The reason why the smell NOT reaching Ms. Larsting's class was that they're dead, as Caasi soon discovers.
I was more thinking of before Caasi left the class, actually. I didn't get the impression he was walking very long, anyway; now you're saying he was actually pretty far from the classroom when he got to the fire, which is fair enough, although I'm still having difficulties picturing it really being that far.
Wouldn't you forget what you're doing if you saw a Pokemon in your closet? The shock will hold you over for at least a few seconds, more than enough for that Pokemon to pounce.
If I saw a Pokémon in my closet, I'd be shocked and then take the first possible opportunity to run for it when the Pokémon looks away instead of staying there to think "That was close and why is there a Pokémon here and this must be a nightmare", giving it an opportunity to strike at me. It's sensible that he'd freeze when he sees the Charmeleon; it's not sensible he'd be still standing there even as the Charmeleon briefly looks away from him and he has an opportunity to escape, particularly so when he is already aware of the existence of the fire escape.
As for the elevator shaft, the nice breeze was supposed to help point out that he was falling. Yet again made unclear. @_@
Not at all the right way to say he's falling. Falling is a very particular feeling and has nothing to do with breeze; falling unexpectedly is an even more particular one. If the POV character falls at any point in a story, this should be immediately obvious to both the character and the reader. I saw you edited it, but you're still giving the impression that Caasi can somehow not notice he is falling until it "hits him" midway down, which is physically impossible.
I'm finding the format in which you're posting your story interesting. All the different POVs give it a particular atmosphere.
It was like nothing I saw before.
Here you want "It was like nothing I had seen before."
I had just witnessed a building that was set ablaze crumble into rubble, the top floor anyway.
Should be "I had just witnessed a building that was set ablaze crumble into rubble - the top floor, anyway." The "anyway" needs a comma before it, and then if the other comma were kept as a comma it's a little confusing, so it works out best this way. The dash is an appropriate punctuation mark to use here, anyway.
The best thing about it was that I had done it myself.
Somehow I really think this sentence would have had more impact if it started with an "And".
and disable all 9-1-1 calls
Disabled. Remember, he's still recounting what he "had" done - and you wouldn't say "I had disable".
I like the paragraph starting with "I had always been fascinated by fire". I feel it does a pretty good job at capturing that fascination. However...
I had pet candles which I was a child, I didn’t give them names because they wouldn’t last long, but I did keep using the same oil for one of my candles throughout my life.
The first comma should be a period, but what's up with using oil on candles?
What kinds of candles are these?
The reason why I did that was because it was what you call magic, the fire that used the oil never went out, not even extinguishing underwater.
Comma splice again; replace the first comma with a colon.
I don't really like this way of getting to the subject of how he got that oil. Saying "Oh, by the way, I've got this magic oil" feels kind of cheesy here. I suggest you try to approach the subject of how he obtained the oil before talking about its properties somehow.
I would have never been able to survive without it, if I never got the oil, I would have died by the age of five.
This seems redundant and additionally it's another comma splice. (Remember, never put just a comma between two complete sentences.) If I were you I'd make this just "If I had never gotten the oil, I would have been dead by the age of five."
The wind kept howling, the snow kept stinging my face, and I was getting an severe case of frostbite.
"An"?
"Severe" did not start with a vowel last time I checked. Also, "getting a severe case of frostbite" doesn't seem like an appropriate way to word this here - you'd want to describe it more from his point of view than this medical way, something about how his fingers were numb with cold or something in that direction.
I thought the man was crazy, it had to be below zero degrees and he wasn’t even wearing a coat, just a white suit.
Replace the first comma with a semicolon.
I was so cold; I wasn’t even able to speak.
That semicolon, on the other hand, shouldn't be there at all.
The wax a light orange and was shaped like a tiger, ready to pounce, with a matching orange crystal on its belly, and a fire burning in it’s mouth, the tiger sitting on a small, shallow dish.
You're missing "was" after "wax", the "was" before "shaped" shouldn't be there, the comma after "belly" shouldn't be there, and you used "it's" instead of "its". Either way this sentence is awfully long and confusing; I'd word it more like "It was shaped like a tiger sitting on a small, shallow dish, ready to pounce; a flame burned in its mouth, gleaming off the facets of an orange crystal set into the wax on its belly."
I set things on fire, like newspapers, shrubs, and dead rats on fire just to see them burn and to watch the fire dance.
You don't need the second "on fire"; just replace it with a comma.
At first I did it once in a while, then I did it habitually and did it every chance I got.
You don't need the third "did it", and you should replace the first comma with a semicolon.
Now, don’t be quick to judge me, the people I burned were rapists, child molesters, and the occasional murderer, so they had it coming anyway.
The second comma should be a period, and I think it sounds better if you also replace the last comma with a period and remove the "so".
Growing up, I never really talked to people much; they usually saw what I do, call me a demonic child, and run.
Tense confusion again. "They usually saw what I did, called me a demonic child, and ran."
“That didn’t really matter, my oil was the only friend I’ll ever need,” I usually told myself.
Since you're using a direct quotation, that, on the other hand, should be in present tense. "That doesn't really matter. My oil is the only friend I'll ever need."
I was wanted in several states for murder, arson (my specialty), and several other charges that I didn’t understand back then. My trial didn’t even take an hour to finish; I was guilty on all counts and was sentenced to life in solitary confinement. At first, it didn’t bother me that I was only ten and being sent to live my life alone without even the slightest bit of human contact, I was used to it.
I believe it is pretty much against international law to sentence a child under eighteen to life (or death, for that matter), and definitely in solitary confinement. In fact, I think in most of this the guy has been unbelievably young. How was a three-year-old child walking independently around in the streets and seeking shelter under a bridge in a storm? Do you really need him to be this young? It's hurting my suspension of disbelief. Also, the last comma in the last sentence should be a period or a semicolon.
I snapped. They had just separated me from the thing that kept me alive for seven years.
From the thing that
had kept me alife for seven years.
The man then put down the oil, and pointed to an orange puppy that was in front of him.
Lose the comma, since "pointed to an orange puppy that was in front of him" is not a complete sentence.
I several things about the puppy confused me.
Random I that shouldn't be there.
It was orange with black stripes for one; it also had a fluffy, cream colored tail, and a mass of matching cream colored fur on the top of its head.
Comma before "for one"; "cream-colored" should be hyphenated; lose the second comma.
The puppy was cute, however, and had a playful expression on its face.
It strikes me as kind of forced to use "however" here. Just go with "But it was cute and had a playful expression on its face." Maybe add some of his internal reaction to finally getting a friend after that.
“I want you to take your oil back and to take care of this puppy. I think you’ll like her.” The man told me as he undid the straight jacket.
Comma after her instead of the period, "The" should be uncapitalized. "Told" is a speech verb, so you need to connect it to the sentence.
I hugged him as soon as I was free, tears still streaming in my eyes.
Streaming
from my eyes, I'd say.
“Now,” he started as he reached for the oil, “The fun begins.”
"The" should be uncapitalized, since you have a comma before it.
The tall man in the white suit handed me my oil, I knew what to do.
Yet another comma splice. Either replace it with a period or add an "and" after it. Also, I'd make it "I immediately knew what to do" to get the right implication across better.
I burned the whole prison to the ground, and everyone in it. And I liked it.
Ditch the comma.
The man in the white suit and the puppy stood outside the prison and watched the holocaust that ensued. Once it was finished, and I emerged from the rubble, the man approached me and proposed an offer I couldn’t refuse:
I really don't think you should be calling it a holocaust or at least not say that it "ensued", but eh. The second sentence should begin "Once it was finished and I had emerged from the rubble..."
She actually loved to burn down things as much as I did, and she grew on me and I grew on her.
It seems to me this would work better as "...and we grew on one another."
We would go to a park, play fetch, Frisbee, and catch together.
Since you mean to keep going to a park separate and apply the verb "play" to the rest, you'll want to make it "We would go to a park and play fetch, Frisbee and catch together."
Of course, the park would be burnt to the ground when we’re done, which made it all the more fun.
When we
were done.
In exchange, I had to burn some place down to the ground, with some “specific objectives”.
In the context it sounds like you meant some plac
es.
It strikes me as
extremely odd that he would never get caught doing any of this, honestly.
At the very least people should notice that there's a crazy pyromaniac around and flee the city or something. He's really not exactly being very discreet.
After many years of burning down buildings, prisons, “maximum security” establishments, banks, casinos, and people (mainly murderers) he gave me a rather odd task.
Comma after the parentheses.
He asked me to burn down a school without anybody knowing it happened or to leave any survivors.
Leaving any survivors.
In the night before I started the fire, I sneaked into the building through the basement along with my puppy, (now a full grown dog) and sabotaged a few systems. I left my dog there as I sabotaged any phone lines that were in close range of the school.
I like the past tense "snuck" better, but meh. Lose the comma after "puppy", and you're repeating "sabotaged" here.
I could see she was doing a thorough job at it too, seeing how she lit the whole entire left wing on fire.
"The whole entire"?
By the way, I happen to be a girl. I just felt like I needed to say that, mostly because people think that boys are usually the ones who are able to be interested by fires as much as I am. I can’t tell you my name, it’s against a policy I have with the man I’ve told you about. Actually, there are things about the plan I can’t tell you about. I’ll tell you this much though:
It will end with a bang.
Haha, nice. The automatic assumption was to call her "him", but I did think halfway through it "I wonder if this is going to turn out to be a girl after all." I like her more all of a sudden.
Replace the comma after "my name" with a semicolon. Also, I'd use "there are many things about the plan" to get the right emphasis across in the sentence.
Anyway, as I said, my main concern is that she seems way too young. I can't help thinking aging her by several years at the time she gets the candle really wouldn't hurt, and you can ditch the whole thing about life sentence in solitary confinement since it doesn't make sense for her age and it never actually matters what she's sentenced to.
Soo. Chapter three.
another side of Caasi said disbelievingly,
The comma should be a period, since a new sentence starts after this.
You would have been crushed under a pile of rubble and burnt to death if we never asked for Charmeleon’s help in the first place!
Is it just me or is it a bit odd for the voices in his head to be so detached from one another that they actually refer to themselves in the first person plural?
”Look, at least you have a chance to make it out alive, right? Caasi's positive side meekly responded.
You're missing a closing quote there. And the opening quote is the wrong way around.
”No. Look.” Caasi's negative side simply stated.
Comma before the dialogue tag. The opening quote is the wrong way around again.
”NO FREAKING WAY! every possible part of Caasi complained in unison.
Here too (and a missing closing quote again). And incidentally I have no idea what the heck this line is supposed to be referring to.
No freaking way what? As in "No way, I won't look!"? But in that case, why does it imply that Caasi's 'negative side', the one that said "Look", is also saying "NO FREAKING WAY!"?
Also, Caasi seems to be falling very,
very slowly if he's managing to think all of this on the way down in addition to having spent a couple of seconds realizing he was falling in the first place.
That wasn’t the worst part, it was who was staring back at him through the fire
Replace the comma with a semicolon.
The Arcanine weightlessly leaped into the elevator shaft, strands of flames streaming out of its mouth as it made its way into the elevator shaft.
You repeat "elevator shaft", and in fact the entire action of the Arcanine going into it, since "weightlessly leaping into it" implies it is already "making its way into it".
"It ends here? That's it? That's just the end of my life?" he sorrowfully thought as he recalled various his childhood.
"Various his childhood"?
And why is his whole life flashing before his eyes now and not once in all his previous experiences? Still taking really, really, REALLY long to fall, by the way. And he's being awfully calm for somebody who's convinced he's about to die while falling through an elevator shaft.
His denial stopped as a picture of a towering man with a knife flashed into his mind, along with the emotions from that day.
"That day" is apparently some other day we don't know about yet, but since just earlier you were taking about "today's events" it's easy to take it like that was supposed to have happened today.
"You know what will happen to you. Don't deny it." the innermost part of Caasi knew.
Comma before the dilogue tag.
"Remember the scar, the cut arteries? Don't forget what it was meant to teach you. I think you know what you have to do now." his innermost part grimly told him.
Again.
"Might as well do something productive, let's see what heaven's like." Caasi unenergetically suggested to himself.
Yet again. You've also got "Caasi" too many times here; using "he" once in a while wouldn't hurt.
Caasi confusedly thought before realizing where he really was; the basement level of the school.
You should use a colon instead of the semicolon; what follows it is a clarification of the previous sentence.
Something about Caasi's realization that he is alive seems off to me; the thoughts sound a little forced and it doesn't really feel like it works. We'll see.
(By the way, just out of curiosity: is your name Isaac?)
"I think it's something YOU can't do. But I will have to be sure." responded a deeper, scratchier voice of a man.
Comma before the closing quote, yet again. Also, "a deeper, scratchier voice of a man" sounds to me like something equivalent to "a brute of a man"; that is, it feels like the voice is a man. I don't know if this is just me, but either way I think it sounds odd; "the" deeper, scratchier voice of a man would work better.
What actually happened in the elevator shaft was more wit than.
...what?
and narrowly made the last opening in the shaft to opening to the basement.
This sentence doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me either. Additionally, if the elevator was down at the basement level, how could they, in the elevator shaft, have gotten out at the basement level? Unless that sentence was meant to say they got out before the basement level and then fell down through a hole in the floor or something.
He looked at the red light again, it was a digital display. It was counting down. It was a large piece of machinery. It was a bomb.
Ah, good old bombs with a convenient digital display announcing to anyone who wants to see it how much time they have to get away. Yet another one from the Evil Overlord List. (It went something like, "If I ever feel the need to make a bomb with a digital timer displaying how much time there is left until it detonates, I will set it to explode when it's down to three minutes." Which, you have to admit, would be
damn funny if it happened right now.)
Then, where he was just microseconds before was a spectacular stream of flames that seemed to be belched right from the bowels of hell itself, swirling into one straight line. That's when he felt the heat, the unbearable heat that seemed to burn off his skin and eyes for 4 seconds straight on his body.
You should use "where he had been just microseconds before" for clarity, and "That's when he felt the heat" is an awfully ineffective way to word it; the sentence would be a lot more exciting if it went, "Unbearable heat seemed to burn off his skin and eyes for a few agonizing seconds." Or something in that direction.
He had just narrowly dodged an Overheat.
How does Caasi know all this Pokémon stuff, damn it? ;_; At least give us a little hint! Please?
(Side note: after writing this part of the review, I saw the forum thread at the Quest for the Legends forum, where you apparently chose to explain that he had simply seen this in the video games, but then for the love of God give some indication of this! Make him wonder somewhere what monsters he has known only from video games are doing in the real world instead of just going, "Oh, it's a Charmeleon." Or, if he has seen Pokémon before, make him remember that incident and how surprised he was then. Or something.)
The strands of flames grew into long threads.
Why is the fire in long threads, and how long can they get without actually immolating Caasi?
The Arcanine is holding him down with her paw, after all.
It's even stranger when the "strands" turn into "orbs" and the "orbs" to "fireballs". Throughout that whole scene, which was meant to be dramatic, I was thinking "Whut?" Why on earth is the fire randomly taking all these shapes, seriously? (And why is it taking so long for the Arcanine to prepare for it, anyway? Even if his heart is beating fast, that's a lot of heartbeats.)
Not needing anymore instruction
I'm pretty sure that should be "any more" in two words.
Back in the basement, the fatally Arcanine
A word missing.
On the collar was a small, white orb that had the name "Brenna" on it.
I love little details like these. You suddenly turned the previously murderous creature back into the pyromaniac's faithful pet and only companion in the world just before she died (OR DID SHE? I have a feeling she was reaching for that collar for more than just sentimental value), in time to make the reader genuinely sympathize. Easily my favorite moment of the fic so far. (And nice name, heh.
)
Looking at the explosion from a safe distance (somehow getting far enough from the school in 50 seconds) was Caasi and the Charmeleon
The sentence in the parentheses seems unnecessary to me; you're just reminding the reader that this seems a little unrealistic while not gaining anything. Also, the verb has to agree with the subject; Caasi and Charmeleon are the ones who are looking, and therefore you use "were", not "was".
They had all just avoided being caught in that explosion, except for the Arcanine.
"All"? Considering they're two individuals, it would be far more natural to say "both", and suddenly excepting the Arcanine as if she would ordinarily have been included in this "they" is extremely odd.
"OK, come on; let's go home to get some, I have plenty there." Caasi told the Charmeleon as he started to walk in the direction of his house.
Comma before the dialogue tag.
the girl stopped as a terrible idea entered her mind.
Capitalize the T; she didn't "stop" the sentence, so this is not a dialogue tag.
she panicked while looking at the smoke cloud that was over the school.
It's a bit hard to "panic" a sentence, too.
You also repeat the word "school" in three consecutive sentences there.
"It's going to be okay Brenna, you'll make it out fine," She assured the Arcanine with tears in her eyes, "I hope."
Here, however, she is assuring the Arcanine of this sentence, so this is a dialogue tag, meaning it should not be capitalized.
She added to herself before stoking its fur again.
...added to herself? o.o
"I'll make sure whoever did this pay." the girl angrily thought, unbeknown to her that the culprits were on the other side of the park.
Another one of those periods before dialogue tags; it should be "I'll make sure whoever did this will pay", and you're using "unbeknown" in the wrong context here; just use something like "...oblivious of the fact that the culprits were on the other side of the park."
Three tall figures in black jumpsuits surrounded the red-headed girl, who automatically stood up with a strange, small, purple crystal in hand.
Suddenly now saying that the three men "surrounded" her makes it seem very odd; it sounds like you skipped a few minutes while they were approaching because you don't say she looked up to realize they were there or that she noticed them coming; you just jump from her thinking about revenge to suddenly three men surrounding her.
"Grab her." a feminine voice from among the figures commanded, the other two figures quickly following orders.
Comma before the dialogue tag, and right now you're implying the other two figures quickly followed just any orders; seeing as you want to imply they followed one particular order, you'll want to change use "following the order".
The girl dropped her crystal as her arms were seized as she struggled, "Who are you?!"
Using two "as" as conjunctions in the same sentence sounds rather choppy and awkward; I suggest you reword that part. She's also not "struggling" the sentence, so use a period before the quote starts.
"The D.A.C.U," the first figure, a woman with long, marine hair answered before stabbing a syringe of a strange green liquid into the girl's neck.
Since "a woman with long, marine hair" is a parenthetical statement (a clarification describing "the first figure"), there should be commas on both sides of it. Also, "
marine" is not a color; "
aquamarine", on the other hand, is. If you meant something else by "marine hair", I stand corrected, but I couldn't really make sense of it any other way.
"And we don't take criminals lightly." the woman dourly said, shortly injecting the liquid into the girls neck.
Again, use a comma at the end of the dialogue. You also repeat "into the girl's neck" (although here you're missing the apostrophe) at the end of both this sentence and the previous one; it's extremely distracting.
The girl's struggling seized immediately as the other two figures, one a burley man with a serious expression, the other being a more scrawny man who's face was concealed by a pair of sunglasses, dropped her to the ground.
I think you were going for "
ceased", not "
seized", and definitely "
burly" rather than "
burley". Also, the possessive form of "who" is "whose"; "who's", like other pronouns contracted with an S, stands for "who is".
"Recall FCPE-008c, grab the Essence, and grab the girl; we have work to do." the woman ordered in a firm voice before the men followed their orders.
Yet one more period to turn into a comma.
In a familiar dark room was an aged man, grey hair brushed back and still wearing his black suit, sitting in a black leather chair. The also familiar aged man was going through several documents and papers with a worried expression on his face when one of the computer monitors started to display a message: Incoming Transmission.
Familiar to whom? This is an omniscient narrator and this is an opening paragraph from no particular character's point of view; you can't just use a word like "familiar" to refer to something the reader would be familiar with since that's breaking the fourth wall (something you should only do if you really, really mean it). Also, you're
still using "the aged man" every time you mention this guy. Try to think of something else to call him? Please? Just using "the man" sometimes would help.
“Sir, there has been an explosion at the site where the Bugged Pokémon should have been.” The figure reported with a robotic tone.
Guess what I want you to do with that period and capital T.
“Explain.” The aged man commanded with slight interest in his voice.
This one too.
“Since there wasn’t any evidence of a Bugged Pokémon coming to the surface, that means it is buried under all of this rubble, sir. The explosion could have also harmed the Bugged Pokémon enough to keep it from coming to the surface, if it’s not already dead.” The man on screen explained with a slightly less evident robotic tone.
And this one. Admittedly I don't think the repetition of "with a robotic tone" really works out here; it's been too long since the previous one for it to provide the almost-repetition effect you probably intended, but too short for it to have gone out of the reader's short-term memory.
The aged man digested the information for a few seconds before responding, “Very well. You should still monitor this site for a few more days despite the fact that there are no signs of the Bugged Pokémon. Is that all?”
It really strikes me as odd to have him say "
despite the fact that there are no signs of the Bugged Pokémon". It makes him sound like he's convinced the Pokémon is no longer there, which he obviously isn't. I'd rather have him say "even if there are no signs of the Bugged Pokémon at this time" or something like that.
“No sir, while looking in the rubble we also found large amounts of blood. Pokémon blood, sir.” The figure further explained.
Period and capital T. I'm probably getting a bit predictable by now. Seriously, though, you really should look up the rules about punctuation around quotation marks.
“There isn’t sir, but this is from a normal Pokémon. We tested it and confirmed it was Arcanine blood, sir. The Arcanine was the one who started the fire, not the Bugged Pokémon, sir.” The figure further elaborated.
Since "sir" is a direct address, surround it by commas on both sides, not just one. Yet another period and capital, and you really do seem to go out of your way to find replacements for "said" sometimes. "Further elaborated?" You don't need dialogue tags like that.
Also the problem with calling somebody "the figure" when we should have gotten quite a good look at him already and should be able to define him better than that.
We have both captured the Arcanine's body ands its owner, along with a Essence crystal.
"Ands"? Also, drop the comma; it's not needed here. And "Essence" starts with a vowel, so that should be "an".
As for the Arcanine itself, sir, we think it was caught in the explosion. The injuries evident were too serious for it to escape the blast and we're still trying to understand how its escaped, sir.
Wait, what? Before that paragraph where the men were surrounding Miss Pyromaniac, she was sitting there stroking the Arcanine's fur; she never recalled her. Again I'm starting to seriously think a paragraph or two went missing at that spot.
And I'd replace that and with a semicolon ("...too serious for it to escape the blast; we're still trying to..."), and you put "how
its escaped".
Oh, come on. "Informed"? And this is yet another period and capital on either side of a closing quote when it's a dialogue tag that follows, by the way.
“Yes sir.” The figure answered before the transmission was cut.
Again, "sir" is a direct address; that should be "Yes, sir." That and the period should be a comma and the T uncapitalized as usual.
The document says that there is (was) only one reported sighting of an Arcanine in the world, involved with a casino fire.
*whines* You were so close, and here you get to random present tense at the end of the chapter again? The document
said that there
had been only one reported sighting of an Arcanine in the world.
“Dr. Ghordine, I need every file we have on buildings that were burned due to Pokémon activity and were shortly then bombed.” The aged man ordered into the intercom.
"shortly then"? I think you were going for "shortly afterwards", although this implies the burning and the bombing are two unrelated events happening perhaps weeks or months apart; it would be better to use "...and then exploded" or something like that.
The revelation of who he is is nice, although like a good many other things in this fic it is kind of spoiled by the clichéd way in which it is presented. Having villains or other mysterious figures reveal their names by swearing they'll do something "or my name isn't [something]" is awfully cheesy, and even though here he isn't actually saying it out loud to the protagonist, it still sounds kind of lame (have you ever thought this to yourself?). Seeing as you're using an omniscient narrator, there is nothing stopping you from just revealing the name ordinarily in the narration in the last sentence: "Aaron Ace leaned back in his chair and scratched his chin. Something was strange about this bombing, and he was going to find out how it connected to the casino."
Of course, I'm still extremely surprised that there has been no other record of an Arcanine or of Miss Pyromaniac herself connected to any fires, considering how much you imply they've been burning down over the past years.
Although I did burn down an entire building, burn everyone in it, and tried to kill the only survivor, I’m not a cold blooded killer, really.
Here it would be "...and
try to kill the only survivor," since you're saying she
did try. Although I'd word it more like "Although I did burn down an entire building with everyone in it and try to kill the only survivor..." It sounds better without the repetition of "burn".
Actually, everybody who wondered why is dead by now (due to their “methods” of finding out, as in “touching” me)
...uh. Yeah, I'm not buying that. People don't feel the genitals of a huge dog that breathes fire. They just don't. Particularly because people generally don't feel the genitals of dogs in general if they're wondering about the sex of the dog; they'll ask the owner or just stick to wondering. (That or they just figure it out by looking, although of course I don't know if your interpretation of Pokémon makes that a possibility.)
Also, we already know she's female. Miss Pyromaniac's narrative told us that, hence why I've been calling the Arcanine a "her" for the review since then.
and is probably has died with at least four-degree burns present at their time of death
This sentence makes no sense, mostly because of "is probably has died" and "with burns present". Just go with "and probably died with at least fourth-degree burns on their body" or something similar.
Most people also wonder why my name isn’t something like “Blaze”, “Fire”, or even “Flame”
Why would they?
Particularly so when, as you go on to say, they haven't actually been told that the
isn't called that?
(But those people are dead and that’s because people can’t know my name and be allowed to live. It’s complicated)
Uncapitalize the B, change the period into a semicolon and add a period after it, or, alternatively, put a period after the sentence before it and inside the parentheses after "It's complicated." Either you end the sentence before the opening parentheses, and then you write any number of whole sentences inside the parentheses along with their punctuation, or you include the parentheses before the ending punctuation of the previous sentence, in which case the part inside the parentheses can't contain any periods.
when I was brought to a prison by a tall man in a white suit and given to a certain pyromaniac you know.(can’t tell you her name, it’s classified).
Again. Either make it "...a certain pyromaniac you know. (Can't tell you her name; it's classified.)" or "...a certain pyromaniac you know (can't tell you her name; it's classified)."
but if I was to go back to that one moment
Here you'd use "but if I
were".
What (actually, who) got me so interested in fire was the pyromaniac herself,
The comma after this should be a period. Also, the parentheses seem strange to me; it would work better as "What (or rather, who) got me so interested..."
One thing that astonished me how it was so small when it started, barely a threat to anybody. When it starts to grow, however, it gains the ability to spread, breath, and destroy, sometimes in mere seconds.
There's a "was" missing between "me" and "how". This should not be in two sentences, because then it implies that what astonished her is just that it's so small when it starts, and that the growing is unrelated to that. Also, "breath" is the noun; "to breathe" is the verb. So it should be, "One thing that astonished me was how it was so small when it started, barely a threat to anybody, but when it grew it gained the ability to spread, breathe, and destroy, sometimes in mere seconds."
(I knew she didn’t think of it that way, she actually thought of me as a “friend”, a word that perplexed me as a Growlithe)
The first comma should be a semicolon (the whole sentences-on-both-sides thing).
The day when I learned how to control fire was the day I first experienced the feeling of power, it was also the day when I learned what it took to be a “friend”.
Another comma splice; this time I'd change the comma to a period.
What I was told by the man in the white suit, Arcanine are supposed to become more aggressive and territorial around fire.
"What I was told by the man in the white suit
was that Arcanine..."
I can’t just sit still when I’m surrounded by fire, I have to get out there and do something I rarely do when I’m away from fire: kill.
Yet another comma splice. Change the comma to either a period or a semicolon; you can pick, since either way sounds good.
At first it scared me, ripping somebody’s flesh apart and turning them into bleeding messes of organs, bones, and limbs just does that to you.
And yet another one. Change the first comma to a semicolon here.
Now I don’t mean I murdered people on a regular basis, I just enjoy it when I do it.
I'm getting an increasing urge to volunteer to be your beta-reader so I can just correct the mistakes and send it back to you instead of quoting every other sentence and typing out what's wrong with the grammar and punctuation in it. Comma after "Now", "murdered" should be in present tense here because this chapter's general narration is in present tense, and the comma should be a semicolon.
Ah, **** it. I can't be bothered to point out all your punctuation errors anymore. I've already taught you the main rules you're breaking left and right here (don't separate two whole sentences with nothing but a comma; always have a comma or other punctuation on both sides of a direct address; use a comma and a lowercase letter at the end of a line of dialogue if it is followed by a dialogue tag contaning a speech verb, but a period and a capital letter if it is not; if you have a list of adjectives followed by the noun they apply to, do not separate the adjectives from the noun with a comma); it's up to you to apply them to the rest of the chaper. Hopefully this will make it take me
slightly less to finish this chapter than it's been taking me to get this review done so far.
giving the prey (humans) to throw fits of “NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!”s, screaming, and/or cry and weep in the most pathetic display ever.
Giving them what? You're missing a word here (probably "time"). And you'll want "crying" and "weeping". And "in the most pathetic display ever" sounds weird, mostly because you're combining "pathetic display" with "the most ____ ever", two figures of speech very different in tone.
If I had 5 minutes with them
Didn't I tell you to write out numbers? Seriously, this is one of the fundamental rules. You need to beat it into your head that whenever your hand reaches for the number pad, you should stop it and type out the word.
I’m her best friend since she was 10
Again.
ARGH. Might HAVE. There is no such thing as "might of", unless you're saying "the might of Conan the Barbarian", i.e. his might. Might HAVE. Might HAVE. I know you're not a native English speaker; don't slip into those pronunciation-based bad habits that we second-languagers are normally free of.
[Silent weeping]
…
[Deep breath and some sniffling]
Eh, I really don't like this. It's random script format. You can show she's upset with her words without resorting to that.
Also, I have to say she isn't doing a very good job at making me sympathize with her so far, since it's so blatantly obvious she is at fault and they're not. You're trying to get some major good/evil ambiguity going here, but in this part it's not working. At all. We know that Caasi and Charmeleon would never have left her mutilated in the basement if she hadn't been trying to kill them first, and she knows it too; in fact, it's even funnier because most of the injuries she inflicted on herself by her own voluntary decision to jump down that elevator shaft after them. It's the same with the man who gave Miss Pyromaniac the candle and Growlithe; you mentioned in the QftL forum thread that this would make him good, but it doesn't because he obviously did both only so that he would be able to use her - if he had been truly kind, he would have given her food and shelter instead of leaving her alone in the dark with a candle.
Okay, so her name is Morgan. Nice to know. Then I won't have to call her Miss Pyromaniac all the time.
told me “I love you.”, and gave me a tag
Remove the period.
Morgan has never left me alone to do a mission, nor show me that she was really worried like she just did. I could “snap” at any second, I don’t know if I can control myself then if Morgan isn’t around.
This should be in past tense, since Brenna is recalling past events at this point. "Morgan had never left me alone to do a mission, nor shown me that she was really worried like she had just done. I could have snapped at any second; I didn't know if I could control myself when Morgan wasn't around."
There was just the drab, grey, walls and some dim light.
Were.
Shaking off the sleep, (and the nightmare)
Move the comma to after the parentheses.
I heard the elevator come to a screeching halt.
I've never heard an elevator come to a "screeching" halt.
If I “snapped”, I probably will get myself killed and mess up the mission in the process.
"If I snapped, I
would probably get myself killed."
The large hallway was filled with fire hazards; paper projects practically coating the walls, several pieces of furniture were made of unprotected wood, and the floor had a rug, the type that burned like a dream. To top it all off, there wasn’t a source of water or a fire extinguisher in sight. Every human’s attention was fixed on me, frozen in place, walking candles.
Definite highlight of the chapter, particularly the "type that burned like a dream" part and the "walking candles". I can just picture the fire addict staring at all that, wanting to set it all on fire and not even knowing where to begin.
I bursted out of the elevator
I'm reasonably sure it's just "burst".
The next floor was separated, for some bizarre reason, by a brick wall in the middle of the hallway, keeping my fire at bay and forming the hallway into an “L” shape.
Having a very hard time picturing this; a brick wall in the middle of the hallway doesn't rhyme with the hallway being L-shaped to me at all.
without worrying that they wouldn’t get far if they ran.
Here you're saying that she'd be worried that they
wouldn't get too far, when in fact you meant to imply that she didn't worry about them
getting too far.
I'm pretty sure it's "flammable".
The "I snapped" repetition really isn't working for me; it's really not a very powerful line in the first place, and instead of the repetition strengthening it as repetition can do, it only loses the little impact it had the more often you use it.
I already corrected this. Wrong "lie"! This should be "lay", and it's one of those things you
really need to learn to do right if you don't want your readers to burst out laughing in the middle of a dramatic scene.
Now I’m going to rot in some elevator shaft because I can’t control myself. If those two never showed up in the first place, I would have been outside by now. Now I’m going to make Morgan feel guilty, let down the man in the white suit, and die slowly in this pit of pain.
Now I
was going to (or
would) rot in some elevator shaft; if those two
had never
shown up in the first place; now I
was going to (or, again,
would) make Morgan feel guilty.
The flames started to spill from my muzzle, more and more spilling
Repetition of "spill".
”I won’t give a damn if your legs are put though a food processor, you are going to kill that human. No excuses. Get it before it runs out the emergency exit.
”But--
”I WASN’T ASKING! I’M ORDERING YOU TO KILL IT!
All of these lines are missing closing quotes. Also, you seem awfully fond of making characters have heated internal arguments.
I believe people speak of being "on a roll".
But instead I’m being ordered around to do this.
I was.
So. The plot is still intriguing. Mostly you have some logic and cliché ploblems, and your punctuation, I'm sorry to say, is really quite horrible. You've wasted an awful lot of time now just telling us about the school burning down, which is really destroying the pace, though; I particularly didn't find the Arcanine's point of view very enlightening at all because she's pretty much impossible to relate to and it didn't reveal anything interesting we didn't know already from either Caasi's chapters or Morgan's POV.
Keep posting it. I'll be reading. But getting a beta really would be a good idea if you're not good at picking up grammatical rules after having them mentioned to you once.
