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War: Sinnoh vs. Unova

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Ytterbium70, Feb 14, 2013.

  1. Ytterbium70

    Ytterbium70 DIE PEOPLE

    Well I started typing up a fanfiction a couple days ago, and now I got around to putting up so here it is:

    Ten years ago a large ship pulled in to Unova’s capital, Castelia. 3 men disembarked and headed straight for Capitol Building. 10min later the three men came storming out. The center one turned shouted at the door and tossed out a Pokeball. A powerful Luxray burst. “Luxray, Thunderbolt!!” The center man shouted. The Luxray fired a bolt of electricity at the door and blasted it open, the men broke out running and jumped aboard the ship “Fire!!!” they screamed
    A pillar of fire shot from the ship engulfing the Capitol Building. People were screaming and running as the city slowly caught fire and in the commotion no one noticed the ship speeding away. War was the cry echoing over the city.

    Chapter 1

    Now, Ten years later, I, Nick Crack, must carry on my father’s legacy in the fight against Unova. Today is the day that I must set off for the battlefield and lead our forces against Unova with my best friends, Gordan, Arken, and of course, my Minun and Empoleon. “Nick, it’s time for your speech” Gordan said peeking backstage. “Coming” I grumbled as a stood up and walked out from behind the curtains.
    “Welcome friends. Today will mark the start of our campaign against Them, the unovians. We will triumph! Sinnoh will rule the world! The unovians will crumble under our might! We will be VICTORIO-!!” I was interrupted by three enormous Pokemon flying out of the sky. Giritina landed right in front of me, Dialga by Gordan, and Palkia by Arken. Giritina bent his head down towards me, and suddenly knew what to do. I slowly and shakily pulled out a Pokeball. I touched the button to his head. With a flash Giritina was mine. My friends slowly did the same thing. I quickly put this into my speech. “The legends themselves have descended to support us!! There is no doubt, we will have VICTORY!!!!!!”
    That night we partied until 10:00, when we had to leave. We left Sinnoh and headed for Unova with a force of 20,000. Slowly my friends and I retired to our cabins in hopes of a peaceful night’s sleep. We never got one. At around 4:00am we were awoken by bangs and explosions on the deck. I dressed quickly and ran to the top deck. “Status report a.s.a.p.!!” I shouted over explosions. “Something is firing at us from an unknown location. Sources say they also have a blockade around Humilau City.” The captain reported. “Marlon. Hard to port, speed the engines up and head for Route 17!” I shouted over the roar of the water spouts bursting around us. “What?!?! Are you crazy? We’ll be smashed!” He replied. “We don’t have another choice!” I growled. I didn’t need to tell him twice. He ran to send the signal as I climbed into my wetsuit and scuba gear. I let my Empoleon out of his ball and grabbed onto his back as he slid into the water. I pointed forward, and off we zoomed. In not too long, just as I had suspected, I saw the looming shape off a Wailord. I made the crude shape of a claw with my hand, but Empoleon understood. He raced towards the Wailord and then slashed it with a giant metal claw. Empoleon looked to me and I nodded. He resumed with and used metal claw over and over again. Just as the Wailord was starting to fall to my Empoleon, I saw a blue tentacle drift in front of my face


    Please Respond! I will probably have Chapter 2 up tonight
  2. mtie123

    mtie123 Johto's Hero

    Hi, this seems like a nice start to me. The only thing i would say is space out the speech like this for example:

    "blah blah blah" the man said

    "blah blah blah" the women joyfully replied

    It makes it easier when reading it

    EDIT: also giving your main characters legendary pokemon so early maybe a little unrealistic but it may be influential to your plot
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2013
  3. Ytterbium70

    Ytterbium70 DIE PEOPLE

    Thanks, I'll try to work on it. Chapter two will be done by today
  4. Ytterbium70

    Ytterbium70 DIE PEOPLE

    Chapter 2

    I awoke groggy and unfocused in a small empty room. I tried to stretch my legs, but they were chained to the ground. I heard a slight noise, like a door opening. I instantly growled and tried to swing my head to see who my visitor was. It was Marlon. “What do you want?” I growled
    “Oh, nothing just checking on my prisoner.” He calmly replied.

    I thrashed and struggled to escape my bonds. “All I want is some information.” He said with a wicked smile

    “Well, you’ll never get any from me!”

    “Oh well, I have my ways.”

    He threw a Pokeball at the ground and a Qwilfish popped out. “Qwilfish, poison sting!” he told it.

    It stabbed me, and it hurt really badly, but I said nothing. So it did it again, and again, and again. Eventually he gave up and left to attend to “important matters”. And so I lay in a dazed stupor, until I heard terrifying screech and a boom as Giritina burst through the door.

    I pulled myself onto Giritina and directed him out the door. He screeched at a couple of scientists, who quickly had two Beheeyems psyshocking my Giritina. Giritina reacted instantly with a powerful dragon pulse, sending them crashing into their trainers. “Forward” I groaned.

    Giritina sped forward, bursting through the doors at the end of the hallway. There, amongst a pile of debris, lay a belt with 3 Pokeballs on it. I grabbed and commanded my Giritina forward. I snatched it up and just as 15 men burst through the door. Marlon walked in slowly while saying "Well, well, well. What an amazing preformance, to bad it can't last!"
    On last all of them threw out pokeballs. A completly different water type burst out of every single Ball. I dashed behind Giritina as the first Pokemon, a blastoise, fired a water canon. The second it slowed down, Giritina hit it with a powerful aura sphere, taking it out. The trainer returned it before running out of the room. One by one they tried, failing until there were only three of us in the room. Me, one of the men, and Marlon. The last man sent out a Lapras. CrapI thoughtGiritina's going to be KOed! "Giritina, Dragon Pulse!"

    It tried, but Lapras was faster. It slammed it with Sheer Cold, KOing Giritina in one hit. I returned Giritina and slowly started to back up. I suddenly slipped on the water covered floor. The man was about to order the Lapras to kill me, but he was inerupted by Minun bursting out of it's Pokeball. The man started to say"What the-"
    Then everything was white before slowly fading into a black mist

    Well, that's Chapter two. Not much in it but I've got some really good ideas for chapter three!
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2013
  5. mtie123

    mtie123 Johto's Hero

    Again the speech needs spacing. Start a different line whenever there is new speech. Also chapters need to be longer

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