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Deadly Renewal

Well, making my first stab at a real fic here. Comments, Criticism, and brutally tearing my fic apart are all welcome. Just make sure you do that last one politely. I also know it's short, but that's only because it's the prologue. Just a sidenote, I'm not using any in-game names for characters (Which I do not own.) Also rated PG-13 for possible blood, gore, violence, and some mild swearing. Without further ado:
Deadly Renewal
Prologue: The Beginning
Click, clack.

The sound of his high quality, leather soled shoes resonated down the empty corridor, echoing in his mind. He was walking down an unlit hallway in an abandoned laboratory. At least, that’s what most people thought. He smiled smugly to himself at the thought. Who would imagine that Cinnibar Island, abandoned thirty years ago, would be the place where the greatest criminal organization ever would begin it’s conquest?

Well, perhaps he was getting a bit ahead of himself. After all, Cipher had been ripped apart and disbanded in Orre, but now the boss claimed to have a new and better shadow pokemon, an answer to the problem that had always been their undoing in the past.

“Here, in Kanto, on an uninhabited island was the best place to be,” he had vouched in his message, “The people are completely unsuspecting, and we can wreak havoc and conquer this region before anyone has a chance to lift a finger. I may seem to be indulging in a bit of hyperbole here, but once you arrive and hear my plan, you must agree that there is no way we will be stopped.”

Naturally he had thought carefully about the letter, had reread it several times, and had come to the conclusion that the boss was almost certainly exaggerating. Regardless, he wasn’t one to pass up an opportunity, and the fact that he wasn’t involved in another criminal undertaking convinced him. Sure, it would be frustrating to travel across two regions and find out it was merely the raving of an insane old man. But it would definitely be worse to sit around without anything to accomplish.

He knew also he wouldn’t be able to put the offer out of his mind, so he finally decided to pay a visit to the man he had served under for ten years of his life. He was one of the first recruits to Cipher, an infant criminal organization at the time. He was contacted as soon as he was released from the Pyrite Town jail he was being held in for robbery. There was barely anything in the bank, and he didn’t come out with anything, so he didn’t understand how it was a robbery, but the accusation stood. He argued, in vain, that since whatever he took was returned, that it was a mere technicality, no one lost any money, and he should be judged on that fact accordingly. The judge presiding didn’t see it that way, and so he sat in a jail cell for five years. Five long, frustrating years.

Once he was out however, he received a message from a man who claimed to be the head of a new criminal organization. Naturally he joined, and quickly rose up the ranks due to his brutality and cold, calculating intelligence. He helped create the first shadow pokemon, and was one of the first owners, going about and helping overtake major cities in the desert region of Orre.

However, Team Snagem, their so called allies, were killed off by one of their own traitorous members, and he in turn pioneered the spread of snag machines. First it was only two or three, but soon men and women were popping up all over and decimating Cipher’s supply of shadow pokemon, until they were completely wiped out.


The finishing blow came when their hideout was detonated, ironically the same way Team Snagem met a similar demise. Cipher retreated into the shadows, but the boss promised that they would return. Now, ten years later, the waiting seemed to have finally come to fruition. That is, if this call was more than a hoax. He did not doubt the boss’s sincerity, but he worried, for the man was getting on in years, that he may slowly be losing the ability to think logically.

He was snapped out of his reverie when he noticed a small red pokemon, with numerous tails and a terrified expression on it’s face. It looked like an infant, the vulpix’s tails were still a creamy hue. He wasn’t aware there were pokemon reproducing in this area still, for he hadn’t seen any on the way through the island. Regardless, he strode forward, and with a bone crushing kick he launched the pokemon. The Vulpix infant screamed upon impact, hit the cement wall with a crack and fell silent, leaving a gruesome trail of blood as it literally slid off the wall and onto the cold floor.

He looked at the scene for a minute, then continued walking. The door was up ahead. It always amazed him that hallways were always so long, and that the room you went to was always on the end. However, he was quite near, and was only a few feet away from the solid oaken door, from within he could here a man, presumably his boss, muttering to himself.

He reached for the handle but drew back, better be safe then sorry. If this was a trap, he wasn’t going down easily. He pulled a .44 magnum revolver off his belt and then strode into the room. He was met by the sight of room that resembled a meticulously clean study. Books and papers were all stacked neatly, numerous syringes and vials of ominous looking liquid covered the table in neat rows, and even the three drugged pokemon along the wall were caged in alphabetical order: Bidoof, followed by a skitty and a zigzagoon.

Behind the table was a man crouched over, when he heard the door click open he bolted up to his full height, which put his head roughly at the visitor's elbow. He slid his glasses up on his nose, squinted, and then broke into a huge smile. “Argon, you’re here,” he said jovially, rounding the table and shaking his had with unbridled enthusiasm. “So very good of you to come,” he continued, and then grew serious. “Now is not the time for pleasantries though, close the door, for what I’m about to tell you is a vital secret. So, I turned around and locked the door.
***
The vulpix moaned, her side was in agony. She couldn’t bear to look at the bloody mess her body was, and so she turned toward the door. Her breathing was coming quickly, and her vision beginning to flicker, but she heard a loud thump against the solid door and a deep roar, followed by an inhuman scream. Then, her eyes closed, and all was silent.
 
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haitianzero

Active Member
Once he was out however, he received a message from a man who claimed to be the head of a new criminal organization. Naturally he joined, and quickly rose up the ranks due to his brutality and cold, calculating intelligence. He helped create the first shadow pokemon, and was one of the first owners, going about and helping overtake major cities in the desert region of Orre.

I didn’t like how you just told us he had cold, calculating intelligence, instead of showing it by having scenes that would show his intelligence. Also, his brutality should be shown as well, not told, but you actually showed us this when you had Argon kick the baby vulpix.

He was snapped out of his reverie when he noticed a small red pokemon, with numerous tails and a terrified expression on it’s face. It looked like an infant, the vulpix’s tails were still a creamy hue. He wasn’t aware there were pokemon reproducing in this area still, for he hadn’t seen any on the way through the island. Regardless, he strode forward, and with a bone crushing kick he launched the pokemon. The Vulpix infant screamed upon impact, hit the cement wall with a crack and fell silent, leaving a gruesome trail of blood as it literally slid off the wall and onto the cold floor.

First, describe that the vulpix resembles a fox. That would have been an accurate description of the pokémon, since most pokémon’ s characteristics resemble actual animals. So, when you said “he noticed a small red pokémon,” you should have said he noticed a “small, red, fox-like pokémon.” Also, fox’s would yelp, instead of scream.

If this guy rose through the ranks quickly and is intelligent, why would he bother kicking a non-threatening infant pokémon for no apparent reason. There seems to be no point of an intelligent person to go ahead and kick the living daylights of an infant vulpix that didn’t appear as a threat. Why would he waste time and energy just to do that if he’s intelligent. Even though he has a brutal personality, I would understand if he told the vulpix to move and it didn’t, and then kicked it, or he walked around it, but then the vulpix tries to attack him, then he’s left to kick it out of defense, but he just did it without any motivation whatsoever. This scene seemed to be gruesome for no apparent reason except shock value.

The vulpix moaned, her side was in agony. She couldn’t bear to look at the bloody mess her body was, and so she turned toward the door. Her breathing was coming quickly, and her vision beginning to flicker, but she heard a loud thump against the solid door and a deep roar, followed by an inhuman scream. Then, her eyes closed, and all was silent.

A vulpix is a fox, so I assume they would be whining, instead of moaning.

The vulpix’s side was in agony how? What type of pain was it feeling? Was it a pulsing pain, burning pain, or etc.?

“Her breathing was coming quickly,” : You need better and exciting verbs. First of all, breathing is already a verb. Also, that sentence was too long. You need to break it up. You could have changed that portion to this:

The vulpix whined as the impact and pain from the man’s powerful kick lingered and pulsed erratically in her belly. As the delay between her breaths quickly shortened, her vision began to lose focus, causing the door in front of her to fuzz. Before everything ounce of life began to drain out of her wound, slowly accepting her fate, the vulpix heard something bang against the door. A terrifying roar rang from that direction, followed by bone-chilling scream. She tried to understand what was going on, but slowly her heavy eyes began to fall, right before she took one last breath.

Everything became silent.

Notice how I elaborate on the ending of the chapter, to give it a greater effect. Try to stretch out these moments here where you try to evoke emotions out of the reader, but do it in moderation only. Also, noticed that I separate that last sentence and made it into a new paragraph. Having "Everything became silent," by itself adds emphasis to that portion of the scene and brings a nice cliffhanger/closure to the chapter.

Overall, this story seems interesting. You have very nice descriptions that doesn't border on superfluousness. Your grammar is good and your style is decent, though I believe you need to use better, exciting, and more accurate verbs. I can't make a sound judgment as to if this a good story or not, but you made me curious about reading the next chapter. I realized I was a bit more critical of you than others in this review. I believe you write a great story, but the delivery still needs some work.

Good luck and take care.
 
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