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Why her?(pokeshipping/advanceshipping)

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by Uzamaki Hinata, Oct 23, 2006.

  1. Uzamaki Hinata

    Uzamaki Hinata Bye bye!

    I know, I know.
    A pretty strange time to put up a fic.
    But I have no school now and, heck, when will I ever get this time again?
    Anyway, it pokeshipping and advanceshipping, not a one-shot, but an actual fic.
    I'm not sure how long to make it.
    Sorry for it being short and under May first person pov
    I plan to make it third from here on out
    But who knows?
    It would be greatly appreciated if someone could point out the mistakes in it.
    And, eeven though I'm not so much of a good author, I hope you enjoy it.
    For however long it may be.
    Well, here goes.
    Chapter 1

    Something about this doesn't seem right.
    Something about this seems like a dream.
    But who am I to tell you to stop?
    "May?" You call to me with an annoyed look in your eyes.
    "Um, yes?" I reply, trying hard to hide my blush.
    You caught me again.
    Looking into your eyes.
    "Come on, we have to go, the others are waiting!" You call to me before heading off to my brother and Brock.
    And I watch.
    Traying ever so hard to hide my blush.
    "May, what is wrong with you?!" Max calls, cupping his hands over his mouth.
    "Nothing!" I reply, and began to follow you and the others.
    Because as much as I want to stop you.
    I know I can't.
    As much as I wish for this to be a nightmare, some sort of bad dream I'll wake up from any minute now.
    I know it's not.
    "You're so slow!" Max says when I near him and I try to shrug it off.
    "You seem a little distracted," Brock says.
    "Of course she is," You say excitedly while putting your hand on to my shoulder. "May's just trying to think of her strategy for the upcoming Pokemon Contests."
    The other two look towards me and I manage to come out with a "yes."
    But that's not what I'm thinking about.
    That's not what's distracting me.
    "I can't wait!" Max shouts, changing the subject completely. "I can't wait to get to Cerulean!"
    "Well wait no more," Brock says. And points off to the city before us. "Because there it is!"
    Max and I gasp at it, because it's beautiful. And I look towards you to see a small smile sprouting on your lips. Because you can't wait to get there as well.
    To see her.
    "Oh, it looks so beautiful!" Max exclaims, and quickly he takes turns pulling on the tip of Brock's and your shirts. "Oh, can we go now?! Please, can we go now?!"
    "I don't see why not," Brock replies with a shrug and you nod in agreement.
    "We have to see Misty first!" Max says before tearing down the hill, and Pikachu follows him as well. Equally excited to see her.
    "I wonder if she's gotten better," you say, thinking aloud. "I wonder if she'll be able to beat me this time."
    "There's only one way to find out," Brock says, and he walks down the hill.
    "I don't know," You put your hands up, as if stretching. "Maybe she will beat me this time, I mean, she does have a Garydose after all." You turn to look at me. And instead of asking me what I think, you say. "Are you okay May, you hardly said a thing? I thought you'd be crazy about the huge mall in Cerulean."
    There you go, always worrying about others.
    "I’m fine," I reply with a small smile. "Just thinking...."
    "About what?"
    And I'm thinking, seriously thinking, should I tell you? Should I tell you that I'm thinking of you, again?
    That I've been thinking of you ever since you've said our next destination. Ever since Drew told me where the next contest would be.
    Ever since you said we were going to see her again.
    Because it's not that I hate her.
    I never could hate anyone.
    But it's because you like her.
    The way you get excited at the mention of her name.
    The sound if her voice.
    The smile on her lips.
    The curve of her body.
    And, really, who am I?
    To deny you of your wants?
    Of your needs?
    Because even you've said
    That you haven't been the same since she left.
    You need her, and even though it pains me so much to say it,
    I can't do anything about it.
    So I force a smile, an excited one, to show you I'm fine. "Just thinking about the contest." I answer.
    And you grin.
    God, why do you have to grin like that?
    "Isn't Drew entering that contest?" You asks.
    And I nod.
    "So, how about some training before?" You suggests. "Pikachu against Combuskin."
    And I smile. For real this time.
    Real excitement mixed with nervousness surging through my body. "That would be great Ash,” I answer. “Thanks."
    End of chapter 1

    I have a tendency of making 1st chapter under first person POV. :D
    Ack, I forgot to add a rating!
    Rated PG
  2. I like it so much!
    Great chappie^^
  3. PikamasterADV

    PikamasterADV No hero. Never was.


    Other than that, I liked it. I'm wondering how the story's gonna play out.

    If you would be so kind... could you add me to the PM List?
  4. fire_punk

    fire_punk Dragon Trainer


    whenever writing about pokemon i suggest here! Because pikachu is the only pokemon you spelt right!
    few spellings but its okay
  5. The Red Butterfly

    The Red Butterfly rocket queen

    Awww, very cute and yes it is a bit short but it was pretty good^^.

    Here are some pointers though:

    When you're typing out the story, to make it easier for the reader-instead of having the sentences so close to eachother, space them out instead. I'll show you an example:

    instead of:
    try this: Something about this doesn't seem right, something about this seems like a dream..*but who I am to tell you to stop? "May?" you call to me with an annoyed look in your eyes.

    "Um yes?" I reply, trying hard to hide my blush.

    See, you can still get out what you want to say and it makes it easier for the reader as well^^ Also I put the * because you really shouldn't start a sentence with but. Also, if you're going to add spaces after evry time someone says something you should add a bit more detail to it that way it's just not a page of one line sentences. I really hope this makes sense XD

    You are a good author Uza-chan >O and as I said it was a nice fic but if you make those few improvments, you'll do even better =D Keep it up!
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2006
  6. flamingoozaru

    flamingoozaru Well-Known Member

    Very nice, but like what The Red Butterfly, the story abit hard to read cause you space out alittle too much. Hope you do better next chapter!
  7. Uzamaki Hinata

    Uzamaki Hinata Bye bye!

    Thanks a lot for the feedback you guys, um, wow, I didn't think I would get any.
    thanks for the spelling corrections and I'll try to keep what you said in mind Kelsey,
    but mostly
    I'll try putting a chapter up this weekened
    We just had our finals and I'm just trying to see if I did good or not.
    Well, think ya can wait that long?
  8. The Red Butterfly

    The Red Butterfly rocket queen

    Fine, if I really must wait then I will TT XD Just kidding, just get the chapter up when you can^^ Well, hopefully your finals went well!
  9. Uzamaki Hinata

    Uzamaki Hinata Bye bye!

    Thank you for being patient and thanks for the wish of luck. I hope I do good too.
    Anyway, heres the next chap early, many appoligies if you have trouble reading this, I'll fix up the next chater I promise.

    Chapter 2
    “They said she went somewhere,” Max groaned as he sat down beside May. May could only look up at him from behind her soda with surprise. Shortly after Ash’s suggestion to go train her he had remembered about Pikachu racing off with Max to Misty’s gym and chased after him; May decided to go get a soda before joining them, but it seemed that she didn’t need to walk over to the gym because Misty wasn’t there.
    “Maybe she went for a walk?” Brock guessed as he sat down before Max and May.
    “This is Misty,” Ash reminded them, taking the seat beside Brock. “She probably went to go buy some Pokemon food.”
    “Piika,” Pikachu said, agreeing with Ash as he hopped off of his master’s shoulder and on to the table.
    “But I really wanted to see her Gyarados,” Max whined.
    “And I wanted to battle it,” Ash’s shoulders slumped.
    May rolled her eyes, “oh brother, you guys don’t even seem like you want to see her for her but for her stuff.”
    Both Ash and Max looked over at May with a confused expression on their faces, “huh?” They said in unison.
    “Oh don’t worry,” Brock said, giving Ash’s head a tap. “Ash just says he wants to battle her Pokemon when really he just wants to have alone time with Misty.”
    Max laughed out loud at that. “That’s ridiculous, Ash would never-!”
    May looked over towards Ash to see his face become scarlet red as he angrily swung for the dark man beside him. “BROCK!”
    Brock laughed as Ash’s hit missed him and the young teens hand went slamming down on to the table.
    “Ouch,” Brock said. “That has got to hurt.”
    Max’s eyes became wider, “do you mean that Ash really does want to have alone time with-?”
    “No!” Ash and May shouted, both glaring down at Max.
    May covered her mouth immediately after shouting. It had been an accident, before she had a chance to stop herself, she yelled.
    Ash’s head spun to look at May and soon, Max and Brock’s as well as soon as they had noticed May’s voice within the screams of no.
    Brock seemed to take amusement in this as he gave May a close look. “No?” He repeated as he cocked an eyebrow.
    May laughed nervously. “It’s just that Ash, he, and when you, Misty, I, um….”
    “Hey!” Max said, pointing towards May’s drink. “Where did you get that?”
    “Yeah,” Ash’s eyes lowered to May’s drink. “I’m so thirsty right now, where’d you buy it?”
    May sighed from relief, happy at how easily Ash and Max’s attention could be averted. “At the counter,” she said.
    Max stood up, “I wanna get a drink right now.”
    “Me too!” Ash said, agreeing with his younger friend.
    “Here,” Brock said, “I’ll get it for you guys since I am the oldest here and…” Suddenly the young man’s cheeks became red. “And that counter girl looks really cute.” He continued walking away.
    “Oh no, you don’t!” Max said as he chased after Brock.
    May couldn’t help but smile as she returned to her drink. If Misty had been there at the gym, none of this may have happened. And, May thought as she gazed towards Ash, he wouldn’t stay here with me.
    “Hey, uh, May?”
    May blushed as she looked back down to the table, had he caught her staring? “Yes?”
    “Uh, what did you mean by, how did you know that….”
    “What?” May asked, sitting up straight as she began to become curious.
    “Why did you say no?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “When Max had said…”
    “Oh, that,” May felt herself blush from embarrassment. If Ash hadn’t been so dense, maybe he would have understood why. May felt herself smile a little, there were times like these when she actually loved the fact that he was dense.
    “May?” The Pokemon trainer asked as he continued to wait for an answer.
    “An accident!” May shouted suddenly as she stood up.
    “An accident?” Ash repeated.
    “Uh, yeah!” May put her hands on the table as she leaned towards Ash. “See, um, when Max had asked I just remembered that I forgot something, and, um, I accidentally said no out loud.” May forced a small laugh. “Wow, what a coincidence, huh?”
    “I guess,” Ash shrugged it off as he turned on to the next thing on his mind. “Hey, when the contest? So I can know when I should…”
    “Train me?” May thought about it as she raised her hand to her chin. But as she had raised it, her hand had accidentally knocked over her soda. The orange liquid inside poured out on to the table, slipping off of the edge.
    Ash looked down at the table. “Uh, May,” he said as he pointed towards it. “Your drink.”
    “Huh?” May looked down to see her cup no longer standing with her soda spreading over the table top. “Oh man,” she groaned as she stood up. “I didn’t even get to finish it.”
    “Don’t worry,” Ash said, standing up as well. “We can tell Brock to order you another one.”
    “I know, but…” May let out another groan as she reached for a wad of napkins, wiping them over the table.
    Ash watched with a small grin on his face as he approached her. It wasn’t long until the grin exploded in to laughter.
    “What? Why are you laughing?” May asked, looking over at Ash with a confused look.
    Ash grinned again. “You’ve never washed tables, have you?”
    May looked down at the table, her napkins were soaked yet the table was still covered with a lot of her drink. “Yeah well, I bet I can do better than you.”
    “Really?” Ash picked up his own number of napkins and began to work on the table.
    Pikachu, getting tired of the two, hopped over to Max.
    May gasped as Ash had made one full corner of the table clean and rid of orange soda. “H-how?” She asked him.
    Ash smiled as he crossed his arms, getting ready to boast. “Well, when you live with only your mom in a town like Pallet, you get taught how to clean tables before throwing Pokemon.”
    “Really?” May asked, “’cause I thought that you’d learn Pokemon first seeing how Professor Oak lives there.”
    “Heh,” Ash rubbed the back of his head. “Well, you learn both of them at the same time then.”
    “Right,” May turned to focus back at the table as she reached for another wad of napkins.
    Ash watched her closely as she began to wipe the table. “That’s not how you do it,” he said.
    May ignored him and continued.
    “You’re not getting anywhere that way.”
    “You know Ash, you may have your own way how to wash tables in Pallet, but we have a different way in Petalburg,” the young coordinator huffed. Of course that had been a lie, but it was her mess and she had wanted to clean it before Max and Brock had gotten there.
    Ash had gotten quite bored of watching May waste huge amounts of napkins. “Here,” he said, standing behind her and taking her arm. “You do it on circle, small ones, not big, you won’t get anywhere with big.”
    May could feel Ash’s voice ringing through her ears as his chest pushed on to her back more and more. She blushed.
    “There,” Ash said with a smile. “That’s how you do it.”
    “Th-thanks,” May said as she continued to wash the rest of the table with Ash’s techniques. She could have melted, yes, right there and then. Except for minor other parts, May had hardly ever been that close to Ash, the feeling of his body against hers. Her blush deepened as she stole a quick glance at Ash again, his back was facing her.
    “Hey guys!” Max shouted as he ran back to Ash and May. “We have the drinks.”
    “Oh, did you get May one?” Ash asked.
    “No,” Max answered. “She already had one, remember?”
    “Yeah, but it’s just that hers spilled and-”
    “It’s alright,” May interrupted. “I’m not so thirsty anymore.”
    “Hey,” Brock said as he joined his group of friend. “Just called the gym, Misty’s there wating for us.”
  10. PikamasterADV

    PikamasterADV No hero. Never was.

    *lands in a pile of fluff* This chapter came across as largely fluffy. Not that that's bad.

    As you've already noticed, it is a bit hard to read, and I assume you'll keep your promise of making it easier to read for the next chapter.

    There are a few minor capitalization and grammar issues (some commas are missing, I think.) but it's certainly much better than before.

    As the plot is concerned... I wonder what will happen when they meet Misty? And lots of Ash's actions are ambiguous towards liking Misty: Brock seems to be putting words in his mouth (and his frustration with this might have been the origon of the blusing?).

    My guessing aside, I'm interested on where this is gonna go in the next chatper.

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