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JoshYEAH Asked Me to Write 1,000 Words About a Pokémon Forum Under the Promise of $10, and I'm an Idiot for Believing Him
(Not totally in love with this title, but that's okay. Titles are hard. Try something with a clever phrase, followed by a sub-heading which more specifically lays out the aspect of your subject you'll be arguing. For example, "Sucky Shippers: A Call for the Abolishment of Serebii's Pokemon Page Shipping Forum." Although I'm sure you can think of something better.)
The Shipping
Forum is a dark, evil place
- filled with the scum of the forum
(Consider choosing a different word here to avoid repetition). It is a place where people get off
- not just to cartoon characters, but often to cartoon characters
who are incompatible with one another sexually, or were never sexual
(Sexually active? Highly sexualized? Be specific please.) to begin with. People write stupid fanfictions about their favourite pair of unfortunate characters. So
, you wish
- that Ash and Pikachu would start making out? Why don’t you write that for them, then?
(If these are examples, they need to be set aside and attributed, or at least introduced in some way. Avoid questions within the context of your essay. It's kind of tasteless rhetoric.) Obviously, you’re God’s gift to mankind, and when your mom told you in the third grade that your stories were good, that must mean that the rest of the world will love them as well.
(Again, you seem to have transitioned into a voice which directly addresses and mocks the Shipping Forum. This needs to be made clear. Hint at it in the beginning, add a paragraph break, something.) Especially if you use them as a substitute for meeting actual girls / boys / hermaphrodites / unsuspecting farm animals.
The Shipping forum is weird, it’s weird and creepy
(You mention that it's weird twice in this sentence. Who are you, James Franco as an aspiring short-story writer?). As I mentioned, it’s filled with people who will never get a real relationship going and are therefore forced to write their dream
s of what a relationship must be like
(By bringing the first person into a persuasive essay you undermine your credibility. Avoid this.). These stories are often filled with plotholes, Mary Sues and badly written sex scenes. They are emo,
- written by angsty teenagers, and
- are a pain to read. Plus, they almost always involve pairings between people or just beings
(??) that should never be paired. One of the most popular threads there is the “Pearlshipping” thread. For your information,
(Whose? Last time you used the second person, you were addressing the Shipping Forum directly. This seems unnecessary.) that’s between Ash and Dawn. Except these numbskulls don’t call them that. They use romani
zed versions of their Japanese names, not even realizing that they themselves are not Japanese, and that if they want to write something in Japanese, they ought to do the entire post that way instead.
(Pronoun confusion all over. The last time you use "they," it refers to Ash and Dawn. You need to specify you're talking about the shippers after that, or the pronoun will continue to refer to Ash and Dawn.)
Where was I?
(You're the one writing a persuasive essay; you tell me. Again, you undermine the credibility of your argument here.) Ah yes, Pearlshipping. That’s an emotionally and physically stunted twenty-plus year-old screwing a 10-year-old girl. That’s not supposed to be, folks! In the real world, that stuff gets you locked up. Maybe that’s why the pedos go to those forums. Then again, Nintendo could also stop giving the characters such teasing clothes and features that belong on females
five or so years older than them. But they
(pronoun confusion) probably get off to this stuff as well. I’m positive of it, actually
(first person rhetoric). Because, let’s be honest, all Japanese people are either perverts or fetish fuel.
(This is like three different logical fallacies, the biggest of which is racism. Racist fallacy.)
And there is no discussion there. None whatsoever.
(It's your job to convince me of this through your argument by addressing possible counter-points. This is a failure to do so.) Because what’s there to discuss? “What do you think will happen between Hikari and Satoshi in the next episode lol??????? <3<3”
(Please specify that this is a hypothetical example. As it is, it's kind of sitting in the middle of a block of text with absolutely no attributions. Add a comma before it, at the least.) I’ll tell you what: NOTHING, BECAUSE THIS IS A KIDS’ SHOW SPAWNED FROM A CASH COW FRANCHISE!
(CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.) If you are stupid enough to think that anything will ever happen that makes your stupid pairing go true, you’re a moron
(Who is the "you" here? Couldn't this sentiment have been accomplished through generalizations instead?). And those people who talk about “Palletshipping” are even worse. This is the idea of a gay pairing between two characters that are childhood friends, then rivals, then friends again
: Ash and Gary. Look, if you’re attracted to your childhood friends, then you have a problem. Go get help. You need it.
Just like all those stupid incest fanfictions
(Sentence fragment. This doesn't even make grammatical sense when connected to the preceding paragraph.). WHO THE **** WANTS TO **** THEIR SIBLING?! THAT’S SICK! Plus, it’s against the law. And there’s more.
(Really? Just tell me then. You're making an argument here.) People who want to see specific Pokémon hump, or even this gem: ShipShipping
, shipping between S.S. Anne and the truck. Yes folks, this is real. Now you know why the truck doesn’t move: He’s waiting for her to get home again, because she said she had a “special surprise” for him. Too bad she gets raped anally by two Wailords in Hoenn, huh?
Shippers are sick, twisted people, and if they stepped back a bit, they might just reali
ze that themselves. If you want a relationship, go find someone. No one is going to be attracted by you writing creepy stories and posting them on the Internet.
(Top score for capitalizing internet!) People just find that creepy. And on here, having something along the lines of “Proud supporter of _____” in your signature is a sure-fire way to tell people “I’M A SICKO, GET AWAY FROM ME!” Shippers demand attention, and they rarely ever get out of their own forum, which means that they think that everyone on the forum is as demented as themselves. Shippers also use way too many stupid smilies in their posts, making their stupidity even more obvious to the common people
(Here's a compellingly stated argument, even if it is void of evidence. Notice how you didn't specify a first-person opinion or directly address a vague "you." This is how the entire essay should have been written.).
Shipping is sick, shipping is wrong, and the forum should be deleted within a heartbeat. It serves no purpose, is filled with pointless posts and users
, and is a general waste of space. And if someone disagrees, there’s a 99.9 % chance that’s it’s one of those
fucking shippers.(Need to attribute the source for that statistic.) Because they’re everywhere, telling me that IV breeding is immoral and that EV training is evil. IT’S A GAME, FOLKS! THEY ARE PICTURES ON A SCREEN! THE ANIMÉ IS CRAP! WHEN WILL YOU REALISE IT?! You know what, let’s remove the shipping section. And while we’re at it, close down all non-wifi chats. That way, we’ll weed out all those weak-minded individuals who once roamed freely on these forums for no reason.
Also, I suggest a crusade against DeviantArt and Fanfiction.net, a riot of sorts to get all the premature pr0n made by these bird-brained shippers removed. Shipping in Pokémon is lolicon, and lolicon is bad. As a responsible adult, I recommend that the individuals who made these sorts of things are locked up and examined medically, to see if they can be cured. Lobotomy must not be excluded as a possible solution in this treatment. Because, let’s be honest, the world is better off without shippings and shippers. And if anyone disagrees, then they are, as I said before, most likely a shipper themselves. And you know what? I don’t like shippers. It may be hard to believe, but it’s the truth. I can’t stand them. Now, get them out of my way.
The rest is more of the same, as far as the critique goes. You need to work on building credibility for your argument, and avoiding syntactical vagueness. Also, an introductory portion with a clearly defined thesis might help, because it seems certain subpoints are repeated throughout, and I'm not seeing a particular prominence in any one aspect.
Please cite evidence and specific sources.
Grade as of now: C+. I look forward to reading your revisions. Come see me during my online hours if you have any questions.
