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Zach and Bianca- Unova journey (PG 13)

what would you like to see

  • Zach catch shiny Zorua

    Votes: 2 28.6%
  • Zach/Elesa

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • Team Plasma

    Votes: 2 28.6%
  • non-unova pokemon

    Votes: 2 28.6%
  • flash and zach re-match

    Votes: 2 28.6%

  • Total voters
    7
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Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
This is a story about a boy and a girl`s journey through Unova.
Rated pg-13

Characters:
Zach: Adventurous boy, dreams of being a top champion. Pokemon: Oshawott(M), Tranquill(F), Purrloin(M), Pignite(M), Zorua(M), Snivy (M)
Bianca: Clumsy girl, dreams of being a pokemon musical star. Pokemon: Pignite(F), Emolga(F)
Flash: Boy who dreams of being champion, Zach`s rival. Pokemon: Servine(F), Timburr(M), Solosis(F)
Chase: Part of a bad team. Pokemon: Scrafty(M)
Bethany: Part of a Bad team. Pokemon: Munna (F)

Chapter 1- Beginning:
Zach woke up, and smiled. Today was the day he started his journey. He ran out of his house, and towards the lab. It took him all night to decide his choice, he wanted Oshawott. Zach ran into the lab."I pick Oshawott." he said.

"Good choice." said the professor. "The others are gone."

Zach smiled, and picked up Oshawott`s pokeball.

"Take this pokedex, and some poke balls." she said.

"See you, professor." he said, running out of the lab.

Flash looked at Zach. "Let`s battle." he said.

"Okay." said Zach. "Go, Oshawott."

"Go, Snivy." said Flash. "Tackle"

"Oshawott, tackle back." said Zach.

Snivy and Oshawott used tackle on eachother, and both flew backwards. Oshawott, and Snivy both got up, and glared at each other. Snivy used tackle again. Oshawott dodged, and used tackle. Snivy fell face down.
Snivy used tackle again. Oshawott fell down, and fainted.
Zach ran towards Oshawott, and poked him. "Oshawott?"

Oshawott got up weakly. "I forfeit." said Zach.

Flash stared at him. "You sure, Snivy could lose."

"I`m sure." said Zach.

Flash sighed. "Fine, once you got three pokemon we shall battle again."

"Deal." said Zach. He walked out of the town, he didn`t know how to catch pokemon but he would find out himself.

Zach noticed a Pidove, and used his poke dex. "So it`s a female."

"Oshawott, tackle." said Zach, guessing that would do.

Oshawott used tackle, and pidove flinched.

Zach smiled, and threw a pokeball. Pidove went inside the pokeball. The ball shook back and forth then dinged.

"I did it!" said Zach. "I caught my first pokemon."

Oshawott smiled, and looked around.

"Hi, Zach." said Bianca.

"Hi, Bianca." said Zach.

"How about we battle?" asked Bianca, smiling.

Zach nodded. "Sure, how many pokemon do you got so far?" He was hoping she didn`t have any super powerful pokemon.

"Just two." said Bianca. "Tepig, and Patrat."

"Great." said Zach. "Go Oshawott and Pidove come out to battle."

"Tepig and Patrat go." said Bianca.

Oshawott stared at Tepig for awhile, then shook his head. Tepig used tackle on Pidove. Pidove screeched, then fainted. "Pidove return." said Zach. Pidove must be weak, he thought. Oshawott used tackle on Patrat. Patrat glared, and used tackle. Oshawott used tackle again on Patrat. Patrat fall down, and fainted. Oshawott smiled, and pointed at Tepig.

Tepig looked at Patrat, and shivered with fright. I don`t want to end up like him. "Tepig! Te!" Tepig used tackle on Oshawott, hoping to knock him out. Oshawott fell down, then got up slowly. Zach got out his pokedex, and scanned Oshawott. "Hey, this is new. Oshawott use watergun!" Oshawott used water gun, and ended up soaking Tepig. Tepig fainted.

"We won! We finally won a trainer match." said Zach, smiling at Oshawott.

Oshawott nodded, and layed down wanting to rest. "Come on Oshawott, you can rest at the pokemon center."

Zach returned Oshawott, and ran towards the pokemon center. He looked around inside. "Wow! So many pokemon."

"May I help you?" asked a nurse.

"Yeah, could you help Oshawott, and Pidove?" asked Zach.

The nurse nodded, and walked off.

Zach sat down, and looked around. "Maybe someone has a Sandile."

Zach noticed Flash exiting the gym across the road. Flash must have won, I wonder who the gym leader uses. The nurse came back. "Here you go."

"Thanks!" said Zach, exiting the pokemon center. He walked to the gym, and went inside. "I challenge you." he said
 
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Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
If you guys want to see something, feel free to comment. Like new pokemon for a trainer, or a new friend/rival, the evil team, or gym battles
 
Alright, here we go.

First of all, you might want to increase the size of your posts. According to Serebii rules, they have to be at least 2 pages in Word. Secondly, paragraphs could be a little more present. Third of all, there's so far no personality. Personality is what makes x guy different from y guy. Lastly, Flash seems totally overpowered. How exactly can it Leaf Storm at its skill level? However, if you make the formatting and whatnot better, this could be a promising fic.
 

Devil's Apprentice

~Orian Adventures~
Umm, I'm kind of confused. I'm pretty sure that that's not the two pages necessary for any chapter. Also, a newly obtained snivy won't know leaf storm, and a new oshawott doesn't come with water gun. If it was a prologue, that'd be fine - but as it's called "Chapter One"...?
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
I didn`t see the two page thing, i`ll be careful next time. I`ll edit it with better moves
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
Edited, how is it now? :)
 
Better, but paragraphs are groups of sentences pertaining to the same topic. And is that even 1/2 of a Word Document page? Mind you, I'm doing a similar fic(the link should be in my sig) and it's the bare minimum but is way longer than your's.
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
This is chapter 1, so I don`t really know what to post for it. Chapter 2, 3 and the rest will be longer and more descriptive since there will be better moves
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
:p Better edit done
Guys I will start Chapter 2 tomorrow, and maybe finish on Monday. Who should he face, Corn, Cress, or Dent?
 
Again, better. Still not sure if it's long enough and there's ummmm.... about zero description. Sorry if this is too troubling, but someone who's never played B/W might not know who these Pokemon are.
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
There also has to be a space when there is a new speaker and yeah, the chapters are less than two pages. Something that annoyed me was that you pretty much used the word "said", when there are plenty of other words you can substitute it for to make your writing more interesting.

As something good for me to say about this fic, I like how you gave the boy an Oshawott since Zach is my name and Oshawott's Evolution Line is my favorite from Generation V's Starters.

One final thing, I noticed you asked who of the Striaton Gym Leaders he should face, it would make more sense for you to use the English Names, Cress, Chili & Cilan. He also has to face Cilan, unless if you come up with something different, original and interesting.
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
There also has to be a space when there is a new speaker and yeah, the chapters are less than two pages. Something that annoyed me was that you pretty much used the word "said", when there are plenty of other words you can substitute it for to make your writing more interesting.

As something good for me to say about this fic, I like how you gave the boy an Oshawott since Zach is my name and Oshawott's Evolution Line is my favorite from Generation V's Starters.

One final thing, I noticed you asked who of the Striaton Gym Leaders he should face, it would make more sense for you to use the English Names, Cress, Chili & Cilan. He also has to face Cilan, unless if you come up with something different, original and interesting.
I forgot all but Cilan`s so I accidentally put Dent :p
My eye hurts so next chapter may be delayed some
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Well, when you get the chance, change Chapter 1 so that it has where when there is a new speaker, you skip a line and so it is at least 2 pages on a Word Processor, like Microsoft Word.
 
Actually, you have to skip two lines. And a paragraph is not 1 sentence. Try for about three to seven. And don't always say said! Try remarked, commented, yelled, stuff like that.
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
I`ll fix Chapter 1 soon, but I am adding finishing touches to 2. It`s kind of bad at the beginning but near the end of 2 is good
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
Chapter 2- first badge:
Zach noticed a green haired person walking towards him. “My name is Cilan.” He said. “You must be a challenger.”

“Yes, I am.” said Zach.

“I accept your challenge.” said Cilan. “Go, Pansage.” Zach noticed a green monkey. “So that`s Pansage, go Oshawott.” Oshawott came out.

Pansage used vine whip on Oshawott. Oshawott fell down, and fainted.

“Oshawott!” said Zach, returning him. “Go, Pidove.”

Pidove came out. “Gust!” said Zach. Pidove used gust on Pansage. Pansage got hit, and flew backwards. Pansage fainted. “Good job, Pidove.” said Zach. Pidove nodded.

Cilan called out Lillipup. Zach looked at Pidove. “Use gust again.” Pidove used gust, making Lillipup fall back. Lillipup got back up, and used bite. Pidove fainted.

“We lost.” Said Zach, looking down.

Zach walked out of the gym to train his pokemon. He went towards the dream yard, then spotted a red monkey. “Who`s that?” he asked, getting out his pokedex. “Pansear, it`s a fire type.” He said, smiling. “I need to catch that. Oshawott water gun!”

Oshawott used water gun, weakening Pansear some. “Go pokéball!” said Zach, throwing a pokéball. Pansear got into the ball, and dinged. “I caught Pansear.”
Zach smiled. “Time to challenge the gym again right, Oshawott.”

“Osha!” said Oshawott.

Zach ran towards the gym excitedly. “Cilan, I challenge you to a re-match.”

“Go, Pansage.” yelled Cilan.

“Pansear, go.” yelled Zach. Zach looked at his poke dex. “Incinerate.”

Pansear used incinerate on Pansage.

Pansage panicked in fright, then fainted after being hit. Cilan called out Lillipup next.

“Pansear, take a break. Oshawott go!” yelled Zach.

Oshawott came out, and used tackle. Lillipup flew backwards, then got up. Lillipup used tackle on Oshawott. Oshawott fell down, then slowly got up. Oshawott used water gun, and Lillipup fainted.

“Congratulations, you got the trio badge.” said Cilan.

Zach smiled, and took the badge. “Thanks.” he said, he walked to the pokemon center to heal his pokemon.

Zach walked out of the town, finding out where the next gym is.

“Zach, wait for me!” said Bianca. “We both got our first badges so why don`t we travel together for a bit?”

“Sure!” said Zach, smiling.

Zach noticed a purple cat pokemon, and scanned it. “Purrlion?” he said, looking at it. Purrloin looked at him, and hissed. It ran off.

Zach sighed, he wanted to catch Purrloin. There must be more than just that one.

Zach looked around, noticing Bianca ran off somewhere. He shrugged, and continued to walk towards the next town. Zach noticed water, and called out

Oshawott. “Enjoy it, Oshawott. I don`t think we`ll see much soon.” he looked around, hoping to spot Purrloin again.

Purrloin came out of a bush, and looked at Zach. Purrloin walked slowly towards him, and started to sniff for food. “Your hungry?” asked Zach. Purrloin nodded.

“Here!” said Zach, giving Purrloin some poke food.

Purrloin purred, and ate it. “Purr!” it said. Oshawott looked at Purrloin, and nodded. “Osha!” it pointed to one of Zach`s pokeballs. “Osha! Oshawott!”

“It wants to join?” asked Zach. “Great!” He got out a pokeball, and threw it at Purrloin.
 
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This is just my opinion, but there's no real storyline. From what I can tell, there's hardly any stuff other than beat the gyms and the Poke league. And that formatting makes it extremely unappealing, imo. You skip TWO lines after every paragraph. Also, do this on Microsoft Word. It has a lot more useful things.
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Yeah, my bad with the line skipping. It kind of is skipping two lines. Like this (and I'll just use two pieces of dialogue from Chapter 2):

“Oshawott!” said Zach, returning him. “Go, Pidove.”

Pidove came out. “Gust!” said Zach. Pidove used gust on Pansage. Pansage got hit, and flew backwards. Pansage fainted. “Good job, Pidove.” said Zach. Pidove nodded.

You also need to capitalize things and also I noticed something weird when you said "Pidove came out". Seriously, that's too dang simple. How did Pidove come out. Yes, we all know the usual song and dance for a Pokémon coming out of a Poké Ball, but you still have to explain it.

When a character yells, they would use an exclamation mark, I'd assume. When you use a period for dialogue and the actual dialogue is before the He/she said thing, you use a comma.

You also use a ', not a ` for an apostrophe.

Like magikarprules said, FANFICS HAVE TO BE AT LEAST 2 PAGES ON SOMETHING LIKE MICROSOFT WORD.

I don't know how many times we have to repeat ourselves and you keep on dishing out the exact same thing in terms of the way you're writing. Pokémon Moves (like Water Gun) also have to be capitalized as well.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP USING SAID OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! At least change it and up and say He/she said also in the beginning of the dialogue as well. You only changed it a couple of times.

Since I really don't want to see the exact same thing for Chapter 3, send it to someone like me via PM so I change it for you because you don't understand what we are saying. If you don't mind, can I change Chapters 1 & 2 as well?
 
Yeah, my bad with the line skipping. It kind of is skipping two lines. Like this (and I'll just use two pieces of dialogue from Chapter 2):

“Oshawott!” said Zach, returning him. “Go, Pidove.”

Pidove came out. “Gust!” said Zach. Pidove used gust on Pansage. Pansage got hit, and flew backwards. Pansage fainted. “Good job, Pidove.” said Zach. Pidove nodded.

You also need to capitalize things and also I noticed something weird when you said "Pidove came out". Seriously, that's too dang simple. How did Pidove come out. Yes, we all know the usual song and dance for a Pokémon coming out of a Poké Ball, but you still have to explain it.

When a character yells, they would use an exclamation mark, I'd assume. When you use a period for dialogue and the actual dialogue is before the He/she said thing, you use a comma.

You also use a ', not a ` for an apostrophe.

Like magikarprules said, FANFICS HAVE TO BE AT LEAST 2 PAGES ON SOMETHING LIKE MICROSOFT WORD.

I don't know how many times we have to repeat ourselves and you keep on dishing out the exact same thing in terms of the way you're writing. Pokémon Moves (like Water Gun) also have to be capitalized as well.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP USING SAID OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! At least change it and up and say He/she said also in the beginning of the dialogue as well. You only changed it a couple of times.

Since I really don't want to see the exact same thing for Chapter 3, send it to someone like me via PM so I change it for you because you don't understand what we are saying. If you don't mind, can I change Chapters 1 & 2 as well?

I agree with everything this guy says. Coeditors would really help you out in the long run. Maybe me and Torpoleon can team up? 'Cause we seem to be the main people helping out here.
 
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