1. We have moved to a new forum system. All your posts and data should have transferred over. Welcome, to the new Serebii Forums. Details here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders
    Dismiss Notice

404 Error

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by Missingno. Master, Mar 6, 2012.

  1. Missingno. Master

    Missingno. Master Poison-type Trainer

    Rated PG for mild swearing.

    First off, a warning. This fic includes many Glitch Pokémon. If you are not familiar with them, a lot of this story may not make sense to you. I strongly suggest that you all read up on Glitch Pokémon on Bulbapedia if ever you come across one in this story that is not familiar to you.


    List of main characters and their Pokemon

    Pokedex entries for Glitch Pokemon

    404 Error on Fanfiction.net

    PM list (If you are on this list and you get a name change, please let me know so that I may adjust the PM list as needed):
    GroundBlaze ; knightfall ; Shale ; Osha Say What? ; Metal Bagon
    Sound ; The Oncoming Storm ; ESPNfanatic35 ; rangernumber-x ; PhantomDragon
    President People ; UltimatePokemonExpert ; Shymain ; Rotomknight ; Deadly.Braviary
    TheDarkDragons ; Treecko's awesomeness ; 3D992 ; Z-nogyroP ; SneaselFTW
    jeffdavid102 ; Eeveeon8 ; Moonlight Amaryllis ; Zibdas ; lucarioisawesome
    Grav ; Ga'Hooleone ; Shadow_Zorua ; Espeon EX ; irock245
    pacman000 ; TheDarkKnightFalls

    Chapter 1: A New Adventure
    ~~~~~~~~​

    It was a bright, sunny morning in Talpel Town. The blocky, scrambled sun shone brightly in the sky with nary a single digit to block the light as it shone onto the various dwellings, the walls of which were all covered in rocks, shrubbery, pieces of fence, and the occasional number, all of them arranged in no particular pattern, giving the whole town a very random and disorderly appearance.

    Through the crooked, scrambled-looking door of one of these houses burst a young boy, fourteen years of age, dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt. His shaggy, carrot-colored hair shook wildly as he ran excitedly past his mother's garden and down the road, which was peppered with tufts of grass, rocky patches, and the occasional square-shaped puddle.

    "This is it!" the boy muttered to himself excitedly. "This is the day I finally get my first Poké-OOF!"

    For at that moment, he had collided head-on with a girl his age, clad in a purple sweatshirt and a pair of tight blue jeans.

    "Orange!" scowled the girl as she pushed her sleek black hair out of her face. "Can't you look where you're going for once in your life?"

    "Sorry, Vi," the boy named Orange apologized, grinning sheepishly as the two picked themselves up and started walking together. "I'm just excited, you know? Once we get our starters from Professor Redwood, we're free to travel the Tanko region as Pokémon trainers!"

    "It is exciting, isn't it?" the girl conceded, betraying a small grin. "You decided on your starter?"

    Orange nodded. "44Hy for sure," he said. "What about you?"

    "Still thinking about it," came the reply. "Bellsprout, Growlithe, 44Hy, they all evolve into great Pokémon."

    "Well, you better get thinking, Violet- we're here," grinned Orange. Sure enough, they had arrived at a building that was coated in the same sort of semi-random debris as all the others, but was significantly larger. A sign posted on a nearby rock read; "Redwood Pokémon Research Lab".

    "Rrrgh," groaned Violet as they walked up to the door. "Still... Don't... Know... Oh, Orange, can't you be patient at all?!" she added in exasperation as Orange eagerly rapped on the part of the wall which resembled a piece of fence.

    "I've been patient for too long, Vi," said Orange. "I just want to be a trainer already!"

    "Me too, but you can't just rush this decision!" Violet hissed.

    "What rush? You've had months to think about it!" laughed Orange.

    "That's just it- I've been using those months to actually think! Unlike you, you just decided you're starting with 44Hy the minute your mom told you she'd let you start training!"

    Orange opened his mouth to retort, but the fence piece swung open, revealing a middle-aged man whose buttoned-up lab coat did a very poor job of hiding his considerable gut. What remained of his hair was colored a dark brown.

    "Professor Redwood!" Violet exclaimed. "Um... I'm Violet Scramble, and this is-"

    "Orange McPixel," finished the professor. "I've already heard from both your mothers. You're here for your starter Pokémon, correct?"

    Orange and Violet nodded simultaneously.

    "Well, come in! Come in!" exclaimed Professor Redwood jovially as he turned around and walked back into the building. Orange and Violet exchanged looks, then followed.

    The interior of Professor Redwood's lab looked nowhere near as chaotic as the outside did; the entire floor was wood, the walls were all white, and not a single digit could be seen on the ceiling.

    "Important day for you two, this," Redwood stated as he reached over to a nearby table and took three spheres off of it, scooping them into his left arm. The spheres were half red and half white, with the halves being divided by a thin, black line. At one point in this line, there was a small, white button. Each Poké Ball was the size of a baseball.

    "Are those...?" Orange asked excitedly.

    "Yep," replied Redwood. "The starter Pokémon. Let me introduce you to 'em. First up, the Grass-type... Bellsprout!"

    As Redwood spoke that last word, he took one of the Poké Balls into his right hand and tossed it straight up into the air, whereupon it split open along that black line, releasing a gush of bright white light into the room. The light gathered on the floor and formed itself into what appeared to be a small plant of some sort. Its body was, for the most part, a brown, lithe vine, which split into two roots near the bottom. In the middle, a pair of leaves sprouted from this vine, and on the top was a bell-shaped head with two beady eyes and a large, gaping mouth.

    "Bellsprout sprout," the Pokémon stated as it looked up at Orange and Violet.

    "Yeah, Bellsprout, cool- let's see the next one," Orange said excitedly.

    "There's no rush here, lad," replied Redwood, but all the same, he took another Poké Ball and threw it. "Next, the Fire-type... Growlithe!"

    Another flash of light, and an orange quadrupedal Pokémon formed on the floor, and sat next to Bellsprout. This Pokémon had black stripes and cream-colored tufts of fur everywhere.

    "Grrrrowlithe!" it barked, wagging its bushy tail at the sight of the beginning trainers.

    "...and?" prompted Orange impatiently, earning a stomp on the foot from Violet.

    "Sprout sprout Bellsprout!" Bellsprout laughed as Orange howled in pain.

    "And finally," declared Redwood as he threw the last Poké Ball into the air, "Last but not least, the Water-type... 44Hy!"

    A third flash of light, and a cube-shaped Pokémon covered in pixelly markings materialized. This Pokémon appeared to be two feet tall, and its markings were various shades of bright red, with a few black pixels thrown in.

    "Four four hyyyyyyyy," squealed 44Hy, despite lacking a discernible mouth.

    "Now you've met your three choices," stated Redwood. "Think it over carefully, for this decision is not one to be taken lightly-"

    "I want 44hy," interrupted Orange. Violet facepalmed, Bellsprout mirroring this action.

    "...OK, then," shrugged Redwood, as he held out one of the Poké Balls. "44Hy, return."

    Immediately, a beam of red light shot out of the button on the Poké Ball and struck 44Hy. This converted the Water-type into a shapeless glob of red light, which was then sucked back into the ball. Redwood then tossed the sphere at Orange, who in his excitement nearly dropped it.

    "And Miss Scramble, have you decided?" Redwood asked.

    "I think so," smiled Violet. "I want Bellsprout."

    "That was fast," remarked Orange as the professor returned Bellsprout to its Poké Ball. "I thought you couldn't decide."

    "Yeah, well, I just have a feeling that me and Chompy are gonna get along fine," grinned Violet. "And don't touch that, Orange!"

    "What?" Orange asked defensively, but withdrawing his hand from a nearby computer all the same. "I just wanted to see if it had Solitaire!"

    "She's right, Orange, you shouldn't be touching this stuff," said Professor Redwood, as he glanced around at his laboratory. Though it was relatively clean, there were still stacks of paper in various places on the floor. The computer Orange nearly touched was hardly the only one in the room; there were at least three that Orange could see at a quick glance.

    "Well, it's not like I was gonna destroy it or anything," Orange sulked. "And Vi, what did you call your Bellsprout?

    "Chompy. It's Bellsprout's nickname," replied Violet. "You know, you could give that 44Hy of yours a nickname, Orange."

    "I suck at nicknaming and you know it," Orange snapped. "Remember the pet Pikachu my mom got?"

    "Oh yeah," Violet laughed. "You named it 'Shockey'."

    "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

    "Much as I hate to interrupt," Professor Redwood spoke up, "I think I ought to give you two your Pokédexes and Poké Balls."

    "Oh, yeah!" exclaimed Orange as the professor handed him a thin, red box and five miniature Poké Balls. As he handed the same to Violet, Orange dumped the supplies carelessly in the yellow backpack he had been wearing. Violet rolled her eyes as she carefully packed her supplies into the blue fanny pack she was wearing.

    "Thanks, Professor," grinned Violet as the duo turned to leave.

    "One more thing, just a minute," the professor said suddenly. "Get on with it."

    "With what?" asked Violet. This time, it was Orange's turn to roll his eyes.

    "You don't get it, do you, Vi?" he said exasperatedly. "We're both trainers now. Professor Redwood wants us to have a battle!"

    "Very good, Orange," nodded Redwood approvingly. "Battles are the best way to build bonds between trainers and their Pokémon. And given how spacious my lab is, you might as well have at it right here!"

    "Let's do this," grinned Orange as he and Violet went to opposite ends of the large and airy room.

    "Prepare to lose," Violet grinned back. "Grass beats Water, you know."

    "And Psychic beats Poison," Orange shot back. "Type advantages go both ways with this one."

    "This will be a one-on-one battle between Orange McPixel of Talpel Town, and Violet Scramble, also of Talpel Town," announced Professor Redwood to nobody in particular. "Begin!"

    "Alright, 44Hy!" exclaimed Orange as he took the Poké Ball off of his belt, pressed the button to enlarge it to full size, and heaved it towards the middle of the room. "Let's win this!"

    The ball unleashed a flash of light which formed into 44Hy. The Water/Psychic-type floated motionlessly in midair.

    "I choose you, Chompy!" called Violet as she threw her own Poké Ball. "Go!"

    Another flash of light, and Violet's Bellsprout materialized. It faced Orange's 44Hy and gave what was evidently supposed to be an intimidating battle cry. Then, as if on cue, both trainers took their Pokédexes out, opened them up, and pointed them at their newly acquired Pokémon.

    "44Hy, the Riverside Pokémon," droned Orange's Pokédex in a mechanical voice. "44Hy is an uncommonly good swimmer. If threatened, it fights back with telekinetic power Though usually small, the largest known specimen was recorded at being twenty-three feet tall."

    "Bellsprout, the Flower Pokémon," droned Violet's Pokédex in a voice identical to Orange's Pokédex. "Bellsprout attacks with its vines at the slightest provocation. It is carnivorous and feasts on small bugs." Each Pokédex then listed on its screen the attacks the Pokémon before them knew.

    "Let's go, 44Hy! Headbutt attack now!" ordered Orange.

    "Hyyyyyyyyyyy," squealed 44Hy as it zoomed forward.

    "Chompy, dodge it and use Vine Whip!" commanded Violet.

    "Sprout!" exclaimed Chompy as it leapt into the air, evading the Headbutt completely. Then, a pair of green vines sprouted from behind Chompy's leaves and slammed into 44Hy, sending it crashing to the floor.

    "44Hy, now try your Disable attack!" Orange called as the Riverside Pokémon unsteadily rose back into the air. Almost immediately, a pink glow came over 44Hy's cube-shaped body, and a similar glow formed in the Bellsprout's eyes.

    "Damn!" groaned Violet. "Vine Whip was Chompy's only move, too."

    "We got 'em now," grinned Orange.

    "Chompy, use Struggle attack!" called Violet.

    "Confusion!" cackled Orange.

    "Hyyyyyyyyyyyyyy four four," exclaimed 44Hy as it launched a ray of blue light from one of its corners. Chompy dashed forward, flailing about madly, but the effort was in vain; as soon as 44Hy's Confusion attack hit, Bellsprout was knocked back; it slid across the floor, skidding to a stop at its trainer's feet.

    "Chompy is unable to battle!" declared Redwood. "Orange and 44Hy are the winners!"

    "We'll beat them next time, Chompy," Violet assured her unconscious Pokémon as she returned it to its Poké Ball.

    "Great job, 44Hy," Orange grinned as he withdrew his Water/Psychic-type.

    "Great job, the both of you," smiled Redwood. "You both were in sync with your Pokémon the whole time, and you battled excellently. I really think the two of you are gonna do fine-"

    THUMP!

    "What the hell?" muttered Orange; the loud thumping sound had come from just outside the front of the laboratory.

    "Let's see what's going on," Redwood stated as he dashed to the door as fast as his portliness would allow. As he pushed it open, Orange looked past him to see a boy who looked around his age passed out on the road.

    "Sweet crap!" exclaimed Orange as the professor ran over, picked the unconscious youth up, and carried him into the lab. He was wearing a sleeveless red jacket over a black t-shirt, and a red-and-white cap over messy brown hair.

    "Is he breathing?" asked Violet as the professor laid the boy down on a nearby couch.

    "Yeah he is," said Redwood. "I never seen him around here before, though."

    Just then, the youth's eyelids fluttered, then opened completely.

    "He's awake!" declared Orange.

    "Yeah, thanks, Captain Obvious," sighed Violet.

    "Oh..." groaned the boy. "Where... where am I?"
    ~~~~~~~~
    End of Chapter 1.​
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2013
  2. ChaosMudkip

    ChaosMudkip Tepig Hunter

    Well, this certainly looks.....interesting. I honestly don't know what to make of this, having been to terrified of file corruption and all that to explore glitches early on, and I don't know what to expect. But, as always, I DO expect creativity and surprise from this particular author, so I have no worries. Also: Is that character outside Red?

    (Btw, this arrived way ahead of schedule.)
     
  3. Missingno. Master

    Missingno. Master Poison-type Trainer

    Really? I was a little nervous about exploring glitches myself, but curiosity got the best of me in the end. And FYI, my team in Blue Version is comprised completely of Glitch Pokémon, and I have no fewer than 20 Missingno. in my PC, and it's been like that for years, and it still plays like new. Hell, sometimes I boot up my game, encounter some Missingno. and 'M, then look at the glitched Hall of Fame for my own amusement.

    Heh, thanks. You flatter me.

    Is it that obvious?

    Well, I said it would be up within the week, and this is within the week. I had more time on my hands today than I thought I would.
     
  4. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Oh dear, it certainly has been a while since I've reviewed anything here...

    What drew me in was the title of the story, 404 Error. At first I thought it was a glitch of some sort with the new upgrade of the forum, but then I saw who it was written by. Anyway, the first chapter kind of leaves you with an ominous feeling at the end, and this is amplified in my opinion because if you look at the top of page (at least on my computer), the tab says "404 Error." Sort of reminds me of a creepypasta. I also like the use of glitch Pokemon besides Missingno. I've only ever seen Missingno. in fan fiction, and none of the others have gotten used enough in my opinion. So props to you for using a lesser-known one. Your story certainly has an interesting concept, and it makes me want to read more.

    However, there are two things here that could be a bit better. One is your description. The longest paragraph in this chapter only takes up three lines. While it is always good to value quality over quantity, I think you could add more to the description by spicing it up. A "tastier" description always sits better with the reader. For example, your line, "A third flash of light, and a cube-shaped Pokémon covered in pixelly reddish markings," could be fleshed out a bit more. A longer, more descriptive line here would definitely be beneficial to the story, because not everyone is familiar with glitch Pokemon like you and I are. Speaking of being familiar with glitch Pokemon, there is a bit of a problem with 44hy. It battled inside of the professor's laboratory. This normally wouldn't be a problem for a starter Pokemon, except for the fact that 44hy is over 23 feet tall... So yeah, I guess you could use author's discretion since glitch Pokemon aren't official Pokemon, but I just thought I'd point out something like that, if you want to keep the story consistent.

    Overall, I loved the first chapter. You definitely have a great concept here. Keep with it!
     
  5. Missingno. Master

    Missingno. Master Poison-type Trainer

    You do make a good point. My description's never been my strongest point, but I'm trying to work on that.

    Yeah, I'll be taking quite a few liberties with the heights and weights of the Glitch Pokémon in this story, as a lot of them are insanely huge.

    Thanks, I will! Glad you liked it.
     
  6. The Oncoming Storm

    The Oncoming Storm I went to jared

    Awesome another fiction of yours for me to devour. I really like the idea of this story. It is original and quite entertaining so far. I am one of first fans from adventure of adventurness and it looks like I'm one of the first for this fiction as well keep up the good work!
     
  7. Knightfall

    Knightfall Blazing Wordsmith

    Hello once again. I hope I can continue my streak of being on time here.

    This is definately one fic that I won't be forgetting any time soon.
    I looked up the list of glitched pokemon, weird as heck.
    Can't wait to see what you'll do with a whole region full of them.

    If this Tanko is more screwed up then the regular Kanto....Let's just say I pity any soul who has to live there.

    This is a great start to what looks like a great fic, awesome work Missingno.Master.

    'Til the next glitched chapteerererrre...5736;005;284///@tttrheiz

    ERROR: FILE CORRUPTED: SIGN OFF NOT FOUND
     
  8. Silawen

    Silawen Fanfiction Critic

    You know, if I leave this story open in my tabs for too long and forget it was there, I might get a nasty shock at this random 404 error, haha. Anyway, it's been a while since I last reviewed someone, so I hope you'll excuse any silly mistakes. I do think this is an interesting concept. Glitches can have a profound influence on any game and it could mess with these characters and their lives without them even realizing it. I don't think I've seen too many of these stories either, so that's a good thing as well. The only thing I worry about is that you're going to turn this into an original trainer story which has the glitches as a byproduct, instead of making the glitches the focal point of your fic.

    From a technical stand point, there's nothing really wrong with this sentence. There aren't any spelling disasters, no grammar mistakes, and it flows nicely enough. Heck, I really like that you set up the way the glitches have distorted the world by pointing out the sun. However, I think your description could use some work. And I'm not just referring to what the reviewer before me said, though they have a good point.

    You really like your adjectives. I know they're easy ways of describing something, but I believe you use too many of them. Just count how many you used in my quoted example. You used three just to describe the sun - and three that are very similar, thus kind of cancelling each other out - and this continues throughout the story. Try not to rely so heavily on adjectives to describe things and, if you do use them, space them out a bit. You can describe things through description, you don't have to use adjectives for everything.

    This is another example where you use three of them to describe the boy's hair. That wouldn't be a problem if you did it once every few paragraphs, but you do it a lot.

    Also, write out numbers under a hundred. Fourteen, not 14, or eighty-eight, not 88.

    The mention of age makes me wonder about something else, too. Why is this region so different from the other regions? Why is a boy leaving on his pokémon journey at the age of fourteen instead of the customary ten? What is it about this region that would require such a thing and how does it impact everything in that region? It makes me wonder.

    Random note, unrelated to that quote, but you know you're allowed to use the verb 'said', right? You don't have to use 'whispered', 'hollered', 'inquired', 'conceded' for everything. Sometimes the characters can just say things. Fandom has put this strange restriction on using 'said', but it's really not necessary.

    Also, you don't have to use a speech verb for every sentence that is spoken. If two people are talking and you already set up who started talking first, then we can deduce that they alternate. So, for example:

    "Hey," the boy said.

    "Hey," the girl replied.

    "What's going on?"

    Because I started a new paragraph, we know a new person is talking. Readers are smart enough to realize that it's the boy who'd talk next.

    I won't mention the 'to capitalize or not to capitalize' debate, as it's been discussed plenty of times, but I do want to point out something about your starter choices here. Bellsprout is a fair enough starter choice, as they are pretty east to train and have two evolutions - mind, it's still not as good as generic starters as they wouldn't require stones to evolve - and I don't know enough about 44Hy to comment on that, but the choice of growlithe seems...odd. Whoever got the growlithe would be at a distinct disadvantage. Not only is growlithe the only one without a secondary type, he only has one evolution and that evolutions requires a stone. That doesn't seem like a fair deal at all.

    I think you're missing a verb here. Maybe add 'appeared' to the end of that sentence?

    Exactly. Bellsprout has one move, his opponent's starter has three. (And not just three weak ones, it has headbutt, confusion and disable.) Again, there is quite a discrepancy between starters here. Starters should always be of similar strength. They start out with scratch or tackle and a move that lowers defence or attack. At level five they get a move related to their type. This 44Hy, however, is ridiculously overpowered in comparison. I know it's a glitch pokémon, but if it was that strong it wouldn't be used as a starter. It wouldn't be fair.

    General notes.

    Your mechanics are fine. You don't seem to have any issues with grammar or spelling and, which is surprising for this fandom, you can even punctuate speech properly. That is awesome. I like the idea of using glitches to tell a story, even if I do have my worries about where this story is going. Overall, I think the thing you really have to focus on is description. Yes, I know you were told this before, but it deserves repeating.

    Don't rely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is a neat way of making things interesting and moving things along, but it shouldn't be the centre of everything. Tell the story through description, not just through characters' words. Just pause and think what's going on around them. They are in a lab, so what would they see? How about stacks of papers lined up, waiting to be read but already gathering dust? What about a beeping computer running some diagnostic? How about an empty pokéball on a table, indicating the professor is working with a pokémon. Heck, you can even have the pokémon sitting on a table when they walk in. What about aides bustling about, doing things? Using description to set up where they are is great. It also allows your characters to interact with their surroundings. Orange seems like a rash, outgoing type, so you could have him touching computers while he shouldn't and have Violet tell him off for it. Those kind of things set up their relationship and personalities.

    I hope that made sense.

    Anyway, I hope this review was helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
     
  9. Missingno. Master

    Missingno. Master Poison-type Trainer

    Thanks, I will.

    Glad you like it so far. I've often thought Glitch Pokemon were underrepresented in fanfics, which is a shame, I feel they have potential.

    It is more screwed up, but not so much in the whole fourth-wall-breaking way as in The Awesome of Awesomeness, if that's what you're insinuating.

    Thanks!

    '
    I see what you did there.

    Well, worry not. I plan to have the Glitch Pokemon play a focal point in the story. It just won't be very evident early on.


    True. Very true. Well, as I said I know my description needs work, though I wasn't aware that too many adjectives was a bad thing. I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

    Yeah, I do, don't I?

    Gotcha. I'll edit that.

    Trainers aren't required to start at the age of ten. Just look at the playable characters and rivals in B/W. Hell, I think the R/B instruction booklet puts Red at eleven. Anyway, there's a reason Orange and Violet are starting out so late, and it'll be explained soon enough.

    Another good point. I've been trying to make sure I don't overuse "said" so it doesn't start to seem repetitive. I guess I've done too good of a job of that, haven't I?

    Again, I know I can do that, the thing is, I guess I've been trying too hard to not overuse that.

    The majority of Pokemon in Tanko are either Glitch or from Kanto, which doesn't leave too many options as far as Fire-types. Charmander's the only one that evolves that doesn't require any sort of item to do so. Also, evolution stones are a little easier to get in Tanko than in Kanto. Not by a lot, but it still makes evolving Growlithe and Weepinbell a more feasible goal.

    Yeah, looking back at that sentence, it does seem like something's missing. I'll fix that.

    Choosing Bellsprout as a starter would be more beneficial in the long run than anything, which actually ties in with Violet's level-headed personality, I think. That said, I hadn't actually thought about that, it just sort of worked out like that. Plus, Tanko is basically glitch Kanto, it's not gonna be quite as balanced, as you'll soon see.

    All good points. I'm trying to improve my description, and I hope it shows in the next chapter. In fact, I'm going back to edit one or two mistakes in Chapter 1, and might touch up the description there in the process.


    Very helpful, thanks.
     
  10. Silawen

    Silawen Fanfiction Critic

    That's debatable, really. Plus, you're using anime canon, not game canon. The idea that kids go to a professor to get their first pokémon and then journey around is an anime invention. In the games it's mostly the characters getting a pokémon from the professor for specific tasks - deliver this, complete the pokédex, etc. - and not because it's a custom. Which explains why there are so few players with starter pokémon in the games. So game canon shouldn't be relevant here, as it conflicts with the anime canon you're using.

    In anime canon kids can get their first pokémon from the age of ten. It actually makes a pretty big deal out of Bianca being older than Ash but only just having started and she did so only because of her father's restrictions.

    Then why didn't you use a charmander as the third option? It would make a lot more sense than a growlithe. Evolution stones being easier to come by still doesn't negate the fact that it creates problems, though. There's no balance to those three, their moves and their power. In fact, growlithe evolving with a stone makes it possible for one trainer to have a fully evolved arcanine within a day of getting his pokémon while the other is stuck with a bellsprout. Or, if they are poor and have no way of obtaining a fire stone, the trainer will have a growlithe for the rest of its life whilst the other has a fully evolved victreebell. Do you understand why this might be problematic?

    Whether or not a bellsprout has potential to be great isn't relevant, though. Starters are chosen for a reason. They are easy to raise, have several evolutions, and a varied move-pool. They all start out similarly and are capable of being a trainer's only pokémon. Future strengths aren't really an issue when you're stuck with its unevolved form. A magikarp having the potential to turn into a gyarados means nothing when the trainer who owns it can only use splash when faced with a mere weedle.

    I realize this is a glitch region and whatnot, but professors would always strive for balance, because that is the most fair way of dealing with these things. There is a reason why things have to be balanced and that's to give no one an advantage. If there wasn't balance then people would complain, or you'd be stuck with trainers only choosing the pokémon with the most advantage. Bellsprout and growlithe would be left behind, because choosing them would be foolish.
     
  11. ESPNfanatic35

    ESPNfanatic35 Catcher of Ubers

    I as well thought this link was legitimately an error link when I first saw it! lol. The professor's gut scene was very funny as was many of the references to glitches. It's very easy to tell that you are a big fan of Pokemon glitches! Giving credit to the lesser known 44Hy and actually have it say its own name like a regular Pokemon was great. Having a choice for a 1000+ pound glitch of pixels as your starter? Who wouldn't choose that! Keep it up!
     
  12. Alexis Quinn

    Alexis Quinn New Member

    Interesting ...
    I've honestly never read a fan fic about glitch pokemons. Altough not as cute or glamorous as normal pokemons, technically they are still pokemons.
    44Hy is one of my favorites alongside the classic missingno....
    I've read a decent portion of your other fics during my time as a lurker. You got some talent.
    I really do like that you named the kids after colors a lá pokemon adventures special ....
    Looking forward to more...
     
  13. Missingno. Master

    Missingno. Master Poison-type Trainer

    Thanks! Glad you like it so far. Oh, and fyi, in case you didn't catch it earlier, I'm taking a few liberties with the height and weight of the Glitch Pokémon. A lot of them exceed ten feet in height and half a ton in weight.

    Thanks! Though Orange's 44Hy will evolve at some point, so don't get too attached to it in that form. And you'll be pleased to know that there will be at least two different forms of Missingno. appearing in this story at some point.

    And now, the part of the post that will appeal to you the most. As it happens, I was motivated to write shortly after posting the first chapter, so I went on and wrote up Chapter 2. I'd have posted it earlier, only I had school, and I had to proofread it still. But, now, here it is, Chapter 2!

    Chapter 2: Meet Red
    ~~~~~~~~​

    "Where am I?" the boy asked again.

    "Take it easy, son," said Professor Redwood quietly. "You're in my lab, in Talpel Town."

    "...what?" the youth asked uncertainly. "Talpel Town? Where... Who are you?"

    "I'm Professor Redwood."

    "Who?"

    "You've never heard of Professor Redwood?" asked Orange incredulously. "He's like, only the most renowned Pokémon researcher in the whole Tanko region!"

    "The what region?" replied the boy.

    "What the hell?!" exclaimed Orange. "HOW do you not know the name of the region you're in?!?!"

    "Orange, shut up," sighed Violet. She then turned to the youth on the professor's couch. "I'm Violet Scramble and Mr. Insensitivity back there is Orange McPixel. What's your name?"

    "Red. Red Vershunn," replied the boy.

    "And where are you from, Red?" asked Redwood patiently.

    "Pallet Town, Kanto region," Red answered.

    Orange, Violet, and Professor Redwood exchanged surprised glances.

    "The WHAT?!" exclaimed Orange.

    "The... Kanto region," Red repeated, now regarding Orange warily. "You must have heard of it."

    "I've heard of it," nodded Orange. "But I thought it was just an urban legend, you know, how it's supposed to be like a parallel universe or something."

    "Kanto does indeed exist," said Professor Redwood. "They've been conducting all sorts of research in the laboratory on Bincanar Island in the south, and the scientists there believe that it may be possible to forge a link between Kanto and Tanko. Red, what's the last thing you remember before waking up on my sofa?"

    "Well," Red began, "I was in Fuchsia City's Safari Zone, with Professor Oak and his grandson Blue."

    "Professor Oak exists?!?!" interrupted Orange.

    "Orange?" said Violet.

    "Yes?"

    "Shut up."

    "Anyway," continued Red, "He was going there to study some of the rarer Pokémon in the wild, and I got him to bring me along. He had just given me my first Pokémon, and I thought maybe I'd be able to catch something else there. But once I was inside, I got separated from the professor and Blue, and while trying to find them, somehow angered a Venonat, who blasted me with Sleep Powder. Once I woke up, I couldn't find the professor or Blue anywhere, so I left the Safari Zone. Five minutes later, I heard this awful voice in my head, saying stuff like 'Time's up! Your Safari Game is done!', over and over. It got worse and worse, and I must have passed out after that, 'cause that's the last thing I remember."

    A stunned silence followed this story. After a few minutes, Professor Redwood cleared his throat, breaking the silence.

    "Well, Red, you've obviously had a tough time. I think the best thing for you would be to get to Bincanar Island in the south. The scientists there might just have the answers you're looking for. Unfortunately, there's no boat scheduled to leave for Bincanar for a few months now..."

    "Oh, man," groaned Red. "The professor's probably worried sick."

    "I've got it!" exclaimed Redwood suddenly. "Red, you're a trainer, right?"

    "Yeah," Red nodded. "I never got a Pokédex yet, though. Professor Oak was all out, but he expecting to get a shipment of Pokédexes once we got back from Fuchsia, so he'd give me one then."

    "Well, I have an extra one," Redwood stated as he rummaged through a nearby cabinet, tossing various items over his shoulders as he spoke; Orange had to duck to avoid being hit by a stray cheese grater. Finally, the pudgy professor pulled a Pokédex out and handed it to Red. "Here you go. Orange and Violet here are about to start their own Pokémon journey. You can join them, Red. They'll probably be going to Bincanar Island for a badge eventually, and you can get your answers then."

    "Um, Professor? We weren't actually gonna travel together," Orange spoke up. "We just kinda bumped into each other on the way here."

    "And he means that in the most literal way possible," Violet added, rubbing the spot on her head where it had collided with Orange's head.

    "Really?" Redwood asked in surprise. "I would have thought you'd be traveling together, especially in these dangerous times."

    "They're not dangerous anymore, Professor," Orange said. "Those gangs haven't been heard from in months."

    "True," replied Redwood, "but that doesn't mean they're gone. And anyways, don't you think you ought to help Red out here? He's in a land unfamiliar to him."

    "We'd be glad to," Violet stated while shooting a dirty look at Orange.

    "Good, good," nodded Redwood. "Now, Red, what do you say?"

    "Well..." began Red, uncertainly, "...I don't know. It seems like a really roundabout way to get there. I mean, there's no other way I can get to... what was it... Bincanar Island? No planes? I can't rent a boat? You don't have any Water-types I can borrow?"

    Redwood shook his head. "The ferry service to Bincanar put all the boat rental businesses out of work, and they had already been struggling given the popularity of traveling over water via Pokémon. The only Pokémon I have here are the starters I give to beginning trainers, and the Water-types don't know Surf yet."

    "You don't have the HM for Surf?" asked Red.

    "Sorry," said Redwood. "Hidden Machines are very hard to come by, even for a professor such as myself. The only one I have teaches Flash, and that's practically useless."

    "Well, in that case," Red said, "I guess I'll go with... Violet and Orange, right?"

    "I think that's the best idea," nodded Redwood. "Even if you have questions about this region, I'm sure exploring it and seeing it for yourself would be better than any answer I can give you."

    "Good point," Red admitted. "Professor Oak says stuff like that all the time, that it's better to see the world for myself than just learn about it from someone else. That's why he agreed to take me with him to the Safari Zone in the first place."

    "That's settled then!" boomed Redwood. "Good luck to the three of you!"

    The trio said their goodbyes and exited Redwood's lab. Almost immediately, Red's eyes widened and he started to look in every direction, clearly weirded out.

    "What the..." Red muttered. "The sun... It looks like someone cut it into ribbons and scrambled up the pieces!"

    "Nice, isn't it?" smiled Violet. "You don't usually get a clear day like this in Tanko.

    "And... are those numbers in that garden?!"

    "Those?" Orange scoffed, looking at the professor's garden, which contained a bunch of ones, threes, and nines, all of them looking as if they were carved out of wood and painted black. "Those are nothing. My mom's crop of even numbers is fantastic this year."

    "This place is too weird," Red muttered, shaking his head. "So... you two are trainers, right?"

    "Yeah," answered Violet. "You want to see our Pokémon?"

    "Sure," Red replied, finally smiling. Violet smiled back as she took out and enlarged a Poké Ball.

    "Come on out, Chompy!" called Violet as she threw the sphere into the air. The Poké Ball split open, and Violet's Bellsprout materialized. Though obviously worn out from its previous battle, it was at least conscious again.

    "Cool Bellsprout," Red nodded as he took a Poké Ball of his own off his belt. "Now have a look at my Pokémon! Charmander, go!"

    Red threw the Poké Ball, and in a flash of light, a small, orange, reptilian Pokémon appeared before them. It stood on its hind legs, and the cream colored spot on its stomach extended down the length of its tail, which was tipped with a single small ember.

    "WOAH!" exclaimed Orange. "A Charmander?! Those are so rare!" As he spoke, he took out his Pokédex and pointed it at Charmander.

    "Charmander, the Lizard Pokémon. Obviously prefers hot places. When it rains, steam pours from the tip of its tail."

    "Yep," Red grinned proudly. "Professor Oak gave me this Charmander as my starter Pokémon. Now let's see your Pokémon, Orange."

    "With pleasure," Orange grinned back as he took his own Poké Ball, pressed the button to enlarge it, and tossed it up. In yet another flash of light, the two-foot-tall cube known as 44Hy appeared.

    "AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked Red in an unnaturally high voice as he pointed at 44Hy. "Wha... What IS that thing?!"

    "My 44Hy," answered Orange. "Why, what's wrong?"

    "Four four?" added 44Hy.

    "Where do I begin?!" Red exclaimed, now looking slightly nauseated. "Is that... thing... even a Pokémon?"

    "Look it up on your Pokédex," suggested Violet. Obligingly, Red took the miniature computerized Pokémon encyclopedia out of his backpack and aimed it at 44Hy.

    "44Hy, the Riverside Pokémon. 44Hy is an uncommonly good swimmer. If threatened, it fights back with telekinetic power," droned Red's Pokédex.

    "OK..." Red stated. "But, all the same, call it back, would you? That thing gives me the creeps."

    "44Hy is not a 'thing'," scowled Orange, but he withdrew his Pokémon all the same.

    "Thank you," Red sighed in relief. "So, um... where are we off to first?"

    "Nearest Pokémon Gym ought to be in Ivadirin City," Violet answered as she and Red withdrew their Pokémon. "It's not far from here, it shouldn't take too long to get through Route -1."

    "Route negative one?" Red repeated.

    "What, now you're gonna have a problem with our routes?" demanded Orange.

    "Not a problem," said Red, shaking his head. "Just... I just need to get used to this place."

    "We understand," Violet nodded. She then turned and glared at Orange while mouthing "You are so insensitive!".
    ------------
    Before long, the trio had arrived at Route -1. Red looked all around him, eyes wide, jaw dropped. The trees that surrounded them looked crooked and scrambled, as if someone had taken ordinary oak trees, chopped them into pieces, and glued them back together haphazardly and without regard for what trees actually looked like; between the arboreal abominations were what appeared to be large rocks with pieces of drywall, brick, and roof tiles attached in strange places.

    "Here we are," said Violet. "Route -1. Let's see what we can find in the way of wild Pokémon here."

    "Oh, it's on!" exclaimed Orange. "I bet I catch something before either one of you!"

    "Is he always like this?" Red muttered to Violet. as Orange dashed off across the scrambled landscape.

    "You've no idea," she answered.

    With that said, the three trainers began wandering around, turning their heads to look in every direction, eyes peeled for the slightest sign of a wild Pokémon. Though they saw nothing for the first minute of their search, a high-pitched gibbering sound reached their ears before long. Simultaneously the looked in the direction from which the noise was coming, and found its source easily enough; a swarm of small purple Pokémon was zipping through the air above them. Each Pokémon couldn't have been much taller than ten inches; their bodies looked almost rectangular, but with uneven, almost jagged bottoms. As they flew in every directions, some of them emitted small explosions, usually two or three in quick succession. Oddly, not only did the explosions not seem to harm the others, they didn't even seem to harm the exploders.

    "Awesome!" Orange exclaimed as he held his Pokédex up at the noisy newcomers. "It's a whole swarm of .4!"

    ".4, the Caffeine Pokémon," droned Orange's Pokédex. ".4 travel in swarms and emit high-pitched cries constantly. They explode regularly to let off excess energy, but the explosions will not knock them out. .4's type is Pokémaniac, which gives it no weaknesses."

    "Gah!" exclaimed Red as a couple of .4 swooped down right past his face. "Get rid of these things!"

    "Get rid of them?" repeated Orange. "Are you kidding? I'm gonna catch one!" And he took the Poké Ball of his belt, enlarged it, and threw it. "44Hy, come on out!" he exclaimed.

    The ball opened up, and 44Hy appeared in a brilliant display of light. Many of the .4 scattered in all directions at the sight of this larger Pokémon, though several remained.

    "Use Confusion!" Orange commanded.

    "Four four!" replied 44Hy as it fired off a ray of blue light at the remaining .4. The Caffeine Pokémon screeched in pain as the Psychic move struck them, causing a few more to flee. One of them, however, stayed behind and began to fly in circles around 44Hy.

    "This is too weird," Red murmured, shaking his head.

    ".4's using its Agility attack," Violet warned Orange. "You better be careful, now it's even faster!"

    "Relax," scoffed Orange. "I got this-"

    BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

    Orange, however, was interrupted by the sound of three consecutive explosions, all of them coming from .4. Each blast, though minor, knocked 44Hy back a bit.

    "So, what, they know Explosion? Selfdestruct?" asked Red.

    "Nope. TM28," said Violet.

    "TM twenty-eight?" Red repeated. "I don't think I'll ever get used to this."

    "TM28, .4's signature attack," Red's Pokédex spoke up suddenly from within his backpack. Red hastily dug it out to hear it continue. ".4 explodes to let off excess energy. Due to its constantly-energetic nature, however, the blast does not knock it out. TM28 has no type."

    "A move... with no type," Red sighed. "I've never heard of such a thing."

    Meanwhile, Orange was continuing to battle the wild .4. After the TM28 attack was done, 44Hy had retaliated with a Headbutt, slamming the energetic Pokémon down onto a rocky part of the ground, right next to a square-shaped puddle. Though it still made unintelligible gibbering noises, it couldn't seem to rise back into the air.

    "I've been waiting to say this all my life," Orange said as he took an empty Poké Ball out of his backpack, enlarged it, and heaved it directly at the unconscious .4. "Poké Ball! GO!!!"

    The red-and-white sphere hurtled through the air and struck the Caffeine Pokémon. As soon as this happened, .4's body turned into a shapeless glob of transparent red energy. The Poké Ball split open, and with a distinct whirring sound, sucked the mass of energy inside. Once all of it was inside, the ball snapped shut and began to wobble back and forth on the ground.

    "C'mon.... c'mon," whined Orange as the ball continued to shake.

    Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the ball stopped shaking.

    "YES! YEEEAAAAH!" exclaimed Orange as he snatched the Poké Ball and held it up high. "I caught .4! Oh yeah!"

    As Orange continued to loudly celebrate his new capture, Violet turned to Red.

    "So, Red, why don't you try to catch a Pokémon? It shouldn't be too hard to find some more .4."

    "I'll pass, thanks," Red answered. "I haven't even heard of Pokémon like 44Hy and .4 before. They just creep me out a bit, I dunno. I prefer stuff like.. you know... Rattata, Pikachu, Spearow. Stuff with bodies that aren't so... geometric."

    "Well, you'll be able to find a good amount of those," Violet assured him. Then, she looked behind Red. "Huh. Speaking of which, isn't that a Rattata right there?"

    Red spun around. Sure enough, a small, rodentlike creature was scurrying across the blocky landscape. Most of its fur was a rich shade of purple, and its front teeth were extremely prominent.

    "Now we're talking!" Red exclaimed as he held out his Pokédex in the direction of the Rattata.

    "Rattata, the Rat Pokémon," said Red's Pokédex. "Rattata's front teeth grow continually, so it gnaws various items to whittle them down. It can chew through even the toughest of metals."

    "I'm catching this!" Red declared, throwing a Poké Ball. "Charmander, go!"

    In a flash of light, Charmander appeared. It gave a sharp cry of "Char char!", which caught the Rattata's attention.

    "Orange, will you shut up for a minute?" Violet asked; Orange had still been celebrating his new Pokémon in a very verbal manner. At this, Orange grudgingly quieted down, then noticed Red about to battle.

    Rattata made the first move. It darted forward, and slammed its whole body into Charmander. Though Charmander was taller than Rattata, the Tackle attack made its mark nonetheless; Charmander was pushed backwards a bit, but it managed to stand its ground.

    "Scratch attack, Charmander!" Red ordered.

    "Charmander char!" replied Charmander as it lunged at Rattata and took a swipe at it with its front left leg. This knocked Rattata onto its back, but it got back up relatively easily. Rattata then wheeled around and started wagging its tail uselessly.

    "...uh..." Orange said, clearly at a loss.

    "It's Rattata's Tail Whip," explained Violet. "Red, don't get caught off-guard. That's exactly what Rattata is after."

    "Right," nodded Red. "Charmander, Scratch one more time!"

    "Chaaaaar!" Charmander exclaimed as it lunged at Rattata again and took another swipe. This time, Rattata was able to scramble out of the way of the attack. It continued to run, gathering speed, and slammed into Charmander's side, sending the Lizard Pokémon tumbling to the ground.

    "Gah!" Red exclaimed. "That was a Quick Attack, wasn't it?"

    "Looked like one," Orange nodded. "My mom's pet Pikachu knows that move."

    "Charmander, try your Ember attack!" Red ordered.

    "Mander!" Charmander exclaimed as it climbed to its feet. Charmander then turned its back to Rattata and wagged its tail. With each wag, a number of small flames flew off its tail. Rattata watched this, seemingly mesmerized by the fire, until the flames actually collided with it. At that point, Rattata began screeching angrily, but passed out almost immediately.

    Red wasted no time. With his right hand, he dug into his backpack and pulled out an empty Poké Ball. With his left hand, he turned the cap on his head so it faced backwards. He enlarged the Poké Ball, then launched it at the Rattata. "Poké Ball, go!" Red shouted.

    The sphere struck Rattata, and just as Orange's Poké Ball had done with .4, Rattata turned into a shapeless mass of red energy, which was sucked into the ball. Once Rattata was completely pulled inside, the ball slammed shut, fell to the ground, and started wobbling back and forth.

    There was total silence. Red was glaring at the Poké Ball as though his gaze would prevent Rattata from breaking free. Then, finally, the ball gave a final pinging sound and fell still.

    "Nice," Orange said as Red scooped up the Poké Ball containing his new Rattata.

    "Yeah," Red grinned back as he withdrew Charmander. "I caught Rattata!"

    "Your turn, Violet!" Orange exclaimed as Red turned his cap back around. "You're the only one who hasn't caught a Pokémon yet."

    "Will you give it a rest?" Violet snapped. "I'll catch a Pokémon when I'm good and ready to, and not just because it's the first one I see!"

    "Well, you gotta do something, that Bellsprout of yours isn't gonna cut it forever."

    "I will, eventually. Quit bugging me."

    "Fine," Orange sighed as Violet started looking around. Once she had her back to him, however, Orange stuck his tongue out at her.

    "Shouldn't we head to... what was it... Irividan City?" Red suggested.

    "It's Ivadirin City," said Violet. "And you got a good point.

    "Wait a minute!" interrupted Orange. "You wanna challenge the Ivadirin Gym Leader with only a Bellsprout that only knows Vine Whip?"

    "That's... actually a good point," Violet admitted. "Even if I don't want to catch something just yet, I gotta train Bellsprout a bit."

    "In which case we should head to a Pokémon Center," Red stated. "Bellsprout looked pretty wiped out when you showed it to me."

    "Oh, fine," sighed Orange. With that, the trio continued down Route -1.

    The walk wasn't a particularly long one. Red was extremely wary of his surroundings, given that the ground seemed to be made up of lush grass, solid rock, paved road, and puddles of water in relatively equal measure. Orange and Violet traversed this terrain like it was nothing, whereas Red kept tripping over almost everything. It took Red a little while, but he was able to catch up. Once he did, he began talking with Orange and Violet, and was astonished to discover that the both of them were fourteen.

    "I'm only eleven!" exclaimed Red. "And you guys only just started today?"

    "Yeah," sighed Orange. "There's been a lot of trouble in this region lately, so my mom didn't want me starting until things quieted down a bit."

    "Same with my mom," added Violet. "There's been these two gangs wreaking havoc all over the region, causing trouble for trainers. I think they call themselves Team Debug and Team Error. My mom only gave up and let me start my journey because they've quieted down lately."

    "Yeah, same here," Orange nodded.

    "Teams Debug and Error, huh?" said Red. "They sound a lot like this Team Rocket we got back in Kanto. They're a gang of Pokémon thieves."

    At that point, however, the trio reached the top of a small hill and saw before them a mass of pixellated, scrambled structures that appeared to be buildings.

    "Here we are," announced Orange. "Ivadirin City!"
    ~~~~~~~~
    End of Chapter 2.​
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2013
  14. ChaosMudkip

    ChaosMudkip Tepig Hunter

    Red Vershunn? Someone is having a bit of fun with homophones, Action Replay style!
    Overall, it will be hard to get used to glitch Pokemon. I've always liked the concept, yet, as aforementioned, shied away from them. In any case, I wonder why Red hasn't figured out the anagrams of the cities. Overall, the fic seems like it has potential, but I doubt its ability to last a considerable amount of time.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2012
  15. GroundBlaze

    GroundBlaze Starter Keeper

    Pant.....pant....... just learned about this fic an hour ago and I must say I'm impressed
    not only am I learning about new glitch pokemon but you've actually taken a concept most trainers fear and made it funny
    add me to the PM list please so I can read on
    as always good work m.m
     
  16. Knightfall

    Knightfall Blazing Wordsmith

    FILE: LOCATED.....47564/REBOOT.

    LOADING CHAPTER RESPONCE.....

    Wow, two chapters in a day. Well played.

    Anyways, this chapter had a lot more going on in it.
    Inter-dimensional transport,
    me having to look up more glitched Pokemon,
    Red Vershunn (nice last name), more mixed up names for towns,
    and first captures for Orange and Red. (And I thought 44HY was a weird Pokemon, .4 is just a dot.)

    And I noticed something, isn't Ivadirin city's gym leader the eighth gym leader? Or is that just a difference between Tanko and Kanto.

    Anyways loving this so far, great work.

    Knightfall signing off...;005;


    EDIT: May I please be put on the PM list, if there is one? Thanks.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2012
  17. The Oncoming Storm

    The Oncoming Storm I went to jared

    So chapter two finally allows us to see the strange and crazy areas of the tanko region. Wow is it weird. I am with red on this one. I much prefer theregular routes and plain pokemon. Don't get me wrong I love the fic I just wouldn't want to live in this region at all.

    I can't wait to see what the gym leader will be like
     
  18. Shale

    Shale gtfo

    Original idea! A whole region based off of glitch Pokémon is pretty ridiculous. I could get used to it, I think.

    Wait, so .4's signature move is the TM28 or is that the name of the move?

    Anyways, please add me to the PM list!

    -Shale
     
  19. Silawen

    Silawen Fanfiction Critic

    Chapter two.

    This chapter is fine, mechanically. Again, not many grammar mistakes, nor spelling errors, but I'm still missing something. It's description. We discussed it before, but it's still important and I haven't seen much improvement. Just take a look at your chapter and check out how many paragraphs begin with - or consist solely of - dialogue. It's almost entirely made up of speech. You do everything through your character's words instead of your own.

    I really think working on description could flesh out and improve your story. As it stands, you're missing out. Why? You're working in a world so unlike the ones we're used to, but you're not using it. You could show it to us, much like you did the sun, but you glance over it. Them living in a glitched out universe is new, it's unexpected, and it's something Red would not be accustomed to. Neither are we. So show it to us.

    You do it a little bit with the sun in chapter one and some quick description of the forest and its glitched-out pokémon, but you should try to do it more. This world being different from others is a vital plot-point, so show us how different it is. Does this make sense? (And don't just say things are 'scrambled'. Explain what that looks like.)

    Also, why hasn't Red realized that it's a mirror world yet? He should be intimately aware of Pallet Town and the road that leads to Viridian City. Your version is supposed to be a glitched out version of theirs, right? So while things would be different, they would still be similar. So why hasn't he taken note of it yet? And why is he being sent on a trainer's journey when he needs to get to Cinnibar Island - or this world's version of it, anyway. Surely there are more boats that could take him, or they could rent one, or Redwood could lend him a water pokémon, or ask someone to fly him there, or... Someone from an alternate universe just showed up on a professors doorstep. I doubt someone so interested in knowledge would simply say 'oh, go journey around the world for a few months and maybe you'll get to this faraway island at some point'.

    Anyway, I still think this has an interesting premise, but it's starting to look like a trainer journey that just happens to be in a world that has lots of glitches. I hope you have some sort of plot in mind, because that would get boring pretty fast. Also, description, but you know that by now.

    Your characters are fun, though a bit cliché - the loudmouth boy, the know-it-all girl and the cool stranger - but they work well and their dialogue sounds realistic. I do like their interaction, even if I think Red adjusts to this being a new world a bit too easily. (I certainly wouldn't be happy catching pokémon shortly after I'd been told I was in an alternate universe.) They are lovely, though, and that's good. Good luck with the next chapter and any edits you might make!

    Edit. Oh, I forgot. One error I did notice was in this paragraph:

    Or, at least I think it's an error. That last 44Hy doesn't make sense to me, as the pokédex is talking about the .4 pokémon, not the starter.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2012
  20. Osha Say What?

    Osha Say What? Well-Known Member

    I like the story so far. It's pretty interesting. I can't wait to see what kind of antics these guys get into. Put me on the PM list please.
     

Share This Page