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Silvaze

CloverTheKirlia

Confidence Is Power
My first story here. ok this is going to be turned in next week and i want you guys to give me a grade ok here we go, oh yeah and it a silver and blaze fic so yeah lets go!

I was walking along the street, all calmly, when suddenly I heard a crash. I ran to were the crash came from. I looked at the pile of rubbish on the ground. There was some blue metal and the first thing I thought was Metal Sonic. I desided it couldn't be true. "I wonder what happened here?,"I asked to myself,"... No matter.". I was in Station Square, on the planet of Mobius, or Earth, or whatever. It was fall. All the trees were a beautiful pumpkin-orange. The crisp scent of the air always makes me happy. And the cars passing by didn't make much noise either. Then suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my back.. "Gaaa! What the?" I asked myself. I fely my back and then looked at my palm. It was bloody. I wasn't sure how big the gap was but whatever it was, it hurt a lot. I decided it was just a cut and walked away from the pile of metal. I started to get hungry, so I went into the nearest internet cafe.
My stomach growled as I asked for two pieces of cake. Not much of a lunch, but I was in the mood for cake. I went over to a table and sat down. My back was still hurting. I kept thinking to myself it was just a cut. I started eating, until I looked up and saw a very similair looking silver hedgehog sitting in the seat in front of me. "Silver?"I asked. I wasn't sure it was him because of how good the cake tasted and because of my back..
"The one and only!"Silver said with a wide smile. " Can I have some of that cake?" Silver pointed to the second piece of cake.
" Sure! You are going to feel like you're in heaven once you taste it!" I said with a little pain in my voice. He used his phychokenesis ( PK for short ) to pick up a plate from behind the counter. The receptionist didn't mind since we've been here many times ( we've been in all the internet cafes many times actually ) . When Silver started eating his cake, he dropped his fork from his PK wave.
" Oh my god... This is the best cake I've ever eaten, Blaze! We shlould get some more!" Silver said very hyper.
"Sure, my best bud, Silver! Here's the money," I said and handed over 50 rings ( rings are our currency and all around the world they accept it) . He ran to the counter and asked for 2 more chocolate cakes. For once I looked around the cafe. It was elegant from other cafes ( that are not internet cafes ) . The walls were painted a creamish color with light brown flower prints on them. There were mini chandeliers that hung above every table and every table had a yellow, purple, or red flower. Our table had a beautiful red flower, specifically a rose, which made me blush a little, but it went away. Then I remembered the crash I saw. My back was still hurting like mad. I wondered how big of a gash I got from that bit of steel. Silver came back with the cakes. " Hey, silver," I said.
" Yeah?" He looked at me with his golden yellow eyes and I looked at him with my golden yellow eyes. For a moment it was complete silence between us two. Then we came back to Earth blushing.
" Yeah. Umm. Do you know any thing about that crash over in the alley near here?" I said uneasy and curiously, still blushing.
" Um. Yeah I actually caused it..." Silver stopped blushing because he knew what was comming next.
" YOU WHAT!?" All my uneasyness was replaced with anger. I actually started burning ( I was on fire, literally ) , which made my gash hurt more than ever.
" Blaze, please calm down. It's just Metal Sonic so I decided to throw things at him," he said, calming me down.
" Well, just don't fight anybody like that without me," I said.
" Don't worry. I won't" He got up and hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. We were both really red. For a moment we were there feeling like it lasted forever even thogh it lasted a few seconds.
" Blaze! Your back is bleeding!"Silver said scared and shocked as he looked at his palms and then turned me around to look at my back. "And the gash is huge!" It was stinging and hurting more. A tear rolled down my cheek. " Oh no... It must have been that sharp leftover piece that was hanging from the rooftop,"
" What?"I said crying.
" Don't worry! I'll get the first aid!"Silver ran to the receptionist and asked him for the first aid. When he came I felt weak. He lifted my cloak from the back and did everything he could. When he finished, he came to face me. "Don't worrry you'll be alright." It was true the pain eased and I stopped crying. I didn't feel weak anymore, and to make me feel better, he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek again. I blushed and he blushed.
"Err. Umm. Let's go back to eating our cake shall we?" I said really uneasy.
"S-Sure," he said uneasy. Oh yes, forgive me for giving my name at the end but my name is Blaze The Cat. And my friend is Silver The Hedgehog. I control fire, he has PK. I'm purple and as for Silver he's ,well, silver.
I went back to eating my cake.
" Cafe cake is great and I love the smells of sweets and cofee!" I said. I felt like I was in heaven.
"Yeah, it is," Silver said smoothly, then he walked up to me and kissed me, literally.
*All characters are SEGA's

So howed you like it? give me the grade ok? and comments if you have any.
-CloverTheKirlia
 
Err... I don't really give out grades, but if it were I, I couldn't really give you anything higher than a C. First of all it lacks some description. Not everone really knows how Sonic or the other characters look like. Not to mention spelling. Saying that Silver and Blaze is purple and silver is not going to exactly cut it. Plus, they're kinda out of character. Trust, me it's best to keep them how they originally are. I wrote Sabrina out of char one time and I got bashed on. Either way, just try again...
 
Err... I don't really give out grades, but if it were I, I couldn't really give you anything higher than a C. First of all it lacks some description. Not everone really knows how Sonic or the other characters look like. Not to mention spelling. Saying that Silver and Blaze is purple and silver is not going to exactly cut it. Plus, they're kinda out of character. Trust, me it's best to keep them how they originally are. I wrote Sabrina out of char one time and I got bashed on. Either way, just try again...

Hmmm... You're right... But as long as my teacher doesnt know that shell give ma an A+...
But it does kinda of hurt and there are no spelling mistakes... i revised it 5 times... maybe i shouldnt have put this forum here... lets see what other people say... Im sad...
 
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So for a piece of what I can only assume is school work, your going to hand in fanfiction. I'm pretty sure the two don't mix.

What if, on the off hand, your teacher is a big Sonic fan? You'll get whipped for not being completely original, in which I can only assume was the point of you writing this.

Even if this WAS completely original and Silver and Blaze were only again, I can only assume (not being a sonic fan) that these characters are Purple and Silver blobs that somehow go around and do stuff, I can't really picture it any other way, description is severly lacking and you do things like

He used his phychokenesis ( PK for short )

First of all it's Psychokinesis, secondly when you use brackets you don't put spaces between the brackets and the words and thirdly YOU DON'T USE BRACKETS TO DESCRIBE STUFF! Why are you shortening it, is it to hard for you to write every time, do you really have that much limited time to write that you have to abbreviate words. I could understand abbreviating the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics to USSR but this. No.

The receptionist didn't mind since we've been here many times ( we've been in all the internet cafes many times actually )

Then why didn't you just say that? Why put that information in brackets?

and handed over 50 rings ( rings are our currency and all around the world they accept it)

Again, why not just say that?

S-Sure," he said uneasy. Oh yes, forgive me for giving my name at the end but my name is Blaze The Cat. And my friend is Silver The Hedgehog. I control fire, he has PK. I'm purple and as for Silver he's ,well, silver.
I went back to eating my cake.

No, I don't think I will forgive you. So throughout the whole thing we've been none the wiser as to the identities of these strange creatures. Okay a silver hedgehog, about a few inches tall, spiky back and silver. And a Purple cat, about a foot tall, four legs, bright purple. yeah wierd characters you have, I'm guessing there nothing like the Sega characters you're trying to describe.

"Yeah, it is," Silver said smoothly, then he walked up to me and kissed me, literally.

How else do you kiss people? Metaphorically? And I must say, that's quite a feat for a creature to kiss something about three times it size.

I would NOT give you anything resembling an A+ for this.
-Unoriginal
-Undescriptive
-Uses Brackets to give out information that could have been said by any of the characters
-flat and utterly bland characters, even if they are a hedgehog and a cat that somehow can pay for cake in a cafe and aren't paid any heed from the i'm only guessing human receptionist. (I can't be sure can I? For all I know it could be a Giraffe.)
-Has no plot that I can see.

All in all, it would be a miracle if you got above a D.
 
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