JX Valentine
Ever-Discordant
5th place: The War on Ft. Cherub by The Teller
Scoring
American--Pi: 5th place (10 points)
Dramatic Melody: 4th place (35 points)
[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]: 5th place (10 points)
JX Valentine: 4th place (35 points)
Total: 90 points
Reviews
American--Pi
I liked the way all the neighborhood kids love Pokemon and settle everything with Pokemon battles, because that was cute and realistic. The antics of the neighborhood kids were amusing, and I found myself laughing at some of the jokes in this fic, especially the one about everyone hating Team Valor. (Not that I have anything against Team Valor - I just find the anti-Team Valor jokes around the Internet to be somewhat amusing.) Depicting the feuds between the neighborhood kids as a fantasy/medieval battle for kingdom domination was a really nice idea. Even though I found it hard to believe that each Team had members with rhyming names, the way everyone's names rhymed with each other was funny so I willingly suspended my disbelief.
I can tell that you were really ambitious with your entry, trying to express what was going on in the kids' imaginations in parallel with what was happening in real life. However, your execution could use some work. The way your fic kept changing between real life and imagination made it feel rather disjointed as I read through it. Your fic reminded me of some recent Pokemon commercials, where kids would play Pokemon and imagine themselves to be surrounded by Pokemon. Unfortunately, while it was easy for me to figure out what you were trying to do, it was difficult to actually enjoy the fic the way I enjoyed the commercials. The main reason why this is the case is that, thanks to the constant switching between real and imaginary, it was hard for me to visualize the cool imagination things happening. I would just barely get a mental image of the fantasy setting when everything switched right back to reality.
The main issue with this fic is that you were trying to convey as a fic a story that would have worked so much better as a visual piece. I can imagine your fic working better as a commercial, with the real-life things such as the bicycles and the playground structures morphing into the imaginary things such as the stallions and the castle and then back into reality near the end of the work. But as a fic, the imagery kind of just fell flat. One reason is that children's imaginations, with their fantastic images, are really hard to capture through words. Another reason is, like I said before, the constant switching between real and imaginary.
Overall, I'd say that the premise of your fic was fun and interesting, and it could have worked really well if it was a film. However, as it stands, the constant switching between real and imaginary interrupted the flow of the story and made it harder for me to follow the plot.
Dramatic Melody
I rather enjoyed the playful and child-like nature of this story. It felt very true to what Pokemon GO promotes at its core - a sense of camarederie between the three teams. Of course, that's taken to the extreme in this story, but that's what makes it a more exciting read. From the bikes turned horses/robots/dinosaurs to the serious-slash-humorous staredowns, I thought you did great in capturing how GO must feel like to a younger player (or at least what it should feel like).
That child-like nature really showed its strength in how you describe the situation - I thought you conveyed how huge of a deal the gym is to both the Instinct and Mystic trio rather well, especially in the first few paragraphs leading up to the battle. The introduction of the Valor trio was handled nicely as well considering the project - Theo and his team really felt like the "bullies in the playground who don't play by the rules" type.
I just thought your battles could've been expanded on more. As it is, there was more focus on the commands rather than what was happening in the battle itself. Save for that last climactic face-off between the three legendary birds, the Pokemon felt rather static as I was reading what was happening between them in the battles.
I also wish we got more out of the characters other than the expected qualities of the three teams, but I'm not sure if that'll fit with the rest of the story considering how fast-paced it is. But I still wanted to bring this up though because by the ending, the impact of Instinct's victory was a bit softened by how I didn't really know what this meant for the three characters other than defending their team's honor. Idk, maybe I'm asking too much from it, but I felt like pointing it out since even an action-driven story could benefit from more solid characters.
But overall it was a nice story, and I thought it captured the energy of Pokemon GO rather well. Good job with it!
also YES TEAM INSTINCT FOR LIFEEEEE
[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]
So the concept here was to write this as if it were a commercial for Pokémon Go, which is an idea I really like. In a lot of ways, you pull it off really well. I like the color coordination, the name schemes, and the flashes of imagination-come-to-life. It’s the kind of ridiculous, unrealistically coincidental thing that could only be found in a commercial, and not only does your idea allow you go whole hog with those cheesier aspects, but using them actually helps push the idea of this being an ad even further and strengthens what you’re going for.
The commercial idea does come with a drawback, however. The pacing of the story is a bit too slow for that kind of ad since most people would be used to quick cuts and easily readable emotions. What you’ve given us instead is something relatively slow, especially in the beginning when the teams analyze each other with plenty of backstory, comparisons, and legendizing. The end result is something that just doesn’t quite work as a commercial.
On the flipside, once the battle starts, the pacing rockets forward and ends up almost too fast. The intensity of each attack and their effects on the environment or the suspense of the electrode’s explosion buildup are kind of swept away in a flurry of surface descriptions that keep the energy up but at the expense of impact. The ending has a similar problem. While I can appreciate the quick wrap-up suggesting that for all the imagined epic scale of the battle it really is just kids playing at the end of the day, in a way the rushed last paragraph doesn’t respect the struggles that came before it. It seems like the hard-won battle would deserve a slightly more memorable reflection. Basically, if you want this to work as a commercial, I think you need to skim some details off the slower parts. If you’d rather simply turn this into a story about kinds enjoying Pokémon Go, you might look into adding more detail to some parts, particularly the battle scenes. Personally I think the latter would be a better direction to take, but I like it either way!
There’s also an issue of predictability. There aren’t a lot of surprises here, and while that works for a commercial, as a piece of written fiction it’s a little less entertaining. “Good” triumphs over “evil” and the middle-ground third competitor falls respectfully to the wayside somewhere in the middle. It’s not a bad plot, and the general idea has been used often for a reason, but it played out here without so much as a wrinkle. Even the characters are painted pretty broadly, meaning that they too easily fit into hero, villain, and lesser-villain-who-teams-up-with-hero-to-defeat-greater-villain-villain without much subtlety beyond that. The victory’s just not quite as impactful as it should be as a result.
This story is a lot of fun, though. The imagination aspect lets things get as crazy as you need them to be, and despite the scarcity of detail, the central battle scene is honestly more ambitious in scale than what you see in a lot of stories. That being said, I do think you need just a bit of work on this one. It’s so close to being a real thrill, but a couple trip-ups keep it from reaching that full potential.
JX Valentine
To put it in the best way that I can (it just so happens that the best way is the blunt way), it took me a while to figure out what was going on here.
I mean, sure, at first, it looks like a bunch of kids engaging in pokémon battles with one another to dominate their local playground. That sounds straightforward enough. What wasn’t straightforward was the fact that this isn’t literal. This is, in other words, the story of a bunch of kids battling pokémon to dominate their playground … from the perspective of a kid who’s half-imagining what’s happening.
Backing up a bit, I have to admit I’ve noticed you had a certain style. A lot of your work focuses on humor and over-the-top imagery. If there’s action, it’s often dramatic (to comedic effect), yet the language you use doesn’t often convey a concrete enough image for a reader to grasp. For example, in this case, you use lines such as “Rio ran over to where Pat and Nicky were, and brutally beat Pat into the ground with a CP 1887 Magmar.” and “Articuno used Icy Wind, freezing some of the nearby forest solid,” which wander more towards simply telling a reader what’s going on, rather than showing by giving specific details as to what this all looked like. And in most other cases, I would bring this up as a weak point, but here … it actually works.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I still think you could tighten up your battles a little by being a bit more specific in your language use as I’ve noted in the above paragraph. But at the same time, I can also see why it would (and maybe even should) be a little vague: because a kid is telling this story. The playground isn’t literally getting destroyed, and the pokémon aren’t actually there. Instead, you have nine kids, running around with their cell phones, probably screaming at the tops of their lungs that they’re beating each other up. So sure, you could potentially get away with just saying Rio beat up Pat with a CP 1887 magmar … because that’s totally how a kid would phrase that. (I just think that, as a suggestion, you shouldn’t pass up any opportunity to add more fire and explosions and cool magmar moves.) Heck, even the abundance of simple sentences could be attributed to a kid narrator. (Why would a kid construct overly complex, flowery prose?)
So in that sense, it’s actually a little brilliant because, as an interpretation to the theme, it’s so difficult to see that line between reality and fantasy that it’s delightful. It captures that childlike imagination so well—so much so that I could clearly remember all the times I used to run around a playground with my own friends, pretending to be Power Rangers. (It is, in other words, a spot-on depiction of kids pretending to be something 100% fictional.) But at the same time, this is also why it’s so difficult to judge: because on the other hand, you also have things like friends’ names following the same scheme. The story is more than a little silly, so it’s hard to figure out whether the childlike narrator is actually intentional or not. And if it’s not, then I’ve just spent almost a page accidentally insulting you and your vision for your story, to which I apologize.
Other than that, though, your language could use some tightening up here or there. For example:
Should be “crumpled heap.”
And other points such as this (with quotes removed so you can see what I’m talking about)...
...can get a bit repetitive.
Additionally, some of your dependent clauses, such as the one here:
...can get a little bit confusing. In cases like these (there’s another one I can recall off the top of my head, wherein Nicky and Vicki ran up to Mickey), you interrupt a sentence to insert a dependent clause, then tack on the remainder of the sentence at the end. Not only is that jarring, but in these instances, it’s difficult to tell at first glance who the dependent clause is referring to. Sure, whatever comes after a comma typically refers to the first noun before it, but when the rest of the sentence is referring to the sentence’s subject, a reader’s first instinct is to assume that the clause is referring to the subject as well. That and, well, piling clauses on top of each other is never as smooth as getting all the way through an unbroken sentence, you know?
Oddly enough, though, a lot of the language issues here would probably be better resolved via working with a beta reader. They’re not necessarily the kinds of things you’d notice yourself until you can train yourself to step back and away from your own style and read your work as an objective reader should. (They’re not like spelling errors, in other words, and more like errors in structure, observable only from the outside.)
All in all, not to beat you over the head with this point, if you intended on this to be told from the perspective of a bunch of kids, it’s a fascinating take on how kids approach GO. If you didn’t intend on this to be told from a kid’s perspective, then I’d have to say the things that gave me this impression might be the weak points you’ll want to go back to and focus on. (Add more details to the battle to make it less infodumpy, for example, and maybe hold back on the silliness at the beginning. Maybe even throw in more of an indication that the kids are imagining this? Idk.)
Or long story short, if what you did was intentional, then this was a pretty cool fic that utilizes a really intriguing technique. It’s just that I’m not 100% sure that what you did was intentional because of some other stylistic choices you’ve made here, and that might not be a good thing.
Scoring
American--Pi: 5th place (10 points)
Dramatic Melody: 4th place (35 points)
[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]: 5th place (10 points)
JX Valentine: 4th place (35 points)
Total: 90 points
The War on Ft. Cherub
It was morning at Mickey's house. In fact, it was still night out. Mickey, Nicky, and Vicki all had their gear recharged, their emergency battery filled, and their night's rest. The day ahead was absent of responsibilities, of homework or family visits, of television or video games. The local park was their destination. Well, theirs, and six other children. The enemy. They had property that they owned, that they had to defend against invaders who would wish to claim it as their own. They couldn't let that happen. To defend what was rightfully theirs, they would get up at six in the morning, before the sun itself rose, on a rather chilly, summer day, to fight.
The three rode their bikes to the park. The neighborhood they biked past was quiet, too early for dogs to be barking, too early for lawn mowers to be revving, too early for the grownups to be leaving for their early morning jobs. Since Mickey's bike was yellow, he was automatically appointed the leader of the trio. A golden stallion, his was. Nicky and Vicki had attached yellow flags to their bikes. They were ornate banners, a mile high, piercing the dark with their brilliance, heralding the coming of the glorious Team Instinct. They arrived at the park and their horses reared back and neighed loudly, announcing to all that the rightful rulers of the Pokémon Gym had appeared.
The park had a sizably large fountain of a spitting cherub in the middle. It was always on, so even now, it was spitting a continuous stream of water. No wonder the intellectual Team Mystic wanted it so bad. But Team Instinct had taken it yesterday in a ferocious battle and they had no desire to have it change hands again. The Instinct trio approached the fountain and checked their phones. Yes, the fountain was still theirs. No one dishonest had tried an underhanded tactic such as coming in the middle of the night to steal the Gym away from them.
The sound of a bike bell rang. The ear-piercing screech of a deadly robot rang out across the land. As the sun started breeching the horizon, casting light upon the park, the trio looked over to the other end of the field, and saw the three Team Mystic children, Matt, Pat, and Kat, approach, each with their robotic servants carrying them. As members of Team Mystic, with their emphasis on knowledge and wisdom, it made logical sense that they would have their own robots. They didn't battle with them, of course. Everyone knew that the only way to do battle in this world was with a Pokémon battle.
The Mystic trio looked over at the fountain and saw their rivals standing there. They had been beaten to the punch. They had, of course, used their knowledge to figure out that coming early to the park was the best, logical way to gain the upper hand. They were surprised to see Team Instinct already there. They figured that the opposing team had used their gut instinct to figure to come to the park early in the morning. That must be it. Team Instinct always relies on their primal intuition to see things through. They were, at least, more manageable of a threat than the barbaric red team. The Mystic trio checked their phones to make sure that the mission was still on. Indeed, the fountain was painted yellow with disgust. THEY were Team Mystic, the rulers of water! How dare some upstart team steal what was rightfully theirs by design right out from underneath them! They couldn't get too angry though, lest they become more like the savage red team than they'd like. A simple analysis of what went wrong and how to correct it was all that was needed.
A stare down was initiated. Ever since Niantic implemented the new patch, allowing players to battle one another, and for kings of Gyms to defend their Gym, the nine soldiers were locked in a never-ending battle for supremacy. Today would be no different. Mickey locked eyes with Matt, who had a blue bike. His robot was the deadliest and most sophisticated of them all. Spikes came out from everywhere, and it was clearly a few feet taller than the other two robots. It could shoot lasers from its eyes if it really wanted to, was protected by a force field, had rocket fists, and could hack any computer on the planet, even the Pentagon's. Matt stared back at Mickey. His horse was the fastest horse alive. Legends have it that his horse can even shoot lightning out of its body, but no one has lived to tell the tale. It was a muscular beast, fiercely loyal to its master. The spirit of Zapdos, guardian deity of Team Instinct, hovered above the fountain, and the spirit of Articuno, guardian deity of Team Mystic, hovered above the invading force. Both legends let out the cry of war and the battle began.
"Cloyster, I choose you!" yelled Pat, throwing her Poké Ball first.
Out came a CP 1211 Cloyster, spikes at the ready, determined to freeze anything that came near it.
"Cloyster!"
"Electrode, you're up!" shouted Nicky, throwing her Poké Ball in retaliation.
And out came an upside down, CP 1100 Poké Ball, grinning maniacally, sparks already shooting from its body.
"Use Thunderbolt!"
"Use Aurora Beam!"
Two elemental forces struck one another in the middle of the battlefield, resulting in a huge explosion. Elsewhere, a new battle was taking hold.
"I choose Magneton!" said Vicki.
"Let's go with...Dewgong!" said Kat.
"Deeeewgong gong gong!"
"Use Ice Beam, Dewgong!"
"That's gonna do nothing. Magneton! Spark attack!"
The multitude of freezing ice attacks was making the already cold summer morning seem even colder. The dew felt like ice water.
Mickey climbed to the top of a playground slide, still within the fountain's radius.
"You'll never defeat Team Instinct and take the Gym!" he roared.
Matt ran up to the base of the castle fortress.
"The Gym was never yours to begin with! You stole it from us!" he yelled back.
"We freed it from your tyranny!"
"Give it back! I choose Blastoise!"
Matt was not taking any chances. He was going out guns blazing. Or in this case, CP 1639 cannons. He raced up the castle stairs after Mickey.
"Well I'll choose Raichu!"
"Rai!"
The patron saint of Team Instinct, favored by the holy prophet Sparky, Mickey's Raichu was one of his most prized possessions, boasting an impressive CP of 1599. True, it wasn't technically as strong as Matt's Blastoise, but the type advantage would do away with that power gap real quickly.
"Hydro Pump!"
"Thunder!"
Millions of volts erupted from Raichu, aimed straight at the two oncoming pillars of water coming its way. Mickey swiped left.
"Raichu, dodge!"
Raichu's electric attack collided with one of Blastoise's streams, stopping its advance, while it nimbly dodged the other stream. The second water attack flew past the Pokémon and right into the battlefield, creating a new crater in the land. A similar explosion happened just a few feet away, as one of Cloyster's attacks smacked against Electrode.
"E...elec..."
"Oh no! Electrode, use Explosion!" cried Nicky.
She was trying to take out her opponent with her, but Explosion was a special attack. Did she have enough time to charge it up?
"Cloyster, Icicle Spear!" yelled Pat.
Cloyster showered the Electrode with sharp, chilly chunks of ice. The Electrode fainted before it could get off its attack.
"Great work, Cloyster!"
"Cloy!"
Back at the castle, Mickey and Matt were now standing on top of a swinging wooden bridge. It was, naturally, suspended over a pit of lava. Each opponent was down to their last Pokémon. Mickey was nervous. Would their new land be taken away from them so quickly? What would his fellow team members think of him? They each pulled out their best Pokémon.
"Jolteon, let's go!"
"Vaporeon, let's do it!"
Out popped the two fabled Eeveelutions, the two pioneers of the game, strong against all, weak to none, both at CP 2000. This was to be the deciding battle!
"Awww...look at the babies play."
All eyes turned to the new voice. It belonged to none other than Theo, leader of Team Valor. With him were his two minions, Rio and Cleo. With all of them were their pet dinosaurs. More specifically, Rio and Cleo had velociraptors, whereas Theo wielded a frightening T-Rex. Since Theo had the red bike, he had the T-Rex. It just made sense that Valor members, those who desired power and glorified strength, would choose powerful dinosaurs as their mounts. The most powerful of the three groups had arrived.
"Take them before they can revive," ordered Theo.
Rio ran over to where Pat and Nicky were, and brutally beat Pat into the ground with a CP 1887 Magmar. Cleo went over to where Kat and Vicki were and savagely beat up Vicki, who was the one who had won their fight, with a CP 1910 Charizard. This was Theo's master plan. It didn't matter when they had arrived at the park, or who was in charge of the fountain when they arrived. They had the most powerful Pokémon around. Even if the opponent was at full strength, there was no beating Valor. They would crush any who would oppose them with sheer might. They had the all-powerful Moltres on their side, after all. And if they chose to arrive late to the party, then all the better. As Theo had predicted, everyone else had already battled and wore each other down. There would be no one to oppose the mighty Team Valor from swooping in, kicking everyone's butts, and taking the Gym for themselves.
Mickey and Matt looked on in dread. All of their friends had been defeated. They had been tricked, by brutes, no less! As much as they disliked each other, NO ONE liked Team Valor. They took the fun out of everything. So, silently, Mickey and Matt decided to call a temporary truce with one another and fight together against the menace that was Team Valor.
"You're not getting anything, Valor!" shouted Mickey.
"You guys stink!" yelled Matt.
"Oh yeah?" called out Theo. "Why don't you come on down and say that?"
Mickey and Matt leapt down from the bridge and walked up to Theo. The three had a staring contest before Theo broke the silence.
"I can beat BOTH of you with one arm tied behind my back!"
He whipped out his cell phone.
"Moltres, I choose you!"
And suddenly the chilly summer morning wasn't so chilly anymore. The air grew muggy and the trees surrounding the area burst into flames as the flaming red Legendary Bird of Fire burst out of its Cherish Ball, screeching a high pitch as it declared mortal combat on all it saw.
"Shock it, Zapdos!"
From within the ruby red Cherish Ball came the golden yellow Legendary Bird of Thunder. The air filled with electricity, hair stood on end, and the sky darkened, harkening the storm of the century. At a glance, Zapdos could strike down any foe, quick as lightning.
"Take it down, Articuno!"
The seal on the mystical Cherish Ball was broken and thus was released the chilling end to all living things. When the universe draws its last breath, all of existence will freeze, and the mind will only take with it to the afterlife the terrifying sensation of a never-ending coldness. The impartial Legendary Bird of Ice embodies this coldness, and all that dare to stand against it will be reminded of this sensation for the rest of their days.
The three leaders had received their birds from a distribution event, as had everyone on the playground today, but it was only fitting that the leaders would use them in battle. It helped that all three had trained their birds to be at an incredibly high level. The three leaders continued their stare down, waiting for someone to make the first move. They gripped their cell phones tightly in anticipation. Off in the distance, the clock tower chimed the arrival of the new hour.
The three boys broke off to find cover.
"Moltres, use Flamethrower on Articuno!"
"Dodge it!"
"Thunderbolt on Moltres!"
"Sky Attack!"
"No fair! You can't gang up on me! Use Fire Blast!"
It was a flurry of commands and absolute chaos on the battlefield as the three titans duked it out for supremacy. Moltres spat a fire tornado at Articuno, its master taking full advantage of the type mismatch. Matt ducked beneath one of the slides and swiped. Articuno nimbly dodged the oncoming attack and its wings glowed white, preparing for a counterattack. Zapdos swooped in close to Moltres, firing off a bout of electricity, as Mickey climbed to the top of the monkey bars. The Thunderbolt attack hit Moltres dead on and it cried out in pain. However, it wasn't nearly enough to bring the fiery bird down. Theo hopped from the springy rides to the rope ladder, inching slowly towards the castle. Moltres flew around in a circle before firing off another volley of flames at Articuno, this time hitting it. Articuno yelped in pain as it was engulfed in the flames.
"He's making his way for the castle!" yelled Mickey.
"We can't let him in!" yelled Matt.
"Go, Theo, go!" shouted Rio.
"Do it for Team Valor!" shouted Cleo.
"Go, go, go!" yelled Vicky.
"Win for Team Mystic!" shouted Kat.
All the children were shouting encouragement to their trusted leaders. Moltres used a fire attack and destroyed parts of the playground, causing much of it to explode in a glorious fireball. Zapdos threw lightning everywhere, leaving scorch marks all over the battlefield. Articuno used Icy Wind, freezing some of the nearby forest solid. The battle was spinning out of control. Commands were being issues left, right, and center, the leaders slowly making their way towards the castle, and the three deities were attacking the area around them as much as they were trying to attack each other.
"Flamethrower!"
Articuno was hit yet again, and this time it was too much.
"Articuno, no!" yelled Matt, watching helplessly as his best Pokémon was shot out of the sky, falling to a heaped crumble on the ground. Team Mystic would not win this day.
"One loser down, one to go!" said Theo, experiencing a personal high as he was one step closer to taking it all.
Theo and Mickey met at the castle at the same time.
"This castle's mine!" said Mickey.
"Well I'm taking it!" replied Theo.
Both of their Pokémon were very tired. Any strong attack would be enough to bowl them over.
"Moltres, use Fire Blast!"
"Zapdos, use Thunder!"
And in a climatic move, Moltres sheathed itself in fire and Zapdos in lightning, and the two titans flew at each other, each bellowing a ferocious cry. As the two collided, there was a blinding explosion. It was as if the whole sky had been lit by a ceiling light from heaven. The explosion could be seen from hundreds of miles away. Shockwaves were sent down on all the soldiers on the field, all of whom had to shield themselves in order not to be blown away from the sheer force of it all. When the dust settled, everyone looked up into the sky to see who had won. Theo and Mickey checked their phones. The crackle of electricity and the sudden coolness was accompanied by the sight of Zapdos still flying majestically in the air, and Moltres' form lying on the ground next to the fountain.
"YES!" cheered the valiant warriors of Team Instinct.
"Nooo! Moltres!" shouted Theo.
"We lost!" said Rio and Cleo.
The members of Team Mystic had sulked off, living to fight another day.
Nicky and Vicki ran up to Mickey, giddy at their victory, congratulating him. The Poké Gym was safe again in the hands of Team Instinct, and they would continue guarding it against any invaders. Their horses neighed triumphantly as the members high-fived. Yes, the fountain was once again safe...for today. But tomorrow is another day.
It was morning at Mickey's house. In fact, it was still night out. Mickey, Nicky, and Vicki all had their gear recharged, their emergency battery filled, and their night's rest. The day ahead was absent of responsibilities, of homework or family visits, of television or video games. The local park was their destination. Well, theirs, and six other children. The enemy. They had property that they owned, that they had to defend against invaders who would wish to claim it as their own. They couldn't let that happen. To defend what was rightfully theirs, they would get up at six in the morning, before the sun itself rose, on a rather chilly, summer day, to fight.
The three rode their bikes to the park. The neighborhood they biked past was quiet, too early for dogs to be barking, too early for lawn mowers to be revving, too early for the grownups to be leaving for their early morning jobs. Since Mickey's bike was yellow, he was automatically appointed the leader of the trio. A golden stallion, his was. Nicky and Vicki had attached yellow flags to their bikes. They were ornate banners, a mile high, piercing the dark with their brilliance, heralding the coming of the glorious Team Instinct. They arrived at the park and their horses reared back and neighed loudly, announcing to all that the rightful rulers of the Pokémon Gym had appeared.
The park had a sizably large fountain of a spitting cherub in the middle. It was always on, so even now, it was spitting a continuous stream of water. No wonder the intellectual Team Mystic wanted it so bad. But Team Instinct had taken it yesterday in a ferocious battle and they had no desire to have it change hands again. The Instinct trio approached the fountain and checked their phones. Yes, the fountain was still theirs. No one dishonest had tried an underhanded tactic such as coming in the middle of the night to steal the Gym away from them.
The sound of a bike bell rang. The ear-piercing screech of a deadly robot rang out across the land. As the sun started breeching the horizon, casting light upon the park, the trio looked over to the other end of the field, and saw the three Team Mystic children, Matt, Pat, and Kat, approach, each with their robotic servants carrying them. As members of Team Mystic, with their emphasis on knowledge and wisdom, it made logical sense that they would have their own robots. They didn't battle with them, of course. Everyone knew that the only way to do battle in this world was with a Pokémon battle.
The Mystic trio looked over at the fountain and saw their rivals standing there. They had been beaten to the punch. They had, of course, used their knowledge to figure out that coming early to the park was the best, logical way to gain the upper hand. They were surprised to see Team Instinct already there. They figured that the opposing team had used their gut instinct to figure to come to the park early in the morning. That must be it. Team Instinct always relies on their primal intuition to see things through. They were, at least, more manageable of a threat than the barbaric red team. The Mystic trio checked their phones to make sure that the mission was still on. Indeed, the fountain was painted yellow with disgust. THEY were Team Mystic, the rulers of water! How dare some upstart team steal what was rightfully theirs by design right out from underneath them! They couldn't get too angry though, lest they become more like the savage red team than they'd like. A simple analysis of what went wrong and how to correct it was all that was needed.
A stare down was initiated. Ever since Niantic implemented the new patch, allowing players to battle one another, and for kings of Gyms to defend their Gym, the nine soldiers were locked in a never-ending battle for supremacy. Today would be no different. Mickey locked eyes with Matt, who had a blue bike. His robot was the deadliest and most sophisticated of them all. Spikes came out from everywhere, and it was clearly a few feet taller than the other two robots. It could shoot lasers from its eyes if it really wanted to, was protected by a force field, had rocket fists, and could hack any computer on the planet, even the Pentagon's. Matt stared back at Mickey. His horse was the fastest horse alive. Legends have it that his horse can even shoot lightning out of its body, but no one has lived to tell the tale. It was a muscular beast, fiercely loyal to its master. The spirit of Zapdos, guardian deity of Team Instinct, hovered above the fountain, and the spirit of Articuno, guardian deity of Team Mystic, hovered above the invading force. Both legends let out the cry of war and the battle began.
"Cloyster, I choose you!" yelled Pat, throwing her Poké Ball first.
Out came a CP 1211 Cloyster, spikes at the ready, determined to freeze anything that came near it.
"Cloyster!"
"Electrode, you're up!" shouted Nicky, throwing her Poké Ball in retaliation.
And out came an upside down, CP 1100 Poké Ball, grinning maniacally, sparks already shooting from its body.
"Use Thunderbolt!"
"Use Aurora Beam!"
Two elemental forces struck one another in the middle of the battlefield, resulting in a huge explosion. Elsewhere, a new battle was taking hold.
"I choose Magneton!" said Vicki.
"Let's go with...Dewgong!" said Kat.
"Deeeewgong gong gong!"
"Use Ice Beam, Dewgong!"
"That's gonna do nothing. Magneton! Spark attack!"
The multitude of freezing ice attacks was making the already cold summer morning seem even colder. The dew felt like ice water.
Mickey climbed to the top of a playground slide, still within the fountain's radius.
"You'll never defeat Team Instinct and take the Gym!" he roared.
Matt ran up to the base of the castle fortress.
"The Gym was never yours to begin with! You stole it from us!" he yelled back.
"We freed it from your tyranny!"
"Give it back! I choose Blastoise!"
Matt was not taking any chances. He was going out guns blazing. Or in this case, CP 1639 cannons. He raced up the castle stairs after Mickey.
"Well I'll choose Raichu!"
"Rai!"
The patron saint of Team Instinct, favored by the holy prophet Sparky, Mickey's Raichu was one of his most prized possessions, boasting an impressive CP of 1599. True, it wasn't technically as strong as Matt's Blastoise, but the type advantage would do away with that power gap real quickly.
"Hydro Pump!"
"Thunder!"
Millions of volts erupted from Raichu, aimed straight at the two oncoming pillars of water coming its way. Mickey swiped left.
"Raichu, dodge!"
Raichu's electric attack collided with one of Blastoise's streams, stopping its advance, while it nimbly dodged the other stream. The second water attack flew past the Pokémon and right into the battlefield, creating a new crater in the land. A similar explosion happened just a few feet away, as one of Cloyster's attacks smacked against Electrode.
"E...elec..."
"Oh no! Electrode, use Explosion!" cried Nicky.
She was trying to take out her opponent with her, but Explosion was a special attack. Did she have enough time to charge it up?
"Cloyster, Icicle Spear!" yelled Pat.
Cloyster showered the Electrode with sharp, chilly chunks of ice. The Electrode fainted before it could get off its attack.
"Great work, Cloyster!"
"Cloy!"
Back at the castle, Mickey and Matt were now standing on top of a swinging wooden bridge. It was, naturally, suspended over a pit of lava. Each opponent was down to their last Pokémon. Mickey was nervous. Would their new land be taken away from them so quickly? What would his fellow team members think of him? They each pulled out their best Pokémon.
"Jolteon, let's go!"
"Vaporeon, let's do it!"
Out popped the two fabled Eeveelutions, the two pioneers of the game, strong against all, weak to none, both at CP 2000. This was to be the deciding battle!
"Awww...look at the babies play."
All eyes turned to the new voice. It belonged to none other than Theo, leader of Team Valor. With him were his two minions, Rio and Cleo. With all of them were their pet dinosaurs. More specifically, Rio and Cleo had velociraptors, whereas Theo wielded a frightening T-Rex. Since Theo had the red bike, he had the T-Rex. It just made sense that Valor members, those who desired power and glorified strength, would choose powerful dinosaurs as their mounts. The most powerful of the three groups had arrived.
"Take them before they can revive," ordered Theo.
Rio ran over to where Pat and Nicky were, and brutally beat Pat into the ground with a CP 1887 Magmar. Cleo went over to where Kat and Vicki were and savagely beat up Vicki, who was the one who had won their fight, with a CP 1910 Charizard. This was Theo's master plan. It didn't matter when they had arrived at the park, or who was in charge of the fountain when they arrived. They had the most powerful Pokémon around. Even if the opponent was at full strength, there was no beating Valor. They would crush any who would oppose them with sheer might. They had the all-powerful Moltres on their side, after all. And if they chose to arrive late to the party, then all the better. As Theo had predicted, everyone else had already battled and wore each other down. There would be no one to oppose the mighty Team Valor from swooping in, kicking everyone's butts, and taking the Gym for themselves.
Mickey and Matt looked on in dread. All of their friends had been defeated. They had been tricked, by brutes, no less! As much as they disliked each other, NO ONE liked Team Valor. They took the fun out of everything. So, silently, Mickey and Matt decided to call a temporary truce with one another and fight together against the menace that was Team Valor.
"You're not getting anything, Valor!" shouted Mickey.
"You guys stink!" yelled Matt.
"Oh yeah?" called out Theo. "Why don't you come on down and say that?"
Mickey and Matt leapt down from the bridge and walked up to Theo. The three had a staring contest before Theo broke the silence.
"I can beat BOTH of you with one arm tied behind my back!"
He whipped out his cell phone.
"Moltres, I choose you!"
And suddenly the chilly summer morning wasn't so chilly anymore. The air grew muggy and the trees surrounding the area burst into flames as the flaming red Legendary Bird of Fire burst out of its Cherish Ball, screeching a high pitch as it declared mortal combat on all it saw.
"Shock it, Zapdos!"
From within the ruby red Cherish Ball came the golden yellow Legendary Bird of Thunder. The air filled with electricity, hair stood on end, and the sky darkened, harkening the storm of the century. At a glance, Zapdos could strike down any foe, quick as lightning.
"Take it down, Articuno!"
The seal on the mystical Cherish Ball was broken and thus was released the chilling end to all living things. When the universe draws its last breath, all of existence will freeze, and the mind will only take with it to the afterlife the terrifying sensation of a never-ending coldness. The impartial Legendary Bird of Ice embodies this coldness, and all that dare to stand against it will be reminded of this sensation for the rest of their days.
The three leaders had received their birds from a distribution event, as had everyone on the playground today, but it was only fitting that the leaders would use them in battle. It helped that all three had trained their birds to be at an incredibly high level. The three leaders continued their stare down, waiting for someone to make the first move. They gripped their cell phones tightly in anticipation. Off in the distance, the clock tower chimed the arrival of the new hour.
The three boys broke off to find cover.
"Moltres, use Flamethrower on Articuno!"
"Dodge it!"
"Thunderbolt on Moltres!"
"Sky Attack!"
"No fair! You can't gang up on me! Use Fire Blast!"
It was a flurry of commands and absolute chaos on the battlefield as the three titans duked it out for supremacy. Moltres spat a fire tornado at Articuno, its master taking full advantage of the type mismatch. Matt ducked beneath one of the slides and swiped. Articuno nimbly dodged the oncoming attack and its wings glowed white, preparing for a counterattack. Zapdos swooped in close to Moltres, firing off a bout of electricity, as Mickey climbed to the top of the monkey bars. The Thunderbolt attack hit Moltres dead on and it cried out in pain. However, it wasn't nearly enough to bring the fiery bird down. Theo hopped from the springy rides to the rope ladder, inching slowly towards the castle. Moltres flew around in a circle before firing off another volley of flames at Articuno, this time hitting it. Articuno yelped in pain as it was engulfed in the flames.
"He's making his way for the castle!" yelled Mickey.
"We can't let him in!" yelled Matt.
"Go, Theo, go!" shouted Rio.
"Do it for Team Valor!" shouted Cleo.
"Go, go, go!" yelled Vicky.
"Win for Team Mystic!" shouted Kat.
All the children were shouting encouragement to their trusted leaders. Moltres used a fire attack and destroyed parts of the playground, causing much of it to explode in a glorious fireball. Zapdos threw lightning everywhere, leaving scorch marks all over the battlefield. Articuno used Icy Wind, freezing some of the nearby forest solid. The battle was spinning out of control. Commands were being issues left, right, and center, the leaders slowly making their way towards the castle, and the three deities were attacking the area around them as much as they were trying to attack each other.
"Flamethrower!"
Articuno was hit yet again, and this time it was too much.
"Articuno, no!" yelled Matt, watching helplessly as his best Pokémon was shot out of the sky, falling to a heaped crumble on the ground. Team Mystic would not win this day.
"One loser down, one to go!" said Theo, experiencing a personal high as he was one step closer to taking it all.
Theo and Mickey met at the castle at the same time.
"This castle's mine!" said Mickey.
"Well I'm taking it!" replied Theo.
Both of their Pokémon were very tired. Any strong attack would be enough to bowl them over.
"Moltres, use Fire Blast!"
"Zapdos, use Thunder!"
And in a climatic move, Moltres sheathed itself in fire and Zapdos in lightning, and the two titans flew at each other, each bellowing a ferocious cry. As the two collided, there was a blinding explosion. It was as if the whole sky had been lit by a ceiling light from heaven. The explosion could be seen from hundreds of miles away. Shockwaves were sent down on all the soldiers on the field, all of whom had to shield themselves in order not to be blown away from the sheer force of it all. When the dust settled, everyone looked up into the sky to see who had won. Theo and Mickey checked their phones. The crackle of electricity and the sudden coolness was accompanied by the sight of Zapdos still flying majestically in the air, and Moltres' form lying on the ground next to the fountain.
"YES!" cheered the valiant warriors of Team Instinct.
"Nooo! Moltres!" shouted Theo.
"We lost!" said Rio and Cleo.
The members of Team Mystic had sulked off, living to fight another day.
Nicky and Vicki ran up to Mickey, giddy at their victory, congratulating him. The Poké Gym was safe again in the hands of Team Instinct, and they would continue guarding it against any invaders. Their horses neighed triumphantly as the members high-fived. Yes, the fountain was once again safe...for today. But tomorrow is another day.
Reviews
American--Pi
I liked the way all the neighborhood kids love Pokemon and settle everything with Pokemon battles, because that was cute and realistic. The antics of the neighborhood kids were amusing, and I found myself laughing at some of the jokes in this fic, especially the one about everyone hating Team Valor. (Not that I have anything against Team Valor - I just find the anti-Team Valor jokes around the Internet to be somewhat amusing.) Depicting the feuds between the neighborhood kids as a fantasy/medieval battle for kingdom domination was a really nice idea. Even though I found it hard to believe that each Team had members with rhyming names, the way everyone's names rhymed with each other was funny so I willingly suspended my disbelief.
I can tell that you were really ambitious with your entry, trying to express what was going on in the kids' imaginations in parallel with what was happening in real life. However, your execution could use some work. The way your fic kept changing between real life and imagination made it feel rather disjointed as I read through it. Your fic reminded me of some recent Pokemon commercials, where kids would play Pokemon and imagine themselves to be surrounded by Pokemon. Unfortunately, while it was easy for me to figure out what you were trying to do, it was difficult to actually enjoy the fic the way I enjoyed the commercials. The main reason why this is the case is that, thanks to the constant switching between real and imaginary, it was hard for me to visualize the cool imagination things happening. I would just barely get a mental image of the fantasy setting when everything switched right back to reality.
The main issue with this fic is that you were trying to convey as a fic a story that would have worked so much better as a visual piece. I can imagine your fic working better as a commercial, with the real-life things such as the bicycles and the playground structures morphing into the imaginary things such as the stallions and the castle and then back into reality near the end of the work. But as a fic, the imagery kind of just fell flat. One reason is that children's imaginations, with their fantastic images, are really hard to capture through words. Another reason is, like I said before, the constant switching between real and imaginary.
Overall, I'd say that the premise of your fic was fun and interesting, and it could have worked really well if it was a film. However, as it stands, the constant switching between real and imaginary interrupted the flow of the story and made it harder for me to follow the plot.
Dramatic Melody
I rather enjoyed the playful and child-like nature of this story. It felt very true to what Pokemon GO promotes at its core - a sense of camarederie between the three teams. Of course, that's taken to the extreme in this story, but that's what makes it a more exciting read. From the bikes turned horses/robots/dinosaurs to the serious-slash-humorous staredowns, I thought you did great in capturing how GO must feel like to a younger player (or at least what it should feel like).
That child-like nature really showed its strength in how you describe the situation - I thought you conveyed how huge of a deal the gym is to both the Instinct and Mystic trio rather well, especially in the first few paragraphs leading up to the battle. The introduction of the Valor trio was handled nicely as well considering the project - Theo and his team really felt like the "bullies in the playground who don't play by the rules" type.
I just thought your battles could've been expanded on more. As it is, there was more focus on the commands rather than what was happening in the battle itself. Save for that last climactic face-off between the three legendary birds, the Pokemon felt rather static as I was reading what was happening between them in the battles.
I also wish we got more out of the characters other than the expected qualities of the three teams, but I'm not sure if that'll fit with the rest of the story considering how fast-paced it is. But I still wanted to bring this up though because by the ending, the impact of Instinct's victory was a bit softened by how I didn't really know what this meant for the three characters other than defending their team's honor. Idk, maybe I'm asking too much from it, but I felt like pointing it out since even an action-driven story could benefit from more solid characters.
But overall it was a nice story, and I thought it captured the energy of Pokemon GO rather well. Good job with it!
[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]
So the concept here was to write this as if it were a commercial for Pokémon Go, which is an idea I really like. In a lot of ways, you pull it off really well. I like the color coordination, the name schemes, and the flashes of imagination-come-to-life. It’s the kind of ridiculous, unrealistically coincidental thing that could only be found in a commercial, and not only does your idea allow you go whole hog with those cheesier aspects, but using them actually helps push the idea of this being an ad even further and strengthens what you’re going for.
The commercial idea does come with a drawback, however. The pacing of the story is a bit too slow for that kind of ad since most people would be used to quick cuts and easily readable emotions. What you’ve given us instead is something relatively slow, especially in the beginning when the teams analyze each other with plenty of backstory, comparisons, and legendizing. The end result is something that just doesn’t quite work as a commercial.
On the flipside, once the battle starts, the pacing rockets forward and ends up almost too fast. The intensity of each attack and their effects on the environment or the suspense of the electrode’s explosion buildup are kind of swept away in a flurry of surface descriptions that keep the energy up but at the expense of impact. The ending has a similar problem. While I can appreciate the quick wrap-up suggesting that for all the imagined epic scale of the battle it really is just kids playing at the end of the day, in a way the rushed last paragraph doesn’t respect the struggles that came before it. It seems like the hard-won battle would deserve a slightly more memorable reflection. Basically, if you want this to work as a commercial, I think you need to skim some details off the slower parts. If you’d rather simply turn this into a story about kinds enjoying Pokémon Go, you might look into adding more detail to some parts, particularly the battle scenes. Personally I think the latter would be a better direction to take, but I like it either way!
There’s also an issue of predictability. There aren’t a lot of surprises here, and while that works for a commercial, as a piece of written fiction it’s a little less entertaining. “Good” triumphs over “evil” and the middle-ground third competitor falls respectfully to the wayside somewhere in the middle. It’s not a bad plot, and the general idea has been used often for a reason, but it played out here without so much as a wrinkle. Even the characters are painted pretty broadly, meaning that they too easily fit into hero, villain, and lesser-villain-who-teams-up-with-hero-to-defeat-greater-villain-villain without much subtlety beyond that. The victory’s just not quite as impactful as it should be as a result.
This story is a lot of fun, though. The imagination aspect lets things get as crazy as you need them to be, and despite the scarcity of detail, the central battle scene is honestly more ambitious in scale than what you see in a lot of stories. That being said, I do think you need just a bit of work on this one. It’s so close to being a real thrill, but a couple trip-ups keep it from reaching that full potential.
JX Valentine
To put it in the best way that I can (it just so happens that the best way is the blunt way), it took me a while to figure out what was going on here.
I mean, sure, at first, it looks like a bunch of kids engaging in pokémon battles with one another to dominate their local playground. That sounds straightforward enough. What wasn’t straightforward was the fact that this isn’t literal. This is, in other words, the story of a bunch of kids battling pokémon to dominate their playground … from the perspective of a kid who’s half-imagining what’s happening.
Backing up a bit, I have to admit I’ve noticed you had a certain style. A lot of your work focuses on humor and over-the-top imagery. If there’s action, it’s often dramatic (to comedic effect), yet the language you use doesn’t often convey a concrete enough image for a reader to grasp. For example, in this case, you use lines such as “Rio ran over to where Pat and Nicky were, and brutally beat Pat into the ground with a CP 1887 Magmar.” and “Articuno used Icy Wind, freezing some of the nearby forest solid,” which wander more towards simply telling a reader what’s going on, rather than showing by giving specific details as to what this all looked like. And in most other cases, I would bring this up as a weak point, but here … it actually works.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I still think you could tighten up your battles a little by being a bit more specific in your language use as I’ve noted in the above paragraph. But at the same time, I can also see why it would (and maybe even should) be a little vague: because a kid is telling this story. The playground isn’t literally getting destroyed, and the pokémon aren’t actually there. Instead, you have nine kids, running around with their cell phones, probably screaming at the tops of their lungs that they’re beating each other up. So sure, you could potentially get away with just saying Rio beat up Pat with a CP 1887 magmar … because that’s totally how a kid would phrase that. (I just think that, as a suggestion, you shouldn’t pass up any opportunity to add more fire and explosions and cool magmar moves.) Heck, even the abundance of simple sentences could be attributed to a kid narrator. (Why would a kid construct overly complex, flowery prose?)
So in that sense, it’s actually a little brilliant because, as an interpretation to the theme, it’s so difficult to see that line between reality and fantasy that it’s delightful. It captures that childlike imagination so well—so much so that I could clearly remember all the times I used to run around a playground with my own friends, pretending to be Power Rangers. (It is, in other words, a spot-on depiction of kids pretending to be something 100% fictional.) But at the same time, this is also why it’s so difficult to judge: because on the other hand, you also have things like friends’ names following the same scheme. The story is more than a little silly, so it’s hard to figure out whether the childlike narrator is actually intentional or not. And if it’s not, then I’ve just spent almost a page accidentally insulting you and your vision for your story, to which I apologize.
Other than that, though, your language could use some tightening up here or there. For example:
Should be “crumpled heap.”
And other points such as this (with quotes removed so you can see what I’m talking about)...
...can get a bit repetitive.
Additionally, some of your dependent clauses, such as the one here:
...can get a little bit confusing. In cases like these (there’s another one I can recall off the top of my head, wherein Nicky and Vicki ran up to Mickey), you interrupt a sentence to insert a dependent clause, then tack on the remainder of the sentence at the end. Not only is that jarring, but in these instances, it’s difficult to tell at first glance who the dependent clause is referring to. Sure, whatever comes after a comma typically refers to the first noun before it, but when the rest of the sentence is referring to the sentence’s subject, a reader’s first instinct is to assume that the clause is referring to the subject as well. That and, well, piling clauses on top of each other is never as smooth as getting all the way through an unbroken sentence, you know?
Oddly enough, though, a lot of the language issues here would probably be better resolved via working with a beta reader. They’re not necessarily the kinds of things you’d notice yourself until you can train yourself to step back and away from your own style and read your work as an objective reader should. (They’re not like spelling errors, in other words, and more like errors in structure, observable only from the outside.)
All in all, not to beat you over the head with this point, if you intended on this to be told from the perspective of a bunch of kids, it’s a fascinating take on how kids approach GO. If you didn’t intend on this to be told from a kid’s perspective, then I’d have to say the things that gave me this impression might be the weak points you’ll want to go back to and focus on. (Add more details to the battle to make it less infodumpy, for example, and maybe hold back on the silliness at the beginning. Maybe even throw in more of an indication that the kids are imagining this? Idk.)
Or long story short, if what you did was intentional, then this was a pretty cool fic that utilizes a really intriguing technique. It’s just that I’m not 100% sure that what you did was intentional because of some other stylistic choices you’ve made here, and that might not be a good thing.
