~Starfire~

[katkat]

Hello everyone, and welcome to ~*Starfire*~, my first fan fiction.

~*Prologue*~


When Star was an egg, 20 years ago,she lived in Mosdeep City. Until a sneasel caught her, that is. Her egg was safe and sound under a bush near the space center, until a boy with his sneasel came up the to the building. Snee! < What a day... I hope I can get something to eat soon... This guy is just torture! huh?> she smelled something.. something delicious it could only be... an egg. Without his trainer noticing, Sneasel snatched the egg and returned to his trainers side. Just as she was about to have the first bite...sneasel's trainer wanted to keep the egg, so he wouldn't let his Pokemon eat it.

While on their travels, the the egg fell out of the young trainer's backpack in the middle of the trail. He didn't notice, so he kept walking.

Then a young girl, about ten, rescued the egg from getting run over by her bike, or anyone else running over it. ( Why and egg HERE of all places... The Cycling road is no place for an egg...) she thought. "Hey, lady!" a voice from behind yelled "Stop blocking traffic and get a move on!". Okay Okay, I'll be on my way now! Just stop yelling!"

Years 20 later, after a Jirachi had hatched, the young girl was now a mother like she had been for ten years. She waited for her daughter to come down for her favorite breakfast, eggs, sausage, and hash brown for her 10th birthday. She had a surprise for her.

"Hey, mom! Hi Star!" she said excitedly. Star was tempted to pick at the hash brown, but she didn't. she knew better. "Have you chosen your starter?" her mother asked. "Mudkip." she said. Her mother stared at her. When she said that in kindergarten all the other kids laughed. But things were different, but she didn't want to take a chance,probably all those other memories of teasing racing through her mind.

"I know what it is" her mother said. Star nodded.

Nowadays Stars trainer at age 10 1/2, she and Star are in the Hoenn region, running the Phywave Gym, home to many physic and water Pokemon. She was highly respected because she was also league champion. She figured she'd run an optional gym, so she gets more battles and so she doesn't stop trainers in their tracks. It wasn't fair to have a gym that you HAVE to go to with a level 60 Jirachi is it?...Your probably wondering who Star's trainer is, aren't you?

Guess!

Notes: I know, it's a little short. But I want to see how it works out.
The Phywave gym is going to be part of the main story though.
I may seem a little serious right now, but I'll lighten up ^_^

Thank you for reading,
Katkat

 

[Yami Ryu]

Prologues can be short. Prologues are no reason to be so damn skimpy :/

I take it english is also not your first language.


Overall you need to work on pacing, description/detail/characters/yada yada. Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors AND the Rules and please don't center abuse too, it makes it a bit annoying to read.

When Star was an egg, 20 years ago,she lived in Mosdeep City. Until a sneasel caught her, that is. Sneasel's trainer wanted to keep the egg, so he wouldn't let his Pokemon eat it.

So Star was living as an egg in a city; was she rolling around randomly scaring people at a living egg?

Example: Our tale begins twenty years ago; when a young Jirachi, who had not even hatched yet, began a harrowing life. Unaware of what dangers lurked outside the thick, steel like shell that encased it, it slept on. Slowly maturing.

But as said. dangers lurked. And one grew ever closer.

“Sneee..” came hissing from a shadow, followed by a few glints, until it came out fully- its claws catching the soft glow from the cave moss, as did a gem upon it's head [or was it chest I don't remember], a dull, tattered pink feather was lodged behind an ear of the strange, jet black creature. It looked oddly cute- in a sadistic sort of way as its eyes gleamed upon the sight of the egg. Its trainer had sent it out looking for new 'friends', but instead it had found breakfast...

Yeah, an example. No you may not use. This is an example, I wrote it up just now in this damned reply box to show you that you don't have to have something short AND RUSHED.

The ending is also confusing; what the hell is going on what's happening what who what.

Explain please :/

Seriously go back, scrap this entirely, take a word program and WRITE IT OUT.

And go read Advice for Aspiring Authors.

And work on description/pacing/characters.

And so help me it better not be a Lol!Jirachi that can shift from human to pokemon and wants to be a pokemon trainer! And is named Star!

 

[katkat]

I take it english is also not your first language.

No,I'm ten...

Overall you need to work on pacing, description/detail/characters/yada yada. Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors AND the Rules and please don't center abuse too, it makes it a bit annoying to read.

Thank you for the advice. I will not center so much in the future.

So Star was living as an egg in a city; was she rolling around randomly scaring people at a living egg?

No, but thank you for reminding me to clarify.

Yeah, an example. No you may not use. This is an example, I wrote it up just now in this reply box to show you that you don't have to have something short AND RUSHED.

Thank you for the example, I will try to be better.

And so help me it better not be a Lol!Jirachi that can shift from human to pokemon and wants to be a pokemon trainer! And is named Star!

I was trying to imply I was the trainer at the end...

The ending is also confusing; what the hell is going on what's happening what who what.

It's going to be Star and I running the Phywave gym.

 

[Yami Ryu]

I was trying to imply I was the trainer at the end...

It's going to be Star and I running the Phywave gym.

No. No Self Insertion stories. Not at this age and NOT with a legendary. AND A LEVEL 100 LEGENDARY!? That you got just by chance because someone was dumb enough to lose it and not realize it?

No. Before you make one of the biggest mistakes ever- no again.

Scrap this- scrap any idea for a self insert until you are older AND have a better grasp of writing. Because self insertion can be done. Can be. Rarely but it can be.

But already you're making the WORST mistakes for a newbie writer AND a trainer fic.