Time warp

[JJ4eva6]

“Celebi!? Wait up!” Jonathan yelled as he followed the small green Pokémon as it flitted through the trees in the ilex forest at an astonishing rate. Finally Celebi stopped and floated by a shimmering silver rift in the middle of the shrine. Jonathan looked into it and Celebi let out a cry and held onto Jonathan’s back and held on tight as Jonathan dived into the rift as the duo began the process of travelling through time.

Light flashed past Jonathan’s eyes as it formed a tunnel which the duo would travel down to get to the time period Celebi wanted them to visit Jonathan turned to look at his friend,a year ago whilst travelling through the forest Jonathan had befriended Celebi and had visited it often but he hadn’t expected Celebi to take him back in time with it. Suddenly the tunnel was exposed with a blinding flash which showed that the two had finished their crossing as the white light formed a gate Celebi quickly flitted away and Jonathan tumbled out of the time travelling tunnel and hurtled towards the ground.

As the light focused into Jonathan’s eyes he looked at his surroundings he was in a hut of some sort he looked to see a small bowl of water next to the mat he was lying on assuming this was for him Jonathan picked it up and greedily drank the contents only to see a young girl smiling at him.
“Hi” the girl said “I saw you plummet out of mid air into a tree you were lucky it broke your fall you’re not too badly hurt are you?”
“No” Jonathan replied “was it you who brought me in here?”
“Yes my guards helped lift you to the hut”
“GUARDS!?” Jonathan said in astonishment
“Oh sorry I forgot to mention I’m Amanda”
“Amanda?” Jonathan thought this must be the girl who Celebi wanted him to help “Well I’m Jonathan” he said
“Would you like to try going outside?” enquired Amanda
Jonathan thought about this and then realised he still had to find Celebi
“I would please”.

As Jonathan and Amanda walked out into the forest and light burst into Jonathan’s eyes he got too look at Amanda properly,she looked about 15 and quite tall she had large brown eyes and a small dainty face she had perfectly dark brown hair and she wore a large white dress. Amanda looked at Jonathan properly since she’d seen him face down and passed out, he was a tall 15 year old with longish dark brown hair which covered his left eye he also had a scar on his left cheek.
Jonathan realised that his Pokémon were still cooped up in their Poké balls so he released his full party of six which consisted of his Arcanine, his shiny Mightyena, Ambipom, Snorlax, Skarmory and Hariyama. Amanda looked at Jonathan’s team then said “maybe you really can help us!”
“Celebi brought me back in time to help” Jonathan said
“CELEBI!???”
This new voice shocked both Jonathan and Amanda and they both looked round to see a large burly knight “who said Celebi?” he grunted Jonathan looked at this sinister heavyset man and found something about him he didn’t trust.
“Hello Oliver” Amanda said with total contempt “I wouldn’t bother looking for Celebi because Jonathan already travelled back in time with Celebi so he should be restoring his energy somewhere secret as we speak” Oliver’s reaction to this was to punch a nearby tree and curse. To which Mightyena growled at Oliver more intimidated then he let on Oliver let out a bellowing laugh “that puny thing threatens me?”
Before Oliver could say another word against Mightyena he threw an odd looking silver mechanism to the floor which released a huge Aggron Mightyena backed away slightly at the sight of the colossal threat in front of him “why don’t we battle?” said Oliver with a sly grin.

 

[Azurne]

Mkay, a couple things.

- Why is Celebi taking Jonathan through time? Better question, why is Jonathan going along with it so readily?

- Description could be better. You're using elementary adjectives and verbs, when you could be using more fitting words that fit the scene better. For instance, you describe Celebi as a "small green Pokémon". Is that really all Celebi is? Small and green?

Plus:

This new voice shocked both Jonathan and Amanda and they both looked round to see a large burly knight “who said Celebi?” he grunted Jonathan looked at this sinister heavyset man and found something about him he didn’t trust.

You're doing some telling, and not showing here. Instead of telling your reader there was something Jonathan didn't trust about him, why not show it? Was it the dark armor he was wearing (if he was wearing any at all), or his ominous look? Maybe the sharpened spear he was holding? You haven't described this man at all.

- Spacing. Your dialog is squished!

This:

“Hi” the girl said “I saw you plummet out of mid air into a tree you were lucky it broke your fall you’re not too badly hurt are you?”
“No” Jonathan replied “was it you who brought me in here?”
“Yes my guards helped lift you to the hut”

Should look something like this:

“Hi,” the girl said, “I saw you plummet out of mid air into a tree, you were lucky it broke your fall! You’re not too badly hurt are you?”

“No,” Jonathan replied, “was it you who brought me in here?”

“Yes my guards helped lift you to the hut.”

- It's a bit melodramatic and unbelievable. Lines like "I saw you plummet out of mid air into a tree you were lucky it broke your fall you’re not too badly hurt are you?" are a little cheesy, and sometimes they make your readers just roll their eyes and want to leave. Make sure your dialog has meaning, and not just cheese filler or obvious statements.

- Your grammar needs a lot of work too, and getting a beta will fix this. You've got a couple run-on sentences and some obvious typos that are bogging down your story.

- Also:

his shiny Mightyena

There's nothing wrong with having a "shiny" Pokémon, but I doubt they are actually called "Shiny" in the Pokémon world. They're probably just a rare alternative color, and something people rarely see. I do know they aren't literally shiny though. And I doubt they'd have sparkles and stars when they appeared.

Overall, this needs a lot of work, and especially a beta reader. Try to start yourself out with explaining why Celebi and Jonathan are together, and what's going on, for that matter, instead of jumping head-first into the action.

I wish you good luck on any further chapters~

~ Azurne