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Axis

S

Sempris

Guest
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AXIS​
(PG-13 Due to Violence, Some Language, and gore. Rating prone to change for some chapters)
P.s.: I don't own Pokemon. (Just in case this is a requirement here...)

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“Down the family history of the Von Diers, a curse has been passed. A curse that even our supernatural ancestors couldn’t get rid of. Its origins belong with the beginning of darkness and evil itself, thanks to the work of a gray wizard who called himself of neither good nor evil.

“He made the curse as an insurance that the world we live in will survive, and that the curse would rid the world of all impurities.

“…But it came with a price. One, pure, healthy soul must be sacrificed to invoke the curse’s power. And it must be from the Von Dier bloodline, ‘less it not work at all. So for centuries, our family has made sure that the curse had stayed alive between us, and that the curse’s existence was unbeknownst to the outside world.

“Unfortunately, the house burnt down some time ago, collapsing on itself and falling into the tarn. Our family has separated, and now we do not know where the curse is, or who will receive it, since so many others have entered our lives from other branches of family.

“Now, all we can do is wait to see what happens. And pray that the darkness doesn’t diminish what hope and peace we have left. It will rise again; the book of the Elders said so. We can only wait patiently for that time, and wish the best for the one destined to receive the curse from our tragedy-ridden family.”


~Fredrick Von Dier 12:00pm Monday January 16, ----


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I: Book of the Fallen​


Drip. Drip. Drip.

Crystal clear drops of water gracefully fell onto the leaf of a deep green forest plant, sliding off and hitting the muddy ground. Morning dew gathered on small blades of grass, reflecting the bright sunlight shining from the empty blue sky above Viridian forest.

The aroma of plants and flowers was evident, lingering over the forest greenery and drifting wherever the minuet gusts of wind took it. Viridian forest was indeed pretty in the morning, according to Vekta’s opinion. The 17-year-old girl lay sprawled out on a large tree stump as big as a Snorlax, gazing her two-colored eyes at the sky. One eye was as blue as the ocean, the other as golden as honey. People made fun of her because of that, but, nevertheless, Vekta pretty much ignored all those people now days. They get on her nerves too much and Vekta knew she was better than them anyway. What good does it do to fight back at them?

She yawned and drowsily pulled herself up to a sitting position. Every morning Vekta would come here, to this secret spot of hers inside the forest. Just to watch the sunrise. Her mom had said she was a true early bird, but Vekta tended to disagree. She couldn’t be anymore of a lazy bum. Sleeping in the morning classes at school, taking naps whenever possible at home. What else was there to do anyway? Training Pokemon sounds like a lot of fun, but after seeing all those poor little ten year olds get slashed up by a Scyther or getting run over by a Tauros, Vekta thought she’d play it safe and stay home for a while. Yeah, sure, everyone finds adventure exciting, but Vekta preferred her non-changing, everlasting, happy, way of life. Things just seemed to be better that way…

The sun rose ever slowly above the tree line, spilling light in between the gaps of leaves adorning the trees in the thick woods. Tying up her silver mass of hair (also sometimes mistaken for being albino) she checked her watch.

8:20.

Just enough time to get to school and slide into 1st period Physics class. She stood up and grabbed her blue backpack, swinging it over one shoulder.

“Pika?” The infamous voice of a Pikachu caught Vekta’s attention. “Pika? Pika Pii?” Vekta sighed.

“Look, I don’t have time for you now. Go away.” The small familiar yellow mouse gave a quiver of its nose, and tilted its lightning bolt tail. She rolled her eyes and began walking towards the exit of the forest.

“Pikaa!!” The Pikachu called after. It scrambled on all fours in front of her and threw its arms out defiantly.

“What do you want now…?” Vekta seemed displeased and a frown graced her normally stoic face. “I don’t have any food, if that’s what you’re after.” The Pikachu vigorously shook its head, still reluctant to let her pass.

“Well, then if you’ll excuse me..-“ Vekta tried walking past the rodent, only to be bitten square in the ankle by it. “-Youch! Ah! Stupid little rat-!” Hopping on one foot, she tried to inspect the damage. Blood pounded profusely out of her left ankle, staining her white sock. “…Great.” Vekta mustered the most hateful malice-laced glare she could, and shot it at the Pikachu, who was sitting innocently nearby. “You’ll pay for that…” The Pikachu didn’t respond, only continued to watch her with interest. “Argh, why’d you have to go and do that for anyway?” Still clutching her bleeding ankle, she hobbled over back to the stump to retrieve a band-aid from her backpack.

“Pikkaa…” The Pikachu slowly crawled to the strange girl, inching its way to Vekta’s ever-closer backpack. Vekta, meanwhile, took her shoe off and pulled her sock down. Dried blood was caked onto her ankle, some of it a deep red still.

“Wonderful…” She muttered, still occupied by her wound. The Pikachu crept into her backpack, half in and half out, shoving some stuff around and searching for something… Vekta reached for her backpack and pulled it up onto the stump so it was sitting next to her, noting the extra strength it took to pull it up. “Odd…” She wondered. She noticed the Pikachu must have had run away, considering it was no longer standing in its previous spot and there was no sign of a Pokemon anywhere. So, she resumed looking for her band-aid in the front compartments of her bag. Again noting the strange lump inside the mid-section, making her bag bulge. She pulled a brand-named band-aid out and peeled the translucent paper off of the sticky sides, placing it on her heel.

Her bag squirmed. Vekta stopped. It squirmed again, rocking from side to side. And this time, she stood up, one of her feet barefooted, and held her bag upside down, letting the contents fall out and onto the wet grass. Pikachu plummeted from within the bag onto the hard ground, shaking itself off.

“Ah-Ha.” Vekta eyeballed it suspiciously, and dropped the empty book bag. “…And here I thought you’d been a good little Pokemon and ran away.” She approached and stopped just a few feet from Pikachu’s tail.

The sun rose at a high point now above the trees, and the light caught something in Pikachu’s hands. Vekta felt her throat constrict. Pikachu was holding her prized necklace, the one her mother gave her for her tenth birthday. It was a bright silver cross with a snake intertwined around it, and a deep blue stone behind the cross with a few diamonds embedded on the silver to make it shine even in the smallest amount of light. Supposedly to be an ancient and valued possession of her ancestors, Vekta didn’t want it in the hands of a wild Pikachu who could discard it anywhere and leave it to rust.

“Alright you… Hand the necklace over to me.” She demanded. “It’s very important.” Pikachu, still clutching the necklace, rose onto its small feet and dashed to the other end of the forest. “Hey! Wait!” Vekta unwillingly gave chase, and left all of her belongings at the tree stump, even forgetting she had only one shoe on.

The Pikachu ran and ran for what seemed like hours. Or maybe it seemed that way because Vekta was a wee bit out of shape. Nevertheless, by the time it stopped, Vekta was out of breath and coughing.

“Pika! Pika Pii!” Vekta couldn’t stop her ragged breathing, but she had just enough strength to look up at their arrival place. A huge archway, leading into a pitch-black tunnel that led to God knows where. Already Vekta was getting bad vibes about this place, but turning around wasn’t an option; considering Pikachu still had her necklace. Not to mention Vekta has absolutely no sense of direction at all, and do you really think she was paying any attention to where they were going?

“Alright you little rascal. You’ve had your fun, now give it back to me!” Pikachu now had the chain in its mouth, and Vekta was beginning to worry about Pokemon slime being all over it.
“Come on…” She looked around and spotted some wild Pecha berries. Time to try a different tactic. If it was food he was after… One by one, she picked the berries and held them out. “Here… Try these.” Pikachu’s ear’s twitched, almost agreeing to her offer. Vekta pushed closer. “They’re really good…” She coaxed. Pikachu turned its head. It made a deal with the wise one. And it would keep it. Pikachu took off into the cave, without so much as a backward glance. “Damn it…”

Suddenly, a bright light erupted from inside the cave. “What the…?” Vekta had to shield her eyes from the intense light. Even with her eyes shut, she could still see white. It enveloped her with warmth, but yet filled her mind with fear. A cackling noise was heard, and a few rocks surrounding the wall of the cave came crashing down with a thunderous roar. The light seemed to have gone as quickly as it had come, and Vekta was soon able to open her eyes again. Small black splotches still dotted her vision though.

“Ah, so you’re the chosen one.” A voice said, matter-of-factly.

“W-what? Who’s there?” Vekta’s vision cleared up from its foggy state, and she made out the distinct form of a Banette. Erm, She was pretty sure that’s what they called them anyway…

“I’m Clarice, call me whatever you want. I really don’t care.” The white Banette crossed its arms over its chest.

“Wait. This doesn’t make sense… Pokemon don’t talk.” Vekta stared. “And I may be no Pokemon expert, but I thought Banettes were usually a darker color? What did you mean by ‘chosen one’? How- where did you come from?” Now her head was starting to hurt, this is too much for one day. Confused and utterly bewildered, she backed away.

“Whoa, whoa there young one, don’t have a melt down on me now. You’ll need all the sanity you have when this whole thing starts.” The Banette, Clarice, suggested. “Believe me, this is going to be one long bumpy ride. Now listen up; I have your necklace. But the necklace must stay with me. Understand?” Vekta tried to remain calm and composed, but it seemed so much simpler in the movies.

“Y-yes.” Clarice nodded.

“Good. Do you know your heritage?” Heritage? Vekta ran over what she knew of her family. Nothing too special… Maybe a few Good Samaritan acts here and there. Impatient, the Banette answered for her. “You don’t. Am I wrong?” Vekta silently shook her head. “Too bad I don’t have time to tell you. Give me your left hand. You’re right-handed correct?” Vekta shook her head again.

“No. Other way around.”

“Left-handed? My, you do come from my sister’s side. Alright then, give me your right hand.” Should I trust it? Vekta thought, I might as well be played a fool right now, never ever have I seen anything like this before… Her hand was still shaking when she reached out to Clarice. The white ghost then snatched her hand, and before Vekta could ask, a searing pain burned right through her hand.

“Ahh!”

“Don’t worry, it will only last a few more seconds.” Clarice stated calmly. A sky blue flame enveloped around Vekta’s hand, and the burning was already dying down a bit. “Done.” She released Vekta’s hand and let her collapse onto the ground. “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Vekta was holding her throbbing hand like a lifeline. Was she kidding? It hurt like hell!

“Humph. Strong silent type, eh? Keep to yourself too much? Ah well. You’ll learn.” Vekta turned her palm up. A black symbol was burned into her hand. A crest with two slashes through it, and a word of some sort in a language she couldn’t understand.

“You’ll get it later.” Vekta had enough of this secretive Banette.

“What is it with these ‘later’ things anyway? Why can’t you tell them to me now?” She then noticed the Banette was disappearing… It was almost translucent compared to when it first appeared. “What?” Clarice winked.

“You’ll get it later.” Then the Banette dissipated into the sky, fragmented in pieces of white, floating to the clouds.

“I don’t think I’m getting any of this.” Vekta glanced at her hand again, wishing this was a dream and that she must’ve fallen asleep on the tree stump. “I don’t think I’m going to school today…”

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End of super-short chapter one. It’s only three pages, but it got the job done. Next chapter, we go into some exciting stuff. And a revelation is in store for Vekta also. Even a partner she wasn’t expecting decides to tag along for the ride…

All kinds of reviewing is allowed. That includes flames, CC, random outbursts... Anything you feel like typing in that little reply box.

Think of me as the cookie monster. Only instead of eating cookies, I eat reviews. FEED ME. :brawr:
 
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Novacaine

Prelude of Insanity
;_; But I'm hungry. -All helpless like.-

Alright, It was very good. Kept me interested. I saw it as more of a prelude than a chapter because it tells of how things began, and leaves you wondering what the hell everything is. BUT. That's just me. There's supposed to be something at the end to keep the reader reading. Then again that journal entry was the prelude..so..yah. Gah! Confusing myself.^_^; -Got the random bit out.-

Now, I saw only one mistake:

The Banette, Clarice, suggested.
Since Clarice could be taken out of the sentence without making what's left a fragment, you need to put a comma before and after the addition. This isn't true for all sentences though.

Also, there were some plot holes. What happened to the Pikachu and he necklace? If it was so valuable, why didn't she try to get it back again? >>;; The Vekta seems lazy and a little careless, but still, she really treasured it. Shouldn't she try to get it back?

The imagery was great, and I loved how you let me hear the water, see the sunrise and learn a biy about the character. ^_^ I expect great things from this fic.
 
S

Sempris

Guest
*Squee* A review! *Hugs*

Ah, damn, I missed something. I hate grammer. It must die. <<; [SPOIL]The whole necklace thing + Pikachu is in the beginning of next chapter.[/SPOIL] Yes, Vekta is careless and lazy. Which is why I'm going to have a lot of fun when she needs to start being responsible. :3 The filler-in chapter is also chapter two. Think of chapter two as being a prologue, except not in the beginning. o_O; Yes, I'm weird.

I'm glad the imagry went over well. My descriptions suck, so I went (or at least tried) to go overboard. *Gives you a cookie* 8D Thankies!
 

Magnus

Rainbow Trainer
Interesting, I like a good story with the whole "epic" save the world feel. Besides it being to short I didn't see anything wrong. Can't wait for the next chapter.
 

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
I've wanted to read this for a while now. Er, a fews days, anyway.

Its origins belong with the beginning of darkness and evil itself, thanks to the work of a gray wizard who called himself of neither good nor evil.

This strikes me as paradoxical. Its origins were with the beginning of darkness, but the origin wasn't evil?

‘less it not work at all.

I think you meant 'lest' not ' 'less'.

“Unfortunately, the house burnt down

WHat house? 'The' refers to a specific house we should be familiar with. Did you mean 'our house?'

wherever the minuet gusts of wind took it.

I think you meant 'minute.' A minuet is a step in a dance, if I'm not mistaken.

Viridian forest was indeed pretty in the morning, according to Vekta’s opinion. The 17-year-old girl lay sprawled out on a large tree stump as big as a Snorlax, gazing her two-colored eyes at the sky. One eye was as blue as the ocean, the other as golden as honey. People made fun of her because of that, but, nevertheless, Vekta pretty much ignored all those people now days. They get on her nerves too much and Vekta knew she was better than them anyway. What good does it do to fight back at them?

Whoah, there's the paragraph most new authors try to avoid. You have weird name, unique features, and better-than-thou attitude all in four sentences, coupled with the hunch I have that she is the curse-carrier-world-savior-person. I'm afraid of the sue potential I see here.

What good does it do to fight back at them?

You generally don't fight back 'at' someone. You just 'fight back;' the 'at' is redundant and makes the sytax sound really weird.

Just to watch the sunrise.

Fragment much. Do combine with pervious sentence.

She's a pretty off-putting character. What does she have to be so miserable about, I wonder? I do hope that was intentional.

I have sue alarms blaring in my head right now, which is really a shame since your prose is quite good.

If she hates her hair color so much, why doesn't she dye it?

She pulled a brand-named band-aid out and peeled the translucent paper off of the sticky sides, placing it on her heel.

Brand-name band-aid? Like a Gucci bandaid? [/couldn't help myself]

The sun rose at a high point now above the trees, and the light caught something in Pikachu’s hands.

High point? It's noon now? That would mean over three hours would had to have passed.

turning around wasn’t an option; considering Pikachu still had her necklace

That semicolon should be a comma. Semicolons must connect two complete sentences.

and do you really think she was paying any attention to where they were going?

Ouch. The fourth wall just shattered, and it cut me :(

“Wait. This doesn’t make sense… Pokemon don’t talk.” Vekta stared. “And I may be no Pokemon expert, but I thought Banettes were usually a darker color? What did you mean by ‘chosen one’? How- where did you come from?”

C'mon, for serious, who would actually say all that? Maybe a "Holy hell!" or something, but never in a time have fear have I heard someone start rattling off questions save "What's going on?" And I get the feeling he's going to tell her anyway, so it's not necessary.

“I don’t think I’m getting any of this.” Vekta glanced at her hand again, wishing this was a dream and that she must’ve fallen asleep on the tree stump. “I don’t think I’m going to school today…”

What a strange reaction... 'Some randar weirdly colored Banette just did something to me, hm, guess I can't go to school today?' Wtf, if you don't mind?

---

Now, despite what above poster said, lengh is a trivial thing. I could just as easy write one sentence that may be better than someone else's ten paragraphs.

I really, really dislike Vekta. I just... ehhh... her character was so, so full of holes, and she really was a generic 'save-the-world' sue sprinkled with 'better-than-thou' and 'goth' sue characteristics. Ehmagod, life sucks, I look like a freak and everyone tortures me but I think I'm totally normal and not weird at all, random talking pokemon do something weird to me and I'm unresponsive... it's boring. I've seen it before. It was awful.

Banette's character was pretty bad, too. Pokemon are *not* weird-looking people. They're just not. That's all there is to it. If you're going to have a Banette acting like that, why not just use a ghost of an ancestor? It's the same thing, and it shouldn't be.

I actually really like 'save-the-world' plots, and you're sig seemed to imply that you've got a pretty unconventional one. Your prose was quite good and enjoyable, but your girl is pretty a sue, and it's not too much fun. I do hope you can salvage her, because I'd like to see this idea work out.

Oh, and out of curiosity, is English your second language? Nothing bad, just some weird syntaxes, and a lot of people here are multilingual.

Good luck with this.
 
S

Sempris

Guest
Thanks, Act, for the CC. Now...

This strikes me as paradoxical. Its origins were with the beginning of darkness, but the origin wasn't evil?

Well, the Wizard called himself of neither good or evil, but it was viewed by the family to be part of the darkness as the cursed was placed upon them and not anyone else. Probably shoud've cleared that up... >>;

I think you meant 'lest' not ' 'less'.

I intended for that to be part of the way the character speaks. But I see where you're coming from.

WHat house? 'The' refers to a specific house we should be familiar with. Did you mean 'our house?'

I'm sorry, I presumed that because it was a member of the family speaking, people would pick up on it that it was -their- house.

I think you meant 'minute.' A minuet is a step in a dance, if I'm not mistaken.

Curse typos.

Whoah, there's the paragraph most new authors try to avoid. You have weird name, unique features, and better-than-thou attitude all in four sentences, coupled with the hunch I have that she is the curse-carrier-world-savior-person. I'm afraid of the sue potential I see here.

She has a weird name because... of something. The unique features were so that you could memorize her better. Most people tend to remember others because of something interesting or unique about them. And the better-than-thou and mary-sueish attitude, will be roasted. I intended for that paragraph to give her a 'I-could-care-less' attitude combined with laziness. Sorry if it seemed sue-ish. Rest assured nothing has tragically happened to make her feel 'miserable'.

You generally don't fight back 'at' someone. You just 'fight back;' the 'at' is redundant and makes the sytax sound really weird.

Now that's something I would never have picked up on... My school has yet to cover these 'syntaxes' or whatever you call them.

If she hates her hair color so much, why doesn't she dye it?

Where did I imply that she hated her hair that much? I simply stated sometimes it was mistaken for being albino, which she's not. It was meant to show her annoyance with being called albino.


Brand-name band-aid? Like a Gucci bandaid? [/couldn't help myself]

XD I have never heard of that band-aid name, but sure, whatever. :p

High point? It's noon now? That would mean over three hours would had to have passed.

I really need someone to beta for me. It's not that high, just above thet treeline where the sun can shine just enough to catch a glimmer.

That semicolon should be a comma. Semicolons must connect two complete sentences.

I'm surprised MS word didn't catch that. I thought I looked it over a thousand times... My eyes must have been out in la-la land again. :sigh:

Ouch. The fourth wall just shattered, and it cut me

It was meant to imply she has no sense of direction and she is not really paying attention.

C'mon, for serious, who would actually say all that? Maybe a "Holy hell!" or something, but never in a time have fear have I heard someone start rattling off questions save "What's going on?" And I get the feeling he's going to tell her anyway, so it's not necessary.

People react to different things because of their personality. Hers is one of the few that can't contain themselves.

What a strange reaction... 'Some randar weirdly colored Banette just did something to me, hm, guess I can't go to school today?' Wtf, if you don't mind?

Did you mean random? XP

She's been raised with nothing eventful. She's used to daily routines, going to school, coming home, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. So it comes as sort of a mental shock to have to suddenly get off that routine, and do something different. She's just been knocked off of her one-way railroad track.

I really, really dislike Vekta. I just... ehhh... her character was so, so full of holes, and she really was a generic 'save-the-world' sue sprinkled with 'better-than-thou' and 'goth' sue characteristics. Ehmagod, life sucks, I look like a freak and everyone tortures me but I think I'm totally normal and not weird at all, random talking pokemon do something weird to me and I'm unresponsive... it's boring. I've seen it before. It was awful.

Sues = Bad. As I said before, she was supposed to come out lazy and uncaring, not 'life sucz!!111!!' There's a line between lazy, forgetful, uncaring, and wanting to die, hating everyone around them, and being a total loner. I was hoping not to cross that line, but evidently, I did. T-T

Banette's character was pretty bad, too. Pokemon are *not* weird-looking people. They're just not. That's all there is to it. If you're going to have a Banette acting like that, why not just use a ghost of an ancestor? It's the same thing, and it shouldn't be.

When did I say she was a weird looking person? @_@ You're right, I could've used a ghost, and your question is right on the dot. Why didn't I?

I actually really like 'save-the-world' plots, and you're sig seemed to imply that you've got a pretty unconventional one. Your prose was quite good and enjoyable, but your girl is pretty a sue, and it's not too much fun. I do hope you can salvage her, because I'd like to see this idea work out.

I hope to expand more on her character next chapter than the plot. (Plot is involved, though.) Thanks for the kind words!

Oh, and out of curiosity, is English your second language? Nothing bad, just some weird syntaxes, and a lot of people here are multilingual.

O.O

Does that mean I suck at my own language? XP Now that kills. No it's not second, it's first. [Sad, but true] And I don't know what syntaxes are, :Feels stupid: so I'm going to go look up what they are now...

Your criticism was deeply appreciated. You're what's going to make my chapter just a little better next time. 8D

Magnus, Yours was deeply appreciated too! You've all forced me to start working on chapter two now...
 

Kiyohime

Well-Known Member
Bah, I'm always late. ;_;

What can I say what hasn't already been said? Act hath descended and bestowed her goldly powers of reviewing so this is what I shalt say:

1. I love Banette, so I'm pleased to see it being featured.

2. You have a very original, interesting title which drew me in.

3. I find your style to be very pleasant; you have a good mind for writing, and it shows.

End my crappy review. <<;
 

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
*singlehandedly pwns Scrap*

Anyway, just a few asides:

I'm sorry, I presumed that because it was a member of the family speaking, people would pick up on it that it was -their- house.

Oh, I figured it out. But it's still not techinically right, so I pointed it out.

Where did I imply that she hated her hair that much? I simply stated sometimes it was mistaken for being albino, which she's not. It was meant to show her annoyance with being called albino.

I dunno, she sounded somewhat annoyed-- I know I'd dye it, especially if people kept calling me 'albino.' Just a thought.

I'm surprised MS word didn't catch that. I thought I looked it over a thousand times... My eyes must have been out in la-la land again. :sigh:

Advice: Never, ever trust Word's grammatick. It doesn't know what it's talking about, unless it's with things like there vs. their, too vs. to, etc., or sentence fragments. It's usually wrong, and misses a lot.

It was meant to imply she has no sense of direction and she is not really paying attention.

The fourth wall refers to fictional characters referencing a reader. In this case, you did with acknowledging us with 'you.' It's quite informal and is generally not a good thing to do, as to make a story seem real, you don't want to bltantly say, 'this is a fic.'

When did I say she was a weird looking person? @_@ You're right, I could've used a ghost, and your question is right on the dot. Why didn't I?

I didn't exactly phrase that well. What I meant was, the banette was acting very human, and pokemon and humans just don't act the same. I'm a crusader for the PPM-- Pokemon Personality Movement [/bad joke]

Does that mean I suck at my own language? XP Now that kills. No it's not second, it's first. [Sad, but true] And I don't know what syntaxes are, :Feels stupid: so I'm going to go look up what they are now...

A syntax of something refers so its structure. Good sentence syntax is, "This is the big bear," as opposed to something weird-sounding like, "A bear that is big this is." Generally, if you find yourself sounding like Yoda more often than not, you have syntax issues. Once or twice you had small ones.

You don't suck at your own language, I was just curious xD There were some things I mentioned that might have needed more explanation were you a stanger to the English language.

:) Good luck, as always.
 
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