Subject 3

[rybo5000]

Hi people, this idea suddenly popped into my head this morning and I thought it would make a good fanfic! I know it's a bit short but all the next chapters will be alot longer! Bye!


Prologue

Dear Log,
It’s been three days since I created subject 3, it is getting out of control. I have currently kept it in a sleeping chamber.
I have kept this experiment a secret for years but it is a bout time the world knew the terrible work I continued in the mansion.
Years ago my father created a powerful pokemon which killed him. I vowed to my mother before she died that I would continue his work into creating the ultimate pokemon.
And I have succeeded!

Chapter One

The harsh winter air blew, Robert shivered as he reached down for his pistol. He crawled back into his tent and sit. The person who he shared a tent with was Carl Kwan, he was a tall, largely built man. With intimidating muscles, he claimed to have been in the army for almost twenty years and he wore classic camouflage kit, complete with hat. He nodded his welcome to Rob as he sat down beside him.

“Soup again eh?” Rob asked.

His reply was a simple nod, Carl didn’t talk much but he sure ate.
Rob took a clean bowl from the pile and poured himself some soup.
Carl finished his soup and placed the empty bowl down beside him,

“So you the guy who says he seen this creature?” Carl asked waiting expectantly for an answer.

“Yeah, big thing it was too. Like a giant muscled monster. Lunged straight at me and knocked me a good hundred yards into a tree. Me legs only just healed recently.” Rob explained.

“Must’ve been mighty big to have knocked you a hundred yards!” Carl pointed out in disbelief.

“It was, giant pink demon” Rob carried on, “Apparently some scientist bloke cloned it from an ancient pokemon.”

“Pass me my gun mate,” Carl pointed towards a rifle that lay near Rob, “My team will be going out to search for this monster of yours.”
Carl raised himself up and shuffled out of the tent leaving Rob alone with his soup.

“Holy ****, shoot it! Shoot it!” came a thundering voice from outside.
Rob jumped up in shock and ran out gripping his pistol. What met him out there was not a pretty site.

A large pink pokemon stood a few metres in front of him, it had a slight human shaped body but its obvious muscles bulged out from its extremely powerful legs. It swiped a large arm at a nearby man and sent him flying into the jungle depths.

It suddenly crouched and leapt almost a thousand foot into the air, Rob gasped in amazement as it shot straight towards him.

He managed to dodge a giant fist that smashed rocks around the spot where Rob just was. It leered up in front of him bearing its massive fangs and out like a Serviper came a long, blood read coloured tongue. Its eyeless face faced him and its large nostrils sniffed the air.

It reared up a giant arm and Rob covered his face in a pathetic attempt to defend himself. And in one swift movement the arm came crashing down toward him.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

So? All comments are greatly appreciated as I probably do need to improve!
Thanks hope you enjoyed it,
Bye,
Rybo5000 ;385;

 

[Yami Ryu]

THE BASICS

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As I have read the various works posted on this board, I have noticed many of the same problems over and over. Here are some general guidelines to follow when writing your fics:

1) Proper Use of the Keyboard.
There are several useful keys on the keyboard:

Enter/Return: This is one of the most useful keys. Use it whenever you have finished with one idea and are ready to move on to the next paragraph. Use it when one person has finished speaking, and another is about to start. When doing so, hit it twice, to produce a blank line between paragraphs. This makes it a lot easier for your readers to tell where your paragraphs start and end. Large blocks of uninterrupted text are hard to read.

Shift: Another important key. Hold it down when typing the first letter of a sentence, the first letter of a name, or the letter 'I' when using it as the first person singular subject pronoun.

Caps Lock: Often used as a substitute for the 'Shift' key. Don't do it. Text should not be in all capital letters unless someone is SHOUTING!

The Spacebar: Hit it once after every word or comma, twice after a period.

Tab: Unfortunately, this does not work to indent paragraphs on these boards. This is why a blank line between paragraphs is essential.

Other Keys: Your keyboard, unless it is defective, comes with a full complement of letters. Don't be afraid to use them. There is no reason to type 'u' instead of 'you', or indeed to use any abbreviation you learned in a chat room. There is no penalty for taking a few seconds longer to type complete words.

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2) Tips on Composition.

Paragraphs: Use these as your basic unit of composition. Each paragraph should be used to set forth a single idea. If a paragraph seems to long, it probably contains multiple ideas, and should be split up for clarity. If it seems too short, expand on the idea.

Sentences: A sentence should contain exactly one action or statement of existence. If it contains more than one, split it into two or more. If it contains less than one, finish the sentence. Run-on sentences are often confusing, while fragments make the reader feel that something is missing.

Description: Make sure that your reader can visualize what is happening. Don't just say something like "Joe walked along enjoying the scenery". This gives no indication of whether the scenery he is enjoying is a redwood forest, a beach at sunset, or the Grand Canyon.

A description is not just a list of attributes. When describing a character, don't just list their name, age, height, weight, hair colour, and current pokemon team. Bring this information out gradually when the person appears in a story.

Don't have Joe meet a trainer named Fred who is 12 years old, has green eyes and red hair, is three and a half feet tall, and whose pokemon are squirtle, pikachu, butterfree, grimer, tauros, and krabby. Have Joe see a short, red-haired kid with startlingly green eyes, and talk to him. Have names mentioned early in the conversation. The pokemon may be either revealed in a battle, or introduced individually during the conversation.

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3) Other General Advice

Plot: Try to be original. "Joe is 10 (or 11 or 12) years old and about to start his pokemon journey. He goes to Professor (insert tree here) and gets a (insert pokemon here)" has been done too many times already. "Joe is a 10-year-old from Pallet Town and about to start his pokemon journey. He accidentally sleeps in, and by the time he gets to Professor Oak's lab, all the starters have been taken, so he gets a Pikachu" is so old everyone is sick of it.

Try to be reasonable. A new trainer is not going to start with a legendary, or even rare, pokemon. The standard starter pokemon were selected for a reason: They are easy for professors to obtain whenever new trainers are about to start, they can be controlled by beginners, and with proper training, they can become quite powerful.

Likewise, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to catch any of the legendary pokemon. They are simply too powerful. If you have seen either of the movies, think about it. Mew or Mewtwo can deflect any attack you try with minimal effort.

Consider the scene in The Power of One where Ash's Pikachu (which has been known to defeat rock and ground types) meets Zapdos. Compare their relative power levels. Now think about how hard it would be to defeat Zapdos. This can be applied to any of the legendary pokemon. No trainer will have one unless it has a good reason to want to accompany that trainer.

Characters: Make your characters real. Give them strengths and weaknesses. Inherently superior trainers who win each battle effortlessly are boring. So are incompetent members of Team Rocket. So is the gym-leader-who-can't-stand-being-defeated. The stock "Rival" character is also getting old.

Whatever you do, don't just refer to people by labels from the GameBoy games (Rocket, Cooltrainer, Lass, Bug Catcher, etc). Remember that these are real people you are working with.

Spelling/Grammar: Write your story in a word-processing program. Use the spellchecker, but don't depend on it completely. It can tell whether your word matches the spelling of a real word, but it cannot tell whether it is the word you wanted to use.

Use grammar checkers with extreme care. They cannot actually understand what you are saying, and often make mistakes.

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4) My Personal Advice:

Note that the contents of this section reflect my personal preferences. Other good writers may disagree with me.

Battles: I generally dislike sentences of the form "(pokemon species) used (name of attack)". You are describing what the pokemon does. In a real-world battle, the pokemon would not "use Bite on" its opponent; it would "bite" its opponent. There are, however, exceptions to this. If there is no verb for the action, go ahead and say "Bulbasaur used Leech Seed". Still, try to avoid "used (name of attack)". Better options would be "fired a hyperbeam at (enemy)", "hit (enemy) with (attack)", etc.

Additionally; the GameBoy battle format makes no sense in the context of a real battle. A pokemon in a real battle would not just attack, then stand there waiting for its opponent to attack. In a real battle, you would have no time to go in and administer a potion or antidote to your pokemon. Watch the TV show for a reasonable depiction of what battles would be like.

GameBoy Terminology in general: Try to avoid it. In the real world, referring to something as "Level 17" is meaningless. Pokemon have varying levels of power and experience, but don't just summarize all of this with a single number. In the world of your fanfic, pokemon are real, living creatures. They are individuals. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, and skills.

The only thing worse than referring to "levels" is referring to "hit points", "power points", or any of the "statistics" (attack, defence, "special defence", etc). Avoid use of these terms at all costs.

-Original text by Murgatroyd

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CHARACTERS

Characters are fun, aren’t they?

The characters of a story determine much of whether or not the story is likeable. If a story has a killer plot, but has unbelievable characters, chances are that it’ll fall. People like to be able to connect with the characters they read about. It’s what keeps them tied into the story. Most people feel that they need to know what happens to the characters. If they die, if they succeed in their quest, etc.

Character development doesn’t always have to be deep, but readers definitely appreciate a good character. How about some tips…

-Unbelievable Strength

Don’t make a character unbelievably strong. If you have a normal kid, he acts and reacts like a normal kid would. You can’t have a normal kid get shot and get over it in half an hour. A normal kid isn’t going to forget a bullet wound… If the kid is even conscious.
This is true with trainers, too. They cannot have an unbelievably strong amount of power. If you have a story about a kid, it usually doesn’t work if the kid has eight legendaries.

-Believable Strength

It is quite possible to have a strong character. Sometimes the strength can be attributed to special powers, if you work with fantasy. These are the easiest to deal with, perhaps because they can be there because they were inane.

... you know you are either blind, or you just don't like improving. You didn't even take in anything anyone told you in your last damn thread -_-

 

[rybo5000]

... you know you are either blind, or you just don't like improving. You didn't even take in anything anyone told you in your last damn thread -_-

i know your just trying to help but instead of referring me to that thread ive read about 50 times can you tell me where im going wrong, not just moan at me please,
i cant improve if you dont tell me what to improve
thanks bye

 

[Zephyr Flare]

Fine then I will say.

You lack even the remotest paragraphing skills.There is just a solid block of text with lines of various lengths, not even the most basic of fanfiction structure that should be there and is acknowledged in the thread you have supposedly read.

You drop a paragraph everytime between a person speaking and when you start up a new description, after a conbvo ahs finished, part of a abttle, whatever. It's an essential skill you pick up damn quickly, not everybody ahs the luxury of being taught them in schools, I certainly wasn't but that isn;t an excuse to ignore them.

You have a Prologue that may as well be part of the chapter it's so short. A Prologue is used such as my Into My Mind as setting the stage for your fanfiction be it before it has begun, when it has finished or hell even smack in the middle. It is not a diary noter.

I have letters in one of my unposted fics, I just put the letter on top of each chapter with a --- below before the actual chapter. Simple and works.

Where is the description? Where the hell are we? Who are they? What do they look like? id you have to so blatantly rip the Mewtwo Strikes Back intro?

Pokemon is a caps word as well, you should also be checking your spelling as you've happily managed to spell Seviper wrong.

The following is a andom snippet from one of my fanfictions, with speech AND description and you will very quickly see how much you are skimping.

---

‘Erm hello, please is anybody here?’ a voice echoes from upstairs. Muttering angrily with a scritch of one of his extra eyes, Arthus gets swiftly off the bed leaving his notes and boxes where they are and heads towards the stairs disappearing ypwards in a drawn out stone spiral. He hates being interrupted but if somebody bothered to come to his little wasteland, he wasn’t about to deny him or her a presence.

His fury lightens slightly as he eyes the visitor, a girl, a human girl with short emerald hair and a determined, almost desperate expression. Even from the doorway he can see a slit of blood trickling down her arm, gained no doubt from one of his residents not liking a new comer on their land.

‘Yes, there is somebody here’ he answers flatly as he comes up to her, standing a little way as he waits patiently for why she had decided to come. Given such a weak build and almost whitest skin from the light, it can hardly be considered that she is at all strong enough for travel.

‘I am Erika sir, leader of the Celadon Gym and part of the Gym Leader Institute Commission or GLIC. I have come upon request regarding your… gym’ she states rather timidly, looking round constantly like the shadows would jump her, course they would be not until told to.

‘Just call me Arthus, hu- miss, I am no sir’ he responds, cursing himself inwardly for nearly slipping there from stubborn isolation. Giving a light curtsey despite her rather draping kimono, Erika tries to keep eye contact for politeness but she just can’t keep her eyes on his.

Arthus knows well enough what she wants, her mind a shatter of nerves as she pulls back up her sleeve to stop it touching the wound as it slides.


‘Well then… Arthus, I have come after many messengers we have sent have simply vanished. Since the former leader disappeared, this gym was never reinstated with the GLIC and has had some… renovation which has not been submitted for approval.’ She frowns slightly at his unbothered expression. ‘Plus there is the desolation outside; do you have such disregard for plant life?’

‘The messengers trespassed and were dealt with accordingly, I saw no need to lower myself to underlings rule and this region has little I can consider care for.’ He answers plainly, his eyes watching her intently as she visibly flinches.

‘As a new gym leader it’s your duty to abide by the rules of GLIC, there are to be no exceptions.’

‘Well,’ he answers cruelly, a grin on his face as he glares at her, the door behind creaking shut with lock ‘I guess I can show none for you either.’

Erika looks at him striken with alarm at his words when suddenly something strikes her mind, a violent mental jolt forcing her without will to the ground and her eyes to pale slightly. Her entire body revolts in agony, like all the nerves on feeling herself in a fire while really, its just the strike attacking the main area of the brain they are located.

‘Sorry human but I’m not about to lower myself to your politics and laws, they simply don’t interest me’ he says with a slight grin before turning away boredly, she fell at such a feeble strike.

---

It is a couple years old now so not my current running but give an idea. It is taken from Collector if you are at all interested. See how the paragraphing has not been used as an excuse for length but as a means for spacing out the text so it is eaiser for the read? MOVEMENT with the words.

Man I need to go over that fic again, I see mangle of present and past, gah.

Oh well the point is there, please use it.


Sandra

 

[Rani Fernleaf]

Well, um.

1) Your characters have no depth. I mean, Carl could be just about any boring old bloke you picked up congealed in front of his TV somewhere. So you say he claims to be a military man. So what? Show it. Make him bluff. Make him puff his chest out. Make him say dumb, yet manly and heroic and army-ish stuff like 'I could take him' in reference to Mewtwo. Oh ye gods don't tell us, show us.

2) Originality. No originality. Wow, this is just like that movie, wossname, that first Pokemon one with Mewtwo destroying that one lab?

3) Length. Generally people like to read more than this.

4) Spacing. No big blocks of text. Or, in this case, one little block of text. Oh whatever. Press the Return key twice whenever you would press it once in a normal document, and you should be fine.

And oh so much more.

 

[rybo5000]

hi thanks for commenting i am about to space out paragraphs,
and also id like to say Zephr Flare (sorry if thats spelt wrong) that the reason i do speech seperate is that is how i was taught at school to do it like that.
Also sorry if you feel it is too much of a copy of the movie, i was kind of leaning towards movie opening.
And to Rani Fernleaf, i wanted to leave it mysterious to get people reading next chapter. Sorry if it didnt work for you.
Ok i really appreiate your advice, whenever someone said "paragraphing" to me i didnt get what they ment but now i do thanks.
Will improve and write next chapter which you will hopefully enjoy!
Bye, Rybo5000