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Yes - May and Drew in Johto (PG-13)

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Hey all, TurtwigFan1 here!

Now everyone, don't worry, The Moonshine Explorers is still on, I'm just doing this fic as well! Also, '*****' means a scene change.

Here are May and Drew:

CustomMay.png


CustomDrew.png


Credits to CelestialAura!

It's about May and Drew's second travels in the Johto region, so here it is:

Yes - Prologue

“Ah. Smell that fresh sea air!” cried May Maple, a Pokémon co-ordinator, on a boat to New Bark Town in Johto. May was 15 years old, with long brown hair, in her trademark upside-down ‘V’ shape. She was wearing a yellow bandana with a white Poké Ball symbol on it. She was wearing a yellow jacket with an orange T-shirt. She was also wearing a pink skirt and orange leggings. She wore pink socks and yellow lace-up sneakers.

“Blaze-blaziken!” came the voice of May’s Blaziken, a tall, humanoid, red Pokémon. It’s red legs ended in yellow ankles and feet. He had two long red arms with grey claws for hands. He also had a red face and beak with long white ‘hair’ extended from his head, down his back and on his chest.

“Lax-munchlax!” said May’s Munchlax, a dark blue humanoid Pokémon. It had large yellow feet with three white claws. It’s dark blue body extended down to the floor and Munchlax’s arms were short. His mouth was low down on his head, surrounded by a yellow section, which went down to his chest in a circle. Above his mouth were his large eyes and his large pointy ears.

“Glaceon!” cried May’s Glaceon, a quite short, light blue Pokémon on all fours. It had a light blue tail that ended in a dark blue diamond. Her four light blue legs ended in dark blue paws. Her light blue back had a dark blue diamond on it and her face housed two dark eyes and a small nose and mouth. She had two diamond-shaped, light blue ears with dark blue diamonds inside. On her head, above her eyes, were three dark blue triangles with two limb-like appendages extended from the triangles. These appendages ended in even darker blue diamonds.

“Hi guys, did you find Drew?” asked May excitedly. All of the Pokémon nodded happily.

“Yeah! Come on, let’s go!” cheered May, putting her right hand in the air.

May’s Pokémon ran off down the outside deck and followed her Pokémon inside. Inside, the carpet was a deep red and the walls were a shining gold. Blaziken, Munchlax and Glaceon had already starting running to Drew, so May barely saw the surroundings of the boat. On the way to Drew, May passed a set of elevators and a place where you could get your photo took with your Pokémon. May’s three Pokémon suddenly stopped in front of a door with a sign that read ‘Executive Suite’.

“He sure is fancy, huh?” joked May, knocking on the suite.

“Come in, the door’s open,” came a very familiar voice. May entered the room and saw her friend Drew, also 15, sitting on a purple sofa. Drew had shortish green hair and shining green eyes. He was wearing a dark blue jacket and a purple T-shirt. He wore dark blue jeans and black sneakers. His Roserade, his favourite Pokémon and best friend, was sitting next to him. Roserade had yellow-green feet with light green legs and a light green tummy. It’s light green arms ended in two bouquets, one had red flowers and the other had blue. She had a dark green cape and a yellow-green necklace. Her head was dark green with a light green mouth. Her eyes were a beautiful red and on top of her head were gorgeous white petals, giving the illusion of hair.

“May!” shouted Drew happily, going over to a small drawer.

“Rose-rade!” cried Roserade, happy to see May and her Pokémon.

Drew reached inside the drawer and took out a rose, about his 500th he’d given to May.

“Here you go May,” said Drew, slightly blushing. May took the rose and placed it in her jacket pocket, also blushing.

“Thanks Drew, I can’t wait until we get to Johto, there’s a contest in New Bark Town!” said May happily.

“Yeah, I’ll totally win my 1st ribbon!” said Drew.

“Modest as usual,” said May, slightly impressed but not showing it.

“Wanna have a practice battle?” asked Drew.

“Yeah! We’ll use one Pokémon each!” said May.

*****​

The pair moved to the front of the ship, where three battlefields where situated. May and Drew picked the middle field.

“Alright then, go Roserade!” said Drew, telling Roserade to battle.

“Blaziken, get out there!” said May, telling Blaziken to battle.

“Let me set my Pokétch to time us! Five minutes on the clock, now!” said Drew, setting the timer on his blue Pokétch.

“Alright then Blaziken, use Blaze Kick!” ordered May.

Blaziken jumped in the air and bright red flames surrounded his right foot. He started to descend onto Roserade and he hit her with great beauty and grace.

“Roserade, are you okay,” asked Drew, with Roserade nodding, “Good, use Weather Ball!” cried Drew.

Roserade jumped in the air, in a similar fashion to Blaziken, and lifted up her arms. A large white ball appeared in between Roserade’s two bouquets. May gasped, as the ball suddenly became a fiery orange. Roserade shot the ball at Blaziken.

“Blaziken dodge it!” cried May.

Blaziken jumped about 5 feet to the right, but Roserade made the Weather Ball shift to the right and it hit Blaziken, creating a fiery inferno.

“Blazi-!” cried May, interrupted by a loud horn. The horn, sounding slightly like a Tyranitar, was heard throughout the entire ship.

“We must be there!” shouted May excitedly.

Drew, May, Blaziken and Roserade ran to the very front of the ship, where other people had already gathered, and saw a port and a town.

“New Bark Town,” said Drew.

“Yeah!” cried May.

“Hey, Pidgeotto, come on out!” said Drew, throwing a Poké Ball. A yellow-green flying Pokémon came out of the ball, with sparkles surrounding it.

“Wow, that Pidgeotto is alternately-coloured!” cried May.

Pidgeotto had yellow talons with white claws and a white and yellow stripy tail. It had a green body with a cream coloured tummy. His wings were green at the top and cream at the bottom, and the inside of the wings were also cream, with lovely feathers. He had a yellow beak and small black, beady eyes. He also had a yellow crest coming from his head.

“Yeah, I caught it before I came!” said Drew.

“Where are all your other Pokémon?” asked May.

“I left Flygon, Masquerain, Absol and Butterfree at my family’s home,” said Drew.

“Yeah, I left Venusaur, Wartortle, Skitty and Beautifly at the Petalburg Gym!” said May.

“Is your dad training them?” asked Drew.

“Sometimes, but it’s mostly mom to be honest!” said May, laughing softly.

The horn sounded again and May and Drew saw that most trainers had already ran to the gangplank. The pair looked around, noticing they had reached New Bark Town.

“Come on Drew, let’s go!” said May, running to the plank.

“Wait for me!” said Drew, following May onto dry land.

El fin.

I hope you all liked it! Please be critical!
TurtwigFan1 - ;387;
 
Last edited:

Stabberz

The RPG Godfather
Yeah That Was Very Good I Will be An Avid Reader also if you get time then look at my fic chapter 2 is up
 

harryheart

Well-Known Member
“Ah. Smell that fresh sea air!” cried May Maple, a Pokémon co-ordinator, on a boat to New Bark Town in Johto. May was 15 years old, with long brown hair, in her trademark upside-down ‘V’ shape. She was wearing a yellow bandana with a white Poké Ball symbol on it. She was wearing a yellow jacket with an orange T-shirt. She was also wearing a pink skirt and orange leggings. She wore pink socks and yellow lace-up sneakers.

Right, this part here is a block description you could have it like:

"Ah. Smell that fresh sea air!” cried May Maple, a Pokémon co-ordinator, on a boat to New Bark Town in Johto. May was 15 years old, with long brown hair, in her trademark upside-down ‘V’ shape. She was wearing a yellow bandana with a white Poké Ball symbol on it, the bandanna was the same colour as her jacket that flapped in the breeze, covering the Orange T-shirt beneath it. The pink mini skirt wrapped tightly around the orange leggings that ended at her pink socks that slotted into her yellow lace-up sneakers.

If you do something like that it makes it less annoying to read, and you could add in more scenic things with it such as:

The yellow bandanna was a bright contrast to the (insert colour here) deck that she stood on, a white PokéBall symbol was very noticeable as it clashed with the other colours of her outfit

Overall this is a great Prologue and I can't wait for the future Chapters, great job!

8/10
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Thanks for both your comments, I will definitely try with that description!
 

harryheart

Well-Known Member
Thanks for both your comments, I will definitely try with that description!

You can use the paragraph I sent you if you wish, and no crediting needed. But also I noticed when describing Drew and also the Pokemon it was a little like that so you could change them a little.

The battle was great, so no need to worry about that there apart from when you said Blaziken jumped to the right, and Roserade sent the ball to the right, to Roserade it would have been Blaziken jumping to her left so it would have sent it left
 

Silawen

Fanfiction Critic
Hello, there! I see you've been busy working on even more fic. While I'm a bit apprehensive about someone with so little experience working on several fics, it's good to see you're so enthusiastic about writing. I hope my comments will help you improve and enjoy it even more. :)

-

Ah. Smell that fresh sea air!” cried May Maple, a Pokémon co-ordinator, on a boat to New Bark Town in Johto. May was fifteen years old, with long brown hair cut into its trademark upside-down ‘V’ shape.

We tend to write out numbers under a hundred. So 'fifteen', not '15'.

I edited the sentence a bit, because your original one implied May was cut into her trademark V shape. That sounds rather gross and wasn't what you intended, I'm sure. It's because in a sentence like that the commas divide it. When there's two commas like that you should be able to remove it from the sentence and still have a complete one, thus implying May is being cut and not the hair.

She was wearing a yellow bandana with a white Poké Ball symbol on it. She was wearing a yellow jacket with an orange T-shirt. She was also wearing a pink skirt and orange leggings. She wore pink socks and yellow lace-up sneakers.

Like someone said before me, be careful of the info dump. (Or, in this case, description dump.) We don't need to know every single thing right at the start. Dumping all your description on us in one go isn't going to make us appreciate the character, it's going to come across as you wanting to get it all out now.

Instead what you should try to do is gradually reveal to us what the character looks like, in combination with pointing out stuff when they're relevant. Right now your character's clothes aren't relevant to what is going on, so we don't need to know. Now, if it were incredibly chilly, then you might talk about, say, the thick woollen sweater she was wearing, or if the wind was strong you could mention her hair being tossed around. Things like that. Don't just share it all at once.

Its red legs ended in yellow ankles and feet. He had two long red arms with grey claws for hands. He also had a red face and beak with long white ‘hair’ extending from his head, down his back, and on his chest.

Same goes for the description of the blaziken.

The possessive form of 'it' is 'its', not 'it is'. Thus 'its legs', 'its head', etc.

“Lax-munchlax!” said May’s Munchlax, a dark blue humanoid Pokémon. It had large yellow feet with three white claws. Its dark blue body extended down to the floor and Munchlax’s arms were short. His mouth was low down on his head, surrounded by a yellow section which went down to his chest in a circle. Above his mouth were his large eyes and his large pointy ears.

There's just too much description going on here. Which isn't something I say often. In this case I mean 'appearance description', though, because we get no sense of what is going on whatsoever.

I also removed the comma after section, because once again you're implying something that isn't true. You were sating his head went down to his chest in a circle, not the yellow section. It's a bit tricky, but once you get the hang of it all should be well.

I'll give a few examples. For instance:

The river Nile, which supplies most of the country with water, runs on for miles.

Notice how the centre part of the sentences, between commas, could be removed if you wanted to? It's an additional sentence that adds to the original one but isn't completely necessary.

Now this is what you do:

May was 15 years old, with long brown hair, in her trademark upside-down ‘V’ shape.

Removing the 'with long brown hair' part would leave May as a 'trademark upside-down shape', instead of her hair. Notice the difference between this sentence and the last? By an erroneous comma you changed the entire meaning of the sentence.

“Glaceon!” cried May’s Glaceon, a quite short, light blue Pokémon on all fours. It had a light blue tail that ended in a dark blue diamond. Her four light blue legs ended in dark blue paws. Her light blue back had a dark blue diamond on it and her face housed two dark eyes and a small nose and mouth. She had two diamond-shaped, light blue ears with dark blue diamonds inside. On her head, above her eyes, were three dark blue triangles with two limb-like appendages extended from the triangles. These appendages ended in even darker blue diamonds.

More appearance talk. One of the other problems your description suffers from is repetition. While I understand parts of the pokémon's body has the same colour, you should try to come up with a way to describe it without going 'light blue' or 'dark blue' constantly. Another case of repetition is your constant use of 'extended' and the repeating of 'diamonds', 'triangles' and 'appendages'. You could just say 'them', you know, after mentioning something.

“Hi, guys, did you find Drew?” asked May excitedly. All of the Pokémon nodded happily.

There's a comma before 'guys', because this is a direct address. For example, it'd be "Hello, Amy." and "Bye, people."

May’s Pokémon ran off down the outside deck and followed her Pokémon inside.

So, her pokémon ran off and follow her pokémon? I'm assuming you forgot 'she' before 'followed'. ^^

Also, where exactly are we? Judging from the 'deck' and the 'sea air', they're probably on a boat, but one can't be sure. That's what I mean by not describing anything. You describe appearances, but that's about it. Where are they and what does it look like? Is the sea a light blue, or green due to algae? Are there wingull flying overhead, or horsea swimming down below? Is the weather calm or is a strong breeze pulling at the sails? Does this boat even have sails?

Show us what's happening and going on. Paint a picture of what we would be seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, etc. if we would be there.

“May!” shouted Drew happily, going over to a small drawer.

“Rose-rade!” cried Roserade, happy to see May and her Pokémon.

Drew reached inside the drawer and took out a rose, about the 500th he’d given to May.

“Here you go, May,” said Drew, slightly blushing. May took the rose and placed it in her jacket pocket. She blushed as well.

“Thanks, Drew, I can’t wait until we get to Johto, there’s a contest in New Bark Town!” said May happily.

“Yeah, I’ll totally win my first ribbon!” said Drew.

“Modest as usual,” said May, slightly impressed but not showing it.

“Wanna have a practice battle?” asked Drew.

“Yeah! We’ll use one Pokémon each!” said May.

A couple of more instances of direct address, but I already explained that earlier. The same goes for the number thing.

I messed around with a sentence up there - the one about the blushing - because the sentence after the comma usually refers to the word before it, so you were saying the pocket was blushing. ;)

There's a lot of dialogue here and little to no description, but that's not the biggest problem I have with it. Your constant use of 'he said, she said' gets annoying, mostly because it's unnecessary. There's only two of them, so after establishing who spoke first, there's really no need to keep telling us who was speaking. We're smart enough to assume they're not talking to themselves, especially because you wouldn't start a new paragraph if that were the case.

Instead just occasionally mention it. Read it out loud and find out where it gets confusing, then use 'said' or some other speech related verb. There's a lot to choose from, after all.

“All right then, go, Roserade!” said Drew, telling Roserade to battle.

“Blaziken, get out there!” said May, telling Blaziken to battle.

There's no need to repeat what they've just done. They're telling them to battle, we can see that, you don't have to say it again afterwards. We don't go "That is terrible!" May exclaiming, saying it was terrible. either, right?

That goes for a lot of your dialogue.

“Roserade, are you okay?” asked Drew, with Roserade nodding. “Good, use Weather Ball!” cried Drew.

He's asking Roserade something, so it gets a question mark. Also, you don't have to constantly mention who's talking. You could just leave it blank, or say 'he'.

The battle itself is incredibly short, as is the entire journey. May mentioned the smell of the sea at the beginning of the chapter, plus she was just getting on deck, which implies she'd just gotten on. They meet Drew, their pokémon use one or two moves, and then they've suddenly arrived. That would have taken twenty minutes at most.

“Wow, that Pidgeotto is alternately-coloured!” cried May.

Alternately coloured? I don't think anyone May's age would speak like that. Differently coloured, maybe, but she'd probably just say 'different', or something of the kind.

-

All in all, this chapter is a bit lacking. It has too much you listing things. You list what they look like, which pokémon they carry with them and then at the end you list which ones they left behind.

Nothing really happens. They're on a boat - ship, whatever - and challenge each other to a battle. Then that battle doesn't actually happen, except for one or two moves. That's it, yet you make it appear as if that took them the entire journey from wherever they came from to New Bark Town. It's also not something that would be enough to be the focus of a chapter. Nothing actually happened, yet it took us a chapter to figure that out.

The following are your biggest problems:

1. Description.

You list appearances, that's it. We know what everyone looks like, to the point where it gets annoying, but we have no idea what the boat, sea, sky, or anything else looks like, because you gloss over it. Occasionally you'll mention the carpet, or the colour of the couch, but it's so minimal that it doesn't really help any. The couch is purple, but we don't even know how big the ship is, or if there's other people.

I talked about this before, but take your time. You have a clear picture in mind of what is going on, but we don't. Imagine you're looking at this from the point of view of someone who has never read a story like this. What would you do to describe it to them? Envision it, paint a picture. We won't feel included unless we have the feeling we're there and so far all I feel is annoyance at the lack of anything.

2. Commas.

Direct address, awkward sentences, they all either lack commas or have them in the wrong places. It's something that required a bit of practice, but once you get it right it'll really benefit your writing skills. After all, sentences such as May being V-shaped are funny but wrong. So try to be careful of that.

3. The plot.

I know this is only the first chapter, but there's nothing happening. First chapters should set things up, or at least begin to. Instead there was a lot of talking, but nothing really going on. Just because you spent ages describing, at length, the pokémon, doesn't mean that time passed in your story. You described all but ten minutes.

Something has to happen in a chapter. Choose beforehand what the focus is going to be of that chapter then weave something around it. There should always be an overarching focus, too, that all chapters work with and lead up to.

-

My biggest advice would be to get a beta, because there's a lot to work on that a beta could help you with. It's not something you'll be able to fix on your own.

Good luck!
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Thanks for the comments, I'll make it work for the next chapter!

May had not just got on the boat however, she had been on for a long time, as there was no mention of her just getting on!

Thanks anyway!
 

Silawen

Fanfiction Critic
May had not just got on the boat however, she had been on for a long time, as there was no mention of her just getting on!

There was no mention of her being on there a long time, either. Instead the fact that she was only now smelling the sea air implied she'd just gotten on, because had she been on there a while already she'd have been given a lot of time to smell the sea air. Hence me assuming that she'd only been on there a short while.

This is exactly what I mean, though. You don't describe, or tell us anything other than what the characters look like. Inform us of things, don't just gloss over it.

You're welcome, though. (I'm confused, however, why you're using my advice for the next chapter and not to edit your first one as well.)
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Hi Turtwigfan1!8/10!! Also what
Silawen said.
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Hey guys, the next chapter is almost ready and will be posted in about 2 hours. The description (in my opinion) is a lot better and not as blocky, you will be impressed!
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
So that is about 6:30 pm my time.I can't wait keep up the good work Turtwigfan1!Also will that be the same time for a new chapter in the Moonshine explorers?
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Chapter 1 - Let the Contest begin!

Hey guys, here's the first chapter! I hope you think the description is better this time. Torpoleon, the Moonshine Explorers chapter will probably be tomorrow or the day after. So here it is:

Chapter 1 - Let the Contest begin!

“Wow, it’s been so long since we were last here!” May cried.

New Bark Town had small cottages dotted all around, with beautiful brown brick paths and tall trees on every corner. May and Drew, with their Pokémon in tow, walked to the High Street.

The High Street was decorated with pristine shops selling all sorts of things, like clothes, toys and Pokémon supplies. At the end of the street was a tall blue building with a green, domed roof.

“The contest hall!” said Drew.

On the outside of the prestigious building was a yellow banner with pink writing that read ‘Pokémon Contest – Tomorrow!’

“Awesome! I can’t wait until tomorrow! I better start working on my combinations!” May said excitedly.

“Me too!” Drew said, rubbing the back of his head.

“Let’s go check into the Pokémon Center and get our Contest Passes!”

“Alright, I want a high up room!”

The pair put their Pokémon back into their Poké Balls and started to walk down the High Street. The Pokémon Center was slap bang in the middle of it, on the left hand side, so it would be a long walk.

On the way, they passed a lot of co-ordinators practicing combinations and feeding Poffins and PokéBlocks to their Pokémon.

*****

The Pokémon Center had a bright red roof and had about 8 floors. There was a white Poké Ball symbol on the roof. May and Drew walked inside and even more co-ordinators were practicing. The couple walked up to the counter and saw a woman, with pink hair and a nurse outfit, known as Nurse Joy

“Hello there you two, would you like a room?” asked Nurse Joy.

“Yes please, and we’d like to get our contest passes!” May nodded.

“Okay then, you go first.” Nurse Joy said, pointing at May.

“My name is May Maple, I’m fifteen years old and I’m from Petalburg City!” May said, introducing herself, inserting her pink Pokédex into a slot in the counter.

“Okay, you’re all registered, here’s your contest pass!” Nurse Joy beamed, passing May a pink laminated pass with all of Mays details.

“You’re next Drew!” May smiled, looking at her pass.

Drew handed his green Pokédex to Nurse Joy.

“Drew Carter, fifteen years old and I’m from LaRousse City,” stated Drew, with Nurse Joy inserting his Pokédex for him. After some typing on the keyboard she handed the Pokédex back, and a green contest pass.

“Here you go Drew!” Nurse Joy smiled.

“Thanks Nurse Joy! By the way, where is our room?” asked Drew.

“On the sixth floor, see you later!”

Nurse Joy waved and left to heal some Pokémon.

“Shall we go see our room?” asked Drew.

“Yeah, let’s go!” said May, putting her contest pass is her pocket. On the way there however, May stopped in a shop in the Center and saw an orange pack like her packs she wore when she travelled with Ash.

“I gotta buy that!” screamed May, running to the till.

Drew sighed and waited outside the shop.

After two minutes, May came back out with a very nice pack.

“I’ll keep all our things in here, ‘kay?” said May, taking her contest pass out of her pocket and placing it into the pack, which she also did with Drews.

May and Drew went to the elevator, got in and went to the sixth floor. They found their room, which had a view of the High Street.

There were two blue singles beds and a green carpet. The walls were painted a green colour with a brown border at the top. The balcony was also green and brown.

“Yeah!” cried May.

“We’ll sleep soundly tonight, those beds look so comfy!” said Drew.

“I’m going to the Contest Hall grounds to practice combinations, are you coming?” asked May.

“Let’s hurry!” Drew said.

*****

“Blaziken, take the stage!” May said, throwing Blazikens Poké Ball.

‘I’ll definitely use a Flame Seal,’ May thought to herself.

“Okay then Blaziken, use Flamethrower and spin at the same time!” May ordered.

Blaziken started to spin and opened his mouth. A flurry of flames came out his beak and a circle of flames appeared.

“Use Overheat!” cried May.

With the circle of flames not burning out Blaziken sent flames flying right at it, making it burn even brighter.

“Now use Sky Uppercut on each half of the circle!” ordered May.

Blazikens claw glowed blue and he jumped in the air. He hit one edge of the circle and then the direct opposite side. The circle grew even brighter and went out with a literal bang.

“Ah! Blaziken that was gorgeous!” May smiled, hugging Blaziken.

***

“Roserade, come on out!” Drew shouted.

Roserade came out of its Poké Ball, which had a Petal Seal on it.

“That definitely works,” Drew muttered, “Now use Petal Dance!”

Roserades bouquets glowed pink and a flurry of pink petals shot out of them. The petals twirled and danced in spirals in the air.

“Weather Ball!” ordered Drew.

A white ball appeared in between Roserades bouquets and it rapidly turned a fiery red colour. She shot the ball at the petals and they started to burn.

The petals continued to dance, even though they were burning, and they suddenly all disintegrated.

“Gorgeous,” cried Drew, patting Roserades head, “Now let’s find May!”

***

“Great job Blaziken! Now let’s find Drew!” May said, scoping the area for her green-haired friend.

May scoured the grounds and saw Drew, who seemed to be looking for someone.

“Drew!” May shouted.

Drew looked around and saw May. He waved at her and ran over.

“Did you make a combination?” Drew asked.

“Yeah, we’re totally going to ace that contest!” May smiled, giggling slightly.

“No you’re not, because I am!” Drew laughed.

*****

Back at the Pokémon Center, May checked her pink Pokétch.

“Oh my gosh Drew, it’s nine o’clock!” May gasped.

“Shall we get an early night?” asked Drew, yawning.

“Yeah, I’m tired and I want to wake up early for more combination practice!”

“Let’s go!”

*****

Drew and May changed into their pyjamas. Mays were pink shorts and a white button-up shirt. Drew wore dark blue pants and a black vest.

“Goodnight Drew!” said May.

“’Night May!” Drew said, giving May a goodnight hug.

May blushed, but enjoyed hugging Drew and felt safe in his bare, muscular arms. Drew felt that May was his and no one else could touch her. The pair moved their heads back and blushed again. May leant forward but Drew interrupted.

“Time for bed then,” he said apprehensively.

“Yeah, sweet dreams.” May said, blushing yet again.

The pair climbed into their beds, turned of the lights and went to sleep.

*****

The alarm rang and Drew propped himself up. He got out of bed and woke May up.

“Morning May!” said Drew.

“Morning Drew.” May muttered, still drowsy. Drew went to brush his teeth, while May got changed. When May got changed, she went to brush her teeth and Drew got changed.

Inside the bathroom, there was a shiny mirror and light blue counters. The floor was decorated with white tiles and so were the walls. May picked up her pink toothbrush, put the toothpaste on the brush and brushed her teeth.

When she was finished she went back into the room to see Drew standing there just in his boxer shorts. She blushed a bright red.

Drew turned around and saw May.

“Uh…” Drew stuttered.

“This is awkward.” May mumbled, turning around and entering the bathroom.

Drew hurriedly got dressed, but May was still thinking in the bathroom.

‘He is really hot! I do like him, more now than ever,’ May thought.

‘I should ask her out, I really like her,’ Drew thought.

“I’m decent now!” Drew shouted.

May walked into the room, still quite red.

“Sorry about that, we better go and get some breakfast!” May stuttered.

“Yeah,” said Drew.

*****

“Yummy! That was delicious!” May said, still chomping her food.

“Come on May, we gotta get to the Contest Hall.” Drew stated.

“Oh, yeah!” May cried, putting her pack back on.

*****

“Welcome everyone, to the New Bark Town Pokémon Contest!” announced the Johto contest announcer, Dorian. Dorian had orange-red hair that was quite curly and wore a green bandana. Her trousers were a dark green and her T-shirt was a beautiful jade green. She carried a light green microphone.

“The co-ordinators are ready backstage and the crowd is going wild!” she shouted.

“Yeah! Woo!” came voices from the audience.

“Now then, in the Appeal Round the co-ordinators show off their Pokémon’s moves and create combinations. The lucky 16 co-ordinators who make the most beautiful appeals go through to the Battle Round! In the Battle Round the co-ordinators battle it out for five minutes to show off the beauty of their Pokémon and the winner gets this!” Dorian stated, showing off a beautiful brown ribbon with dark green leaves all over it. The golden metal clasp was in the shape of a tree.

“This is the beautiful New Bark Ribbon! Now then let the Contest BEGIN!”

El fin.

I hope you liked the chapter and I have the New Bark Ribbon in the makings (not me!). I also have Drew and May trainer pics in the works (not me).
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Good chapter 9/10!!!Also will this be like your contest shipping fic?
 

sweet_piplup123

I lost the game?!?!
Drew in his boxer shorts...awkwardness...
You seems to be repeating thing a lot though.
OK,I am not a critic so I'll leave the criticism to someone else.
Overall, 8.5 Piplup points!
 

harryheart

Well-Known Member
Again I'm not a critic so I'll let someone else do all the nity grity stuff. But I did notice a little repetition time to time. Not that major but could use some different words that mean the same.

Description wasn't as bulky as it was last Chapter but I would still add more information and description in! Was the breeze refreshing? Was there a breeze? What was the sea doing?

WELL DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER 8.5/10
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Thanks for the comments, I will try to use different words!
 

Ryuusei

the sakura trainer~
Hm... I like the fic a lot. I see improvements from the first chapter to the second, but the description is lacking really. I really cannot picture the appeals well enough in my head, perhaps a little bit more? Saying a white ball turns red and is shot up and burns all the petals isn't really good enough? Perhaps what kind of effect it has?

Though I have to say something, May having a Glaceon in New Bark kinda defies canon? Cause it was specifically mentioned she had journeyed to Sinnoh to take part in the Wallace Cup and her Eevee evolved along the way at the Snow Route at the Ice Rock.

Still, the fic is pretty decent, just lacking the description on stuff a little, such as the appeals. Also, I'd like to mention that May having a Venusaur and Wartortle when she arrived in New Bark was a complete surprise. She left Kanto with a Squirtle, you made no comments on its evolution. Same for Bulbasaur too. How did it evolve two stages immediately, when she just left Kanto and arrived in New Bark?

A little canon facts that were off without some explanation that I'd like to see you try to input them in the fic. Maybe as flashbacks, etc.? Having a Bulbasaur evolve straight into a Venusaur seems like a pretty Mary Sue-ish thing to me, same as having Eevee evolve into Glaceon without mention of how Eevee evolved, etc.

I'll be watching this fic for it definitely has caught my interest.
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
May is fifteen now! She has already been in the Wallace Cup! Glaceon, Venusaur and Wartortle have already evolved! A little mistake, so no worries! Sorry about the appeals, I'll make them have more description for the next chapter!
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Hey guys, here's chapter 2, covering the New Bark Town Pokémon Contest.

Chapter 2 - Fire Spins and Dancing Petals


“First up, it’s Drew Carter from LaRousse City!” Dorian announced.

“Roserade, come on out!” shouted Drew.

Roserade came out with a Petal Seal.

“Petal Dance!” cried Drew.

“Rose-raade!” Roserade said, sending a flurry of small pink petals out of her bouquets.

“Wow, look at that, Roserades Petal Dance is absolutely gorgeous!” Dorian cheered.

*​

“Wow, Drew looks really great out there!” May told Blaziken.

“Blaze-blaze.” Blaziken cried, nodding.

*​

“Weather Ball!” ordered Drew.

With the open-aired stadium, and the hot sun shining down, Roserades Weather Ball was a fiery mass straight away.

“Shoot!”

Roserade shot the ball and the petals started to burn, still dancing.

The petals were a beautiful orange and danced in spirals across the sky.

“Gorgeous!” cried Drew.

The petals suddenly disintegrated into black dust and Roserade ran to Drew, who both smiled and waved to the audience.

“Wow, what an amazing appeal! That will be hard to beat!” Dorian smiled.

Drew and Roserade left the stage and went to the competitors area. The area was decorated with blue, plush seats and a green-carpeted floor. The walls were a bright yellow and there was a big screen showing the contest action. May was sitting on a seat.

“Wow Drew, you were amazing!” congratulated May.

Drew flicked his fringe and smiled.

“Yeah, but Roserade did most of the work!” Drew said, with no hint of being modest.

May laughed delicately and smiled at Blaziken.

“We’re up soon aren’t we?” May asked.

“Blaziken!” cried Blaziken.

Drew went to sit next to May and a bunch of co-ordinators went to the stage.

While May was waiting for her turn, Smoochum, Magmar, Buizel and Mankey to name a few, made appeals.

“It’s my turn now! Wish me luck!” May smiled.

Drew waved and May left to go to the stage.

‘I feel so nervous, I can’t make a fool of myself in front of Drew,” May thought to herself.

*****​

“Next up, it’s May Maple from Petalburg City!” announced Dorian.

May ran onto the stage and shouted, “Blaziken! Take the stage!”

Blaziken exited the Poké Ball with a flurry of flames, from the Flame Seal.

“Flamethrower while you spin!” May ordered.

A circle of flames surrounded the stage, wowing the audience. The heat was intense and the audience were taking their jackets and coats off.

“Wow, the intensity of those flames powered up by the heat of the Sun are magnificent!” Dorian cried.

“Sky Uppercut!” ordered May.

Blazikens claws glowed a shimmering blue and Blaziken cut the circle of flames in half. The flames still burned, but suddenly went out with a massive bang.

“Did you hear that? That was incredibly loud!” Dorian shouted into the microphone.

The audience went wild with excitement and cheered for the dynamic duo of May and Blaziken.

“That was an excellent display of Fire and Fighting-type moves!” the head judge, Raoul Contesta stated.

”Yes, and it was remarkable!” Sukizo smiled, using his signature phrase.

“It was so beautiful to watch those flames burn brightly in the shining sky!” Nurse Joy said happily.

“Well done to May, and thanks to our fabulous judges, who we will see at every contest throughout the nation,” Dorian shouted, “Now all the contestants have performed and the judges will make their decisions on the Top Eight co-ordinators going through to the next round, so stay tuned!”

May entered the competitors area and was greeted by Drew.

“Wow, you were great!” Drew said proceeding to give May a hug.

“Thanks Drew, I hope we get to battle each other!” May said, hiding her blushing face.

“The judges have made their decisions!” the voice of Dorian said, coming from the big screen.

“Here are the lucky and talented co-ordinators moving on to the next round!” she cried.

The screen switched to a yellow background and faces started to appear. First a man, then a girl with a pink hairband, a dark-haired woman and then Drew!

“Awesome, I got through!” Drew cheered, hugging Roserade.

The face of a young boy came up, another young boy and then second-to-last May!

“Yeah! We made it Blaziken!” May laughed, with Blaziken cuddling her.

“I hope to battle you May, I’ll beat you!” Drew smiled, showing his pearly-white teeth.

“Nu-uh, because I’m gonna beat you!” May giggled.

Dorian came back on the screen, “Now our computer will give the co-ordinators a random shuffle to see their first match!”

The faces of the finalist were piled into one on the screen and spread back out again. They flipped over to reveal who was battling whom.

A young boy and the dark-haired woman were first, then Drew and a young girl, May and the girl with the pink hairband and the last two finalists.

“Good luck Drew!” May said, outstretching her arm.

“Ditto.” Drew said, shaking hands with his crush.

Drew and May waited patiently until the first battle was over, with the woman prevailing and Drew got ready to go.

“See ya later!” he waved, exiting the room.

“Next up is Drew Carter versus Samantha Shiner! Five minutes on the clock! BEGIN!” Dorian shouted.

“Pidgeotto, come on out!” Drew cried, with his flying-Pokémon making a dramatic entrance surrounded by confetti.

“Metapod, you’re up!” Samantha ordered, throwing a Poké Ball that exploded in a flurry of smoke, revealing a green, relatively small arrow shaped Pokémon. It had distinct, thin markings on the tale and face and small, round eyes that looked quite out of place.

‘This will be easy, I have the advantage!’ thought Drew, smiling at Samantha.

“Pidgeotto, use Gust!” Drew ordered.

Pidgeottos yellow and green wings flapped to create a powerful wind that pushed Metapod off the ground, to eventually land with a thud.

Samantha’s yellow circular points bar shifted to show she had lost about ten percent of her points. Drew still had all of his points and in between the points bars lay the timer, which read 4:30, showing thirty seconds had already been used.

“Metapod, use Tackle!” screamed Samantha.

Metapod jumped up and threw itself at Pidgeotto.

“Dodge it!” said Drew.

Pidgeotto flew out of the way and Metapod fell to the floor, making Samantha lose five percent of her points. She had now lost fifteen percent and things were not looking good.

“Wing Attack!” Drew said quickly to get a good lead.

Pidgeottos wings glowed a shimmering white and he hit Metapod with great force, making Metapod cry out. Metapod couldn’t take any more and fell to the ground, unable to battle.

The desks in front of the judges flashed three large ‘X’s and on the screen Drew was declared the winner.

“Well done, Drew! You move on to the next round!” Dorian smiled.

The audience cheered for Drew and for Samantha. The pair of co-ordinators shook hands and left the stage.

When Drew was walking back he met May, walking to her battle.

“Great job Drew, you deserved that win!” May smiled.

“Good luck,” said Drew, walking briskly past May to sit down in the backstage area.

As May walked onto the stage she saw her opponent walking onto the stage. Her hair was a dark brown, down to her back, and it had a pink hairband at the top. She had blue eyes accentuated by tanned skin. Her pink, knee-high dress had a bright red heart on the chest and a necklace with a heart charm was around the girls neck. Her shoes were a light pink colour and she looked ready to battle.

“Next up it’s Sasha Sampson versus May Maple! Five minutes on the clock, BEGIN!” Dorian announced for the third time that day.

“Okay Cyndaquil, come on out!” said Sasha, throwing a Poké Ball with a Flame Seal.

A blue-backed Pokémon appeared with a yellow tummy, set of two legs and two arms. On her yellow and blue head, her eyes were shut tight, giving the effect of always squinting. Her back suddenly erupted in orange-yellow flames, showing that she was ready to fight.

“Glaceon, take the stage!” cried May, throwing a Poké Ball with a Heart Seal.

Glaceon appeared surrounded by lots of pink hearts.

“Glaceon, use Ice Beam!” ordered May.

A light blue ball formed in Glaceons mouth and zigzag lines appeared and shot at Cyndaquil. Cyndaquil tried to move out of the way, but in vain as the icy beam hit Cyndaquil, freezing her solid.

“Cyndyquil!” Sasha cried, very upset at losing fifteen percent of her points.

“This is my chance,” May smiled, “Use Iron Tail, Glaceon!”

Glaceons tail glowed a bright white colour and became the hardness of steel. The tail smacked Cyndaquil, slightly cracking the ice. Shards of the ice flew off the frozen Cyndaquil and made Glaceon look beautiful. Sasha lost another ten percent.

“I’ve lost a quarter of my points now, thaw out Cyndaquil” cried Sasha.

“Shadow Ball!” May ordered.

A dark purple-black ball formed in Glaceons mouth and it was shot at Cyndaquil. The ball broke the ice and shot Cyndaquil up in the air, flipping and screaming. Sasha had now lost half of her points.

“Cyndyquil!” she screamed.

Cyndaquil fell to the ground, with swirly eyes, unable to battle.

“Cyndaquil is unable to battle, May is the winner!” announced Dorian.

May and Glaceon flashed up on the screen with the word ‘WINNER’ flashing brightly.

“Yeah!” cried May, hugging Glaceon tightly.

“You were great Cyndaquil,” Sasha sighed, “Well done May!”

“You too!”

May walked back the backstage area and met Drew again.

“Awesome work May!” smiled Drew.

“Thanks!” she replied.

The two chatted whilst the other two finalists battled. In the top four, Drew was battling the raven-haired woman and May was battling a tall man.

Drew beat the woman and May beat the man.

“Well Drew, we’re in the finals together!” said May, getting ready to go on stage.

“See you on stage.” Drew smiled.

The pair left the backstage area and went to the stage.

“Here we are in the finals,” Dorian cried, “It’s Drew versus May! Five minutes on the clock. BEGIN!”

“Pidgeotto, you’re up!” Drew shouted.

“Glaceon, take the stage!” cried May.

“Pidgeotto, Gust!”

“Ice Beam!”

A blue beam was shot at Pidgeotto, but his Gust blew the icy beam out of the way and hit Glaceon.

May lost points for both her attack dissolving and Glaceon being hit, leaving her with seventy percent of her points left.

“Wing Attack!”

“Quick, Glaceon! Iron Tail!”

The two glowing attacks collided, creating a massive white explosion. Pidgeotto was flung to one wall and Glaceon to the opposite wall. Each co-ordinator lost ten percent of their points, leaving Drew with ninety and May with sixty.

Drew and May looked at the timer.

“Two minutes, this is so in the bag. Gust one more time!”

“Come on Glaceon, I know you can do it! Ice Beam!”

The two attacks collided with equal force and white smoke covered the field and points board.

“Ah!”

“Oh no!”

The telltale ‘ding’ of the timer running out was heard.

“That’s it, but who’s won?” asked Dorian.

The smoke cleared and Drews face flashed on the board. Drew had won! Drew had eighty points left and May had forty, resulting in her loss.

“Yeah! Awesome work Pidgeotto!” laughed Drew, jumping in the air to high-wing him.

“Don’t be sad,” said May, “We’ll win the next one, won’t we Glaceon?”

Glaceon nodded weakly and sighed.

May and Drew ran to the centre of the stage and shook hands.

*****​

“Congratulations Drew, you showed great talent and grace with your Pokémon!” said Contesta, handing Drew the ribbon.

“Thank you,” Drew smiled, “Alright! I got the New Bark Ribbon!”

newbarkribbontt4.png


Drew flashed the ribbon so everyone could see.

All the competitors were clapping, as were the audience.

“That was the first contest of the season and next time we’ll be in the beautiful Cherrygrove City!” Dorian said, ending the contest. May and Drew went back to the Pokémon Center and the audience left to go home.

Back at the Center Drew placed the brown ribbon in his case, the first of five he hoped to win.

“Well done Drew, you deserved that win!” May smiled.

“Thanks May, and in Cherrygrove, I’ll win my second ribbon!” boasted Drew.

“No you won’t because that ribbon is mine!”

“Well, we should head back to the room.”

In their room, they changed into their pyjamas and climbed into bed, tired but excited for their next contest.

“G’night May!”

“Goodnight Drew…

El fin.

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, the ribbon is credited to Ayra!
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Wow!Great chapter!
Description:6/10(sorry)
Plot:7.5/10
Plot:10/10
Grammar:9/10!!
Overall great chapter and what about the Moonshine?
 
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