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Legacy

J

Junk Man.exe

Member
I'm a noob who has his own story to give all you little boys and girls! Yay!

Legacy is a story that will take place in alternate timelines. There'll be 4 different timelines used, and the fifth part of the story will tie everything together. Everything else is a trainer story told by several different people. And this takes place in each GB version first, fyi.

And here's the prolouge!

PROLOUGE

Pokemon. One word that describes this world.

Different...things...that control the elements. Humans can be counted as a species, but we're special. Our 'special ability' is to control and bond with other Pokemon, and bend them to our will. Anybody's will.

I hate pokemon battles.

Pokemon. My life!

I can't live without 'em! I've been waiting my whole life to earn the right to own my very own Pokemon! That day is soon at hand, too. Tomorrow, I'll be able to use my own Pokemon and travel around, fighting- no, STRIVING, to be the champ of the Official Pokemon Battle League.

I live for Pokemon battles.

Meh, Pokemon, sure. They're okay, but I mostly care about humans, people, trainers, etcetera.

I'm moving from Johto to another country. My mom and I packed everything we could to follow my dad; the new Petalburg City Gym Leader. I'll miss my friends, but there's always e-mail!

I don't give a darn about Pokemon battles.

I'm Alex Michaels, but my friend calls me Gold.

M'name's Alex, but call me Red. My nickname.

Hi, I'm Alex. Now get out of my face.

~Commentary~
Yes, like my other fan fic on another forum(pm me if you want to know where it is), I'm putting this section at the end of every chapter to explain stuff.

I made all of my characters Alex Michaels to create a sort of link between them; they all have the same mission predetermined for them. I'll go in-depth with that some other time.

There's not much to say here, except GSC guy doesn't like fighting, RBY guy's hyper and RSE guy's not really into pokemon.

Two chapters into the story I'll really explain more about the overall plot, so sit tight. This trainer story's got a twist. This is Junk Man.exe, signing off. ;026; ;222; ;201-m;​
 
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Its kinda cool, although a little hard to comprehend with the alternating of characters, but I'm sure I'll pick it up.

This sentence really caught my attention more than any other in the story.

Different...things...that control the elements. Humans can be counted as a species, but we're special. Our 'special ability' is to control and bond with other Pokemon, and bend them to our will. Anybody's will.
Click to expand...

It just seems a little more thought out than any of the other parts of the story, hopefully you can create more interesting parts like the one I just put.

Anyways, its cool. Keep it up.
 
I don't think you should do that. I mean if you're going to be switching views of different people to tell the tale of one person, wouldn't it be better to have it constant first or third, centered around, sorta duh, the main character.

And what the hell is with the prologue, it came off as half baked and half assed, a jumbled tangled web of thoughts from not one person, but atleast two. This was less of a prologue and more of a ramble. I suggest you read Advice for Aspiring Authors, to give you a better hint, and grasp, at writing.
 
I like the concept, and I wanna see where it goes. But the Prologue was definitely "wtf?"

I'd suggest putting the thoughts of different characters in different colors or something in instances like that.
 
To Yami Ryu: This IS NOT the story of one person, it's about THREE different people with connections through alternate timelines(meaning they live in parallel universes, and are kinda the same person. If you were paying attention you'd notice I even said that they all have the same mission predetermined for them. Nobody ever reads my commentary:/).

To porygon181: I tried to make them different colors, but only gold came out correctly. Should I use green for Ruby's story(ie. Emerald)? I guess I'll be editing stuff now.
 
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Wait let me get this straight, you made a trainer story; or are making one. And the only way to tell, at first, the differences between the rambling in the prologue is via YOU COLORING THE TEXT. And it's not even three seperate characters taking a journey together, or know eachother and are taking it seperately, but the same character; in three different times?

How the hell are you going to manage pulling that off? What, one chapter revolves around one character? What's the point? This isn't evolving a character over time from a lackluster soul who is apathetic about the world and people/pokemon in general into someone who gives a damn about someone/something.

This is a story about the same character, in three time zones/universes/para-realities, going to be told at the same time? What is the point in that? Why would anyone want to read about the same person, basically, three times over? Why would they want to wait extra time to see the hardship of one, because you have to write about the two others first?

And colored text is usually frowned upon at anyrate :/
 
Wait let me get this straight, you made a trainer story; or are making one. And the only way to tell, at first, the differences between the rambling in the prologue is via YOU COLORING THE TEXT. And it's not even three seperate characters taking a journey together, or know eachother and are taking it seperately, but the same character; in three different times?

How the hell are you going to manage pulling that off? What, one chapter revolves around one character? What's the point? This isn't evolving a character over time from a lackluster soul who is apathetic about the world and people/pokemon in general into someone who gives a damn about someone/something.

This is a story about the same character, in three time zones/universes/para-realities, going to be told at the same time? What is the point in that? Why would anyone want to read about the same person, basically, three times over? Why would they want to wait extra time to see the hardship of one, because you have to write about the two others first?

And colored text is usually frowned upon at anyrate :/
Click to expand...

No, I'm pretty sure the idea he's trying to get across is that they are three very different people, but they're linked just in that the lives they live are kinda similar. Kinda like Grandfather/Father/Son, is the vibe I'm feeling. Have you ever read Yellow Raft on Blue Water? A novel that had that concept and became renowned enough for my school to force me to read it. So I think this idea can work.

While the color-coding with the versions is clever enough, it's killer on the eyes. I'd probably go for like blue/gray/gold or something less bold.

At any rate, you might wanna beef up the prologue a little. The idea is solid, but one-line thoughts from each character isn't too much to go on, you know? I can totally understand why poor Yami can't grasp the idea you're trying to get across.

Haha or even if I'm not getting it.
 
Yami Ryu said:
Wait let me get this straight, you made a trainer story; or are making one. And the only way to tell, at first, the differences between the rambling in the prologue is via YOU COLORING THE TEXT. And it's not even three seperate characters taking a journey together, or know eachother and are taking it seperately, but the same character; in three different times?

How the hell are you going to manage pulling that off? What, one chapter revolves around one character? What's the point? This isn't evolving a character over time from a lackluster soul who is apathetic about the world and people/pokemon in general into someone who gives a damn about someone/something.

This is a story about the same character, in three time zones/universes/para-realities, going to be told at the same time? What is the point in that? Why would anyone want to read about the same person, basically, three times over? Why would they want to wait extra time to see the hardship of one, because you have to write about the two others first?

And colored text is usually frowned upon at anyrate :/
Click to expand...

Funny, I've seen people used colored headings to alternate the POV and it works just fine.

That aside, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no , no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

People do not usually say the word etc. in conversation, it makes it seem as though what they are talking about is unimportant.

And the chracter depth, Jesus, maybe you could steam roller them to make them more depressing and by that I mean flat and uninteresting.

More work on the next chapter, boy.
 
Whoa Junk Man... you're going to hurt your brain trying to keep up with a confusing story and plot like this. Actually, you'll have three plots in one. This is going to have too many characters. I can tell you this for a fact: your readers are going to get confused by this story. Why? Because you're going to have to be jumping between so many PoVs and that'll be too much for the reader to ingest. If you were an already skilled writer, then you'd probably be able to pull it off (even though this seems pretty difficult, even for experienced writers). If you are a neophyte writer, then I suggest you stick to one main character and one plot. Start off with less since it seems you haven't been writing that long, instead of putting too much on your plate because it sounds like a good idea, but it will probably fail in the end.

Reform while you can. I can already tell the writing catastrophe that's fated to come. I'm not trying to be mean, but this is my honest assessment of your fic. Good luck.
 
Message to everybody: I chose to write this BECAUSE it would be hard.

I will, in the future, only color the titles for each chapter.

I know that this wll be hard to keep up with, but so far every chapter will switch characters in a cycle. But that may or may not stay the same throughout the story, sometimes I need to keep them all on a certain schedule(ie. Bob gets 1st badge while Jim is on first route, one chapter away. Do a second chapter.).

I am the only person in the world who likes using etcetera in everyday chat, and I try not to sound like a jerk while saying that.

Special Yami Note: You're being too hard on me so far, so I'm on ignore mode. *IGNORE*
 
Junk Man.exe said:
Special Yami Note: You're being too hard on me so far, so I'm on ignore mode. You keep talking about stuff I've already gone over. I don't need your jelp, critiques, whatever. Don't answer this message.*IGNORE*
Click to expand...

Junk Man, sorry if I'm offending you by saying this, but this is a really immature response to Yami. Yami is pretty much hard on everyone, as far as I can see. You just have to write something that's good if you want her off your ***. I remembered when Yami hammered me about my first chapter, but after I posted the second chapter, which was better than the first, she didn't hammer me and told me what she liked about it. It's up to you to either use the abuse as a source of motivation to do better, or get discouraged and down about it. Look at it this way, at least she posted a honest comment to your fic, in a forum that has so many stalkers who read but don't comment.

I hope you can pull this off. I'll make sure to comment on your subsequent chapters as honestly as I can.

By the way, the prologue is really bad. You need to make it longer, and you need a way way better hook. In writing, they say that the first sentence, paragraph, and/or page should be gold because that's what going to draw (or not) readers to continue reading your fic. Good luck.
 
To HatianZero: About the prolouge-I wanted it to be incredibly short in the first place. Y'know, to grip your imagination and make you beg for more? Well, here's the first chapter, and I'll do commentary on it in a few days, so no questions until then unless it's a tip(I will change stuff if need be, or add stuff as well).

CHAPTER 1: Genesis-X3, pt.1​

Written by Junk Man.exe, typed by Friend~​


I wake up. My sight returns to me. I look in my mirror on the table near my bed. I’m Gold, Alex, whatever. I am me. Nothing will change that. And I’m sixteen…

I walk downstairs. “Alex!” my mother shouts as she rushes over to greet me. “Oh happy birthday, honey”, she exclaims. She hugs me too tightly.
“Argh”, I wince. “Mom! Please!”
She apologizes and walks off to get something. I go into the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast. I reach for some cereal when my mom interrupts- “Oh Alex, I already made something for you”. I put the box back and said
“Ok, thank you!”, I go over to the table to enjoy some of my favorite breakfast, french toast, with my mother.
“…I also got this for you since you’re at trainer age…”. She pulls out a few items, I knew exactly what they were going to be- a Pokèball, a Pokèball holster, and a Pokèdex. “Wow.”, I thank, trying to sound happy. “Thanks a lot, mom”, I thank again.
“You’re welcome, just go get ready to see Mr. Elm, you don’t want to be late to get your Pokèmon.” Mom looks sad and I don’t know why. Then it hits me, most kids leave this time of their lives, looking for adventure. She thinks I’m leaving. But not today I’m not.

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“Yo!” A small pebble hits my window as I’m getting dressed. “Gold wake up! I’ve been waiting since- “
“SHUT UP!”, I angrily yell out the window after opening it. “I’ll be out in a few, don’t rush me. That’s my best friend, Amber “Crystal” Elm. Yep, the daughter of the town’s foremost Pokèmon authority. She’s older than me and the only reason she’s still here is because she wants to go with me as I go around on my adventure, not that I’m agreeing.
I go down stairs and out the door. Crystal looks pretty mad. “Alex, you said that you would set your alarm to ring at eight on the dot!”
“No I didn’t! Stop making everything up all the time!... sigh, let’s just get this over with.” I did want a Pokèmon, but I was hopping she’d leave me and my new pet alone. She’s my friend and I can’t live with out her but she’s annoying.
We walk into the more industrial area of new bark town, then we are three more blocks to the Pokèmon laboratory. Mr. Elm’s lab is kinda big, since it’s the only research facility in all of johto. I call him Mr. Elm since he is my friend’s dad.
We go through security and up a floor on the elevator to his lab. There’s a kid behind us dressed in black with red hair. He pushes past us. “Hey!” crystal yells “Let it go” I open the door after him, we walk in.
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“Hello everybody!” greeted Mr. Elm
“Hello dad”.
“Hello, sir”.
“…”- the red haired guy stands still for a couple of seconds, “I’d like my Pokèmon please.” he asks in a ticked off manner.
“Ummm… sure, but what’s your name?”, Mr. Elm asks.
“JUST GIVE ME ONE!!!”
“Hey! Don’t yell at my dad like that, punk!”, yelled Crystal.
“Um, yeah!”, I walk up to the kid and lay a hand on his shoulder, “You’d better say-” Suddenly, I was up in the air, then on the ground. I clutched my stomach because that’s what hit the ground when I fell. I started up at my attacker in anger.
“Oh, that’s it!” Crystal was about to jump into action, when her dad intervened,
“NO! everybody stop! Just stop.” He walked into a second room, his research room, and brought back three chairs and two forms. He put the chairs down and gave a form to me and Red. We were motioned into the chairs and then were given pens. “You boys fill out those forms, and then you can have your trainer’s license.” A trainer’s license was needed for everything, from buying Pokèmon merchandise, to competing in Pokèmon gyms for badges, used for authority… but more on this later.
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A couple of minutes later. We were finished, but only I turned in my sheet.
“What’s wrong?” asked Mr. Elm “Aren’t you finished?” Red refused to give in his sheet “JUST GIVE ME MY POKèMON ALREADY! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”
Mr. Elm snatched out of his hand.
“You just need to put your name here, and you’re finished. You already put in everything else.” He took it back and scrawled in his name.
“THERE, HAPPY?” he was breathing heavily. “Yes, I am. Alex, John, come here.” Elm beckoned me and the red-haired guy over to the other room. I was wondering why Crystal wasn’t coming, but I pushed the thought aside. The room looked very gray, paint wise. There were computers everywhere and a few random machines, or at least it seemed that way to me. The things that were colorful were at the center of the room. There were a few Pokèballs and an egg. “Now John”, he said “you can choose anyone of these Pokèballs. “…As for you Alex,” I turned to him. “You get an egg.”
“…What…?”
“I’m just kidding”, he chuckles. “I have a special request for you. I want you and crystal to head to head out past Cherry grove to route 24. There’s a building that you need to drop this egg off by.” He gestures toward the egg.
What? Am I like his delivery boy or something? Delivering an egg!? “There’s a Pokèmon expert there who needs it; he’ll also give you something special for your troubles”, he winks. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it!
“Alright. Thank you sir.” I pick up the egg carefully and leave the room, as does Red, or John?
“See you boys!” Elm says as we leave. “Goodbye honey!”
“See ya soon, dad!” As we leave the building, Red heads off by himself in the opposite direction of us.
“I wonder what he got. Hey Crystal, by the way… what did you get?” , I asked. “You got your Pokèmon before I did.“ “Alright then, I’ll show you, but I wanted to let you see her when you got yours. Come on out, Abbie!!!” Crystal threw her Pokeball to the ground.
“…Aaaabraaa…” An Abra was sitting right in front of me.
“I got her yesterday.” Crystal smiled and exhibited a peace sign. “Well, lets get this over with already. We went toward Cherry grove town, and whatever lay ahead…

COMMENTARY!!
So. First chapter. Yeah, I suck at description.
In timeline one, I realized my dream of "hey, why should TEN YEAR OLDS be allowed to leave by themselves and travel the country?!?!". Timeline two's normal, though...
Also, all of the girls will be named Amber with a nickname, also important late in the story. And yes, all are related to professors.
Red hair guy!! His real name's not John and he's going to be a main character.
The egg from the game's also mentioned here.
The Abra's Crystal's first Polemon, since I don't like the stereotypical 'grass water fire' starter thing.
And that's about it. You may now hit me with "YOU SUCK!!"ness.​
 
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Grip the imagination? What gripping of the imagination? It's just rambling.

I wake up. My sight returns to me. I look in my mirror on the table near my bed. I’m Gold, Alex, whatever. I am me. Nothing will change that. And I’m sixteen…
Click to expand...

So his name is Alex, yet his name is also Gold. And I'm guessing, Ruby/Emerald/Red/etc... man you just love to have characters with multiple personalities or something like that.

This is also skimpy and rushed, even for first person.

I wake up]

Ooh.

Or;

Slowly I wake up as my alarm clock rings, snapping me out of my restful slumber and dreams. Yawning as I crack my eyes open and blink a few times in the early dawn light filtering through my window, I rub them slightly to help clear away the fuzz from sleep. Absently as I sit up I glance over at the mirror on my vanity, and see a sight; and with a sigh I realize I've gotten another case of bed head.

Oh. Wow. What is this?

This is called taking your time and actually trying to write something decent. This is called describing and setting up the scene; this is called gripping people and pulling them in so they can get to know your character, even if first person, and start to develop some feelings towards the character and the personality of said character.

Overall this was rushed. This is poor. This is lacking; and I feel you wrote it up in the reply box. I also feel you just want mindless praise, and completely ignored the RULES and the ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS THREAD.

There is VERY little emotion or description or interaction between the characters, just a rushed thing because you think people don't care about quality, and just want to get from point A to point Z with no breaks in between. Just because you like your stories to be trite and rushed, does not mean the people here, want it like that.

And what is so wrong with a professor actually giving out starter pokemon?

And outside of that; you didn't describe the Abra, what does it look like. What do the characters look like. Where are they situated, where is everything else, are they floating? Is there sky or the ground?

This isn't just 'you suck', this is, you're a lazy *** who doesn't want to bother.
 
Look, I'm already tired of you, so get the heck away from me. I don't care if you like this or not, I'm writing this for ME, not YOU, YR. I HATE people who act like you, critics who just yell at me. I'm tired of haters always crowding around me, and I don't care about what YOU think of the quality. Stop, just stop. I refuse to ignore you, and yet I refuse to start a flame war. But I'm not letting you bother me anymore, I don't care WHAT kind of critic you are, WHAT nationality you are, WHAT you friends think of you.

Gat the h*** out of my topic.
 
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Junk Man.exe, No matter what you think of soembody is no excuse to start snapping at them or at the very least saying get out your thread... You seem to have an issue with anything negative about your writting and taking it the complete wrong direction. Sheesh, you're not a perfect little snowflake so stop expecting to be treated like one.

I'm gonna review myself, and this time it's preferred you read, listen and learn rather than lash out. Advice is there to be taken if wanted and ulilised to get a better result after all. And if you don't like soemthing you can always ignore it.

---

First up that Prologue is VERY short, the different coloured text just looks blinding (Which given the majority of users use different forum skins, what is fine on one looks absolutely awful on another). In small doses for titles and such you can get away with it but for bulk text, using the two known colours for not being good for your eyes... yeah. I can abrely see the green on my green background, only just noticed it

It's an odd start using three different perspectives and people (Had to keep unhighlighting to work out who said what though which was annoying) though that said, it has potential. Still from that it's still a very basic three way view of the guys generating little interest other than a quirked eyebrow that reminds me a bit of an AA meeting. Not ideally the best way to hook your readership.


Moving onto the first chapter, I'm getting the impression of a speech impediment in writting. Very stop. Start. Stop. Start. with no flow between words and becoming extremely irritating to read not to mention I'm being bored. I'm struggling to read it all I'm getting THAT bored, it flows really really badly and stagnanting within a few sentances.

You're relying a lot on commentary as well which shows a lack of skill in the info handling department. If things need to be explained outside the actual chapter, something is going VERY wrong.

Go to Advice for Aspiring Authors (To save a whole lot of repeated info), read your reviews for more advice on improving, read books... LEARN how to actually stir interest from your readership. Making your auidence fall asleep isn't the best way to go nor is shouting at them.

A writer like an artist is able to conjure images and concepts in the mind of the viewers, all that starts from getting them interested in the first place which is as it stands right now, something you struggle with. I feel everything else has long been commented on.

Sandra
 
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