Yu Yu Hakusho: Yusuke's inner demon

[ash ketchum Devan ketchum]

PROLOUGE

After Yusuke Urameshi killed Swinsue
They have about a 2 month break from kicking
Demon ***. But after that 2months. It happens.
A new threat named Z and Vacleor are trying to
Destroy Earth, and everyone and thing on that Planet.
But, Kurama and his stronger Demon form yoku the fox.
Are going to kill even more demons. But can everyone work
together again to find Yusuke's ancstor demon named
Mokurisu? It's up to Yusuke Urameshi, Kuwabara, Hiei,
Kurama, and the heart of all of their friends to save it all

 

[ash ketchum Devan ketchum]

CHAPTER 1[/B][/B]

The Shinata Family
Beginning Narrator: Today our spirit detective Yusuke Urameshi skips school. Yes I know. Again. He does and looks for something new. But he eventually walks and see's two strong demons. Or are they just the sahdows of them? You will find out on this episode of Yu Yu Hakusho!! Sike!! He goes to look for the very first spirit detective . She is a woman. her name is Koroko Shinata!!
Yusuke: That damn old hag Gin Kai giving me an address to the very first spirit detectives home. I don't even know how she's like and stuff..
Whoa! Bones evrywhere! They must have very huge dogs or they have to be omething else...
Boy:Ha ya!!
Girl: Take that.
Detail Narrator: The 10 year old boy and 8 year old girl punch and kick at Yusuke all they can. But Yusuke blocked all those hits with his two index fingers. They both tried to do a jump kick but Yusuke jumps on a branch of a high tree. Then they both do a double blasting move called " Twin Dragon Blast ". But then their mother Koroko stops them.
Koroko: Hisai and Kabuki drop it.
Detail Narrator: They stop.
Hisai: Why mom?
Kabuki: See mom? I stopped, I stopped.
Detail Narrator: They all start walking to the house.
Koroko: Well then. You must be Yusuke.
Yusuke: I'm not sure how you know that, but yeah. I'm Yusuke.
Koroko: Gin Kai told me you'd be coming. She said I'd relate to you because you are a pain in the ***.

Koroko: Sorry about the welcoming party but I've trained them to attack without question when sensing demon energy. But you don't have to worry anymore. They'll remember your face.
Yusuke: So I take it their the dogs, huh?
Koroko: * laughs for 5 seconds * Yeah.
Yusuke: So what about those bones?
Koroko: Probrably the remains of the demon alparistionists that my kids have killed.
Detail Narrator: When they get in the house.
Sogo Sato: Well hello there. My names Sogo Sato, and I'm Koroko's husband.
Koroko: You may have heard of him. He's an audolists.
Yusuke: Yusuke. Sorry I don't read much.
Boy: Your name is funny. Yusuke Urameshi.
Girl: Yeah. Your not clean your ur a messy.
Yusuke: Yeah, I think you two are ready to go to the playground.
Koroko: Now children. thats no way to talk. Introduce yourselves perfessionaly.
Both: Right mom!!
Boy: Hisai Shinata. 10 years old. I memorize t.v. shows.
Girl: Kabuki Shinata. 8 years old. I'm in love with a moviestar and I want to marry him.
Yusuke: Hold up, your names. I thought your last name was Sato?
Both: Thats our fathers name. That names to common. Our mothers is way cooler.
Sogo: * Snickers * They hate my name. I can feel my heart breaking.
Kosoko: Now look what you did Now kids.Your father's going to crya ocean , and drown us all!!

 

[Skysthelimit]

I may be new here, But I Know a few things.

First this isn't even a fanfic, a fanfic should be atleast three pages in microsoft word; it must have a plot and a description of the characters. This one has niether.

And second of all, this is about yyh, not Pokemon. This is a pokemon fanfic thread, If you want to write about yyh then go to the non pokemon fic page.

Sorry if I sounded too harsh.

 

[katiekitten]

Not too bad, Sky. But it's better if you put a good point in your review too.

Anyways...

...You might want to take a peeky at the fanfic rules, concerning script fics. And the Advice for Aspiring Authors. It's a good narative, but at the moment it seems like there is a bunch of cardboard cut outs with voice overs. XD We don't know what the characters look like, or their personalities very well. A good way to show that is to put in little manerisms, such as fiddling with a sleeve, or the like. Better to write out numbers too. XD

I would seriously advise you to take a peek at the two threads I recommened.

Edit: Is this a pokemon story? If not, it needs to go in the nonpokemon fic section. =D

 

[Chaos Sneasel]

Wow, that breaks so many rules.
First of all, you're in the completely wrong spot for this. See the thing that says Non-pokemon fics? Well, here's a hint- NON-POKEMON fics go there.
Secondly- That bold font makes it hard to read [as does the actual text itself, but we're getting to that]
Finally- That was not a fic. In any way whatsoever. That was about 10 lines of horribly scripted.....bad narritation and dialogue.
[you didn't even have paragraphs]
Go read the rules and advice for aspiring authors before you try doing this again. Please- it'll help.

~Chaos Sneasel ;215;​

 

[Dragonfree]

What Chaos Sneasel said, pretty much. =/