Falsebound Chains

[ShadowCloud62]

Okay, this is my first actual Pokemon work. I was going to put it on Fanfiction.net, but I'll see how it goes here first.
BEFORE ANYTHING
Rated: PG-13 for some mild swearing and violence
Title: Falsebound Chains
Author: Uh...me, ShadowCloud62, hello?!
*I AM A TERRIBLE WRITER, SO DON'T FLAME ME ABOUT IT, I ALREADY KNOW THAT*
In fact, if you have nothing nice to say, then don't post, if you do, go ahead.
Summary: The future is filled with more technology, and it seems technology is overthrowing the human race. As a pokemon not interested in technology or advanced things, a young and witty Latias learns of an ancient battleground that rests under the city she resides. Then, when a failure in technology causes a blackout and the entire population of humans disappear, it is up to Latias to determine what really caused the blackout.
(I know, it's sounds dull)

Prologue
Location: Alto Mare, year 2050

Alto Mare really has changed, thought Latias as she soared across the sky faster than the speed of light. She had to travel that fast so no one would see her. She was a Legendary, after all.

Alto Mare began as a well organized city of people, and buildings, even a few shrines. But now...now that's over. Now it's just a bunch of buildings filled with computers, and even robots. Pokemon didn't live in Alto Mare, it was just her and her brother, Latios, guarding Alto Mare.

Latias saw very few humans in Alto Mare now. It was robots, floating computers for passports, and people were only there when necessary....which was barely.

Latias shook her head disapprovingly. Alto Mare was no longer Alto Mare.

Latias drew her wings to her sides as she made a steady dive to go deeper into the city. As soon as she dove, she flew even faster, streaking past the robots and making them short-circuit with her supersonic speed.

Smirking, Latias said to herself, "That's what you get for playing in my territory."

Suddenly, Latias noticed something else streak by her.

Latias grimaced and yelled, "LATIOS!" and struggled to catch up to her older brother.

Latias hated when her brother flew, he flew too fast! She watched as Latios gracefully flapped his wings, in a steady up-and-down position, and then as he let his wings stop flapping, letting him glide across the sky.

"I told you to glide!" Latios said, winking at her.

Latias was still rather young, and she always flapped her wings uncontrollably, just like a Pidgey.

"Shut up, brother!" Latias exclaimed, "I can't do it as well as you!"

"Well, then I guess you'll be the rotten pokemon egg when I race ya home!" Latios grinned and flew even faster than Latias.

"LAAAAAAAATIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOSSSSS!" Latias' yell rang through Alto Mare.






I know, terrible prologue, but chapter one will begin with the research on the old battleground, and the bond between Latias and Latios.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Heya! Looks like you've made a great start here. Certainly the originality factor has hit the ceiling, set up a ladder on the roof and started climbing!

The Latias/Latios sister/brother relationship is cute and entertaining, though I recommend you cut down on the amount of capitalisation and exclamation marks you use. Using this things in excess makes a fic look exaggerated and rather childish. Instead, if you write the rest of your fic with moderation and control, single our double exclamation marks, coupled with italics, stand out just fine. Sure, a few spots of captilisation for incredibly powerful bits are alright, but in a short chapter with little else to stand out against, the amount of emphasis you've put on Latias's scream is overdoing it.

Which brings me to the length. Prologues are allowed to be short so what you've done so far is permissable, but for actual chapters, I think the rules say that the minimum is a full page in Word. If you don't meet that cut off, you run the risk of your story being closed. -_- don't worry it's not that hard to do!

Also, try to avoid using the same word too often. 'Flapped', for example, has been used, IMO, too often in the section where Latias and Latios were flying together. I'd suggest changing

She watched as Latios gracefully flapped his wings, in a steady up-and-down position, and then as he let his wings stop flapping, letting him glide across the sky.

to

She watched as Latios gracefully beathis wings in a steady up-and-down position, and then as he [Bstilled their movement[/B], letting him glide across the sky.

because 'let' and 'letting' had been used too much as well.

Anyway, cute start and highly imaginative concept. You've got an excellent start here - put it to good use! Have fun and good luck with the next chapter!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[ShadowCloud62]

Thank you, Pinecone Tortoise. Now that you've let me know of my flaws, I realize you're right. I still have quite a bit to learn.
But thanks again!
Now, to chapter one!

Chapter One: His Vow

"Are you done whining yet?" Latios said, yawning, "you've been whining about me winning the race home for hours now."

The clock in Alto Mare struck nine in the evening, and the two Lati siblings rested within the dark, empty space just under the clock. Alto Mare citizens planned for a long time to save that space to make a Dragonite statue, except no one ever followed through with it. Besides, after Alto Mare's dramatic change over the years, the clock tower hole was the only home Latios and Latias had.

"Be quiet," Latias scowled, her golden eyes blazing in annoyance and anger, "I don't like when you rub it in. And that is exactly what you did."

"Man, it seems like you've never matured at all after all these years of living." Latios said as he took the last bit of PokeFruit he had left and began chewing loudly, "Latias, you have to grow up and accept that I'm older than you. Whether you like it or not, we're siblings and we're stuck together."

"But just because you're older does not make you more mature." Latias pointed out, smirking.

Latios grinned, "You're right. Sometimes I'm just as much a baby as you."

Latias laughed, then paused. Alto Mare's changed, so why didn't Latios and I change?

"Latios?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are we still living here?"

"Huh? Because it's our home, that's why." Latios was slightly taken aback by his younger sister's question.

"It is not our home, brother," Latias said, her voice becoming stronger as she enunciated every word she spoke, "Alto Mare was peaceful and filled with water, now it is a technological dump. I don't like it here anymore. I think we should leave."

"Leave?!" Latios almost choked on his own fruit, "But where would we go?!" he sputtered.

"Anywhere but here." Latias said, "I mean, don't you hate it here?"

Latios stood quiet. He honestly thought the same way his sister did. But he made a promise to protect his sister, even if it meant isolating her in Alto Mare for the rest of their lives here. He couldn't just leave, what would happen to him, and Latias, then?

"I do hate it here," he said finally, "but we cannot leave."

"Why not?" Latias demanded.

"I..." Latios couldn't possibly tell Latias about his vow. If he did, Latias would throw a fit and then get into a huge speech about her being just as independent as he was.

"I just think we should stay, I'm used to it here," Latios spoke. He knew Latias could be powerful on her own, but Latios just wasn't ready to just let her go like that yet. He needed her....possibly more then she needed him.

Latias sighed in surrender, "Fine..."

***

"I wonder where Latios is, I didn't see him when I woke up this morning..." Latias said as she flew at blinding speed the next day. She had looked in the suburban Alto Mare, the urban part, and the clock tower, but she couldn't find Latios anywhere. She was currently in Alto Mare Park.

"Latios!" Latias called out worriedly. Latios never went anywhere without telling her first.

"Latios! Where are you?!"

Latias zoomed past the trees, making half the leaves fly off. She knew she was flying dangerously low, but right now she was focused on finding Latios.

"Latios! Come on, stop kidding around! I know you're here!" Latias shouted.

Latias suddenly realized she was flying too fast. Faster than Latios could ever fly. And just in front of her was a large weeping willow.

Latias tried to brake, but she was out of control. She closed her eyes and braced herself for what was coming next.

The blow never came. Latias felt something carry her weight higher into the sky. She was safe.

"I told you not to fly that fast!" a familiar voice said beside her after Latias began to fly her usual speed again.

Latias glanced over at her older brother, "I was worried about you! I couldn't find you!"

"Latias, I'd never leave you alone unless I had a reason! I was only getting us more PokeFruit for us to eat tonight!" Latios' eyes blazed with anger, and something else Latias couldn't quite recognize.

Latias sighed, "Sorry, brother. I just got worried."

Typical, Latios grinned to himself, we always worry about each other. Ever since he made his vow, he became more of a father to her instead of a brother.

"Well, from now on, I'll tell you everything, even if I'm just getting food for us." he promised.

"Really?"

"Sure, but only if you tell me where you're going."

Latias grinned, "No problem....no problem....."

Latios winked, "Race ya." he zoomed past her, faster than her.

Latias gaped in shock, then became angry as she struggled to keep up, "Latiooooooossssssss!" she growled.




To be continued (for now)

Pretty bad, eh? Don't worry!
CHAPTER TWO-WHAT TO EXPECT
-Latias and her confrontation with a Legendary (not revealing who yet)
-Latios' vow, and how it affects his lifestyle and protectiveness with Latias
-Latias trying to save Alto Mare
and...
-The blackout!!! That's where the mystery begins!!!!

Until next chapter! SC62 OUT!