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When Brendan met May

Is this story good?

  • Yes

    Votes: 3 25.0%
  • No

    Votes: 9 75.0%

  • Total voters
    12

Dibship

Always a Pokemon
Okay, I know the title refers to the film "When Harry met Sally", but I have never seen it. This is actually about two teenagers falling in love and living "merry" lives. Please excuse the fact that it might be bad, being only 11 (plus I've never written romance stories before!). I'm open to critisim, but please not too harsh.

Well, off I go!

When Brendan met May
by Dibship

Chapter 1​

Brendan sat in his comfortable chair, watching TV. He looked at the clock. Ten to seven. That would give him one hour and ten minutes to get to his full-time job in the office in the next city a mile away. Better prepare, he thought.
As he took out the black shirt and red tie which he had worn a hundred times too many, he gazed at his own reflection in the mirror. Brendan was not small, yet at the same time not too large, for a teenager of his size. His face was, oh how should one describe it? It was like the face of someone who had been kept down underground for years, then suddenly introduced to the fiery glare of a thousand suns. His spectacles disguised the fact that he had been one of the best sportspeople in his school. He had never had a girlfriend, for most of then had run off to live with people like James Kennedy, the only one better than him at baseball.
With one last sigh, Brendan left for work.

***​

“Is this what you call WORK?” yelled the furious face of Mr Rochester, pointing at the computer screen which read ‘I like Dittos’.
“Yes, sir.” Brendan replied carefully. Mr Rochester had been Brendan’s boss long enough to acknowledge that he shouldn’t get on the wrong side of him, no matter what the situation was.
“Well then,” he glowered from behind his monocle. “If this is work, then…”
He’d been waiting for this…
“YOU’RE FIRED!!!”
“Yes!” Brendan cried. He disappeared from the room before fat Mr Rochester could question his ex-employee’s joy. The young teen whizzed through each office floor, only stopping quickly to say goodbye by his friend, Seth, who worked on the 22nd level. He rushed out the shiny automatic doors of Pokemon Researchers Co. and into the cool, fresh air.
“Yes!”

***​

May’s life, however, was a lot easier. She was a young ambitious Pokemon trainer, aiming to be the very best. She had long, flowing blonde hair (although many considered it to be brown) and had sparkling green eyes that looked as if the stars of a warm summer night were dancing in them. Her red Pokeball-print clothes were stained and ripped, but she did not care. She was a Pokemon trainer!
As she gazed down at her beloved Umbreon, sleeping beneath the branches of a small oak tree, May sang a song, the prettiest you shall ever hear. When she was but two years old, her mother sang it to her to lull her to sleep. But that was when her parents were alive. Singing the song brought back memories of all the things she and them had done. Such wonderful memories…
Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, came a boy about the same age as her, screaming “Yesss!” Startled, May’s Umbreon woke up with a cry.
“How rude,” thought the girl. “I hope I shall never see him again.”
She was wrong.

End of Chapter 1.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Good? What's good about this crap? There is NO improvement from your last trite fic, Dibship. This was rushed, tacky and very, very short. You probably wrote it up in the reply box. Eleven or not that is no excuse. You had a chance to get better, take advice and put time and effort into writing. Fine, if age is a hinderence, stop writing untill you can make a chapter longer than three rushed paragraphs that have very little to them. Especially when they're just three/four scentences stacked to look like a paragraph.

Open up your little mind, go to ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS AND READ IT.

If you still continue to hide behind a defence of age. Then do as I said. Stop writing untill you are older. And more mature, atleast mature enough to listen to advice.
 

Dibship

Always a Pokemon
Um, sorry, the next chapter may not be up in a few days. Our teacher gave us TOO MUCH HOMEWORK. But I will try to get it up as quickly as possible.

Dibship
 
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