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Freedom!

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R

rybo5000

<- so cute <3
This is just some random thing, has no plot what so ever. Even I dont know whats going to happen lol!

Prolouge

Violet struggled through the air as fast as she could. She flapped her giant wings, dodging the trees until eventually it was too much strain. He fell, quickly to the floor and landed, hard, on a rock. She lay still and waited for death but it did not come.

She slowly turned her head and looked at her left wing, it had a large tore in it and a burn as well.

She cried in pain but not because of her wounds but because of the emotional pain.
Her son, her only son was lost forever. Though she was not usually a religious pokemon she pray, prayed for her son’s safe return.

“Please Mew, I don’t know if you can hear me but I just need to know he’s ok,” she whispered, “Please Mew, save my son.”

She slowly closed her eyes and became still. Death had finally overcome her. Death had found her at last.

END PROLOUGE



OK if you thought it was good please say, if not please provide a reason and YES i know it's short but chapters will be A LOT longer promise.
This is probably going to be my most popular fanfic, because apparently my other two are crap! lol
Bye Rybo5000 ;385;
 
This is having the exact same problems as previous, did you not read the examples for description I gave? This is how your fanfiction reads:

Try to. Fly bit. Not very. Ooo Hole.

It is disjointed and not flowing correctly stoppingly pointlessly every few words and just skimps completely.

I'd rather be continuing to tighten up Collector right now but this ONCE I will take this and show you how to actually make it decent. I expect that you don't just copy and paste this or alter the words slightly. It is an example since explaining things clearly is not working.


Little violet was struggling through the air as fast as her oversized wings would allow for weaving in and out the foliage in final desperate bid for escape. With muscles reaching their limit in shoulder and breast, branches starting to clip feathers only then did the vanity of her mission become clear.

With the shrillest of cries into the surrounds, the small body plummets without any grace or little more ease than given to a sinking rock, ironically straight into.


Oh long for the pain to cease for those tear streamed eyes, the sickening crack still echoed in skull already causing vision to fuzz and dim yet t’was not the will to come yet, to grant.

Struggling even to lift her neck with the muscles wrenched so furiously, her left wing loosely flops into view with clear bone breakage, unsalvageable clearly with such a gaping wound in the flesh beneath.


Another cry would leave her but not for her own mortality, nay, the mother’s own love for a child who no doubt is now lost. Oh how she prays for him, her life remaining to see him through.

‘Oh mother of all,’ she whispers between the damp streams down her face, ‘our beloved, please, if you can hear my prayers; tell me that he is all right. Please, tell me that my son is all right, that he made it. Please oh mother, please oh Mew!’


As the light begins to darken in eyes and beat, the cool chill of forgiveness eased life carefully from her body. Gentle whispers soothing until at last, she would still.
Click to expand...

Sides from the fact I used more old language, think it's purely because of what I'm writting can we clearly see the emotion captured better here. None of this stop start business, reality melding with belief and heart.

Course I have absolutely no diea what the HELL is going on really so I had to wing it. Here's hoping it sinks in a little better.

Sandra
 
Rybo5000, now I'm starting to get the feeling that you're just posting for the hell of it. You're clearly ignoring any advice given, even when it's stapled on your forehead, to quote Yams.

PLAN YOUR STORY OUT BEFORE YOU POST.

"i don n0 wuts gon hapenn lolz!111!"

The Advice thread is just enough to get you started. Please use adjectives and other forms of description. We, the readers can't see what's going on in your head. Play your chapters through your head like a thirty minute tv show. That will help you with the description, and if you don't have thirty minutes worth of events or dialogue, then don't post.
 
Zephyr Flare said:
This is having the exact same problems as previous, did you not read the examples for description I gave? This is how your fanfiction reads:

Try to. Fly bit. Not very. Ooo Hole.

It is disjointed and not flowing correctly stoppingly pointlessly every few words and just skimps completely.

I'd rather be continuing to tighten up Collector right now but this ONCE I will take this and show you how to actually make it decent. I expect that you don't just copy and paste this or alter the words slightly. It is an example since explaining things clearly is not working.




Sides from the fact I used more old language, think it's purely because of what I'm writting can we clearly see the emotion captured better here. None of this stop start business, reality melding with belief and heart.

Course I have absolutely no diea what the HELL is going on really so I had to wing it. Here's hoping it sinks in a little better.

Sandra
Click to expand...

What you posted would not work anyway, this pokemon does not have feathers!
But still good anyhow, plus to person above ^ i now do know what my story line will be so :P
bye,
Rybo5000
 
rybo5000 said:
What you posted would not work anyway, this pokemon does not have feathers!
Click to expand...

What Sandra posted is a great deal more interesting than your short 'I wrote this in the reply box' crap. Stop doing that and actually take the advice. Sheesh, you whined no one was helping you, and yet look, every time you ladiifreakingda post, you IGNORE the help. Stop being such a blind baby grasping for praise you shall not, nor do you, deserve.
 
Well that was certainly rather rude, I even added:

Course I have absolutely no idea what the HELL is going on really so I had to wing it. Here's hoping it sinks in a little better.
Click to expand...

I'm not inside your head so I won't know will I? Could we in future be a little more grateful for advice and the time taken to do something rather than just say "Well it's nothing like that but its good". Honestly.

You started writting before you had any idea why? Oh dear.

I never even got an answer to my question ehre on top of that lack of gratitude, joy to the world. Still having this tiny little spec of vain hope though, don't ruin it ¬¬


Sandra
 
ok who can close this thread?
can a mod or someone close it cos im not going to bother carrying on with this one :)
sorry if you thought i was being rude i do appreciate advice!
 
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