Forever Alone

[Snivyhero]

Hey this is my second fan-fic. I know I have another fan-fic, but I felt like doing another, and I had a great idea. Please comment, give tips, and point out my mistakes, and I hope you enjoy.

~ Snivyhero



Chapter 1 ~ Out Of Breath

Emma looked over behind her shoulder, making sure that nobody had followed her into the alley way. All she saw was the emptiness and loneliness of the gloomy path behind her. She looked in front of her, taking a deep breath, and started down the dark trail that laid before her.

As Emma breathed, she could she her breath in the cold air. She sighed, wishing that would have never happened, or it will never happen again.

Suddenly, she could hear footsteps behind her. She whipped her head around, clutching onto her necklace. Nothing was behind her. She shrugged, and went down the path once more. Once again, she hearded footsteps, but she stopped instead of turning around.

A hand touched Emma's shoulder, and it whispered "Hello little girl."

Emma frowned "What do you want from me?"

Then, Emma was turned around, and found a man standing before her "What are you doing in a place like this?"

Emma looked up, and stared into the man's dark brown eyes "Is it really any of your concern?"

"Yes." answered the man, reaching into his right coat pocket.

Emma stared even deeper into his eyes "Why?"

The man pulled out a Pokeball, and he grasped it "I bet you're the famous Emma Robyns."

"Yeah, you got a problem with that?" Emma looked at the Pokeball

"Actually, I do," the man replied "And that problem, is you my dear."

Emma looked at the man's face "Leave me alone you creep!"

The man chuckled "I'm afraid I can't do that sweetie, because from what I know, you are a best for our 'club', therefore, you must be eliminated. Attack Ariados!"

The big spider Pokemon Ariados appeared from the Pokeball, ready to fight.

Emma tore off her necklace, and tookout the Pokeball in the middle, and called out "Ready, set, go Umbreon!"

The Umbreon came out of the Pokeball, it's blue rings glowing in the darkness, and looked at the Ariados, knowing it was going to have to fight.

Emma looked at the Ariados "Umbreon, attack Ariados with Consfuse Ray!"

A dot of light came out of Umbreon's forehead, went towards Ariados, and circled it. The Ariados looked at the light in awe, then the light disappeared.

Then Emma cried out "Umbreon use Haze right now!"

A thick haze came from Umbreon's body, and the man and confused Ariados were unable to see.

Emma whistled, and Umbreon came towards her, and the two fled

 

[Snivyhero]

Emma Robyns has medium length black hair. She wears tattered dark jeans, a black and blue long sleeved shirt, always carries a black, fluffy sweater, and has dark gray boots. Her Pokemon is a shiny Umbreon.

 

[Psychic]

As I told you in your first fic thread, you need to make sure your chapters are at least two pages long or 1,000 words long, and this is neither. I also told you that you need to reread your work more carefully before you post it, because you're still making mistakes you would probably have caught and fixed had you proofread it first. Some mistakes I noticed:

As Emma breathed, she could she her breath in the cold air.

Should be "see" instead of "she".

"Yeah, you got a problem with that?" Emma looked at the Pokeball

While I didn't see this problem as much in this story, you're still making the same mistake of missing periods at the end of sentences. This is something you really need to pay attention to and be careful not to miss.

The man chuckled "I'm afraid I can't do that sweetie, because from what I know, you are a best for our 'club', therefore, you must be eliminated. Attack Ariados!"

I'm not sure what "a best for out 'club'" is supposed to mean. Maybe "the best from our 'club'"?

Emma tore off her necklace, and tookout the Pokeball in the middle, and called out "Ready, set, go Umbreon!"

"Tookout" is two words - "took out". Also, whenever someone directly addresses someone, you need a comma before or after their name. For example:
"I love you, Aron."
"Julie, where are the cookies?"
"Go, Umbreon!"
I noticed in your other story you got this right most of the time, which is definitely a step in the right direction. Again, it's something to keep in mind while writing and eventually you'll get it right every time.

The Umbreon came out of the Pokeball, it's blue rings glowing in the darkness, and looked at the Ariados, knowing it was going to have to fight.

"It's" should be "its". This is because "it's" always means "it is", and "its" means "belonging to it."

Emma whistled, and Umbreon came towards her, and the two fled

Again, missing the period at the end. You also have a habit of using "and" a lot. A good tip is not to use "and" more than one time in a sentence, or it starts to sound repetitive and kind of immature. Usually it helps to divide the sentence into two, so it could be "Emma whistled, and Umbreon came towards her. The two fled."


Also, please do not make these random posts giving descriptions of characters. If you're not posting a new chapter then you are double-posting, which is against the rules. Also, descriptions of the characters belong in the story. This is what I was telling you about description earlier. Describe the characters during the story; if you do a good job, you won't need to do this outside of the story. For example, when you talk about her walking in the alley, say "gravel crunched under her dark grey boots" or "she ran a hand through her black hair" and so on. If you describe it once, you won't need to describe it again.



Honestly, your premise looks interesting and this was a neat mysterious way to begin a story, which is really good. Unfortunately, like with your other story you're not making your chapters long enough, even when told to fix it by a mod. You're not proving that you can handle more than one story and follow the rules at the same time, so I'm going to have to close this.

That said, don't scrap this fic completely. As with any story, you should be saving this on your computer, and going back and working on each chapter multiple times. Take a few days to write and reread each chapter, looking for mistakes and places where it can be improved (such as description). This is how all writers write - you don't write something up in 20 minutes and post it right away. You take your time to refine it and make it as good as it can be, even if that takes a long time. That way when you post it for the world to see, people only see your best work and they'll know how great you can be.

Good luck,
~Psychic