icomeanon6
It's "I Come Anon"
(Ambyssin gets his own post because between the quotes and my own words this isn't far away from the character limit.)
Ambyssin:
Your opinion on this also doesn't need a caveat; I'm positive others share it and for good reason.
Anyway, glad you liked it! Now onto your chapter-by-chapter.
Jeeze, he's eleven, cut him some slack. :P Sorry this one fell flat for you. I said about this chapter earlier that if this doesn't make you feel awful for Travis, then the rest of the fic doesn't really work.
In fact, I just remembered I wrote this: "In a rare bout of detachment, Derek debated the possibility that his life was not a tragedy as he had long suspected, but rather a mean-spirited comedy." So yeah, not your fault for thinking the whole fic was a black comedy.
I was kind of hoping though that the battle wouldn't seem too by-the-books because it's part of setting up how Jason's battle strengths (which are otherwise mediocre) lie in applying pressure to Pokemon specifically to make them easier to catch. Oh well.
Anyway, bear in mind that these places all went out of business in the late '90s, and Jen's trying to spearhead a more family-friendly revival. The leagues were minor leagues but unaffiliated with the Pokemon League (see the Frontier League in baseball, but even less lucrative).
I think it's okay that you wouldn't have made the nostalgia connection otherwise. It's only really important that you understand it's a commentary about nostalgia if you're judging the original contest, and the judges knew to be looking for that angle. I think it still works to explain Jen and what the gym means to her even if the reader isn't conscious of that angle. Anyway, the main commentary on nostalgia is actually in the uplifting ending: it's better to take what you're nostalgic about and make it as good as you remember it than to fool yourself into thinking it was always that good. Incidentally, that's why I write fanfiction, so this short story's pretty personal to me.
I was actually worried that it would seem like Jen got the hang of the Mantine too quickly, which is why I made sure to imply that it already knew how to "surf."
More on chapter orders, this is another example where I think reordering would cause more problems than it solves. If this chapter took place earlier, I don't think it would work as well as a moment on its own, which is what I wanted. I really think this is one case where the numbered chapters add gravity to one of the side chapters rather than the other way around, even if that's not obvious when you're reading it. There's always a tradeoff with the positioning of the side-chapters, and I decided that as a highly emotional chapter this one worked better closer to the climax of the story, whereas The New Recruit functioned better as background. Despite the problems you point out that are real and valid, I'm sticking by my decision of the ordering.
Again, it's my fault for making a story that has too many elements for its length.
Yeah, the manga's pretty hardcore at times. It rocks.
I think I realized that if I included this detail, it might not be 100% believable because I'd thought of it too recently, but it felt right so I erred on the side of inclusion.
On the bright side, if it seems tense, then that means I must have convinced you not to take everything as comedy by this point. :P
I wouldn't say the Dazzling Gleam's nearly as bad as the Dark Pulse, but if it works for you I'm definitely not complaining.
I thought it'd be interesting to have the arrival of the cavalry suck out all the heroism of the battle for Derek instead of the other way around. I think it's also consistent with the idea that harming yourself harms those close to you no matter how hard you try to control the circumstances.
Fortunately for Derek, the narrative arc doesn't solely belong to him and his life lessons, so there might be a chance for some heroism yet...
Oh, but Travis saw the casualty coming, though! “Your arm’s gonna fall right off if you keep treating it like that.” I'm wondering if anyone caught that; probably not.
Anyway, he's not really emulating Derek because Derek watches his mouth around him most of the time. This is just puberty, and Jason's shaping up to be an obnoxious teenager, albeit one who's more genuine and honest with his friends than he was before.
(Whew.) That was a lot of words about this stuff. Thank you so much for your review and for your valuable observations. Even if we don't completely agree on how to fix the problems, you're bringing a lot of very real issues to my attention and I appreciate that. (Don't hold your breath for a second draft, though.)
Ambyssin:
Ultimately I think it was more about the arguments in favor of the Pokemon world. Early in planning there was definitely a big element of critiquing the premise of Pokemon, but really quickly I realized that not only is Pokemon too easy a target for that to be interesting or different, but it's not really the message I want to send either. As dangerous as Pokemon is, in the real world I think the problem is how we keep our kids covered in bubble-wrap for their entire childhoods, and then we act surprised when they're unprepared for the adult world. So I decided it would be more honest to lay out the reasons why the world of Pokemon is stupidly dangerous for kids, and then argue to keep the kids in it despite all that. It's easy to write cynically and pass it off as realism, and I prefer to be an optimistic realist. I thought about this today after reading your review again, and I think if taking apart Pokemon would be a "deconstruction," what I want to do is more like "reconstruction."Well, after all the plugging this got in the Fic Love channel and all of Cutlerine’s jokes in the review thread I finally got around to reading this. And I can say with satisfaction that I am glad I took the time to wait for this to finish so I could read the whole thing properly from start to finish. Now, I probably didn’t take the right attitude toward this story. There’s an immense grounding in realism that you definitely nail. You take one of the most ridiculous premises in the whole franchise (little kids fighting a yakuza organization, or just bad guys in general) and take a good, hard look at it. Heck, there are even a fair number of moments of “Why are we letting kids run around with giant destructive monsters?” To be fair, you do give some logical and emotional arguments in favor of the Pokémon world premise. And that helps to hammer in the realism. The tongue-and-cheek approach that the narration uses also helps with that.
You know what, I think that is my fault. The fic's title is a joke, so I'm inviting people to see it as straight comedy that way. And it is supposed to be funny even if it's not supposed to be a comedy, so that only adds to the confusion. But hey, if someone can come in expecting a different genre, not realize it until late, and come out happy, then I must be doing something right.But like I said, with all the jokes people made about this story, I read this with the lenses of “this is black comedy,” and, as a result, didn’t take any of it seriously. Not your fault. And I don’t think it lessened my enjoyment of things at all. I just wanted to say that so you understand my play-by-play thoughts and why they might seem really odd.
I was as surprised as you were with Derek. I was convinced at first that he would be the least popular of the main characters, but he's probably the most popular. I think it's because his fears are more common than we'd often like to admit. And since I drew so much of what gives him anxiety from what gives me anxiety, I really shouldn't have been surprised that people would relate to him.Moving on. The strength of your characters comes from how believable you make them feel. Everyone is age appropriate, with very real flaws to their characters that make sense for the ages they are and the current lifestyles they have. I do think it’s amazing that (whether intentional or not) Derek somehow ended up as both the “only sane man” and the one who pretty much lost his mind over the course of this story. I thought he would be the least believable character, but ended up feeling like the most grounded to me. I don’t think I could specifically tell you why. Maybe it’s because of how helpless he feels but how he soldiers on anyway because the alternative (uncertainty) scares him to death. That definitely resonates on a personal level.
Yeah, Jen and Jason were probably twins in another life. I saw if anything Derek and Travis being closer along with Hanna and Krissy, but you raise some good points. Regardless, I was definitely hoping that the trios would seem distinct but would share a lot of common experience and understanding.At the same time (and I might be misreading things here), the adult trio felt like counterparts to each of the kids, in some way. I’d say Jen and Jason kinda match up (hotheads with a penchant for getting into trouble). As does Travis and Hanna (both of them have a fair tendency to be rather smart-alecky with their statements but, in fact, are rather anxious kids) and Derek and Krissy (not good with others, feeling a bit stuck, not sure how to deal with things they aren’t prepared for, can sometimes come across as detached). I think the flashbacks show it more in Jen’s and Hanna’s cases.
Some of my real-life frustrations about organizations that have chronic communication problems definitely found their way into the story.At the same time, you give a pretty realistic take on why the police are so inept against an organization like Team Rocket. It kind of mirrors the troubles some real-world gangs pose for various cities. Props in that regard. And Pokémon Training is given a much more grounded take compared to the games. It feels perfectly believable and fits in with the scenario you set up for the world.
Unfortunately, for each issue reordering the side-chapters would solve, I can think of five others they'd cause. Moving up The New Recruit would also mean that the reader wouldn't have knowledge I wanted them to have for chapters 6 and 8. The problem is that there's too much stuff for everything to be both A) far enough ahead to where it's emotionally fresh and B) far enough back for the knowledge to be present everywhere it needs to be. I don't mean to defend myself so much as admit that the story's too complicated for its own good. It requires the reader to remember too much seemingly inconsequential stuff to be as accessible or effective as I want it to be, and that's my fault. Suffice to say, I don't think reordering is the answer because the problem goes deeper than that, and there's no ordering to make all the existing elements work as I intended. I still think on the whole that this is the least troublesome ordering unless I rewrite the whole thing and either significant cuts, expansions, and alterations.As far as any criticisms, I think I point them out in my individual chapter thoughts. Mainly, I think the ordering of some of the side chapters could’ve been adjusted so that some of the big moments in the numbered chapters would have the emotional impact you were going for. Because as it was, I as the reader didn’t respond like I think you wanted your readers to some of the big moments. For example, Derek’s whole suicide by cop routine had me going, “Well, how’s this Russo battle gonna go down, then,” rather than feeling bad that things had gotten so awful for him. So, maybe placing The New Recruit chapter at the end (alongside Hubris Island) would’ve worked better? Especially since Tyranitar really shines in Ch 11 but is basically nonexistent in the story before then, so I had forgotten about Derek's interactions with Larvitar by this time. But again, that’s personal taste, and I’m sure everyone disagrees with me there.
Your opinion on this also doesn't need a caveat; I'm positive others share it and for good reason.
Those are your words about the awards, not mine. :P You might rather be remembering what I said about a one-shot I wrote for a contest on another forum recently, where I made no secret that I wanted to wipe the floor with the competition. As for WSSTK, I'd be surprised and happy with any awards it gets just because the field at Serebii this year is so wonderfully packed. There really is a lot of talent here, and it's great.I see why this came so highly recommended. Looks like you’ve enjoyed the ride and I know you have high hopes for this fic with some of the awards. All I’ll say is that it was a very fun read and satisfying to through in its entirety. My individual chapter thoughts are in spoilers. Sorry in advance for how scatterbrained they are.
Anyway, glad you liked it! Now onto your chapter-by-chapter.
Lol, they are. Travis is overcompensating, and that's official. But as you'll see later, Rabies' name doesn't actually make the guys look bad ;D-Jason and Travis’s nicknames for their ‘mons are absolutely ridiculous. Way to make us guys look bad, you two.
It's scenes like this why I don't blame you for thinking it was some kind of comedy. Basically everything I write ends up trying to be at least a little funny here and there, no matter how serious.-The entire ice cream parlor scene is purposefully awkward. Like, good lord, Derek, could you come off sounding any more forced? The answer’s know, and the kids clearly all know it, but don’t wanna call the adult out. And it’s pretty dang funny.
Now here's where the fic probably suffers if you're expecting everything to be funny. >__< The truth is that the police haven't laughed him off at all; it just feels like that to him because he's distraught.-There’s such an odd juxtaposition with the scene with Phillip. Like, I know from crime shows that “my local precinct laughed it off,” is a common thing. But having Phillip turning to other kids instead of different cops is so ridiculous it just makes me laugh.
Heh, Jason and Travis definitely weren't champions for women's equality at this stage in their lives.-I like how Travis and Jason’s initial response to Krissy is basically along the lines of, “Ugh, a girl.” Which is totally appropriate for 10 year-olds, but something we tend to forget about it these types of stories. Points for realism!
I actually don't recall a thing about Ash's Chikorita, even though I'm pretty sure I watched at least a little of the Johto anime when I was a kid.-The battle itself is pretty basic introductory trainer fare. Oddly enough Krissy’s Chikorita reminds me of Ash’s in the anime. Probably the fact that its facing a Growlithe right out of the gate.
That bit was 100% a way for me to control the order in which information is revealed in the chapter while disguising it as a joke/fun character moment.Bah ha ha ha, I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard Kurt used like that. It’s hilarious.
Normally I don't do much with canon characters at all, much less rewrite them entirely, but I figured that Maizie was so minor that nobody would care. I also wanted this to be a look at the differences between the adult- and child-mindsets. And I've got no idea if anyone picked up on this, but Maizie's argument and Russo's later argument about the ethics of Pokemon theft are supposed to be the same premises taken to completely different conclusions.-I’m surprised. I wasn’t expecting this side-chapter to turn into something focus on the mechanics of catching a Pokémon and dealing with obedience (or lack thereof) in Pokémon. It’s an interesting take on apricons and Poké Balls, to be sure. And a cool way to do an original take on a very minor character from the actual canon (Maizie). To top it all off, Jen didn’t even end up doing a satisfying job helping Maizie. No happy endings to be had here, apparently.
-Oh, what’s this? At the very start we have Travis suddenly deciding Rocket-hunting isn’t a good idea. I guess this isn’t as cut-and-dry as I had it painted from the beginning. You do a good job using the narration to paint a justification between Travis thoughts and his actions. There’s a sense of desperation to his perspective on the whole battle that it doesn’t seem like Krissy and Jason end up dealing with. And having the Rocket Grunt snag(?) Wyvern from Travis is a veritable gut punch to me as the reader. Well, that’s what I think you were going for anyway. But given we’re not that far into things and given what we see of Travis’s character, he kind of had it coming and I’m finding I don’t really sympathize with him. Still, it’s a healthy dose of “reality ensues,” with some twinges of black comedy that keep it from being too depressing.
I wouldn't say it's so much that Hanna is that kind of character as it is that she doesn't know how serious everything is yet. But yeah, she has an odd relationship with both Bill and Derek. I didn't make this quite explicit in the text, but Hanna has a thing for older men, and Derek looks closer to 40 than to his actual age. Ultimately though she's so clueless when it comes to romance that nothing comes of it in either case.-Wow, the opening is totally silly considering what’s about to happen. Or, maybe Hanna’s just that kind of character. At least, it seems that way with her implied treatment of Bill and Derek.
I wouldn't say you should have expected it. But I also wouldn't say it was supposed to be a "surprise" per se. The relevance of pokeball mechanics was supposed to be a consequence of Hanna's character/career and the situation with Wyvern, neither surprising nor expected. (shrug)-Man, you really go the distance in trying to scientifically explain the magitek that is Poké Balls. I suppose it’s a logical follow-up to the Fire Safety chapter. It caught me by surprise, I guess. I should’ve figured a story with Rockets would have Poké Balls factor into it, but the thought never crossed my mind.
In their minds it's more "completely obvious" that they were part of the problem than that they "logically concluded" it. :P But yeah, they were a lot of fun to write and I'm pleased with all the stuff I was able to do with their abilities.-I like the way Marie and Hanna are able to intertwine their minds to accomplish work-related tasks. That’s a very different way of putting a psychic-type’s powers to use. And, for that matter, we don’t often get to see a lot of Alakazam’s vaunted IQ on display, but it’s shown off quite a bit with Marie. What with the Poké Ball “hacking” and Marie eavesdropping on people’s minds and logically concluding that she and Hanna are part of the problem with the kids going after Rockets.
He's a pretty chill dude, and no doubt a little corny. Adventures Bill is the first one I think of when I think of Bill, and this version is supposed to be him when he's pushing 40, I guess. I'm sure Jax could tell you a million ways I got the character wrong, though. :P-Maybe I’m reading b/w the lines here, but your Bill gives off this “Aww, shucks. Gee wiz,” kind of characterization to him. And there’s a bit of a nice guy mentality to him as well. If anything, I was reminded of his appearances in the early chapters of the Adventures manga and started reading his lines with the southern accent they gave him. XD
Glad it stuck out. This conflict I think is the core one of the entire story.This scene b/w Hanna and Derek as a whole is pretty powerful. It kind of pokes apart the idea of kids doing crazy things with Pokémon on their journeys and adults not wanting to put a stop to that fun. I picked this paragraph b/c it really hammers that message home.
They really are! :D-Yup, as soon as I heard the Rocket Execs mentioned, I figured the kids would decide to stage a “rescue mission.” They’re totally screwed!
Yup, intentional, and compounded with how Derek's second "starter" happens to be a pseudo-legendary so those in charge will think it's a good idea instead of a bad idea. But as we'll see, Derek gets pretty darn far with this strategy.-Wow, that is some intense level of effort Derek’s going through. I couldn’t help but laugh when he points out the weaknesses in the Chief’s strategy, though. It’s almost comparable to having a well-rounded Pokémon team versus trying to solo a Pokémon game with your starter. Maybe that analogue is intentional?
He's not really "hearing voices" so much as he distrusts his own voice so much that he intentionally imagines certain thoughts in Jen's and Hanna's voices. The laughable part is how there's basically no one else in his life to act as his emotional ballast besides his younger sister and her best friend, both teenaged kids.-Wow, little Jen is so much like Travis and Jason it kind of hurts. Also, Derek hearing voices in his head. Normally a frightening thing, but here it’s played entirely for laughs (I think).
My idea was that Larvitar would have killed most other potential trainers, but Derek did just get through some pretty intense police training, including some martial arts. ("You see that? Fighting beats Rock!") Not gonna lie, this was the most fun scene to write. And here at least it honestly is black comedy, so whoops.-I like the initial skirmish between Derek and Larvitar, even though I’m pretty sure Larvitar should’ve pretty much killed Derek or something. But I guess since Derek didn’t catch him in the wild, it’s classic Pokémon disobedience playing out.
In fact, I just remembered I wrote this: "In a rare bout of detachment, Derek debated the possibility that his life was not a tragedy as he had long suspected, but rather a mean-spirited comedy." So yeah, not your fault for thinking the whole fic was a black comedy.
Lol, I liked those too. And I don't know if anyone caught this, but the line about nudism was retroactively turned into foreshadowing for Wyvern's standalone chapter. XDHooooo-wheeeeee, better break out the Burn Heal cause that was one heck of a zinger, yesiree. (What an age-appropriate insult, actually. The nudist conversation was similarly silly.)
Jason is indeed dense, but deep down he doesn't want to be and he isn't quite as dense as he seems, which is what I was trying to hint at here. The problem is that he and Travis have built their friendship around versions of themselves that aren't the truest to their real inner-selves. By the time of the epilogue they understand each other better, even if they still keep up a lot of their old facade because it's fun.-Overall there’s some nods toward some of the weirder stuff in Pokémon. Namely, the fact that player characters walk through frigid areas (like Ice Path) without needing any sort of specialized outfit. And also, ice sliding puzzles. God, I hate those. The battle itself is fairly by the books, but I was really surprised with Jason’s very humble gesture of offering Krissy the Sneasel he caught. Like, it was really unexpected given he’s been portrayed as pretty dense up to this point.
I was kind of hoping though that the battle wouldn't seem too by-the-books because it's part of setting up how Jason's battle strengths (which are otherwise mediocre) lie in applying pressure to Pokemon specifically to make them easier to catch. Oh well.
The idea was that at this point the reader shouldn't be sure which side of the debate they fall on, so I guess your reaction's close enough to what I wanted.This line right here summarizes how ridiculous the whole moral quandary that’s plagued the adults through the story so far. And yet it’s basically something everyone takes for granted b/c they’re sending kids off with monsters that spit fire and lightning and lasers and stuff. Of course Jen’s point of view is also an interesting one and could actually be considered a pretty valid thing to consider in the games themselves.
Don't worry, the emotional wringer is still coming for almost everyone. Glad that scene wrenched the heart a little.-And then the ending scene with Travis starting to break down is a bit heart-wrenching. If you’d told me he was going to be the one that ended up going off the rails, I wouldn’t believe you. The early chapters made it seem like Jason would get put through the emotional ringer.
Yup. >__<The sad thing is this is undoubtedly true today for both the police and, say, patient health records. Good grief.
Yeah, the title was supposed to be a pretty strong hint.-Okay I don’t need to read any further than the title to get the feeling that we’re about to meet the real Krissy…
Okay, relax, you're supposed to, I believe you.-Okay, yeah, Chikorita, a character in her favorite story named Krissy. I CAN READ BETWEEN THE LINES, I SWEAR!
Creepy's a good word for it.On that note, the test battle against the Rattata read much differently from the earlier battles. More… analytical and mechanical. Like a computer simulation, almost. That even extends to Luc– err, Erin meeting up with these girls in Violet City. She’s practically coaching herself through the initial interactions. It’s kind of creepy when you consider she’s supposed to be 10.
Yup. Kids can be cruel sometimes.-Okay, ouch… those girls were totally harsh to Lucerinissy. Well, that’s a pretty childish prank, but their reasoning seemed a bit more “out to hurt her.”
Uh, good, because the ending scene wasn't supposed to be the big twist. >__< I meant for the reveal to be no later than, "As soon as she left home with Chikorita, she intended to hide behind a new name altogether,," near the beginning of the chapter, and possibly as early as the first sentence, depending on how big a mental leap the reader's willing to take. If anything, the connection at the end is just there to show why she started following the boys around (Jason's catching technique fascinates her).-So, yup, this is Krissy’s big reveal. But, again, with the way the last chapter ended and the name of this chapter, I had no trouble putting the pieces together so the ending scene didn’t end up being the big twist so much as, “Ah, so that’s how they ended up meeting.”
Actually yes XD-So I know you work in the tech industry. I can’t help but wonder if Hanna is in some ways a reference to your own job. And maybe Jen’s reaction is what some people do when you start talking about it. No? I’ll shut up now…
Wait, that's what gets a big surprised reaction out of you?? I officially give up on trying to understand readers.-HOLY WAIT WHAT okay I really wasn’t expecting these other gyms to basically be likened to alternative sports leagues (or maybe development/minor leagues). I just made that connection since you love your sports talk. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this earlier.
Anyway, bear in mind that these places all went out of business in the late '90s, and Jen's trying to spearhead a more family-friendly revival. The leagues were minor leagues but unaffiliated with the Pokemon League (see the Frontier League in baseball, but even less lucrative).
:D This was actually revealed in a throwaway line near the end of Chapter 2, but it's only here that we learn that Rabies' name is the result of Jen's twisted sense of humor, not Jason's.-Oh Rabies is actually Summer’s pup? D’awwwww, that’s adorable. :3
Worse than point shaving, it's straight up taking an intentional loss. See the Black Sox Scandal.-Oh, well I suppose a flashback about sports wouldn’t be complete w/o an equivalent to shaving points or whatever. Kind of sucks for Jen given how upbeat she was about the whole thing. Although, the drunk scene following it is, I suppose, a good commentary on nostalgia and things never quite being as good as we remembered them. Though Hanna’s there to give a bit of uplift, thankfully, and end things off on a more positive note. It was just overall so bizarre to read this after having talked with you in Discord. Like, I’m not sure I would have made the connection otherwise.
I think it's okay that you wouldn't have made the nostalgia connection otherwise. It's only really important that you understand it's a commentary about nostalgia if you're judging the original contest, and the judges knew to be looking for that angle. I think it still works to explain Jen and what the gym means to her even if the reader isn't conscious of that angle. Anyway, the main commentary on nostalgia is actually in the uplifting ending: it's better to take what you're nostalgic about and make it as good as you remember it than to fool yourself into thinking it was always that good. Incidentally, that's why I write fanfiction, so this short story's pretty personal to me.
Yeah. It's for this reason (and to make the reveal possible) that the narration stayed away from Krissy's perspective in the numbered chapters until now.-Funny, it feels like the narration at the start has become more mature-sounding when describing Krissy. Almost as if it’s showing us, “Yup, the jig is up. You all know who she is and how she operates now.”
I was hoping the conversation about him just having gotten out of the brig would make it seem not so much out of left field. I was also hoping that Jason and Travis showing up wouldn't be a surprise because that's what they started doing at the end of Chapter 6. I really make it hard on the readers to remember everything that's important. >__< And I do still think it's primarily dedicated to Krissy; it's also important that we see how she thinks while interacting with the other two members of the trio.-Wow, the Grunt she jumps is the exact same one that captured Wyvern and led to this situation in the first place? What are the odds?Actually pretty high considering the way this story’s gone so far.I mean, what a tweeeest! I was surprised to see Jason crash the party, however. Figured this chapter would be dedicated primarily to Krissy.
(shrug) Life doesn't always stick to the script, I guess is what I was thinking.Aaaaaaaaand there goes all the dramatic tension that this scene might’ve had. Stuff like this is probably why I’ve read this whole thing in a very tongue-and-cheek manner.
It's true that she doesn't think the boys are up to the task, but really her motivation is more that she doesn't want them to get hurt over something she sees as her fault. I'm also not sure I'd call this a "shift" in her characterization so much as a clarification on things that seemed off about her.-Krissy continues to totally not trust anyone and put the onus on herself and it nearly got her head bash in. Good going there. At least, now that her characterization has shifted, it seems firmly rooted in her Rocket-affiliated nature and that doesn’t seem to be going away.
That's actually what everyone else is doing: looking the other way. The Rockets scare most people sh*tless.-While I’m tempted to wonder why absolutely no one seems to care a Rocket Grunt is walking about asking about a missing kid, I’m going to just look the other way.
By this point I had caught onto why the readers seemed to like Derek so much, and it's basically for the reason you point out.Ah yes, the old “status quo is better than dealing with the unknown,” paradigm. I can totally sympathize with this and it definitely makes Derek seem like the most realistic, human member of the entire cast.
He is, but perhaps he was just doing the right thing. We'll see.I get the feeling someone (*cough*Travis*cough*) is gonna hesitate and it’s going to create a ton of trouble.
Derek's the big exception to adventurousness running in the family, obviously. What does run in the family is that they're all pretty damn strong, as we see with Jen on the cliff, Jason having a ridiculous throwing arm, and Derek beating an enraged Larvitar into submission.-First off, hey, it’s cool we get to see things from the other side of The New Recruit. Second off, young(er) Jen is just as reckless and impulsive as Jason tends to be. It must run in the family or something! Second off, I’m extremely biased toward my Legendaries, so theming a one-off around Lugia (even if it’s not properly seen) will always win me over. Because I’m extraordinarily biased. The storm itself is fierce and have the newly-caught Mantine trying to surf through it is tense and reminds me of some of the scenes from the anime or manga where characters are dealing with storm-making Pokémon and trying to escape. I like that Mantine’s inexperience factors into things. Clearly, this is a story where Pokémon training takes serious time and dedication and isn’t something that happens really quickly, unlike the actual games.
I was actually worried that it would seem like Jen got the hang of the Mantine too quickly, which is why I made sure to imply that it already knew how to "surf."
Yeah, Travis is supposed to be a type-specialist, and he only pretends to care about battling because he doesn't think Jason would stay his friend otherwise.-Travis’s whole mentality is so, I don’t even want to say Gym Leader-like. If anything, it’s like some sort of super-hardcore specialty trainer. Maybe like a gym trainer in one of the games, or something? Still, this flashback’s clearly trying to paint the picture that Wyvern’s health and well-being mean more than the outcome of any battles. Consider it strange or call me in the minority here, but had you put this chapter earlier, it would’ve made the outcome of Ch 3 much more heart wrenching to me, as opposed to my actual reaction of, “Oh, well that certainly sucks, but you kind of brought it on yourself.” I guess this chapter’s trying to build up a desire to see Wyvern freed, but I think you’ve already done a good enough job with showing how desperate even Krissy is to make things right.
More on chapter orders, this is another example where I think reordering would cause more problems than it solves. If this chapter took place earlier, I don't think it would work as well as a moment on its own, which is what I wanted. I really think this is one case where the numbered chapters add gravity to one of the side chapters rather than the other way around, even if that's not obvious when you're reading it. There's always a tradeoff with the positioning of the side-chapters, and I decided that as a highly emotional chapter this one worked better closer to the climax of the story, whereas The New Recruit functioned better as background. Despite the problems you point out that are real and valid, I'm sticking by my decision of the ordering.
Again, it's my fault for making a story that has too many elements for its length.
(shrug) I thought it fit him.Huh. So that’s Travis’s big desire? I… never would’ve guessed something like that. It’s so bizarre.
Really, that oomph is why I wanted it here instead of near the beginning. I honestly don't think the oomph would have been there if we weren't already invested in Travis and Wyvern. In this case the oomph was more an end than a means to an end.-I like your take on evolution and relating it to healthy growth and development of a Pokémon. Again, especially because the evolution has this emotional oomph to it, I feel like this would’ve been better before chapter 3. As it is, it’s still good and provides some stakes to make me root for Wyvern’s safe return.
Poor Krissy just ain't a hacker. Maybe Hanna could give her some tips.-Whoa. Feels like we’ve made a jump into an espionage story or one of those heist movies I get a kick out of watching. Even the way Krissy directs Frostbite is much different than the usual battles thus far. Complete with an attempted “hacking” scene that goes hilariously wrong for Krissy. Actually, all of this goes hilariously wrong right off the bat. I firmly expected it, but not this quickly.
Sometimes emulating your boss is a good path to promotion XDLikewise, I wasn’t expecting Russo so dang soon. That’s definitely one way to introduce the guy, with some villainous philosophical waxing. And, in perfect step for a Rocket Exec, he tries to turn this whole issue into a business proposal for Krissy. And then we have chess analogies because of course we do. It’s almost like he’s emulating Giovan– oh wait, he’s totally doing that.
On the one hand, hey look. Russo stopped the kids… sorta!Fic over… everyone go home.But seriously, that’s a creepy use for a Gengar. Reminds me of Agatha in the Yellow chapter of the manga.
Yeah, the manga's pretty hardcore at times. It rocks.
There is some humor in the moment, but I'm glad it doesn't seem to take the edge off of what follows. Climax inbound!-Derek’s “Oh crap!” moment when he realizes who Krissy is was absolutely priceless. Like in a, “How could this possibly get any worse?” kind of way. The humor quickly drains out of the situation when Derek has to bash Slate. Good grief this got dark quickly.
Darn, I was hoping people would buy the in-text explanation (they goofed, they were focused on the pokemon and forgot to check for anything else). I was stumped on how else to handle the situation. If I have to excuse it, I guess I think that after everyone's run of ridiculously bad luck, they deserve one lucky break. Sorry.-I’m gonna chastise Team Rocket for not confiscating Travis’s phone. Really? You guys didn’t think that’d be a problem or anything? Here I had y’all pegged as being competent and scary. I think this is the first bit that’s kind of thrown off my willful suspension of disbelief. Props to them for surprising Jen and Hanna and putting Marie relatively out of commission. But, yeah, that part irked me for some reason.
I was feeling really self-conscious about the climax approaching, which is why the next two chapters/epilogue were part of a mega-update. Didn't want to kill any momentum either within the battle coming up or between the battle and when everything gets wrapped up, especially because at the time everyone was reading this serial-style with a break between chapters.-Oh-kay, talk about your dramatic tension. Derek’s totally gone past the despair event horizon and is ready for the Rocket equivalent of suicide by cop. Meanwhile he thinks the kids are safe but, surprise, they’re not because Jen and Hanna are too stubborn to let the Rockets get to him. This is all happening very quickly, so I must give props for not trying to drag out the big climax and turning it into a big ol’ adrenaline rush.
I'll admit that I didn't think of this detail with Krissy and what they do to cops until maybe the chapter before this. On revision I'd probably put in a little more foreshadowing, or at least a hint that there's something Krissy's forced into the back of her mind. It's the origin of Krissy's obsession with dismantling Team Rocket, but it's the kind of thing she couldn't stand to focus on all the time because it was too awful. I guess I'll also say that part of her training growing up was mental compartmentalization, on the grounds that Russo would want her to share his capacity for cognitive dissonance otherwise she wouldn't embrace Team Rocket.-Okay, kicking things off with some high-stakes emotional tension. Jeebus, that was an incredibly tense bit with what Russo does to cops. Although I have to say I’m surprised Krissy isn’t more shaken up by it (namely in earlier chapters). Any kid getting put through stuff like that would probably end up more than a bit messed up in the head.
I think I realized that if I included this detail, it might not be 100% believable because I'd thought of it too recently, but it felt right so I erred on the side of inclusion.
On the bright side, if it seems tense, then that means I must have convinced you not to take everything as comedy by this point. :P
Lol. I wouldn't call it an origin though, maybe just a place where it comes into play much more strongly than in our world. I think both here and there the origin lies within human nature, especially for kids.Behold! In the Pokémon world, that stereotypical teenage feeling of invincibility has a legitimate origin: Pokémon training!
Actually, never mind, I can't stop trying to be at least a little funny even when I'm not writing comedy. :P I don't think I had the manga in mind when I was writing this scene in particular, but I had read Red/Blue/Yellow several years ago and the battles are definitely a good lesson in writing believable, no-holds-barred, visceral Pokemon battles.-And now, we get into the Pokémon battle with Russo. Starting off, hilarious that Derek doesn’t go for Russo’s villainous philosophizing and just has Tyranitar go into full Godzilla mode. And then the two just sick their Pokémon onto each other. Some might call it dark but I’m just going to say you’re taking a play from the manga’s playbook again. Especially with how visceral Tyranitar is toward Scizor. Forget type advantage because there’s clearly an experience gap (and also some modest physics) at work here.
Just gotta ratchet up that tension, bit by bit. I think it's all about slowly making things feel more and more hopeless until the momentum changes in the heroes' direction.-Gengar manages to be straight-up creepy again. Especially with that whole Dark Pulse tidbit and all the mind-screwing stuff it could do to Derek. Not to mention the Toxic it manages to land to turn an uphill battle into an unwinnable scenario. Adding onto that creepiness is the following scene showing the extent of the Hyper Beam damage, which totally manages to unnerve Jen and Hanna and now suddenly they find themselves feeling a bit childish.
Toxic + barrier-spam is what Russo uses when he has no choice but to bring an overpowered enemy Pokemon down to his level. It's not his favorite, even if it's something he structured part of his team around. He figured he would get enough satisfaction out of finishing him off with Rhydon, though.-Back to the battle, Mr. Mime is suitable weird with its love of barrier spamming and you give Dazzling Gleam and fairy-type energy an extremely supernatural flavor. The way it screws up Derek’s sight and vision is just as bad as the Dark Pulse, if you ask me. Then a surprise Electrode using Explosion (a Rocket favorite), which leads straight into another “Oh crap!” moment with Rhydon’s appearance. And props to you for not framing the rest of the group’s appearance as a big heroic moment, but rather turning it instead into an “All is lost!” moment with Derek believing they’re all doomed.
I wouldn't say the Dazzling Gleam's nearly as bad as the Dark Pulse, but if it works for you I'm definitely not complaining.
I thought it'd be interesting to have the arrival of the cavalry suck out all the heroism of the battle for Derek instead of the other way around. I think it's also consistent with the idea that harming yourself harms those close to you no matter how hard you try to control the circumstances.
Fortunately for Derek, the narrative arc doesn't solely belong to him and his life lessons, so there might be a chance for some heroism yet...
Yeah, it had come up before, and that's what I was talking about with there being too much in the story for all the threads to be fresh in people's minds by the end of the story. The last time Jason's story came up as the main focus was in Different Ways to Win, but I was hoping that there were enough reminders between then and now for it to work, also the fact that by now we know that this ability he sees as a cheap trick is something Krissy admired from the beginning and is what got her to join up with them in particular in the first place. I don't want to say his self-criticism fell unambiguously flat because I know it worked seriously well for at least one reader. But even though the stuff to make it work is there, it's my fault for setting the threshold for what readers have to remember/care about too high.-Very interesting how things tie together here a bit. We have Jason’s one unique quirk coming into play in a big way here. Can’t say I find his self-criticism all that impactful though. Yeah, the flashback chapters kind of brought those issues up, but Jason was relatively out of focus in the numbered chapters compared to Krissy and Travis. So the fact that just now we’re seeing him think this when, in reality, it had probably come up before but the audience never knew it, is a bit awkward. On the other hand, guy just tore some ligaments and that’s gotta hurt.
Yeah, everyone's decisions have been way too irresponsible to get an unambiguously happy ending yet. Fortunately, they still have Chapter 12 and an epilogue. :D-So, the battle ends in a hollow, bitter victory for our heroes. It seemed like that’s the way things were heading. But I will admit that out of all the characters, I did not expect Jason to end up as the casualty, so-to speak. So props for catching me off guard with that one.
Oh, but Travis saw the casualty coming, though! “Your arm’s gonna fall right off if you keep treating it like that.” I'm wondering if anyone caught that; probably not.
I think your wires are getting crossed. He's blaming himself for "giving up on Wyvern" twice: first when he spoke up and turned down Russo's offer for Krissy, and second when he called Hanna to get them out of the cell when they all knew that would mean leaving without the key, thus ending their attempt to save Wyvern.-Hmm, so Travis is questioning his initial actions. I probably would too with all the chaos that happened. But I don’t actually think he’d given up. Maybe I’m getting wires crossed. Did he try to convince everyone to teleport out or something and I missed that part?
"Finally breaks down" in a good way instead of a suicidal way, at least. I think it's strange how real he turned out, too. I haven't decided how much he told Jen and Hanna about what was going through his head during the fight, though.-Derek finally breaks down though, now that the adrenaline rush has worn off. Again, he continues to somehow come across as the most human, realistic one of the bunch. Which is strange, given of all of them he started off the least realistic with his bizarre-o undercover routine that I couldn’t quite pin down.
Most people who've chatted with me in the Discord won't find this surprising. >__>-Okay, this is gonna sound odd, but the way you talk about catching Pokémon makes me think of a pitcher tossing strikeouts and I’m entirely sure that’s what you were going for. ^^;
"This is black comedy" --> "This is touching" sounds like a good salvage-job on my part. In real life I can think of plenty of my own friendships that started for dumb, childish reasons but are still alive and well for very real reasons, so I'm glad something like that was recognizable in the story.-The ending tidbit with Jen trying to assure Jason that things would be okay and there’d be a way forward was very touching. And, I don’t exactly know how to phrase, but it’s cool to see that the kids’ friendship, which had sorta been built on really faulty grounds to begin with, is now cemented as something genuine. As far as character development goes, it’s on the subtle side. But I think it’s way more effective than some sort of super mega aesop. Especially considering they ARE kids, and thus still very fluid with regards to their personalities and behaviors.
She's doing a much better job of working on Travis's advice than Jason and Travis are doing of working on her advice. But they've got time.-Aww, look. Lucia’s becoming a gym Pokémon and getting flashy like we’re in the anime. How adorable! And Krissy’s working on the bit of advice that Travis gave to her.
LOL.Okay, wow, Jason. That line made me cringe so hard I wished I could punch a fictional character through the internet.Or is he emulating Derek and this is actually brilliant?
Anyway, he's not really emulating Derek because Derek watches his mouth around him most of the time. This is just puberty, and Jason's shaping up to be an obnoxious teenager, albeit one who's more genuine and honest with his friends than he was before.
Even internal job interviews and department-changes, which can be scary in their own right.-Glad to see things work out for Derek. Then again, when you face down death like that, suddenly job interviews don’t look all that scary.
Indeed, they're still ridiculous, which is what Jen and company wanted from them so yay. But yes, they're more cautious, and they're being ridiculous in a much more reasonable and age-appropriate way that's no more dangerous than regular Pokemon training.-Jason gets his license back and in some sort of “how far we’ve come” manner(?) it looks like the kids are going to go right back to the ridiculous. But judging my Krissy and Travis, it looks like they’re taking a far more cautious approach to travelling about this time. Also, it does tie in the Hubris Island flashback, which I wouldn’t have expected.
(Whew.) That was a lot of words about this stuff. Thank you so much for your review and for your valuable observations. Even if we don't completely agree on how to fix the problems, you're bringing a lot of very real issues to my attention and I appreciate that. (Don't hold your breath for a second draft, though.)
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