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DigiOnline

Hotshot

Well-Known Member
Prologue:
Virtual Battle

In the year 2012, the people of the world are linked together through one game. DigiOnline: the newest, interactive online game in which you can train, battle, or play with an abundance of virtual creatures called Digital Monsters. Millions, possibly even billions, young and old, play this game, interacting with each other from across the country, the continent, or even the world! Some enjoyed just seeing the smiling face of their virtual pets, others loved battling fellow players from the other side of the globe, and still others preferred to train their monsters to fight against wild Digital Monsters. Thus far, no one has completed this extensive game, but a few have come close.

One such player is Lance Raider.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was 2 o’ clock in the morning. Lance ran his fingers through his shaggy blonde hair before putting his gray ski cap back on. His orange-tinted sunglasses lay beside his computer. The light from the screen shone on his white T-shirt, underneath which he wore a long-sleeved, blue shirt. A jagged, yellow ‘D’ decorated the middle of his T-shirt. He hadn’t even bothered to change and was still wearing his cargo shorts from the day before. The sleeves of his long-sleeved shirt were rolled back slightly, so as not to get in the way of his playing ability. He stared at the screen with his green eyes, eyelids drooping from lack of sleep.

The screen read, “Final Boss challenges you! Ready your Monsters!”

Lance tapped his chin. This was his fourth time to face the final boss of the game, and he had so far lost every time. As he scrolled through his Digital Monsters, Lance thought through his strategy. His eyes rested on his ace: UlForceVeedramon.

“Ray of Victory has little effect on the final boss unless it’s at full power, but that takes time to charge up,” Lance whispered, so as not to wake his parents. Or worse, his sister. “I’ll think outside the box and use Craniummon as a defensive monster instead of an offensive one, then I can use his shield to protect V-dawg until he’s ready.”

Lance scanned the computer screen again. “For my third Monster...I think I’ll use Rapidmon’s speed and Rapid Fire ability to hold the boss off until then.”

With his strategy now planned, Lance pressed the ‘enter’ key, signaling that he was ready to face the game’s final boss. The hulking figure of his opponent formed on the screen, facing his three Digimon: UlForceVeedramon, Craniummon, and Rapidmon.

The battle began, with the final boss taking the first move. It spewed a beam of dark energy at UlForceVeedramon, depleting the Monster’s health by half. Lance cringed. It was the same thing every time. What was worse, it always worked! UlForceVeedramon was the final boss’ primary target. Lance’s turn came. He selected his UlForceVeedramon, V-dawg, and moved him behind Craniummon. Then came Rapidmon’s turn, and finally, Craniummon’s.

As the minutes passed by, Lance struggled to keep his Monsters from being destroyed. The minutes slowly turned into an hour. Finally, the boss had defeated both Craniummon and Rapidmon. Now only V-dawg remained, with half his health. The combined attacks of Craniummon and Rapidmon had resulted in the depletion of over three-fourths of the boss’ health. It was the final boss’ turn.

The beam of dark energy shot from the boss’ vile hands. Lance shut his eyes, hoping that V-dawg would survive the hit. When Lance opened his eyes, he grinned from ear to ear. The attack had missed! He was going to win!

Lance’s hand quivered with excitement. Beads of sweat dotted his face and ran down his chin. V-dawg’s Ray of Victory attack was at full power. There was no way the final boss would survive. He selected his attack and watched eagerly as V-dawg struck with his Ray of Victory. The glowing laser of red light zoomed past the final boss.

“You missed.” Lance rubbed his eyes. He looked back at the screen. “You missed.” There it was, mocking him.

“Oh, no,” he murmured. The final boss attacked with its dark energy, knocking V-dawg out.

“You lost.”

“Maaaan...” Lance looked at his clock. 3:04 AM. He logged off and crawled into bed, yawning. In ten seconds he was sound asleep.
 
Glad to see you've decided to post the Prologue. I really enjoyed it. The little paragraph at the beginning just to give readers an idea of what Digimon universe this fic takes part in is also nice to see. I didn't pick up any grammatical errors, but that's not my strongest suit.

There was just one thing that I found a problem with.

“Maaaan...” Lance looked at his clock. 3:04 AM. He logged off and crawled into bed, yawning. In ten seconds he was sound asleep.

It may just be me, but the last couple of sentences just seems to end the Prologue too suddenly. Anyway, apart from that I really liked it. This really tempted me to get back to writing my Digimon fic. Good job.
 
Thanks, palkia1!

And I think you're right about the last few sentences. Perhaps I should fix that...

EDIT: Well, I've tried, but it won't let me...I keep getting the stupid 500 Internal Service Error, so I'm gonna try again a little later.
 
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Hahah, the life of a teen addicted to a video game. I'm sure we've all been guilty of this at one time or another.

Quite a well done prologue, Hotshot. You've come quite a ways as a writer. I do agree with Palk, there, though. I can't wait for Chapter 1 to be up.
 
Really good. Can't wait for chapter 1
 
Chapter one:
The Exchange Student

A Japanese girl timidly pushed open the doors of her new school. Her black hair hung loose down her shoulders and back. She brushed herself off and spread out the wrinkles in her new orange blouse before stepping in. Her white skirt reached her knees and swayed slightly as she walked past the other students; her new classmates.

In her right hand she held a slip of paper with various information on it. She looked up at the top right corner of the paper, where her locker number was located.

Her brown eyes scanned the hallway for her locker. There it was, the one next to the blonde-haired boy. She approached the locker and opened it. The girl raised an eyebrow upon seeing the emptiness of it. She turned to the boy next to her, who seemed to have fallen asleep with his head in his locker. The girl peered inside his locker and found that it was full of books. Albeit worn, unkept books, but books nonetheless. She tapped him on the shoulder.

“Excuse me.”

The boy awoke with a start. He wiped a trail of drool from his mouth with his sleeve and eyed the girl suspiciously. “Yes?”

“Hello,” she greeted. “I have a question. Why is it that you have books in your metal container and I do not?”

“Uhhh...I guess you haven’t put ’em in yet.”

The girl gasped. “That is right! I have forgotten!” She reached into her bookbag and took out a pile of books. She lifted them to her locker and stuffed them inside. “There! Now it is no longer empty!”

“...Yeah...right,” the boy murmured. “Well, I gotta go. See ya around...”

With that, the boy turned to leave. “It is nice to meet you,” said the girl, dashing in front of him. “I am Hikaru Hana, or, as you would say in America, Hana Hikaru.”

“...I’m Lance,” the boy replied, startled. “Lance Raider.”

Hana grinned. “Do you mind showing me around? I am new here and do not know where to go.”

“Uhhh...sure, why not...” Lance mumbled. “School starts in...three...two...one...”

On cue, the school bell’s ringing resounded through the hall. Lance turned to Hana. “What’s your first class?”

Hana looked at her paper. “Oh, no. English is first...it is my worst class.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve been taking it all my life and it’s still my worst class!” Lance said, trying to comfort her. “Wait...what I meant was--”

Hana laughed. “I know what you mean, Larry.”

“Lance.”

“Oh, right. Sorry,” Hana said, bowing. “I know what you mean, Lance.”

“Alright, now you’re gettin’ it!”

------------------------------------------------------------

Lance stepped out of the classroom, Hana following closely behind him. Several class periods had come and gone, and so far, Hana had been in every one of his classes. “So...lunch period is next. You wanna go grab a bite?”

“Yes, that would be--”

“Hey, Lance!”

Lance whirled around to see a younger boy approaching him.

“Oh, hey, Ollie.”

Hana peered around Lance at the newcomer. His dark blue eyes were covered by a pair of thin-rimmed glasses. His wavy, light brown hair had yet to be combed. His clothing consisted of a bright green T-shirt with black sleeves, decorated with a Taijitu symbol on the front, over an orange long sleeve shirt, and a pair of rather baggy jeans. A pair of worn-out green sneakers donned his feet. He wore a green digital watch on his wrist. A grey and black laptop case was worn on his back like a bookbag.

Ollie turned to Hana and said, “Hi, I’m Oliver Burton. You must be the new exchange student.”

Hana nodded. “Yes, I am Hana Hikaru,” she replied, bowing. “It is good to meet you.”

“Uh-huh,” Ollie murmured, turning his attention back to Lance. “How’d the final boss fight go?”

Lance rolled his eyes. “I lost…four times.”

Ollie chuckled. “What Monsters did you use?”

“I used UlForceVeedramon, Craniummon, and Rapidmon...”

“V-dawg lost? That’s surprising,” Ollie muttered, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

Hana stepped in between them, interrupting their conversation. “Are you speaking of DigiOnline?”

Both boys stopped and stared at her. Lance blinked. “Yeah...why?”

“And you have reached the final boss?” she asked. When Lance nodded, she grabbed Lance’s wrist and dashed down the hall. “Come, I have something to show you!”

As the new girl dragged Lance away, Ollie stared after them. “Uhh...see ya later?”

----------------------------------------------------------

Hana stopped when she reached the computer room and released Lance’s hand. Reaching into her bookbag, she drew out a small object. “Can you keep a secret?” she whispered.

“Why are we in the computer room?”

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Yes, I can keep a secret! Why are we in the computer room?!” Lance exclaimed, growing irritated.

Hana held up the small object she was holding. It resembled a cell phone, but with only a few buttons. The main body was pink, and the sides were white. “This is a D-Coder, and it is used to enter the Digital World.”

Lance broke into a fit of laughter. “Oh, I get it! This is one of those prank shows! Alright, where’s the camera?”

Hana took his hand in hers. “This is no show, and there are no cameras.” With that, she held the D-Coder up to the screen of one of the computers. “Digital Gate, open! Logging in, Hikaru Hana!”

Light flooded into the room, blinding Lance for a moment. The computers, desks, and chairs around him suddenly became blurry, and Lance felt his body fall apart into small particles. He was being sucked into a whirling vortex that lead into the computer monitor!

“AAAAAHHH!!!”

----------------------------------------------------

When Lance awoke, he found Hana standing over him, grinning. “Welcome to the Digital World, Lance!”

“Freaky foreign girl say what?” Lance sat up and gazed in awe at his surroundings. He and Hana were in a lush, green jungle. The canopies above were intertwined, letting in only a few rays of sunlight, but it was enough to bring out the beauty of the sight. Huge flowers the size of cars grew up from the ground in various bright colors. The scent of floral perfume hung in the air.

“T-the Digital...World?” Lance stuttered. “You’re kidding, right?”

Hana giggled. “No, I am not kidding. This is the Digital World, like the one in the game. It is beautiful, is it not?”

“This is spooky.”

--------------------------------------------

Hana led Lance through the forest, all the while telling him about the Digital World, and its many wonders. Lance wondered at the marvelous world around him. Thus far he hadn’t seen a single Monster, or Digimon, as Hana called them.

“So...let me get this straight...” Lance said. “Your grandfather discovered the Digital World, and then created DigiOnline as a way of sharing it with the world without actually, you know, telling people about it.”

“Correct. Grandfather did not wish to see it come to any harm,” Hana replied.

“So then...you must be a crazy good player, right?” Lance inquired. “You probably have all the best Monst--I mean, Digimons.”

Hana smiled. “I am no better than anyone else,” she answered, “and I don’t know if my partner is the best by your standards, but I think he is wonderful.”

“Well, come on! Show him to me!”

Hana turned and nodded to a bush. “You may come out now, Patamon.”

From beneath the cover of the vegetation’s many leaves, a small, orangish creature emerged. Large, bat-like wings protruded from where its ears might have been, and it walked on four, stubby legs, each ending in three black toes. Its big, blue eyes stared up inquisitively at Lance.

“Hey, Hana, who’s this guy?”

Lance staggered backwards and fell on his bottom. He stared down at the creature, his mouth hanging open. “That...that thing just talked!”

Patamon rose up on his hind legs and folded his small arms across his chest. “Hey, this thing has a name...and that name is Patamon!”

“Lance, this is Patamon,” Hana said, extending a hand to the small creature, “my partner Digimon.”

The confused and bewildered blonde boy rose to his feet, eyes fixed on Patamon. A Digimon. A real, live Digimon. This was perhaps the happiest (and scariest) moment in his life...

As you may have guessed, dear reader, our friend Lance Raider led a very, very boring life.

A sudden exclamation interrupted the meeting of Lance and Patamon. A flash of blue streaked forward and crashed into Lance, toppling him over. The blue blur hurtled into the air and slammed into a tree before falling to the ground in a heap.

Hana stifled a shriek, and Patamon leaped into a battle stance. Lance struggled to his feet, legs wobbling. When his vision cleared, he looked over at his blue assailant. The creature looked like a small, blue-skinned child, with pointed ears that extended backwards. Its stomach was white, and its short tail hung limp on the ground. A yellow ‘V’ symbol donned its forehead. A pair of red eyes stared up at Lance.

The boy and the blue creature both took a deep breath, and then shouted, “WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!!”

“WHY DID YOU TACKLE ME?!!” Lance exclaimed.

“WHY DID YOU GET IN MY WAY?!!” the blue creature retorted.

“Get outta here!”

“You get outta here!”

“I was here first!”

“I’ll fight you for the right to stay here.”

Lance thought about the blue creature’s last statement for a moment, and then folded his arms across his chest. “Fine, you win, little blue dude.”

A low rumbling erupted from a few yards off. The blue creature’s eyes widened. “Nevermind, you can stay here! I’m leaving!”

“What was that?” Hana inquired, turning to Patamon. The small, winged creature shook his head.

“I don’t know, but it didn’t sound very nice.”

The blue creature stopped and looked over his shoulder at the two humans and Patamon. “That was Vegiemon, the local bully. I kinda got into a fight with him...and he’s winning.”

“A fight,” Lance repeated. “You mean like...a spirited debate?”

“Errr...yeahhh...I guess you could call it that. Depends on your definition of ‘spirited’...”

At that moment, what appeared to be a plant-experiment-gone-wrong emerged from the bushes, with its whip-like arms flailing about wildly. Multicolored leaves protruded from the top of its head, and its alligator-like mouth was filled with teeth. Its menacing red eyes were fixed on the blue creature.

“Aw, Yggdrasil...he caught me...” murmured the blue creature. “Looks like I’ll have to fight him...”

Hana pointed at the Vegiemon. “Patamon, prepare for battle!”

Patamon obeyed, but was stopped by the blue creature, who stepped between Patamon and Vegiemon. “This is my fight.”

With that, the blue creature charged forward, his body barreling towards his opponent. “Vee Headbutt!”

Vegiemon hopped to the side, dodging the attack. As his blue opponent rocketed past, Vegiemon grabbed him in his vines, and flung him at Lance. Again, the two collided.

Lance staggered up and extended a hand to the blue creature. “Need some help?”

The blue creature accepted his hand and rose to his clawed feet. “From a bald Apemon like you? Probably.”

“I’m Lance. Lance Raider.”

“And I’m Veemon. Veemon...errr...the Awesome.”

A loud scream caught their attention. The new duo looked over at Vegiemon, who now had both Hana and Patamon in his grasp. “You ready, V-dawg?”

Veemon nodded and clenched his fists. “V-dawg. Heh. Catchy. I like it.”

“Then let’s do this!”




((This last part was done rather quickly, as I had to finish it before I left for a week, so it's not perfect.))
 
Yet again, quite a good chapter. The grammar was really good again, but there are a couple of things I want to point out. I do feel that pretty much the whole chapter, not just the last part was a bit rushed. It was of good length, but I do feel that certain parts could have been expanded upon more.

He was being sucked into a whirling vortex that lead into the computer monitor!

I think 'lead' is actually supposed to be 'led'.

Hana peered around Lance at the newcomer. His dark blue eyes were covered by a pair of thin-rimmed glasses. His wavy, light brown hair had yet to be combed. His clothing consisted of a bright green T-shirt with black sleeves, decorated with a Taijitu symbol on the front, over an orange long sleeve shirt, and a pair of rather baggy jeans.

In my opinion, this description just didn't sound right to me. It seemed a bit listy, which was emphasized with three sentences in a row starting with 'his'. I'd recommend varying your sentence structures, because that really stood out to me and made it sound a little strange. I'm not an expert at this so I'm not entirely sure what a better alternative would be. It's just that my beta for my current fic has pointed this out to me a couple of times, and I do think it's helped my description. But I think the other descriptions you used for Patamon, Hana, and Veemon were pretty good. This one was the only one that stood out for me. Also, I would prefer more emphasis on his physical description rather then his clothes, which seemed to be expanded more, but I guess that comes down to personal preference of the writer.

A pair of worn-out green sneakers donned his feet. He wore a green digital watch on his wrist. A grey and black laptop case was worn on his back like a bookbag.

This part, also part of the same paragraph as the last example, also seemed a bit off to me. The sentences were all just really small and it was more like reading a shopping list. Maybe try and put some more action into the sentences. Such examples might be him 'checking his watch', or him 'slinging the laptop case' over his shoulder, just to make the sentences seem more interesting and really liven up your description.


Otherwise, I enjoyed it yet again. I can't wait for the next chapter.
 
Yet again, quite a good chapter. The grammar was really good again, but there are a couple of things I want to point out. I do feel that pretty much the whole chapter, not just the last part was a bit rushed. It was of good length, but I do feel that certain parts could have been expanded upon more.

I think 'lead' is actually supposed to be 'led'.

In my opinion, this description just didn't sound right to me. It seemed a bit listy, which was emphasized with three sentences in a row starting with 'his'. I'd recommend varying your sentence structures, because that really stood out to me and made it sound a little strange. I'm not an expert at this so I'm not entirely sure what a better alternative would be. It's just that my beta for my current fic has pointed this out to me a couple of times, and I do think it's helped my description. But I think the other descriptions you used for Patamon, Hana, and Veemon were pretty good. This one was the only one that stood out for me. Also, I would prefer more emphasis on his physical description rather then his clothes, which seemed to be expanded more, but I guess that comes down to personal preference of the writer.

This part, also part of the same paragraph as the last example, also seemed a bit off to me. The sentences were all just really small and it was more like reading a shopping list. Maybe try and put some more action into the sentences. Such examples might be him 'checking his watch', or him 'slinging the laptop case' over his shoulder, just to make the sentences seem more interesting and really liven up your description.

Otherwise, I enjoyed it yet again. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Thanks for the review, palkia1! I do agree with all of your points. In fact, about a fifth of the chapter was written today. I'll probably edit the chapter and fix all those problems when I get back.
 
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Great chapter!

Palkia said pretty much what I would have said if I wasn't so lazy right now. The description is definately improved and your humour is still awesome. Keep up the great work and I hope to see the next chapter soon.
 
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