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Requiem (PG-13)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Sidewinder, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    First shot at a Fic. I'm hoping for any sort of a review that would help me refine my writing. I have a few chapters written and I'm really wanting some hard and honest feedback. Will rate the Fic (PG-13) for random violent battles and occasional swearing. The beginning starts off a bit slow, but stick with it, because what I have planned is sure to please.


    He followed behind the other students, dimly aware of the tour guide spouting off facts and dates about the cave they were touring. His Abra had both spindly arms wrapped around his neck, head draped across the back of his own. The Abra, like most of its species, was largely lethargic, napping constantly; seeming more like an infant human than the psychic force for which it was named. The boy hiked the sleeping pokemon up to a more secure grip on his back, taking note that he was falling further and further behind the rest of the group.

    The cave, like most in Hoenn, was filled with arching passageways and hidden tunnels, luring tourists and treasure seekers from all over the land to the small island where the cave made its home. Granite Cave, was unique in the fact that it was not only just found on the island but burrowed underneath it. Occasional gouts of water forced itself inside and flooded some of the tunnels, but all in all a worthwhile risk for those who wished to learn, and to those who wished to find the rare gems scattered throughout its recesses.

    Ever since the adoption agency had placed the boy with his foster family, a successful pokemon doctor duo of husband and wife, he had found himself increasingly more withdrawn. The only enjoyment he ever looked forward to were the days when his new parents were away on business, which was becoming more and more frequent with the advances they made in pokemon restoration. They were kind, they provided, they listened, but he couldn’t connect with them. His parents were long dead, twisted and spirited away by the ghostly hand of death. They had given him his Abra however. He allowed himself a small smile at the thought; he and the pokemon had bonded extremely well over the last few months, becoming inseperable, becoming dependant on one another. The Abra had also lost its parents; his new parents being vague on how it happened, but nevertheless fate brought them together and they were both blessed for it.

    The sounds of the tour group were barely audible, they had slipped far behind. Abra tensed.

    The psychic pokemon rolled forward across the boy’s shoulder and hovered barely off the ground, a nimbus of black-purple energy glowing in its right hand. The pokemon cocked its head from side to side like a Pidgey, listening. The boy stayed frozen still, feeling his skin break out in chills as his thoughts swayed and teetered, unable to overcome the odd sense of fear that was boiling in his stomach.

    They both reacted at the same time. Abra growled, and a sphere of psychic energy arced from its hand and struck a blur of pale cream and green that was dashing towards them. The boy clenched his fists and took a step forward, intending to get a better footing. His foot did not come back down. The blur spun in the air, reflecting the attack Abra had shot back to its source, knocking the Pokemon into its master, hurtling them both to the far wall. Before the impact struck, the boy felt a motherly warm hand grasp the back of his shirt and guide them through the wall, passing through solid granite like it was air. As the boy and his Abra were forced through the wall, he felt the hand drop them into pitch blackness.


    His head struck the rocky floor as he rolled, the soft skin on his arms tearing easily on the ground as he rolled to a stop. Abra landed with a dull thump to his left, the pokemon crying out in alarm as the boy began to sob. A soft orb of white sprang into existence above the pokemon’s head, illuminating the immediate area and allowing the boy to focus his eyes. Abra limped towards his master, favoring his left leg. The psychic pokemon’s right leg bore a long gash up the side of its thigh, from which blood freely flowed. They put their arms around each other, Abra leaning on the boy for support. Even though the effort nearly threw both of them back to the ground, the boy swung the injured pokemon onto his back, mind reeling in utter disbelief at the sight that lay before them.

    The floor was black as death, black as night, it seemed to reach up and absorb the light hovering above the two of them. An altar of matching color sat on the floor in front of the pair. It was well over twenty feet wide, with odd geometric shapes carved into the front face of it. On top of the altar was a tablet of equal proportions, standing upright, seemingly made of the same material as the rest of the object. Hieroglyphics were carved into the tablet in lines, some the boy recognized as pokemon, others as humans; but as he looked towards the top of the tablet, a jagged chunk was missing. It looked as if it had been roughly cut out using a massive serrated blade.

    As the boy and his Abra looked in wonder at the strange object, a small stony flake, glistening slightly in the oily light of the conjured orb, began to skitter across the top of the altar, seemingly of its own accord. As the boy and his pokemon noticed the flake, they stiffened, perceiving a new threat. However, the flake stopped at the edge of the altar, just within reach of the boy. As he breathed out in relief, he took a step closer and stared at the small object. It was roughly about three inches long, and in the rough hewn shape of a diamond. As his breath reached the small flake, it began to glow. A bright neon green light shone from the flake, so bright in its intensity, the boy flung his arm up to shield himself. The small cavern the two found themselves in was illuminated in its entirety. The shapes on the tablet almost seemed to move in the ethereal green light that danced across its surface.

    It was just then the boy heard a whisper. It was soft, delicate, even comforting. Other whispers joined the first, and the boy just knew the voices were coming from the flake, and that he wanted to touch it, to envelop himself in those voices, to hold them inside his body. He needed to touch the flake or they would go away, they would leave him and Abra in this darkness forever. He looked over his shoulder at his pokemon, whose small face was unmistakably and utterly terrified. They held each other’s gaze for a moment, and Abra began slowly shaking its head. The whispers began to lose their intensity, began to sound further away. Without a second thought the boy’s arm shot forward and he snatched the flake from the top of the altar.

    The boy began to scream…
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2012
  2. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Chapter 1

    Twenty nine years later

    It was only because of the Pokeflect around his wrist that Dorian wasn’t roasted alive by the flamethrower attack the enraged Growlithe had just launched at him. While still experimental, the ‘Pokeflect’ had saved many from grievous injuries sometimes sustained in pokemon battles. Almost three years ago, scientists working for the Silph Corporation had learned how to replicate the effects of the pokemon move, Reflect, and Light Screen, and combined them. When activated, the wrist mounted device enclosed its wearer in a globule of light blue energy that had the ability to reflect all but the most powerful pokemon based attacks up and away from its wielder. Where before, trainers competing in Pokemon battles had to constantly be aware of attacks that missed their Pokemon and put them in direct danger, the Pokeflect gave trainers a sense of relevant comfort knowing that they were ‘generally’ out of harm’s way.

    Dorian Dvakna, twenty-four, was far too thin for his age. At a bit over six feet he comfortably stood a few inches above most people he knew and met. With dark hair, and hazel eyes verging on brown, most would say Dorian to be handsome, though certainly not gorgeous, but rather somewhere between atrocious looking and the latter. By all accounts very ordinary, with his arms and legs toned from working at the local Pokemon breeders house in Cherrygrove City. His smile however, deterred any from thinking that he was anything but ordinary. His unnaturally straight and white teeth only showed confidence and capability.

    He had been following the wild Growlithe for a little over five days. Tracking the bent and snapped underbrush, watching for small piles of feces, and sleeping in a tent for that time had put a determination in Dorian that he had not felt in some time. The small dog was perhaps waist high, and was beautifully layered with stripes of alternating orange, black, and yellow. While not extraordinary as a Growlithe, its god-like evolved form of Arcanine was close to legendary. He knew it would give him an edge when he finally decided to enter the competitive battle scene. This little Growlithe was doing everything it could to live up to its future namesake. Biting, slashing, and breathing torrents of fire at Dorian’s Nuzleaf; who was doing a pretty adept job at dashing back and forth, bouncing on his hands as well as his feet to stay away from the fire mutt until his master gave the order.

    “bullet seed!’ Dorian roared.

    Nuzleaf cartwheeled thirty feet to the right, and in one motion used his hands to launch himself into the air and spin, launching a barrage of glowing yellow and green pellets at the Growlithe. The first wave hit the dirt in front of the colorful dog, kicking dirt into its eyes; just as Dorian intended. The second wave hit the disoriented Growlithe square in the chest, causing it to shake its mane in an attempt to clean the dust from its eyes. Nuzleaf’s wiry brown body came down to embrace the dog from the air, rolling at the last second to send a roundhouse kick to the dog’s muzzle. The Growlithe was shunted backwards fifteen feet, with Nuzleaf hot in pursuit.

    “Wait till it charges and faint attack!” ordered Dorian.

    No sooner had he given the command, the Growlithe righted itself and charged his Nuzleaf, orange flame licking the pits of its nostrils. The small pokemon proved to be too quick for Nuzleaf however; as the grass type readied itself to dodge, the pokemon put on an extra burst of speed and speared the brown pokemon in the sternum, making an audible crack!

    “NUZ!” the pokemon grunted.

    Nuzleaf folded like dough and slid across the gravel, flipping end over end. Meanwhile, the Growlithe turned its attention back to Dorian, who jumped to the side to dodge a squirt of flame from the enraged Pokemon. Swearing, he rolled to his feet, having forgotten that his Pokeflect would protect him from the attack. Concern racked his face as he struggled to find his Pokemon. Before he could spot, there was a loud smack!

    Nuzleaf landed another harsh kick to the Pokemon’s snout, sending it soaring across the ground like a poorly guided arrow. The grass type followed behind, purpose written across its scarred face; it jumped and landed on top of the Growlithe, using both legs to pin down the pup. Extending its arms, the Nuzleaf put one hand around the Growlithe’s throat, while the other snaked down to grab its right paw. Dorian jogged forward, aware of a growing throb in his right ankle, where he had twisted it to avoid the dog’s well placed flamethrower.

    “You put up quite a fight.” Dorian said over the tired and struggling Growlithe. “It’s not often something is able to surprise Nuzleaf. Though I suppose he is getting pretty seasoned.”

    Nuzleaf shot him a dirty look. Over the last several days, the grass type’s single leaf that rested on top of his head had taken on a burnt amber color, signaling the arrival of Fall. Though the leaf would not wilt, it annoyed the bandit striped Pokemon to no end to have Dorian tease him like a seedling stuck in sap.

    “Thanks for humbling him.” Dorian winked, bringing a clenched fist to hover over the struggling Growlithe.

    A green friend ball dropped out of his hand, falling towards the Growlithe in slow motion; the white button on the front tapped the dog’s forehead; the ball split in two, and the newest addition to Dorian’s rag-tag group of misfits turned into energy. Glowing intensely white, his form folded in on itself again and again, becoming more miniscule; and at the same time started to spin. As soon as the energy that was Growlithe became smaller than the ball, its two halves came back down in a mighty snap! Signaling a successful capture, and the reward to his hard work.

    “Yeah that’s right.” he said as Nuzleaf got up and dusted itself off. “All in all I think that went pretty well.”

    “Leaf?” the Pokemon retorted in obvious annoyance.

    “Yeah you helped too I guess, although I think it’s also the fact that I’m just a real ‘Go-Getter’, the kinda guy that really overcomes adversity at all costs. Don’t you think so?”

    Instead of replying, the grass type Pokemon reached into the right front pocket of Dorian’s jeans and pulled out another pokeball, this one having a scarlet top and ivory bottom. While Dorian reached down to pick up his newly captured pokemon, Nuzleaf drew back and threw the pokeball at his owner’s head. There was a loud thunk as it connected and opened, spilling out light.

    “What the hell?!” Dorian exclaimed, bracing his hand against the growing lump on the back of his head. “You know I was just kidding. I never would have been able to do that without you.”

    Nuzleaf smirked, looking towards the Pokemon that had been released from its glittering confines. The Trapinch was of average build for a member of its species. Around the height of Dorian’s knees, the Trapinch’s body was dwarfed by its monstrous head, which consisted of two sparkling eyes, a noticeable lack of a nose, and a gargantuan mouth that Dorian knew he could easily fit his head into. Its head was supported by a proportionally smaller body with four thick legs. The color scheme of this perpetually ecstatic Pokemon was a rich royal russet, which Dorian had always found pleasant.

    “Ap!” it yelled. “AP, APAP!”

    “Yeah yeah, I know.” Dorian groaned. “Horrible injustice that you weren’t involved, I know, I’m sorry. Was that heartfelt enough? Or do I need to more careful with your delicate sensibilities?”

    It was odd; both Pokemon were polar opposites in terms of facial features, but they were giving Dorian the exact same look of contempt. Rolling his eyes, Dorian tucked his newly captured Pokemon into his pocket, patting it once to reassure himself; then started back down the road towards Cherrygrove City, with the tree midget and space termite following close behind.


    As his house came into view, situated at the edge of the tree line on the outskirts of Cherrygrove City, Dorian heard a soft growl behind him. Nuzleaf had stopped and was staring at Trapinch, concern racking its lined face. The giant Pokemon was shivering fiercely, eyes closed, mouth slightly agape.

    “You okay buddy?” Dorian asked.

    The fits Trapinch was experiencing had become more and more frequent since Dorian had used him to subdue a crazed Persian that had strayed into their camp while tracking the Growlithe. Pokemon evolution was no easy ordeal, and as much as Dorian wanted to wish the pain away, he couldn’t.

    “Aap.” Trapinch moaned softly, swaying from side to side like a windblown leaf.

    The tremors having subsided, Dorian breathed a sigh of relief. Taking out its pokeball, he returned the Pokemon in a flash of ruby light. Putting his Trapinch in the blessed restful stasis of its pokeball would hopefully give the troubled Pokemon some peace. Nuzleaf shrugged and started forward again, its carved wooden feet squeaking as they crunched on gravel.

    “I’m sure he’ll be okay, it’s going to pass soon eno-“ Dorian started, as a violet glow suddenly enveloped his feet. He then experienced the unusual sensation of being yanked straight up and flipped upside down.

    “You blithering idiot!” Shelton screamed.

    “Oh God,” Dorian sighed, bracing himself.

    The force of the hydro pump from his roommate’s Golduck hit him with less force than he imagined it would. Maybe the duck Pokemon was taking it easy on him on account of the verbal and possible physical abuse he was about to receive from Shelton. Regardless, the icy blast of water hit him square in the sternum at the same time the force holding him up suddenly evaporated. As he fell, he sighted Sheton’s Golduck sitting on the steps of their front porch, its bill marred with a mixture of anxiousness and forced regret. Silently thanking the sapphire avian for sparing him unnecessary pain, he connected with the ground headfirst.

    His head collided not with the thump he expected, but with the clear crisp clink of silverware on glass. Dorian groaned, the pain shooting beautiful colors across his vision, which raced towards his cranium with abundant purpose. As he heard the stomps of his roommate getting closer, he rolled over to see what had lovingly kissed his skull. The object appeared to be stone, but only a square inch was visible, the rest was buried below the dirt path he was writhing on.

    “You do realize what a complete and utter moron you are, don’t you?!” Shelton roared. “Not only did you get fired for missing five straight days of work, but I also found the receipt for the friend ball you paid THREE THOUSAND credits for!”

    “I-“ he started, only to be cut off by the fiery glare thrown at him from her shocking azure eyes.

    “Shut it!” she yelled. “Since I handle all of our bills and know EXACTLY how much you have in savings, I’m going to correctly assume you used your money for that ridiculous purchase instead of paying our rent.”

    His head still ringing from the impact, he switched from looking at her, then back at the glossy black stone. It kept drawing his attention, calling out to him with its inky color. He switched back to Shelton, taking in her glowing, shoulder length blond hair, the slight curves of her shoulder and hips, and her ivory skin that was barely visible beneath the waves of red igniting in anger across her face.

    “You’re right.” he stammered. “It was immature, and extremely irresponsible, but if you want to calm down for just a minute I can explain.”

    “Calm down?” she asked. “Dorian, excuse me, ‘Idiot’, if we don’t pay rent, we get EVICTED. Even with your pea sized intellect, I’m sure you can understand that.”

    “I do. However, some good came out of my obvious mental inadequacy.” he explained. “I caught a Growlithe.”

    “That’s great Dorian, I’m glad that when we get tossed to the street we’ll have a nice warm Growlithe to live in.” she said, rolling her eyes and turning to Nuzleaf. “You hungry sweetheart?”

    “Nuz!” he exclaimed, taking her hand.

    “Judas!” Dorian hissed.

    Nuzleaf smirked at his owner as Shelton lead them both back towards their home. Taking a breath, Dorian sat up into a crouch, turning back to the object embedded in the dirt. Extracting his knife from its sheath on his ankle, he slowly buried it to the hilt in the compacted dirt. Pushing down on the dagger, it popped free, softly glowing as it caught the light.

    It was obviously handmade, evident by the lines and shapes carved into its face. One side of the stone was rigidly straight, while the other two sides looked like they had been sheared off of a larger piece. As he cleared away the rest of the dirt from the stone, he observed two shapes that were hewn into it below the vertical lines. One was arguably a human, judging from the shape. While the other had what appeared to be the antenna of an insect Pokemon. They were both unmistakably dead.


    It had been almost three decades since a Granite Cave tour guide had found the unconscious forms of a small boy and his Pokemon at the exit of the cave. Since then, the boy had been transformed into a man. As much by life’s natural course, as by the small flake he had absorbed into his body years ago. After lying to those concerned about how he had gotten to the exit of the cave before the rest of the group; the boy began noticing strange happenings with his mental and physical state.

    Days after the incident, he learned that his muscular strength was rapidly increasing; along with being able to run much faster and further than he previously could. Weeks after, he noticed he could now interpret feeling from other people and their Pokemon, picking up on their intentions and mental decision making without their knowledge. Months after, the whispers he had heard in the cave had returned, singing of love and affection, assuring him in his dreams that he wouldn’t be without them anymore. They also gave him instruction on his newfound gifts and how to enhance them.

    Which was why he was in Vermillion city that day; to the famed Diglett’s cave he traveled, or rather, underneath it. The whispers had led him to a cave in the recent months, in the sand swept plains of the desert in Hoenn . The cave bearing another flake he took into himself. The cave he found near Route 111 however had something extra. A shard of stone from the enormous tablet he had seen in Granite Cave years ago. People the man walked past throughout the day forgot him as soon as he passed. A somewhat average looking man with long, wavy tan hair, an Alakazam keeping stride to his right. A curious jumble of thoughts passed across their minds as he walked; the sudden feeling that they were late, or had misplaced something of small importance.

    The duo walked east of the city, the man allowing himself a small smile as he zipped up his jacket.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012
    shoz999 likes this.
  3. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury


    The stone gave Dorian an odd sensation, like cold heat, but not on his skin. Rather, it was like he had swallowed the stone and whatever kind of feeling it was giving him was coming from his inside and radiating outwards. Shrugging, he tucked the foot long, macabre stone in his back pocket and headed into the house.

    “I’m instituting a new rule,” Shelton began, crossing her legs and leaning forward. “From now on, all your decision making privileges have been revoked. Other than involuntary bodily functions you have to perform in order to survive, I want you on the sofa, sitting on your hands at all times.”

    “Agreed,” Dorian said glumly.

    He crossed the living room, spying two leaves lying near the bottom edge of the chipped coffee table. Which he knew was going to annoy him to no end until he could pick them up. Which was probably going to be quite some time since apparently from now on he was only allowed to sit completely still, and breathe.

    The gangly adult sat down between his Nuzleaf and Shelton’s Golduck, who were both sleeping and taking up as much room as possible, leaving him about a pencil width’s amount of space. While not extravagant, the home was furnished quaintly. He and Shelton had both cosigned on a loan from Silph Co. to buy their furniture. Hardwood flooring, showing obvious signs of strain, lined the floors. They ended with tile as they touched the adjoining kitchen. The sofa, loveseat, and matching recliner were a royal violet, the latter having Shelton perched on it, seething at him like a predator.

    “Look, I’m sorry,” Dorian explained. “You know I’ve always wanted a Growlithe. When I saw it, well, you know me. When I get focused on something I just lose track of everything else.”

    “Actually, you’ve always wanted an Arcanine, so that point is moot,” she replied. “Maybe I overreacted ‘slightly’, but it was mainly because I barely had enough to cover the rent. Surely you can understand that.”

    “I can,” he said. “And I’m sure the situation of third degree battery by Golduck only came about because you were a bit worried when you couldn’t get in touch with me.”

    “Maybe,” she admitted.

    “So we’re good?” he asked.

    “After you pay me back,” she smiled. “With interest.”

    “Any point in arguing?” he asked.

    “Sure.” she replied. “What do you got?”

    After a pensive look, Dorian said, “I request the right to argue for a lower amount after I’ve thought of a good enough excuse.”

    “Request granted…Moron,” she said, flashing her teeth.

    “Where’s the rest of them?” Dorian inquired, flicking his eyes towards the slumbering Pokemon.

    “Machop is under the house again,” she answered. “We were out back pulling weeds, when that soulless Sunflora popped out and started terrorizing him again. Shuppet is in her usual spot.”

    On cue, the small ghost type Pokemon phased herself through the nearby refrigerator door, multicolored eyes gleaming. “Shup-SHUP!” it cackled happily, drifting over to land on Dorian’s shoulder.

    Indistinguishable from a grey bathroom towel, the point topped ghost Pokemon was Shelton’s latest capture. It was a pleasant enough Pokemon who didn’t get into much mischief, save for the odd habit of sleeping in the refrigerator and nowhere else. Shelton had caught the charismatic Pokemon partly out of wanting a new addition to her small family of Pokemon, and partly to break her Machop of its manic fear of everything but Her, Dorian, and their respective creatures. Its species usually synonymous with bravery and strength, Shelton’s Machop unfortunately fell far short. She still didn’t believe him, but once, Dorian watched Machop catch a glimpse of his own shadow following him, only to run screaming back to the house. Nothing however, terrified the fighting type more than ghosts. Even ones they saw when watching horror movies would send him sobbing back to Shelton’s bedroom.

    “By the way,” Shelton said. “Your Uncle Ronnie called. I told him you would ring him back once you got home. He seemed pretty anxious to talk to you.”

    “Thanks,” Dorian said, pushing himself off the sofa. “I’ve never heard him sound anxious about anything but rocks, so I’ll call him back now.”
    He turned to walk back outside when Shelton’s voice stopped him.

    “Hey dummy!” she called.


    “I’m glad you’re okay,” she admitted.

    “Thanks dummy, I’m sorry I worried you,” he said, grabbing his cell phone from the kitchen counter and excusing himself outside.

    Opening his cell phone, he selected his Uncle Ronnie and waited as it rang. His father’s older brother worked as a curator at the Pewter City museum, which was a profession he excelled at naturally. Owing to his near genius IQ and love of all things made hundreds to thousands of years before he was born. It had been almost three months since they had last spoken, because of both their work schedules.

    “There’s my favorite nephew!” his uncle exclaimed.

    “Hey Ronnie!” he replied, a grin crossing his face.

    “How you doing, hotshot?” his uncle asked. “Still driving the girls crazy?”

    “Only Shelton,” Dorian replied.

    “Ah! How’s my future daughter in law doing?”

    “She’s really good. We finally set the wedding date; June, two-thousand and never!”

    “Eh, we’ll see about that,” his uncle joked. “But, to the real reason I called. I’ll be seeing you soon.”

    “That’s great,” Dorian said, his smile getting wider.

    “My team and I are organizing a dig right outside Cherrygrove,” he explained. “We should be there in about a week, well, maybe a little longer depending on how fast we can get out of Pewter.”

    “Sounds great. What are you going to be digging for? Oil seems a bit pointless at this point.”

    “The Director has it in his head that one of the earliest human civilizations in Johto had a settlement situated to the east of Cherrygrove,” he said. “Judging by those small tourist trap ruin’s in that area, I’m inclined to believe he may have a point. You know which one’s I’m talking about, don’t you?”

    “Yeah, I do. Up in the woods on Route twenty-nine towards New Bark Town.”

    “Anyway, he’s been obsessing over this ancient legend that’s been passed down from mouth to ear for centuries. Something about six ‘markers’, and a master tablet to which they belong. Once assembled and placed back on the tablet which they were broken off of, show the way to a terrifying treasure.”

    “Terrifying?” Dorian repeated.

    “Yes,” his Uncle answered. “The direct translation goes ‘Gathered together, split apart. give your world, to eat what remains.’”

    “Do you believe there’s really a treasure?”

    “I believe we’ll find remnants of the civilization, but an actual treasure, I’m not sure. I think it’s subjective on what they viewed as treasure at that time. I mean, it could have very well been diamonds, other precious stones, or objects they didn’t understand which they attributed mystical properties.”

    “Ah. What about these markers? They’re just supposed to give you directions on where to bring them after you got them all?”

    “Supposedly they’re supposed to do just that, as well as point to each of the other markers that are hidden. The only odd thing is how they describe the markers themselves.”

    “How so?” Dorian asked.

    “Well, from the limited amount of information we’ve gathered on the marker’s, they’re supposedly forged from metal; but out of a rare ore we think is obsidian. Though we don’t know for sure because there is so little discovered throughout the world today, only a few grams or so. We know that from their description, it’s jet black, weighing much less than other metal ore’s they would have had access to back then. From what the Director is thinking, he attributed it more to a hollow, glossy diamond, instead of metal.”

    “These markers, would they be very big?” Dorian asked, his voice catching in his throat.

    “Quite the contrary.” his uncle answered. “From the estimations we’ve done from the legend, they would only be a foot long, chiseled with glyphs depicting why they broke the tablet, and separated the pieces in the first place. As well as directions to the others.”

    “Well,” Dorian grinned, plucking the small shard from his pocket. “I think I just saved you a trip.”


    The man and his Alakazam walked with purpose through the lower levels of Diglett’s Cave, shadows dancing ethereally across the rocky walls from the glowing ball his psychic Pokemon had conjured above its head. As he passed by a strangely large depression in the wall to his right, his jeans began to thrum not unlike that of a panicked and overworked heart. He had carried the shard he had found in Hoenn with him ever since he had discovered it, and now it was lightly pulsing from the inside. Looking at the shard and then back to the wall, he nodded. The vibrations from the stone ceased, signaling his accuracy.

    “You ready?” he asked his partner.

    The Alakazam sat down on the hard cave floor and sat cross legged. An eerie lilac glow emanated from under its feet as it rose to hover at eye level with its master. Nodding, the psychic type extended a tendril of though toward the man’s belt, lifting a pokeball from the holster at the man’s waist. Squinting its eyes, the Pokemon opened the ball, spilling light across the inside of the cavern, drowning the shadows that surrounded the two.

    Armor plated feet, shins, and waist became visible first. Followed by a sizeable stomach, still armor plated, but with a different color. Two, three clawed paws with arms appeared next, which lead up to thickly muscled shoulders, surrounded by overlapping plates of substantial armor. As soon as the head became visible, a thunderous roar reverberated through the small cavern, spilling dust from the ceiling above. The Pokemon growled, confused by its surroundings.

    “Take it down.” the man ordered, smiling at the Pokemon.

    “Don.” the Pokemon agreed, returning the smile as best as its terrifying face would allow.

    The single, wicked looking horn protruding from the Pokemon’s nose began to gyrate, releasing a high pitched squeal. Striding forward, the Pokemon took mighty swings at the wall, taking away chunks with every blow. The wall whimpered in protest, trying to hold its shape, struggling to retain the only purpose it ever had. With a groan, the wall slid forward into a pile of rubble at the Rhydon’s outsized feet, a gust of air billowing over the muscular Pokemon, betraying its secret of a small inner room. The man strode past the rock type, nodding his thanks as he passed, his Alakazam following close behind.

    “Wasn’t as hard as I expected,” the man said to the floating Pokemon.

    As the words left his lips, steel spikes shot out from either side of the room. Orange with rust, they cut through the air with determination towards the man, already halfway to him before he even noticed they had been released. The spikes stopped a few inches from the man, a violet globule of energy attached to each of the assuredly sharp points. With the Alkazam’s direction, they slowly slid back into the holes that lined the walls to the entrance of the hidden chamber. Turning around to face his savior, the man nodded, remembering a similar dilemma when the Pokemon had saved his life.

    “So that’s three that I owe you now?” the man asked.

    The Pokemon didn’t reply with a verbal affirmation, rather it held up four of its spindly fingers.

    “Okay then,” the man said, sure that the psychic type had protected him from another danger that he had long since forgotten.

    The man walked towards the back of the room, knowing what lay ahead. The space around the small pedestal in the center of the floor was like the other he had found in Hoenn, with its material closely resembling that of the shard he held in his pocket. At the top of the small, flat topped spire he saw another shard, standing upright on one pointed edge. On top of the splinter, glowing faintly, was the real prize. It was smaller than the two he had found in Hoenn, but it commanded just as much of a presence. Knowing he was safe with the two Pokemon guarding the entrance, he reached out with a hand to touch the small flake straddling the timeless relic. The flake sprang upward and drove itself into the man’s palm, causing a stream of burgundy blood to lazily drift down his arm as it burrowed itself into his flesh.

    “That’s some-ahh,” he moaned, feeling suddenly weak at the knees.

    The man’s Alkazam dropped to its two legs, placing a hand on the man’s shoulder to comfort him. The psychic Pokemon could feel the waves of anxious nausea streaming from his owner. The unease the Pokemon felt was magnified by the care and affection he had adopted towards the man since they had become partners so long ago. In truth, the flakes his master was absorbing gave the Alakazam a sense of fear. Something was innately wrong with the curious, oily flakes. Besides the pain caused by their entrance, the flakes only seemed to help the man with his physical and social dealings. However, the Alakazam maintained his suspicions about them, ready to step in if they gave him reason to act.

    “I’m fin, I’m fine,” the man stammered.

    “Zam?” his Pokemon questioned.

    “No it’s okay, I promise.” the man assured his Pokemon. “That was worst than the last, but I’m good now. See?”

    The Alakazam inspected the man’s palm. Except for the greasy line left behind by the seeping blood, the wound caused by the entry of the small flake had completely vanished. “Zam,” his Pokemon answered, satisfied.

    “You worry too much,” the man said, wiping his moist brow. “I was fine the first two times, and this was no different.”

    “Don?” a voice inquired from up ahead.

    “Were coming,” the man called. “Ready?”


    “Alright then,” the man said, casually plucking the small black shard from its pedestal and putting in into his pocket next to the other.

    The Alakazam floated back up to eye level with the man, its eyes flicking towards the towering rock type standing guard up ahead. The man nodded, and started forward, his legs feeling slightly weak. The Rhydon fell into step behind the two, its horned head swinging from side to side, listening for potential danger. They made it through the lower section and back up to the entrance of the cave without incident, threading their way through the cavern like serpents. It was only when faint traces of sunlight became visible did they notice something crowding the path.

    “Dig!” a chorus of voices shouted in angry unison.

    In a perfectly straight line, from wall to wall near the entrance, a procession of Diglett’s sat in wait. Their voices overlapped as they growled, making them appear to be more numerous in the dim light. Black eyes glinting, their growls echoing down the cave behind them, the assembled Diglett made no move to attack. They were obviously waiting for the intruders to act first, so they could judge the severity of the threat.

    “Move?” the man questioned, bending down to pick up a small stone from the floor.

    “Dig!” the Pokemon answered, red noses taking in the scent of the Rhydon and Alakazam.

    “Didn’t think so,” the man said, rolling his eyes. “You guys are up.”



    By the time the sound waves of the two Pokemon were processed by the sensitive ears of the line of Diglett’s, it was too late. Jumping about two feet up, the Rhydon slammed his left foot down, followed by his right, each smacking the ground with a deafening clap! A skeletal crack raced towards the waiting Diglett’s, closely trailed by another crack from the Pokemon’s right foot. The first line stopped a few inches from the assembled Pokemon, sinking down into the rock. A fissure erupted in the ground along the Diglett’s, sucking them down to their noses. The second moving crack slammed into the fissure, causing the ground to exhale a squall of air as each side of the fissure collapsed back into itself, trapping the Diglett’s in place.

    As this was taking place, the man’s Alakazam closed its eyes, levitating two silver spoons in front of its mustached face. The spoons began to rotate, a purple glow emanating from their handles. Suddenly, Alakazam’s eyes snapped open! A bell tone chimed as the spoons came to a stop, and a glittering sinister wave of black arced towards the Diglett’s. The wave washed over them gently, guiding them into a peaceful, dreamless slumber.

    The trio started towards the entrance of the cave, unchallenged this time. Alakazam floated over the sleeping Pokemon as the man and his Rhydon gingerly stepped over them. The man didn’t know where they were going next, but he knew that the next time he slept, he would be told. He was always told where to go and how to better himself and his Pokemon. The voices would whisper to him in his dreams, guiding him towards additional power, guiding him to more knowledge, and eventually, guiding him to his destiny.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012
  4. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    It should read "So we're good?" he asked, as the "he asked" is not a sentence of its own. You've done this many times, but you started off well.

    The second part of his speech could be better in his head, it seems like unecessary explanation to Shelton.

    This could all be one sentence, as the second doesn't really make sense alone.

    The description is nice, but missing some key features (like colour, the horn, height, ect). Also, as the first thing it says is just "Don", the word Donphan springs to mind first, which made me unsure about what it was. You just need to add a bit more description, and maybe let it say more than just Don.

    Apart from those minor errors, I really liked this chapter as it showed Shelton and Dorian's relationship effectively and continued with the mystery plot at the end. I really like Dorian, as he is sarcastic in a way that I would be, so keep the sarcasm coming!
  5. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Ah, well that makes sense. So I should use a comma at the end of, 'he asked'? Even if the next line is someone talking?


    "Lalalala?" he asked,

    "Yes," she replied.

    Just want to make sure I'm using commas correctly. And I appreciate the review of Chapter 2. It means alot, and its exactly what I was looking for. Thanks for the support.
  6. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Nope, he/she just used a comma there in explaining their sentence - it should be a full stop after asked. To clarify:
    Ergo, the change is just to remove the capital H in he that was there before; that's because 'He asked' doesn't work as its own separate sentence and tells us who said that dialogue (and/or how it was said - it was asked), and so one should treat the two parts as one sentence and not use a capital letter in the middle of it. Same with 'she replied'.
  7. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Ah, got it.

    Thanks for clearing that up. I'll make sure to check over that in future drafts. I appreciate the help!
  8. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Chapter 3

    Dorian burst through the front door with a rabid ferocity that made Shelton think he had recently adopted the mind of a crazed Mightyena. The speed in which he rushed through the kitchen, throwing fruit, nuts, bread, and bottles of water into their two packs was wonderful and impressive to behold. Sweat poured from his forehead in torrents as he woke Golduck and Nuzleaf, and proceeded to body slam them. His fanatical eyes finally centered on Shelton, lips moving without expelling sound.

    “Dorian, for the sake of your health, I really need you to start breathing,” Shelton advised.

    “Sorry, sorry!” he gasped, taking deep gulps of air.

    “Alright out with it,” she commanded.

    “Give me a second,” Dorian said, hunching over to take in another few gulps of air. “Ronnie told me about the dig, and the legend, and about the director!”

    “You’re not making any sense. Did Golduck hit you too hard? Is that it? It didn’t look any stronger than usual.”

    “This,” Dorian said, pulling out the black stone, "is what I’m talking about.”

    Turning his hand over, the gangly youth dropped the shard into her outstretched hand. Gripping it lightly, Shelton turned it over in her palm, admiring how the stone caught the light. She followed the intricate lines, her eyes moving over the broken forms of Human and Pokemon alike. The scene depicted on the stone was odd, almost disturbing. However, even as the thought grew in her mind, it gently slipped away.

    “What is it?” she asked.

    “It’s called obsidian. Well, that’s what it’s made out of apparently.”

    “Once again, what?”

    “According to my uncle this stone was handcrafted from a metal ore that’s exceedingly rare nowadays.”

    “That’s why you’re so excited?”

    “Just sit down,” he said, motioning towards the recliner. She did as she was told, confused by his slightly desperate tone.

    Bewilderment turned to interest, which in turn turned into full scale excitement as Dorian explained the events that just transpired. The apparently ancient piece of stone tablet that Dorian had found was no ordinary relic. Not only did it supposedly point to a treasure of infinite worth, but from what he said, the Pewter museum would pay dearly for the piece in his possession. His uncle was immediately convinced of the marker’s authenticity from the dozen or so pictures Dorian had sent from his phone. After the initial shock had worn off, his uncle had told Dorian about Pewter’s original plan for the site, and how his tenacious nephew could potentially profit from it.

    Cutting him off mid sentence, Shelton asked, “So if I’m hearing you correctly, they were going to spend one-hundred thousand credits to move all of their excavating equipment here, but if were able to make it there before they leave, we may get some kind of finder’s fee?”

    “Exactly. Ronnie thinks we could get up to a quarter of the moving expenses if he’s able to prove this thing is real.”

    “So why doesn’t he just tell the director and we just overnight it to him?”

    “Two reasons,” Dorian explained. “First, from the pictures, and the way I described the density and weight, he thinks this is the real deal. If for some reason he’s wrong though, it would damage the director’s opinion of him. Which I’m sure would set them back even more money than they’ve lost already by the constant revisions they’ve made to the location and paying for their outside consultants.

    “And the second?” she asked.

    “It’s a pretty big deal to him that this thing gets to him in one piece. According to him they have almost no idea where the others are scattered and this piece would be a huge help in recovering the other pieces. He trusts us more than a mail carrier to get it there safely.”

    “You mean he trusts me,” she said, smiling coyly.

    “Yes, he explicitly said that several times,” he admitted.

    “Dorian, even if he got us ten percent of the cost, that would pay me back and both our bills for the next two months!”

    “I know!”

    “That’s why you’re so excited!”


    “Any other time, I would call attention to the fact that were both yelling!”

    “Same here, but this occasion calls for it!”

    “Yes!” she agreed.

    They jumped up simultaneously for an awkward air hug, floating back to the floor on a cloud of content exuberance. Golduck, Shuppet, and Nuzleaf were staring at them with puzzlement, obviously understanding most of what had passed between them, but not enough to decipher what it meant. Probably due to how quickly travel plans were flitting back and forth between them. Regardless, the three of them waited for the inevitable explanation to come their way.

    “Wait,” Shelton said. “To get to Pewter by the time the team moves out, we have to leave now.”

    “To be fair, we needed to leave yesterday, but I know a few shortcuts that will shave some time off the trip.”

    “I’ll corral the group, you pack the bags,” Shelton advised.

    “Done and done. Meet you outside in ten.” Dorian responded, grinning broadly.

    Shelton used her allotted time to assemble their collective Pokemon, including Machop, who was now shrinking behind her every time Shuppet came into view. She gathered them all together, explaining about the trip to Pewter, and assuring them of the enjoyable time they’d have on the way. Shuppet was the hardest to convince, pouting profoundly at the though of leaving her refrigerator behind.

    Dorian ran from his room to Shelton’s, gathering clothes and other essentials. When they were both full, he grabbed an extra battery for his phone, slinging it into his secondary bag which was full of enough food and camping supplies for at least seven days. Spying Shelton through the kitchen window, he blitzed through the front door, barely remembering to lock it behind him as he took a flying leap off the front porch to join them.

    “Yahhh!” he yelled, promptly landing sideways on his left ankle and tumbling to the ground.

    “Nu-uh-uh-zz!” Nuzleaf cackled.

    “I have dominion over you,” Dorian reminded the grass type, getting up and brushing the dirt from his jeans. “And I am commanding you to not laugh when I inadvertently embarrass myself from now on!”

    “Good boy,” Shelton smiled, patting Nuzleaf on the shoulder as the Pokemon blew its owner a raspberry.

    “You know, sometimes I don’t know who your more loyal to,” Dorian said. “Don’t forget that I picked you off the ground when you were a Seedot and attached you’re worthless carcass to that tree in the backyard!”

    “Nuzz.” the Pokemon said, dipping his head low in an obvious apologetic gesture.

    “Ah I’m sorry man, I was just kidding. And I know I promised I wouldn’t bring that back up again,” Dorian relented, “We’re good right?”

    “Nu-Nuz,” the Pokemon agreed, reaching out to shake his owners hand. As the Pokemon’s smiling owner reached down to grasp it however, the Pokemon leaped up and over Dorian; and in one motion twisted gracefully through the air, pulling the front of Dorian's shirt over his head and using his momentum to kick out his legs, sending him back to the ground.

    “You insolent sapling!” Dorian exclaimed, getting up and dusting himself off for the second time. The faction of Pokemon gathered around laughed in whatever way their species allowed, even timid little Machop giving a quick giggle.

    “Anyway,” Shelton said, not hiding her own hearty laugh. “You ready to do this?”

    “We're packed and ready, got everything we need,” Dorian said.

    “Let’s get going then.”

    “Let’s do it!” Dorian announced. “Strap on the nitro!”

    “Really?” Shelton asked, “Come on Dorian, we talked about this for like half an hour.”

    “Come on, just give it a chance,” he pleaded.

    “No. That catch phrase is never going to catch on. Besides that, its barely a catch phrase. Its just random words that have nothing to do with our current situation.”

    “Fine,” he said, shouldering his pack.

    “We’re clear then?”

    “Yes, mother,” he grumbled.

    “Now can we go?”

    “Yuppers,” he said. “Let’s do it.”

    “Are you serious?” she asked, frustration easily visible. “We talked even longer about that. Every single time you say ‘yuppers’, it causes me considerable mental pain.”

    “Fine, but eventually you’ll be saying it too.”

    “I seriously doubt it. And I don’t wanna hear any back talk from you either. Until we collect the money, I’m still somewhat pissed at you.”

    “Okay then,” he replied. “Glad were off to such a good start. I’m really looking forward to going to Kanto with the Gestapo.”

    “What did I say about talking back?” she asked.

    “Last word freak,” he muttered, walking to catch up with Nuzleaf and Golduck.

    “Heard that,” Shelton said, taking up place to his right.

    Keeping a brisk pace, they soon passed the small hole where the source of his new luck had been buried. It was funny to Dorian how far his life had shifted today. Starting with the triumph of his successful Growlithe capture, to the domestic abuse administered to him by Shelton, then to the extreme financial gain he was about to attain. Stepping over the hole, a slight lime glint caught his eye. Bending down, he saw what appeared to be a shaving of rock, its surface oily in the intense sunlight. As he turned his head sideways, the small flake glinted again, the green color out of place amidst the red dirt of the road. Just as he was about to scoop it up, Shelton’s voice rang out from down the road, making him realize they had continued on without him. Shrugging the small flake out of his mind, he started back down the road, thoughts of fat stacks of credits making him smile.


    The man’s Alakazam was poking him in the shoulder, signaling for him to pay attention to what was happening in front of him. The man had been daydreaming again, as was common after his chats with the voices. They always left him somewhat lethargic and inattentive after he woke from his dreams. Taking a breath, he shook his head, trying to snap himself back to reality.

    “You won’t give me your name?” the curious clerk asked.

    “What?” the man questioned, his Alakazam giving him a sharp pinch to the side.

    “I asked for your name. You said you wanted to checkout?” the clerk asked again.

    “Sorry,” the man said, pulling out his Hoenn resident identification card. “Ethan. My name is Ethan.”

    “Wonderful,” the clerk said, switching back to a friendlier tone. The clerk ran the card through the scanner, charging the night stay in the hotel to the account registered to it. “Is there anything else we can assist you with Mr. Bernard?

    “No, thanks though,” Ethan said, returning the card back to his wallet.

    “Thank you for your stay, we hope you’ll think of us next time you’re in Vermillion.”

    “Assuredly,” Ethan said, nodding to the clerk and moving towards the exit.

    Skirting pass the other patrons walking in and out of the establishment, Ethan and his Alakazam went down the side alley of the hotel and adjoining restaurant, glancing quickly around for any signs of life. His preferred method of travel was not practical, and always drew attention. It was quicker than hiking for miles though, despite the slight physical toll it drew on his psychic Pokemon.

    “Were going to Johto, outside Cherrygrove,” he told the mustached Pokemon. “Should only take us a day if we move quick.”

    “Zam,” agreed the psychic Pokemon.

    “You okay?”


    “You sure?”

    “Zam!” the Pokemon exclaimed, rolling its eyes.

    “Let’s go then,” Ethan said, sure that Alakazam was holding back more than it was letting on. It didn’t matter though, Ethan had much more pressing matters to deal with, and if the troubling situation on Alakazam’s brain really began to bother him, it would speak up. They kept no secrets from one another. Which was part of the reason why years later, they had remained as close as they were when they were young.

    Nodding, Alakazam’s hands began to move in small circles, one facing towards itself, the other towards its master. The motions began to pick up speed, leaving wispy energy trails behind them as they spun. Alakazam grunted, and Ethan felt his feet lift off the ground. Pupils dilating, Alakazam pulled both of them up into the air, using only the power of its mind. The psychic type’s hands began to glow with a hearty purple aura, which it pointed towards the sky, shooting them up high above Vermillion City. The duo smiled at each other, both reveling in the feeling of absolute freedom. Facing west, they streaked towards Johto.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012
  9. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Another great chapter! I love the awkwardness which Dorian makes, and this demonstrates his and Shelton's relationship pretty well. There were only minor problems, but you've improved with your speaking punctuation.

    The final comma is unnessecary.

    What would they do instead of tell the director? This needs to be explained a bit more. And a speech mark at the end.

    Replace first full-stop with comma.

    I like how you made this moment so awkward, how the Pokemon perceive it. But the beggining's a bit... cringy really. It doesn't sound like what people would usually say. Maybe if you mentioned that Dorian found this cheesey, it might work.

    It must have been a real leap to land on one's ankle. And it sounds as though it should be followed up by Dorian saying he twisted his ankle.

    FIrst of all, your, not you're. Secondly, what does this part mean? He put a Seedot in a tree? To be cruel or kind? It should be kind, when put in context (as he's trying to say he deserves loyalty).

    I like this bit, although it leads me to wonder when they talked about this. Obviously not when they were packing, as there was so little time, but this argument seems recent.

    "In the side" sounds better.
    Epic travel sequence! I love this bit (although it does make me wonder why he's taking so long to collect the flakes...).
  10. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Thanks for the review. The support really helps out!

    Sorry if this seems a little thick, but what do you mean?

    Yes, kind is what I was trying to say...When I've seen Nuzleaf in the anime, and what I've read about them, they seem to always be in trees. Sucking sap, absorbing sunlight, etc. What happened was back when Nuzleaf was a Seedot, Dorian attatched him to a branch because he had fallen and couldnt get back up to the branch.

    It is both old, and recent. I feel like they have a conversation about it every time he uses his catch phrase. Shelton has to remind him constantly that it is not appropriate or intelligent at all. Perhaps I should have added 'The other day', when she referenced it.

    That will actually be made known very soon.

    Thanks again for the review!
  11. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    It's just that the argument is that if the statue was mailed over, Dorian says that if it isn't real then the Director's opinion of his uncle will be damaged. So how is this resolved, we need to know, by them going over. I might be being thick myself here and just can't see what others can.

    Ahh, I don't watch too many anime episodes so I wouldn't know this. Thanks for clearing that up! (I always picture Seedot on the floor... as they are seeds...).
  12. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Its more of a large shard of a larger tablet, but I get what you're saying. They're going to Pewter so that Dorian's uncle can completely verify its authenticity before he presents it to the director. Later on, you'll learn that while Dorian's uncle is a brilliant archeologist, he's been wrong lately on other projects and damaged his reputation among his colleagues. Does that clear it up?

    Lol, I know exactly what you mean. Good point
  13. diamondpearl876

    diamondpearl876 → follow your fire.

    Hi, I told you I'd get to this in the next few days, and I did!
    You do a good job at showing that the Abra is lethargic since it's riding around on its trainer's back, and you compare it to an infant, and you say it naps constantly. Therefore, blatantly stating that it's "largely lethargic" is a bit redundant. Specific examples such as "napping constantly" and calling it an "infant" reinforce this idea, and repeating it again just makes it look like you're insecure about not being able to portray your characterse properly for your readers.
    You don't need the apostrophes around "Granite Cave." It seems like you're trying to confirm that this is the cave that they're in and exploring, but the readers can infer that on their own since you mentioned a cave in the first paragraph and the sentence before this one.
    There's a random change in tenses here. It should be "looked forward to". Also, the semi-colon would appear better as a comma. Following a semi-colon should be a sentence that's closely connected to the previous part of the sentence, but can be a sentence all on its own. You seem to use these a lot when it's not needed, so be careful.

    Going from talking about Abra to saying that fell too far behind seemed abrupt and ruined the flow of the story. It wouldn't have been so bad if the last sentence was part of a new paragraph. It would have even added to the impact of the simple, powerful sentence: "Abra tensed." When you bring about new ideas, make sure to start new paragraphs or transition into them more smoothly (or make sure the abruptness isn't out of place like it is here).
    Again, there's an abrupt change here. Since there's no element of surprise you're trying to convey like before, it's still odd and confusing, even with the paragraph separation. It would be best to put Dorian's name in the first sentence of the top paragraph so that readers know that the "he" previously mentioned is now being talked about, rather than having them think that someone completely unrelated and random is being brought into the story.
    The apostrophe should be a quotation mark. Also, you capitalized "Faint Attack" completely shortly after this, yet "Bullet seed" is only partially capitalized as an attack. I don't know if you prefer to not capitalize attacks or not, but either way, consistency shows that you know what you're doing and what you want, so pick which way you want to do and try to stick to it.
    If this were first person writing, the abrupt stop in narration would seem more effective, since it shows that someone is actually being forced to stop thinking and acting in order to pay attention to the situation at hand. In third person, however, it makes little sense for a random narrator to have to do this. I would just get rid of the first part or say "Before he could spot, there was a loud smack."

    Not sure why "seasoned" is surrounded with apostrophes. If you're trying to put emphasis on the word, then you have to make it seem more realistic. Think of it this way: If this were happening in real life, would someone be able to hear the apostrophes/emphasis on seasoned? No, it would only make sense upon reading it and visually seeing the apostrophes. So if you want to emphasize a word and make it seem more realistic, I'd make uses of ellipses and italics. I'd personally put: "Though I suppose he is getting pretty... seasoned." The ellipses shows a pause before an important/emphasized word, and the italics show that Dorian's voice would change to make others pay attention to the word, making it more powerful. This isn't really an important thing that needs to be emphasized, so it's not that big of a deal, but it could be helpful for future parts that you want to emphasize.
    "was" should be "were", since you're referring to the plural "fits" rather than just the singular "Trapinch".
    "roomate" should be "roommate". The comma should also be a period, since they're two separate sentences, really. With the comma, the first sentence just turns into a run-on, which is unnecessary and hard to read.
    Don't really need the exclamation point after "roared". You can already tell that her voice was roaring and intense by the "?!" at the end of the dialogue.
    "week" should be "weak". There are some silly mistakes like this all throughout the fic, so I think proof-reading or finding a beta would help you fix this problem pretty easily.
    You refer to Alakazam as an "it", but no other pokemon, from what I recall. Why doesn't Alakazam have a gender? I'm pretty sure they have a gender in the games.

    Anyway, I like your writing style. It's clear, consise (most of the time, when you aren't being redundant), and it sounds formal, with good vocabulary and a variation of sentence structure. Just be sure to give your readers more credit when you write, and to keep showing, not telling. I also like Dorian's dialogue and interactions with his pokemon, and how you successfully portray his slightly self-centered, sarcastic personality through the dialogue alone. The plot itself also seems interesting and original and I'm eager to see what you do with it. Keep it up!

    On a somewhat relevant but non-helpful note, Nuzleaf is one of my favorite pokemon, and I've never seen it used in a fic before, so this made me happy. squee~
  14. Glover

    Glover Pain in Rocket side

    Told ya I'd be in. This is just an informal read-through to get me familiar with the sotry. I'm afraid I'm just not in the analytical frame of mind tonight, I'll be back and do it "proper" later, I promise. I like what I'm seeing, though the scenes jumping around are just a bit confusing. That ought to work itself out though. One thing that did stick out to me though, was this:

    99% of the time, and youy called me on this in Tempest, numbers less than three digits are written out in words. Routes howver, are almost always doen in numbers, not words, as that is their given name. And I'll give you a few real world examples:

    State Road 19, Interstate 70. US 40. Route 66. County Road 400. On maps, written directions, etc. these and others like them are never wrrten as State Road Nineteen, or Interstate Seventy. Being accustomed to this, Route one-eleven sounds as awkward as saying "His eleventy-first birthday." (Yes, that's a LotR reference, deal with it) Some of that is personal taste, and other regions, countries, etc may have different rules about it, but that's how I was taught and I almost always see it in the fiction.

    All in all though, I like it. And the tremors from pre-evolution are a nice realistic feature.

    EDIT: Years typically fall into this as well. I see you did this with "two-thousand-and-never" Which is funny, but also looks funny to me.

    And Nuzleaf is now my favorite Pokemon of the chapter. I realy like him shirting Dorian.
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2012
  15. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    @ diamondpearl876

    I really appreciate the review. I thought about what you said, and you're completely right. I need to take more time going over my chapters before I post them. One of the things I hate the most in fics are punctuation and grammar errors, and I can't stand that mine had so many. I went back and corrected the ones you commented on. If you give me more reviews in the future, please keep a sharp eye out for them because I obviously need improvement. I'll be taking alot more care when I proof read from now on. And thankyou for the kind words, it really means alot, especially from someone as talented as you.

    @ Glover

    Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I did call you on that and I should have paid more attention when writing my own stuff out. I went back and corrected that as well. Thanks to you as well for the kind words. Like diamondpearl876, I really respect you as a writer, so you taking the time really means alot. I look forward to your next review. The ones I've seen by you are really in depth and you always point out alot, so I'm excited.

    I hope you all don't mind, but I would like to tell anyone reading this to check out the fics of Scaldaver, diamondpearl876, and Glover. All three have Fic's that I like a great deal, and you can find links to them in their signatures.

    Chapter 4 should be up in about two hours, so anyone who has been following this stay tuned.
  16. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Kind of a filler chapter

    Chapter 4

    “Trapinch, dodge!” Dorian yelled, sensing the water attack that was about to befall his Pokemon. His intuition proved to be correct. Less than a second later, a torrent of water was expelled from the mouth of the Marshtomp that he and Trapinch were in the process of battling.

    “Ap!” the diminutive Pokemon agreed, rolling to ihis left and dodging the powerful jet of water.

    “Use dig, and throw in some zigs!” Dorian commanded.

    As the angered water Pokemon began spraying the whole road in frantic attempts to hit Trapinch, Dorian’s Pokemon plunged his head into the dirt, worming its body into the small hole it had created.

    The Marshtomp swung its webbed hands menacingly at Dorian, challenging the human that had sent his Pokemon to attack it. Small eyes focused on the ground, the water type tried to track the erratic zigzags that Trapinch was burrowing all around it, knowing that if he lost it, agony would be its only reward. The small hump in the ground that was wildly circling the orange stomached Pokemon suddenly stopped. The Marshtomp took in a sharp breath, its gleaming cerulean hide drenched in sweat.

    “Trapinch!” the ant Pokemon cried, bursting through the sloppy ground and striking the Marshtomp from behind. Bellowing loudly, the water Pokemon was launched upward, just to come spiraling back down as gravity exerted its unrelenting pull. As the Pokemon fell, Trapinch crouched down and leaped to meet the Pokemon in the air, twisting to bring its coiled back legs around. As the Marshtomp realized what was happening, the helpless Pokemon began to pinwheel its arms in a vain attempt to fly. There was an audible pop as Trapinch used both powerful legs to send a flying kick into Marshtomp’s stomach.

    “Marshtomp!” it cried.

    Sliding across the ground, the Pokemon righted itself and began to run away, doubled over in pain. Trapinch landed roughly right after it, roaring at the fleeing Pokemon and proclaiming its victory. Turning around with its approximation of a grin, the ground type Pokemon trotted back to Dorian and Shelton’s makeshift camp. Morning dew still covered everything, easing drops of water onto its bruised face. Early in the battle the Marshtomp had hit Trapinch with a well placed water gun attack. The force had hit him in the face so hard he almost retched.

    Dorian and Shelton’s Pokemon were all out of their respective balls, clapping softly as Trapinch approached. Well, almost all of them. Shuppet had no hands so she swirled its weightless body around in the air in an attempt at congratulations. Machop too excluded from clapping, as he was much too occupied with having its arms wrapped around Shelton’s leg, watching Shuppet with its intense red eyes.

    “Nice!” Dorian beamed, jogging up to meet his Pokemon. “I liked that double kick at the end, way to improvise.”

    “Good job cutie!” Shelton joined in, spraying dry shampoo in her hair as she congratulated Trapinch. The lack of a shower was getting under her skin, causing her to burn through her cosmetics at an alarming rate. She was dressed in her usual combo of long sleeve shirt and jeans, never faltering from her style of casual, yet undeniable allure.

    “Ap! Apap!” Trapinch responded happily.

    “I was hoping that a win might finally make you evolve,” Dorian said. “It’s alright though. I know you’re as eager to get rid of those pains as I am. Maybe it’ll happen next time.”

    As its owner reached underneath to scratch its underbelly, Trapinch felt an familiar sensation start tugging at its gut. Nipping at his owner’s hand, Trapinch closed its eyes.

    “Really?!” Dorian started, snatching his hand away. “You love it when I scratch your belly…Oh.”

    Trapinch began to growl loudly, tapping into the growing process that his kind was sometimes afforded. His skin suddenly transformed into sickly hues of yellow and green. His eyes began to bulge and turn a lustrous olive as his backbone began to stretch and wiggle trough the back of his thick hide. Crimson blood streamed down his sides as a pair of regal looking, rhombus shaped wings burst out from underneath his skin. Growling louder now, the bones in his face began to change shape, becoming thinner, narrower, becoming almost brittle in their lightness. As a pair of antenna burst out of Trapinch’s forehead, his new tail split in two, mirroring the shape and color of its new wings.

    “Vibrava,” the dragon type hissed, his voice an eerie whisper. Arching its back, the newly evolved Pokemon beat its wings furiously, channeling the wind they produced all over its body, cleansing itself of the blood and fluids that had accumulated on its sparkling body.

    “Yes!” Dorian exclaimed, clicking his heels together as he took a flying leap toward his Pokemon. Scratching the Pokemon’s stomach in the fashion it had grown accustomed to, he asked, “Feels better doesn’t it?”

    “Brava,” his Pokemon nodded, swishing its new tail from side to side.

    Shelton rushed up as well, their Pokemon following close behind. She then proceeded to shower the vibration Pokemon with praise. Their Pokemon all took turns speaking to Vibrava, even Machop, releasing one hand from Shelton’s waist as he inspected the newly evolved Pokemon.

    Dorian was glad to know that his Vibrava would not be suffering the same pains as it did as a Trapinch, and that it was one day closer to becoming the mystical Flygon.

    “Vibrava,” the dragon whispered, resting its head on Dorian’s shoes.

    “It’s probably tired. That was quite an ordeal it went through,” Shelton explained.

    “You’re right,” Dorian said, taking out its Pokeball. “I’m proud of you buddy.”

    He returned the Pokemon to its Pokeball, hoping that it would find the rest it needed.

    They had been traveling for almost two days, stopping on the far east side of Route 27 to make camp for the night. The area was quiet enough, save for the flock of Pidgey’s indignantly squawking at them from the shade of a nearby oak tree.

    Shelton and Dorian gathered their supplies, packing up the collapsible tent and hurriedly shoving separate pieces in their bags. The Pokemon that didn’t want to walk were returned to their balls, leaving Shuppet, Machop, Nuzleaf and Growlithe out to stroll beside their owners. Downing their breakfast as they travelled, conversation soon turned to figuring out the fastest way to get to their destination.

    “I think we should go through that new route they’re building to bypass the reception area and go straight to Route 22,” Dorian suggested.

    “They said on the radio earlier that it’s not even close to finished yet,” Shelton countered. “Something about a roving gang of rock type Pokemon who are pissed at the construction crews. Apparently they’ve caused a ton of damage, setting them back almost a month.”

    “But we're not part of the construction crew. Besides, it’s just the two of us. I doubt the Pokemon would perceive us as a threat if we just keep to ourselves and wander through.”

    “True, but they haven’t even built the road yet. Right now it’s just a thirty foot wide path with a rock face to the left and a sheer cliff to the right.”

    “Well, it’s a little edgy, but it will shave so much time off the trip. If we go through the reception area, it’ll take at least a day to get through all the checkpoints to get to Route 22. Plus, last time I checked, both our trainer cards are expired.”

    “That’s only because those fascists at the registration office tried to charge us an extra fee for missing our appointment,” Shelton said.

    “Regardless, I don’t want to waste time if we don’t have to,” Dorian said. “We’re more than capable of walking a straight line.”

    Dorian noticed a tall sign a few yards up ahead, signaling with an arrow that they needed to start heading north to connect with Route 26. He rubbed his left eye to quell the slight itch that had developed, noticing two shapes zooming across the sky. He thought at first it was just some random bird Pokemon, until he noticed that both shapes were humanoid, moving with speed in the direction they were walking away from. The sight made him anxious for some reason; no flying type Pokemon he knew of had a body like that.

    “Do you see that?” Dorian asked, touching Shelton on the shoulder and pointing towards the two shapes with his other hand.

    “See what?” Shelton asked, scanning the sky.

    “Those Pokemon,” Dorian explained. When he tried to find them again though, they had vanished. He stood there for another thirty seconds or so, but they had either sped up and gone further than he could see, or passed into the low hanging clouds that were gathering across the sky.

    “What are you talking about?” Shelton asked, giving him a contemptuous look.

    “Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “Come on.”


    The feeling of the crisp, frosty air on his skin made Ethan shiver, instinctively crossing his arms against his chest in an effort to warm himself. They passed through clouds gracefully, moisture collecting on their bodies. The land below was a brown-green blur, the roads snaking through the trees like an endless Seviper. They had been flying across Kanto for a day and a half, crossing the border into Johto almost an hour ago.

    Ethan’s Alakazam’s remarkable mental abilities made it possible for him to lift them telekinetically; shortening the time it would take them to cross the distance normally. Psychic energy lightly glowed around his chest, the anchor point that he was being carried from. His Alakazam was sitting cross legged in the air, eyes closed, not needing them as he felt the air and the land below with his astounding mental abilities.

    “Kazam,” his Pokemon said, his words straining to reach Ethan over the howling wind.

    Following his Pokemon’s pointing finger, he spied six figures on the ground below. They moved as a unit, keeping synch as they traversed the smooth path below. One of the figures, a human judging by the shape, stopped and looked at them as they flew past, the others in its group continuing their stride. As Ethan watched, the figure motioned to another human, pointing with one hand to where he and Alakazam were flying. Not wanting to be recognized, he called out to Alakazam.

    “Through that cloud,” Ethan said, pointing to a nearby puff.

    “Ala,” he grunted, giving them both an extra spurt of speed.

    By the time the other human had looked up, they were inside the cloud, hiding them from prying eyes. Knowing that they were safe for the moment, Ethan relaxed. It was strange though; the first human had given him an odd sensation as he looked down at their group, a momentary feeling of anxiousness, as if the man or woman below had somehow wronged him.

    “Keep us in the clouds until we get there,” Ethan told his Pokemon.

    “Kazam,” the psychic type agreed, reducing their speed slightly for extra directional control. Moving them higher, they cruised at a slower speed, making sure to keep their presence hidden in the thick layer of clouds.

    “Cherrygrove should only be about another two hours away,” Ethan said, sending Alakazam a mental picture of a small gravel path on the outskirts of the city.

    Plucking the image of the gravel path from Ethan’s mind, the Pokemon ran through his memories of Cherrygrove City, trying to decide on an inconspicuous place to put them down once they reached their destination.


    “Look kid, I’m not in the mood to battle you,” Dorian said, his mood bypassing annoyance and going straight to exasperation. “I don’t care if we locked eyes, I don’t have to adhere to your need to prove yourself. How old are you anyway? Twelve?”

    “I’m fourteen!” the kid yelled. “It’s in the rules! If you look at me, and I look back at you, we have to battle. I’ll call the Pokemon Battle Association if you don’t!”

    “What makes you think I care? Do you think that’s going to change my mind? Kid, before you threaten someone, you need to make sure you have something to take away from them.”

    “You’re just scared,” the adolescent surmised. “You know Beedrill and I would pound you senseless!”

    “Are you off your medication? I have at least twelve years experience on you,” Dorian said, bringing his head down to the teen’s level. “Where are your parents? I’m feeling the sudden urge to tell them what an annoying little bastard you are.”

    “They’re back in Kanto, not that it’s any of your damn business!”

    “And you said you were fourteen? What kind of negligent parents send their kids out by themselves at that age?”

    “They have faith in me!”

    “The only thing they should have faith in is that their son is about to get drop kicked in the head,” Dorian said, taking a step closer.

    “Dorian, if you touch that kid I’m going to have Golduck toss you a quarter mile,” Shelton chimed in.

    The roommates and their Pokemon had been nearing the end of Route 26, when a young boy had burst out from the bushes to their right, his Beedrill buzzing along behind him. Clad entirely in purple clothes, including his hat, the fair-haired youth had walked right up to Dorian and challenged him to a fight. Normally, putting an over confident youth in his place appealed to Dorian, but they were on a schedule, a timeline which would net him and Shelton a lot of credits if they stuck to it. The little punk had spirit, which Dorian admired, but schooling this kid in a match was not an option if it cost him his payday.

    “I’m going to walk away now, count yourself lucky,” Dorian told the kid, motioning for Shelton to follow his lead. Turning away from the worked up teenager, he started walking forward, his anger beginning to subside. It was at that moment that the teen called him the one thing that put him over the edge.


    Turning around slowly, Dorian dropped his backpack to the ground, his eyes ablaze with righteous determination.

    “Here we go,” Shelton sighed, lowering herself to the ground. Leaning her head on Machop’s shoulder, she said, “Can you at least make this quick?”

    “Terms?” Dorian asked, his voice laced with venom.

    “One Pokemon each, sixty credits to the winner,” the kid replied, stomping out a spot in the ground with his foot.

    Striding forward, Dorian opened his wallet and deposited the agreed amount on the spot, his violet clad counterpart following suit. Taking up positions about sixty feet away from one another, the trainers each reached towards their wrists and activated their Pokeflects. A quick chirp later, and both of them were enveloped in a creamy blue glow. The kid started making small jumps up and down, pumping himself up.

    “Twenty credits says he smokes you!” Shelton called out, moving herself in front of Machop and activating her own Pokeflect.

    “Whatever,” Dorian whispered.

    “I lead with Beedrill!” the kid yelled.

    “Stop screaming, I can hear you,” Dorian said, rolling his eyes. Seeing a quick way to end the match, he called over Growlithe from where it was laying next to Shelton.

    “Listen to me and we’ll get through this quick,” Dorian said, smiling at the dog Pokemon.

    “Growlithe,” he barked, giving his new master a quick nod.

    “Ready whenever you are, junior,” Dorian called, taunting the upstart kid. “Take some notes while this is going on. You might actually learn some-“

    Last edited: Mar 28, 2012
  17. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Lone Vanguard

    Just missing an o. Good.

    Since there's a comma before the end quotation the t does not need to be capital.

    Everyone else hit the earlier chapters before I could. I've noticed you switched from calling Pokemon by genders to calling them it. It's a consistency issue. Once you decide on a gender then stick to it. Other than that, every one has pointed out the mistakes. Chapter four was great and it ended on a cliffhanger. I wonder if Dorian can pull a win out. One I thing I found odd was that he battled a wild Marshtomp in Johto. Oh and strap on the nitro is my new catchphrase. I hope you don't mind if I steal it :p I was laughing pretty hard when I read that.
  18. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Thanks for the review!

    I went ahead and corrected the things you pointed out. Thanks for bringing them to my attention.

    Stuff like that is going to happen alot in my fic. It has never made sense to me why certain Pokemon are only found in certain regions. Especially in Hoenn, Johto, and Kanto since the regions are so close together. I really don't think that in the wild, Pokemon would stick to man-made borders. Thanks for recognizing that; I was wondering who would bring it up first. I appreciate you paying attention, and I really appreciate the review!

    I don't mind at all lol. Spread it around. I use it everyday. My friends hate it haha
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012
  19. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    I see what you mean by filler chapter; I finished it then thought "actually, what has happened in this chapter?" and gone back and saw only three key points. They were good points though, so carry on the good work.

    I understand how Pokemon won't adhere to man-made boundaries, but remember that Hoenn is actually an island, so be careful.

    I like the cliffhanger especially.
  20. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Thanks for the review. I'm glad you keep coming back, it means alot.

    I see what you mean, and that's a good point to bring up; I appreciate it. The way I see it though, Over hundreds of years, whether by trainer, or companion, or by sheer luck or chance, Pokemon would have spread over every piece of land. For example if two trainers both bring a Mudkip to Kanto, and for some reason they both die, I'm assuming that their Pokemon are released back into the wild. Maybe they find each other, maybe they breed, and bingo! Mudkips in Kanto. A stretch I know, but that's what goes through my head

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