Tasting Sin

[ShadowCloud62]

My other fics haven't been getting much reviews, so I've decided to start a new work, something that's been nagging at me since I first joined Serebii forums. I'm a little nervous bringing this fic up. Anyways, it's rated PG-13 for some mild blood.

Tasting Sin by ShadowCloud62

Prologue

"Suppose," said Jirachi, "that I could make you as powerful as Ho-oh."

Rukario hesitated. This Jirachi wasn't like their Jirachi in the Legendary group. This one wasn't a bright yellow. It was black, as black as midnight, it's gray stomach contrasted greatly. Instead of kindly blue eyes, they were a wicked red. The wish tags on it's head weren't blue, but also red.

Rukario didn't want to say anything, but temptation took over, "How?"

"I could merely....make him take a leaf of absence." Jirachi's voice seemed syrupy, as if attracting him to the idea, making him interested.

Rukario shook his head, "No. Ho-oh would never do that."

"How do you know?"

What kind of question is this?, Rukario thought, slightly annoyed, The Great Ho-oh, taking a leaf of absence? That's as true as Latios and Latias not being able to turn human!

"He's the Leader," Rukario spoke aloud, "he'd never abandon us." This was the one and only thing Rukario admired most about Ho-oh.

"But he underestimates you. He makes you seem small."

Rukario scowled this time, remembering the exact reason why he was in Ilex Forest of Johto, "Yes." he growled. How could Ho-oh call him useless?! He was never used in any battle!

"Perhaps," Jirachi spoke, "I could make him....weaker than all the others."

Rukario noticed this Jirachi seemed to tease with the first word in every sentence, with 'suppose', and 'perhaps'.

"....How?" Rukario's red eyes gleamed with interest. This topic was getting more and more interesting.

"Rukario," Jirachi breathed the Legendary's name, it's voice as soft as velvet, "you, Rukario. Bring Ho-oh here....and I will show you myself."

"But--!"

"No, Rukario. Your thoughts summoned me. Now I will help you."

Rukario bit his lip, his white fang digging deep into the flesh, making his lip bleed. He licked the blood, and spit out the metallic taste of it, "All right. But what will you do to him?" Yes, he despised Ho-oh, but he didn't want anything really nasty to happen.

"Oh, nothing major. No injuries. He will just be....rather....tuckered out."

Okay, nothing horrible. Rukario nodded, "All right. I will bring him here. Alone. No strings attached."

The Jirachi grinned, revealing shockingly large white fangs, "Excellent. Now hurry. Time is ticking...."







Horrible, horrible prologue.

 

[Overwhelming_Latias]

Hello there. I have to admit, when I recieved your pm the title seemed very intriguing. It's a good choice.

-The Prologue, however short it may be, doesn't seem 'horrible'. It gives off a very ominous vibe, which is always good in hooking readers.

The evil 'Jirachi' seems particularly good, and original also. His character... meh. It didn't show as much depth as I may have liked. I think that the few ways that his evilness is portrayed are good, but could be expanded a tad to really flaunt his/her evil streak.

-Rukario/Lucario... seems a tad gullible, no? Sure, he dislikes Ho-Oh, but is his dislike for the big bird so great that he is roped in by a 'dodgy' Jirachi, one outside his "legendary group"? He notices the way in which Jirachi teases the words etc etc, but is still roped in? Nice show of character, and it's different to see a really gullible legendary... but I'm not sure I believe what I'm reading. :S

-Length. You need to write just a tad more to tip yourself over that one-page pre-requisite. Bear that in mind for future installments.

-Spelling, grammar and punctuation are generally good. Make sure you read over it before posting it up to iron out any errors.

-More description is needed. I've got a good idea of what Rukario/Lucario looks like, but describe him anyway! I remember Ilex Forest from GSC, but highlight it's features nonetheless! Try to describe as much as possible. Expecting your readership to know what places/people/Pokemon look like is bad. Look how books like Harry Potter will continue to accentuate key aspects of the character's visages/personalities etc, even if most of the readership has read all six books to date. I'm sure you get the gist of it.


Alright. I know this review may seem like a bad one, but don't take it that way. I actually think, with a little work, this could be rather good. Take your criticisms, and work on them

Also, don't let a lack of reviews get you down. I personally feel that my own fic is quite good, yet there must be something wrong for 95% of the readerhsip not to leave a review. Some people will love your fic, others will not. It's the way things work.

Keep it up, and PM if you want a review for the next installment.

-OL

 

[ShadowCloud62]

Okay, I've taken your review and I've decided to describe Rukario and his strong hate. Here goes chapter one.
(NOTE: Rated PG-13 for one mild swear)

Chapter One

Shamuti Island was abandoned now, no humans treaded there. It was the perfect place for the Legendaries.

The cave's entrance was hollow, your voice could echo for a few hours maybe. It hid just behind what seemed like thousands of trees and bushes, and if you happened to walk by you'd simply overlook the cave. This made it extra safe for the Legendaries, however no one treaded outside the cave.

Most of the Legendaries thought the cave and the island were perfect enough to stay, unless there was something they needed to do, someone they needed to protect. Some feared the power of the leader, Ho-oh.

Rukario did not fear the bird of flame.

Rukario believed he was isolated in this island, especially when Ho-oh ordered him to stay behind and guard the cave while the others set off on missions.

He didn't believe it was fair. He felt like he was being suffocated, slowly being driven crazy by the quiet isolation of Shamuti Cave, the glint of madness would usually appear in his crimson eyes. No, Rukario wasn't crazy, but whenever he felt the eerie emptiness of the cave, it made him feel that way. Ho-oh did not understand him. It was just wrong.

Today was no different. Rukario entered the cave and leapt to the side as Latios and Latias flew off.

Turning, Rukario rolled his eyes as Ho-oh shot a disapproving glance at him.

Rukario slowly walked up and bowed his head, "Ho-oh." he said icily.

"Rukario." Ho-oh stated just as coldly as Rukario. With intense golden eyes he twitched his yellow beak. He then spoke in a booming voice, "Where were you?"

There was no use hiding the fact that he was in Ilex. There really was nothing to hide anyway, "Ilex Forest, in Johto, Master." Rukario stated.

"Why?" Ho-oh demanded just as Mewtwo teleported in a flash to his mission location.

Rukario narrowed his eyes, and lifted his head up to face Ho-oh, clenching his fists, "I wanted a break from this cave, Master." he said, enunciating each word very clearly.

Ho-oh nodded his head, unfurling his fiery-colored wings just a bit, "And why is that, Legendary Rukario?"

Rukario grimaced. Because of this stupid isolation, he didn't even feel like a Legendary, "Because I needed some fresh air, Master."

Ho-oh's beak was slightly upturned in amusement, and Rukario knew what was about to happen next. He was going to belittle him, "Why, Rukario, you should've merely asked me instead of sneaking out," Ho-oh spoke in a fake sweet voice, "how cruel of you. And you can't possibly go out beyond here. You're weak."

Rukario wanted to hurl a Shadow Ball at him, then he'd see just how powerful he was, the *******.

"I--did find something interesting," Rukario said. His strong hatred fueled his mind right now. That dark Jirachi was definitely going to help him tonight, "in Ilex Forest. Would you like to come with me, Master Ho-oh?"

Ho-oh looked slightly surprised. Rukario sliently enjoyed how the master watched him, like a true Legendary.

"All right then," Ho-oh said, regaining his icy composure, "I will tell Lugia and Celebi to keep an eye on the cave. Meet me at the entrance."

Rukario bowed, grinning to himself, "Of course, Master."

***

"So where exactly did you find this--thing in Ilex Forest?" Ho-oh asked, flying beside Rukario at blinding speed. No human could possibly see them.

Rukario loved this. Ho-oh was actually listening to him for a change, "It looked somewhat like--a deformed Pokemon," he said quickly, "--and not just any Pokemon. It looked like a deformed Legendary, like--Celebi."

"Celebi?" Ho-oh arched a black eyebrow, "There is only one Celebi in the world, Rukario."

"Indeed, that was merely a fable," Rukario said, "that thing looked like a Celebi."

Ho-oh paused, then merely nodded and turned his focus to the sky again. The trip remained silent after that.

They flew past Goldenrod City, and Rukario was slowly imagining what that Jirachi would do to Ho-oh. What would it do?....

"Rukario, we are in Ilex Forest, now tell me where you saw this thing," the fire bird's sharp voice made Rukario jump back to reality. Rukario entered a landing position and gracefully touched the ground, his black feet beginning to walk just as Ho-oh landed.

"Be careful, Master," Rukario said, "I don't want you to make so much noise. You are very large, after all." This was true. Ho-oh was a very large bird, so it was rare to see the large Legendaries like him to proceed in such a tiny place like Ilex.

"All right, all right, now tell me where that deformed Pokemon is," Ho-oh growled.

Rukario smiled, and stopped walking just past the old forest shrine....just where he met the dark Jirachi. Nodding, he pointed his long silver claw to the shrine, "There. Just there."

Ho-oh nodded, and slowly walked forward, up to the shrine.

Rukario backed away, watching with delight as Ho-oh stepped even closer to the shrine....







Okay, I'm not going to get into detail, chapter two explains a little more about Rukario, and who really let him into the Legendaries.

 

[Ray_League_Champion]

OK first things first, I really like the idea of the legendary Pokemon having a group and a leader and going out on missions, however you really need to work on the length of the chapters. That one barely made it onto a third page in Microsoft Word.

Other than that I thought the description was decent but you should have added in some description of the Pokemon. I know what all the Pokemon mentioned here look like but you should write this story as if you are writing to someone who has never heard of Pokemon. For example you just said 'just as Mewtwo teleported in a flash to his mission location.' you should have said something like 'The tall catlike form of Mewtwo tensed his powerful muscles beneath its short grey-purple fur and with a twirl of his long purple tail he vanished.'

Overall I think it could go somewhere but you have to improve on length and character description.

 

[Flame of Madness]

great story! Pm me when the nxt story comes up!

 

[Yami Ryu]

Eh, Ho-Oh's personality rubs me the wrong way :/ sorry it just doesn't sound like Ho-Oh to me.

Overall it seems you have a good idea for a story- and taking it this isn't the Lucario/Rukario that knew Aaron. Rukario comes off as a little too gulible, but then as they say power corrupts- and tempts. But how exactly .. does Lucario fly? It's a Steel/Fighting type last time I checked, and Ho-Oh isn't exactly psychic type....

The prologue and first chapter feel rushed though, and as I said, the characters feel a bit, well bland. Though find it ironic Rukario is basically going from one 'master' to another- anyways, you describe somewhat alright when you do describe- as you have it down how to get emotions across, but, I don't know what Ho Oh looks like, or Lucario by the first chapter. I mean if it was a human it'd be different to an extent, but Ho Oh and Lukario are pokemon, and are different looking. And Wouldn't Ho Oh be able to sense something was off with Rukario? :/

And also wouldn't Ho-Oh be suspicious that Rukario was backing away or would yours just assume Rukario was weak/pathetic and so therefor he must be cowering in fear at what might possibly happen?

 

[The Smore]

Great story.

Erm ...


Too short. By far. By a big far

No description.

But I love the storyline. Flesh it out and it will be brilliant.

 

[StrayedBullet]

Hello there ShadowCloud!

I have to say that it does need to be fleshed out a bit, describe surroundings, etc. Also I think you need to get a bit more into exploring the personalities of the characters. Interesting plotline, just a little short and a bit basic. I'll keep my eye on it, as always

-SB ;001;

 

[Gradius]

I think that you should edit this story a bit more and give it more detail and finish the story at some point.

Also,

That's as true as Latios and Latias not being able to turn human!

I believe that Latios cannot turn human. He has a different power if I do recall. Remember from Pokemon heroes, he went under the streams and Ash & com. with Latias saw what he saw. And Latias could change into more than just a human.

Also, please read my story called A Scientists Journal : Antovil and respond. The link is in my sig.

Finally, Shadowcloud62, just give me a link to your other stories and I'll happily read them.