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Summer Storms

Zee

Supine Surrealist
Rated PG-13 to R for mild violence, mild sexual content and occasional mature situations. Drama/Comedy. Ed and Luce set off on a journy to find themselves, but will they like what they find? Will Ed find out what happened to his father. Will Luce find out what he wants to do with his life? Find out in Summer Storms

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Chapter List
Chapter 1 - Leaving behind Azalea
Chapter 2 - Trailblazing Ilex
Chapter 3 - Rice and Turkey Sandwiches


Day One

It was a hot day in Azalea Town, and a young man in denim shorts and a tan baggy tee shirt with a faded pokeball logo on it was out on the front porch laid out on a lawn chair, looking down at the rest of the town from the hill. A cooler beside the lawn chair and a pair of mopeds on the road with a trailer behind were all recent additions, well, maybe not the cooler. The young man sipped from his can of lemonade and leaned back in the lawn chair, enjoying the shade of the trees in the yard. Edward Malkovai was a Pokemon Trainer, and he was waiting for somebody. He heard grunting noises in the other house; the sounds of pleasant yipping followed by a squeaky door and a heavy thud besides him got his attention. Ed glanced toward the cause of the sound, noting a cardboard box. He then lifted his sunglasses up to see Luce standing there over him, sweating a bit.

“You could be helping, you know… this whole thing is your idea,” Luce said, panting and resting against the frame of the screen door, catching his breath as Mist, Ed’s Eevee was bouncing around, clearly excited. Ed just flashed a toothy grin and sat up, his bright red hair flailing in the summer breeze as he took off his sunglasses, grabbing his phone and checking it for messages.

“Luce, I don’t see why you complain, after all, don’t you want to do something other than babysitting pokemon all day?” Ed retorted, opening the box checking it out, noting it was just some kitchen supplies. “Is this more stuff you’re taking back to your folks? Sheesh, you had a lot of stuff in there.”

“Hey, I’m the one who brought the dishes and stuff, you just brought the electronics.” Luce defended, wiping the sweat from his brow. Luce wore a white tee shirt and baggy jogging shorts, his brown hair blowing in the wind, his exhaustion completed. Mist rushed over to Ed, and curled around his legs, yipping happily. “Not that I’m complaining, the TV and the radio were awesome.”

Ed smirked and reached into his cooler, tossing Luce a can of lemonade. “Thanks man,” Luce said, popping the can open and drinking. “Are you sure you want to do this? I mean there’s no turning back now but, do you really think you can make it, you’re starting so late to be a trainer.”

Ed knelt down and reached into a pouch on his side, pulling out some pink Nanab berries, which he gave to Mist, feeding her the slow ripening berries. They were some of her favorites, and Ed always took care of his pokemon. “I got my pokemon when everybody else did, I just didn’t leave town to pursue. I mean, come on, education first man.”

“Yeah, but I mean, a trainer? Pokemon are boring, all we got around here are Slowpokes,” Luce complained. Ed took the last box and put it in the back of the trailer that was affixed to his moped; he looked over at Mist and waved her over. The pokemon yipped happily and leaped onto his shoulder.

“Listen, at least go into the forest and try catching something.” Ed said, checking the hitch for the trailer. He stood up, and walked back to his lawn chair, picking it up and folding it. Under the chair was a black and red backpack; Ed set the lawn chair in the trailer, then went back to put the backpack on, pulling out a few small golf ball-sized pokeballs for Luce.

“Hey man, I said I’d help, I only agreed to go along… since you’re talking half the rent with you anyways I might as well,” Luce said, somewhat glaring at the pokeballs.

Ed crossed his arms and thought for a moment, the sun bright just past overhead as noon took its end, Mist even looking furtive as Ed looked the same. But before he opened his mouth, Luce stopped him. “I bet you ten bucks I won’t find anything even if I looked.” Ed was shocked, so was Mist, each sharing a look of surprise; were they that predictable?

“Alright, you’re on man. Meet me at the Pokemon Center when you finish, call me if you have trouble,” he said, grinning and laughing as he sat on his moped, the Eevee purring pleasantly and holding onto his shoulder with its claws, digging in a bit too much. He started down the hill slowly, not wanting the hitch to snap or come loose; the trailer might’ve been too full, but it was the last load and Ed wanted out.


It was later in the afternoon when Ed got to the Pokemon Center; Nurse Donna was tending to some wandering boy’s Pikachu, but Ed didn’t pay them any mind and laid out on the couch. Mist leaped on top of him, nuzzling onto his stomach, making him chuckle from the ticklish fur. He checked his messages and, bored, flipped through some pokedex entries. It was a modern age after all, and pokedexes were uploaded onto phones, information being sent out all the time. Ed sighed, flipping through about thirty, looking at Eevee entry and her evolutions.

The minutes turned to hours and day turned to dusk, and Ed had turned to sleeping. His Eevee had apparently strongly agreed, as she was nuzzled up against Ed’s stomach and was purring lightly. “Yo, EDWARD, are you here?” he heard, waking with a start. The Eevee fell off the couch and growled in an annoyed tone. Ed’s eyes had opened lazily, and he saw what looked to be a pregnant Luce before him.

“Whoa… that’s a weird look for—“ he had started to say as Luce pulled out the egg from under his shirt. Ed scrubbed the last of the sandman’s leavings from his eyes and checked out the egg, gazing at its large form. “Where did you find this, dude? Out in the forest?” he inquired placing a hand on it; it was warm, and a bit wet. Ed cocked an eye and thought for a moment, then proceeded to wipe his hand off on Luce’s jacket, sticking his tongue out. “Ick.”

“Hey, it’s a long walk and I was out in the forest in this weather; course I’m sweating. Anyhow, I found this out in the forest; I guess I owe you ten bucks after all eh?” Luce explained with the egg in both hands, held securely. Ed laughed and shook his head indicating it wasn’t really a serious bet, though he would have given Luce the money had he not found one.

“Nah, but let’s go get that thing examined and figure out what it is,” he said, and walked up to the counter. A Chansey in a nurse’s hat was minding the counter, a stone in its pouch, keeping it happy and content. He looked down at the short thing; Ed was by no means a tall person, he stood about 5’8” and often was overshadowed. Luce was taller, at nearly 6 foot. “Wanna get Donna for us, Chance?” he said, looking over the egg-shaped monster. It trilled and gave a pleasant nod, rushing into the back room.

“He woke up finally? Finally, I thought he would never leave,” a woman in white scrubs said, blinking, shocked to see that Ed was glaring at her as she said that. She brushed her bright blonde hair from her eyes and groaned. She walked over to the counter, and laid her head down, eyes shut and the florescent light did nothing but make her skin look like fresh porcelain. “What do you want, Ed?”

“Actually Donna, I’ve got an egg I found, I was curious if you could tell me what it is?” Luce said, holding out the egg. The Chansey trilled happily and rushed around the counter to snag it from him, and it nuzzled it pleasantly. “Ok…ay?” he said, a little worried. The Chansey rushed back and handed Donna the egg. She groaned and lift the egg, grunting a bit and setting it onto a nearly incubator. Ed and Mist were watching eagerly, Mist on Ed’s shoulder.

“Okay, its heavy, that’s for- WHOA, 45 pounds? That’s nuts!” she said, and checked it out, running her hands over the shell, feeling its texture. “Pebbly…” she went under the counter, pulled out a hefty book, and began to search the contents. After about five minutes of checking charts and taking measurements she slammed the book shut, causing Mist to leap off of Ed’s shoulder to be caught by the Chansey who promptly cuddled the thing. “I have no idea.” Donna said sheepishly. Ed groaned and turned to the door.

“Oh… well, Ed what do you think it could be?” Luce asked. Ed shrugged and started for the door, Mist leaping onto the couch and onto Ed’s shoulder as he headed out. Once outside he reached into his backpack, pulling out a large twisted device of rubber and aluminum. The doors swung shut behind him as he hunted for the rubber clasp on the machine. Luce came outside and groaned, “You could have said goodbye to her, Ed.”

“I didn’t say goodbye at graduation, I won’t say goodbye now,” Ed said, and with a loud clank he heard the metal lock drop out of place as the device started unfolding into the bike he had bought ages ago. He unfolded it diligently, on his knees and carefully checking it for security as Mist leaped into and got cozy in the now open backpack. “Besides, she didn’t seem happy to see me anyways.”

Luce sighed and sat down, putting the Egg into his backpack and looking at Ed who was putting the bike together. “You know she cares about you,” Luce said, “You two were friends as long as I’ve known you two; I mean I still don’t know what happened.” Ed grunted and popped the second tire in place, and it inflated automatically.

He propped the bike up, then turned to Luce, furrowing his brow, “You don’t need to know what happened. Now, get your skates ready, we’re heading out,” he said, looking as the sun was starting to set. Luce dropped his jaw.

“Are you serious?! It’s so late out, and Ilex forest gets so dark. Why couldn’t we leave tomorrow?” Luce cried out, gob smacked. Ed didn’t turn around and flipped the switch for the light on the front.

“Put on your skates, we’re going now,” he repeated calmly, obviously not going to argue this now. He put one foot on the pedal and tapped his other foot. Mist turned around and mewed at Luce, who had gotten the message. Luce clicked a button on his shoes and skates popped out.

Ed lifted his feet and the bike slowly starts to coast on the road down the hill. Luce yelled out at him, “Hey!” and the rapid skating sounded until Ed felt hands on the back of his bike. “Don’t leave without me!”

Ed laughed and started to pedal down the hill, through the paved road and heading out into the forest along the bike path, cutting so many busy streets away. “You wanted to know why I wanted to start being a pokemon trainer now?” he said softly, barely audible over the sound of the wheels of the bike and the skates. It was more a monologue for only him then anything. “Because I can’t waste my life sitting around for something to happen. I will MAKE something happen!” he cried out, and bolted into the forest. It was a click in his head, something was on fire in his heart and he had the urge to go faster, to break away from Luce and to prove himself a master without anybody’s help. Luce was groaning and sputtering.

“Dude, slow down, I can’t hold on if you go this fast, besides, I’ve got an Egg in my backpack.” Luce called out, and Ed snapped out of it, sighing a bit, the wash of adrenaline faded from his brain and he caught hold of his senses and slowed down a bit, letting them coast slowly as he broke to slow down a bit. He took the path slower; now realizing the terrain might not be fair to them if he went too fast. At least he slowed down so he could watch out for debris.

It was seemingly hours, although Luce’s watch only beeped twice, they knew it was getting closer to midnight then they would want. Ed took a breather and looked around for a clearing; he found one, a clearing with a shrine. It was good enough for Ed; he slowed to a crawl with his bike and let Luce get off, who waved his hands swiftly.

“Oh that hurt’s like nobody’s business!” he said, rubbing his hands over each other. Mist shook awake and stretched out in the backpack, purring as she licked Ed’s ear.

Ed stretched out as well, and laid his bike on the side of the grassy hill. He walked over to one of the benches near the shrine and set the backpack down; Mist meeped and hopped out. Ed reached into a side pocket and pulled out a coffee energy drink, tossing the other to Luce. Then again, it probably would have been smart to make sure Luce was looking.

After the inevitable squabble over tossing cans at people’s heads, the pair cooled off and rested in the dark of the forest, only lit up by a bike’s feeble light. Luce would check on the egg, examining it and holding it close; it was moving around a bit, so Luce was happy as could be.

“That thing might be a powerhouse; I mean it, it’s possible,” Ed said, complimenting Luce’s luck.

“Did I hear somebody say powerhouse?” a voice said from the trees. Ed turned the bike light towards the source, and there stood a young man of maybe 15, dressed in a track suit. Ed smirked, and opened up his cell phone, it showed the map of Ilex forest and showed about three trainers in it, and this guy was one. Ed grins and stood up.

“Mist, I think this this’ll be your first real battle, so let’s do what we practiced,” Ed said softly. Mist nodded and looked at the other boy, growling a bit. “Hello, my name’s Edward, and yours is what?”

The other boy looked right at him and reached for his pokeball. “Mine is Joshua, and I sense you’re interested in a battle!” he said, throwing down a pokeball. A flash of light illuminated the forest. Ed could see the boy perfectly now—there was a painted third eye on his forehead and he wore a hooded track shirt and long track pants. His suit was covered in Unown pictures. The light dissipated and a Kadabra stood out, ready for orders.

Ed stood erect, his posture defiant and strong now. He snapped his left hand and the Eevee leapt forward in front of the Kadabra. Luce sat on the bench hugging his egg, watching the now ensuing fight. Ed chuckled and reaches into his wallet. “How about… a hundred dollars?” he inquired, setting the pace for the contest, high stakes for a young man.

“That is acceptable. Battle will begin… NOW!” Joshua roared, and the Kadabra leapt forward. Ed simply snapped his finger rapidly in a set of four. Ed wasn’t a fool; while lots of Psychic trainers would issue orders mentally, Ed issued them with snaps of his fingers. His Eevee rushed up to the Kadabra with unexpected speed. Luce dropped his jaw and so did Joshua. But this wasn’t Quick Attack, Ed thought, this was something much more potent.

The Eevee cried out and leapt onto the Kadabra, its claws raking over Kadabra’s torso, leaving black claw marks on the body. The Eevee grunted and rushed back to its starting position. Ed blinked and looked at the Eevee, it seemed to hurt itself, and that was part of the trick. Ed looked as the Kadabra waved its hands outwards, and a pink wall was erected between Mist and the Kadabra. Ed chuckled.

“What are you laughing for? Your attack didn’t do anything! Your Eevee hurt itself even!” Joshua mocked, laughing heartlessly. Ed lowered his head but grinned. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a berry, light and hollow. He spritzed Mist’s face and she purred a bit, her face regaining color. The Kadabra would have none of this and rushed forward, swinging a powerful blow across the Eevee, knocking it clean into the trees.

Luce stood up. “What the heck?! Was that a Focus Punch?! Ed, get Eevee out of there!” he cried out, and Ed laughed. He snapped his fingers once, and Mist stood up, growling as if she hadn’t been hit; she rushed madly towards the Kadabra and planted a powerful tackle into the beast, sending it flat on its back. The Kadabra stood up, woozy, its powerful punch denied.

“So, I see you know when your friend is done for, that’s just fine with me if you quit,” Joshua said, laughing and looking at Kadabra, who stood up, but then nearly fell back down. “What is this?” he inquired, looking at the now coughing Kadabra. Ed snapped his fingers four times, and Mist laid down, her head bowed as he seemed to do something.

“Your pokemon is badly hurt, Josh,” Ed said as Josh rushed over to it, a bottle of potion ready, and spraying it on the poor thing. Ed snapped his fingers once, and the Eevee readied herself. Josh saw the Kadabra look up for a moment and then fall back down, groaning. Mist dove right into the Kadabra’s head, and then leapt away. “You’re a fool…”

“Why isn’t the potion working?” Josh cried out trying another one. Ed smirked as the Eevee was showered in a bright light, regaining stamina. He reached into his backpack, pulling a spray bottle, chuckling darkly.

“Maybe if you anticipated poison…” Ed said softly. Mist purred happily, proud of herself for doing just as was expected of her. Luce stood and walked over to Ed, curious himself of what was going on here; Ed was doing something he never told Luce about.

“But poison isn’t a problem when you’ve got as many potions as I’ve got…” Josh said as the Kadabra coughed and fell still; the fight was over. “And besides, my Kadabra inflicts whatever status it has on the opponent.”

“Think about it, kid. My Mist attacked you right off with a powerful move, and I fed her a berry. It wasn’t an Oran or Citrus berry, but it was a Pecha berry.” He grinned at his tactics. “Your Kadabra was fighting against Toxic, and as all novice trainers do, you assumed potions could hold off poison until you get back to town. Well, guess what, it didn’t,” Ed said, explaining it all to the young boy.

With a sullen face, the boy handed over a hundred dollars and Ed waved him off as he walked over to his bike. The young boy headed down the path and soon was faded from the light, as he flipped on a flashlight to keep from getting lost on the path. Ed turned back to his bike after seeing the kid off into the distance.

“Uh, Ed…” Luce said worriedly.

“Yeah Luce?” he said, turning to Luce, who held the egg in hand. There were cracking sounds, and Luce was shaking. Ed blinked; Luce’s watch was beeping as midnight struck.

“It’s hatching…”

End of First day.



Thanks for reading~~

;201-z;;201-e;;201-e;
 
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This is excellent for a new Fan Fic writer. If it came from someone more advanced, it wouldn't be, but this was really good. I love the setting(my Fic beginsin Azalea Town as well) and the character introductions and personalities were perfect. I love your cliffhanger ending and I'll be sure to keep reading this Fic.

The only things that bothered me was your grammar. Try to find a Beta (somone who reads the chapters before you post them and fixes the grammar mistakes - sort of like an editor) so that your work is even better. In the beginning when you introduced Edward's Eevee, Mist, I was a bit confused because of the comma placement. For example...

Zee said:
Luce said, panting and resting against the frame of the screen door, catching his breath as Mist, Ed’s Eevee was bouncing around, clearly excited.

I thought he was breathing mist for a second. This is also one long run-on with multiple things in it. I would cange it to:

ME!! said:
Luce said, panting and resting against the frame of the screen door, catching his breath. Mist, Ed’s Eevee, was bouncing around, clearly excited.

Now you have two sentences that are able to be read much better.

Other than what I pointed out, this was really good. Keep me posted!
 
i liked it really.
 
Hello! It's always great to see new writers posting. Since I saw you'd done just that, I figured I'd leave you a review. ;) Hopefully it'll be of help to you.

-

It was a hot day in Azalea Town, and a young man in denim shorts and a tan baggy tee shirt with a faded pokeball logo on it was out on the front porch laid out on a lawn chair, looking down at the rest of the town from the hill.

Now, the beginning of your story is very important. I tell a lot of writers this, but if your opening isn't solid, then that may influence your reader's enjoyment before it's even started. You don't want to make mistakes in the beginning, because it might put people off.

Here, however, you have a few small problems. One of them being 'laid out on a lawn chair'. Let me explain a few things really quick:

Lay means "to place something down." It is something you do to something else.

Lie means "to recline" or "be placed." It does not act on anything or anyone else.

In this case, you meant to use the second one, because the character is not doing something to something else, he is doing something on his own. We then go to the past form of 'lie':

The past participle of lie is lain. The past participle of lay is like the past tense, laid.

Examples: I could have lain in bed all day.

They have laid an average of 500 feet of sewer line a day.

In this case, you meant to use 'lain', like the first example. Using laid means something else entirely. ;)

Aside from that, the way you constructed your sentences implies the lawn-chair was overlooking the town from the hill, as opposed to your character. Also, there was no mention of a hill before, so a specific mention of the hill seems a bit odd.

A cooler beside the lawn chair and a pair of mopeds on the road with a trailer behind were all recent additions, well, maybe not the cooler.

This is what we call a run-on sentence. It's a sentence that just keeps on going, even though there is no reason to. It often leads to comma abuse. The sentence beginning with 'well' isn't immediately relate to the one in front of it and can stand on its own. Therefore, it'd be better to make two seperate sentences out of it.

A cooler besides the lawn chair, and a pair of mopeds with a trailer behind, were all recent additions. Well, maybe not the cooler.

I removed the bit about the road and threw it around a bit. Just a suggestion, of course, but I think it works better. This way the trailer isn't behind the road, as suggested, and it flows better, I think.

He heard grunting noises in the other house; the sounds of pleasant yipping followed by a squeaky door and a heavy thud besides him got his attention.

There is no direct need to use that semi-colon. You could just make it into two seperate sentences, or add something and use a comma.

Also, besides is used to indicate something that is 'in addition to', whereas you meant to use 'beside', as in; next to me.

“You could be helping, you know… this whole thing is your idea,” Luce said, panting and resting against the frame of the screen door, catching his breath as Mist, Ed’s Eevee was bouncing around, clearly excited.

It's another huge sentence seperated by commas, whereas you could have put in a period somewhere and break it into pieces. As indicated by another reviewer, there has to be a comma after eevee if you're keeping it like this.

'Mist, Ed's eevee, was bouncing' etc.

I'm always wary of using eevee, to be honest, seeing as they're often used to be huge Gary-Stu/Mary-Sue indicators. But we'll see.

I do like that he's an already established trainer, though.

“Luce, I don’t see why you complain, after all, don’t you want to do something other than babysitting pokemon all day?” Ed retorted, opening the box checking it out, noting it was just some kitchen supplies.

Cut the first sentence in two again. There's no need for the comma after complain. Make it into two sentences.

“Hey, I’m the one who brought the dishes and stuff, you just brought the electronics.” Luce defended, wiping the sweat from his brow. Luce wore a white tee shirt and baggy jogging shorts, his brown hair blowing in the wind, his exhaustion completed.

Comma after electronic, seeing as defended can be used as a speech verb. Also, how do the white T-shirt and baggy shorts add to his exhaustion? I think you might want to seperate that into a new sentence.

Under the chair was a black and red backpack; Ed set the lawn chair in the trailer, then went back to put the backpack on, pulling out a few small golf ball-sized pokeballs for Luce.

No need for that semi-colon, a period would work just as well. Either way, the sentence seems to suggest he pulled the pokéballs out of the trailer instead of the backpack. I would rephrase it a bit.

“Hey man, I said I’d help, I only agreed to go along… since you’re talking half the rent with you anyways I might as well,” Luce said, somewhat glaring at the pokeballs.

"Hey, man" seeing as it's a direct adress. Also, comma before and after anyways, if you're keeping the sentence like that. :)

“I bet you ten bucks I won’t find anything even if I looked.” Ed was shocked, so was Mist, each sharing a look of surprise; were they that predictable?

Ehm, I'm not entirely sure what they're being predictable about. The wanting to go out and catch pokémon? That was mentioned already, so couldn't be guessed at anymore. Nothing else has been mentioned and I'm really confused as to which predictable comment is being referred to.

It was later in the afternoon when Ed got to the Pokemon Center; Nurse Donna was tending to some wandering boy’s Pikachu, but Ed didn’t pay them any mind and laid out on the couch.

You have a habit of using semi-colons instead of periods where they're not needed. Also, again, not laid but lay. We don't want anyone 'laid' on the couch, thanks.

Ed sighed, flipping through about thirty, looking at Eevee entry and her evolutions.

I believe there's a word missing.

His Eevee had apparently strongly agreed, as she was nuzzled up against Ed’s stomach and was purring lightly. “Yo, EDWARD, are you here?” he heard, waking with a start.

This sentence makes it seem like the eevee heard the phrase, instead of Ed. Seeing as pokémon don't understand human speech quite that well, I'm pretty sure you wanted to refer to Ed instead.

“Whoa… that’s a weird look for—“ he had started to say as Luce pulled out the egg from under his shirt.

'the (something)' generally refers to a specific thing. Seeing as no egg was mentioned before, it wouldn't be specifically pointed towards either. 'An' egg would perhaps work better.

There's another instance of 'laid' instead of 'lay', but I'm sure you get the idea by now. ;)

She groaned and lift the egg, grunting a bit and setting it onto a nearly incubator.

Lifted. Also, setting an egg on an incubator doesn't do much good. Unless you didn't mean for it to help any, in which case you didn't have to mention the incubator specifically.

You're also not entirely consistent with your speech. You sometimes miss the comma that is supposed to go with it, where at other places you do it wonderfully well. Do it whenever there's speech. Comma, not a period unless the sentence after it isn't related directly to the spoken sentence.

"Hey," Amy said.

"Hey." Amy waved happily.

“Put on your skates, we’re going now,” he repeated calmly, obviously not going to argue this now. He put one foot on the pedal and tapped his other foot. Mist turned around and mewed at Luce, who had gotten the message. Luce clicked a button on his shoes and skates popped out.

Using skates of any kind in a forest doesn't sound too bright. Dirt and such.

they knew it was getting closer to midnight then they would want.

Than. It's a comparison, so than.

“Did I hear somebody say powerhouse?” a voice said from the trees. Ed turned the bike light towards the source, and there stood a young man of maybe 15, dressed in a track suit.

A couple of things about this. One, trainers wouldn't generally be out this late. Two, fifteen year old boys aren't men in any sense of the word. Three, I doubt any bikelight that's powered by batteries would be large enough to illuminate someone high up in the trees.

Oh, and we tend to write out numbers under a hundred.

“Mist, I think this this’ll be your first real battle, so let’s do what we practiced,” Ed said softly.

Unnecessary extra 'this'.

Ed chuckled and reaches into his wallet.

Reached. If you start in past time, stick to it.

“What the heck?! Was that a Focus Punch?! Ed, get Eevee out of there!” he cried out, and Ed laughed.

You'd think a friend of Ed's would know what name he gave his eevee.

I'm a bit confused as to which move eevee is moving. As far as I know eevee doesn't learn any dark type slash/claw/scratch attacks of any kind and no normal attack would hurt that kadabra.

In fact, the entire battle confused me. Did eevee use rest? Then why didn't it sleep at all? You made use of kadabra's synchronize ability, but how did eevee get poisoned in the first place? A pecha berry cures poison, but it can't induce it, or prove to be an antidote for it when it hasn't already been infected.

Later on you mention Toxic, but when did eevee use it? All you mentioned were dark claw marks, nothing at all indicated eevee releasing toxic waste of any kind.

“Your Kadabra was fighting against Toxic, and as all novice trainers do, you assumed potions could hold off poison until you get back to town. Well, guess what, it didn’t,”

I'm sorry, but no fifteen year old is a novice trainer. Fifteen year old would have been training for up to five years and all his real life battling experience should make him vastly superior to Ed.

Anyway, hope this helped! Good luck!
 
Good to see you again Silawen! For a novice writer this is a good beginning. No clear plot yet so it could be anything as of now. Silawen pointed out almost everything I was going to. I'm guessing this fic is set somewhere in the near future. One thing I didn't see with the Pokemon was description. I think every writer has a problem with description at first. I know I did and sometimes I still do. I know this is a Pokemon forum site, but you have to think that we have no idea what these "Pokemon" look like. You need to show us.

The battle also confused me. Ed, a trainer who has not been in an official battle, completely whoops this fifteen year old boy who is supposed to be a trainer for five years already. How does that work? That's like taking a trainer and putting him against a Gym Leader and expecting them to completely sweep them. From what I know Eevee doesn't learn Shadow Claw unless you use a TM and if you're going by game canon where did Ed get the TMs? You said Eevee poisoned Kadabra by using Toxic and Eevee didn't get poisoned because she was fed a Pecha Berry. Doesn't a Pokemon have to be poisoned first for a Pecha Berry to work? I also find it hard to believe that an unexperienced Eevee can stomp a trained, most likely for five years, Kadabra.

Besides all of that I like it. If there is a PM list put me on it.

Until next time, this is Shadow Lucario signing off
 
Wow. I appreciate the very thorough dissection of my story. It feels a bit wierd to be replying right after that detailed suggestion list. I'm slightly self-concious about my grammar.

I now feel I have to do some backpedaling and explain the Eevee. I guess my view of the move Toxic is more of a powerful sting or bite. Yet again that could easily be any number of other moves.

I would disagree that a fifteen year old would be a honed trainer, after all Ed started at twenty. Is it assumed that everybody starts early and keeps at it? What if he was only a casual trainer going through the woods? I hardly know people so determined to stick with something that much.

I feel I am being too defensive though, I should have explained this in the chapter a bit more thoroughly.

The Gary-Sue/Mary-Sue thing I suppose I am guilty. I even tried to go out of my way to avoid such problems. I guess this is all part of the learning process and I should yield a better second chapter now.

So overall, I am not mad or offended. I accept the criticism and acknowledge that you fine folk have pointed out a lot of my literary shortcomings. I will do my best to bring a higher level of quality to my story.
 
I guess my view of the move Toxic is more of a powerful sting or bite. Yet again that could easily be any number of other moves.

Hmm, well as far as I know most games - and the anime as well - generally portrays it as the opponent throwing toxic sludge at the opponent. I'm not sure how eevee could combine that with another attack, especially when she hadn't used toxic in the first place. Perhaps have her cough up some toxic, dip her paws in it, and then attack? That would also immediately explain why she was poisoned herself.

I would disagree that a fifteen year old would be a honed trainer, after all Ed started at twenty. Is it assumed that everybody starts early and keeps at it? What if he was only a casual trainer going through the woods? I hardly know people so determined to stick with something that much.

This discussion has been met with a lot of disagreements over the years. Here at Serebii there's a clear distinction between those who stick to what they believe to be supported by canon, trainers leave at ten; and those who believe it's just a general possability. They can leave at ten if they want to, but they don't have to. I'm with the first group. I've explained my reasoning countless of times, so I'd like to direct you a post of mine which explains it, instead of having to go through it all again. Please read the rest as well, so you get both sides of the argument. ;)

Either way, someone who has an evolved kadabra is serious about things and even the most casual of trainers would have an edge over Ed, since at least they've had competative battles before.

Good luck with your next chapter and let me know if you need help. :)
 
Chapter Two

Ilex forest was dead silent. There was no wind. There was no chirping of the bug Pokémon and no rustling of the nighttime predators. It was as if for a brief moment in time all of nature held still to witness majesty in action. Luce, a man from Azalea Town, held the egg close in both shaking hands. Ed stood several paces away, looking on with interest and curiosity. The Eevee named Mist licked its paw as if to ignore the newcomer, cleaning its lush tan fur.

“It’s hatching,” Luce repeated, watching the eggshell crack. Deep cracks pushed downwards from the top of the egg. Grunting noises sound from inside and a small tip of blue pushed through the top of the egg. A clear slime flowed down the oblong egg, and the fluids coated Luce’s hands. The drippings landed heavily on the grass below. A few deeper grunts emanated as the blue tip pushed farther, showing a fin. A pair of small arms reached upwards to grasp the edges of the egg. In an effort to pull up, they cracked more eggshell and revealed bulbous eyes clenched shut. Luce helped and picked pieces of eggshell of the newborn. It took nearly a minute of Luce peeling eggshell off the creature to expose it all. It was a dark blue shark-like creature, with a bright red belly and small white fangs inside its overlarge maw. Its arms and legs were little more than plump limbs with digits on the ends. It had a pair of egg-shaped protrusions from where its fin met the head.

Luce had a look of absolute amazement on his face, in awe of the spectacle he had just seen. He held the little creature gently and tentatively with a mother’s affection. Ed saw the start of a relationship only those close to Pokemon knew. Mist was even looking at Luce and the baby, though it was nestled in its own fluffy tail. Just as easily as time held sway, it fell back into activity. Nature began her whistling wind and rustling leaves and night seemed to verve back to life.

Ed reached for his portable phone and flipped it open with a finger. The light of the screen beamed on Ed’s face, which still smacked of astonishment. He punched in a few buttons and aimed the camera at the baby creature. With a click and a flash, the photo was taken and sent to a nearby radio tower. Data bounced from tower to tower to server and back again. His screen filled with information as the Pokedex application sung to life.

“Gible, Land Shark Pokemon. Gible live in warm caves and tunnels, they prefer tropical climates and are a predatory species. They have an average height of 70 centimeters and an average mass of 20 kilograms. Its identification number is 443. It evolves into Gabite and then into Garchomp. It is commonly found in the Sinnoh region,” The phone said loudly in the forest.

“It is just too cute. I think I want to name it Baby,” Luce cooed. The baby pokemon nipped at Luce’s fingers, and whined a bit, hungry for food from its mother. Luce must have understood on a newfound maternal level and swung his backpack around onto the ground. Inside he had packed several meals in Tupperware containers. After a fumbling one-handed search, he found his desired piece and held some raw bacon up. “Do you think it’ll eat this?”

Ed’s eyes widened and he shrugged as he snapped back into reality. Mist pawed at his leg whining for attention as the new Pokemon seemed to gobble it all into its hungry maw. She pouted like a little kid and lay down on Edward’s foot, demanding to be noticed. Ed looked down at her and picked her up, holding her in his arms. He pet Mist and she murmured happily as Ed searched for reason in his brain. He was thinking if raw bacon was safe or not for a predatory animal.

They could have easily spent half the night thinking about it had not the Gible decided for them. It reached out a pudgy arm and grasped it with its small claws. It brought the raw meat to its mouth and chewed eagerly, pulling the rest from Luce’s hand. Ed and Luce sighed in relief, hoping that would satisfy the baby’s hunger.

Ed turned to the path then looked back at Luce’s shoes. “I don’t think it’d be too smart to let you hang onto my bike now. We should just walk.” Ed walked over to his bike and started to fold it. Mist leapt onto Ed’s shoulder, peering over at what he was doing. Luce nodded at Ed’s suggestion and simply held the creature, waiting for Ed to finish putting the collapsible contraption away.

So the pair of them walked through Ilex forest in the dead of night, Luce losing stamina with every passing step. But where his body was failing to keep activity his mind kept racing. Eager to break the silence between the two of them, he spoke aloud for the first time in nearly an hour. “How did you win if you’ve never had a battle before?”

Ed was searching through the woods for a shortcut at the time, and stopped dead in his tracks as he was asked this. He turned back, saying, “You knew I had Mist for a long time. Didn’t you ever think it was odd I disappeared once or twice a day? During lunch at school or after the day was done?”

Luce shook his head. “Ed, you don’t sleep like a normal human being, I thought you were napping or something like you normally did,” Luce replied as he pet Baby gently. The young Gible was snoring lightly, unaware of the world around it.

Ed laughed outright. He had a habit of ignoring normal timetables of sleep. “I guess that made good cover then, eh?” He walked further and watched his step as he carefully picked a path through the heavy woods. “I’ll explain. You know back when we were finishing primary school and everybody was getting ready to head off on some big adventure?”

Luce timidly stepped exactly where Ed stepped. He didn’t want to slip or fall so he took his time in matching his paces exactly. “Yeah, you said you didn’t care though. Ashley, Jennifer, Mark, Andy and Sean all left the same day and so did a bunch of other people. There was like eight of us who stayed.”

Ed nodded in agreement of what he said with memories coming back in a rush now. “Almost every other day during lunch I took Mist and snuck off to Ilex forest to fight something.” He broke a few branches to make the path a bit better and Mist occasionally switched shoulders to avoid branches. “I wanted to prove that you didn’t need to leave town to become a decent trainer.”

Luce stopped a moment. “Wait a minute. That isn’t like you Ed, you always said you wanted to leave Azalea and be a big-shot pokemon trainer like your dad.” The moment Luce said that, he covered his mouth, not wanting to speak of Ed’s dead father at a time like this. Ed was known for acting out when people brought up Kuzma.

But Ed didn’t flinch, he just kept going. “Yeah well, I had some help in that decision. My mom wanted me to stay home, so I didn’t end up like Dad. Well, I’m my own man now and I’m doing this myself. Anyhow, Mist was given to me back when I was six.” He pointed to a clearing from the woods. They had cut through maybe two or three hours of walking on a path. He rushed out and stamped his feet on the ground, glad to finally make it through that prickly forest. “My uncle Semyon thought it was only right that I got the Eevee they bred from my father’s Jolteon,” Ed said, petting Mist happily. “What kind of life is it for a pokemon bred for battle to sit around as a house pet?”

Luce fell silent, now realizing what Ed was doing. He didn’t want to be a trainer because he wanted to do it. It was his way of keeping his father alive in himself. But something didn’t sit right just yet. “Hold on, why are you going now? You could have left two years ago when you turned 18.” Ed ignored Luce and pressed on. Following the path they would soon see picnic tables and benches, with lights glowing dimly.

“Finally, we can get out of here.” Ed stretched as he walked past the picnic tables and headed for the open gate. Luce drudged on, eyes half open. Ed slowed his pace with his eyes wide open as an adrenaline rush in him was rising with anticipation. All he had to do with get to that next pokemon center.

After another hour on the road with the sun rising over the mountains to the east and fencing to the west overlooking a sea, Ed and Luce reached their destination. Goldenrod City clearly was best seen in that wondrous seven minutes of sunrise. Every building was either white or a shade of yellow, and in the soft yellow light of morning they each seemed to glow. The day was too young for cars and bikes to yet be walking the streets and nobody wandered the sidewalk. It was the big city sitting without motion and to the two small-town men, it seemed only natural.

After taking the appropriate moment to enjoy the scenery, Ed jogged around the city’s streets. He followed the street signs to the pokemon center, Luce struggling to keep up. After all, carrying a nearly 21 kilogram infant for several hours straight is no small feat. Ed found the building with rapidity and rubbed his hands together, excitement rushing through his frame yet again.

Ed swung the doors open and walked inside boldly to see a tired nurse in white scrubs with bright pink hair resting her head on the counter. With a polite wave in her direction, he rushed over to the videophone. Luce stumbled into the building and spun around, landing flat on his side on the couch. The Gible nuzzled into his chest and cooed; Luce had already begun to snore. Ed fumbled with his pockets for some loose change. Quickly plinking in the coins, he punched in ten digits and hoped and prayed. After a few moments he got a reply.

“Semyon Malkovai is out right now, but if this is Ed call the other number, I’m probably asleep. Darn time zones. If you’re interested in specially bred pokemon stay on the line and let the computer pick up, otherwise get off this number!” The screen was filled with the face of Semyon, that black mustache dividing it well. His eyes always looked cold. Ever since he fell through two stories of his home when he was renovating it took on a different feel. Semyon had taken a nail the wrong way to the back of his head, and luckily all it did was render him colorblind. Then again, is there a right way to take a nail to the back of the head?

Ed groaned and Mist picked up on his feelings attempting to nuzzle her master’s cheek. Ed reached into his pocket for his phone which was beeping angrily since the battery was dying. He punched in his uncle’s number and waited as the phone on the other end rang and rang. After nearly a minute of it ringing he heard it pick up to rough grumbling. “Yeah, what do you want?” Ed chuckle with excitement rising in him as his uncle breathed laboriously in the phone.

“I made it to Goldenrod Uncle, and I had my first pokemon fight too!” Ed was speaking a little too loudly, the nurse had woken up. Ed’s eyes flicked over to her as she tried to casually wipe up the small puddle of drool she had left. He turns away, laughing inwardly.

“Ed? Ah, good. I’m happy to hear you can handle a light stroll through a park and beat a little boy. Now, tell me kid, what’s your plan from here on out?”

“You know why, I’m going to do what we talked about. You know he’s out there someplace, I’m going to find where he and bring him out of hiding. After what that slime ball did to us, he’s going to pay. Where did he call you from?”

“Ed, he called me from a pay phone somewhere in Saffron two weeks ago. I have no idea where he is now, and you’re not looking for him. I was against this from the very start.” Ed growled a bit and slammed his fist against the side of the videophone. The nurse cried out and looked over at Ed while his change rattled to the bottom. Mist leapt off of him and was watching carefully from a few paces back.

“Just because you’re afraid to go after him doesn’t mean I don’t want to make him pay for all my years without a father.” Ed was yelling into the phone now, starting loud and dipping to a low growl. “Now – I think you know what I’m really calling for.”

“Kid, just because you’re my brother’s son doesn’t mean I ought to be doing you any favors like this.”

Ed’s eyes widened. “It was your idea for me to become a trainer and you said you’d send it if I started to become a pokemon trainer.” Mist cowered at her master’s tone, hiding under her very bushy tail.

“Fine, but only if you cut out this revenge shtick, you’re going to get yourself hurt. Stick to becoming a good trainer and don’t lose sight of what really matters.”

“Send me the pokemon. I’m standing at the booth.”

“Hey, promise me.” The gruff voice was demanding things and Ed was groaning. He leaned against the videophone booth, his head against the screen. He took the pokeball from his belt and set it in the holder.

“I promise you, Semyon. I won’t go after him.” Ed bit his lip, waiting. He heard some noise and heard the click he’d been waiting for. His uncle had put a pokeball in the transfer slot. He grinned and put coins back into the booth, setting up for the receiving end. “Just send it to the videophone booth in Goldenrod.”

“I know, I know. Just don’t make a fool of me, Ed.” The pokeball’s center glowed red as the transfer started and completed almost simultaneously. Ed grabbed the orb and held it up to the fluorescent lighting. After a moment of basking he clipped it to the side of his belt.

“I promise, I won’t chase after dad.” Ed said, the rush drained from him. The sun rose past the buildings and the bright sunshine fell upon him. He felt exhausted, just emotionally and physically empty. He hung up his phone and crawled onto the couch where Mist cowered under. The last thing Ed saw was that nurse. His gaze met hers briefly.

Her hazel eyes were so beautiful to him.

End of Chapter Two
 
Once again, excellent for a new writer. I will most definately be reading ths until the end. We're starting to figure out what this story is gonna be about and we're left with more cliffhangers. Didn't see too many errors. Just wait, cause there are some and Silawen will find 'em for ya.
 
Well I was actually hoping for Silawen to show up but ah I wouldn't mind some C&C from other people too, I was hoping more people could find stuff for me to improve before I get too far along in my 3rd chapter [which is already longer then the first two].

But I guess reviews or no I'll post the next installment Friday night or sometime shortly after. Hope I've got a couple people looking forward to it. But even if not, I'm having loads of fun writing this bad boy.
 
Last edited:
I'm here, I'm here! Sorry it's taken me a while, I've been very busy the last couple of days. ^^ Hopefully it'll still be of use for the next chapter.

There we go!

-

Ilex forest was dead silent. There was no wind.

I would suggest saying 'deadly silent' instead. It gives it a scarier feel, I think. If not, then dead should be part of the word, so dead-silent.

There was no chirping of the bug Pokémon and no rustling of the nighttime predators.

Chirping is generally something birds do. So, in this case, bird pokémon. I wouldn't necessarily depict it to be something a bug does. They'd be quiet, to avoid those predators, and perhaps only make a rustling sound as they move. Perhaps use rustling for the bug pokémon and say 'and no howling of the nighttime predators' or something.

Luce, a man from Azalea Town, held the egg close in both shaking hands. Ed stood several paces away, looking on with interest and curiosity. The Eevee named Mist licked its paw as if to ignore the newcomer, cleaning its lush tan fur.

You've introduced us to the characters already, so there's not necessarily a reason to introduce Luce again. We know who he is from reading your last chapter. Yes, it'd be good to remind people occasionally, but like this it seems like you're introducing a new character.

Also, the eevee ignoring the newcomer seems to point to that as well, because the egg hasn't hatched yet and thus there is no 'newcomer' to speak of. Not until it hatches.

Oh, and again there's an instance of 'the' something, when it hasn't been talked about yet. Perhaps say 'the egg he'd been carrying'? That's been specifically mentioned.

The last sentence also seems to imply the newcomer is already there and cleaning its lush fur. The sentence after the comma generally refers to the one before it. :)

Grunting noises sound from inside and a small tip of blue pushed through the top of the egg.

Sounded. If you start a story in past tense, then stick to it. ^^

The drippings landed heavily on the grass below. A few deeper grunts emanated as the blue tip pushed farther, showing a fin. A pair of small arms reached upwards to grasp the edges of the egg.

You tend to write in short sentence, which makes the description seem a bit chunky. 'The drippings landed heavily on the grass below.' 'A pair of small arms reached upwards to grasp the edges of the egg.' 'Etc.'

It's not wrong, but it would just flow better if you tried combining them. For instance, you could say: "The drippings landed heavily on the grass below as the blue tip pushed farther, showing a fin. A pair of small arms reached upwards, grunts reaching Luce's airs, and grabbed the edges of the egg."

“Gible, Land Shark Pokemon. Gible live in warm caves and tunnels, they prefer tropical climates and are a predatory species. They have an average height of 70 centimeters and an average mass of 20 kilograms. Its identification number is 443. It evolves into Gabite and then into Garchomp. It is commonly found in the Sinnoh region,” The phone said loudly in the forest.

Two things. One, 'the' should be lowercased. All words following a comma, in speech, should be lower case. Two, gible are not just commonly found in the Sinnoh region, they're only found in the Sinnoh region. What's an egg doing there? Will you be giving a reason for that, or was it just to give your character a rare pokémon? Because that's what it looks like, with both the eevee and the gible.

He walked further and watched his step as he carefully picked a path through the heavy woods.

Farther. Farther is applied to lenght or distance, whereas further is 'to a greater degree' or 'additionally'.

“I wanted to prove that you didn’t need to leave town to become a decent trainer.”

Thing is, part of becoming a good trainer is also battling a variety of pokémon of varying levels. You don't need to go anywhere for that, but you have to battle trainers to accomplish this.

Hold on, why are you going now? You could have left two years ago when you turned 18.”

He could have left when he was eleven (write out numbers!) because if he doesn't care about his mother's feelings at age eighteen, then why care at age eleven?

His eyes always looked cold. Ever since he fell through two stories of his home when he was renovating it took on a different feel. Semyon had taken a nail the wrong way to the back of his head, and luckily all it did was render him colorblind.

Being colourblind doesn't have a huge effect on how your eyes look, though. Not like people who are blind, where it's very easy to see. Nor do I think a nail to the head can make you colourblind. Also, to make it a bit clearer, I'd put a comma behind 'renovating'.

Ed groaned and Mist picked up on his feelings attempting to nuzzle her master’s cheek.

Comma after 'feelings'. You do this a couple of times, actually. Try reading your sentences out loud and then wherever there's a pause, like with 'feelings' and 'attempting' here, put a comma.

He turns away, laughing inwardly.

Turned. Like before, if you begin in past tense, stick to past tense.

You know he’s out there someplace, I’m going to find where he and bring him out of hiding.

He is, I presume? :)

“Ed, he called me from a pay phone somewhere in Saffron two weeks ago. I have no idea where he is now, and you’re not looking for him. I was against this from the very start.”

Someone who has no intention of letting Ed go wouldn't 'casually' mention the place from where the one they're looking for last called. That would indicate he wants him to go.

Plus, Ed seems very adamant about going, so what's he doing sending the pokémon to him? It's clear Ed is going to go after him, so why is he helping him when he's against it?

“I promise, I won’t chase after dad.” Ed said, the rush drained from him.

after dad," Ed said.

Comma again, see? :)

-

Overall your biggest problems are speech - there's a comma unless the sentence after it isn't related, plus the word following the comma is lower case - and tense changes. If you start in past, you stay with past.

However, if this pokémon turns out to be another rare pokémon, I'll have to smack you a bit. ;) They have an eevee and a gible that shouldn't even be there, I think that's enough. Gary-Stu qualities are not something you want for your character.

Good luck on chapter three!
 
Ah, a good sound dissection.

For future reference I mostly enjoy your tearing down of my grammar and such things, as I often miss a few verb tenses and my beta person missed tenses, and my darn Word doesn't differentiate.

I'll be giving a reason for the Gible, just wait and hold your horses, it's not a case of my just giving rare and random pokemon to people, there is something going on. Unfortunately it won't be divulged until much later on. But don't worry, there's a reason for it.

Furthermore, nail to the back of the head can result in color-blindness. A friend of my Uncle had the exact same problem, he was renovating his house and fell through the floorboards. After he got out of the hospital I did see the change in his eyes. Normally people are drawn to color and vibrancy, but when the world is shades of gray it's less interesting and sight is less of a joy and the eyes reflect that. It's hard to say exactly what the differences are, but trust me, when it happens to somebody you've known for a long time, the difference is obvious.

Also, don't worry about Ed's next pokemon, it's a pretty common one.
 
Zee said:
Furthermore, nail to the back of the head can result in color-blindness. A friend of my Uncle had the exact same problem, he was renovating his house and fell through the floorboards. After he got out of the hospital I did see the change in his eyes. Normally people are drawn to color and vibrancy, but when the world is shades of gray it's less interesting and sight is less of a joy and the eyes reflect that. It's hard to say exactly what the differences are, but trust me, when it happens to somebody you've known for a long time, the difference is obvious.

I think it's awesome that you are making personal connections in your writing. I think it makes it way more "better." And sorry about your Uncle....

Silawen said:
They have an eevee and a gible that shouldn't even be there, I think that's enough. Gary-Stu qualities are not something you want for your character.

I'd just like to comment on this.... Eevee is a common starter in stories when people are jus beginning their journies. Plus, he could've got it as an Egg, so that doesn't make it more "rare." And Ed got it from his father's Jolteon, so it isn't too rare. I also wouldn't consider a Gible "rare." It is weird that he got the Egg in Ilex Forest, but if you're going to explain, I hope it make sense!

Can't wait for the next chapter.
 
Ah, a good sound dissection.

For future reference I mostly enjoy your tearing down of my grammar and such things, as I often miss a few verb tenses and my beta person missed tenses, and my darn Word doesn't differentiate.

Okay, that's fine. I don't just review grammar, though, so you'll have to suffer questions regarding canon, description, plot and logic as well. ;)

I'll be giving a reason for the Gible, just wait and hold your horses, it's not a case of my just giving rare and random pokemon to people, there is something going on. Unfortunately it won't be divulged until much later on. But don't worry, there's a reason for it.

Hmm, alright. Would that then also explain why the gible was there? And would this be a reason that makes sense in their world, or a reason given by you to explain why he has it? (For instance, some people explain their character having a legendary by saying there's a prophecy, but that doesn't explain why that legendary was where they found it in the first place.)

Furthermore, nail to the back of the head can result in color-blindness. A friend of my Uncle had the exact same problem, he was renovating his house and fell through the floorboards. After he got out of the hospital I did see the change in his eyes. Normally people are drawn to color and vibrancy, but when the world is shades of gray it's less interesting and sight is less of a joy and the eyes reflect that. It's hard to say exactly what the differences are, but trust me, when it happens to somebody you've known for a long time, the difference is obvious.

Ah, okay. I've never actually heard of that, but I'll take your word for it. ^^

Also, don't worry about Ed's next pokemon, it's a pretty common one.

*grins* Good.

Burrado_Aipom:

I'd just like to comment on this.... Eevee is a common starter in stories when people are jus beginning their journies. Plus, he could've got it as an Egg, so that doesn't make it more "rare." And Ed got it from his father's Jolteon, so it isn't too rare. I also wouldn't consider a Gible "rare." It is weird that he got the Egg in Ilex Forest, but if you're going to explain, I hope it make sense!

Thing is, though, what people do in stories doesn't reflect on canon. Common things happening in fanfiction is called 'fanon', whereas the original facts and truths are 'canon'. It's like saying because a lot of the pokémon fanfic writers use characters who have some sort of legendary following them that they exist in canon as well. They don't. There are no characters towing around legendaries.

Eevee are rare. They are described as such. Both in anime and the game they are shown to be used by specialised people only. Heck, in the game there's often only one of them, or eevee's evolutions are carried by just one family. What the fandom does shouldn't reflect on the canon. Oh, and getting it as an egg is just as unlikely as getting one out of the egg.

Yes, the father's jolteon explains it a bit better, but it's still a rare starter. Same goes for gible, who are classified as 'rare' as well. Their evolution is considered a semi-legendary of sorts, and are a rare Dragon/Ground mix. Also, there is only one place they exist, which is the Wayward Cave, and even there they're considered 'rare'. Which makes gible a rare pokémon not found in Ilex Forest.
 
Yea, you're right Sliawen, Eevee does usually pertain to families only, and it does in this too. Now I do understand about Gigle being "rare" cause I forgot about it only being able to be caught in the Ilex Forest. Hopefully Zee explains this well enough in the Fic. I'm confused about the whole canon thing.... what is it? What is a canon!?!?! I never really knew what it was exactly.
 
Author's Notes : I've been much more careful with my tenses, but I also tried to aim for longer of a chapter and to develop the relationships between characters. At this time I'm going to start a list of people to send messages for when the next chapters come up. I will try to from now on update once a week with 6~10 pages on average.


Chapter Three

“So what do I feed it,” Ed heard, his eyes still closed and did they feel heavy. He groaned and pulled the blanket over his shoulder. He held still a moment and let that process. He hadn’t gone to sleep with a blanket over him, so he slowly opens his eyes to see where he was. The bright light blinded him for a moment as he saw those Hazel eyes again. He shook his head as if to remove the sight a la etch-a-sketch.

His fingertips felt the soft blanket, and once his eyes focused he saw the blanket to be actually a quilt. It was very nice, a soft fabric and ornamented in a checkerboard pattern of pokeball designs and pokemon. Ed felt an odd sense of comfort. But he looked around, curious of where the blanket came from. He looked over to where Luce had been laying, and noticed nothing. Had Luce left already? But to where?

But his sleep-slowed brain caught up with him and commanded him to turn to the booth. And there he saw Luce, with Baby on the counter, talking to the nurse girl who was petting Mist. “Oh you can feed it some pokemon chow. I’ve got some in the back specially blended for dragon types. Oh, and uhm, your friend is awake now.” The pink-haired nurse said, and gave a friendly wave and smile in Ed’s direction.

Ed struggled to raise an arm, and waved back. Thud. He winced as pain shot up his wrist. Something about clocking it into the video phone booth was probably not a good idea. He grabbed his wrist as the pain faded and Pink-Hair left into the back room. Ed groaned as he sat up a felt that stiffness in his spine and neck. So, with the nerves in his wrist going absolutely wild, he stood up, holding the blanket with his bad hand. He arches back as the fabric of his shirt clung to his chest because the fabric had twisted around his armpits. A further stretch and his spine popped like sickly bubble wrap and he twisted his head in a nasty fashion to pop his neck as well.

He started to fold the quilt as the girl came back, with a bowl in each hand. One bowl was larger and more heavily loaded with brown chunks of pokemon chow, and the other was more dainty and filled with smaller sized chunks of the stuff. She laid one down for Baby and the other for Mist. Ed smiled at her for feeding them and he finished folding the quilt. He smoothed out his wrinkled clothes and picked up the backpack from under the couch he’d crashed on. Walking over to the counter to greet everybody, he handed the blanket to the girl. He had already deduced it was hers since he knew neither he nor Luce owned one.

“Thanks Ed.” The girl had known his name already? Ed blinked a bit, and started to comb his bright red hair down into a more reserved style then ‘cow-lick morning’.

“How did you know my name,” he inquired, his eyes still half open. But he did dart his eyes to the girls face to see her. Her features were nicely proportioned and her face was very pretty. And those blue eyes seemed intent and focused.

“Luce and I got to talking. But where are my manners, my name is Imani.” She held out a dainty hand. As Ed took it he noticed the contrasted in skin tones. He was quite pale and she was nicely tanned.

“Pleased to meet you, it seems Mist is already enjoying your company.” Mist was in fact rubbing against Imani, purring happily. Ed sighed and laughed a bit at his pokemon’s antics. Luce was watching carefully as Baby went to town on his bowl of food. The snarling and growling would’ve been terrifying – for a creature many times Baby’s size. However when you’re scarcely taller than somebody’s knee, you fail to get that nice deep rumble needed for fear.

“Hey man, do you think you’ll go anywhere? I think I want to go buy some of this pokemon chow stuff. I’ve got to start thinking like a mother – and” Luce started, almost going into full gear-strange mode. Ed really didn’t want to deal with that right when he woke up.

“I think you mean father, man.” Ed corrected, and looked around, and reaching into his backpack for one of his numerous drinks. He removed a large coffee drink that boiled itself, one of his favorites. He sets it upside down on the counter, and jams his thumb into the bottom, popping the quicklime seal. Imani seemed to watch closely, having never seen a self-heating container before.

“Er – yeah, I mean father. And I was going to check out the town, give you your cranky time, heh.” Luce moved over to Imani and took her aside. “He’s kind of a jerk in the morning, before he has his coffee in him anyhow.” Ed laughed a bit and looked around for his pokemon.

With Mist sleeping on the counter, Ed shrugged and waited for his drink to heat up. “Ah, Luce, you are too kind, spouting off my morning habits to pretty young ladies,” he gave Imani a wink. “Yeah, I’ll stay here. I suppose and plan my next move. Where do you think you’ll go?” Before Luce could answer Imani chimed in, holding Baby affectionately.

“There’s a great place on the other side of town, great deals on pokemon chow. I think your pokemon would love a squeaky toy too for when the rest of his fangs come in.” she said, passing the infant creature to Luce’s parental hold. “Oh, trust me, teething pokemon are a PAIN, I’ve got a mark when my Meowth bit me.” She pushed up the long white sleeve of her left arm and showed a faded half-circle of bite marks.

Ed peered over, “Grisly bite for a Meowth, I’d say.” He put his hand on his coffee drink and felt the heat inside. His impatience got the better of him as he flipped it over and rotated the plastic top. Imani had taken out some paper and was writing down an address. After a few moments of scribbling she handed it to Luce.

Taking the paper, Luce commented, “You know, I have a doctor who’s got just the same handwriting.” Imani playfully smacked Luce’s arm. “Hey, cut that out, I’m kidding, sheesh.” Luce was laughing as he headed for the door with Baby fussing. “OUCH! Ok, ok, I’ll get you a chew toy, just don’t use me for one,” he cried out, opening the door. He turned the corner outside and was soon out of sight.

As Ed turned back to face Imani, she was about four millimeters from Ed’s face. He gulped as her azure eyes bore into that bubble of space he called personal. “Hello,” he said, thinking it was probably closer to three millimeters actually.

With an accusing tone, “What were you doing last night? Are you some kind of drug dealer? You seem to be, all secretive on the phone like that.”

“Are you on the counter?” Ed looked down a bit to see her kneeling on the counter, with a glare that could freeze steam still watching him.

“Are you a money launderer or something? Part of Team Rocket? Tell me,” the girl cried, clutching his shirt a bit too much.

“Holy crap. I’m just a trainer, had a long night and I had to call my Uncle.” She loosened her grip a bit. A frown hit her face suddenly.

“That’s no fun.” She got off the counter and brushed herself off. “Are you sure you’re not part of Team Rocket?”

“No!” Ed popped the cap on his coffee and sniffed it a bit. It smelt like warm dirt, but it’d wake him up for sure. “And besides, Team Rocket got disbanded like a few years ago, they caught Giovanni and the whole thing fell apart.”

“You could’ve been part of their return to power?” She seemed desperate for him to be something exciting.

“You are just a very bored nurse, aren’t you? No, the world isn’t so interesting,” He took a sip and savored the bitter taste of mud. His eyes opened slowly and he gulped down the mouthful and took another sip.

“Well, what about this stuff I heard about your father’s business?” Ed’s eyes flashed open, and he gagged a bit. Coughing loudly, Ed set down his coffee. “I mean it sounds like he’s a gang boss or something.”

“My dad?” He fell silent and thought a moment. “My father isn’t anybody. And he’s dead now anyways, like that makes him special or anything. Lots of people are dead.” He took another drink. Mist had crawled over to Ed, and nudged him a bit. He reached down for her pokeball and set it on the counter. Mist bumped her nose into the button of the pokeball and returned into it, probably to keep sleeping where there weren’t hostile accusations.

“Dang, that sucks. My dad only abandoned me.” Imani headed back to the back room of the pokemon center. “That sucks worse than him being dead, knowing he didn’t want me.” Ed looked down, and sighed a bit. Right to the heart, that felt. “Hey, if you’re hungry I’ve got some rice and lunchmeat back here.”

Ed looked up, and smiled. “Sure, that doesn’t sound too bad about now.” He picked up the pokeball Mist had retreated into and put it back onto his belt. He jumped over the counter and sauntered into the back room. She seemed interesting to Ed, and he wanted to find out a few things. He smirked to himself as his fingers grazed across his second pokeball on his belt.

“So, what do you know about the gym around here?” Ed gazed at the back room. A kitchen was tucked away back in a room the size of a dorm. The dining table was small enough to be envious of bedside tables, and the chairs seemed to moonlight as wireframe models. Imani was as the counter shutting a rice cooker. She turned back with a small bowl of rice and a sandwich. She bobbed her head in the counter’s direction.

“Make yourself a sammich.” Ed snickered a bit at her word, but proceeded to do so. Turkey and Mustard were out, and that was good enough for Ed. He grabbed a nearby bag of bread, and started to apply some mustard to a slice. “And as for the Gym, I know it’s too high-profile to be missed. Jean-Don does his part to keep it interesting, and his band.” Ed made his ‘sammich’ while she spoke.

Ed turned back to her, chewing his lunch. He swallowed hard before he spoke. “Jean-Don? I thought it was Whitney.” She swung around, her back popped a bit and Ed blinked in slight surprise. She gave him this weird look as if he had said something hilarious.

“Whitney left like six years ago, get with the times old man.” She laughed at her own wit.

“Well, my mistake whippersnapper,” he shot back, “Tell me about Jean-Don”. He took a bigger bite of his sandwich, enjoying the fact he had gotten into a conversation with a total stranger. Ah the life of a trainer.

“He’s pretty dreamy, ya know? I think he’s been on the top ten charts for a few months, but he was the leader since Whitney left. He’s pretty flashy and stuff, but heck, even if you lose it’s pretty interesting because you get some real good entertainment.” She turned back to her food, eating quietly. Ed polished off his sandwich as he looked around the room.

“Ah, I won’t lose.” Ed was confident, he had a secret weapon. He held up his pokeball. “My uncle sent this along last night, seeing as how I’m fighting the gyms now.” He tried to spin the pokeball on the tip of his finger but as most attempts to impress went, so did that one. The golf ball sized device spun for maybe half revolution, his finger caught the button and fell off his finger. It hit the floor and bounced loudly, flying open.

“Yeah that was real smooth,” she teased, “and I’m sure it’ll go – AHHHH!” She leapt up, as a sinister face had materialized in front of her. She was standing on her chair. But as she lost balance Ed tried to leap forward to catch her. They say bad things happen in threes, well, Ed was two for two at this point. After all the crashing and collisions as bowls hit the floor and Ed became quite familiar with linoleum. Imani was ok, if not for the fact that Ed both slowed her fall AND given her something to land on.

Ed took a moment to take in the moment, his heart was pounding and his mind was rampant. About as soon as he got his bearings he realized a shooting pain in his leg. “Augh, are these chairs made of LEAD or something?!” Ed was yelling, and Imani jumped up off of Ed. She took the chair off and Ed worked his way to his feet. The room was a mess and rice was everywhere.

“What was that,” Imani drew breaths between words, her heart must have been racing too. Something about shock and sudden uptakes of gravity tended to flare a person’s adrenaline. “Where did it go?”

Ed grumbled and worked his way to the far wall, near the door and flipped a light switch off. The room was considerably dark due to not having a window, and only light from the other room flooded in.“’It’ is a ‘he’, and he never left. He just doesn’t like the light.” He turned back to her as deep purple smog flowed back into shape, a perfect sphere of black condensed from thin air and bright yellow eyes opened. “Imani, this is my new Gastly.” It looked over at Ed and bared fangs.

“It doesn’t look too safe to have around here.” Imani said, starting to sweep up the rice back into the bowl it fell from.”I’ve heard they’re terrible pranksters.”

The Gastly rushed forward at Ed. Ed swung out his right arm and the ghost pokemon bit down hard. Ed started to cry out in surprise and pain. “I remember what my dad told me when I first saw his Jolteon. He told me not to show fear, because pokemon pick up on your emotions.” Ed cringed, and the Gastly shredded at his forearm. The fangs weren’t very sharp, but it was making a royal mess of his jacket. He leaned forward and stared the Gastly right in the eyes. “I am not afraid of you. Do you understand that?”

Imani was looking onward at the conflict, holding her breath. The air reeked of a noxious smell, something like chlorine or ammonia. It was strong. As Imani swept she found a whistle next to the open pokeball, with a piece of paper attached. “Hey, uh, I think this came with it.” She held up the whistle in the light from the other room. As Ed saw that he stepped back.

He looked right at the black ball of gas on his arm, gnawing fervently. He grinned evilly. “Alright, let go or I’ll step into the light.” Gastly seemed to understand the threat and let go gently. He glared at Ed, seemingly annoyed. Ed points a finger at the pokemon as he walked over to Imani. She handed him the whistle and Ed read the note attached. “It says ‘Ghost Whistle, blow into it to emit a tune only Ghost pokemon can hear. ‘ Well that…. That’ll be helpful in training him.”

“How do you know it’s a ‘him’?” Imani asked. She stepped forward, careful to stay in the light as she looked at the floating creature. She seemed to investigate Gastly.

“Well, Semyon told me but there’s no doubt.” Ed said proudly, he looked over the whistle. It was crafted from some sort of bone or similar. Crafted into it were all sorts of twisted faces and etchings of runes. It looked clean, and there was even a loop if he wanted to make it into a necklace. He held it up to the Gastly to see if it reacted to the object at all. Those large expressive eyes shrunk and it seemed to lower, hiding from the small instrument.

“Please, explain, I must just be missing something.” Imani was still on the tangent of gender. “Maybe he is a she?” Gastly rose high and darted after Imani at that statement, fangs bared and mouth open clearly about to bite her. The purple fog rose high and the stink grew intense.

Ed for once getting lucky with his reflexes instinctively knew what to do. He jammed the whistle into his mouth, pursed his lips and blew into it intensely. The reaction was severe. Gastly broke off his attack and exploded in a puff of smog. The air cleared and smoothed out into a uniformly uncomfortable smell.

“Oh ick,” Imani whined and held her nose. “I guess it really doesn’t like that.”

“You mean ‘he’ didn’t like that. I’m going to call him Odium.” He saw the air slowly condense into this rolling smog again. “Your name is Odium, understood?” he blew his whistle lightly and the black sphere reformed as the smog collected. He rose to Ed, face to face with him. “Odium, I want to see what you can do. Show me.” Ed stood out for him, his chest puffed out. Imani had her back to the door frame of the exit of the room, not wanting the ghost pokemon to rush after her again.

Odium seemed to furrow his brow, if you could call it that, in thought. After a moment it started to bob and weave in the air. The air filled with eerie music, like wind chimes on a long forgotten house in a barren countryside. Ed’s eyes drooped a bit and he chuckled softly to himself. Imani leaned against the wall more and stretched out. Ed caught himself and smacked his forehead.

“Ok… wow… hypnosis, that’s a nice one. What else have you got?” Ed asked the pokemon directly. Odium swayed in the air, thinking again. He slithered forward in the air and licked Ed’s cheek. Ed groaned and brought his hand to his cheek, feeling that thick slime. “Ok, you can lick things too. That’s just kind of nasty. Do you have anything more… potent?”

Odium pouted and shakes his head. Ed sighed and walks over to the pokeball to pick it up. He heard snoring, and saw Imani over against the wall. She had fallen asleep and about a yard in front of her floated Odium. “You really hate the light, don’t you,” Ed inquired. The ghost simply groaned silently. Ed raised the pokeball before him and the pokeball’s laser struck the gaseous apparition. With the pokeball shrunk down to size, he set it against his belt.

Imani dozed gently, and Ed knelt down. He gave her cheek a pat and sighed. “Out like a log.” Ed picked her up, gently and carefully carried her into main Lobby. He laid her down gently and looked at her for a moment. She looked peaceful. She must have been tired before she crashed to sleep.

He walked back to the counter and stretched out a bit. He sat on the counter and spun around, getting off behind it. Next to him was a machine to heal pokemon fully, and also a reference book for common pokemon ailments. Ed stretched and groaned pleasantly, wondering when Luce would return. But looking at the clock, it showed only a half hour had passed since he left. Letting loose a groan he stood there, watching the door.

A dark figure stepped to the door. At first Ed thought it was Luce, and he stood erect. But Ed was wrong, and how wrong he was. The man that entered wore a very nice red trench coat, pressed black pants and a very bright red fedora. He walked with a straight black cane that clicked and clacked on the floors. Ed darted his eyes to the man’s face. He had thin pink lips and a pale complexion, black as tar hair and sunglasses that reflected Ed’s own face in them.

“Edward Malkovai,” inquired a booming voice. It was hard to see such a wiry man as booming but Ed’s poor brain made the connection. Ed only managed to nod slightly. The man crooked a smile on the left side of his lips. “Good, that makes the rest of this pan out so nicely…”

Off In the distance Ed would have sworn he heard a police siren.

End of Chapter Three

Thanks for reading folks, I'm often curious how many people read this, so please don't be shy and remember, I'm starting a PM list, so simply post with your request to be PMed when the chapter is finished.
 
Hey, not trying to get around the bumping rules but do I need a higher post count or something to change a title, or how does that work? I want to add in a PG-13 warning or [if the moderators approve it] and R rating, as the content that comes up in the next few chapters warrant an intense rating. I tried to edit it and there's no way to change the title that I could find. I would like to know if I may have an R rating or if I'll have to tone things down in my next chapter.

Again, I'm sorry if this breaks any rules or something, but I'm getting close to finishing chapter four and it occurred to me my content might be a bit too strong.
 
Hey, not trying to get around the bumping rules but do I need a higher post count or something to change a title, or how does that work? I want to add in a PG-13 warning or [if the moderators approve it] and R rating, as the content that comes up in the next few chapters warrant an intense rating. I tried to edit it and there's no way to change the title that I could find. I would like to know if I may have an R rating or if I'll have to tone things down in my next chapter.

Again, I'm sorry if this breaks any rules or something, but I'm getting close to finishing chapter four and it occurred to me my content might be a bit too strong.
 
You could've PMed someone to ask, but I can tell ya: All you need to do is PM a Fan Fic mod with a link to your Fic and ask to change the title to whatever you want. I think there is a thread somewhere....

I'll read the current chapter when I can...
 
M'kay, sorry for taking so long to get here. =P Gonna try to write from the state of mind I was in when I first read chapter 3, since it was posted before I had read it.


There's less verb tense errors with each passing chapter, which is good. The best thing I can really think of to say with regards to this is just when in doubt, go with past tense. More often then not, it'll be correct, as there aren't too many cases I can think of where present is used in past-tense prose. (The only instance I can think of right now is 'general' statements about something that is fact, which sometimes can be put in present tense, as opposed to 'occurring' statements when someone does something, although description is still past tense in this case.)
“Edward Malkovai,” inquired a booming voice. It was hard to see such a wiry man as booming but Ed’s poor brain made the connection. Ed only managed to nod slightly. The man crooked a smile on the left side of his lips. “Good, that makes the rest of this pan out so nicely…”

Off In the distance Ed would have sworn he heard a police siren.
I have a VERY bad habit of reading the last line of chapters first whenever reading something posted (what I mean is, I didn't do it while I was going over your files on Word), so seeing that just got me even more excited to read the chapter. xP


Anyway, I loved the part when Luce left and Imani immediately got on Ed's case about Team Rocket and various other things. xD
“Well, my mistake whippersnapper,” he shot back, “Tell me about Jean-Don”. He took a bigger bite of his sandwich, enjoying the fact he had gotten into a conversation with a total stranger. Ah the life of a trainer.

“He’s pretty dreamy, ya know? I think he’s been on the top ten charts for a few months, but he was the leader since Whitney left. He’s pretty flashy and stuff, but heck, even if you lose it’s pretty interesting because you get some real good entertainment.” She turned back to her food, eating quietly. Ed polished off his sandwich as he looked around the room.
Sounds interesting--now I see what ya meant about taking creative license with the Goldenrod Gym.
“You mean ‘he’ didn’t like that. I’m going to call him Odium.” He saw the air slowly condense into this rolling smog again. “Your name is Odium, understood?” he blew his whistle lightly and the black sphere reformed as the smog collected. He rose to Ed, face to face with him. “Odium, I want to see what you can do. Show me.” Ed stood out for him, his chest puffed out. Imani had her back to the door frame of the exit of the room, not wanting the ghost pokemon to rush after her again.

Odium seemed to furrow his brow, if you could call it that, in thought. After a moment it started to bob and weave in the air. The air filled with eerie music, like wind chimes on a long forgotten house in a barren countryside. Ed’s eyes drooped a bit and he chuckled softly to himself. Imani leaned against the wall more and stretched out. Ed caught himself and smacked his forehead.
Heh, that whole scene with the rice flying everywhere and Odium being introduced was cue--sometimes it's the simplest scenes of character interaction that go the furthest towards development.


Aaand, as has been said, last chapter already started to lay out the plot and show how the story was taking on its own direction, and the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter sort of reminded the reader of that, in a chappie that was mostly about character development.


Oh hey, and I saw ya got a banner. Yay for advertisement. x3

~Chibi~;249;;448;
 
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