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Bad Idea (one-shot)

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by Sike Saner, Jul 21, 2015.

  1. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    So, this itsy bitsy teeny weeny Vienna sausage of a ficlet.

    A few years back, I did a fanfic meme of some sort that, at one point, asked me to write a paragraph centered around one of my favorite characters. What happened instead were several paragraphs. Whoops-a-daisy.

    I'd rate this a K+ at most, as I don't imagine a single use of the word "crap" and a younger, pre-TOoS Karo being a b-hole warrant anything more.

    ___

    Bad Idea
    ~or~
    Don't Be a B-hole​


    In the darkness of the Granite Cave, Karo the nosepass nestled among the rock formations with a relaxed sigh. A few good decades’ worth of sleep sounded like a pretty good idea—until a sharp, metallic odor entered the air, faint at first but growing stronger by the second. He knew that scent all too well, and he was no better at ignoring it than he’d ever been.

    The sound that came with the scent soon arrived: the tapping of tiny feet against the stone floor. The faint volume of those steps told that their maker was still at a bit of a distance. There was no light in the cavern, no way to see the creature as she drew nearer, but Karo didn’t need to see to know it was an aron who was approaching him.

    He thought about leaving her alone. He really did. After all, he wasn’t hungry in the least, so what reason was there not to mind his own business and let the aron go about her own?

    Other than entertainment value, that is…

    Ultimately, he just couldn’t help himself. The thought of the nice scare he could give her just amused him too much. As the aron got close enough to feel the magnetic influence of the nosepass she’d strayed too near, Karo could hear the rhythm of her stride falter and change; she’d just realized the danger she’d gotten intp. Knowing he had to make his move quickly lest the aron turn and run, he gave his magnetic field a sudden boost.

    “KREEEEEEEEEE!” cried the aron, pulled sharply towards him. She scrabbled to right herself; once she managed to get back onto her feet, she tried fighting with all her strength against the invisible grip that had seized her, but couldn’t even take a single step forward.

    And then, abruptly, Karo cut the power of his magnetic pull as much as he could. The aron, met with a sudden lack of resistance, went tumbling forward with a shout and a crash.

    Karo almost couldn’t hear the aron’s footsteps or even her cries over his own loud, honking laughter as she ran bawling out of the cavern. Around the time he finally fell silent, beginning to drift towards a near-bottomless sleep while pride in the prank he’d just pulled still lingered in his head, he noticed a metallic scent on the air once again. It was considerably stronger this time, though, and the footsteps that followed were much louder and slower and were accompanied by another sound—growling, Karo recognized with dread as he realized what was approaching him.

    There was no light in the cavern, no way to see the creature that now stood before him, uncomfortably close, undeterred by the threat his magnetic field represented to the aron, swishing her heavy tail back and forth with an effortless speed that spoke loud and clear of its owner’s strength. But Karo didn’t need to see her to know that he was now facing a very angry aggron.

    Oh crap…

    Thus it was that Karo learned one of the reasons why it’s not such a wise idea to pick on those smaller than one’s self: it sometimes draws the attention—and the ire—of something larger than one’s self.


    FIN
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2016
  2. [Imaginative]:[Clockwork]

    [Imaginative]:[Clockwork] X-treme trainer

    I was worried that being unfamiliar with the character might hurt my enjoyment of this, but it was still really cute! You make good use of the narration to give us a sense of the characters feelings without dialogue, especially in the cases of aron and aggron. You got a lot of mileage out of just footsteps, which was perfect considering vision wasn't present at all. In general, I like how all of the action is in terms of what Karo knows is happening (like the magnetic field), what he can hear, and even what he can smell. If not for the aron's shout and Karo's thought at the end, I feel like this even could have worked well as an entry for the Fanfic Quarterly prompt. If anything, I think it might work better without the dialogue, since it almost feels a little extra when we can already tell that Karo's kind of a b-hole. That's definitely pretty subjective, though, so it's your call.

    The moral at the end was also nice, since it combined with the length to make this feel like a children's story. I know that sounds kind of like an insult, but I mean it as a complete compliment, haha. Like zamuil, I thought its shortness was what added to the fun. It didn't drag on or go too in-depth. I'm always impressed when people tell a complete story in a short amount of time, and I think that's what you've managed to do.

    Sorry this is just a wee review, but I really don't have much to criticize! It was cute and fun all around!
     
  3. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    zamuil: Glad I could provide a little break from the frustration for you. :> Best of luck with your writing!

    [Imaginative]:[Clockwork]: Not insulted at all! That's more or less exactly how I'd hoped it would come across, so mission accomplished. :D

    Thanks to you both for reading!
     
  4. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    This is cute. I especially liked the idea of Karo being able to smell the metal on the aron/aggron--

    I think your sentences got a bit wordy at times, like here:

    You could replace "the magnetic influence of the nosepass to whom she had strayed too near" with "Karo's magnetic influence," for example, and I think it would read a bit easier. Same deal with "she had just realized the danger into which she'd gotten herself," although the fix isn't as clear to me; it just strikes me as a little overcomplicated.

    The big apposative in the middle of this one strikes me as a bit snarled. I think a large part of it is you're sort of hesitant about the verb. Rather than simply drifting towards sleep, Karo allows himself to start to drift towards sleep. There are times when you'd want to dance around the verb a bit, or emphasize that Karo was allowing himself to fall asleep, but I don't think it's necessary here. I also don't think you need to specify that the prank he's thinking about is the one he just pulled, since that's the only one we've seen. Overall I think something along the lines of "Around the time he had fallen silent, drifting towards near-bottomless sleep while pride in his prank still lingered about his mind, he noticed a metallic scent on the air once again" would be easier to parse.

    Just some little style things to think about. Like I said, this was fun. I'll bet you could do a whole spinoff with Karo; or then again maybe not, given his tendency to take decades-long naps whenever he feels like it. On the other hand, I imagine that tendency gives him a pretty unique perspective on world events, on top of him being his unusual self.
     
  5. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    Negrek: Hit the nail right on the head there. "Hesitant" is the number one descriptor I'd apply to my works of that era. For reasons I still can't quite pin down, I had this sense of mustn't make too-assertive statements as a narrator, along with an overly broad/nebulous idea of what constituted "too assertive". The real punchline is I was also excessively concerned with whether or not the text was too ambiguous, and my "solution" to that mainly made things even murkier. XD;

    One of the last times Communication went under the knife prior to being finished was to try and pare that stuff down. This'll be next. :D

    Karo is VERY much one of those characters I'm constantly wishing I had more ideas for since he is a blast to write. (That wasn't intended as a pun but you know what, I'm calling it one in hindsight.) He's actually in one of the things I'm working on now, but it's not really about him. Hopefully he'll get more than a page in the spotlight someday. 8D

    Thanks a thousand for the read 'n' reply! :>
     
  6. Starlight Aurate

    Starlight Aurate Just a fallen star

    I can't really do much more than repeat what the others have said and just mention that was a really cute, fun little fic to read :) Karo is such a b-hole, but he's an understandable and relatable b-hole! Like [Imaginative]:[Clockwork] said, this could really read like a children's work. Especially here:

    It feels like a little kid's book (in a good way!) with its simplicity and reassurance that Karo was tempted to be good, but just wasn't.

    Unfortunately, I don't have much else to say. Karo would seem like such a fun guy to read about and see what shenanigans he gets himself caught up in, but when you're stuck in Granite Cave, it makes me wonder if there are really many adventures to be had ;)

    This line, though:
    Definitely my favorite :)

    Good job overall! The whole thing was really cute and fun to read :)
     
  7. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    starliteevee: "Tempted to be good" is the best phrase I've seen in a while, and it fits. Sometimes both the little devil and the little angel on your shoulders have their work cut out for them.

    Never mind that nosepass barely has shoulders. :p

    He did eventually get himself caught (in his sleep, no less) and brought out of the cave. Only some of what happened since has been written, but there'll be more.

    Thanks for the read 'n' review! :D
     
  8. Psychic

    Psychic Really and truly

    This was really cute! It read almost like a folk tale/fairy tale, which made it incredibly charming, and Karo seems like a really fun character to follow around, even based off the short amount of time we spend with him. Considering that our primary sense/the main way narration is described - aka sight/visuals - is absent here, I think you did a lovely job telling the story using other senses, primarily sound and smell. Many of the verbs you used were really evocative, like the "tapping of tiny feet" and "honking laughter," and I would have loved to see even more of that. The metallic odour was a detail that really stood out, though at first I totally assumed that there was a bleeding Pokémon. :x

    I also agree with Negrek about some of the sentences being a bit too wordy - many sentences also seemed to tend towards the long side, so feel free to vary the length here and there.

    Otherwise, this was a very cute story with great characters and a tight narrative that makes for a nice light read. Seconding the need for more Karo one-shots!

    ~Psychic
     
  9. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    Psychic: Heh. Don't think I'm not tempted. Karo is so much fun to write. 8D

    (I've actually been writing him a bit lately. :D But he's not the lead in that one, and it's only going up once every last chapter is postworthy, so. Gonna be a bit on that front, at least.)

    Had Karo been in a different mood (which is to say a hungrier one, insofar as "hungry" is actually a mood), there totally would've been a bleeding pokémon. And that's my morbid statement for today! 8D

    Thanks lots for the read 'n' reply! :>
     
  10. Chibi Pika

    Chibi Pika Stay positive

    So I’ve seen the link to this hanging out in your signature for a while, but I’d never clicked on it until today. And then I realized--hey, this story’s last post wasn’t more than two years ago, and the author’s totally still around… I can comment!

    And even this short little mini-fic exemplifies something I love about your writing--the way you portray Pokémon’s POV. Little details are dropped so casually and matter-of-factly. The fact that a decade-long nap is just something that a rock-type does. The sensing of metallic fields--heck, all the senses. I almost didn’t even notice that there were no visuals in this! The description definitely didn’t suffer for it.

    I especially liked the way you built up the atmosphere at the end. We can’t see it, but we know what’s coming. We realize it as Karo realizes it. And we know how bed he screwed up. Even if he totally deserved it, I hope he wasn't mangled too bad. ;P

    ~Chibi~;249;;448;
     
  11. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    Chibi Pika: Yep, no visuals! No flash users in the house. Heck, perhaps humans hadn't even settled Dewford's island at that point, so no flashlights or anything like that, either. That's the thing about Karo. In a situation like this, where no specific date is given, we could be dealing with something that happened decades, centuries, even millennia ago.

    Anyway! With regards to how effed up he got for that little stunt... Well, let's put it this way. As of TOoS, he knew that he could regenerate from rubble. Knew it, for the record, rather than just assuming and boasting.

    Karo has never seen another nosepass regenerate before.

    :)

    Thanks for the read 'n' reply! :D
     

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