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Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by SilentMemento, Jul 19, 2011.

  1. SilentMemento

    SilentMemento Lone Wolf

    Author's Notes: This is the first Pokemon story - and the first oneshot - I ever wrote (despite it being on FFN), so I'm posting it up here for sentimental reasons. Of course, this version and the one on FFN have a lot of differences, since I edited a fair bit of it in order to (hopefully) get rid of the errors that plagued this story.

    As for a rating? PG-14 should be suitable enough. There's blood, violence, and character death, but not nearly as much as some of the other stories out there.

    I'll just let you read the story and be the judge.


    The thick branches obscured the waning twilight from view as I ran with the small girl draped over my shoulders like a human knapsack. I knew what those were; I had carried them a lot of times with their respective owners. It’s shocking how many young human children are active during dusk. That’s when I have to make a move. It’s necessary for my survival.

    You’ve heard the legends about human children being kidnapped on Three Island, as the humans call it? We call it something different, something that’s unpronounceable in a human tongue. We’ve been there much longer than humans have and yet the latter beings number more than the former beings.

    I am the only one of my kind left on this island. Why? Because of some myth that I harm the children I take. The human parents aren’t mad at me for taking the children. They’re angry at me for “harming” them, even though I've done no such thing.

    I only take their dreams. I need them to survive, and the dreams of adults are enough like nightmares that I can get extremely sick from them. However, the dreams of children taste good, even the nightmares. Take one of the human ice cream bars, for example (the children dream of those often.) It always tastes good, even if it’s melted. The dreams of young humans are the same. They’re like my version of ice cream, if that makes any sense.

    I even replace the dreams that I take. Is that a worthy reason of extermination? I mean, humans have been killing off our kind for years because we kidnap their kids. All we do when we kidnap them is, well, imprint in a way. It has to do with the dreams that we give them, and it might be too difficult for a human to comprehend.

    It works like this. Children are very susceptible to what others teach them. If the dreams that I give them are ones that show me in a positive light, then maybe they won’t want to hunt me down. If they can teach their grandchildren that, then maybe my species won’t completely die out. There are very few of us left in the wild, and none that I know of are on the Sevii Isles.

    Some of the children that I take have nightmares. This little girl was one of those children. She whimpered a bit as I crept into her mind. Her strong, chaotic feelings surprised me. I didn’t expect so much emotion from someone so quiet – and this was just the outer edge of her mind. If I couldn’t break through into the dreams, then I’d be unable to change any opinions. One thing was for sure: I had to find the source of the nightmare, so that I could extract it without any damage.

    I probed just a bit, trying to find a soft spot where I could break in with minimal resistance. I nodded as I found a spot almost immediately. The torrent of emotion had passed as I delved deeper into the small girl’s brain. The source of the nightmare was rather easy to find, due to my experiences with other children. However, the source itself would be difficult to deal with.

    With a lot of children, the fear is mainly the dark or something else that many would fear. With this girl…she was afraid of being lost, not only in physical terms, but also in her own mind. It would be difficult to curb this kind of fear. One had to be very careful. If the fear wasn’t extracted right, the child would have permanent damage in their mind.

    Before I could focus my attention on the task at hand, a loud noise interrupted me, and I accidentally snapped the fear in two. I cursed in my ancient language as the girl began to scream.

    I whirled around to see a human boy about a few years older than the girl. He had spiky jet-black hair that was mostly covered by a hat and blotches all across his face. A small yellow rat-like creature, a Pikachu by the looks of it, stood on his shoulder. He nodded at the Pikachu to go into battle.

    I held my pendulum up in self-defense, but the human muttered two words that ruined my defenses.

    “Iron Tail.”

    The Pikachu’s tail began to shine with a silvery sheen, as it leaped up in the air and lashed its tail out. My beak-like nose broke, and blood began to stream out of it, my ruffled, white neck fur being stained crimson by the bloody fountain.

    I stumbled and accidentally touched the Pikachu’s fur. A jolt of electricity coursed through me, sending a wave of intense heat and light through my spine, which paralyzed me almost instantly. I let out a muffled moan of pain, as I caught the acidic tang of my charred fur. The human yelled out a command again. This time, the word was “Thunderbolt!”

    Crackling energy surrounded the Pikachu’s hind paws and tail. It curled into a ball, shuddering as the electricity pulsated around its fur. It let out a cry, as it unleashed a jagged bolt of pure energy right at me.

    I screamed in agony as the violent electric attack burned through my fur, my pointy ears, my broken, bloody nose, and pretty much everywhere else. Flashes of light went in and out of my eyes, even though they were shut tightly. I lay in a pathetic heap, sobbing in my own tongue.

    Tears dropped from my eyes onto the grass, but I knew that this human wouldn’t care. This one had killed before; I could see it in his mind. A building filled with circular machines that created electricity flashed through my head. I saw many small purple sludge creatures, led by a bigger one. The very same Pikachu that had attacked me was now releasing its electrical attacks into the unfortunate beings. One by one, the creatures began to boil and melt. A flood of nausea flowed through the pit of my stomach, and it took every bit of my fading strength to keep myself from getting sick.

    I tried to telepathically communicate to the human. “Why are you doing this?” I growled in anguish. “What have I ever done to you? What did those sludge creatures do to you?”

    The human looked shocked. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he taunted in an arrogant tone of voice. “Sludge creatures? I think that your mind snapped from eating all of those dreams.”

    “Back at the building with the electricity,” I said calmly. “The purple sludge-like creatures. Most of them were small, but there was a big one with them.”

    “Oh, you mean the Grimer and Muk?” the human replied. “I caught the Muk. The Grimer were clogging up the power plant, and I had to get rid of them. Same with you.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “You’re screwing up the townspeople’s lives, so you can leave this forest, or you can suffer the consequences.”

    What this human was suggesting was blasphemy to my ears. Leave? Why would I leave the one safe place that my kind had lived in for generations based on the vile accusations of a human - and a monstrous human at that? He’d never get an answer from me.

    I tried to grasp my pendant, the one thing that I had always held onto. I loved my pendant. It reminded me of my rich heritage and the aspirations of my kindred to live in harmony with nature and to stop discord in any way possible.

    “Pikachu, use Thunder!” the human yelled.

    The electric rat let out a cry of anger, as it gathered up every ounce of electricity it could muster and threw it at me with the force of a thousand storms. My transfixed body couldn’t react in time, and the bolt boiled me alive. My pendant slipped from my paws as I fell into a sea of white.
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2011
  2. Starlight Aurate

    Starlight Aurate Star Struck

    Hello there! I noticed that this had gotten no reviews, so I decided to come by and give you one myself. Please pardon my amateaur reviewing skills, but I do the best I can. Now, onto the nitpicks!

    This sounds awkward and incorrect, as you go from starting in a statement to ending in a question. I understand what you're trying to say, and I get the gist of it, but reading it is just uncomfertable for me, though that may only be my opinion.

    I think you mean There ARE very few, since you're using plural with 'few' and 'is' from 'There's' is singular.

    Not quite sure if you would say 'staining with a fountain' (paraphrasing here, sorry), since I wouldn't really think of it as a fountain being stained onto the neck fur. Perhaps something more like 'white neck fur being stained crimson from the bloody fountain', mayhaps?

    So, that's all I can think of doing with sentence structure/grammar. I liked this tale, very engaging and entertaining. Though, if the character with the Pikachu was Ash (I'm not assuming it was, but since it had Pikachu and Muk, and I'm just considering the possibility), I thought it might seem a little out-of-character of him to kill Pokemon like Grimer and Hypno. He does seem like one that would attack them if they were trying to harm anyone, but never kill. If it wasn't Ash, your character is cynical and an interesting guy to watch.

    So, that's all I can say here. Good job and I look forward to any more one-shots of yours!
  3. SilentMemento

    SilentMemento Lone Wolf

    Thank you for reviewing. I've corrected all of the grammatical errors you've pointed out, except for the first one; I'm not sure how to make it better than it is.

    As for the human being Ash? True, he has some of Ash's qualities and Pokemon (the Grimer and Muk being a prime example, but only because I thought that it was cruel what Ash did at that time; it's not at all based on Ash as a whole, and I certainly don't think that he'd intentionally kill a Pokemon), but I modeled him more off of the in-game character than Ash. I left the names of the characters ambiguous for that reason alone; people can come up with their own conclusions as to who this character is. I also needed an antagonist for this fic, as this story pretty much needed it.

    Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reviewing.

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