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Virtual World

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This story is about a boy name Gon. He had just bought a new video game console called PSP and he also bought a game that's just for PSP. It's called SunGolden Version. When Gon starts playing it, it will change his life. This story will be interesting. Trust me! So start reading. ;385; ;037; ;249; ;250; ;251;



CHAPTER 1

"Oh yea! I got the new game now!" A mysterous boy ran up the stairs. He wore a red jacket, a green shirt, blue jeans, he also had white, wavy hair! His name was Gon! He slammed the door loudly. The man next door shouted, "Hey! Gon, try to shut the door more quietly? You live in an apartment." "Sorry, Bill! So how's your wife?" Gon asked him. Bill responded, "She is fine. But I don't get why you have to live with me and my wife?" "Well Bill, it's hard to find another house to live in so this apartment is alot cheaper." Gon shut the door more quietly and went to his own room. He look at his package. "Just what the doctor order!" He started to open his package that he got from the mail. He looked at it and it was a new game called 'SunGolden Version.' "Awsome! A new pokemon game." He put his 'SunGolden Version' in his PSP then turned it on. He looked at his PSP. He pick his character a female and named her 'Jessica.' He looked at the three new starter pokemon. It was Grassquil, Heatodile, and Wetarika. Heatodile looks like Totodile but has red skin and a flame on its back. Wetarika looks like Chikorita but has aqua skin and the leaf on its head is made of water. Grassquil looks like Cyndaquil but has green skin and there is no fire on its back, only leaves. He picked Grassquil for 'Jessica's' pokemon. He spotted a little black hole in his PSP. He notice that his body started to fade into the game. He was right. He started to scream, "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" He disappeared without a trace. Bill and his wife, Fluer came in. Bill shout, "Gon, please be quiet for a moment....huh?" Bill looked around for Gon but he couldn't find him. "Where did he go, Bill?" Fluer asked. Bill responded, "He must have went to the store to buy more batteries for his PSP again." Bill and Fluer left Gon's room and Bill shut the door quietly.
;249-d;
 
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That was the worst chapter I've ever read. Actually no, it wasn't a chapter, it was three forum-irrelevant lines! Or does the SunGolden Version you mentioned have to do with Pokémon? You're worse than bLASTOIse_MAsTer.
 

Kayote's Bane

What ARE you doing?
tornado753 said:
This story is about a boy name Gon. He had just bought a new video game console called PSP and he also bought a game that's just for PSP. It's called SunGolden Version. When Gon starts playing it, it will change his life. This story will be interesting. Trust me! So start reading. ;385; ;037; ;249; ;250; ;251;



CHAPTER 1

"Oh yea! I got the new game now!" A mysterous boy ran up the stairs.


Sorry, I be right back thinking!
This was not a chapter. Not even a prologue. This was a monologue. One monologue, at that. Improper use of smilies... Golden Sun is not Pokemon... their totally irrelevant. And I think we all know who the mysterious boy is. And why add 'now' after 'I got the new game?"

A good chapter is at least 4-5 pages long, let us scroll down and read it. Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors... it's one of the stickies. And you don't pause in a middle of a chapter, and say 'I need to think'.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
POST CHAPTERS ONLY WHEN THEY ARE COMPLETED.

My Lord, it's getting pathetic. Look, you read the rules and the other Stickies. It isn't hard. Anyone with a brain can do it.

This fic already broke a ton of rules. Never mind the FanFiction Rules, but even the most elementary rules of the English language are being ignored here!
Let's see, random smilies, uncompleted 'chapter', a single line making up a chapter, meaning that it isn't a chapter at all, no use of Microsoft Word and even the pre-fic introduction is longer and tells us more than that single line!


-_- Don't get me started on the lack of description, plot, characters and ORIGINALITY.


~Psychic
 

DKzM0mA

Bring it.
tornado753 said:
This story is about a boy name Gon. He had just bought a new video game console called PSP and he also bought a game that's just for PSP. It's called SunGolden Version. When Gon starts playing it, it will change his life. This story will be interesting. Trust me! So start reading. ;385; ;037; ;249; ;250; ;251;



CHAPTER 1

"Oh yea! I got the new game now!" A mysterous boy ran up the stairs.


Sorry, I be right back thinking!
I'm sorry but did you even bother to read the damn rules? How many rules have you broken? You're lucky I'm too lazy to count. Now read other 3-5 star rated fics and ask yourself if those lines you wrote is a chapter. What's with the smilies? They have no use there. You didn't use microsoft word, no description, and uncompleted chapter. Don't post anything unless its a page long. This is pathetic. And most lkely this will similar to "monster rancher"?
 
tornado753 said:
This story is about a boy name Gon. He had just bought a new video game console called PSP and he also bought a game that's just for PSP. It's called SunGolden Version. When Gon starts playing it, it will change his life. This story will be interesting. Trust me! So start reading. ;385; ;037; ;249; ;250; ;251;



CHAPTER 1

"Oh yea! I got the new game now!" A mysterous boy ran up the stairs. He wore a red jacket, a green shirt, blue jeans, he also had white, wavy hair! His name was Gon! He slammed the door loudly. The man next door shouted, "Hey! Gon, try to shut the door more quietly? You live in an apartment." "Sorry, Bill! So how's your wife?" Gon asked him. Bill responded, "She is fine. But I don't get why you have to live with me and my wife?" "Well Bill, it's hard to find another house to live in so this apartment is alot cheaper." Gon shut the door more quietly and went to his own room. He look at his package. "Just what the doctor order!" He started to open his package that he got from the mail. He looked at it and it was a new game called 'SunGolden Version.' "Awsome! A new pokemon game." He put his 'SunGolden Version' in his PSP then turned it on. He looked at his PSP.
Sorry this was so short! I had to think up some ideas for this chapter! Next chapter coming soon!
 
D

dog247

Guest
tornado753 said:
This story is about a boy name Gon. He had just bought a new video game console called PSP and he also bought a game that's just for PSP. It's called SunGolden Version. When Gon starts playing it, it will change his life. This story will be interesting. Trust me! So start reading. ;385; ;037; ;249; ;250; ;251;



CHAPTER 1

"Oh yea! I got the new game now!" A mysterous boy ran up the stairs. He wore a red jacket, a green shirt, blue jeans, he also had white, wavy hair! His name was Gon! He slammed the door loudly. The man next door shouted, "Hey! Gon, try to shut the door more quietly? You live in an apartment." "Sorry, Bill! So how's your wife?" Gon asked him. Bill responded, "She is fine. But I don't get why you have to live with me and my wife?" "Well Bill, it's hard to find another house to live in so this apartment is alot cheaper." Gon shut the door more quietly and went to his own room. He look at his package. "Just what the doctor order!" He started to open his package that he got from the mail. He looked at it and it was a new game called 'SunGolden Version.' "Awsome! A new pokemon game." He put his 'SunGolden Version' in his PSP then turned it on. He looked at his PSP.
and i thought i was bad what you did to the English language is aweful
 
dog247 said:
and i thought i was bad what you did to the English language is aweful

~~~~~~~~

Hey! I work so hard to think of this story.
 

Naesala

Out of Pokemon.
tornado753 said:
~~~~~~~~

Hey! I work so hard to think of this story.

so?that doesn't mean it's good.read the advice for aspiring authors thread,read the rules,read some five star fics like breezys hoenn league:a brendan and may adventure.by the way i don't think you worked hard at all.
 
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