"Professor?"

[ungulateman]

Lucas's crisp vocality rang through the lab, and Professor Rowan turned.

"Yes?" replied Rowan.
"It's the newly hatched Chimchar. I think there may be a problem."
"Right. I'm coming."

Rowan stepped back from the desk he was working on and walked over to the egg chamber, where new Pokemon were being hatched for beginner Pokemon trainers.

"What is it this time, Lucas? Another malfunction? A malnourished newborn?" said Rowan.

"No, it's...it's...I think you should look, Professor, it's unlike anything I've seen before", stammered Lucas.

Rowan looked down into the egg chamber. There were five newborn Chimchar, with deep red fur which sparkled like a bonfire when the sunlight hit it.

One of the Chimchar, however, was something very unexpected indeed. It was healthy and energetic, but its fur was orange. Unlike the other Chimchar, its dull and lifeless fur was the polar opposite of its behaviour.

"My, my", said Rowan. "What have we here? I've never seen a Pokemon look so lifeless, or an orange Chimchar in all my forty-five years as a Pokemon Professor. Get it down to the medical lab, and check that it's all right."

"Yes, Professor."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Well, this is my first fanfic, and this is the opening chapter, where an orange Chimchar makes Rowan puzzle the nature of Pokemon themselves.

Yes, the title of the thread leads on into the story, shoot me.

ungulateman

 

[Intelligence]

Lucas's crisp vocality rang through the lab, and Professor Rowan turned.

"Yes?" replied Rowan.
"It's the newly hatched Chimchar. I think there may be a problem."
"Right. I'm coming."

Firstly, I noticed a lack of speech, simply substituted by his 'vocality'. You should at least tell us what he's said, or something. Also, it looks very odd when you put speech one line after another. Try putting a space between each line of speech, put in some character and use some adverbs, and tell us who's speaking unless it's blatantly obvious, which I suppose it is, but it's still needed.

Rowan stepped back from the desk he was working on and walked over to the egg chamber, where new Pokemon were being hatched for beginner Pokemon trainers.

"What is it this time, Lucas? Another malfunction? A malnourished newborn?" said Rowan.

"No, it's...it's...I think you should look, Professor, it's unlike anything I've seen before", stammered Lucas.

Nothing wrong with the first sentence, the 'said' after Rowan's speech should be a capital, remember '.', '!' and '?' count as full stops, there fore any letter after them should be capitals. That includes when they're in speech marks.

This may be jsut me, but I thought that last sentence would have gone better if it had said "it's unlike anything I've ever seen," also, note that I put the comma inside the speech marks, where it should go. But, remember, that's just me. If you don;t want to keep the ever, I can respect that. It's just a suggestion.

Rowan looked down into the egg chamber. There were five newborn Chimchar, with deep red fur which sparkled like a bonfire when the sunlight hit it.

One of the Chimchar, however, was something very unexpected indeed. It was healthy and energetic, but its fur was orange. Unlike the other Chimchar, its dull and lifeless fur was the polar opposite of its behaviour.

Okay, so Rowan looked down into it? That confused me, before I realised that it must have been on a lower level or something, which I had to work out, since I've noticed a total lack of description on the labratory and the characters so far. That's a major letdown. However, the description you put of the Pokemon was very good. I like'd how you said the their fur sparkled like a bonfire when sunlight hit it. Also, the 'polar-opposites' metaphor, it was very effective.

"My, my", said Rowan. "What have we here? I've never seen a Pokemon look so lifeless, or an orange Chimchar in all my forty-five years as a Pokemon Professor. Get it down to the medical lab, and check that it's all right."

"Yes, Professor."

Once again, you put the comma outside of the speech marks. Firstly, you said it was healthy and energetic, and now you say that he's never seen a Pokemon so lifeless? It doesn't make sense. Also, I thought Chimchar always had orange fur anyway? If it had red fur, I'd have thought it was a shiny, although I'm not a shiny expert so I wouldn't know it's proper colour. I do remember it being redder in Platinum, but it wasn't so red that if it was orange, it would be considered ill, or something which Lucas has never seen the likes of before.



There were a few letdowns, overall. Like, the lack of description on the characters and the lab was a major one, and shortness being another. Also, because it was so short, I felt I didn't really get much of a plotline. Also, the title is rather strange, but that's just my opinion, not a comment on the story.

The good thigns were, what description you did give, it was really good, really effective, I liked it. Also, there were only about three grammatical errors that I spotted, which is good, unless it's just because it was so short it would hahve been impossible nto fit in any more.

All in all, I felt it needed more description, more length, and more depth to the story. I could onyl give it a 2(and a half)/5 at the moment. Sorry. But heed my advice, and it'll get better.

 

[Zephyr Flare]

Is this part of a chapter? As it hugely puzzles me in the insanely short length and starts out of nowhere. Please go read the Fanfiction Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors before reposting and also use an off site program such as Wordpad so you can save your work and come back later. That'll give you the chance to push the quality up and make it soemthing you can be proud of.

Sandra