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Half

Zadros

Incorrigible slacker
Welcome! I present to you a quadrilogy of one-shots, known collectively as [H][A][L][F]. With writing procrastination creeping in while at uni, I started writing these as poems and decided to stick with it. They're a bit of an experiment, so sorry if they're short and/or terrible. Hopefully they'll build up, and give you a peek into this world with one golden rule.

It's all or nothing.



>> Half-Hearted

The clouds engulf me as I fly between them, divisions are gone

between me and the air. I breathe it, live it, soar through it in haste

as the mountains beneath me point into the sky. Sierra of

silver by sight and by name, once sheltered the outcast from the wrath

of below. I am this outcast; not one nor the other but a

nothing between. Are my blue feathers russet? Or my straight tail

split? The sky passes no judgements on its kindred and companions.



Fire, heat, blazing air, shoots past with fervour and anger and might.

The searing gaze and biting words condemn this pariah for his

unwitting sin, the uncontrollable entrance into this world,

cursed world, cruel world. My pursuer’s breath blazes bright as the sun.

His master’s conviction; kill the half-cast. So many have drowned in

the hatred harboured by the ignorant and confused. I will not.

I will not be dragged down from my sky, place of eternal beauty.



Flurry of tight branches deliver escape, Charizard and its

oppressor retreat in shame. A tear falls to the ground to rejoin

the lost. Never forget the fearless protectors of their life blood,

who defended life when justice failed. Proud mother Swellow, fallen.

Father part Taillow part Pidgey, fallen. Sacrifice etched into

the Earth for eternity, screaming for redemptive blood with the

thirst of an ocean. Loneliness consumes the outcast, half-hearted.
 

Yonowaru in Chaos

gaspard de la nuit
half-caste

Just one tiny spelling error there.

Fire, heat, blazing air, shoots past with fervour and anger and might.

Poetically, I think this line is a bit stilted. The rhythm changes halfway through - 'fire', 'heat', 'blaz' and 'air' are individually accented in the first half (you can easily count 1 2 3 + 4 here), but the second half - 'ferv', 'ang' and 'might' are accented in a much more flowing way (1+d 2+d 3).

I'm no expert in poetry, but I don't think the enjambment works with such irregular sentences. I think you should designate some sentences in their own stanzas, rather than have them grouped with the rest. For example, some of the shorter sentences, like "Are my blue feathers russet?", "I will not." and "Proud mother Swellow, fallen." each have their own individual weight that separate them from the preceding sentences before them. As such, since there's not much of an arrangement (sorry if there's a strong/weak syllable scheme; I didn't really check; and if there is, it's much too complex and varied, not to mention that 16 syllables per line is really a bit extreme), I suppose you can afford to rearrange them.

The language is pretty good, though. It took me one or two rereads to fully realise what was going on (then again, it's after midnight here), but all in all, the setting is conveyed pretty effectively. Not too ambiguous, but not too straightforward either. Sure, there are bits that are more straightforward than others, and I suppose that's what's tying everything else down to something physical, but there's still something hazy and introspective about it all.
 
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