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Forsaken

Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
Oh yeah! I disliked the swearing because what about the little ten year olds that capture (or try to) and battle with them? It's kind of messed up to think about that. :)|)

Well, the kids wouldn't have understood them anyway XD. Not all of the Legendaries can speak to humans.

Okie-dokie, now that a lot of madness is out of the way for me, I have all this next week to write. I doubt the next chapter will be finished this week, due to its wicked length, but hopefully it'll replenish my muse. It's been a hassle trying to juggle schoolwork and other things along with this. So yeah, just letting you all know. I would've liked for the chapter to be finished so it would have been my Christmas gift, but aw well, what can you do?

Oh yeah, since I know you're out there, I just wanna tell my silent readers thanks for sticking with this so far. Your silent presences do mean more than you think.
 

Ranicula2

Dragon Lord
I've read a lot of pokemon fan-fics so far and never considered them worth reviewing (although some were pretty interesting). But this has got to be the only one that's had me read all night as well (though think i passed out at 6 am due to exhaustion and strain on eyes though) :p. I hope you write more fanfics like this one, that have such depth and character development, and i will be a faithful follower ^^.

P.S. this is the first time i've ever considered posting for something, it was that good. I'm not really a poster lol
 
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Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
I've read a lot of pokemon fan-fics so far and never considered them worth reviewing (although some were pretty interesting). But this has got to be the only one that's had me read all night as well (though think i passed out at 6 am due to exhaustion and strain on eyes though) :p. I hope you write more fanfics like this one, that have such depth and character development, and i will be a faithful follower ^^.

P.S. this is the first time i've ever considered posting for something, it was that good. I'm not really a poster lol

o.o; It was never my intention to bring you to exhaustion, but I suppose it does its job if it keeps someone interested in reading it. I'm glad you're enjoying it, I just don't want you (and everyone else in general) losing sleep over it xD. And I do hope to continue making stories like this, I have quite a few I've put on hold for this, but chances are they might not be put on this site. Who knows, though I don't know many Looney Tunes and Kirby fans here, lol.

And don't worry, your first review did its job, though it won't hurt to practice writing reviews, as they are a writer's fuel and way of contacting their audience. I appreciate it a lot, thanks, Ranicula ^^, I needed the motivation. *puffs out chest and opens document*
 

DragonKingUK

Dragon King
I love all the detail you put in the story and i also like how you done your characters. the part i really like is how you given each legendary amazing characteristics. The Personalities are great for them. i love the way you use your words the plot is really interesting and not boring at all

I dont tend to read long fan fics but with this one it really grabbed me. you are an amazing. well done i enjoyed the fan fic a lot
 
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Treecko's Awesomeness

Treecko is claimed!
Well, here I am from the review game, of which you are still the next writer to review. Anyway, I'm reviewing the first chapter.

OPENING: Great. The shock of the initial statement was a good touch. When I first opened up the fic, I was greeted by an introduction to a great plot. The focus on the legendaries, even though I knew it coming here, was an interesting concept. The whole idea intrigues me, and kept me wanting to read.

WRITING: Your style's great. The word choice, especially. One thing that could use work, though, is description. I found it a bit hard to visualize some parts of the chapter, so including a bit more of it might help. You may have already fixed this later on, I guess, but this is just a one chapter review, so moving on.

CHARACTERS: Pretty good, but they could be better. There were quite a few of them, and the story did only just star, so it's understandable that not all of them are fully developed. It may have been better, though, to focus more on the main characters. I really had completely forgotten that Mewtwo and Mew were even there for a while.

PLOT: Shaping up extremely well. The idea of the legendary Pokemon of the world teaming up to stop a war is a very interesting concept to me. That combined with Mew's illness and Mewtwo's reluctant help look like a great story beginning to form.

All in all, awesome. I don't usually read shipping fics, but this is easily the best one I've ever seen.

-TA
 

The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
I'm going to do the first chapter for the Review Game first. After that, I'll work on catching up as I can.

So, let's get started.

Chapter One: Solemn Hour

“Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today
The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish Sweep o`er my sinking soul,
And I perish! I perish! dear Master. Oh, hasten and take control!”
-- “Master, the Tempest is Raging”, Hymn 105, verse two

As a start, this works out quite well. I don't usually see people manage to use this very effectively, but in this case, you pulled it off. Your selection of a passage (well, a hymn in this case) is well-suited for its placement at the very beginning of the story; it drew me in.

“WHAT! A world war?!”

Startled by the sudden outburst, Suicune bowed her head, her once-flowing mane drooped over her arched back. “Y-Yes, sir. Sinnoh was bombed by Orre, and the other regions are getting ready to come defend it. It's more likely than not to be a... world war...” The legendary North Wind grew silent, stricken with sorrow and aging before the Guardian's eyes. The ribbon tail refused to undulate about the legs, it instead lay trailing on the ground. Her crest laid upon her forehead lost its shine and was now a dull, melancholy green. Her delicate fur was suddenly noticed to be smudged with dust clinging to her in clumps. Black and blue surrounded her dull eyes, indicating her lack of sleep. She was pitiful, unworthy to stand before someone whom she was once equally revered to.

Ho-oh nodded at his creation before craning his neck to the red-violet sky. It was still daytime, past noon, but it was cloudy—rain was probable. Though he looked forward to rainstorms, he feared these rains. Pollution had infected the vapor, turning it into acid rain. He became hesitant to fly around and create his famous rainbows. But then again, he was finding himself unable to fabricate them. Once able to shine with the colors of the rainbow, the phoenix could now only gleam at a perfect angle, his feathers now worn and battered. Unless the sun hit him just right, he wouldn't be able to glow. The crown atop of his head was being pulled by gravity, hanging in sight, and his fiery eyes were burning out. It was unclear whether they were becoming mortal, or if the stress was getting to be a huge burden.

First off, I'm not quite certain the description is completely to my liking. It certainly isn't bad, I'll say that off the top, but I think it might be a little too extensive for my tastes. I don't want that to sound like too much of a complaint, though, because your writing style is otherwise excellent. Only two paragraphs in, and I know Suicune and Ho-oh rather well for being so early in the story.

So far, I'm intrigued quite a bit by the plot. From the very first line, you jumped right into a rather intense situation, but while it would be easy to lose that pacing, you managed to follow it up sufficiently enough so the pace would be sustained. This is helped by how well fleshed out Suicune and Ho-oh already are.

I also want to point out that even though little has actually happened so far, we know quite a bit.

The world had become more sinful to the point the Legendaries didn't dare show their faces. They could feel the evil expanding, and feared it was going to reach them as well. This fear was what caused them to start wilting from their high positions. As pollution became thicker and more prominent, Celebi was struggling to keep plant-life prosperous, resorting to using his life-source to do so. The last time Ho-oh saw him, he was beginning to turn a rusty color of rot. The eyes were still bright, but it wouldn't be long before they would dim. Jirachi, many years back, had eventually broken free of his sleeping spells, now using the stored energy from the Millennium Comet as his powers. However, because he never knew of the real world, it became a gut-wrenching experience for him. His cheerful face transitioned to a blank mask, and his wishing powers depleted. Darkrai, though he lived off nightmares, was being possessed with demons from the people he tried to haunt. It grew difficult for him to find true fear to feed, and he fled to isolate himself away from civilization. Even Giratina had to get away from the world, and would only come out of his dimension if the Legendaries needed him.

It really hits me hard how some of the Legendaries are changing due to this threat that you're detailing. Celebi and Jirachi are especially poignant examples of this, along with the struggles they have with their powers now. It's also a good idea to show the 'darker' Legendaries, like Darkrai and Giratina, having problems.

However, even though all the Legendaries were being afflicted by the ever-increasing evil, Mew was hit the hardest. As the world grew more wicked, she became ill, unable to properly do her duties as Guardian of the Tree of Beginnings, and keep her home, the Amazon, from being destroyed. Her powers started to weaken, and her optimistic nature diminished. Unwilling to eat, and already tiny as she is, Mew lost weight. A few times she had mentioned she was developing suicidal thoughts from the stress she was receiving, but thankfully never acted upon it when her friends came to check up on her daily. Even so, when he saw her months ago, she didn't look herself, more notably in the eyes. Her sapphire eyes used to sparkle day and night from her pure soul. Now, she had shown her experience at last, and her innocent spirit had been broken. The poor thing was all that was left of the sweet creature he once knew.

I notice a few things in this rather striking paragraph. For one, you seem to focus on the eyes as a point of expressing condition. This is effective, but it could get repetitive. You're avoiding that by attaching reasons (ie: "sparkle day and night from her pure soul") to the eye references.

That said, I think this paragraph may still have gone a bit over the top. I'm particularly hit by the "suicidal thoughts" part, which just felt a little forced. It turned me off a little.

It had been decades since many of the Legendaries saw each other, and thus the gathering felt more like a memorial than a conference. Old friends worriedly examined each other, taking in the shell of what was once their glorified selves. Life-time rivals only stared pitifully one to another at what remained of their strength and boisterous powers. Siblings huddled together as though trying to hold themselves up higher for a little longer, leaning on each other for support or comfort. No one spoke, nor sent telepathic messages across the field, instead sitting deathly silent in their assigned places, waiting for the meeting to begin. Ho-oh stood at the forest's edge, watching the skies and the surrounding land. There were a few still unaccounted for, but they were coming, Suicune made sure of it. Besides, none of them would dare ditch a gathering important as this. Had it been more of a casual assembly, he wouldn't have bothered taking the time to usher them into the clearing, and there'd be plenty of empty seats sticking out from the crowd.

Hmmm. I find that it may be dragging a small bit here, but 'gathering' scenes don't usually sit well with me. It is a necessary scene, though, and you do handle it well.

The dynamic between Ho-oh and Suicune is intriguing to me, though. There's an interesting master/deputy relationship that I see developing between them, and I think it could hold some potential to affect the other characters later.

Each took turns looking at one to another, and the eldest, Azelf, replied quietly, “To be honest, we don't know. We haven't left each other's company for quite some time.”

“Fifteen years and seven months,” Uxie muttered, head still dropped. One of his tails weakly flicked.

I'm a little confused here. They've abandoned protecting the lakes? I know I'll get an explanation later, though I probably would feel better if I had one now. I would like to know more about the circumstances around this sooner.

Finally turning his head, the bird acknowledged the beings at his side. He had not seen the psycat in years, but nothing was out of the ordinary in his appearance. Mewtwo still stood proud in place, tail curled behind him in tranquility. His bony arms remained at his sides, hands clenched in loose fists. The color was still visible even in the face, showing he was taking care of himself. Meeting his gaze briefly, Ho-oh wasn't surprised that the feline's eyes were hard and vibrant as ever, even though the stare was calm with decades of peace he had managed to find. Levitating close by was his counterpart, tiny in contrast to her clone. She refused to look up at either of the two, preferring to keep her eyes on the ground. She wasn't in shame, but her broken spirit caused her to retreat into her mind, forcing her to blank out and barricade herself from the world. By the looks of how attenuated she became and the wavering of her levitation, Mew still wasn't eating; how long ago she last ate, he couldn't tell. From what he knew about her physique and metabolism, she shouldn't still be able to hold herself up.

As though he had read his mind, Mewtwo serenely expressed, “When I went to fetch her, she had grown too weak to transport herself. She was lying in the Tree, awaiting death I assume.” A faint, rather protesting whimper came from the mentioned Legendary at the comment, though they could see in her pale eyes she wasn't subconsciously present. It was believed among the Legendaries that when Mew withdrew into her mind, she tuned out her surroundings. There was a chance she didn't hear a word.

I'll be honest, this is the first part I really don't care for much at all. I don't like some of the wording (psycat?) and, to be brutally honest, I'm finding it a bit hard to swallow this kind of personality coming out of Mewtwo. It just doesn't feel right.

Of course, I could be wrong and he may improve his personality later on. I hope that happens. That said, Mew's presence here is rather provocative of speculation through her condition.

I would like to point out that it really feels like it's beginning to drag here, and I would like to see more happening. Also, I understand that you really want to get across how terrible the world is now, but I feel like I've gotten the idea by this point and I don't feel like I need to be reminded so vividly as often anymore.

The tiny terrier was already in her place, choosing to take the form of her Sky Forme, as her Land Forme was too squeaky and quiet. Having once stood tall and proud, Shaymin's petal scarf had wilted into an unhealthy brown, frayed at the edges. Her fur was matted and dusty, ears drooping to below her chin. Casting her eyes about mournfully at what remained of the mighty Legendaries, she began in a hard voice:

When you say "tall and proud," I assume you mean in relation to Shaymin's body, correct?

“Brethren and sisters. We have been called together because the unthinkable has happened. It's been rumored, if not yet declared, that we are to be in a world war. This morning, at approximately 0500 hours, the beloved region of Sinnoh had been mercilessly bombed by Orre.” A few gasped murmurs from those who hadn't heard the terrible news livened in small groups. Others bowed their heads in silent respect. Shaymin continued. “The damage done is monstrous and heart-breaking. It is believed thousands of humans and Pokémon have lost their lives in this attack. Thanks to a scoping of the area by Rayquaza and Giratina, we have assembled the damage reports.”

The gathering held their breaths as Shaymin closed her eyes in thought. She gave the account slowly and solemnly. “Judging by radiation percentage collected, the first of Orre's aircrafts flew over the south-western portion of Sinnoh. There were no major cities in that area, but they dropped one of their bombs either intentionally or through some freak accident. Believed to be the largest of the bombs, it landed on Twinleaf Town, destroying the entire community and its surrounding areas as follows: Sandgom Town; Jubilife City; a portion of Canalave City at the south-east section; Lake Verity.”

Okay, now I'm confused slightly. This is the action I've been waiting for, but it brings some new questions that rise up in my head.

What is the balance of power between Pokemon and humans in this world? To this point we have only seen Pokemon, and this is the most explicit mention of humans yet. I understand now that the humans' actions are what is destroying the world, so is this a world where the humans and Pokemon once had a deeper bond but it went bad?

Also, Sandgem Town.

“And we're awfully sorry for what has happened,” the Gratitude Legendary acknowledged, bowing her head slightly.

I don't fully understand the context of this line. Is this a general, wide-reaching apology ("we're sorry this had to happen to you") or a specific apology ("I'm sorry it happened to you" as in apologizing for taking the actions)?

“Deoxys, thousands of people and Pokémon died because of this!” Cresselia blurted out, feeling ready to go into hysterics. The crescents on her back gave a weak glimmer in the light as she leaned past a startled Darkrai for a better look. “This is why they're going to war! It's a catastrophe!”

I like the inversion of expectations between Cresselia and Darkrai's personalities. You would anticipate that the opposite one would have the personality that each one does.

“Same reason you are, toots,” he cheekily said.

Deoxys is rapidly becoming my favorite out of this entire group of characters. He's incredibly entertaining, and the arguments beginning to sprout up around him are livening up the story.

“'Woman hath fury' mean anything to you?” she spat, eyes glowing a pale pink.

Hell yeah, I laughed.

“One of our most gentle members has begun to release the beast that threatens to consume us all. The world's demons are upon us, but it's up to the individual to allow them to possess or to continue battling until the end. It's fortunate on Cresselia's part that she is surrounded by friends at this time, but what if no one was around her? What then? Legendaries, this is a dangerous time to be cocky. We cannot afford to fight with one another. Your idiotic rivalries have to end now like they should have centuries ago.” He noticed Groudon and Kyogre side-glancing at each other from where they stood (or in the whale's case, half-submerged in the lake that rested off a ways). “As of today, no one is allowed to return home without being accompanied, if you haven't been already. Siblings shall share the same resting place. Friends shall be neighbors. Rivals shall be the friends. Make up your differences and find other ways to get along. While the whole world may be in war, we must not be part of that war. As protectors of this world, we must be the example.” With a curt nod, Ho-oh briskly walked back to his seat, giving Shaymin the floor.

This paragraph ties the important parts of what's happened so far together quite well. It was easy to know that the evil of the world was destroying them, but this establishes the mental and physical effects on the Legendaries in even more explicit terms. The roles they must take up make sense.

But then something blindsided me like a speeding train: Ho-oh walked back to his seat?

though Latias cried out happily and gave him a hug (he was quickly rescued by Latios).

Stylistic difference, but I personally don't care for parentheses in description like this. I would have written it as "...gave him a hug, though he was quickly rescued by Latios."

I have been receiving reports of unusual weather abnormalities across the globe, mainly in the seas.

I think I know the reason for this happening, and it kind of surprises me the Legendaries don't. Though, on the other hand, if they do not understand human science, it could be explained.

There was another silent moment before Rayquaza cleared his throat in the back. “Um... do I really have to go back to the ozone layer?” he wondered, fiddling his claws. “I'm not too sure how many of you know this, but there's too much crap up there, and it hasn't been thinning out. As much as I like the view of the earth and space and all that, I can't stand seeing this hunk of tin cross my vision or bump into me every few minutes. I may have been taking out my anger on them and trying to clear my home out, but either they just keep sending more or it's only getting worse.”

You know, I really like this. This is an implication of Rayquaza residing in the ozone layer that cannot really be fully addressed in canon, but I like the idea a lot here. It fits perfectly in the setting you've established.

“Then I will take her with me.” The clone sharply stood up before the two, locking eyes with the Sky Guardian before him. “I do not wish to be with either of you. Honestly, I prefer going alone. But if you insist, then I will give in to your demand just this one time. And only this once.” His eyes illuminated glaringly to stress his seriousness, though his answer managed to please Ho-oh.

I don't know, I still can't really fathom Mewtwo in a conference of naturally-occurring Legendaries yet. Something just feels off.

When the great phoenix craned his neck to look back, Mewtwo had already departed where he stood, Mew gone with him. Shaymin backed up, eyes threatening to brim with tears, head bent in a silent prayer. Sighing, he raised his vision back to the heavens. “May Arceus be with us all.”

*~*~*

A very strong ending. You left right on the point where things would start to happen, but not where the cliffhanger is infuriating because of its placement. What you've done is get the reader excited for what will happen next while not actually giving any of said events yet. It's an excellent place to end a chapter.

Overall, I'd sum up my thoughts as positive to mixed-to-positive at worst. The story, judging by the first chapter, has a large hand of strong points, among them a rich setting that is dramatically different than what one usually sees in a Pokemon story; an incredibly likable cast of characters with many differing personalities; strong writing and finally, smooth, natural dialogue that never felt out of place. However, the many pluses are tempered a bit by a few negatives. I'm sure that the plot will begin picking up soon, but by this chapter alone, it's moving very slowly. The slow pace is not to a fault, it is just harmlessly slow. Also, while the characters were very good, you introduced a lot of them all at once, and as a result, they had to jockey for spotlight, and some - like Raikou and Entei - felt tacked on. I feel that if you introduced them more slowly, piece by piece, everything would work out better.

Despite those few downsides, overall, I'm quite satisfied. I will be back for at least another chapter, for sure.
 

Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
I think I've held off on not replying to reviews long enough. Let's do this. *cracks knuckles*

I love all the detail you put in the story and i also like how you done your characters. the part i really like is how you given each legendary amazing characteristics. The Personalities are great for them. i love the way you use your words the plot is really interesting and not boring at all

I dont tend to read long fan fics but with this one it really grabbed me. you are an amazing. well done i enjoyed the fan fic a lot

I can see why this wasn't approved for the Review Thread, but I don't doubt you have read at least some of the story. I do wish you would explain why you liked some of them, but it's the thought that counts ^_^. So thanks for that!

WRITING: Your style's great. The word choice, especially. One thing that could use work, though, is description. I found it a bit hard to visualize some parts of the chapter, so including a bit more of it might help. You may have already fixed this later on, I guess, but this is just a one chapter review, so moving on.

Yeah, the first chapter's probably not the best place to pick out the description, now that I think of it. Like I'm sure many people will agree to, the first chapter is that one chapter the author tends to find fault in the most, because, well, it's the first chapter he/she ever wrote. They would get better over time, and it really is the writer's job to go back and fix up things to match their current style. I've been meaning to do that here. On FanFiction, I have gone back to fix up mistakes, I just haven't done that here, mainly because I wanted to wait until it was finished so I could have an entire week to just really fix up chapters. *shrugs*

Yeah, I'm lazy.

CHARACTERS: Pretty good, but they could be better. There were quite a few of them, and the story did only just star, so it's understandable that not all of them are fully developed. It may have been better, though, to focus more on the main characters. I really had completely forgotten that Mewtwo and Mew were even there for a while.

And the funny thing is, Mewtwo and Mew ARE the main characters XD. But the Legendaries have as much importance as they do, so I wanted to have them all there. It probably wasn't the right choice, but I did my best. I think I developed Ho-oh more than I did the two.

PLOT: Shaping up extremely well. The idea of the legendary Pokemon of the world teaming up to stop a war is a very interesting concept to me. That combined with Mew's illness and Mewtwo's reluctant help look like a great story beginning to form.

All in all, awesome. I don't usually read shipping fics, but this is easily the best one I've ever seen.

-TA

Thanks, Treecko. Glad you like it, and though I don't expect you to, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story ^^.

All right, Butler, I'm gonna do my best to answer.

As a start, this works out quite well. I don't usually see people manage to use this very effectively, but in this case, you pulled it off. Your selection of a passage (well, a hymn in this case) is well-suited for its placement at the very beginning of the story; it drew me in.

Hmm, so now I'm hearing two different sides: some get pulled in immediately from the start of the chapter, others was drawn in because of the hymn. People have different ways of being attracted, so I find that interesting.

First off, I'm not quite certain the description is completely to my liking. It certainly isn't bad, I'll say that off the top, but I think it might be a little too extensive for my tastes. I don't want that to sound like too much of a complaint, though, because your writing style is otherwise excellent. Only two paragraphs in, and I know Suicune and Ho-oh rather well for being so early in the story.

Yeah, back in the day (and somewhat still today), I was big on description. I was always told "you need more description here", and I've tried to make sure I had a good description of what was going on, on the surroundings, and so forth. I do realize I tend to over-do it, but how I over-do it always eludes me, since I don't want too little, or even too much. So while description is one of my best abilities, I suppose I let it get to me quite often. I'll be doing a final edit sometime in the future, so I'll make sure to pay attention to the descriptions.

I notice a few things in this rather striking paragraph. For one, you seem to focus on the eyes as a point of expressing condition. This is effective, but it could get repetitive. You're avoiding that by attaching reasons (ie: "sparkle day and night from her pure soul") to the eye references.

That said, I think this paragraph may still have gone a bit over the top. I'm particularly hit by the "suicidal thoughts" part, which just felt a little forced. It turned me off a little.

I think I have an eye fetish XD. But I love eyes, and I actually refer to them a LOT in this story. It could be the whole "windows to the soul" thing I really love about eyes, but I find them beautiful, and you really can see emotion through them. Especially since in cartoons, film and art (pfft, I should just say "art"), eyes are used to their advantage.

xD I always knew there was something off in the beginning paragraphs, but I guess I did go a little too far there.

Hmmm. I find that it may be dragging a small bit here, but 'gathering' scenes don't usually sit well with me. It is a necessary scene, though, and you do handle it well.

Oh, good, I was sure I knew I wrote the conference well, I remember enjoying writing it out. Of course, I had to get used to the characters I was going to be using throughout the story, so technically the whole cast of characters throughout the story could be technically a "gathering" scene wherever they are. Because they gather as a group at the end of the day? *shrugs*

I'm a little confused here. They've abandoned protecting the lakes? I know I'll get an explanation later, though I probably would feel better if I had one now. I would like to know more about the circumstances around this sooner.

^_^; It made sense back then... but I figured it was because the whole world was falling apart, and it affected them in such a way, they couldn't be separate for too long? I can't remember anymore why I had that there. I guess it was the whole "they're siblings" thing that made me remember my own brothers. I don't like hanging out around them a lot, but I don't like being separated from them for long periods of time. Especially at a hard time.

That's my excuse I know of right now. *shrugs (again)*

I'll be honest, this is the first part I really don't care for much at all. I don't like some of the wording (psycat?) and, to be brutally honest, I'm finding it a bit hard to swallow this kind of personality coming out of Mewtwo. It just doesn't feel right.

Yeah, I need a better terminology than "psycat", but I really can't think of anything, and I don't want to always call him "clone" even though he is. So that has always stuck with me through the years. Every time I write it out, though, I'm always thinking "Someone out there doesn't like that word", and I've made it a goal of mine to come up with something else to call him. But I haven't yet. I have tried to keep from using it a lot, but I have issues with seeing names being mentioned once every paragraph or two. It bugs me for some reason, and pronouns get very vague very fast.

When you say "tall and proud," I assume you mean in relation to Shaymin's body, correct?

It was more of a "bold" personality, that she always has her head held high. I should have worded that differently

Okay, now I'm confused slightly. This is the action I've been waiting for, but it brings some new questions that rise up in my head.

What is the balance of power between Pokemon and humans in this world? To this point we have only seen Pokemon, and this is the most explicit mention of humans yet. I understand now that the humans' actions are what is destroying the world, so is this a world where the humans and Pokemon once had a deeper bond but it went bad?

Also, Sandgem Town.

Um... well, thinking back to the role of humans in the story, while I'm not portraying humans as beings that like to destroy the world for the heck of it, they're more-or-less doing it unintentionally. But what I touch on more than anything about the humans is how they forgot their origins as time went on. It was a way to tie it to our world, where people just forget who they happen to be, we're fickle-minded that way. The world gets more and more chaotic as years go by, and we somehow accept that, thinking it won't affect us in the long-run, as we're supposedly safe in our own little part of the world. But nevertheless, it always catches up to us.

This is how I portray the future of the Pokémon world. While there are good people, the bad people seem to be the ones in control, and thus they are more prominent. And actions rub off on people very easily. Humans and Pokémon are always said to work together and live off each other, in lack of a better term, but if one just gets a little more power than the other, then the balance is thrown off. If nothing's done about it early on, then it gets out of control. This is what I imagine would happen. Granted, I took elements from our own world, but it seemed to work well here for me. The human characters in Pokémon act pretty much how we do, so the two worlds aren't exactly different in morals and how we live.

The Legendaries live long enough to watch the world change dramatically for the better or for the worse. It would make sense for them to either do something about it, or just let it go because it's the way of life, and thus assimilate themselves into the present. They can't be in between. And as time went on, they got more and more tired of being immortal, and some, if not all, stopped caring.

Hope that made sense.

Where the heck did I get that "o" from o_o;? Then again at the time, I knew little to nothing about the Sinnoh region itself, so I really had to look up a map of it. Yeah...

I don't fully understand the context of this line. Is this a general, wide-reaching apology ("we're sorry this had to happen to you") or a specific apology ("I'm sorry it happened to you" as in apologizing for taking the actions)?

Um... I don't remember xD? Probably the first one. She is being sincere about it, so... I dunno.

Deoxys is rapidly becoming my favorite out of this entire group of characters. He's incredibly entertaining, and the arguments beginning to sprout up around him are livening up the story.

Deoxys. You either hate him or love him. I enjoy writing out his character, even though when I had him in mind, I was thinking of the Deoxys from the movie. However, the implication is there that there are more of them out there, so I figured one arrived on Earth and decided to stay. And since Rayquaza never did seem to "let it go", the two have remained rivals if only for different reasons.

So in a way, this Deoxys is someone I'm free to decide what personality he'll have. I went ahead and went with a smart-aleck perverted personality for... whatever reason. It's one of those few traits that carried over from the many years of my brothers and I portraying each and every Legendary.

The rivalry between him and Cresselia was something that just came up out of nowhere in this chapter, so I decided to go ahead and run with it. Every time they have an argument, it's always my favorite to write out, and I enjoy every word.

This paragraph ties the important parts of what's happened so far together quite well. It was easy to know that the evil of the world was destroying them, but this establishes the mental and physical effects on the Legendaries in even more explicit terms. The roles they must take up make sense.

But then something blindsided me like a speeding train: Ho-oh walked back to his seat?

I love Ho-oh's speech. I wanted to show his leadership by him reminding everyone of what was going on, but I guess it had a deeper meaning than I thought. It's sad I never pay attention to what I write, but that's what readers like you are for ^_^. And it's also because everyone has a different view on stories. Fridge Brilliance at its finest.

xD Uh... yeah... he walked back to his seat. The space between the giant boulder/soap-box and the seat isn't that great of a distance... ^_^;

Stylistic difference, but I personally don't care for parentheses in description like this. I would have written it as "...gave him a hug, though he was quickly rescued by Latios."

I'll change it then if you'd like. I tend to either use parentheses or hyphens when doing extra detail like that. (I think I took that from J.K. Rowling or something.)

I think I know the reason for this happening, and it kind of surprises me the Legendaries don't. Though, on the other hand, if they do not understand human science, it could be explained.

Um... it was more of nature taking its course, but human activity had a hand in it, so... I guess...?

Yeah, you can tell it's been a long while since I remembered why I wrote it out the way I did.

I don't know, I still can't really fathom Mewtwo in a conference of naturally-occurring Legendaries yet. Something just feels off.

I think that's natural something should be off. He's technically the newest member, even if it's been about no more than a century since he's attended. He didn't join because the Legendaries didn't accept him, and also because he knew he was man-made, and would have been uncomfortable being there. So I guess it's a good thing you can't accept that fact...? Yay?

Also, while the characters were very good, you introduced a lot of them all at once, and as a result, they had to jockey for spotlight, and some - like Raikou and Entei - felt tacked on. I feel that if you introduced them more slowly, piece by piece, everything would work out better.

Yeah, I should have handled them differently here, but I at least wanted to mention who would be there, and at least hint at their personalities. They get better screentime as the story goes on, thankfully. And you might actually like Entei like everyone else does.

Thanks a lot for the review, Butler! I'll repay the favor soon as I can!

Whew, that took a long while. Thanks again for the reviews, I appreciate it. I especially needed the boost. I'm still struggling with the climax, but it's coming along slowly. I have a term break coming up, so I may pick up the pace then. We'll have to wait and see.
 

iCakeify

Luxray Fanboy
I wish I had time to read this again :<

EDIT: Read the 2 latest chapter. Chapter 18 is my fave so far. Romance and erotic stuff. Who dosen't like that?
 
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ChloboShoka

Writer
Any chance that you listen to Within Temptation? When I was reading, a lot of parts and chapter titles remind me of their music, especially their fourth album, The Heart Of Everything. I really thought the story was brilliant because I liked it's intense atmosphere. I thought everything was well described and thought it was interesting how the legendary pokemon interacted with each other.
 

Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
I wish I had time to read this again :<

EDIT: Read the 2 latest chapter. Chapter 18 is my fave so far. Romance and erotic stuff. Who dosen't like that?

Ah ha ha, glad you're still liking it ^^. Chapter 18 is a favorite, ain't it ;P. If I was to choose a favorite, it would be difficult, since it'd be up there with a few other chapters.

Any chance that you listen to Within Temptation? When I was reading, a lot of parts and chapter titles remind me of their music, especially their fourth album, The Heart Of Everything. I really thought the story was brilliant because I liked it's intense atmosphere. I thought everything was well described and thought it was interesting how the legendary pokemon interacted with each other.

Heck yes I do! I love Within Temptation. The first album I got of theirs was actually The Heart of Everything, really intense album. Has some of the best music in my opinion. Funny enough, though, I don't think I ever listened to a piece of theirs while writing any of the chapters, but yes, a few of their songs have actually been part of the inspiration, "Forsaken" especially (which is where I got the name from).

Anyway, enough gushing over music. Thank you, I'm happy it's gone well! This really is different from my usual style of writing, and some parts were a bit of an experiment, I worried over it a lot over the past couple of years. I keep expecting it to slip or something xD.

Motivation time! Hopefully I can finish one of the parts of chapter twenty and bring the percentage up to, like, fifteen XD. (Yeah, I'm so bad with math...)
 

Creeper

om nom nom
omgomgomg epic.

Just... woah. I've never really looked at fic before... and just wow. This is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. This is one of the only best fics I've seen. Kudos.
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Well,

Instead of me giving a chapter by chapter review, I feel like my review would be best suited to highlight the parts I liked, disliked, etc. Your Fic is so vast that it would be hard for me to do a review part by part. Mainly becuase there are so many parts that I liked that it would take me several hours to put in everything I wanted to talk about. Since I started the first chapter, I pulled up a word document and jotted down points that I wanted to touch on. If this seems somewhat jumbled and skips around a bit, please forgive me. And FYI, this is the first shipping fic I've ever read. To be completely honest, I only had a vague idea of what shippings were before I started your fic. Anyway,


First stop, the characters. Holy ****. By far the most well written, deep, and emotionally driven ensemble of characters I've ever met. They are all so distinct, so different, that I had to read back several chapters to visit them again just so I could make sure I had a full understanding of them. From Latias's whining (and yes, I wanted to punch her in the face several times), to Deoxys inappropriate banter (Yes, he's my favorite), to Entei's awkward moments (The bowel movements were hilarious), to the Regi brothers interractions (Regirock having to have the PERFECT rocks was so good I read it three times). These characters are some of the best I've ever read in a Pokemon Fanfiction, actually, they are some of the best I've ever read anywhere, period. And the thing I really can't get over the most is that you had to make all of them so different. Over thirty of them were so unique that I wonder what it would be like if you were only working with two or three. These characters have blown my mind in more ways than I can count and you've done an amazing job developing them.

The council was another nice touch. Reminded me of a few stories I've read when they got together. Some in the circle bickering, others paying attention, and some even not paying attention at all. At first, it somewhat annoyed me that some of them were not taking the situation seriously. And once again when the world ended and the fights and joking were still going on. Then I realized that it didn't annoy me, I liked it. Some of these supposedly all powerful immortal beings behaved liked children, even cracking sex jokes. But it fit what they were so perfectly. If you look at it logically, it makes perfect sense. Here they are having been alive for so many centuries that they're reverted back to adolescent egotisim (Not all of course, Ho-Oh is a welcome example). What would you do if you were the size of a two story home, lived forever, and had god-like power? I'd screw around as much as possible. Why not? There would be no one who could oppose me. I see it sometimes in vampire novels. These immortal beings have everything, with the years ahead stretching further than they can see. So they become rock gods, *****s, drug addicts, entrapanuers, petty, vulgar, etc. Just because someone is old, wise, and powerful, doesnt mean that they're mental state is like that of a humbled monk. I think the petty rivalries between characters (Especially Groudon/Kyogre, Rayquaza/Deoxys) were perfect. The off handed mumbles about the other being stupid, or a dumb *** really worked well, and added to the happy parts of the story.

Next, the world being destroyed. When I was reading this, I really couldn't believe it. That was a bold move on your part, and not one that I see in very many books, Pokemon especially. 33 left alive, and nothing to do. It made sense for them to bury the bodies as well, I can't tell you how many postapocolyptic stories I've read where there are literally mountains of bodies everywhere, and the characters just seem to forget about it. I thought that Entei summed it up best in chapter 5 when he simply said, "This sucks"...It was perfect, and really made me laugh. I mean, what else is there to say? They failed to stop it (Not that they ever really could to begin with), everything is gone, and as much as it might annoy some of them, they're stuck together, and it blows. Destroying everything worked really well; I had my doubts but you pulled it off spectacuarly. Great work!

While I'm on the subject of the destruction, the most powerful moment in the entire story to me was when Mewtwo watched Viridian being demolished. When he was going on about all the disgusting secrets it had, and how it deserved to be destroyed really moved me in a big way. I've felt the same about other things in my own life that I would have no sympathy for if they were taken away. That was the moment your story really started speaking to me. I felt what he was thinking, and I could visualize all of it. Really touching scene, Great job!

Mew's forced pregnancy was another part that really shocked me in a good way. I haven't read alot of Fanfiction, but I'm sure this is the most twistedly real thing I've ever read in one. I could picture all of it. The intentions of the scientists, Mew's confusion, her rage, etc. The whole situation was obviously well thought out and prepared. I got almost blurry eyed when she lost the baby, and almost cheered at her righteous anger when she attacked the assembled scientists. I'm a man, so I can't ever really understand what its like to have that person growing in your womb for so long, getting so attatched, then having it taken away against your will. Especially when the person that was making the decision did it because of what they thought was right. Mew's reaction was justified, and logical, and one thing that bothered me is that she felt bad about it. I wouldnt, and I would have gone alot farther with the destruction than she had.

Legion scares the crap out of me. From Manaphy's lashing, to the forceful kissing, to his general psychotic and raving behavoir, everything was beautifully/frighteningly well done. When I see such a commanding character in books or movies, I always try and pay attention to the underlings. If they are truely afraid, then I know that I have a reason to be as well. And all the other demons with all their power, were completely terrified of him, which added to the realism, and made me want to flip on my nightlight lol. One thing I formed a theory about though, was Legion's seduction of Mewtwo. I believe you explained that he wanted Mewtwo to impregnate Mew so they would have babies for he and his demons to possess and rule with. My first thought when I read that he wanted Mewtwo to have sex with Mew though, was that if Mewtwo copulated with Mew while he was possessing her, the baby that would be born would have Legion already inside of it. In a way, taking his immortal soul into a new being so he would not have to possess anything anymore and he would just be a physical person. The only flaw to that though is that I think you wrote that he wanted to be just this entity so that he would stay immortal, and if he was born as a new being, he might become mortal. I'm sure that goes completely off of the path of what you were trying to say, but it was just a theory I had that was later corrected when you explained that he just wanted to possess the children. I guess what I'm saying is that your story has the VERY unique ability to get me stop reading and formulate my own ideas of where it is going to go. And believe me, I amused myself for several hours at work yesterday trying to wrap my head around Legion, different theories, plot, etc.

I really didn't hit all the points I wanted to, just because I dont have the required time it would take to jot down everything I liked so I hope this will suffice. You've done something really great here KP. This is an epic story, and I'm glad I took the time to read it. Before you started telling us that the Climax is coming, I started to think that it was. I dont want it to end, but it feels right that its coming. Great job again, and I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.

Add me to the PM list if you don't mind.
 

Scaldaver

Limitless
Well, after two days of constant reading, it's finally due for my review (huh, that rhymes [whoa, Rayquaza flashback...]). Keep in mind this is from a person who doesn't care all too much for shipping or bad language, so take some things with a pinch of salt.

Well, the most attractive piece in this fic is the well-planned, deep and consistent natures of the Legendary Pokemon. I love the way in which they all interact, even though some appear completely forgotten about until the more recent chapters (*Regigigas sags his head*). I've got to say Deoxys is my favourite, not for the sexism or bad language but for the beautiful sarcasm I can relate with (my favourite being 'I feel young again! (or something like that) after Arceus youngified them). For this reason I love the council, and, like Sidewinder said, you've pulled off the old rivalries really well, and added some aspects we were not aware of that were really creative (like Suicune being more mature than Entei - I wouldn't have seen that coming in a million years).

The religious references are superb and give lots of effect to the finality and drama of some scenes (mainly the one with Arceus). Everything checks out, and it sort of broadens my religious perspective.

I have never been a fan of shipping, nor am I now particuarly, but the detail, emotion and action in this fic were enough to keep me hooked. I admit I don't care much for the Mewshipping (although you have portrayed it great, it is not my cup of tea), I find the best parts are when all the Legendaries are interacting together, even if they are not portrayed as one may expect (is Latias just filled with salt-water?).

I love the Darkrai-Cresselia thing going on, it seems so nice and natural and only vaguely hinted at the beggining.

There are only a few, petite holes I've managed to pick, though correct me if I accidentally skimmed over the answer or missed something obvious, as I can sometimes skip the occasional paragraph when they are all similar in length.

First of, and this is just from memory, remember, there was a bit that said Latias went vigilante in her hometown to protect it from murderers, thieves, etc, but almost got killed, etc, by said murderers, until Latias was called. But surely something which can help build a magical boundary around an entire town, or a creature that can move at supersonic speeds can get out of any mortal danger (at that time, of course)? Sure, the Legendaries were weakened, but that much?!

As well as this, the POVs get moved around constantly and you sometimes forget to mention who the subject is, or we get a tad confused (which is understandable, with all the Legendaries). For example, when a few Lenendaries are talking it's a bit hard to remember who is talking with who (as, for example, it can go, in talking: Groudon and Kyogre to Groudon and Rayquaza to Rayquaza and Deoxys to Deoxys and Cresselia to Cresselia and Shamin... etc). Sorry I can't pinpoint any exact bits, as this thing is truly mahoosive.

In my opinion, I think that Mewtwo talks a bit much, to Mew, to Legion and even to Ho-oh. I mean, yeah, he does talk about important stuff, but paragraph after paragraph of him talking seems to stretch it slightly, especially when it is a proper discussion between two people. In normal conversations, no-one ever says so much at one time. Maybe you could put a great deal of it in his thoughts? That way, relevant information to the topic is carried over but the reader gets more info. Just a thought.

Legion is great... hey, not in that way! I mean he is well described and does in fact seem like a being of pure evil. The only problem I have with his is that he over-describes his plans (where, logically, Legion could have got Mew pregnant with Mewtwo without revealing he is possessing her, which would make a lot more sense in my books). For example, he rambles on constantly about world domination, etc, and while the plans are perfect, they just bolster Mewtwo's resolution not to get Mew pregnant. P.S, I love the way you switched from calling Legion-Mew from she to he after it became clear to Mewtwo that Mew was all gone, very subtle yet clever.

I love the whole apocalypse thing, and I think you described the earth's death beautifully (along with the pitiful, beautifully crafted attempts at saving people by the Legendaries) and extremely well. Too well, I might think, when in a few chapters later we learn an entire Pokemon centre survived, as well as lots of plants, a home (in the last chapter I think), etc. We learn that the Legendaries are the only Pokemon alive, too. However, when dead Pokemon are raised from the dead, we expect them all to be evil and possessed by demons, as the demons revived them after all, and the pokemon attacked the Legendaries. Why then, a chapter or two later, do we get a nice omanyte giving Mewtwo a vial and offering him moral support? Is there something I missed, or were fossil Pokemon exempt from all the death (considering they survived for so long, anyway)?

I love all the game and Anime references, and as far as I know, they all check out great.

Overall, this ust be one of the best pieces of fanfiction I've ever read (except from the [detailed] mewshipping which I find slightly disturbing), and I can't wait until we reach the breathtaking conclusion! Sorry if i pointed out problems that weren't problems, and I'll happily edit this when shown straight.

P.S OMG YOU KILLED HEATRAN!!! THE ONE WHO ATE THE ROPE!!! HOW DARE YOU?!? BLASGDFIO'L#~VKDX!?!?!?!
 
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Chibi Pika

Stay positive
So, I'd always been curious about your fic, and the review game gave me a convenient reason to check it out!

So first off, Legendaries! God, I love Legendaries. I think everyone knows I'm a Legendary junkie. Legendaries unsure of what to do in a world thrown out of balance? Another personal favorite of mine. Also I think it's cool that you're using Legendaries to explore religious themes, as that's an intriguing path that people don't explore often enough, imo.
The ribbon tail refused to undulate about the legs, it instead lay trailing on the ground. Her crest upon her forehead had long ago lost its shine and was now a dull, melancholy green. Her delicate fur was suddenly noticed to be smudged with dust clinging to her in clumps. Black and blue surrounded her dull eyes, indicating her lack of sleep. She was pitiful, unworthy to stand before someone whom she was once equally revered to.
I can't quite decide whether or not I like this description. Maybe it's the opening the description with "the" that feels off. I know you were trying to avoid having all the sentences start the same way, and thatt's not bad in general, but feels weird starting the chain of description by using a detached word like "the." Maybe if it felt more like Ho-oh was taking in these details while looking at her--otherwise it feels like the narration just stopped for the description, even if it is vivid. (I do quite like the last two sentences, though.)
The world had become more sinful to the point the Legendaries didn't dare show their faces. They could feel the evil expanding, and feared it was going to reach them as well. This fear was what caused them to start wilting from their high positions. As pollution became thicker and more prominent, Celebi was struggling to keep plant-life prosperous, resorting to using his life-source to do so.
As much as I like the lore that is being communicated here, it feels awfully info-dump-y. Even though its interesting stuff that's necessary to the plot, I can't help but feel like I'd father see all of this rather than be told it. Maybe if the effects taking their toll on the Legends were described more concisely, and during the meeting scene when they're actually present, I think it'd feel more appropriate. Also, that way we'd be going into the meeting without already knowing how everyone has been affected.
However, even though they all were being afflicted by the ever-increasing evil, Mew was hit the hardest. As the world grew more wicked, she became ill, unable to properly do her duties as Guardian of the Tree of Beginnings, and keep her home, the Amazon, from being destroyed. Her powers started to weaken, and her optimistic nature slowly diminished. There were days she became unwilling to eat, and already tiny as she is, Mew lost weight. A few times she had mentioned she was developing suicidal thoughts from the stress she was receiving, but thankfully never acted upon it when her friends came to check up on her daily.
This paragraph suffers from it the most. I think it'd be more jarring if this came up at the meeting, when everyone sees her limp body held up by Mewtwo. You could use scattered bits of dialogue from onlookers combined with narration from Ho-oh or Shaymin.
“Gather the Legendaries you can find, while I search for my share. We will be meeting at Mirage Island to discuss the issue.”
Huh. Legendaries meeting at Mirage Island makes so much sense...why didn't I ever think of that? xD I feel silly making up some new island in southern Johto with, come to think of it, several perfectly good candidates in canon.
Both of them looked upon Ho-oh rather somberly (though Uxie had his head down as though deep in thought or silent prayer), bags visible under their golden oculars.
Um. "Oculars"? Well, at least it's not "orbs" but in general, synonyms for eyes tend to feel jarring, although it might be me (I've found that irises is a good substitute, particularly in Mewtwo instances.)

In general, as I go through this, I'm liking all the canon references. There are constant small nods to canon everywhere, from Legendary backstory, to things like Mount Quena, which I was pleased to see.
Not one budge he rocked her with stirred her from unconsciousness.
At first I could not figure out what this sentence meant, at all. But now as I'm writing this, I finally get how it's supposed to be read. Maybe it's just me, but the structure of this just felt totally awkward and hard to read.

I quite liked Mewtwo's development with the Alpha Scyther. Their conversations were just generally interesting and fun to read.

And now I'm loving Lugia's personality. Mewtwo's bit with scolding Mew was really striking as well. I actually had an "oh crap" moment when Mewtwo went all dark at the end of Chapter 3, presumably in a similar way to Cresselia.

Overall, this is a pretty interesting concept, and kudos for the fact that I just read your fic and it's a shipping fic! I never read them. xP

~Chibi~;249;;448;
 

Stage On

Aura guardian
So I`ve been reading up through the end of chapter 9 and while I originally intended to read until the end to review everything at once for the review game there is stuff about the that chapter that forced me to stop since I`m not sure I`m going to be able to keep going.

Now I`m not very confident in my ability to review but I`m going to try my best so please bare with me.

I really like how mortal you make the legendary Pokemon feel so far even before you actually did turn them mortal. The amount of personality you`ve infused into the some of them in incredible making them feel almost human.

On the downside out of the thirty plus Legends only about maybe a dozen or so feel like they are real characters and not just wall paper, this makes the group feel smaller then it should be, thought understandable given the difficulties of juggling such a large cast size.

There are several times the story contradicts itself. At points they say stuff like when they where immortal they couldn`t get sick and yet their`s the big joke about how Entai set a lake on fire once when he was sick.

On a similar vein Ho-oh at one point goes on about how when they where immortal they really only needed to eat for the hell of it and yet Mew almost died from the lack of nutrition.

Or how Mewtwo says the tree of life wouldn`t let him inside and yet later he says he visted Mew their while she was in her cationic state.

Now it doesn`t happen too often, just enough to be slightly disquieting to see in what is otherwise a very coherent well put together piece.

All the little references to stuff from the anime have been quite fun to stumble across, giving the story a deep sense of history, though it works against you slightly at times for the movies you said you hadn`t seen like when a character acts way out of line for how they did in the show, especially Giratina who was actually quite a nice guy in his movie but in your story is a gruff renegade, but then again why be a slave to cannon?

Not a big deal, just slightly annoying when it`s not clear which movies count towards the story and which don`t.

Sometimes very rarely you`ll have a character talking and then something will happen that makes it hard to tell who they are saying something to.

For example Mewtwo talking to Ho-oh and then at the end of the sentence he`ll suddenly say something else that I couldn`t tell who it was directed it but this just might be me.

Over all it was very good thought I kind of wish Arceus himself what thrown in with the rest and I`m a bit concerned about how well almost abusive Mew and Mewtwo`s relationship can be at times towards each other.

Mewtwo chocking her, her biting the heck of his arms... well that`s not exactly what I`d call romantic, but it`s too early at this point to say if their relationship can turn into a more positive one.

Thought I`d have to say for someone who`s had centuries to deal with his issues I`m surprised Mewtwo hadn`t mellowed out more. I`d really like to know how he was granted his immorality and joined the counsel since it doesn`t seem to be something that can just be cloned up since according to the story Mew and some of the others wasn`t immortal from birth.

And this is where I come to the most difficult part of why I froze up in my tracks rather then keep reading to Chapter 10.

I`m more or less an atheist. And well, I really started to feel uncomfortable by how heavily it suddenly went into bible stuff with Legion.

I mean you had a little bit before that with Arceus saying he answered to a higher power, but that was tiny in comparison and now I just feel like the story has become dangerously close to a thin veil to preach bible stuff and I simply can`t stand that sort of thing...

I want to read stories for fun, not to feel like they are trying to subtly convert me to a religion. I doubt that`s really your intention and it`s probably just me but it was enough to put me off and now I`m not really sure I want to read more. Sorry :(
 

Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
(For those wondering why I haven't replied to the others, it's because I PM'd them about it. Well, except the previous post, I'll get to her here soon.)

I forgot you changed your name, so I almost didn't recognize you XD. All righty, let's see what I can answer for you. First off, thank you for being honest, I appreciate it very much. I don't want it to feel like people are keeping back their thoughts so I'd get my feelings hurt. I'm not going to be upset, as I'm happy for the differences in thought.

On the downside out of the thirty plus Legends only about maybe a dozen or so feel like they are real characters and not just wall paper, this makes the group feel smaller then it should be, thought understandable given the difficulties of juggling such a large cast size.

I did try, and it's a bit noticeable in later chapters. I hope to incorporate the characters more in the final edit, so I'll keep this in mind.

There are several times the story contradicts itself. At points they say stuff like when they where immortal they couldn`t get sick and yet their`s the big joke about how Entai set a lake on fire once when he was sick.

On a similar vein Ho-oh at one point goes on about how when they where immortal they really only needed to eat for the hell of it and yet Mew almost died from the lack of nutrition.

Or how Mewtwo says the tree of life wouldn`t let him inside and yet later he says he visted Mew their while she was in her cationic state.

Now it doesn`t happen too often, just enough to be slightly disquieting to see in what is otherwise a very coherent well put together piece.

This is what happens when I write a story for two years and my mind matures over that period xD. It doesn't help I forget stuff as much as I try very hard to keep continuity. Forgive me if my responses sound like excuses though most of them kinda are, I'm trying to go into my memory in an amount of time.

With Entei setting a lake on fire for being sick, Raikou did mention they don't know what caused his cough, but I see what you mean by that. It didn't help the time it happened is very vague xD.

Mew's malnutrition goes deeper than that. That's answered in a later chapter.

Most of the time, if he didn't walk in, then he most likely teleported to an area of the Tree he had visited once, and the cells hunted him down. I kept in mind the eighth movie where Ash and company were able to explore the Tree until the cells caught up to them, so that's how I see it.

All the little references to stuff from the anime have been quite fun to stumble across, giving the story a deep sense of history, though it works against you slightly at times for the movies you said you hadn`t seen like when a character acts way out of line for how they did in the show, especially Giratina who was actually quite a nice guy in his movie but in your story is a gruff renegade, but then again why be a slave to cannon?

Not a big deal, just slightly annoying when it`s not clear which movies count towards the story and which don`t.

I mostly go for the PokéDex entries for those Pokémon whose movies I hadn't seen, but I have done some research on Bulbapedia about them before the site started glitching out on me for some reaseon. But in a way, it helped free up those characters for me to do what I wanted to do with them. Of the characters whose movies I hadn't seen, Giratina is one of my favorites to write--well, overall, he's one of the favorites. He's interesting to get into his head, even though he and I think SO differently.

Sometimes very rarely you`ll have a character talking and then something will happen that makes it hard to tell who they are saying something to.

For example Mewtwo talking to Ho-oh and then at the end of the sentence he`ll suddenly say something else that I couldn`t tell who it was directed it but this just might be me.

It's been brought up before, so I know what you mean. Third-person omnipresent is weird like that for me XD. I've tried to convey who's who when speaking, since I have some personal issues with mentioning every line or two a character's name, lol.

Over all it was very good thought I kind of wish Arceus himself what thrown in with the rest and I`m a bit concerned about how well almost abusive Mew and Mewtwo`s relationship can be at times towards each other.

Mewtwo chocking her, her biting the heck of his arms... well that`s not exactly what I`d call romantic, but it`s too early at this point to say if their relationship can turn into a more positive one.

I'm trying to interpret what you mean about Arceus. You wish he would've joined the Legendaries themselves? It would've been weird from the get-go, I suppose, and since he's pretty much on a god-like power more-so than the others, I gave him a smaller role, though what he did pretty much set up the story, in a way.

The relationship gets better, I swear ^^;. That gets answered as well. You've read up to chapter nine, so you should've found some clues there about it.

Thought I`d have to say for someone who`s had centuries to deal with his issues I`m surprised Mewtwo hadn`t mellowed out more. I`d really like to know how he was granted his immorality and joined the counsel since it doesn`t seem to be something that can just be cloned up since according to the story Mew and some of the others wasn`t immortal from birth.

That was pointed out before as well (on FFN, though), and I did (or will, can't recall what chapter it's mentioned in) point this out later on. Mewtwo never gained immortality, though he may have thought the Mew genes gave him a longer lifespan (might've mentioned that), and he copied it for his clones—but of course, they were just as mortal, so if I didn't allude to it, a mistake on my part, he grew to realize this over time.

He joined the counsel mainly because Mew invited him, even if most of the members weren't for it. They did warm up to him, but he never felt like he belonged. It helped he had powers akin to a Legendary. *shrugs*

And this is where I come to the most difficult part of why I froze up in my tracks rather then keep reading to Chapter 10.

I`m more or less an atheist. And well, I really started to feel uncomfortable by how heavily it suddenly went into bible stuff with Legion.

I mean you had a little bit before that with Arceus saying he answered to a higher power, but that was tiny in comparison and now I just feel like the story has become dangerously close to a thin veil to preach bible stuff and I simply can`t stand that sort of thing...

I want to read stories for fun, not to feel like they are trying to subtly convert me to a religion. I doubt that`s really your intention and it`s probably just me but it was enough to put me off and now I`m not really sure I want to read more. Sorry :(

This is where I wish to thank you for your honestly, and for handling it in a mature way (not that the few others who mentioned this didn't). It's why I made sure to let everyone know about what to expect, and gave permission to voice concerns. I also stated (at least on Serebii, didn't put it on the FFN version of the story, whoops) that I have no intention of preaching, I'm just writing a story. I knew from the very beginnings of envisioning the story that I was going to walk a fine line. However, I didn't expect it to get more fine as time went on. It just turned out that way, either from my own religious upbringing or what. I'm not sure myself.

So I can see where you're coming from. However, the intention of the story is not to convert anyone. Originally, I wanted to write a romance that was pure. The reason for this was because I wasn't pleased with how romances were written these days, both published works and fan fiction. It was extremely difficult to find a story that didn't just throw around romance to bring two characters together, and then some. Not that most of those stories weren't well-written, I just wasn't happy with how the love was being handled. So, instead of waiting for one, I went ahead to write my own.

And then I drew a picture of an important scene in the story, and it was then I realized there was going to be a spiritual atmosphere to the story. Of course, spirituality can come in any way, shape, and form no matter what religion or concept. I just wrote what I knew, and that spirituality reflected my own without my realization. I knew people were going to recognize it for the positive or the negative, but I went with it anyway. It's a risk I took knowing what I was getting myself into, and even right now, I'm glad I did. I'm having a fun time writing out this story despite the difficulties, and I wanted my audience to see that, even if we have polarized thoughts.

Stage On, don't feel bad about it. If you don't wish to continue reading, then go ahead and stop, I won't get mad or try to be persuasive in the least. I'll commend you for going as far as you have, though, since you reached the half-way mark a bit, and that's good enough for me. Thank you for reading and stating your opinion, I appreciate it. As for everything you pointed out, I'll do my best to fix them for the final edit.
 

SilentMemento

Lone Wolf
Okay, time for the reviews I promised (Note to moderators: I will likely have to post more than once (three times). These reviews are long, detailed, and done for each chapter; not all of them will fit in one post. I'll try to go out of my way not to double post):

First chapter review

Wow. What an opening. If the shocked exclamation of Suicune doesn't draw a reader into the plot, I don't think anything could. I have no idea why Orre would bomb Sinnoh, though; they don't look like the type of region with the natural resources to support a war. Aside from that, what reason would they have to bomb Sinnoh in the first place? Surely they would know that all of the other regions would pledge their support to Sinnoh against a completely unprovoked attack? Or is there something more to this that I'm not seeing?

The wickedness of the world reminds me a lot about Noah and the Ark, primarily the beginning bit of killing everyone off to start an era of peace. The wickedness affecting the legends as well was also a nice twist; Cresselia's actions really shocked me, and it was also shocking to see the deplorable state that they're in because of their domains being destroyed (aside from Mewtwo, who really has no obligations toward...anything, unless you count Mew, and his personality makes it feel like he views it as little more than a chore.)

I loved their portrayal. It makes them feel like the gods of Greece, Rome, and Egypt, along with other cultures: powerful enough to answer to no one but Arceus and fate, but always locked in petty squabbles with each other; protective toward others, but only when it would help their own cause; interested in human affairs, but not wanting to get involved themselves.

I caught a minor grammatical error in this chapter (during Ho-oh's speech):

Siblings shall share the same resting place. Friends shall be neighbors. Rivals shall be the friends.

The bolded word is unnecessary. The entire quote sounds better with the word cut out entirely, to be truthful.

I laughed uncontrollably at the story about Entei being sick. That was totally hilarious. I felt more than a mere pang of sadness at Mew's condition, though. I could tell that she had seen enough, that she wanted to block what she had seen out for good, even if it meant resorting to such extreme measures.

Overall, it was an absolutely solid opening piece. I don't think that you could've opened it any better than you did.

Second chapter review

Mewtwo is showing - yet again - how different he is from the other legends. He is reminded by the bug Pokemon (even though they didn't intend to do that) that he has no real role to play aside from protecting Mew. They refer to her as a goddess; he is merely the protector of their goddess. That's not helped by the way he thinks. He rationalizes in a cold, logical way, almost like a machine. Instincts and emotions don't govern his mind like the other legends; when he does have them, he is aloof and wouldn't dare show them, as he considers them to be weaknesses. No wonder why he feels so alienated by everyone.

The chapter was painful to read, not because of anything wrong with it (I couldn't find anything wrong with it), but because the content was so...well, it was realistic. It was well done. It didn't pull any punches. And it pained me to read it. It wove its way into my heart, into my mind, bringing all sorts of emotions with it. I have to say that you do that very well. You really have a way of making these characters so much more than mere characters. In this story, they are real living beings, and I applaud you for being able to portray them as such.

Third chapter review

You know, I'm really starting to fall in love with that Scyther in a totally platonic way. I love his outlook on life, I love his philosophical mind, and I can totally understand why Mewtwo would have a semblance of trust and kinship toward him. I mean, the guy was probably the Confucius of Pokemon in a past life. Seriously.

Lugia's wings + air quotes = winning on an epic scale. And yes, that does deserve a mention of its own.

Wow...Lugia could've shown a little bit more tact with his words (although that might be a part of his character; he strikes me as a bit more free-wheeling than most of the legends), but there's no reason that Mewtwo should've exploded at Lugia like that. Good job by Mew to get them away from the innocent Pokemon before things really got out of hand.

Fourth chapter review

Hmm...obviously something happened between Mew and Mewtwo before the first chapter. I have a few ideas, but they're no more than uneducated guesses, so...yeah, I'll just wait and see how it turns out.

Armageddon, apocalypse, omega...a lot of symbolism of the end coming to the earth. Well, I guess that it's now time for me to go do all of those things I wanted to do but couldn't. Oh, wait, I've only been to, like, five places on my bucket list. Stupid Ragnarok...

What Deoxys said to Rayquaza was really mean, but even I had to suppress a snicker at his line and the aftermath. And I laughed at Lugia's response. I swear, even though this stuff shouldn't be funny, I can't help but think that it's the most hilarious moment in the entire fic. I am a bit confused at Cresselia's line, though:

“It's creeps like you who give women a bad reputation!”

Wouldn't Deoxys be giving men a bad rep? I'm not quite certain how he gives women a bad reputation when the guy is clearly not a lady.

...Poor Rayquaza. The guy loses an eye and part of his tail while trying to save everyone's lives, and all of the legends - save for Latias - think that he's goofing off. He may be proud and all, but you can tell that he really cares.

The scenes of destruction were horrifying. To think that legends like Deoxys and Giratina were traumatized so badly by what they witnessed...it had to have been really, really bad. Lugia devolving back into his Shadow form to save his loyal servants, the destruction of every region we ever knew about (except those jerks in Unova, sitting on their bums and snickering to themselves while reading this story. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Genesect!), Ho-oh realizing how badly he and all of the other legends have sinned, Entei fighting his inner demons about not saving a hateful boy, and Uxie regretting giving humanity intelligence...this is incredibly deep. You handled this amazingly. Kudos to you.

There's a minor typo during Giratina's bit:

For one thing, wasn't he supposed to be the rouge, the menace to society and the world itself?

You mean "rogue". Rouge is the French word for "red". ;)

Fifth chapter review

You know, the Regis have barely been talked about in your story. Regigigas hasn't been mentioned, and the other three have been mentioned sparingly. Could you clarify this for me? I'm a bit confused.

Scyther died?! :'( Man, I'm so bummed out. Those bug-types didn't deserve their fate. It makes me wish that Rapture had swept them - along with all of the other good people - away. You know, much like what Ho-oh is thinking about. I can see why he'd be so furious.

Why do I get the feeling that all of those small keepsakes are going to mean a lot in later chapters? I don't know, it could be me.

Giratina won me over with his "been to hell" comment. He's a bad guy, but the kind that you want to cheer for. Oh, and his comments to Arceus were the epitome of coolness.

Speaking of Arceus, his accent is awesome. Enough said. And with his words, the story shifts from Noah's Ark to the Garden of Eden. I just wonder who will play the role of the serpent...

Sixth chapter review

All sorts of hilarity ensues. I take back what I said about the hilarious scene in the fourth chapter. Latias' reaction when she realized what Arceus meant about "procreation" is completely hysterical. Oh, fate, I laughed so hard...I can't breathe...oh, and the part where Ho-oh mentioned that there were only eight females...and the bodily functions and bra...seriously, I'm laughing my head off.

That said, there are two errors I caught:

(Suicune's mind was still in shock to comprehend what he said.)

I think that the quote could be reworded a bit. Maybe add the words "too much" between the bolded words?

Everyone else began to murmur amongst themselves. “We have to share?!” came from no other then Groudon in whose disappointment wasn't all that surprising.

A minor typo. You want "than".

Cresselia and Darkrai were a couple?! And their son...was called Adam? Oh - my - fate. You hinted that they were a couple, and I never quite got it. Nice plot twist.

Hmm...the scene between Mew and Mewtwo was very poignant, very touching. Giving a Lum berry, her favorite berry, to her was particularly sweet. I have to say, I'm not a huge romance fan, but you most certainly know how to portray a romance, which, given the category it's in, is a core value of your fic.

Overall review

All in all, I think you've done an outstanding job on your fic so far. Your characters felt very real (although I still feel that you could've portrayed the Regis a bit better), your plot seamlessly transforms itself (going from carefree and relaxed to tense and pulse-pounding and vice versa) without slowing down the pace or dragging its feet, and the romantic scenes are extremely well done.

The plot is quite impressive so far. Naturally, there are religious undertones to it, specifically Adam and Eve, Noah, and Rapture. You've mentioned demonic bits quite a few times as well, and Arceus said he was an angel, so I'll assume that there will be demons in this story as well. I'm also wondering if any Abel and Cain references will pop up.

Character-wise, my favorite is still Scyther (and it's going to take a lot to change that), but I'm starting to warm up to all of the legends as well. I couldn't dislike any of them if I wanted to (even though some of them have very real flaws to their character). I'm sure that someone has mentioned this, but I will say that you have a gift for portraying your characters as if they were real. I've seen a lot of impressive characters in a lot of impressive fics, but it's an extremely rare sight to see what you've done. You took a large number of prominent characters and crafted different personalities for all of them without sacrificing their believability. That must've taken a tremendous amount of time and effort.

The mix between third person narrator and limited third person is a bit unconventional, and there were a couple of times where I was unsure who was speaking or whose POV you were currently in. However, your grammar is very sound (aside from the minor typos), and the problems I've mentioned pale in comparison to the body of work as a whole. This is a very brilliant story that you're crafted, one that I'm not quite sure most people would dare to write. I truly am impressed by this.

Sincerely,

Mem.
 
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Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
Must. Save. Mem. From. Infractions.

Gonna respond the best I can in the little time I have (and without passing out).

And I have to say, you made me smile and laugh. I have to say, next to stories, reviews is another way to interpret someone's style, and I can totally see it here. Brownie points!

Anyhoo, moving on.

Wow. What an opening. If the shocked exclamation of Suicune doesn't draw a reader into the plot, I don't think anything could. I have no idea why Orre would bomb Sinnoh, though; they don't look like the type of region with the natural resources to support a war. Aside from that, what reason would they have to bomb Sinnoh in the first place? Surely they would know that all of the other regions would pledge their support to Sinnoh against a completely unprovoked attack? Or is there something more to this that I'm not seeing?

I don't remember anymore, honest xD. I was a senior in high school when I came up with the idea, and I always saw Orre as a rather... dark place. I haven't played the games, admittedly, but I did my best to do the research on Orre. I may not have done it very well, but since Orre isn't mentioned a whole lot except for these first few chapters, you can say my memory of why I chose Orre the way I did is gone. Same with Sinnoh at the time. So I can see the concern there, so my apologies for not doing proper research.

I loved their portrayal. It makes them feel like the gods of Greece, Rome, and Egypt, along with other cultures: powerful enough to answer to no one but Arceus and fate, but always locked in petty squabbles with each other; protective toward others, but only when it would help their own cause; interested in human affairs, but not wanting to get involved themselves.

Oh wow, I hadn't noticed that XD. Probably because I'm not a historian like my mom is, and I don't read up on cultures a lot.

Sweetness.

The bolded word is unnecessary. The entire quote sounds better with the word cut out entirely, to be truthful.

The heck? How did I miss that when I edited the chapter o_O?

Mewtwo is showing - yet again - how different he is from the other legends. He is reminded by the bug Pokemon (even though they didn't intend to do that) that he has no real role to play aside from protecting Mew. They refer to her as a goddess; he is merely the protector of their goddess. That's not helped by the way he thinks. He rationalizes in a cold, logical way, almost like a machine. Instincts and emotions don't govern his mind like the other legends; when he does have them, he is aloof and wouldn't dare show them, as he considers them to be weaknesses. No wonder why he feels so alienated by everyone.

This is one of the many reasons why I love reviews, so much fridge brilliance. Thank you so much for pointing that out, these things just fly over my head at times. I tried to keep him in character as much as possible, but that interpretation changes my view on him a little bit--actually no, it doesn't change my view, it broadens it now that I can see how he sees himself better than I did before.

The chapter was painful to read, not because of anything wrong with it (I couldn't find anything wrong with it), but because the content was so...well, it was realistic. It was well done. It didn't pull any punches. And it pained me to read it. It wove its way into my heart, into my mind, bringing all sorts of emotions with it. I have to say that you do that very well. You really have a way of making these characters so much more than mere characters. In this story, they are real living beings, and I applaud you for being able to portray them as such.

Oh wow... all I did was keep them in character. I had no idea... I knew from other reviewers that they're really good characters, but I didn't know they were like that.

Holy cow... *mind blown*

*pulls self back together*

You know, I'm really starting fall in love with that Scyther in a totally platonic way. I love his outlook on life, I love his philosophical mind, and I can totally understand why Mewtwo would have a semblance of trust and kinship toward him. I mean, the guy was probably the Confucius of Pokemon in a past life. Seriously.

Confucius... sounds familiar xD...

Yeah, I enjoyed writing out Scyther, I really do feel bad for having to kill him off as early as I did.

Lugia's wings + air quotes = winning on an epic scale. And yes, that does deserve a mention of its own.

XD

Hmm...obviously something happened between Mew and Mewtwo before the first chapter. I have a few ideas, but they're no more than uneducated guesses, so...yeah, I'll just wait and see how it turns out.

Uhhhhh... *eye shifts*

What Deoxys said to Rayquaza was really mean, but even I had to suppress a snicker at his line and the aftermath. And I laughed at Lugia's response. I swear, even though this stuff shouldn't be funny, I can't help but think that it's the most hilarious moment in the entire fic.

That was the whole point, so yay it worked!

Wouldn't Deoxys be giving men a bad rep? I'm not quite certain how he gives women a bad reputation when the guy is clearly not a lady.

Hmm... I think you do have a point there. I do kinda see Cresselia as a feminist (and since I'm not one myself, I don't know how they work XD), so I think I know why she mentioned "women having a bad reputation" instead of men, but that makes a lot of sense. *jots down to memory for final edit*

Lugia devolving back into his Shadow form to save his loyal servants

AH HA HA! Someone caught that finally! *dances in seat*

Though now that I look back to it, it really doesn't make sense, but I thought it'd be a nice nod to Gales of Darkness XD (even though I... uh... never played it...)

the destruction of every region we ever knew about (except those jerks in Unova, sitting on their bums and snickering to themselves while reading this story. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Genesect!)

Remember that I was a senior in high school (well actually, I had graduated by this time), so Black and White wasn't official just yet. Someone mentioned before if I was going to bring in the Unova legends, but since I boycotted the fifth generation and tend to pretend they don't exist (though I think I'm warming up to them now), and I'm way too late into the story, they're never going to be mentioned or even show up ever. So... yeah, "unknown" regions got blown up without us knowing XD.

ou mean "rogue". Rouge is the French word for "red". ;)

I thought I caught that! FFFFFF-

;025; - *slaps* Stop making excuses and get over it. *leaves*

o_o

You know, the Regis have barely been talked about in your story. Regigigas hasn't been mentioned, and the other three have been mentioned sparingly. Could you clarify this for me? I'm a bit confused.

^_^; I didn't know what to do with them. I (know) knew little about them in the first place, so I didn't really give them a lot of screentime. Even nowadays, I still don't know what to do with them. It's the same with Heatran.

Scyther died?! :'( Man, I'm so bummed out. Those bug-types didn't deserve their fate. It makes me wish that Rapture had swept them - along with all of the other good people - away. You know, much like what Ho-oh is thinking about. I can see why he'd be so furious.

I never once thought of the Rapture while writing this story, mostly because I don't believe that exactly. I have a different view on it than most other Christians, and it never came to mind at all. So the Rapture never happened. There were still good people on the earth, Scyther is proof of it, but the wicked was very widespread, that the good ended up caught in the disaster.

Why do I get the feeling that all of those small keepsakes are going to mean a lot in later chapters? I don't know, it could be me.

Some of them do. Yeah, I kinda forgot some of them xD.

Giratina won me over with his "been to hell" comment. He's a bad guy, but the kind that you want to cheer for. Oh, and his comments to Arceus were the epitome of coolness.

That's why I, like a lot of people I can see, like him as a character. We're polar opposites, and yet I have some of the most fun with him.

Speaking of Arceus, his accent is awesome. Enough said. And with his words, the story shifts from Noah's Ark to the Garden of Eden. I just wonder who will play the role of the serpent...

X3

Nice analogy there. As for role of serpent... I didn't think of that while writing the story, but I think you might have found a connection. You're really good at that.

All sorts of hilarity ensues. I take back what I said about the hilarious scene in the fourth chapter. Latias' reaction when she realized what Arceus meant about "procreation" is completely hysterical. Oh, fate, I laughed so hard...I can't breathe...oh, and the part where Ho-oh mentioned that there were only eight females...and the bodily functions and bra...seriously, I'm laughing my head off.

Yaaaaay, I made a funny chapter XD! I hoped to make people laugh, and I guess I did somewhat. Must've been a "Your Mileage May Vary on the Funny" chapter, lol.

I think that the quote could be reworded a bit. Maybe add the words "too much" between the bolded words?

Noted.

Cresselia and Darkrai were a couple?! And their son...was called Adam? Oh - my - fate. You hinted that they were a couple, and I never quite got it. Nice plot twist.

X3 Fwee hee hee..

I'm also wondering if any Abel and Cain references will pop up.

Now that you mention it... there actually is. I don't know if they're in the current chapters, or in a later chapter. But there are references, yes.

Character-wise, my favorite is still Scyther (and it's going to take a lot to change that), but I'm starting to warm up to all of the legends as well. I couldn't dislike any of them if I wanted to (even though some of them have very real flaws to their character). I'm sure that someone has mentioned this, but I will say that you have a gift for portraying your characters as if they were real. I've seen a lot of impressive characters in a lot of impressive fics, but it's an extremely rare sight to see what you've done. You took a large number of prominent characters and crafted different personalities for all of them without sacrificing their believability. That must've taken a tremendous amount of time and effort.

This is the first time anyone mentioned that. I was told numerous times how well I keep them in character and portray them, but no one mentioned the realism behind it. I'm surprised, myself, and I'm writing the darn thing XD.

The mix between third person narrator and limited third person is a bit unconventional, and there were a couple of times where I was unsure who was speaking or whose POV you were currently in. However, your grammar is very sound (aside from the minor typos), and the problems I've mentioned pale in comparison to the body of work as a whole. This is a very brilliant story that you're crafted, one that I'm not quite sure most people would dare to write. I truly am impressed by this.

That I'm aware of. Sorry about that XD.

Thank you so much, Mem. I'm looking forward to more of these wonderful reviews, and I'll pay you back as soon as possible.
 

SilentMemento

Lone Wolf
Okay, here we go with the second review, chapters seven through twelve:

Seventh chapter review:

Oh, wow. Mewtwo really has fallen. Exposing Mew to his emotions, to his lust (lust being the key word, as it is considered a sin)...that's what happened. I will say that it's a very good thing he had enough control of himself to stop at kissing her. I will also say that Ho-oh has some really sound advice. No wonder why the guy is so respected.

I will say that true love is a lot more than merely doing anything for the person you love. While Mew has the basic concept down, I have my own opinion that people who truly love each other are honest and open with one another. They are not afraid to say what they feel and why. They are not afraid that what their other half says may be different. And they are honest and open enough to truly respect their opinion and come to a middle ground for the sake of their other. It is something that I failed miserably at - and there's absolutely nothing in my life that I regret more. I just hope and pray that the same thing doesn't happen to these two.

There is a small typo with the word "channellers" being spelled as "chandlers". A chandler is a maker of candle wax and the like. ;)

I have to admit that there are some very beautiful and poignant scenes between the two main characters. Really, you have a major talent for making these scenes as emotional as they need to be without going overboard like most romance fics tend to do.

Latios, you've gone way too far. Mewtwo should've kicked the snot out of you and then some. Funny. You'd think that Deoxys would be the first to go to such extremes, but I guess that he's a tame pervert. ...But then again, now that I look back, I think that one of the same demons that got Mew attempted to possess Latios, so I guess I can forgive him to an extent.

Oh, no. Mew's possessed...and I really doubt that this demon is going to be relatively harmless like Legion was in the Gospel of Mark. And there is no messiah figure to save the legends. Now it truly is the end of the world as we know it.

The end is nigh! Repent! Repent!

-deathglares-

I wonder if the sacrificial offering of Mew's blood was needed to fully bring the demon into the real world. It wouldn't surprise me; her blood, her DNA, her chromosones are so much more valuable and powerful than everyone else's that it's not even funny. That's no slight to the other legends; it's more of a testament to Mew's power.

Eighth chapter review:

Giratina...is the best renegade ever. Of all time. I love how he just boldly stated to Mewtwo that he was interrogating him. Forget Darkrai's reaction; I'd be rolling around on the floor laughing with tears in my eyes if he did that around me. He's a real wildcard in all of this. On the one hand, he's probably going to be much easier to possess than the others; he's easily the worst legend on the evil-ness scale, and nothing's going to change that. The demons could easily exploit that. On the other, he could also be the most useful one against these demons. He knows that they're coming, and he knows what they're up against - and that may be the only advantage they have.

Holy (censored censored-ing censored censor censor). Holy (insert random string of explicit language coming from a reader who is scared out of his mind). I freaking hate Ouija boards, and this chapter has not helped at all. Mewtwo cutting off Deoxys' hands scared me a lot. The conversations with Darkrai and Mew freaked me out even more. Ho-oh being temporarily stricken blind, deaf, and mute just for asking a question was easily the most frightening thing in this chapter. You've done your job almost too well. These demons are scaring the hell out of me: both figuratively and (just about) literally.

And they want Mew and Mewtwo. Do they want to create an anti-Christ figure from the two of them? Is there something else that we don't know? I'm wondering what sort of value Mewtwo holds for them. Technically, he is the last son of Man left on the earth: he was created from human genes and the genes of Mew. I also wonder how much truth the demons' words have. I can't see them being as upfront as Arceus was. What lies were they telling? Were they telling any truths? If so, how much?

Ninth chapter review:

First off, the title drew me in. I wonder who will play the role of Judas Iscarot...

Minor typo:

Now that he was thinking of it, he tried to shake his arms free from their out-stretched position. He could only twitched his fingers, everything else was stiffened in place.

You meant to say "twitch"; twitched is past tense, while you were focusing more on the present tense during that part.

Another typo:

She just laughed, a little harsh for someone of her size. “You need to explain why, there are quiet a few other 'mistakes' I could be making.”

"Quite" is the word you were looking for. :)

Huh...this is a completely different Legion than the one I'm used to. To my knowledge (which is admittedly limited), Legion was one of the only demons that willingly allowed Christ to exorcise them from their host in exchange for not being sent back to Hell. But then again, Legion is still a demon...and I must admit that the character named Legion from Mass Effect 2 is my favorite (a sentient AI in a synthetic body), so that might have something to do with it...I don't know. -_-

And he was also talking about the event before Noah built his Ark, where the world was so truly evil that God rained fire down from the heavens to smite all who lived there (aside from Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives) and the world wept (the Flood). The thirty pieces of silver was also a brilliant touch. This is extremely interesting. I love the way you're portraying Legion: irredeemably evil, but not seeming to be at a first glance. Still, that's how demons work, do they not?

Tenth chapter review:

Well, I was a bit confused by the setting, but I think you explained it well. So, Legion was trying to tempt their spirits to procreate? Intriguing. I hate to admit it, but this guy is very clever. He's still a horrible jerk, though.

It's good to see Mew back, if only for a small while. Thank fate that Mewtwo stopped himself in time...again. This time, it would've been a whole lot worse if he hadn't.

You know, unless Mewtwo finds true peace within himself - and I mean real peace, as in actually finding his purpose - I don't think he and Mew could ever be together. I believe that he cares about her, but those primal feelings he has are still right there, lurking beneath the surface. He's still very quick to anger, very quick to judge, which isn't really condusive to a loving and happy relationship. Just my thoughts.

Eleventh chapter review:

Oh...my...fate... I'll probably be damned to a even lower level of hell for saying this, but every single one of those scientists deserved to die the way they did. Every - single - one. What they did to Mew was just sickening. I don't blame her for reacting the way she did, and if God and Arceus have a problem with that, then they've got a problem with me as well. It's a freaking disgrace that Mew's soul is now in the same place that their souls were (I assume that they've been damned already).

Legion's showing that they're even more clever than I realized. They're deliberately driving Mew and Mewtwo closer together, which is a really bad thing at this point. They've shown a fair bit of Mew's past, a past that she probably didn't even tell any other legend (I mean, how could she tell them that she was captured, tortured for months on end, forcibly impregnated, lost the child, and killed the people responsible? She simply couldn't.) But now they've established that they both have a common bond, which works more in Legion's favor than it does with Mew and Mewtwo.

Also, her forced impregnation when added to her virginity reminds me of none other than the Virgin Mary. (If you're curious about the scream you heard in the background, that's just me getting stricken by three consecutive lightning bolts.) Then who, I wonder, will become the messiah of the new world?

Twelveth chapter review:

Huh. Things must be really bad if the legends are getting together to pray. Even Giratina. Yep, things must be extremely bad.

But the beginning of that section was absolutely hilarious. Hormones, pregnancy, etc...oh, man, that's too funny.

Wow. Legion has some serious anger issues toward Jehovah. I can recommend a good rehab center-

-gasp- He said, "Jehovah!"

-deathglares even more-

Anyway, I feel sorry for Mewtwo. Now he's at his breaking point. And Legion finally tricked him by revealing their trump card; Mew can't leave Hell until she finds peace within herself. And now that the end of-

THE END IS NIGH! REPENT! REPENT!

-deathglares until the random part of my mind is too scared to show its face-

Anyway, like I was saying before, now that the end of the world has finally arrived, I'm going to be extremely interested to see how it all turns out. How will the legends finally die? I can't really see them winning, that's for sure.

Overall review:

I am really starting to love this story. No serious grammatical errors, characterization is mostly the same as always (with more of a shift toward Mewtwo, Mew, and Legion in the later chapters), and the plot has me hanging on every word. I have to say that you've done a really fine job. May I please be on the PM list?

Sincerely,

Mem.
 
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Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
Yesssss, more knowledge from Mem. I'm excited to see what more you have to interpret and make my mind explode again.

Oh, wow. Mewtwo really has fallen. Exposing Mew to his emotions, to his lust (lust being the key word, as it is considered a sin)...that's what happened. I will say that it's a very good thing he had enough control of himself to stop at kissing her. I will also say that Ho-oh has some really sound advice. No wonder why the guy is so respected.

I caught this before, but it tends to slip my mind for some odd reason (which makes me sad). This makes me want to change the chapter title, but I suppose the subtlety works either way I put it.

I will say that true love is a lot more than merely doing anything for the person you love. While Mew has the basic concept down, I have my own opinion that people who truly love each other are honest and open with one another. They are not afraid to say what they feel and why. They are not afraid that what their other half says may be different. And they are honest and open enough to truly respect their opinion and come to a middle ground for the sake of their other. It is something that I failed miserably at - and there's absolutely nothing in my life that I regret more. I just hope and pray that the same thing doesn't happen to these two.

I like that, oh yes. I needed that. *jots down notes*

*pats your head in sympathy*

There is a small typo with the word "channellers" being spelled as "chandlers". A chandler is a maker of candle wax and the like. ;)

Hur durr, I should've caught that XD. I swear I looked up the word, but guess I did it from memory.

Latios, you've gone way too far. Mewtwo should've kicked the snot out of you and then some. Funny. You'd think that Deoxys would be the first to go to such extremes, but I guess that he's a tame pervert. ...But then again, now that I look back, I think that one of the same demons that got Mew attempted to possess Latios, so I guess I can forgive him to an extent.

I was thinking of Deoxys, but I wanted a character no one would've expected (and whom Mewtwo could beat up easily, heh xD), so I chose Latios. He would've never done such a thing willingly.

The end is nigh! Repent! Repent!

-deathglares-

XD

I wonder if the sacrificial offering of Mew's blood was needed to fully bring the demon into the real world. It wouldn't surprise me; her blood, her DNA, her chromosones are so much more valuable and powerful than everyone else's that it's not even funny. That's no slight to the other legends; it's more of a testament to Mew's power.

I had a reasoning for it at the time, but I lost it. But whatever I had come up with, yours sounds the most reasonable and symbolic. And I like it.

Giratina...is the best renegade ever. Of all time. I love how he just boldly stated to Mewtwo that he was interrogating him. Forget Darkrai's reaction; I'd be rolling around on the floor laughing with tears in my eyes if he did that around me. He's a real wildcard in all of this. On the one hand, he's probably going to be much easier to possess than the others; he's easily the worst legend on the evil-ness scale, and nothing's going to change that. The demons could easily exploit that. On the other, he could also be the most useful one against these demons. He knows that they're coming, and he knows what they're up against - and that may be the only advantage they have.

He is indeed the best, and I do love him for it.

You are on the right track, though I may have wasted that potential on accident... I didn't really plan his role out too well, but he has one that is hopefully satiable.

Holy (censored censored-ing censored censor censor). Holy (insert random string of explicit language coming from a reader who is scared out of his mind). I freaking hate Ouija boards, and this chapter has not helped at all. Mewtwo cutting off Deoxys' hands scared me a lot. The conversations with Darkrai and Mew freaked me out even more. Ho-oh being temporarily stricken blind, deaf, and mute just for asking a question was easily the most frightening thing in this chapter. You've done your job almost too well. These demons are scaring the hell out of me: both figuratively and (just about) literally.

Yes, I did my job!

I must have a very scary imagination xD. I hope to never run into one in my life, the stories my friend told me was enough.

I'm wondering what sort of value Mewtwo holds for them. Technically, he is the last son of Man left on the earth: he was created from human genes and the genes of Mew. I also wonder how much truth the demons' words have. I can't see them being as upfront as Arceus was. What lies were they telling? Were they telling any truths? If so, how much?

You have a good point there. *mind implodes*

The demons tell half-truths, and even then they twist it to their liking. I go by the account in Matthew where Satan attempts to tempt Jesus, where he does explicitly quote scripture.

First off, the title drew me in. I wonder who will play the role of Judas Iscarot...

I had an original intention to the title and the symbolism behind it, but it didn't work out for me very well, and I have lost it in the depths of my memories as well. Still, bits of it are in the chapter, so as long as it got the point across, I'm happy with it.

Huh...this is a completely different Legion than the one I'm used to. To my knowledge (which is admittedly limited), Legion was one of the only demons that willingly allowed Christ to exorcise them from their host in exchange for not being sent back to Hell. But then again, Legion is still a demon...and I must admit that the character named Legion from Mass Effect 2 is my favorite (a sentient AI in a synthetic body), so that might have something to do with it...I don't know. -_-

I believe Legion from Mark is the only demon who would leave the man's body as long as they could go into a herd of swine (whom then promptly drowned themselves). Christ has chased away demons before, we just have only one account of a legion of demons talking to him (albeit through the lips of another man).

I have never played Mass Effect, if that helps X3. Legion indeed got his name from the devils whom called themselves "Legion", but that's as far as the similarities go, since as far as I know, those demons haven't really done a whole lot of harm like he has.

And he was also talking about the event before Noah built his Ark, where the world was so truly evil that God rained fire down from the heavens to smite all who lived there (aside from Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives) and the world wept (the Flood). The thirty pieces of silver was also a brilliant touch. This is extremely interesting. I love the way you're portraying Legion: irredeemably evil, but not seeming to be at a first glance. Still, that's how demons work, do they not?

That and more.

Demons do indeed work that way. They try to get our pity.

Well, I was a bit confused by the setting, but I think you explained it well. So, Legion was trying to tempt their spirits to procreate? Intriguing. I hate to admit it, but this guy is very clever. He's still a horrible jerk, though.

Lol, he is indeed xD. Rather vain of himself.

You know, unless Mewtwo finds true peace within himself - and I mean real peace, as in actually finding his purpose - I don't think he and Mew could ever be together. I believe that he cares about her, but those primal feelings he has are still right there, lurking beneath the surface. He's still very quick to anger, very quick to judge, which isn't really condusive to a loving and happy relationship. Just my thoughts.

Thought noted. *jots it down* Thanks for pointing that out.

Oh...my...fate... I'll probably be damned to a even lower level of hell for saying this, but every single one of those scientists deserved to die the way they did. Every - single - one. What they did to Mew was just sickening. I don't blame her for reacting the way she did, and if God and Arceus have a problem with that, then they've got a problem with me as well. It's a freaking disgrace that Mew's soul is now in the same place that their souls were (I assume that they've been damned already).

The only scientist I pity a little bit is Bridget, but even then, she stayed in place. So she is just as bad as the others, though not as awful as "Sir" is, no-o-o-o. If anything, most of the scientists weren't evil, they were just misguided, but your mileage may vary on that. Even then, I agree wholeheartedly with you.

Legion's showing that they're even more clever than I realized. They're deliberately driving Mew and Mewtwo closer together, which is a really bad thing at this point. They've shown a fair bit of Mew's past, a past that she probably didn't even tell any other legend (I mean, how could she tell them that she was captured, tortured for months on end, forcibly impregnated, lost the child, and killed the people responsible? She simply couldn't.) But now they've established that they both have a common bond, which works more in Legion's favor than it does with Mew and Mewtwo.

Dude, why are you so good at catching things like that XD? I thought I knew all this.

Also, her forced impregnation when added to her virginity reminds me of none other than the Virgin Mary. (If you're curious about the scream you heard in the background, that's just me getting stricken by three consecutive lightning bolts.) Then who, I wonder, will become the messiah of the new world?

*mind explodes tenfold*

HOLY MOSES I NEVER DREW THOSE CONNECTIONS BEFORE. *mind explodes again*

The story has more religious themes than I thought. DAMN. I suppose this makes hers and Mewtwo's relationship much more symbolic on a deeper level.

Huh. Things must be really bad if the legends are getting together to pray. Even Giratina. Yep, things must be extremely bad.

But the beginning of that section was absolutely hilarious. Hormones, pregnancy, etc...oh, man, that's too funny.

Yup.

Well, what else did you expect XD?

Wow. Legion has some serious anger issues toward Jehovah. I can recommend a good rehab center-

-gasp- He said, "Jehovah!"

-deathglares even more-

Not just Jehovah, he's more angry at God Himself, his Father. I'd say he has as much hatred as Satan does, which makes me wonder sometimes why he isn't the main mastermind xD.

I am really starting to love this story. No serious grammatical errors, characterization is mostly the same as always (with more of a shift toward Mewtwo, Mew, and Legion in the later chapters), and the plot has me hanging on every word. I have to say that you've done a really fine job. May I please be on the PM list?

Thank you so much again, Mem, you've been a huge help to me.

And yes indeedy you may. I was thinking of adding you to the list anyway, I just needed your consult.
 
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