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Help me please :(

Mechtaur

The Sexy Kitty Cat
I have been working on a fic for a while but it hasnt been coming along that great. I suck at detail and need a little help. I am not in any way asking for someone to write it for me, I just require a little help and maybe a beta reader. Below is a preview (I cant do spoiler tags :()











We see Pewter City during the early hours of sunrise. The town is bathed in a golden light as the sun peeks over Mt. Moon, a tall mountain that was famous for its population of Clefairy, a short mammal that had small wings, short stubby arms and legs, curly hair, and small pointy ears. This town was home to a promising young soon to be Poke’mon trainer. His name was Matt Gibson, he was ten years old, had dark brown hair, hazel eyes, an iron will to succeed and didn’t take cruelty very kindly.

At the early age of ten years old, he was now able to be registered into the Poke’mon League. He was currently going to a Poke’mon school to learn how to battle more efficiently. He learned that in order to pass the finals, he would have to capture a wild Poke’mon to use in battle. Matt loved the idea and started thinking about what he would capture. After waking up early, he took the pet Vulpix that one of Matt’s older brothers had found on his adventure through Kanto, the Vulpix was a small fox shaped creature with six curly tails and an arsenal of devastating fire attacks. After arriving at the base of Mt. Moon, Matt started thinking about what was inside before wandering in. After a couple minutes of thinking, he decided that he would capture the first thing he defeated.

Shortly after walking in, Matt had Vulpix send a couple flares to light the place up. Vulpix shot out several small flames and made visibility easier. Finally, after about an hour of searching, Matt noticed something shuffling around in the corner of a small room. Matt ordered Vulpix to send out another flare in order to get a better look. Vulpix shot out another flame and showed what was hiding in the darkness.
 

PDL

disenchanted
What you seem to have so far is the summary of the basic plot. What I suggest you do is to show your characters through description and action rather then simply tell about them. Use imagery and other stuff.

To get a better idea how to do this, imagine yourself in the story, perhaps as the main character or an omnipotent, but invisible observer. How does the characters involved feel? what is happening right now? these are some of the things that can be addressed.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... You know there is nothing different between this and your PARAS fanfic. Only, it's shorter and has even more of the I wrote this up in three minutes in the reply box! after taste. And like PDL said, this is a summary more than a chapter, or a prologue. And a pretty crummy one at that. Go, take your time, put effort into it, and use a word/writing program.

Sheesh.

Read Advice for Aspiring Authors too. Like I've told you. What, twice already?
 

Mechtaur

The Sexy Kitty Cat
-_-; That is my PARAS fic, plus that was a small piece of the prologue and I restarted a large amount of my fic a while ago. Right now, I am just trying to get everything to fit together before I start adding in detail. I know that this sounds like a weak excuse, but I swear on my account its the truth.
 
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Tezza

Bird Master
Invest emotion into your characters. While it is a valid style of writing if you're clever, try not to use an Almighty-Deity way of writing. Basically you're sitting in the sky, looking down and writing what you see. Rather, why not sit behind Matt's eyes and tell us what he sees, run through his actions as you would in real time. Tell us he thinks, what he feels, how Pewter has impacted on him as a child.

You're jumping from action to action, there's no flow. I'm just be propelled along and I just don't care. One of the tricks I tell people is when you've got nothing better to do, narrate your life. In your head pretend to write out your actions as you wash the dishes or hang out the washing.

Too many writers just kind plonk down a character and build up the world from there. He has no specific history, no life before Pokemon. He didn't play on any sports teams or have any friends at school, no hiding places around town where they'd just hang out to get away from parents. Build out, rather than up. Flesh out the world and the way it works.

Don't worry too much about describing Pokemon. You're posting in a forum for readers who love the world enough to write about it, chances are they know about what vulpix looks like. I know I'd probably skip over those lines if I was reading.

Make sure every chapter has a plot, a reason for us to read to the end. Make sure each chapter has an introduction, where the characters are at that point, how they got their, their state of mind and so forth. Ease us into the chapter, build up the scene with things that might not matter to the story. Maybe he's out collecting wood for the fire, or just resting in the shade during the middle of the day. Then lead into a problem or conflict. Something exciting, something fun, something that makes us want to read to find out. Avoid Pokemon battles, they rarely mean life or death and runins with Team Rocket doppleganges, boring. Bring us something new. A cave it, chased by a Graveller hurling stones at Matt's head! Something, anything. Then make sure draw to either a conclusion where your problem is resolved in an exciting way. Throw problems in Matt's path, lots of them so we can see how he reacts. Introduction, conflict, resolution. That will build up chapter length.

Personally I've always thought Pokemon school's were a bit of a pull, what with a world of science, geography and maths far more important than learning how to throw a ball. If it was a summer school or camp or whatever American's have that be more realistic.

Also, get rid of the comma in Pokemon. We know that the e should be accented so it's alright.

Lastly, don't write your story in dialogue boxes on forums. Either do it on a word program wear you're offline and you can come back to it day after day to make it perfect, or even better write it in a notebook. Things on paper have a marvellous effect of gelling details in your head. I have the entirety of the first version of my old fanfiction in four spiral bound notebooks somewhere in my room.

There you go, good luck.
 
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Mechtaur

The Sexy Kitty Cat
Thank you Tezza. I will work on stuff like that in the next couple days.

By the way. Why did you type a section of my fic in the last part of your post? (just curious)
 

Tezza

Bird Master
When I review I usually copy and past it into the text box so I don't have to keep scrolling up and down. Sorry mate, fixed it up.
 

Tezza

Bird Master
Okay, if you have MS Word you'll have a word counter. Aim for 2500 words a chapter at least. Forget using the 'page' way to count how well your doing cos how many pages you write changes with the font and the size and the double paragraphing.
 

Sammi

Banned
Strange. I know someone named Matt Gibson.

Anyway, this... It would be an ideal fanfiction, if only...

You added heaps of description...

Truely, I must admit, if it hadn't been for critics like Yami Ryu, who were around, I would have been... Worth reading, I should say. But now, people actually read the stuff I type in. And guess what? All I was lacking...

Description, I should say.

Just try at that. Instead of something oh so plain and ear hurting as...

"Chururu was happy. She ran arounf being happy."

Oh... Oh my. That was crappy wasn't it? Whay don't we turn it up a notch...

"Bouncing around uncontrollably, giggling like an Igglybuff, Chururu sprang all over the room, excited about what was about to come."

Oooh, that' better... At least I shall I think. =D

Now for characters...

Honestly, Mechtaur, I prefer more of the "unique" name. Matt...

How utterly common.

Of course, you don't have to re-name him. It's not... Bad bad. But just unoriginal. I'd prefer... Something strange. I could have named Chururu "Ashley".

Too common, no?

So Chururu is... Not often heard of. As my own actual name, although I hate it. "Samadhi". You don't hear that too often, now do you?

Also, made up towns can be nice. But they are un-needed. It neither makes it better or worse. Simply a cruddy suggestion from a cruddy eleven year old, such as I.

Also, I find that your Characters are flat. I have problems with that too, so I don't have much to say there, I apologise for my uselessness, Mechtaur.

Chururu is pretty much a cookie loving Raichu, no?

Well... I guess yiu should add some intresting facts about you character. Reveal them later. Like, in Chapter 1 of [ C.h.a.o.s. ], my most active fanfiction, it reveals that Chururu and Charara, and Raichu and a Charizard, have crushes on each other.

I'm absolutely idiotic, I know. You have no need to say anymore. If you do, I shall be the first to scream in your... Hair. o_O

And quite a few tips for upcomingness...

Always have a reason the chapter is there. No, no normal life. As an example...

Chapter 1 - Chururu discovers the secret behind team Rocket, how they started, and why.

Chapter 2 - Chururu meets up with her five team mates, to go investigate, as they are intrested in team Rocket's affairs.

Chapter 3 - Chururu and her friends fall in deep danger. Stuck in a lap of deformed Pokemon, failed expiriments of when Team Rocket tryed to make "Unbeatable Pokemon"


And so on...

Anyway, I hope my little review help. Sayonara, for now.

Edit: By the way, before I start hating you for not reading the fanfction rules and advice for aspiring authors...

Read them of die.

Seriously, in a day, I ahve seen more than a freakign 10 fanfics that break oh so many rules. They were this long:






.... Yeah. Short. Six lines. ;-;

Sad isn't it...? They weren;t even spaced out, had capitals, or puntuation(spelling...?).

liz at a sanwich
hellomum she sayd to er no

Yeqah. That bad.
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Mechtaur, your other posting, is longer than this.

We see Pewter City during the early hours of sunrise. The town is bathed in a golden light as the sun peeks over Mt. Moon. This town was home to a promising young soon to be Poke’mon trainer. His name was Matt Gibson, he was ten years old, had dark brown hair, hazel eyes, an iron will to succeed and didn’t take cruelty very kindly. He had grown up in a poor family and didn’t have many chances to do as much as the other kids that grew up around him. He was the youngest of his family of nine children and had a twin sister, Katie. All of his brothers and sisters had moved out with the exception of his sister. He had already lost one of his sisters, Trina. His parents were towards their late fifties so Matt, being the only one with a Poke’mon he had to help defend his home which had been raided a couple times before. This kept him from leaving, but he wouldn’t be able to help them anymore for he was about to embark on his own journey to become a Poke’mon master.

At the early age of ten years old, he was now able to be registered into the Poke’mon League. After waking up from a good nights sleep, he woke up his only Poke’mon, a Paras named Mechtaur. Matt captured his Paras after finding it in a closed off tunnel inside Mt. Moon, when he brought it out into the sun light, he found out that it had gotten hold of a new type of mushroom. This new one had a jet-black body with dark crimson spots placed on it randomly.

His parents had witnessed him in a couple battles against the wild Poke’mon around their house and had suggested that he become a Poke’mon trainer, Matt was a little hesitant at this suggestion, but after a while he agreed. After finishing his breakfast, he started on his adventure towards Professor Oaks Laboratory, he said good bye to his family and left with Mechtaur at his side.

Oh noez. My fault. They're the SAME EXACT LENGTH :/

And in the thread that has that in it, I gave you advice on how to get better.

I gave you advice what, twice already? Where is it? Oh yeah, you deleted the threads. Why should anyone offer you advice, or praise, if you show you don't want to get better?

:/


Quote:
And, when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of Heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.
- William Shakespeare

You know just random quoting does not get you points. Does, overall, the quote hold a bit of fact, or revelance to the prologue/chapter/story? Does it give some insight? Or is it there to try and make it look flashy :/ no points there.


Quote:
His parents were towards their late fifties, so Matt, being the only one with a Poke’mon, had to defend his home. But he wouldn’t be able to do it anymore for he was about to embark on his own journey to become a Pokemon master.

So how does his parents age come into factor? And the fact he's only ten, and has a single pokemon. He defends his siblings, his parents, and his house from what, random trainers? Pokemon? I would think if he was their sole defence the kid wouldn't be selfish and go on a journey, nor would he be allowed too. And WHAT parents would make a kid guard/protect them? I know, even though my parents are getting on in their years, and aren't exactly the most loving parents, they would sacrifice their safety/risk their lives, to protect me :/

Even for a Prologue, it still felt rushed, short and shallow. Paras are also slow- I should know, I've tried raising one. How will he defend himself against faster opponents? How would he defend himself against anyone really- that's why the starters are there, they're reasonably fast, strong and have decent stats.

You could have put more thought and backstory as to why the boy couldn't get a normal starter, how he was able to traverse Mt Moon without being caught/attacked/etc, that in itself could have been a chapter, or part of the prologue. But you leave out the parts that could make it interesting, leave in the rushed bits with tacky detailing that make the prologue come off as uninteresting and run of the mill trainer fic, and I bet, once again, you just delete the thread.

;/ I hope you love having a closed mind so much.

You've been given advice ten times over. Finally accept it and improve, Mechtaur.
 

Sammi

Banned
You've been given advice ten times over. Finally accept it and improve, Mechtaur.

If you do not accept your reviewer's help, you wi;ll not improve, and therefore not be approved in the... Perhaps "Fanfiction World"...?

If I did not take advice, I would suck so badly I'd... Say....

djkshfkjdks.

Yes. =D

Anyway, why would you say "Help me please :(" if you don't want to accept advice. I mean, maybe Yami Ryu was... How you way... Harsh. But she isn't the least bit of an arse hole. She helps much. =D

Maybe she discourages you. I felt teh same way when she first reviewed me. Get over it, dude(tte), she's only trying to help.

I will speak for Yami and say "too late".

Rofl... She may have a bit of temper, or not. It may just seem like that on the net. If you take advice, she'll most likely be nicer. =D
 
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Mechtaur

The Sexy Kitty Cat
Well, I am improving. I have made several modifications to my fic. Its a lot different than what is posted. I have added a lot of detail and am still improving it. Personally, I would like to see this closed before it becomes another argument like my last fic thread.
 

Sammi

Banned
I'm glad to hear you think that you are improving. Hopefully, you do. Many start out a bit... Out of line, I must say, but then they get COMPLETELY in line! Go for it =D

Don't give up!
 
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