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Who Do You Think You Are? (One-Shot)

Discussion in 'Non-Pokémon Stories' started by Dawn_Hero, Apr 3, 2011.

  1. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Well, after some recent events that have come to my attention, I suddenly became very inspired to write something to voice my opinion on things. However, I thought it would just be flat out uncreative to say "my opinions are blah blah blah" though that's what I normally do. The idea for this story randomly fell into my lap out of nowhere and, granted, it was 11 PM when I started and now it's like... 1 AM, so it's probably really bad. :D Hahahah. With that, I guess I might as well get on to my story. It's actually the first Non-Pokemon story I've written in around four or five months, so I'm actually happy I was able to write it regardless. Hope you enjoy it, though its beginning is relatively cliche. :3

    Who Do You Think You Are?

    Long ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a beautiful queen, loved by all and feared by none. She would awake every morning at the top of her castle and shower her people with praise and cheer from her balcony. Every day she received letters from young and old alike, each one filled with more love and praise than the last. She lived a wonderful life. A perfect life. No matter what happened to her she never faltered or fell to the likes of depression. She was strong, she was smart- she could persevere over anything.

    Ever since the Queen had been a child she had lived in her castle, made of the toughest bricks and strongest mortars. Her father, the king, had made sure that she never left the castle walls, for the world outside was dangerous for a young woman like herself. Though the decision may have seemed rash to some, the Queen knew he was doing it to protect her. She loved him for that; he made sure that she was constantly protected. As the years passed and the king grew old, she listened to everything he said and followed through with his wishes like she had as a child. Even after he retired and she had gained the crown, the Queen constantly listened to his advice and never left the castle walls. She always made sure the laws he told her were strictly adhered to, whether she knew what they were or not.

    As the Queen aged, she soon realized that eventually she would need to go and find a husband to help her rule this kingdom. The thought scared her; she had never set foot into the world she ruled so benevolently. She knew nothing of her people or what they did from day to day, she merely showered them with her love and held to her father's advice of what was best for them in the end.

    She did have a secret, however - her entire life she had known of a boy who lived just outside her castle grounds. He was handsome and muscular, dark-haired and athletic. She never mentioned it to anyone, but she had always watched him play in the fields outside her castle and wondered what it would be like to play those games of tag and hide-and-seek with him.

    As she grew, he had been the one thing that dominated her thoughts whenever she had a spare moment; he was what kept her up during those long nights, wondering what it would be like to call him hers. Even though the years had passed and he visited the field less and less, his absence only supported something she had realized well into her younger years - she was in love.

    That love was all that fueled her through the dark nights of winter and the rainy days of spring. When her life felt too hard to bear it was her love for him that kept her strong and helped her to keep moving forward. He was what kept her sane, kept her ruling so benevolently. She showered the populace with her love because she knew that somewhere, among those thousands of citizens, was that one man who felt her love as well. He was everything to her, yet she didn't even know his name.

    When the day finally came that she was to go and find a husband, she knew precisely who it was that she would ask. As the gates to her castle opened and she nervously walked down the dirt road into town, it was the young boy she had secretly grown up with that was her main desire. When she finally stepped foot into town, the entire populace burst into applause.

    From left and right love and praise greeted her, each citizen more excited than the last to walk the same street as the Queen they loved so much. They bowed down to her, kissed her feet, even tried in vain to offer up their most prized possessions just to make her smile. She continued on, however, trying her best to search for the man from the fields. It wasn't until noon she finally found him, walking slowly past the Blacksmith's and towards the town square.

    The Queen's face turned bright red as the man noticed her, kneeling in her presence and thanking her for her benevolent rule. Her heart fluttered in her chest at his words; he had felt her love, felt her rule just like she had hoped he did. The Queen curtsied, walking over to him and letting the man kiss her hand.

    "I have a proposal for you," the Queen asked with a smile. "Marry me and help me rule this kingdom. We shall spread our love and unite this kingdom even further than it already is."

    The man sighed, a sad look in his eyes. "I'm afraid I'm not able to marry you, my Queen. It would please me to no end to make you happy, but I am a man marked for death."

    The Queen gave a gasp of horror; not only had she been turned down, but the only man she had ever loved was to be killed? For what reason could anyone she loved be killed for? She stared at the man in shock, who was now averting his gaze to the ground.

    "For what could a man such as yourself be killed for in this fair kingdom? I have made sure that all have felt my love."

    The thought of the one man she had ever loved being killed by her law's hand - her hand - killed her. Love should not be so easily broken.

    The man gulped before looking up at the Queen with eyes filled with sorrow and a child-like innocence, the sort she had imagined she'd seen in his eyes those days in the fields when he had chased stray cats and lightning bugs.

    "I loved, my Queen."

    She felt as if she had just been killed. Tears of overwhelming pain and horror came to her eyes. He loved someone besides her, which felt far worse than anything she had ever imagined - it felt as if a knife had been jabbed into her ribs and her heart had been ripped out while it was still beating. But, more importantly, what Queen would kill someone for loving?

    "But... What do you mean, sir? What Queen would kill those who love?"

    "I do not question your reasons, my lady. I gladly obey your laws, for you are a noble woman. I have broken your will and therefore will meet my punishment as any man would."

    The Queen began to sob gently on the spot, tears rolling down her cheeks as she stared at the only man she had ever loved. "Would you at least tell me of this person worth dying for under laws I am not aware of? I wish to know who would be worth condemning a man such as yourself to death for."

    The man gave a faint smile, looking up at the woman with the first trace of happiness she had seen in him this whole conversation. "I grew up next to the fields, my Queen. Every day when I would wake up I would see a certain child about my age playing in the fields next to my house. I was a shy boy, though, and was never able to talk to the person. As the years grew, so too did my passion. Each day I would go out and play in the fields alone, pretending I was with the person I had grown to love, hoping that one day the child would join me when I played in those fields."

    She nodded her head slowly, hardly able to even understand what she had just heard. All the days she watched him play in those fields he had been in love with another, someone more deserving of his love than even her in his eyes. She could not blame him for any of this. Love was not something one could simply choose: it was something you had no control over in life. He had fallen in love with someone the same way she had fallen in love with him, though she would never have the pleasure of having that love returned like he did.

    "There was a lucky child in this kingdom," the Queen said weakly. "I must admit I'm rather envious."

    "There is no need to be envious, my Queen, for the one I've learned to love shall die by my side today in the town square. The day I finally had the nerve to admit my feelings and have them returned was the day both our fates were sealed in this fair kingdom."

    The Queen could bear it no longer. Though she could not have him, there was no need for both him and his lover to die because of some law she didn't even know of. She steeled herself, however, for she knew her father must have some divine reason for the death of the only man she had ever loved. There must be a reason she was unaware of for why some people were not allowed to love while others could do so freely.

    "Were you on your way to your execution when I so rudely interrupted you, then?" the Queen asked meekly. The man nodded his head, standing up and bowing once again.

    "I'm afraid so, my Queen. I must be on my way. All I wish is to see my beloved one last time before I am no longer chosen for this world."

    Another tear rolled down the Queen's cheek as she closed her eyes, preparing herself for that simple fact.

    "May I walk with you?" she finally asked. "I wish to see the one you've chosen to be worth more than life itself."

    The man thought for a minute before nodding his head, making his way towards the town square as the Queen followed behind him silently crying. Out of all the men in the world, she fell in love with the one she could never have. She wished she could have chosen who she had loved, or who would race through her head each and every day of her life. She wished that she'd never loved a man marked for death. She wished that she'd never loved a man who never loved her back.

    "Please do not cry, my Queen," the man said softly as he turned back to face her. "Your decision is fair - I'm sure you had good reasons for making it."

    The Queen did not say anything, continuing to walk forward as they made their way into the town square. Before she knew what she was doing, the Queen turned to the man and embraced him, holding onto him tightly the way she had always hoped to as a child. "I'm sorry," she whispered quietly. "I'm so sorry. Love is a good thing, something that brings peace and happiness to all that it touches. Never should I have outlawed it in this fair kingdom."

    The man smiled at her, breaking the embrace and walking towards the execution stand in the middle of the town square. "Fear not, my Queen. There must be a reason why my love is met with death while yours shall be met with celebration."

    The Queen watched as the man she had loved since her youth stepped onto the execution stand, surrounded by crowds of her loving, jeering subjects. Before her eyes another young man stepped onto the execution stand, holding the hand of her beloved and kissing him gently on the lips as the executioner made his way through the masses.

    And as the crowd cheered at the death of the young, loving couple, not a single soul noticed the crying Queen in the midst of the revelry.


    Well, there you have it. The entire idea just sort of randomly popped into my head so I wrote it down, but seeing as how it's pretty late at night I don't know if the effect translated well. Regardless, if you actually read it, please make sure to post with your thoughts and opinions. I'm interested to see what people think of this, whether good or bad hahah.

    Thanks for reading, everyone! :D
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2012
  2. AwesomeZekrom

    AwesomeZekrom Co-Owner of pokegyms

    Nice job for 11:00 in the night. I'll post something more in the club.
  3. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    I enjoyed this story - it was a nice way to deliver your point of view on such an issue imo, and the story itself was also well told overall. I liked how you kept the reveal in the end - I did guess a couple of paragraphs at it being a possible ending but I can't say I thought it would have been that way for sure seeing I had at least two other possibilities in mind. =p

    One complaint would be that it did feel a bit 'overwritten' at times - maybe that was purposeful (I can see how it might be that way in parts) but it seemed a touch much in places. For instance:

    I wasn't too sure if there had been that great a need to emphasise that she was greatly loved and had the perfect life and so forth - it was an interesting introduction but on reflection it could have been toned down a little in my opinion. This possibly has something to do with a bit of an issue with logic as well - if everyone was so excited to see her and so forth as established here and in the part when she first went outside, it seems a bit odd to me that 'not a single soul noticed the crying Queen in the midst of the revelry' and that they were so focused now on a different event instead - maybe toning that part down would make it fit better, or alternatively changing the last line ('none could understand why the Queen was crying' only better - thing I rather like how the last line is worded so I would personally lean to the former option).
    Unsure but would it be mortars or mortar?
    Another case with the overwritten thing imo was that around here it felt a bit to me that it the fact that this had been the only person she had loved and so forth... it seemed to be mentioned too often in the story and so the conversation dragged a little as a result so maybe 'less is more' would be something to consider with this aspect. My two cents anyways. =p

    Overall I did like this piece though - good work with it. =)
  4. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Thank you very much for your criticism and feedback. :3 Yeah, I know what you mean about it being overwritten in some parts. I wasn't really going for this story to be a major, epic piece of literature with no faults in the end, I guess. I just sort of wanted it to be an incredibly simple, easy piece for anyone to read and understand.

    I mostly just wanted to nail the fact that he was the only one she could love and he had felt the same way about someone else for the same circumstances and was facing death for it while she could roam free with her love. I really see what you mean about me overwriting in some aspects, though. More than likely I'll go back through and edit some of it soon. :p Thanks for all the corrections and feedback, but more importantly thanks for reading and enjoying it. :3

    @AwesomeZekrom- Thanks a ton for reading! I'm glad you liked it. :3 Hahah.

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