• We are currently experiencing a flood of requests from bots scraping the forums. Unfortunately it has gotten to the point where it is negatively impacting the site. As a result the forums may be slow and you may periodically experiance an error message. We are aware of the problem and apologize for the inconvenience.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

What a pokemon life.

Status
Not open for further replies.
Chapter 1: the story of her life.

Hi I am the narrator I tell you the things that don’t happen when people talk in case you didn’t know what a narrator’s do…

A ten year old trainer named…(insert trainers name here) is on his way to get his new pokemon from Professor(insert tree here) after wakening up late…bla bla bla

Well enough of that crap lets get on with the real story.!J
____________________________________


I was high above the world. It felt like Rapidash was a sailing ship across the plains. Wind in my hair, my shiny Vulpix on my lap, (shiny Vulpix are like gold) and Alissa on her Rapidash a little ways behind me. (or so that was how Ashley was)

The girl’s name is Ashley, she is twelve years old, she has strawberry-blond hair and gorgeous medium blue eyes. she liked to wear different kinds clothes everyday. Today she was in a dark blue tank top and pale blue jeans. She had on her usual white sneakers and a teal pokemon symbol on it.

Alissa has a red t-shirt with a green pokemon symbol on it with gray & dark grey jeans.
She has light brown hair and her eyes are brown

She has an Eevee (female) with red fur around its neck and tail with a black instead of brown.

Ashley’s Vulpix is mostly light gold with gold swirls.
Her nickname is Star (like the ones in the sky)
They will have other pokemon also.

“C’mon Alissa lets get home” She said laughing

They are on a large island near the orange Islands. A large town is about forty five minutes away from our house.

They live in a two story house that was secluded in a small forest teaming with life. Its white with a green door and shutters.

Both Ashley and Alissa’s mothers are pokemon professors in the orange islands that move from island to island and see what pokemon like what island better.

Their fathers work in a great pokemon team- I’ll tell you more…later.

They stepped in the doorway and Ashley almost fell face first because she tripped on a stool.

“Geese, Ashley you ok!?” Alissa huffed out as she reached for the little light switch on the right side of the wall.

“Yeah, the maid must not have gotten here yet.”

Alissa sat on the couch in the living room that was connected to the kitchen because it was not separated by a wall.

“How about some lunch?” Alissa yelled upstairs from the living room.
Alissa heard a muffled voice from upstairs “Sure why not”.
Then she heard a small “clunk” from upstairs
“what are you doing?” Alissa called upstairs.
“looking for something.” came Ashley’s more understandable reply.
“whatever, Ashley…I’m making ramen.”
“ok” was all the now annoyed voice said.

Ten minutes later…

“Ashley the chicken flavored ramen is done, Ashley…, hello did you hear me?”

“Yea…give me a minute.”

Alissa heard Ashley’s footsteps coming down the stairs
****
After dinner the maid came in.

“Ware have you been!?” both Alissa and Ashley yelled now furious.
“Madam Ashley…Madam Alissa…I did not think you would be home today.”
“Well surprise surprise looks like were home today.” Alissa said in a sarcastic way.

“I am sorry madam Ashley and Alissa… it wont happen again.”

“I hope so” Ashley said rolling her eyes (she was still anoyied.)
“yes ma’am.” maid Anna sobbed.
“Please just don’t let it happen again.” Ashley replied in a sympathetic voice.
“vulpix!” Star said as she leaped onto Ashley’s lap.
“If you will excuse me madam I will get to work.”
“yes ok.” both Ashley and Alissa said as they went to their separate rooms

Maid Anna went into a closet and pulled out a small walkie-talkie and a man’s voice came out of it.
“Agent Willa are they suspicious.”
Maid Anna or should I say Agent Willa replied:
“no they don’t suspect a thing”
“good” the voice said
Then they both started laughing evilly.

_________________________________________
The End of chapter one.
 

ijea4444

Well-Known Member
um im not even going to fiish reading this. srry for critisizim. don't have shinys period. people hate shinies. and putting things in parrenthesis is unproffessional. *predicting future* this is a fan fic . its not supposd to be proffesional*finished seeing future* i know fan fics aren't proffesional. but still. plz don't hate me. just critizing work not you
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
She did much better than I did.
 

Sybot

Well-Known Member
That can't be saying much about you then, Ash_Fan.

This is a bit short, but that is the least problem. There was hardly any description after the first few paragraphs, and some of it was bunched together. You also missed capitalisation in several places. And a shiny Pokemon? That's a sign of a Mary Sue. I recommend reading Advice for Aspiring Authors.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
She did much better than I did.
Actually to be frank, honest, and rock blunt truth. You both suck. Why? You both don't try to get better and claim you are slowly when you aren't.

Do you know what a Super Mod said, a Super Mod said when I showed her this? She actually said Oh dear god. And not in the good way.

Shiny Star Vulpix, take your descriptionless, mary sue writing, poor fic excuse rear over to advice for aspiring authors and rules AND MAKE A CHAPTER NOT WRITEN UP IN THE REPLY BOX IN FIVE MINUTES! This is a sorry, soggy excuse of pathetic writing! This is WORSE than your last attempt!
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
Oh F'ING GOSH! Dude.......I should get shor right now. ZOMFGosh! This was so plain...

She has an Eevee (female) with red fur around its neck and tail with a black instead of brown.

Ashley’s Vulpix is mostly light gold with gold swirls.
Her nickname is Star (like the ones in the sky)
They will have other pokemon also.

Meh^^, well at least you tried...but not hard enough. Try not putting all that yabber jabber female in parentheses. Actually try incorporating them in the description. Or give us a hint that it's a female. A shiny Vulpix...wow! Why do you two (Ash_Fan#1) use Star as a name all the time? o_O? Can't you think of some other name like Comet or I don't know but not Star.... And putting like the ones at the sky in parenthese doesn't help. Like I said before, incorporate in the description.

“How about some lunch?” Alissa yelled upstairs from the living room.
Alissa heard a muffled voice from upstairs “Sure why not”.
Then she heard a small “clunk” from upstairs
“what are you doing?” Alissa called upstairs.
“looking for something.” came Ashley’s more understandable reply.
“whatever, Ashley…I’m making ramen.”
“ok” was all the now annoyed voice said.

Ever heard of Spacing? Yes? Do I hear a vowel? Well, do it is easier to read. Alright?

Their fathers work in a great pokemon team- I’ll tell you more…later.

Wtf???^^^^^!!! What are you talking about? What do you mean by team? Seriously, why would you tell us more later? Either you mention them and tell us what they do or at least put in a reasonable excuse or just don't mention them at all.

Both Ashley and Alissa’s mothers are pokemon professors in the orange islands that move from island to island and see what pokemon like what island better.

Kind of odd. Both their mothers are professors in the study of pokemon. And, seroiusly, why would both the girl's parents have the same occupation? Meh, just seemed kind of odd to me but, well. *shrugs*

Well, Ashley and Allisa both seem kind of boring. But they could get interesting....right? I hope so...I mean, what are the connections connecting the two. Are they friends? Cousins, sisters? Wouldn't hurt to tell us.

Overall, I wish you lots of luck. Hopefully, you'll get better at this fic.
 

Sailor Merury

Butterflys rock!
Okay, this is just bad. You missed punctuation, it doesn't have a good storyline, several bits of capatilization ans spelling errors. Try taking your time, don't rush yourself.
 

Mechtaur

The Sexy Kitty Cat
I dont mean to be rude or anything but here is what your fic should say at the moment

[this message was deleted at the request of common sense]

Seriously, dont rush yourself. I bet some people are still working on a fic that they started over 2 months ago.
 

CrystalSaurTower

Well-Known Member
She has an Eevee(female) with red fur around its neck and tail with a black instead of brown.

Ashley’s Vulpix is mostly light gold with gold swirls.
Her nickname is Star (like the ones in the sky)
They will have other pokemon also.

Get rid of those parenthesis. Just add a comma or two and be exaughted by the extra work.


She has a female Eevee with red fur around its neck and tail with a black instead of brown.

Ashley’s Vulpix is mostly light gold with gold swirls.
Her nickname is Star like the ones in the sky.
They will have other pokemon also.

Ok, better, but it still majorly sucks. Use adjectives in this!! Adjectives are one of your most treasured friends in these kinds of fics. The person is telling the reader about this. They were an invisible observer in the sky while this all happend. They should have a splendid image of what people and pokemon look like. It's not that hard to say "NO!" Said Ashely, when you can say "NO!" Said Ashely in much sadness and despair. And put all these sentances together. Take not alot of conjunctions are missing too. Theres no point in having random sentacnes flying about, when they can all fit together in a nice paragraph, like mwauh;

She has a vibrant female Eevee with dazzling midnight red fur around its furry, scruffled neck >hair< and >it's< tail with a swirling oil black instead of the usual arburn brown.Ashley’s Vulpix is mostly >covered in< light gold >fur< with miraculous gold>en< swirls >along its body<.Her nickname is Star>,< like the beautiful, azure colored gemstone ones in the sky. GET RID OF THIS>They will have other pokemon also.< GET RID OF THIS

See, now it feels like someone really took the time to make this sentance rich with description, taking about as uch time as you took to make this whole chapter probably >.> Note I said get rid of the fact they will get more pokemon later. You don't want the reader to know that. You want them to keep guessing what will happen in there story. This isn't some kind of script for a fangame or an RP. You are revealing the story bit by bit, chapter by chapter, slowly unfurling the amazing advetures your characters will have. Saying what will happen later in the fic is like saying to the reader not to bother reading the next chapter. Reveal it without notice. It just spoils them being interlocked in th story and being on the edge of there seat to figure out whats next. It brings no gain to you in advancing the story, and only dissapointment and spoilers to the peron reading. Don't do it.

“How about some lunch?” Alissa yelled upstairs from the living room.

Alissa heard a muffled voice from upstairs “Sure why not”.
Then she heard a small “clunk” from upstairs
“what are you doing?” Alissa called upstairs.
“looking for something.” came Ashley’s more understandable reply.
“whatever, Ashley…I’m making ramen.”
“ok” was all the now annoyed voice said

Now personally, I like to sometimes keep my characters speaking within paragraphs, but if your gonna go as far as this, but still have them connected, just space them apart. It dosen't look good, or in anyway like a prffesional fan-fic, just disorganized.

“How about some lunch?” Alissa yelled upstairs from the living room.

Alissa heard a muffled voice from upstairs “Sure>,< why not>?<”.
Then she heard a small 'clunk' from upstairs>.<

“What are you doing?” Alissa called upstairs.

“Looking for something>?<” came Ashley’s more understandable reply.

“Whatever, Ashley…I’m making ramen.”

“Ok” was all the now annoyed voice said
Better, but still far away from a good conversation between characters. You need to CAPATALIZE the begging of your sentances. Common sense, man. And still, alot of puncution mistakes like when your asking a question, you don't put an ?, at the end, or you don't put a comma t divide your sentances. Fourtunetly, I edited this for you, and right now they are real snetances, but not good quality for a fanfic. Take my next example, I'll use more adverbs, as in descriptions, like adjectives except there for nouns, for verbs. They help you, not hurt you. They describe HOW she said something. Also, WHAT is she doing up there? You don't need to reveal what shes looking for, but how shes looking for them, scumeshing througha closet, or scavenging under the bed? Then when people awnsered, like in an annoyed tone, give a reason. She said that in an annoyed town bvecause she wasn'tr coming down early enough? The maids not here? WHAT!? And once again, describe where they are. They all help inhance. i've edited it once again to the standards I have stated;

“How about some lunch?” Alissa >suggested< >impatiently upstairs from the bright, and tidy living room.<

Alissa heard a muffled voice from upstairs, “Sure, why not?”
Then she heard a small 'clunk' from upstairs>,and Alissa grew curious.<

“What are you doing?” Alissa called upstairs>, slightly worried about her friends happenings.<

“Looking for something.” >Yelled down< Ashley’s more understandable reply>, recieving clarity on Alissa's side, as she still ravashed through her small closet and board<

“Whatever, Ashley..I’m making ramen.”

“Ok” Was all the now annoyed voice >rang<>, suddenly very angry she couldn't find the ever so versatile item she had desired.<


Why look at that, I told the reader what they were doing, and how they did it!! Convos like this demand a strong set of adverbs, like rang, yeled, screached, screamed, strifed, ect.. Without adverbs, and adjctives, you've got a script. And trustme, you don't want a script. Theres no emotion in scripts, and are in a none to good to read about. They are some of the most important elements you'll need in every single dying instance of your story. Without the ones I put in right there, I could't know how she awnsered her friend all the way up to the seond floor.

Yelling electrostatically? Or firmly, and in a clear tone? I couldn't know WHAT she was doing. Searching through a pile of books in there families library? Or scavenging umong the the many clothes spewn along the floor of her room? I couldn't know WHY she was saying some things in such a tone. She was annoyed, huh? WHY!!!?? Because of the maid not being there to clean up her room? For her sister not bothering to come up and help? In a very big fatruige of food, butr is forced to keep searching till she finds her item ticks her off? I didn't know, and neither would anyother reader out there. Tell what there doing, how there doing it, and why they are in the first place. You don't have to reveal anything big, like searching for her treasured pokeball containing the cursed Quagsire, just tell what there doing up there.

Their fathers work in a great pokemon team- I’ll tell you more…later.

Both Ashley and Alissa’s mothers are pokemon professors in the orange islands that move from island to island and see what pokemon like what island better.

Ok, NO NO NO NO NO NO!! *goes to hammerspace and conks mallet on authors head* BAD WRITER! Don't reveal stuff like THAT!! They don't need to know about this stuff so early already. Fit it into te regular story, and have the readers actually have a little time to learn about them before talking about there family, who thy can ony dream of at this point. Put it in a later element in the story like:

"Hey Dad, where's Mom?" Alissa said to her father after she came home frm playing. "Well, shes out with Ashelies Mom as usual, y'nkow?" Dadsaid curling his lip at the thought. "Goin around the islands, figuring out which pokemon like which Island..ya know, researcher stuff.."

See, it fits nicely in with the story and tells about her mothers nicely in a way the reader can ind intresting. It could also be continued as:

"Yeah..Well I have to go too, y'know? Bein in a great pokemon team with Ashelies father is just as important." Her father told her daughter one again, packing his things up and heading towards a newly docked ferry near the edge of town. "Dad, wait!!" The girl shrieked at her father, who had already boarded. "Bye Honey, see you tonight!" He father anweresed unaware of her pain. "Dad.."

Once again, a prime example of how thing like this can really help build chjaracter and fit into the sory quite nicely instead of just flat out telling them. Now you don't have to do anything like this if you don't want to. You could just do the same thing except with him riding away on the ferry but with her smiling back, and happy. All just depends on you. Just another fun example of creative writing! Now really, like Divinity said, if you don't say everything about the pokemon team now, don't bother mentoning it in the first place. It can work MUCH better in the story itself, and have people really wonder what thsi 'pokemon team' is as he rides away. Much better than having them say, 'Well h's on a pokemon team? Meh, wonder what that is..'




And finally, my overreview. Judging b yyour expeirence and the work I've seen so far, I suggest you really improve your quality of writing before anything else. Maybe write a few practice scenes with adverbs and adjectives, and you'll eventually get better to a point where you can really start this fic off the right way. It sounds awfully intresting, and trust me, I support you, just a thought you may wanna beef up on your writing skills and ability to foreshadow before finishing up your next chapter.

And having a shiny does not immmeditly make you a Mary-Sue. Thoughs are characters that are almost perfect in every aspect, harboring very few flaws, or faults. Having a shiny are common in Sues, but not always a distinguishing characteristic of such. If put in the right hands, shiny pokemon can be greatly expanded beyond there just unusual color. Saying someones character is a Mary-Sue because of shinies alone is liking calling someone famous for having someone ask for there autograph. It sometimes rlates, but in some cases it just dosen't. Besides, with the lack of physical and emotional description so far, you csn't really accept them as a Mary-Sue as you can anything else.

Goood Luck.
 
Last edited:

Draconis

Currently active.
Let's see, both their mother's are professors, and their father's are let me guess...members of the Elite Four. They're both rich, and have extremely rare variations of an otherwise normal poke'mon, which I'm guessing they either recieved from their mothers, or fathers. This just screams Mary Sue, times two.

You only used basic description, and you still can't seem to string a proper paragraph together. I counted twenty-one spelling/grammar/punctuation errors in this so called "chapter". This isn't even long enough to be considered a chapter. It seems you just typed this up in the reply box, and not a proper word program. I won't bother pointing out all your mistakes, because if you can't even use a proper word program with spellcheck, and just throw a fic together in the reply box, then that just shows you haven't followed any of the advice you've been given in the past, so I doubt you'll really follow any advice you're given this time around.

Basically, you've only improved by a microscopic amount, which isn't really that big of an accomplishment.
 
Yawn... If you people are done with yelling at me I think i will go do something with my life that is something that you people dont have.

Plus I am not obsessed with telling people they stink.
To me you stink because you just want to drag me down, to make me feal bad, but trust me i have played hardball with the best of them so nothing you say bothers me. And before you take this whole quote and try and bother me it wont work.

Oh and Yami Ryu go **** yourself because were not supposed to swear.

get a life!
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Shiny Star Vulpix, do you know how much of a flaming hypocrite you are right now? I did not swear in the post in this story. Yet you tell me to go and play with myself. How mature. And you claim we can't drag you down? To what, reality? That you suck? Fine, if you don't want to face reality, you keep those fingers in your ears and keep telling yourself you're good and all that, and when that doesn't work in real life and your boss fires you for being a lazy sod, you can blame him for being someone to drag you down ;/

So go on, keep those fingers in your ears, continue to write pathetic material. It's not us being blind little deaf bats.
 
Shiny-Star-Vulpix, how about learning about life, not your petty little sparkly wonderland, LIFE.

You're coming out as a whiney brat because you got told the truth and can't take it. You are not walking perfection, if you write a travesty you will be told you wrote a travesty not pampered for your ego to make you feel all warm and cosy.

Nice flaming by the way, instant usernote and closure. Watch those little tippy toes hun, they're liable to get stepped on.


Sandra
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top