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Sorry Aura, your name and cute babish nature threw me off, *hug*. And as fo Sutanu, Timid is good, he'll be fast(+Spd, -Atk). Oh, GG Nola want to say something.
;197; BACK OFF MY MAN!
What do you have... feelings for Eruri!?
;197; hey i like fighting types, there hot!
Aw cute! Eruri(sorry) and Nola!
;197 hey what do you mean by sorry? where not even in the same egg grupe... SHUT UP!
Also, I felt that you jumped to the Gym scene a bit too quickly - even if it has been a few days, I would have liked a smoother transition - in other words, more on getting to the city, or more on the journey there, and whatnot. Moved a tad too quickly, although I put this down to the fact this story is not about the journey in getting badges, but something else.
I put in an entire chapter on the travel to the city… there’s definitely more about the city itself in this story. In fact, a very important event is based here.
I understand, but from my viewpoint, it still felt way too fast. Afterall, she's already gone from Hearthrome to Vielstone, which is not the closest of cities (certainly not based on the games map either). I just feel that the whole thing moved too fast, and could have had more happen inbetween, I suppose. Just my opinion, maybe it seems that way as well due to the pace of the POV of Rarutos - a tad too fast, as if the gym battle was already happening, even though he was spectical of such a thing... gah, I think I'm confusing myself now.
EDIT: I still don't get all of this sprites talking... esp. when some are from different stories...
People certainly like to post on my fic. I barely finished editing and I've already got new comments to reply to!
I understand, but from my viewpoint, it still felt way too fast. Afterall, she's already gone from Hearthrome to Vielstone, which is not the closest of cities (certainly not based on the games map either).
Actually, there was a day's travel between both Hearthome/Solaceon and Solaceon/Veilstone. Two days between the latter two.
I just feel that the whole thing moved too fast, and could have had more happen inbetween, I suppose. Just my opinion, maybe it seems that way as well due to the pace of the POV of Rarutos - a tad too fast, as if the gym battle was already happening, even though he was spectical of such a thing... gah, I think I'm confusing myself now.
You're confusing me too. I didn't put that much in for two reasons: one, Rarutos slept most of the way. Two, not much happened anyway on the trip. It's the not-so-glamorous life of a Pokemon trainer; fifteen percent action, eighty-five percent boredom.
;475; : Oh, great. What am I, a girl magnet? Now I've got two after me!
EDIT: I've finished Chapter Five, but I won't be posting it for a few days to a week. Just a note: bobandbill, you won't like this, there's another Kirlia in the story. Some people might recognize her from the first one-shot I posted here...
I have a question, What city is Will in? It sounds like a bid city some i'm going to go with Jubilife City or Veilstone.
;197;Hey Eruri*Bats Eyelashes*
It mentions somewhere that it's Veilstone (gym leader says so). Besides, Jubilife City doesn't have a gym...
Anyway, I think even at least mention of Raurtos commenting that she had slept, and now she has to challenge a gym, or something else other than that could have slowed down the pace of the chaptery, which IMO was slightly too fast for me. I also would have liked to havce seen more of the journey, as sleeping for most of the way for such a distance doesn’t cut it exactly for me… just my opinion, but a qualm of mine all the same.
I've mentioned that it's Veilstone; read the edited prologue, it says expressly that Will is in Veilstone. Bobandbill is right.
Anyway, I think even at least mention of Raurtos commenting that she had slept, and now she has to challenge a gym, or something else other than that could have slowed down the pace of the chaptery, which IMO was slightly too fast for me. I also would have liked to havce seen more of the journey, as sleeping for most of the way for such a distance doesn’t cut it exactly for me… just my opinion, but a qualm of mine all the same.
Brilliant, I've made someone angry with my story. Remember that she's sick so she'll be sleeping whenever she can to try to get better. And I think I put in somewhere that she's slept for most of the journey. And remember that the trip between Solaceon/Veilstone isn't that long; I've slowed it down to add some realism, but it still wouldn't take much more than a day or so. Basically, since arriving in Veilstone City, Marisa just rushed straight to the Gym. She's very impatient, which is why she makes Raru fight when she's... oops, I think I nearly gave something away. You'll have to wait!
Brilliant, I've made someone angry with my story. Remember that she's sick so she'll be sleeping whenever she can to try to get better. And I think I put in somewhere that she's slept for most of the journey. And remember that the trip between Solaceon/Veilstone isn't that long; I've slowed it down to add some realism, but it still wouldn't take much more than a day or so. Basically, since arriving in Veilstone City, Marisa just rushed straight to the Gym. She's very impatient, which is why she makes Raru fight when she's... oops, I think I nearly gave something away. You'll have to wait!
Angry with story? Definately not...
I do remember all that, it's just not how I would have pictured the journey myself personally. Look, it doesn't really matter all that much, just seems too sudden and quick, even with the backing up you provided. And that does kind of run in with Marisa's character, which I don't quite like as much as the other characters for reasons already mentioned.
It's already hapened anyhow, I was just pointing out that despite the backing up, I stilll don't quite like the pace of the story, or the straight jump to the Gym, as it was slightly too quick, and could have (IMO) used a mention of how they got there... but I certainly am not 'angry' with your story... now you've confused me.
If you want to discuss this further BTW, I'd suggest PM's - bit off topic for here...
I suck with pace. It's a sad fact. Please PM me if you want to complain some more, but no matter what you say I doubt that I'll be able to improve it. It'll just be pointless flaming.
Okay, this chapter hurt because I've gotten so stressed that I've bitten my fingernails down so far that they're bleeding. People probably already know that, but it hurts to type. It took me three days to type this chapter and not only because it's the longest yet.
;447; : I'm in it! Me me me!!!
;280; : Oh, cram it.
;447; : Cram it? In what?
I'm sure you don't want to know. All right, enough stalling. Yes, they're both in this chapter. I hope you enjoy it; it also introduces another character, but one who doesn't come in for a while.
Chapter Five
Fallen
Rarutos
The entire arena lit up with an explosion of light as the Gym Leader’s orb burst open. As the sphere flew back to Maylene’s outstretched hand, the shapeless cloud condensed into a small, humanoid creature with skin of white and turquoise. Unconcerned, the unusual Pokemon hovered a foot from the ground in a meditation pose, its slim legs crossed and its two-fingered hands clasped in front of it.
Sutanu hesitated; the creature didn’t look like it was going to attack. Even when Maylene bellowed an incomprehensible order it showed no response.
I wonder if that thing’s deaf?
Marisa paused for only a moment before shouting her first order. “Sutanu! Incapacitate it with Poison Gas!”
Sutanu braced his clawed paws apart on the smooth floor and belched a cloud of thick, purple gas. The toxic cloud quickly enveloped the opponent and soon began to expand and spread throughout the entire Gym. Seeing the danger, Marisa immediately clamped both hands over her mouth and nose to prevent herself from breathing the poison by accident.
A loud click echoed through the enormous room as several hidden vents snapped open. I felt a gentle breeze on my skin; the vents had responded automatically to the toxicity level of the air and were draining the gas away. Within seconds the air was safe to breathe again.
Maylene, Marisa and Sutanu were unaffected, but I was beginning to feel vaguely nauseous. The opponent was clearly worst off, though; it had fallen to the floor, unable to levitate, its pale face a sickly shade of green.
Marisa didn’t hesitate to press her advantage. “Weaken it with Screech!”
Sutanu obeyed; his mouth opened and a deathly wailing filled the air, rebounding from the walls and sounding like it was coming from every direction at once. I clamped my hands over my ears with a moan, but the wailing continued.
Please stop… it goes right through my head…
The screaming kept going and going, tearing through my head, echoing inside my skull. I didn’t realize that I was in Marisa’s arms until I saw her worried face gazing down at me.
I removed my hands from my head slowly. The scream had ended, leaving only a distant ringing in my ears. Marisa looked extremely anxious; she had even forgotten the battle, although the opponent still seemed to pose no threat to Sutanu.
“Are you all right?” Marisa asked.
My entire body was trembling violently and my breathing was shallow, but I nodded forcefully. “Put me down.”
Marisa set me down gently on the floor and straightened up. Sutanu was still watching his opponent, but it was making no move to attack him. “Scratch attack!” she ordered, forgetting about me once again in the thrill of the battle. Sutanu charged at the humanoid and leaped, his sharp claws bared. The creature stumbled back from his attack, unsteady on its feet, crimson lines drawn across its body from the knife-like claws. Sutanu darted in for another attack.
“Meditite! Release!” Maylene bellowed. Her Pokemon responded instantly; as Sutanu raced toward it, his claws clicking wildly on the floor like an overenthusiastic dog’s, his opponent spun toward him and struck with its entire body. The attack was almost too fast to see; Sutanu tumbled away and hit the floor hard, skidding along on his side for several feet.
“Sutanu!” Marisa cried in despair.
Sutanu’s entire body quivered as he struggled to his feet. His chest fluttered rapidly with his quick breathing, but he was not badly hurt. At Marisa’s command he bounded forward again, alert eyes fixed firmly on Meditite and pulsing with the fury of revenge.
With a cry of rage, Sutanu leaped on Meditite. Weakened by the poison in its system, it could do nothing but feebly cover its head as Sutanu’s claws ripped at its body. Maylene shook her head despairingly but could do nothing to help her Pokemon. She raised the empty Poke Ball in her fist and Sutanu fell harmlessly to the floor as his victim dissolved into a stream of red particles once again.
Maylene selected a second sphere and tossed it high into the air. It spun twice before bursting open, releasing the torrent of light inside. This glow twisted and condensed into a larger humanoid figure, white light fading into dark fur.
Maylene’s second Pokemon stood only a few inches shorter than its trainer. Its canine body was covered with short, mostly dark fur, midnight black in some places and sapphire blue in others. Its arms, ending in wide black paws, were crossed before its sunshine-yellow chest to shield its head. Its sharp ruby eyes were fixed upon Sutanu.
Marisa wasted no time in calling her next command. “Get it, Sutanu! Scratch!”
Again Sutanu lunged, summoning the fury back into his eyes to focus his strength. His new opponent stood watching calmly as he approached, then launched itself into the air and turned a somersault before landing lightly behind him. Its long, blue tail glowed with a soft light and it swung around, striking Sutanu in the side as he turned to look at it. He slammed into the wall and vanished into a beam of red light.
Marisa’s face was pale and her teeth dug into her lip until it bled as she replaced Sutanu’s Poke Ball in her pocket. “Your turn, Raru,” she said quietly. “Be careful; that’s a Lucario. It’s fully evolved and it’ll be tough to beat.”
She hesitated. “Are you sure you’re all right to battle?”
I was beginning to feel violently ill, but I nodded determinedly and teleported onto the battlefield. Lucario towered above me, its long ears tilted in my direction and its snout pointed at me. I planted my feet firmly and stood my ground, gazing unflinchingly up at it.
You don’t scare me. It’s up to me to defeat you.
“Confusion!” Marisa ordered.
I concentrated and directed a jet of energy at Lucario, but suddenly it was not there to take the hit. I blinked, too startled to react, and a powerful kick connected with my back. I spun around and a second kick struck my chest, sending me flying.
What the…? How did it get behind me?
My body hit the ground hard and I sucked in a rough breath, feeling the agony in my chest. I levered myself up on all fours and broke into a violent fit of coughing. Lucario had been gathering energy for the finishing strike, but all of a sudden it faltered. With a huge effort, I lifted my head and saw that it had stopped attacking and was watching me in concern.
It’s worried… my opponent is worried but my trainer isn’t…
Blood splattered onto the floor as I coughed, feeling my throat tear with the force. My breathing became increasingly harsh but still I could not manage to stop coughing. I felt my nausea increasing and swallowed hard.
Please don’t let me hurl in front of Lucario…
My vision dimmed and I found myself falling limp, my cheek colliding painfully with the blood-spattered stone floor. It took a moment for me to realize that I had stopped coughing but could barely breathe, then a moment longer to realize that Maylene had called the battle off. I heard her voice faintly in my fading consciousness.
“Challenger, you need to learn to take better care of your Pokemon before you start calling yourself a trainer.”
My body left the hard stone and I felt Marisa’s arms enclose me, pressing me close to her chest. Her breathing was ragged and a drop of moisture fell onto my skin. “I’m sorry, Raru,” she whispered tearfully. “I should’ve known you were too sick to fight. Just hold on… I’ll get you help…”
Too late…
My eyes closed and I felt my breath catch briefly in my throat before starting again. I faded away from consciousness to the rough motion of Marisa’s running gait.
It’s my fault… I could have refused but I was too proud…
I’m sorry… I’ve failed you.
*~*~*
The shadows were all around, hovering around my unmoving body, dancing teasingly just out of reach of my weakened telekinesis. I could see nothing but darkness wherever I looked. The blackness was as thick as molasses, choking me when I tried to breathe it in, pressing down on my eyes, preventing me from moving my arms and legs. I attempted to struggle but it only weakened me.
With my fading thoughts I focused on the body that was not my own. My waist was too slim, my frame too graceful and elegant. Something soft brushed against my legs; something in my mind told me that it was a part of my body. My green cap was gone, replaced instead by pale green hair that stuck to my face, soaked with my own sweat.
The darkness closed in on my dying consciousness and, like a powerful Grass type opponent, drained the strength from my body. My heartbeat grew sluggish and my breathing was shallow. My eyes were closing as my life slipped away from me, but I forced them open again and caught sight of a panicked face in the darkness. The human face was framed by dark blonde hair and two eyes of soft chestnut gazed at me, full of fear and worry. The mouth opened and cried out to me in a desperate voice. “Raru!”
I was fading rapidly, thought I tried to reach out and bring myself closer to the face. As my life was extinguished I summoned the strength to speak three words.
“I forgive you…”
*
Aurikara
Just one step…
My entire body quivered with the strain of remaining upright. After a week of rest my legs could barely support my weight; this was not helped by the fact that I was growing rapidly and was nearly to the full height and weight I would reach as a Riolu. I clung to the trunk of a tree, feeling the rough bark beneath my paws as I struggled to stand by myself.
Have to walk… I need to get strong and fight that bouncing pig.
My long tail was stretched out behind me to help balance me. I hesitantly loosened my grip and swayed alarmingly. The pain in my chest had been reduced to a dull throb, but it was constant and only served to make me angry. I felt cold determination filling my entire body and slowly edged one foot forward.
Somehow I managed to remain upright as I took my first step in a week. A savage pleasure filled my heart and I let go of the tree completely, using only my tail and outstretched arms for balance. I managed three small, tottering steps in quick succession before my legs gave way, refusing to hold me any longer.
I cast a brief glance back at the tree as I attempted to stand again. The first morning light shone through the leaves and branches, throwing stripes of light and shadow upon Will’s sleeping face. He was curled up and trembling slightly with cold in the dewy grass, but his face was relaxed and peaceful. Near his filthy bare feet slept that hateful pig Bane, who never ceased his irritating bouncing even in sleep.
I’m going to kill that thing one day.
I froze, startled by the murderous thought that had come into my mind. At the same moment I became aware of the low growl burning in my chest and cut it off abruptly, scared by my own hatred. A moment later I relaxed.
It’s not such a bad idea… maybe I’ll get more of master’s attention if Bane isn’t in our way.
Contented by the thought, I focused on climbing to my feet again. By the time the sunlight began to stream over Will’s eyelids and he stirred from his dreams, I had managed to get from my sleeping place to the edge of the small lake we had been drinking from. I dropped to my knees, plunged my face into the pure water and drank deeply.
Will stirred and opened his eyes with a groan. I barely noticed; the strain of staying upright for so long after a week of almost no movement had made me extremely thirsty. Will must have noticed that I was not asleep beside him; he sat bolt upright and shouted my name, causing me to flinch and fall headfirst into the lake.
The sudden chill stripped the strength from my body and I floated, dazed, in the shallow water. It was not even deep enough for me to be completely underwater; the hard-packed mud was beneath me and a faint breeze blew over my back, but I was too stunned to move. My breath left my mouth in a stream of bubbles that brushed against my cheeks on their way to the surface.
Abruptly I was dragged from the water amid a shower of flying droplets and my back struck solid ground, triggering a bout of coughing. The water was forced from my lungs, spraying into the air as I coughed and gasped for air. Will’s face, pale and panicked, swam into view above me.
“Can you hear me?” Will demanded.
Taking in short gasps of air, I nodded and gripped his hand tightly. He gathered me up in his arms and I huddled close to his chest, feeling the rapid throb of fear beneath his skin. His mouth was close to my ear and his breath tickled me as he whispered, “Don’t ever do that again.”
I forced a shaky nod and he set me down gently on the grass. “You can walk again, can you? Show me,” he commanded.
I knew he was trying to take his mind off the moment of panic and prove to himself that I was all right. I staggered upright, gripping his hand at first but finally standing by myself. Will’s eyes were upon me as I took a few tottering steps and turned back to him, expecting praise but finding none in my master’s distant eyes. His expression was inscrutable.
“You’re getting better quickly,” he said quietly. He raised one hand to his face and climbed to his feet, turning his back on me. I watched him walk away and wondered what I had done wrong.
Will stopped before the lake and stared out over the water. Behind me, Bane was beginning to stir, but Will paid no attention. With a deep sigh, he cast aside his outer clothes and waded into the lake wearing only a torn, tattered cloth knotted around his hips.
I had no wish to re-enter the water, so I settled myself at the edge and watched. The strips of soaked cloth tied around my torso were bringing a deep chill into my body. I pawed at the knots, then craned my head down and attempted to gnaw through the bandages. Before long Bane hopped to my side, ignoring me completely as he watched Will.
Resisting the temptation to bite down on the irritating creature’s tail, I turned away from him and fixed my gaze on my master. Will was oblivious to us both as he swam slowly back and forth in the deepest part of the lake, occasionally ducking his head under for a minute or so.
His head broke the surface as he came up again and he tossed his hair back, sending crystal-clear droplets flying. His dark hair, long and straggly, was clinging to his head and neck. He gave a gentle sigh as he gazed into the trees surrounding the lake.
“Master?” I called hesitantly.
There was no response from Will. After a moment he turned away from the trees and dived underwater again, his blistered feet breaking the surface briefly before vanishing. He emerged closer to the edge and crawled onto dry land, sweeping his drenched hair back, water streaming off his slim body. His eyes were red-rimmed and I suspected that the redness had been caused by more than just the sting of the water.
“Master, are you crying?” I asked, crawling closer to gaze up into his face.
Will heaved another sigh. “In English, Aura. I can’t understand you.”
“Are you crying?” I repeated, speaking with my mind.
Will didn’t respond for a moment and I climbed into his lap, curling up against his wet skin. He stroked me absently as he stared into the distance.
“I was thinking about Selena,” he murmured quietly. “I haven’t told you about her, have I?”
I shook my head, interested. Will leaned back and closed his eyes briefly, allowing the sun to dry his damp body. “I guess it’s time to tell you a little about why I ran away,” he conceded. “I’ve been trying to block it out of my mind for so long. It’s been weeks since I left home.”
“Where’s home?” I asked.
Will smiled reminiscently. “For me, home was a beautiful little seaside city called Canalave City. It had an old inn, a big library and a Gym where trainers could go to battle. I lived in a little house with my father, my sister and my brother. My mother died when I was a year old, but I can’t remember her. Apart from my father, my brother was the oldest; he would be seventeen now and I think my sister is fifteen. My brother left home to become a trainer when he was ten, but he sometimes came back for visits. He only had one Pokemon; a Kirlia named Selena.”
“What’s a Kirlia?” I interrupted.
“I wish I had a photo of her to show you,” Will said fondly. “She was very pretty; I’m sure you’d like her. She looked like a little girl, with slim legs, long green hair, red horns on her head and eyes like pools of liquid garnet. My father hated her, but I thought of her as my little sister.”
He was silent for a moment and I nipped his finger, encouraging him to continue with his story. He flinched and drew his hand out of my reach. “Don’t bite, Aura! Where was I?”
“Your brother and Selena,” I prompted.
“Right. Well, they visited on a regular basis, every few months. I started to notice that Selena looked worse every time I saw her. Each time my brother visited, Selena was more withdrawn and submissive, she refused to talk and she wouldn’t play with me like she used to. She had this beautiful rainbow-coloured silk scarf that my sister had given her and she wore it every time she came, but a few times I found her hiding somewhere without it on. Her back was covered in these horrible welts and bruises, like she’d been beaten or something. Whenever I tried to ask her about it, she just pulled the scarf over the marks and ran away like she was scared of me.
“I asked my brother if Selena had been in a bad fight and his only response was to tell me to shut up. He’d always been a bit rough, but he got rougher as Selena got more timid. Eventually I figured out the truth. As much as I tried to deny it, it seemed like the only possible explanation. My brother must have been beating Selena.”
I gaped at Will in horror as he spoke. Tears glittered in his eyes at the painful memories but I didn’t see them; I could only see the scene playing in my mind. Again and again I watched a nameless, faceless human raising a heavy stick over his head, bringing it down forcefully on the kneeling creature before him.
Who would do such a thing? Who could possibly be so cruel… so uncaring…?
“What happened?” I demanded.
Will only shook his head; his voice had deserted him. After a moment he moved me gently onto the grass and climbed to his feet. I tried to cling to his leg, but he shook me off and walked away in silence, vanishing into the trees.
Master must be sad for Selena… I have to make him feel better.
Ignoring Bane, who was still bouncing idly nearly, I leaped up and padded after Will. The sunlight shining through the trees soon fell upon Will’s naked back as he paced through the trees. I raced after him, my paws silent on the grass until I caught up with him.
“Master, it isn’t your fault,” I said firmly. “You didn’t hurt her.”
“No, but I kept the secret for my brother,” Will said quietly, “until… never mind.”
He sank down on a rock and buried his face in his hands. His still-damp loincloth made an unpleasant squelching sound as it came into contact with the rock. I hesitated, unsure of what to say to comfort Will. A moment later I had completely forgotten about him; the sound of crunching reached my sensitive ears and I realized that someone was approaching.
I scrambled into Will’s lap and tugged at his hair. “Will! People coming…”
Instantly Will was on his feet, one hand on my back to prevent me from falling. The footsteps were close now, moving rapidly as though the person was running. Another sound accompanied the footsteps; a quiet sniffling sound, as though the person was crying.
“Keep quiet,” Will whispered to me, setting me down gently. He crept around the side of a tree and positioned himself so that he could see whoever was approaching. A moment later there was a scream of pain and Will tumbled backward - with someone on top of him!
In an instant I set up a threatening growl and dived on the intruder, kicking furiously and biting with all my strength. There was a high-pitched scream of pain and the intruder stumbled away from Will, beating at me with fists and pulling at my tail. I refused to let go and sank my teeth viciously into a gigantic ball on the intruder’s head… only to find my teeth closing on nothing but hair.
“Get it off!” the hairball shrieked.
“Aura, let go of her!” Will ordered. His hands caught me around the waist and suddenly I found myself flailing at empty air. As Will gripped me tightly in his arms I gazed up at the intruder… and found myself looking at a human of about the same age as Will.
The stranger wore clothes much cleaner than Will’s, their feet were encased in shoes and their hair was frizzy and blonde, but the most noticeable difference was their light skin colour. I had seen similar people in the city, but something about this one drew my interest.
“Will, this human isn’t like you,” I said, gazing up at my master.
“She’s a girl,” Will told me. “I’m black, but she’s white. And it wasn’t nice of you to attack her.”
I fell silent, abashed. I had felt obliged to defend my master, but he was scolding me because of it. I glared sulkily at the girl, who was attempting to flatten her wild hair and rubbing self-consciously at her damp cheeks.
“Are you all right?” Will asked.
The girl glanced at Will and looked away quickly, a blush rising to her cheeks. “Um… I’m fine,” she murmured. “I feel like I should be asking you,” she added pointedly.
Will glanced down at himself and laughed nervously. “I left my clothes by the lake. I’m Will, by the way.” He offered one hand, still holding me with the other. “And this is Aurikara the Riolu.”
The girl smiled shyly. “Hi, Will and Aurikara. I’m Marisa.” She reached out and grasped Will’s hand in a brief handshake. After a moment of hesitation she offered her hand to me as well.
“Go on,” Will encouraged me. I paused, uncertain, then stuck out one paw reluctantly and let Marisa shake it.
“What are you doing out here by yourself?” Will asked.
Marisa was still determinedly avoiding looking at him. “I wanted to get away from the city,” she explained. “I just came from the Gym. I messed up badly in the battle and I can’t stand to face my Pokemon’s anger. She got sick recently and I was so eager to win that I made her fight anyway. She’s in the hospital.”
“Oh.” Will clearly didn’t know how to respond to that.
“It was my fault,” Marisa moaned tearfully. “I made her fight and she could’ve died! She nearly stopped breathing when I was carrying her to the hospital. I don’t know if she’ll make it… and if she dies I’ll never forgive myself…”
“I’m sure she’ll be all right,” Will insisted. “You should be with her. If you’re with her, she’ll know you care and she’ll fight harder to get better.”
Marisa nodded, a determined look coming into her eyes. “You’re right. Thank you, Will. I hope we meet again.”
Will nodded and gave a weak smile, but his expression clearly said that they would never see each other again. The girl raised one hand to wave as she turned and jogged away, back into the city.
-- -- --
More about Selena is revealed. Anyone recognize her?
Anyway, that was a good chapter, and a better length this time around, and finally will and Marisa have 'met', although only briefly. I feel that they will meet again, despite Will's eyes saying otherwise.
Marisa is really annoying as a character, in that she couldn't see that Raru was too weak to battle. Really dumb. At least she got some sense knocked into her by the Gym Leader, and some advice from Will. However, I was slightly annoyed that Rarutos has been somewhat inconsistant in her personality - she willingly fought for Marisa, even despite her thoughts about it the chapter previous. Bit too much of a quick change there with a lack of backing up, although generally the characters were good.
I like how Spoink is being protrayed, and that he consistantly bounces, even in his sleep. That would be annoying... but killing Spoink? Aura seems much more bloodfirst in his coming of age...
Also, the scene shift from Rarutos's POV to Aura's could have been done a little bit clearer, but that's nitpicking - overall this chapter was rather good.
One other thing - more description - it has become your strong point, so maybe a tad more wouldn't hurt. However, this chapter was pretty good, and the pacing was better this time round. Keep it up!
BTW didn't find any mistakes this time round... either good job on your part, or bad on mine.
Sorry about the double-posting thing... it wasn't working and I must've clicked twice by accident. All fixed now.
Anyway, that was a good chapter, and a better length this time around, and finally will and Marisa have 'met', although only briefly. I feel that they will meet again, despite Will's eyes saying otherwise.
Remember the prophecy at the beginning? It isn't over yet... it's barely even begun.
Marisa is really annoying as a character, in that she couldn't see that Raru was too weak to battle. Really dumb. At least she got some sense knocked into her by the Gym Leader, and some advice from Will.
It wasn't actually her fault. She was faltering, she would've been ready to surrender if Raru said she couldn't fight. Raru insisted that she was all right. Her reasons will be explained in the next chapter.
However, I was slightly annoyed that Rarutos has been somewhat inconsistant in her personality - she willingly fought for Marisa, even despite her thoughts about it the chapter previous. Bit too much of a quick change there with a lack of backing up, although generally the characters were good.
Her emotions are conflicting inside her. She's struggling with herself; she wants to hate Marisa because she liked her old life before she was captured, but Marisa's helplessness and rashness at times is starting to get through to her and she's starting to like Marisa because they're actually so much alike. She's finding that she can't hate Marisa as easily any more.
I like how Spoink is being protrayed, and that he consistantly bounces, even in his sleep. That would be annoying...
Remember, Aura isn't entirely himself... some of these thoughts aren't even his own, although he thought they were and tried to explain them to himself with a reason he could understand.
One other thing - more description - it has become your strong point, so maybe a tad more wouldn't hurt.
*Gasps* Really? My strong point? I'm actually trying really hard. I write each chapter with as much as I can, then go over it twice more and add in even more. I'll see what I can do, though.
(and, just a random thought, but maybe Marisa thought Will was hot. Haha...)
Okay, back to business: this chapter was awesome. I really enjoyed it, and it still holds the nice description that was prevalent throughout the previous chapters.
I like Aura's thoughts more than Raru's. =)
And nice portrayal of Raru's vision, though I can't seem to figure out if he's a Gallade or a Gardevoir...maybe I'm just too dumb right now to think correctly. =P
I didn't see any grammar mistakes, though I never see them anyway...
I love your portrayal of the battle!
Overall, very nice chapter, and I hope more chapters like this come out soon! =D
I think I know who Selena is...the Kirlia from "If You Ever Cared", right? If she gets a new (kinder) trainer in this (maybe Will?), it'd be sweet.
Now, the chapter...and with me to help is Skull the Shadow Marowak, the main char from my fic!
;105;: Whatever.
Now...let's begin the REVIEW!
;105;: First off, Marisa and Rarutos...along with Sutanu. Marisa, in my HUMBLE opinion (end sarcasm on humble), has no chance even as a slave driver. Okay, so Maylene's Meditite slave went down with Sutanu. And then the Lucario comes out, and promptly DESTROYS Rarutos.
;105;: Now, let's get this straight; I hate humans due to their neverending greed and their worthless little philosophy that makes them think Pokemon are meant to be their little servants. And while Marisa might not be evil, she's close enough for my taste; anyone who even THINKS of enslaving a Pokemon and believing that stuffing them in those **** Pokeballs makes said Pokmeon a "friend" needs to die a painful death by a bone. My bone.
Skull...caaaaalllmmm doooowwwwnnn.
;105;: Right, whatever. Anyway...back to Rarutos. FINALLY, a Pokemon that ACTUALLY HAS SENSE ENOUGH TO HATE HUMANS. Although, I can't exactly say I'm happy with some of her...later choices. Giving Marisa a chance? FYI, I don't think that's a good move, Rarutos. Sutanu, he's just like the rest; mindless slave, obedient servant, blah blah blah.
Uh...mind getting to Will and Aura?
;105;: Fine. Anyway...Will and Aurikura/Aura. Well, the return of Shadow Pokemon (like myself) is interesting to see. And Aura can tell what "distinguished" that one Houndoom. Given that he's a Riolu, though, it's somewhat natural. Will's a runaway, huh? And Aurikura is one of his only two Pokemon, along with Bane the Spoink...why give Will a SPOINK, of all Pokemon? Ralts line already taken or something?
;105;: Anyway...Aura always calling Will "master". Eh, I can let him go unhurt, given that he's pretty much an infant. Although, the fact that he's thinking murderous thoughts like that is kinda...well...weird for an infant. Now, I have places to go, humans to kill, so see ya. *leaves*
Sorry if Skull was a little...harsh...he's usually like that. Angry and yet wise-cracking at the same time.
Well, he was practically naked. That's why she was trying to avoid looking at him. If I see an almost-naked guy, my eyes keep getting drawn to a particular area that I'd rather not let them see me looking at.
And nice portrayal of Raru's vision, though I can't seem to figure out if he's a Gallade or a Gardevoir...maybe I'm just too dumb right now to think correctly. =P
Three words can answer that for you: RARUTOS IS FEMALE. Thus, she can only evolve into Gardevoir. I have already planned her first evolution and it isn't for several chapters yet.
I think I know who Selena is...the Kirlia from "If You Ever Cared", right? If she gets a new (kinder) trainer in this (maybe Will?), it'd be sweet.
But of course. She is also extremely important in this; she was part of the reason Will is on the run. Will isn't her trainer, but you're pretty close with that guess.
Although, I can't exactly say I'm happy with some of her...later choices. Giving Marisa a chance? FYI, I don't think that's a good move, Rarutos. Sutanu, he's just like the rest; mindless slave, obedient servant, blah blah blah.
Raru's decision is explained later. Actually, I think I've alreayd explained it. And Sutanu is too timid and shy to really think of rebelling... except against Raru, whom he dislikes.
And Aura can tell what "distinguished" that one Houndoom. Given that he's a Riolu, though, it's somewhat natural.
That's the exact reason why Will had a Riolu. Shadows play a big part in this fic and since their aura is the only 'visible' difference from normal Pokemon...
And Aurikura is one of his only two Pokemon, along with Bane the Spoink...why give Will a SPOINK, of all Pokemon?
Someone suggested a Spoink in the fic, so I put one in. Still taking suggestions, by the way. I've only decided one more Pokemon for each team and I need three more.
Selena, again, this is good and bad. I feel sorry for her and how she is treated but good because this story can give her what she wants. Overall i'll give the chapter thumbs up, i was alittle confused why Marissa would leave Raru.
Okay, first of all, no Ash is not in this story. The title refers to something else that you'll understand as you read. Second, I do write from the perspective that Arceus is the god of the Pokemon world, so please don't be offended. Third, there are some things at the end of this chapter that people may find disturbing. Be warned, it gets a lot worse, although I won't describe it a lot.
Chapter Six
Through Water, Through Ash
Rarutos
My head was throbbing and my entire body ached as I struggled back to consciousness. The sound of my own breathing echoed through the quiet room, the only sound I could hear. I gave a soft moan and turned my head to one side, feeling the soft pillow beneath it.
As my awareness gradually returned I registered the feel of soft, white sheets against my skin. Harsh lights burned in the ceiling above me, emitting an almost inaudible buzzing sound. I blinked harder and glanced around; I was lying in a bed that seemed as big as a field, in a room that would be small for humans but was big enough to comfortably fit my entire family inside. The walls were painted a painfully dull shade of pale cream.
I raised one hand and felt the thick bandage wound tightly around my head. That would explain the headache.
The bandage came loose easily and I tugged at it until it fell in folds onto the bed. I pushed myself slowly up until I was sitting in bed, my back against the pillow to support me. The silence in the room was rather unsettling.
Where is everyone? What’s going on? Where’s Marisa? Oh, my goodness, things are bad when I start wanting Marisa to be here.
At that moment a crash sounded outside my room. My eyes travelled across to the glass window, but I could see nothing outside. Despite that, I had no trouble hearing the banging and yelling that seemed to be occurring outside. With a jolt I recognized Marisa’s voice.
“Get out of my way!” she bellowed. “I have to get to Raru before she wakes up! Move your fat backside out of my way! Ever heard of Weight Watchers? Listen, shove it before I get my Stunky to spray you!”
Moments later the door burst open and Marisa exploded into the room, red-faced, out of breath, her hair once again out of control and a bruise rising on her cheek. She slammed the door closed so hard that the windows rattled and leaned against it, gasping for breath. “You’re awake,” she panted.
“You’re loud,” I commented dryly.
Marisa grinned and I noticed that she had a fat lip. She crossed to my bed and plunked down in a chair, rubbing her bruised cheek as she did. “Sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up. I was upset and ran out of the city, but I met this boy who convinced me to come back. After his Riolu tried to kill me,” she added, pointing to the minor facial injuries. “Then I got back here and found the hallways clogged up with nurses who really need to lose some weight.”
“I heard about that.”
Marisa didn’t smile this time; instead, she leaned forward and gripped my hand. It practically vanished in her own. “I’m sorry I made you fight,” she said earnestly. “I was being greedy. I should’ve just given up when Sutanu fainted.”
“How is Sutanu?” I asked, grasping for a change of subject and reflecting guiltily that I was the one who had wanted to fight.
Marisa tapped her bulging pocket. “He’s healed and back inside for a rest. Raru, this isn’t about him, it’s about you. You nearly died.”
“I know. And that was-”
“-all my fault,” Marisa moaned, cutting me off. “I was the one who made you do it. I should’ve realized that you were too sick but I pretended not to notice. And then Maylene said I wasn’t fit to call myself a trainer if I didn’t take better care of my friends. Raru, I’m sorry.” Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her flushed cheeks, splashing onto the blanket and her clothes. I drew my hand away from hers, fighting an internal battle with myself over whether or not to tell her the truth.
“Marisa, it wasn’t your fault,” I said finally. “You asked me if I was sure I could fight and I lied. I said I was all right when I knew I wasn’t. I did it because I wanted you to think I was strong.”
Marisa was listening intently, her eyes fixed on mine. I broke eye contact and gazed around the room; anything to avoid seeing the anger that would soon come.
“Respect is my weakness,” I said quietly, staring at a dead fly on the window ledge. “I’ve always needed people to think I was stronger than I really am. I teased and insulted the Pokemon I used to live with and made them believe that I was stronger than them, so when they fought me they didn’t try very hard and I won. I didn’t let you see me cry the night after you caught Sutanu because I needed you to think I didn’t miss my friends. I insult Sutanu because I like to make others feel less important. I guess I’m just a bully and a liar.”
Marisa was silent. I forced myself to look at her but I found no anger in her eyes, only understanding and kindness. She leaned close and hugged me gently and for once I didn’t resist. I felt drained, exhausted both physically and mentally, but it was a good feeling. It was as though my secret had been a huge weight in my heart and I had finally managed to lift it up and throw it away. My defences had gone with it, but I no longer cared.
“I forgive you,” Marisa said, leaning back in her chair again. “Actually, I’ll forgive you on one condition.”
I eyed her warily. “What’s the condition?”
“You’re not allowed to insult any of your friends any more. By ‘friends’ I mean anyone who is kind to you. You can still make jokes and everything, but not at anyone’s expense unless they say you can. You can still insult your enemies in battle, though. Do you promise?”
I nodded. “I promise. Can I point things out, though, even if they might be insulting?”
Marisa paused. “What sort of things?”
“Things like the fact that your head looks like it’s being eaten by an Electrode.”
Marisa laughed and smoothed down the offending hairstyle. “Yeah, you can point out things like that as long as they won’t upset people.”
“Good.” I settled down more comfortably in bed, stifling a yawn at the same time. With a tender, almost motherly smile, Marisa reached over and drew the blanket up over me. “You need to get some sleep,” she said. “I’ll be right here the whole time.” She picked up the unravelled bandage and wound it into a roll again before setting it aside. I leaned back and closed my eyes.
Marisa began to hum a soothing song. I felt the blackness enveloping me again, but this time it held welcome warmth and I allowed myself to sink into it. I drifted to sleep with Marisa’s sweet music ringing in my ears.
*~*~*
“Help us… Rarutos!”
I turned my head frantically from side to side. Shapeless shadows crowded in on me, blocking my view and jostling against me. Their touch was colder than ice, colder than the coldest thing I had ever felt.
“Rarutos… you have to come…”
“Who are you?” I cried desperately, turning to look through the darkness. I could see nothing in any direction; nothing but the darkness hovering around me.
“We are… we were once like you… we wish to be like you again…”
The figures crowded in on me, hissing their words in my ears, grasping at me with frozen fingers. I heard the pounding of a million hearts, but each beat sounded like the rattle of a chain. I knew instinctively that these poor souls had their hearts locked by cruelty, blocking out any kindness and preventing them from giving any of their own.
“Please, tell me where you are!” I called. “I can’t save you if I don’t know where you are!”
The shadows seemed to recoil from me, but a moment later their voices became taunting and they shoved closer, chanting their meaningless words in my head again and again.
“Through water, through ash, shadow of a rash, inhabited by night and emptied of light…”
“Stop it!” I demanded, my hands clamped over my ears. “Where are you? Tell me where you are!”
But the chanting went on and on as deathly fingers grabbed at me, tearing at my skin with toxic claws, ripping apart my mind with the ferocity of their words. I screamed and flailed at them, trying to beat them back, but their voices rose to a roar to make themselves heard over my desperate pleading.
Through water, through ash
Shadow of a rash
Inhabited by night
And emptied of light…
*~*~*
“No!” I screamed, snapping back to consciousness so abruptly that for a moment I didn’t know where I was. My breath was panting and my heart pounded rapidly in my chest. My pillow was damp with sweat.
There was a thud and I spun around, only to see Marisa staring at me in panic. “What’s wrong?” she demanded.
I shook my head, my heart rate beginning to slow down. “I’m fine. I just had a nightmare.”
Marisa quickly drew one finger over the back of the opposite hand and leaned forward to peer out the darkened window. “It’s not a new moon tonight,” she said, relieved. She bent down under the bed to retrieve her book, which had obviously caused the thud when she had dropped it.
“What was that motion?” I asked as she straightened up.
“The motion…? Oh, you mean this?” Marisa repeated the gesture, using one finger to draw a curved line on the back of her other hand. “It’s meant to repel Darkrai, the bringer of nightmares. Darkrai, who causes mischief on moonless nights, can’t do anything if Cresselia intervenes. Cresselia is Darkrai’s mortal enemy and represents the moon. People used to say that if you make Cresselia’s symbol, the crescent moon, on the back of your hand, it protects you from Darkrai’s nightmares when there is no moon.”
“Do you actually believe that?” I asked sceptically.
Marisa shrugged. “My mother believes, so I got used to doing it every moonless night and whenever I had a bad dream. Even if it isn’t true, it made me feel better. You need to believe in something or you’ll go insane.”
“Do you believe everything you hear?”
“No!”
“What about Arceus?” I asked. “Do you believe in it?”
“Of course I do. Where would the world have come from if Arceus didn’t exist to create it?”
“Maybe the same place Deoxys came from,” I pointed out. “You know, space? The place with the stars and the moon?”
“How do you know about space?” Marisa demanded. “I thought Pokemon didn’t know about things like that?”
I rolled my eyes. “Please. I’m psychic, remember? There are intelligent members of my species too. They study these things and pass the knowledge down to the rest of us orally. Did you think that all we did in the wild was eat, fight and make babies?”
“No,” Marisa said quickly, trying to hide the blush sweeping up her neck and into her cheeks. She tugged at her collar feebly. “Don’t you believe in anything that hasn’t been proven in the past?”
“I believe in destiny. No one can prove destiny, although we all know it exists.”
She hesitated, watching me uncertainly. “Destiny? You mean… the theory that every event is predetermined before it happens? I’ve never really thought about that before,” she admitted.
“It was our destiny to have met, no matter how much I regret it,” I said. “It’s our destiny to die one day. Arceus is the only one who knows how we will die; not even psychics can foretell the circumstances of their own deaths. Everything that happens is written into our destiny.”
“I thought you didn’t believe in Arceus?” Marisa said suspiciously.
I shrugged. “I was testing you. I believe in it; I just don’t believe that it created the world. How would you move a thousand arms at the same time?”
Marisa laughed. “I don’t know. That’s a good point, Raru.”
I started to tell her not to call me that, then changed my mind. It doesn’t really sound that bad. I think I like having a nickname of my real name.
I think I’m starting to warm to Marisa. She isn’t really so bad… once you know how to handle her.
*
Aurikara
I padded along quietly by Will’s side, glancing around as we walked. Bane was bounding incessantly on Will’s other side.
We were leaving our place in Route 214.
Will glanced back anxiously; he had been worried for hours about whether the girl would see his face on the posters and call the police. Eventually he had said flatly that we were going to leave.
Will scuffed his bare feet on the ground as he walked, kicking up clods of dirt and grass. His eyes were on the ground and I could see that his thoughts were far away. He wouldn’t talk to me, so I tried to read his emotions in his aura. The nameless colours of worry and sadness showed up most prominently and I guessed that he was thinking about Selena again.
“You weren’t the one who hurt her,” I told him firmly.
Will looked down at me, startled. “Who?”
“Selena.”
“How did you know I was thinking about Selena?”
“I sensed it in your aura,” I explained.
Will smiled and placed his laden bag on the ground, offering his arms to me. I leaped into his arms and he helped me climb onto his shoulder, then picked the bag up again and resumed walking. “You’re getting good at that. You’re right; I was thinking about Selena.”
“What happened to her?” I asked. “You never said.”
Will heaved a sigh and glanced up at the darkening sky. “The clouds are gathering; it’ll rain soon.”
“Master,” I said sternly.
“Don’t call me that, Aura. All right, I’ll tell you some more about Selena.”
I settled myself in a comfortable position; not an easy feat due to my growing size. Soon I would be too big to ride on his shoulder at all. He raised one hand to make sure I was not going to fall off. “Selena was getting more and more timid,” he began. “It was easy to understand why once I figured out that she was being beaten. She was always very loyal to my brother, no matter what he did, so she let it happen. She wouldn’t dare to attack him or run away. She wouldn’t even tell anyone what he was doing.
“I planned to confront my brother about it. I was a bit scared of what he’d become and what he might do to me, though, so I left it for a long time. Eventually I decided that I couldn’t put it off any longer.
“He visited for his seventeenth birthday, just after he’d attempted for the second time to defeat the Elite Four. They’re the four best trainers in the world,” he added for my benefit. “He tried twice and each time Selena only managed to defeat two. He was really angry about the loss when he told us. Selena was used to covering up her injuries, so I had to physically wrest the scarf from her to see if she was hurt. Her back was all torn and covered in scabs, so I knew he’d been beating her again.”
“That’s horrible,” I moaned, imagining the terrible wounds.
“I know. I said the same thing and suggested to Selena that she should run away from him, but she just looked scared and ran to hide somewhere. I think she only felt safe when she was alone.
“My brother’s seventeenth birthday was a few days after that. I was planning to talk to my brother about how he was beating Selena, but I was still afraid and I waited all day. Strange things started happening that evening, when my family was out in the back yard. It was just before sunset and we’d set up a folding table and some chairs. My sister was going to give Selena a chair of her own, but my brother said she didn’t need one because she could sit with him. When everyone else was sitting down, my brother just picked Selena up and put her down in his lap. I don’t think anyone else paid attention, but I saw that she looked frozen with terror.
“That night I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink. I was just passing my brother’s bedroom when the door flew open and Selena ran out. She’d never run away from my brother before and she didn’t trust anyone any more, so when she jumped into my arms I knew something was wrong. I forgot about my drink and I ran back to my room with her.”
I was clinging to Will with all my strength, listening intently to his story. I was breathing directly into his ear, but he just turned my head aside gently with one hand and continued. I could see that the story had festered inside him for so long that he needed to get it out, like something rotten that he had to throw up. The words kept coming and I knew that he couldn’t stop them.
“I slammed my door closed and locked it, then I sat on my bed with Selena. She was shaking and clinging to me like she’d never let go. I asked her what he’d done to her, but she wouldn’t say anything. I thought at first that he’d been beating her again, but the only marks on her back were the old ones. I knew whatever had happened was worse than anything he’d ever done before.
“I made Selena comfortable in my bed and promised her that I’d be right back, then I went out to talk to my brother. He was in his bedroom and he looked angry, but he suddenly got calm when I asked what he’d done to Selena. He told me that she’d been bad and run away when he tried to show her something. I knew he was lying because she was never bad; she always let him do anything to her without complaining. He told me that she needed to be punished and that I should find a belt and beat her. When he said that I knew I was right; I knew that he’d been hurting her.
“I stood up to my brother for the first time and told him that I’d take Selena to the hospital and show someone the marks on her back. He just punched me, then he walked out of the room and into mine before I could stop him. When Selena saw him she went into hysterics, crying and screaming like I’d never heard her do before. I knew he must’ve done something really bad to her and I ran to protect her, but he just shoved me into the wall and I hit my head. The next thing I knew, it was morning and everyone was fussing over me, thinking I’d been sleepwalking and I’d fallen. I didn’t tell them the truth.
“The next night I snuck out and looked into my brother’s window from the outside. It was horrible; Selena had been beaten again and it looked like her wrist was broken. She had these heavy chains around her waist, chaining her to the bed so that she could move almost to the door but she couldn’t run away again. And my brother was sitting on the bed with his back to me and… and I found out what had made Selena so upset the night before. She was kneeling on the bed and he was holding a knife to her throat and… he had all these photos around him and was trying to force her to look at them. They were all pictures of naked people… and some of them were of him.”
Will broke off and took a deep breath, his face pale. “It was horrible, what he did to her,” he whispered. “Selena had her eyes closed and she looked like she wanted to scream for help, but the knife was at her throat. I grabbed the biggest rock I could find and threw it through the window. The moment the window broke, Selena was running as well as she could and trying to get the chains off. She just slipped right through them and leaped into my arms and I ran like there was a murderer after me.”
Horrible… how could Will’s brother do something so bad to Selena? I didn’t quite understand the part about the photos; in fact, I wasn’t even sure what ‘photos’ were. I knew that the knife was bad, though, especially if it had made Selena so scared.
Will was looking more troubled than before. “Selena was innocent, but he was trying to take away her innocence. If I hadn’t stopped him I hate to think of what he might’ve done to her.”
“What did you do?” I asked eagerly, practically falling off his shoulder.
Will shrugged, nearly dislodging me. “He caught me. I was running with Selena and I tripped. My brother caught up, grabbed her and went running toward the warehouse where my father worked. I tried to chase him but he was too fast.”
I waited for Will to continue, but he was silent. We continued walking into the gathering darkness, all three of us thinking about Selena and what Will’s brother had done to her.
-- -- --
Rarutos's bond with Will and Aurikara is tightened with the arrival of a waking vision.
I hope you enjoyed that! To be honest, I like the next chapter better. It's already written and, um, so's the one after it. Yeah, I got bored, all right?
I enjoyed that, even though that was a filler chapter, and the parts about Selena were a bit... well, you know. Will's brother's actions weren't very pretty, to say the least, but one does wonder what this still has to do with anything (i.e. Will stealing egg, etc).
Besides a qualm in pacing in one part, I liked it, although the lack of anything really happening was a tad annoying - minor but it could have used a bit more. The ending was somewhat depressing in a way - the gap in the story and the last sentence was kinda sad - great work on your part there.
It was very good - you are still using a good level of description (which you used more in this chapter, which was nice to see), and the chapter length felt right, considering the content. Character development was good, although at times delivered too quickly (mostly the Raru/Marisa scenes).
“Respect is my weakness,” I said quietly, staring at a dead fly on the window ledge. “I’ve always needed people to think I was stronger than I really am. I teased and insulted the Pokemon I used to live with and made them believe that I was stronger than them, so when they fought me they didn’t try very hard and I won. I didn’t let you see me cry the night after you caught Sutanu because I needed you to think I didn’t miss my friends. I insult Sutanu because I like to make others feel less important. I guess I’m just a bully and a liar.”
For instance here. The content itself is pretty good, but the deliverary was too fast - look at how much Raru says in that paragraph, and how she seems to have said all that in one go. Put a few pauses there, break it up a tad, so that the impact is better and more powerful. That was a letdown in that - I think that scene could have been pulled off a bit better, but it was still good.
I knew instinctively that these poor souls had their hearts locked by cruelty, blocking out any kindness and preventing them from giving any of their own
But the chanting went on and on as deathly fingers grabbed at me, tearing at my skin with toxic claws, ripping apart my mind with the ferocity of their words. I screamed and flailed at them, trying to beat them back, but their voices rose to a roar to make themselves heard over my desperate pleading.
“I know. I said the same thing and suggested to Selena that she should run away from him, but she just looked scared and ran to hide somewhere. I think she only felt safe when she was alone.
“My brother’s seventeenth birthday was a few days after that.
That was a horribly good chapter. I want to take Selena and just get her away to a nic place where she won't be harmed. I don't understabd how ant traienr could do that. I crave to hear the rest of that story and i must know what happened to Selena, if she will make it.
Um... it wasn't, actually. This chapter, especially the part about Selena, was very important to the plot. You see, it was because Will witnessed this that he... if I say any more I'll give away what happens.
but one does wonder what this still has to do with anything (i.e. Will stealing egg, etc).
The warehouse that Selena was taken to is also important. If Will hadn't seen inside it, he never would have aimed to steal a Riolu egg. Tell me if I'm giving away too much.
I liked it, although the lack of anything really happening was a tad annoying
Well, some chapters will be slow. I have a chronic problem with pace. It's always either too fast or too slow, but I can never get it right.
The content itself is pretty good, but the deliverary was too fast - look at how much Raru says in that paragraph, and how she seems to have said all that in one go.
She's based on me and that shows here. When I have something I need to say, I tend to say it all at once and feel a lot better after. Maybe no one else is like that, I don't know.
Actually, people do that in published books. When a new paragraph starts but the same character is speaking, they put quotation marks at the beginning of the new paragraph but not at the end of the previous one. I don't know why.
And Normalize, since you're so interested in Selena, at least part of a future chapter will be narrated by her.
Um... it wasn't, actually. This chapter, especially the part about Selena, was very important to the plot. You see, it was because Will witnessed this that he... if I say any more I'll give away what happens.
The warehouse that Selena was taken to is also important. If Will hadn't seen inside it, he never would have aimed to steal a Riolu egg. Tell me if I'm giving away too much.
Fair enough - in that case - even better, as it wasn't apparent. Until you said so, but even then... nothing is really spoiled to me, just that it has something to do with the plot. If you aimed for me to have seen that however, maybe more... hints could have been used... I'm guessing not, and sometimes I'm blind as well
Well, some chapters will be slow. I have a chronic problem with pace. It's always either too fast or too slow, but I can never get it right.
Try reading and re-reading the chapter - maybe even out loud, and see if things are happening too quickly, or too slowly.
She's based on me and that shows here. When I have something I need to say, I tend to say it all at once and feel a lot better after. Maybe no one else is like that, I don't know.
Fair enough, but I couldn't have known that - maybe note that she rushed her explanation or something along those lines, as otherwise it does seem rushed, and without knowing everything about Raru... I do know people that can be like that however.
Actually, people do that in published books. When a new paragraph starts but the same character is speaking, they put quotation marks at the beginning of the new paragraph but not at the end of the previous one. I don't know why.
...They do? I've haven't seen it, and I've read a lot of books... maybe it was a mistake? Looking at it technically, it does seem that it is an extra quotation mark thrown in for no apparent reason, and it did confuse me as I though I had lost track of who was currently speaking. I guess it can be used to remind the reader that this is dialogue, so may it can be correct...
Glad that I spotted the Shadow Pokemon reference. May I again say - good chapter!
A very good chapter. If this was a "filler", it was a very nice filler, though I don't think a chapter with a vision can't be considered a filler in a story called "Visions of Fate". =P
Description was really good. I didn't see any major grammar errors. And shadow Pokemon = <3.
I don't see anything wrong with the use of quotation marks, as I have observed this in some of the novels that I've read.
Through water, through ash
Shadow of a rash
Inhabited by night
And emptied of light…
