Entropy

[Neo Duality]

Entropy simply is the triumph of death, an epitome of utter destruction, but within is also carved the universal design and expression: beauty truly never dies, for it will always resurface in another form.

Life is the noble process which turns suffering into excellence.





~
Prologue

A body lay face down, bleeding on the snow. The bloodstain widened as the snow, pure white in composition, blossomed into a deep red. A tall figure, silhouetted by the sun reflecting off the snow kicked the body, turning it over and revealing the chest riddled with bullets. The silhouette seemed to relax, seeing that Giovanni was indeed dead.

"Lieutenant Shaw?" said a nearby voice.

The silhouette turned around, revealing it's true self. A human male, about six feet tall, in his mid-twenties. A pale face, reddened by the cold with a head of long, slightly wavy artificially colored silvery-white hair touching just till the bottom of the neck. He was dressed in a long, yet not flowing sleek black overcoat, paired with dark, camo pants, just as one would see a soldier wearing but black. He clutched a large, black gun in his right hand, somewhat resembling a pistol but looked menacing, as if it could unload a siege of bullets given the slightest motivation. Two pokeballs and a great ball were strapped around his waist. Perhaps the most striking feature about this man was his cold, steely look that could petrify even the strongest of men.

"Yes, Recon?" Shaw walked towards the Scout Droid. Reconnaissance-Enabled-M54, often referred to as simply Recon, was a small, levitating machine, one that resembled a computer chip.

"Earth base called for you, sir."

"Inform them of the success of the operation. Evacuate the marines, and tell Base to send a fleet. I want this place glassed." said Shaw

"Sir, Cinnabar Island is already in a nuclear winter. I don't think we should--"

"Just do as you're told." replied Shaw, irritated.

"Acknowledged. What do we do with the body, sir?" inquired Recon.

"Salvage the cyborg parts." replied Shaw looking down at the body "Five hundred years. He was kept alive five hundred years to fulfill his futile goal of reviving Team Rocket." Shaw spat. "How pathetic"
~

Chapter one comes tomorrow, meanwhile tell me what you think, etc

 

[Breezy]

Edit: Holy hell this is tl;dr. My bad.

A body lay face down, bleeding on the snow. The bloodstain widened as the snow, pure white in composition, blossomed into a deep red.

This statement seems redundant IMO. Mostly because you repeat your words (bleed and bloodstain, and twice with snow) but also because it seems obvious that if a person is bleeding on the snow, it's going to turn the snow red. I suggest merging the two sentences instead ("A body lay face down, bleeding on the snow and turning it deep red" or something).

A tall figure, silhouetted by the sun reflecting off the snow kicked the body, turning it over and revealing the chest riddled with bullets. The silhouette seemed to relax, seeing that Giovanni was indeed dead.

You're missing a comma somewhere in the first sentence that is making your sentence more confusing than needed. Place a comma between "snow" and "kicked" to finish the parenthetical phrase you set up.

"The silhouette" at the start of your third sentence isn't needed either since we haven't changed characters -- a simple change to "he" (or whatever gender) should suffice and actually might strengthen the power behind the sentence.

The silhouette turned around, revealing it's true self. A human male, about six feet tall, in his mid-twenties. A pale face, reddened by the cold with a head of long, slightly wavy artificially colored silvery-white hair touching just till the bottom of the neck. He was dressed in a long, yet not flowing sleek black overcoat, paired with dark, camo pants, just as one would see a soldier wearing but black. He clutched a large, black gun in his right hand, somewhat resembling a pistol but looked menacing, as if it could unload a siege of bullets given the slightest motivation. Two pokeballs and a great ball were strapped around his waist. Perhaps the most striking feature about this man was his cold, steely look that could petrify even the strongest of men.

It's = its. "It's" is a contraction of "it is;" if you're indicating a possession of an "it," it would just be "its" (likewise there's no such thing as "its'").

So the longest paragraph in your prologue is an info dump of character detail? The problem with info dumping of a setting or a character is that it's easy to get lost for the author, the reader will get bored because it is so long and skip over it, and/or it stalls the action of your story.

Description of a character should usually be, har har, bled slowly throughout the story in tiny bits instead of one huge go. Not only do you get rid of painfully obvious description technique, but it makes the description more digestible to your reader. Like I said earlier, if your description is too chunky, the reader is going to skip over it to get to the action of your plot. Dropping details here and there is a more likely way to get your reader to read character detail.

An easy way to describe a character's detail is having the character interact with the pieces on him. You don't have to do this in a short span of time; if the reader finds out that some character has the unimportant detail of having blue eyes in chapter three, that's fine. If some detail is more important to the plot or character, you may want to introduce that earlier.

Some examples:

He turned around quickly, the folds of his trench coat sweeping around his legs.

"Salvage the cyborg parts," replied Shaw looking down at the body, loose strands of silvery-white hair brushing past his cheek.​

Since this is a prologue, it's not necessary to describe your character because it's just setting up the story rather than the characters. You have a whole story to describe your story; what's important is to focus on the background information needed to make the rest of the story make sense.


In terms of plot, though, your story holds a very interesting concept. We're obviously in some sort of high-tech time period, though I did find the concept of Giovanni being alive for five-hundred years a bit too bewildering even with if he did become some sort of cyborg. Made me question how he was kept preserved, or at least alive, for that long until that sort of technology came about ... or if he were dead once and frozen and brought to life later when they had the technology or ... whatever.

Shaw is kind of your stereotypical action hero (or maybe he's a bad guy?), so I hope you do develop him past this macho exterior and expand more on it, whether it's further developing how kind of deranged he seems in relations to Giovanni and Team Rocket (at least IMO. I can totally see an amazing character if you have him somewhat obsessive over his job or what his job is doing) or having him have a characteristic that is kind of anti-macho.

You do need to refocus on what's important and what's not important in your story. You spent too much time describing a character vs. expanding on the characters' thought processes/emotions and his actions. I think you should work the setting in a bit more past your first paragraph so we can really feel the cold/chill (in both a physical and metaphorical sense) the scene is taking place in. To give a story a certain mood, it's more important to focus on the characters and their interaction then the narrator babbling details.

You also really need to fine tune your piece. Remember to carefully proofread. A lot of your sentences are missing commas or are the wrong tense. Example:

A pale face, reddened by the cold with a head of long, slightly wavy artificially colored silvery-white hair touching just till the bottom of the neck.

This should actually be

A pale face, reddened by the cold, with a head of long, slightly wavy artificially colored silvery-white hair touched just till the bottom of the neck.

You're also throw in unnecessary words. To use the above example again, you could have used something like "barely touched the bottom of his neck" rather than "touched just til the bottom."

Tl;dr: Your plot is developed, and to an extent your characters are as well, but you need to go back to basics and work on the way you describe and sentence syntax.

 

[GastlyMan]

Okay, Breezy basically covered everything but I will say this.

Shaw spat. "How pathetic"

You need a period or an exclamation mark, or something, after pathetic.

While I agree that your sentences could be formatted a little bit better, I thought that this was pretty good. I like your imagery, characters, etc.

Giovanni's existence as a cyborg is definitely an interesting concept.

 

[Neo Duality]

Thanks for your help guys. I'll redo the prologue today, since I originally wrote it half-asleep.

 

[Jabberwocky]

So... this is the epic fic you boasted about on BMGf? Seriously? Not even a bloody page on MS Word?

By the way, at the end of a character's line, you should put a comma before the quotation marks, not a period.