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Elite Force

Gible443

Active Member
Set in the year 2025, I am hoping it will be a big hit.


Elite Force Chapter 1
My name is Alex Brooks and I am about to take the Elite Four challenge. It takes m e back to when I watched the elite four unison on TV. I wasn’t old enough to become a Pokemon trainer then but I followed every tournament very closely. The Elite Four unison was when the Elite Four from Sinnoh, Hoehn, Johto and Kanto joined together in the Indigo Plateau. That meant twenty Elite Four members and thirty two Gym Leaders budding for a promotion. They had a huge tournament to decide who would become the new Elite Four. I remember the quarter finals vividly. Whoever won would become Elite Four members. It came down to Misty, Bugsy, Maylene, Janine, Azure, Gray, Jasmine and Erika. Misty lost to Bugsy, Azure lost Maylene, Erika was no match for Janine’s poison types and in a surprise result Jasmine’s steel types fell to Gray’s normal types. Gray won the whole tournament and became champion. Maylene grabbed third place and became Elite Four number three, despite battling poison types. Bugsy nearly snatched championship but was denied by Gray at the last moment. That left one space that the champion would have to give. Gray gave the spot to Azure for being the best newcomer. I need to analyze everything about these trainers to win. Azure’s Vapoureon was her toughest and Azure has the grand title of the first trainer to be an Elite Four member before a Gym Leader. Janine’s new favourites are Swalot and Skuntank. Being dark and poison type means Skuntank’s only weakness is ground which I lack. Maylene has three Lucario, a Machamp and a Medicham makes her pretty tough. No real strategy for her, I just need to go for it. Bugsy is going to be a lot harder. His Scizor and Pinsword are enough to scare me, let alone his Beedrill. Bug types have a lot of weaknesses but Scizor is steel type restricting me to Fire. Nothing Flareon can’t handle. Gray’s Togekiss is known as the first and most powerful one of all time. Nothing I have has a type advantage, which means I’m going to need real strategy. I send out my six Pokemon and gaze at them proudly. They’ve come so far with me. It’s going to be hard defeating the Elite but I can do it. I look at Snorlax who always has a smile. As a Munchlax he was lazier but after a tough training program he is more active than ever. Cloyster is self-centred and always thinks self-preservation is most important. She can be a really good friend when the time comes. Ninjask is seen as a bully but really he is just sarcastic to the extent it sounds mean. Gegar is Ninjask’s partner in crime. He will never tag battle with anyone else. That’s only because their best friends. Flareon is my second starter. He is courageous and brave and will battle anyone. I know what you’re thinking, second starter? He wouldn’t leave without the other Eevee I chose. That Eevee is now Umbreon. She is my true starter. Her defensive talent is outstanding. She also has incredibly high attack power. An Umbreon with high attack power is extremely rare. Her father was a Typhlosion and her mother a Flareon, thus giving her incredible attack power. I hear a shout from behind me. Someone is calling my name. I immediately recognise the voice.
“Alex,” Its my rival. Lewis Parry. Man, I hate him. He always ruins stuff like this. “You aren’t going anywhere till we battle, three on three.”
If it’s a battle he wants it’s a battle he’ll get!
“Snorlax, you know the drill.” I shout and Snorlax leaps about a foot forward and walks to his battle position.
“Slow down there, eager!” Lewis yells. He pulls a black orb with a yellow stripe on it. It looked rather like a tennis ball on the top. He hurls it into the air and it opens with a bright flash. A six-foot humanoid with orange feathers stands ready to combat Snorlax. “Blaziken, show this obese monkey how it’s done with sky uppercut!” Snorlax laughs at Lewis’ remark and turns to me.
“Defend yourself how you want to.” I say eager to see how Snorlax will react. Blaziken leaps for the uppercut. Snorlax defends with head butt. Blaziken was bluffing sky uppercut. Instead Blaziken leapfrogs Snorlax and delivers a double kick into his back. Snorlax tumbles forwards and crashes to the ground. He gets back up steadily and looks at Blaziken angrily. “Use Body Slam Snorlax!” I shout and Snorlax leaps up, casting a shadow over Blaziken who dodges the landing with seconds to spare.
“Flare Blitz, Blaziken!” Lewis shouts. Blaziken shoots himself at Snorlax, now a burning torpedo. I realize Lewis has made a terrible mistake as Blaziken slams into Snorlax. Blaziken falls down but Snorlax doesn’t. Thick fat, Snorlax’ ability, means ice and fire bounce off him. Blaziken pulls a sneaky sky uppercut. Snorlax falls, defeated. It had been a ploy. Blaziken and Lewis knew it all along. We both recall our Pokemon. I nod to Ninjask who speeds out like a blur. An Alakazam floats by Lewis’ side. Ninjask smiles a smile that means “I’ve got you now!”
“Fury Cutter!” I shout and Ninjask speeds off, hardly visible. Alakazam is flinching roaring as a blur moves across him, time and time again, until he falls to the ground, unconscious. I laugh out loud as Ninjask lands on my head snips off a single hair, accurately.
“You wont beat my next Pokemon! No one has!” In a flash of a light a twelve foot monster makes an incredibly eerie roar. It has six eyes of three colours and plant-like growths on its shoulders. Two gold rigs next to the growths. “Say hello to Regigigas!”
“You up for challenge, Umbreon?” I ask.
 
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I am hoping it will be a big hit.

So do i, seriously. but the way this looks, unless something changes, you'll only be a cause of blindness. I'm sorry, but truthfully my eyes were killing me just to look at it.

Nice AD: OK, enough of evil AD, nice Ad is stepping up to bat!

Evil AD: count yerself lucky kid. I was only getting warmed up!

Nice AD: ok, now that he's gone, let me explain why this is going wrong:

1. there is next to zero paragraphing AT ALL. try double spacing. it'll make it at least easier to read without being a boring run-on.

2. length needs addressing pronto! for a first attempt, i'll be nice. Prologue's must be at least a page length in MS Word and chapters need a minimum of three. for chapter one, this is way too short.

3. your description also leaves much to be desired. to quote one of my mentors on the forum boards, "Don't just tell them it's there, let them see that it's there." don't say, 'A typhlosion comes in to play,', let the reader visualize its blue black pelt and yellow underbelly, its snarling maw and vicious ruby red eyes. Let the reader literally feel the heat it burns off searing the arena under and around its feet, see the dancing flames flare to life on its back, cower at its six foot plus frame... well, you get the idea. work some more on trainer and surroundings description too. Alex could be a green martian for all i know...

4. Dont be in a rush to pull out all your characters in one go. let them appear and be described as they're called into battle. OK?

Well, that's my advice. all the best!
 
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