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The Game

Golden

2010
The Game​

"Most of us are pawns in a game we don't understand."​


Hola. I hope you enjoy reading my fan fic. This fan fic is rated PG-13, because of slight swearing and dark themes later on in the story. If you would like to be on the PM list, you can tell me in your post here or you can VM me. I will also be making a chapter list once I post more chapters, but that may take a while because I'm busy with school and life. I appreciate all criticism and critique that I am given.

PM List
ben_pokemon

Prologue​

It was a cold winter night in Celadon City, the city of rainbow dreams. A gentle snowfall covered the bare trees and smothered the few, dainty flowers that were still alive despite the chilly weather. From skyscrapers to small, modest houses, each building in the city had a beautiful veil of pure, white snow. The wind was whistling, and the older children were outside having snowball fights. But eventually, the cold weather pushed them inside and they relaxed with their family in front of warm, toasty fires. Marshmallows were roasted. Hot chocolate was guzzled down from glasses. And, friendships were made among neighboring families. As the peaceful night rolled on in Celadon City, it got quieter and calmer. Except in my house, of course, there was nothing serene happening here.

“So, you’re telling me that you’re going to search for that legend of a Pokemon again!? And you don’t know when you’re coming back!” I could hear mommy shout at daddy from another room.

“I told you I’ll be back in a month or two, woman!” daddy raised his voice for the first time in their argument.

There was a petrifying silence and no one spoke. Curious of what was happening, I slowly opened my bedroom door that I was hiding behind, for fear of the shouting, and peeped through. Mommy stood between daddy and the front door. She stood resolute with a look on her face that could scare a Ghastly. Daddy seemed nervous. Scratching his neck, he finally spoke.

“Honey, let’s not make a big deal out of nothing and wake up the boy.”

“The boy? He’s your child, Arthur! Your son! And, I am not making a big deal out of nothing. You would never understand what it’s like to be married to someone who leaves constantly.”

Daddy drew closer to mommy and tried to hug her, but she only pushed him away.

“No,” mommy told him, “you don’t understand. Leave if you want, but don’t be surprised when I lock the doors on you.”

Again, there was the calm before the storm, where no one spoke. Then, there was the storm -- the shouting, the arguing, and the crying.

I couldn’t take it so I shut my door and hid under the cozy covers of my bed. Taking the new book that daddy bought for me, I flipped through the pages and glanced at all the pictures.

There were pictures of a wolf. A blue wolf, with a purple cape and white spots. Oh, and in every picture of the wolf there were gusts of wind that followed it.

The wolf looked... mystical. It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Looking at the caption under one of the pictures, I tried to sound it out.

“Sui-”

Pausing, I looked at the word again before I sounded it out once more.

“Suicune,” I stuttered, smiling as I looked from the caption to the picture of the wolf.

Yawning, I began to slowly fall asleep while repeating the word over again in my head.
 
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Okay let's see what we got!

It was a cold winter night in Celadon City, the city of rainbow dreams. A gentle snowfall covered the bare trees and smothered the few, dainty flowers that were still alive despite the chilly weather. From skyscrapers to small, modest houses, each building in the city had a beautiful veil of pure, white snow. The wind was whistling, and the older children were outside having snowball fights. But eventually, the cold weather pushed them inside and they relaxed with their family in front of warm, toasty fires. Marshmallows were roasted. Hot chocolate was guzzled down from glasses. And, friendships were made among neighboring families. As the peaceful night rolled on in Celadon City, it got quieter and calmer. Except in my house, of course, there was nothing serene happening here.

First off this whole paragraph seems rushed. You described the snow more than the people.

like you said the older kids were having a snow ball fight, then waht were the younger kids doing? if you weren't going to say then why not just leave out the part of thier age?


Also you said that "And friendships were made," first off its not good to start a sentance with "and." Friendships were made? so this day above all others made about a dozen friends instead of yesterday? wouldn't it be better to say something more belivable like old friends talked and chated next to the fire or something?

also it would be better if you didn't do the story in first person, just a personal preferance.

Again, there was the calm before the storm, where no one spoke. Then, there was the storm -- the shouting, the arguing, and the crying.

you might want to give a litte more time in between the "Calm before the Storm"

well it was an interesting story line besides that, just add a little more detail to it.
 
Thanks for your review, #1 ***** fan.

First off this whole paragraph seems rushed. You described the snow more than the people.
The only people that matter in this prologue are Eusine, his mother, and his father. I didn't describe the people because they have no role in the scene besides being there. In fact, they have no role at all on this entire fic. I was just describing them with the scene. I described the snow more than the people because Eusine, who was only a child at this time, was more interested in the snow. Also, the snow was a larger factor of the scene than the people.

like you said the older kids were having a snow ball fight, then waht were the younger kids doing? if you weren't going to say then why not just leave out the part of thier age?
Again, the children had no part in the story, besides being described with the scene. But, basically I stated the children as older because it was later at night, and the younger children were in their homes with their parents. It was implied.

Also you said that "And friendships were made," first off its not good to start a sentance with "and." Friendships were made? so this day above all others made about a dozen friends instead of yesterday? wouldn't it be better to say something more belivable like old friends talked and chated next to the fire or something?
It isn't good to start a sentence with "and" when you are a beginner writer. More experienced writers start sentences with "and", most of the time for dramatic effect or because of their writing style. I am not a beginner, and with my writing style I start sentences with "and" often.

also it would be better if you didn't do the story in first person, just a personal preferance.
...

Do you honestly believe I will take this advice to heart from someone who has little experience and sloppy grammar? You have absolutely nothing to prove this point of why I shouldn't write in first person. I could care less about your random opinion if you don't support it. And, for your information, I have always written in first person and will always continue writing in first person.
 
Aren’t you fic writers just gracious!

You're "professionalism" shows through with you short sloppily written prologue that seems to show that you are not in fact a J.K. Rowling, and the fact that you might suggest that you are a professional just puts you lower.

Do you honestly believe I will take this advice to heart from someone who has little experience and sloppy grammar? You have absolutely nothing to prove this point of why I shouldn't write in first person. I could care less about your random opinion if you don't support it. And, for your information, I have always written in first person and will always continue writing in first person.

Why I even take my time with you I don't know! First person doesn't sound good when not written by a "professional" and you certainly are not one!

Again, the children had no part in the story, besides being described with the scene. But, basically I stated the children as older because it was later at night, and the younger children were in their homes with their parents. It was implied.

You really need to take more time on this instead of making it just sound like you wrote it in fifteen minuets.
 
Aren’t you fic writers just gracious!

You're "professionalism" shows through with you short sloppily written prologue that seems to show that you are not in fact a J.K. Rowling, and the fact that you might suggest that you are a professional just puts you lower.
Wow. I never said I was a professional writer nor did I suggest it. All I said was that I wasn't a beginner, and how was it sloppily written? You just made general statements that made no sense without even properly backing them up with proof or how I could have done better. Also, I was assuming that you were a beginner because you replied to my fic with a disregard for grammar and spelling. I am now sure of it after I took a look at your old fics, which had incorrect grammar, spaced weirdly, and broke rules. So stop acting as if I should be graced with your "heavenly advice".

Why I even take my time with you I don't know! First person doesn't sound good when not written by a "professional" and you certainly are not one!
...

That is the stupidest assumption I have ever heard.

Why do I even take my time trying to have an adult conversation with a noob who disregards grammar and spelling, and then acts as if they're better than me. You're critique was worthless. Actually, I wouldn't even call it critique. It was more like mind-less opinions that made no sense from a child.

Lastly, I'm not going to take "advice" from someone who doesn't even try to spell the word "what" correctly or is too lazy to capitalize a single letter.
 
“Honey, let’s not make a bid deal out of nothing and wake up the boy."
big

“No.” mommy told him. “You don’t understand. Leave if you want, but don’t be surprised when I lock the doors on you.”
Should be a comma.

Taking a new book that daddy bought for me, I flipped through the pages and glanced at all the pictures.
"the" sounds better than "a".

“Suicune.” I stuttered, smiling as I looked from the caption to the picture of the wolf.
should be a comma once again...


Personally, I thought that most of your sentences were too short (I think you could've connected several of them, as the abruptness seemed to disturb the flow). I know it's a prologue, but I think that you could've expanded more upon the argument/conflict (in terms of dialogue at least) between the kid's parents.

Nevertheless, it's interesting. I'm gonna go ahead and take a stab at the main character (Eusine when he was a kid? amirite?:P ).

I'll keep on reading and see where this story goes, Suicune fics ftw.

EDIT: Btw, what's a Suicune doing in Celadon City? O:

Good luck,

Divinity_123
 
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Thank you for the great review, Divinity_123!

Nevertheless, it's interesting. I'm gonna go ahead and take a stab at the main character (Eusine when he was a kid? amirite?:P ).
Yep XP. That's why I wrote his parents as "mommy" and "daddy", and had him look at Suicune in the picture book. I was trying to be subtle, so I didn't list his age or even his name. And, Suicune hasn't appeared yet. But, at one time in this fic, he will be in Celadon City. Thanks once again for the critique!
 
Hey there! Time for a review. ;) This is all personal opinion, so take it whatever way you want.

~

It was a cold winter's night in Celadon City, the city of rainbow dreams.

I would say 'winter's night' here, but that's personal preference. I just think it sounds better.

A gentle snowfall had covered the bare trees and smothered the few, dainty flowers that were still alive despite the chilly weather.

The snowfall itself isn't covering the trees, really. It's the resulting pack of snow that's doing the covering, so I think adding in 'had' works better.

From skyscrapers to small, modest houses, each building in the city had a beautiful veil of pure, white snow.

It's the second sentence and I'm already noticing a pattern. You have a fondness for adding in two descriptors before getting to the noun itself. "Small, modest", and "Pure, white" being two examples, but there are others.

Try to vary this. Constantly repeating similar word patterns gets annoying and makes the sentence sound cluttered sometimes. Not everything needs several things describing it. We know the snow is white, so just saying 'pure' would probably do the trick. ^^

The wind was whistling, and the older children were outside having snowball fights, but eventually the cold weather pushed them inside and they relaxed with their families in front of warm, toasty fires.

I would suggest combining the two sentences, if you really want to keep the basic sentence structure like this. Yes, it turns into a very long sentence, but having sentences with 'but' like that reads awkwardly. While it's certainly possible to start sentences with 'and', it's a bit trickier to start them with 'but'. It can work, but I don't think it does here. The cold weather pushing them inside and them playing outside to begin with is too connected to have it be two separate sentences, I think.

Marshmallows were roasted, hot chocolate was guzzled down from glasses, and friendships were made among neighboring families.

Same here. While 'and' is perfectly fine as an opening word in fiction, here I don't think it works. Because you're listing what they're doing, I think the sentence works better as a whole. They're not all separate subjects, they belong together.

Curious about what was happening, I slowly opened the bedroom door that I was hiding behind - for fear of the shouting - and peeped through.

About sounds better to me than 'of'. Also, because you're pointing out a specific door by saying '(the one) I was hiding behind' you should probably use 'the' instead. It's that particular door.

With the amount of commas in that sentence, I think it'd be best to use hyphens at one point so it doesn't get too confusing. ^^

And I am not making a big deal out of nothing.

The comma seems superfluous here. There is no pause anyway.

Again, there was the calm before the storm, where no one spoke. Then, there was the storm -- the shouting, the arguing, and the crying.

I'm a bit confused at this fragment. They fought, then there was a calm again before they fight once more? I think it'd fit better before you get to him seeing his parents. Mention it when he's just heard the screaming, so we know that this is a repeating affair.

Taking the new book that daddy had bought for me, I flipped through the pages and glanced at all the pictures.

This is a case of past perfect. (He's glancing at it in the past and remembering something that happened before that.) Thus it needs 'had' in there. :)

Yawning, I began to slowly fall asleep while repeating the word over and over again in my head.

I don't think you repeat the word 'over again' I think you repeat it 'over and over again'. ^^ Either way, I think this sounds better as well.

~

All in all, this is a nice little introduction to the character. You have a nice scene, complete with backstory and incentive for the character to leave. The only thing I'm missing is description. You have some very nice images of the town they're in when you start, but once you get to the talking it almost completely disappear. It's a winter's night and probably cold and/or bleak in the house. Use things like that to illustrate what the boy is going through.

I mean, it can't be easy for a boy to watch his parents fight, so you could mention the biting cold, or whatever, as a metaphor for how he felt. At least describe things a bit more - for example, the inside of the house, his room, what his parents look like, anything - so we have a feeling for the place. Making things seem like a picture instead of mere words makes it easier for readers to feel engaged.

Good luck!
 
If I may intrude ...

More experienced writers start sentences with "and", most of the time for dramatic effect or because of their writing style. I am not a beginner, and with my writing style I start sentences with "and" often.
Starting a sentence with a conjunction is, like you said, to put certain emphasis on things ("dramatic effect"). It gives the sense that it's still linked to the sentence before it, but you still want to have the effect of a short, punchy sentence.

Looking at the sentence #1 ***** fan was talking about:
Marshmallows were roasted. Hot chocolate was guzzled down from glasses. And, friendships were made among neighboring families.
I really see no reason why you HAD to start a new sentence, let alone start with a conjunction, instead of stringing all of this into a longer compound sentence (since you're listing), nor why you needed a random comma after "and". No, it's not wrong grammatically (well, the one random comma after "and" is), but it seems unnecessary at the same time. Reserve these type of sentences when you're trying to drive a point. The same goes for short, choppy sentences, too. Shorter sentences, especially in the midst of long compound sentences, seem to have more of an impact.

Anyway.

It was a cold winter night in Celadon City, the city of rainbow dreams. A gentle snowfall covered the bare trees and smothered the few, dainty flowers that were still alive despite the chilly weather. From skyscrapers to small, modest houses, each building in the city had a beautiful veil of pure, white snow. The wind was whistling, and the older children were outside having snowball fights. But eventually, the cold weather pushed them inside and they relaxed with their family in front of warm, toasty fires. Marshmallows were roasted. Hot chocolate was guzzled down from glasses. And, friendships were made among neighboring families. As the peaceful night rolled on in Celadon City, it got quieter and calmer. Except in my house, of course, there was nothing serene happening here.
The main problem with this is not that you described the setting more than the people, but the actual structure of it. It's description heavy in one section, then dialogue heavy in another. It's unbalanced.

Basically, you info dumped on us. You never mention the setting again, nor do I really see how the setting plays a role in the actual story because, again, you never mention it after huge chunky introduction paragraph. You're expecting too much from your readers; I, myself, didn't get that because older kids are outside, it's probably much too late for younger kids to be outside, nor do I really get why it matters. o_O

And then there's the fact that Eusine, a young kid in this prologue, is describing the setting. In fact, I thought this was a third-person fic until I read the last sentence. Do you actually think and describe things like that? Especially if you're a kid? And why would you care to describe the buildings/houses if you've lived in the city for awhile? I can get the weather, but ... There really is no personality in your description bits. You flat out tell us without throwing in any bit of Eusine's personality or interpretation of the weather. I know you want to give you prologue some sense of shadowing and formality, so you don't have to go to extreme lengths to bring personality out but ... I don't know. It just didn't feel like I was reading a story from a kid's perspective. Or any perspective really.

From what I could assume, you wanted the weather to mimic the turmoil going inside, or make the peaceful weather ironic to the fighting going inside Eusine's house, right? It'd probably make more of an impact if you used description of the weather during the bits of dialogue. It also give the reader more to read other than ... well, dialogue.

Really, there is no emotion in your piece. You have parents fighting, but you never depict Eusine being afraid. It just ... happens. If Eusine is so used to the fighting that he tunes it out, then you want to establish that via dialogue, narrative, inner thought, or whatever other way there is.

Let's take your introduction again and build from there. I'm not sure how my example is going to turn out as I usually use characters with a more mature mindset, but ... eh:

It was a cold winter night in Celadon City, the city of rainbow dreams. A gentle snowfall covered the bare trees and smothered the few, dainty flowers that were still alive despite the chilly weather. From skyscrapers to small, modest houses, each building in the city had a beautiful veil of pure, white snow. The wind was whistling, and the older children were outside having snowball fights. But eventually, the cold weather pushed them inside and they relaxed with their family in front of warm, toasty fires. Marshmallows were roasted. Hot chocolate was guzzled down from glasses. And, friendships were made among neighboring families. As the peaceful night rolled on in Celadon City, it got quieter and calmer. Except in my house, of course, there was nothing serene happening here.

“So, you’re telling me that you’re going to search for that legend of a Pokemon again!? And you don’t know when you’re coming back!” I could hear mommy shout at daddy from another room.

Ex) Mommy told me I couldn't go outside right now.

"It's too cold, baby," she said earlier, ruffling my hair. I don't like it when she calls me that. Baby. I'm not a baby! I can take care of myself just fine!

There's a shout -- no, two shouts and a whoop, then a smack against my window, then laughter. The older kids get to play outside! Why can't I?

The bed creaks as I peer outside the window, nose pressing against the cold glass, watching as the remains of a snowball drip off my window. Snowflakes are falling outside. They whirl in the air and they sparkle in the light of the streetlight, like diamonds.

I jump back, bed creaking again, and crawl, back arching in, like the beasts my daddy talks about. I am a growlithe. No! An arcanine! No! I'm that ... one thing! That ... um ... that one thing in that book Daddy gave me! Soooie ... something.

My prey: the pillow, and I pounce on it, face meeting cushion, snarling and biting, clawing and kicking, belly rubbing against cotton sheets. I am the fiercest beast alive! Nothing scares me! Not big kids, not monsters, not--

“So, you’re telling me that you’re going to search for that legend of a Pokemon again!? And you don’t know when you’re coming back!” I could hear Mommy shout at Daddy from another room.

My prey becomes my comforter.​

Well, maybe a little too young, but I hope you get what I mean.

I excluded the information about the city as it doesn't really play much part in the story (though you should mention the city name somewhere) and I still think it's awkward for a kid, who lives in the city, to describe the common features of his city.

Actually, now that I read your story over vs. my example, it's rather difficult to write a first person piece in past tense. I know it's possible (though the examples I've read are from characters reflecting on their lives), but I think it'd be easier to write in a present tense if the events are currently happening in front of your character's eyes. But to each his own.

It's not a bad basis. You just need to build upon in and actually apply your character's emotions/thoughts/personality onto the text.
 
Your opening paragraph does not feel like first person. It would work fine in third person, but not in first, and most definitely not in first person from a child's point of view.

What young child would mentally refer to his own hometown as "the city of rainbow dreams"? What young child would use language like "A gentle snowfall covered the bare trees and smothered the few, dainty flowers that were still alive despite the chilly weather"? How does young Eusine know in detail what those older children are going to do when they go inside? That paragraph is so blatantly third-person in both diction and subject that it feels extremely disorienting when it suddenly starts speaking of "my house". In fact, the story can be split into the third-person first paragraph and the first-person remainder, with the writing styles of these two sections having absolutely nothing in common. The first paragraph is flowery, omniscient, mature, descriptive; the rest is simplistic, limited, naïve, barebones, save for a couple of jarringly formal sentences in between. Pick one style and stick with it - and since you're trying to write first person from a child's point of view, the style of the first paragraph simply cannot work. Though to be honest, actually I agree with #1 ***** fan: you really don't seem all that good at first person. The style of the first paragraph flows much better and feels more refined than the rest, and I can't help thinking it's because that's a style that comes much more naturally to you. Perhaps it would work better with Eusine as an adult, when his inner monologue could be forgiven for being somewhat flowery since he seems like that kind of guy, though. :/

“So, you’re telling me that you’re going to search for that legend of a Pokemon again!? And you don’t know when you’re coming back!” I could hear mommy shout at daddy from another room.

“I told you I’ll be back in a month or two, woman!” daddy raised his voice for the first time in their argument.

There was a petrifying silence and no one spoke.
This seems like a mighty odd place for a dramatic silence. Dramatic silences are caused when one person is in too much of a shock to reply immediately and as such should follow dramatic remarks, not a simple declaration of when he will be back which, judging from the "I told you", she already knows anyway. In this context, it sounds more like an "I can't think of anything to say" silence, which is not very petrifying.

A child is not likely to internally describe anything as "a petrifying silence"; again, something that would work great and provide nice imagery in third person, but not in the first-person POV of a child. "No one spoke" is similarly rather too formally worded for a child who still refers to his parents as "Mommy" and "Daddy" (when these are used as names, by the way, as you're doing, they should be capitalized). "There was a petrifying silence and no one spoke" is also redundant; if there was a petrifying silence, it follows that nobody is speaking.

She stood resolute with a look on her face that could scare a Ghastly.
"Resolute" is also a word a child is very unlikely to use internally.

And the Pokémon is called Gastly, not Ghastly. :/ Really, the least you could do is make sure you're spelling Pokémon names right when writing a Pokémon fanfic.

The argument feels rather wooden; I think it's because there is no actual character emotion in it, just one soap opera argument cliché after another. "You're going to leave me behind!" "He's your son, Arthur!" "I'm not making a big deal out of nothing!" "You would never understand!" "Don't try to hug me now!" "Don't be surprised when I lock the doors on you!" The actual personal issues at stake are drowned underneath all these clichés - Arthur feels like Generic Soap Opera Father, and Eusine's mother feels like Generic Soap Opera Mother, and they're having Generic Soap Opera Argument. It makes it impossible to relate to the characters as characters, properly understand what drives them and actually feel the tension between them. Why does Arthur search for Suicune? Why is it so extremely important to him? To what lengths has he gone with it before? Why does this particular time tip his wife over the edge? What does she worry about beyond just his leaving? How does she actually feel about him? If the argument were written better, in a less clichéd manner, and you had more indicators of details like this, it would be much easier to take it seriously.

Again, there was the calm before the storm, where no one spoke. Then, there was the storm -- the shouting, the arguing, and the crying.
Yet again, what child thinks in words like this?

Aside from that, using "there was" is a very weak wording, particularly when it's the verb in two sentences in a row. It makes them seem bland and routine - "first there was this, then there was this" - instead of the emotional effect you should be going for here.

And really, this metaphor isn't even appropriate here. The calm before the storm refers to calm, well, before the storm, not in the middle of it. :/

I couldn’t take it so I shut my door and hid under the cozy covers of my bed.
This is the sentence where I concluded you don't seem to be very good at first person. Everything that preceded it is perfectly objective and emotionless - and now you say Eusine "couldn't take it"? How on earth can we have been in his head during the whole argument and not noticed even a hint that he's scared or worried? I assumed, thanks to the lack of emotion in him during the actual argument, that he was really detached, so used to seeing them fight that he could just shrug it off, or else somehow had absolutely no idea what was going on or that it was anything serious. If it is really distressing for him to watch the argument, show it while that's happening - have him notice with fear that his daddy has a scary look on his face, have him curl up behind the bedroom door again while clutching it tightly with his fingers, have him close his eyes or describe how he flees to his room to try to block out the sound. He shut the door? Shouldn't a frightened child be a little less careful than that - slamming it, perhaps? His bed covers are cozy? How can he be thinking about coziness when he's in severe distress? He should be cowering, pulling the covers over his head, squeezing his eyes shut in the darkness while his own breathing almost drowns out his parents' voices, waiting for it to be over.

And that's another thing - that really is what he ought to be doing. Why does he just pick up a book and start reading it? The moment after he's back in his room and under the covers, supposedly "hiding", he completely stops seeming upset again. He just starts reading a book, noticing the pretty wolf (why does everyone think Suicune looks anything like a wolf, anyway?), trying to read its name, smiling, yawning, going to sleep as if nothing were more natural. He should be too worked up to do any of that so casually - at most I could picture him flipping restlessly through the book to divert his attention.

As far as we can tell, Eusine is completely emotionless, or at least has the emotional memory of the proverbial goldfish. That's not a good thing for a prologue like this, which seems to be trying to rely on emotion to provide the intended effect. Show us more emotion and this would be a whole lot more interesting.

To be honest, I think this prologue really would probably work better in third person, since first-person young child POVs are really hard to do well even if you did try to stick with it - it's so easy for it to sound either cheesy and fake or way too mature. But if the rest of the story is first-person from adult Eusine's point of view, I suppose you'd want to stick with that for the prologue too. :/ Regardless, the writing style here really doesn't work. In the first paragraph the language is too mature and flowery and the point of view is too omniscient; in the rest of it there is too little interesting detail and emotion to make the story gripping and involving.

Others have commented on your grammar and punctuation use, but it too could use some refinement.
 
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