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This is from an original story I'm working on. The necessary background is that:
1) it's a fantasy novel
2) it takes place after most fantasy novels end. By which I mean the story opens on the final battle between Light and Dark. The heroes already went on their quest, found the legendary sword and killed the Lord of Darkness.
3) This story is told from the perspective of the villain, and chronicles her rise to power. She was chosen by the powers that govern darkness to be the next Dark Lady, the sovereign of Darkness. Of course, the villain-protagonist Claudia has spent her entire life devoted to the Light, learning healing magic and fighting secretly beside her brother in the war. It was because of her proximity to the previous Dark Lord when he died that she was chosen.

I think that about sums it up.

This scene is one of her temptations to take the Dark Lord's crown, which appear to her as a tiara. The Patron is a member of Darkness's Triad (the Warrior, the Mother and the Patron), a group of three almost god-like sorcerers who work as the envoys of the Darkness. Think of it this way. The Dark is sort of like the Judeo-Christian and Islamic god, completely omniscient and beyond comprehension. The Triad is like the gods of Ancient Greece, capable to talking to mortals and interacting with them given certain conditions.
Claudia has been imprisoned under suspicion of the murder of her fiance, a murder the Warrior actually committed. The Mother tempted her with magical power, the warrior with worldly power. Neither worked, so it was a bit of vengeance, but also forcing Claudia to a situation where she is more likely to take up her mantle. Now, the Patron arrives.

---

"So what are you going to offer me?" Claudia finally sighed. "Eternal life?"

The Patron chuckled and sat down on the stone floor next to her. He groaned as his old bones popped. "Eternal life? Don't be ridiculous, Claudia. Nothing lasts forever." He closed his eyes and folded his hands over his chest. "Our lives are so very fleeting. To the rocks and rivers, we are just dancing shapes in the fog, there and gone in a heartbeat. And even those things, which we presume to be eternal, they too will fade. The mountains will someday crumble to dust, the mighty trees die and wither away, and the will oceans dry up, leaving nothing but scorched earth behind. Even the stars will someday spin off the mortal coil and into glittering diamond dust that will drift throughout the cosmos until even that comes to an end. Even gods die, Claudia. When one has lived as long as I have, and believe me, my dear, I have lived a very long time, you realize that nothing is eternal. Everything that has a beginning must have an end."

The young woman studied the Patron's old, lined face. There was a strange, profound sadness behind his words. Though the old man had powers beyond comprehension, he knew that his time was finite. In fact, she would not be surprised if the Patron had used his magic to find out exactly when and where he would die. The Patron shook his head sadly. "So no, Claudia. I will not tempt you with eternal life. Whatever you may think of me, I am an honorable man. I will not make a promise I cannot keep."

"So what are you here to offer me?"

"I would think it should be obvious." At the young woman's blank stare, the Patron smiled. "Why, a way out, of course. You realize, my dear, that they will kill you. It serves both my interests and yours to get you away from this dungeon and into the world. However, I can always find a new Dark Lord. But you... you only have one life." He stood slowly and massaged the pain from his joints. "So, Claudia? What will it be? Stay here and die? Or go forth and live?"

Claudia took a deep breath. "I'll take it. I'll take the crown."
 
here's another from a story I was rewriting: (there is a hint of sexism there, hide your woman lol)

I looked up and saw the same tall blue haired man from before, Latios. I just looked up and smiled at him. In a way, I was happy to see him but in a way, I was kind of worried about what he might say or do. I mean, I loved hearing him speak because of his accent and his intellect but as of now, I wasn’t sure what he would think of me. He said that I had potential but did he really mean it?

“What’s up?” he asked me as he got a lounge chair and set it between Vanilluxe and myself.

“Nothing much,” I replied as I shook his hand.

Now, I wasn’t one to look at a person’s shoes, but not only did I notice that Latios changed his pants to jeans, but he also had tall, black, rough-looking combat boots. They certainly made him look taller, leaner and tougher. They were thick, had a heel and they looked like they could help him kick some butt. Nonetheless, I just gave him a smirk while observing his style choice.

“Nice boots… they make you look tougher,” I said.

“Thanks. I wanted to wear my other ones but my girlfriend wouldn’t polish them like I asked, so I got pissed and decided to wear these. These are good for combat,” Latios said. “Anyway, what brings you here?”

“Sorry about your others not being cleaned,” I said in a consoling voice. “Oh and I’m here to gather advice.”

“From Gothitelle eh? That’s nice; anyway, I’m having a battle tournament with the guys here. So that’s why you happened to run into me again,” he said as he was smoothing out his hair.

Battle tournament eh? This could be more inspiration right there. Seeing not only the guys’ battle but Latios battle as well could give me something to write about, since he happened to be in the top five. I nodded my head in approval as I looked over to my right. I saw that Latios came with another guy, a younger guy that looked around sixteen. He had short but messy off-white hair topped with a small flag-designed beret. He also had a plain red shirt with wings on it and faded blue jeans.

“Hey there,” he said to me in a southern accent. “Yous a friend of Latios?”

“Friend? I say we respect each other, but we’re not that close,” I replied as I twirled my hair. “He said I had potential to be stronger but that’s it.”

“Ello there, Braviary,” Milotic asked as she made her way towards this guy and proceeded to pull up a chair next to him. “Lucky, isn’t she?”

All I could do at the moment was smirk. I mean, sometimes Milotic amuses me. She loves to be friendly with everyone she knows and maybe this guy was one of them. Nonetheless, I thought she looked better with him than she did with Vanilluxe. Maybe it was because he was much older than her and this guy looked around her age, I don’t know but whatever. I could see her looking across the table at the older man, just trying to flash a smile at him. None the while, he just looked at his phone.

“At least she’s luckier than what Latios is going to be in this battle,” he bragged. “Oh, and hey there, gorgeous.”

“Wait, you’re battling to?” I asked as I pulled out my make-up pouch from my pocket. With all the people here, I’m sweating to the point where I feel that my make-up is melting off and that’s not good.

“Hell yeah! The moment Latios called to challenge me; it was one I couldn’t refuse. Oh and also the fact that I never refuse a challenge. Besides, I learned a new move that will kick his butt!” Braviary exclaimed.

'Wow, confident guy…' I thought to myself as I proceeded to retouch my candy apple colored lipstick. I just nodded my head as I heard Braviary brag all about his newfound attack called Crush Claw he’s going to use on Latios. I really wanted to laugh at him; I mean Latios is in the top five, he’s one of the strongest guys here. So it’s almost impossible to beat him and the odds of him beating him were slim to none.
 
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Cutlerine: Wow...that's as long as many of my whole chapters. I like the interactions between the professors. Very nice!

Lovett: Her best friend has turned into an emokid! :) No, really...that was a really good segment. I was expecting something bright and cheerful based on the description of Rena, but it turned very abruptly away from that tone. Good surprise, that. I'd totally want to read more!

Serenade: I know next-to-nothing about Megaman other than, like, Megaman 2 and 3 from my childhood. I didn't picture MM being that...eerie, though. Huh. Interesting!

Silent Memento: Oh, I know the line was supposed to be funny; it just came across as bad joke. Like it should have had an ironic "ba-dum psh!" drum hit after it. :) The air of the new scene you wrote was obviously a lot different from the Growlithe one. If I had to pick...I might want to read...eh, I can't pick. They're both neat. I wonder who the 11 people who held the power were. Eight gym leaders and three others? Maybe.

Feral: You had me at "fantasy novel". I'm not actually a huge reader of fantasy works, but I RESPECT them, and am working on my own. The Patron is a mysterious character there, and I'd like to know more about who it is and what it's truly offering to Claudia there.

All right, I'm totally working on a scene or two of my own. Reading all the great teasers you guys have posted has been a lot of fun!
 
^To be truthful, my teasers are bare ideas for random scenes ^-^

I'm tempted to read through some of the fics you all have in your signatures as well, as most, if not all, of you are well-known and respected authors on here. I might pick up new techniques to describe and build up plots.

Keep it up though, I am loving these.
 
I don’t know that anyone saw it, but before I started working on Brothers’ Bond, I posted the beginnings of a comic-book-universe-style story called “The Chosen” in the Nonfic forum. This scene is from that story, but takes place about two to three years down the line in their lives...



Nate suddenly found himself able to lift his head, and his whole body after that. Prime’s seemingly limitless power had been holding him and his friends in place, but that was gone now. Nate looked left to Smith and then right to Aaron; they appeared to be as puzzled as he was. It looked as though Aaron was about to vocalize his confusion, but the three of them were taken aback by sound they’d thought they’d never hear.

It was Prime, shouting in pain.

Nate’s eyes shot upward and saw Prime being bludgeoned from all sides by an invisible force. The ruler of this strange world was reeling, defenseless against his assailant despite his mad attempts to strike out to save himself. Nate squinted; it was not an invisible force... it was something moving too fast to be seen. Nate’s mouth fell agape when his brain put it all together. It was Vinny! Vinny whom they were told had been killed and had not been seen for days. Vinny whom had previously been effortlessly wished away by Prime’s power. He was back, and Prime could do nothing against him.

Prime fell to a knee. He was no longer lashing out against the young man attacking him; he pulled his hands over his head in a vain attempt to protect himself. Nate couldn’t process it; Prime had taken everything he, Aaron, and Smith could dish out without even acknowledging them. And yet Vinny was now beating him. Prime fell over onto his side in a fetal position. His arms hung limply against his head and face, and it dawned on Nate that Vinny wasn’t just beating him anymore.

“Vinny!” Nate cried. “What are you doing? You’re killing him!”

Vinny stopped teleporting around Prime and placed his foot down onto the demigod’s throat. Prime was bleeding from several gaping wounds on his arms and upper body where Vinny must have teleported his skin away. Nate wanted to see his best friend’s face, but Vinny refused to turn and meet his gaze.

“I know I am.”
 
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What you need to know:
Fantasy novel.
Innocent town being ransacked by the Royal Army. You don't yet know why.
Will is one of my main characters. As is Jade, who's mentioned at the beginning. Will's a good guy. This is my first real fight scene, and I want to make sure it's okay.
And, yeah. Will's supposed to be a bit of a badass.
Anyhow, here.

Will was meeting with substantially more resistance than Jade had. Almost as soon as he had started to sprint down the street, he’d been met with trouble. He had arrived at an intersection and looked down the adjacent alleys to find two soldiers armed with spears down each road, both of them heading his way. When they saw him, they began to run, shouting to their comrades that they had found someone.

Will took half a second to consider his next action.

“Do I take them out, or keep running?” He muttered. “Nah, screw the running. These people need help fighting back as well as getting away.”

So instead of doing what many would have considered to be the sensible thing, Will stood his ground. He casually pulled his knives out of the buckles below his cloak, one in each hand, with the blades up against his arms.

“I’ll have to change my policy on how to aim. No more injuring, I suppose, and back to the killing. That can’t really be helped. But at least I know what I’m doing this time around.” He murmured to himself. “Right, then,” he called, looking down the alleys at both groups of soldiers. “Let’s make this quick.” He stepped into the centre of the intersection, a reasonably sized square that could easily accommodate the five of them. The soldiers were upon him quickly, and they surrounded him with a practiced assurance.

“Come quietly and you won’t be harmed!” One of the knights barked.

“Hmm… let me think about that a moment.” He accentuated his next word by lunging forward at the knight in front of him, throwing a punch aimed at his face. “No.”

It connected with a spine chilling crunch and a strangled cry as the man’s nose was broken. Will stepped in closer and spun one of his knives around, holding it more like a sword, and slammed the butt end down into the back of the knight’s head as he bent to cover his nose. He went down with a second cry, this one more like a whimper, and didn’t move. Will flipped the blade back up against his arm.

“One down, three to go.” He teased, a sly grin creeping onto his face.

The remaining soldiers became more wary after seeing their companion disposed of with such ease. They circled Will for another few seconds before one of them made the mistake of turning around to try and shout for reinforcements. Will flipped both of his knives around this time, stepped in closer and slashed diagonally with both arms. He left a nasty gash in one shoulder with one knife and managed to cut the man’s neck with the other. As the knight reached up to try and staunch the bleeding, Will lunged at his now exposed middle. His knife slid in easily just below the breastplate, causing another path of blood to cascade down the man’s front. Will withdrew his knife as the light faded from the man’s eyes, pools of crimson beginning to form on the ground around the group’s feet.

Will left his knives extended this time, one pointing at each of the remaining men. He shifted his gaze from man to man, waiting for an opening. One of them called for help like the other soldier had, but unlike the other one his eyes never strayed from Will.

Damn it. Now I’m on the clock. Time to think of something. He thought
After another two seconds, an idea passed by Will’s consciousness. Seeing no other option, he acted on it. He faked a stab aimed at the bigger knight, hoping that he would bite.

He did. He lunged forward with his spear at the same time Will stuck his tongue out at the other soldier, spitting in his face. Amazingly, the second soldier roared with rage and lunged forward as well. Will ducked at the last moment and rolled out of the way, hurriedly standing up and turning around. The bigger knight’s longer reach had allowed him to connect first, and he’d cleanly impaled the other soldier. Both had looks of surprise evident on their faces, one man in death and the other man fully aware that it was coming. Before he could turn away Will threw one of his knives at him, catching him right in the forehead.

A single trickle of blood rolled down the knights face, and he crumpled immediately. Will walked up to the knight’s fallen form and pulled out his knife, flicking off the blood.

“Back to business now, I suppose. Got to find some people to evacuate.” He said to himself as he continued down his original path.

Please tell me what you think without sugarcoating it. That just wastes time :)
 
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Comments on all earlier scenes (spoilered due to size xD; ) - (As an explanation: I wanted to make sure everyone had been covered, and besides, it's awesome procrastination- *shot*)

[spoil]Knightfall - Intriguing beginning~! x3 I like the sound of this impeding of the pokemon world into our reality, it looks really exciting! Looking forward to seeing more of it~ x3 Very nice. :3 Quite liked the description of the heat burning him through the metal, it was a lovely touch. :3

Krazy: read your edited piece! x3 Very nice - I like the sound of the plot. I would slip out of the stream of thought a little earlier, though - there's a lot going on in that clip, and it holds a lot of potential if you expanded the waking, the trying to move, discovering where he is, struggling more, realising that it feels different... etcetera. For instance, you mention that the character can see, and yet don't describe what they see at all, I know nothing about the place he finds himself in. As the first thing he encounters is himself, the delay is understandable, but when he's trying to remember how he got there, wouldn't he look around? His leap to 'I must now be a pokemorph' seems a little sudden, as well, he probably wouldn't label himself so quickly, just know that something/someone has changed him. When you're describing his discovery of the fact that he is different, as well, it'd be better if you stepped a little more out of his thoughts again and focused on his actions as well - as he describes that he has a paw, wouldn't he be flexing it, feeling it with his other paw (if he isn't restrained), trying to see just how much it has changed etcetera? Feeling the rest of himself, etcetera x3 But I really like the idea! <3 And it's nice to see someone showing a characters emotions through tracing their thoughts, instead of just telling - you slipped into the character's mind delightfully. If you compliment that with a bit scene setting, and a focus on his actions alongside his thoughts, you will be perfect. :3 (Sorry for long comment, I just really like this and thought it had a lot of potential if you tapped it correctly x33)

Kutiepie: :3 Haha, it really doesn't make sense out of context, does it...? I prefer the other lil' scene, my fault for getting excited and posting a little snippet, I'll post a new scene after I've done more revision (revis breaks ftw! unless you want to read an essay on the important of status in EM Europe...? *shot*)

I really liked your scenes~! x3 I've actually already read at least the first chapter of your 'fic - started it last week after seeing you around the 'review above thread' before exam guilt had me revising properly. xD Romance <3! I'm such a sucker for it, and this pairing seems lovely. x3 Spooning ftw!

The second one- Higurash no naku koro ni? <3 Very nice, you described her flight perfectly, it was delightfully fast-paced. I wouldn't substitute eyes with 'oculars' (it isn't a synonym in any case and sounds a bit odd) but the murder was short and sweet x3

Gothitella: only read the second one I'm afraid, not enough time >.< But I liked it - although I'm not so fond of your Latios. xD The woman in me recoils at the thought of him ordering his girlfriend to polish his shoes and getting angry when she didn't, a nice little bit of misogyny there. The apparently sympathetic reaction of the narrator sours my opinion of her as well, but flawed characters ftw. <3 I'd be careful, when writing in first person, that when it comes to descriptions you aren't unnaturally list-y? For the most part you did a good job, but at the beginning when you had her describing his shoes, she seemed to list off how they made him look. If you had it more as a clarification, it'd work, such as if you change the first comma into a dash and got rid of the 'and' between 'leaner' and 'tougher' but yeah. :) The anthropomorphic theme you have here is interesting, have you just humanised different pokemon, or is there a deeper plot to it? Interesting, nevertheless.

Aqua: Awww heart break! You could really feel his emotion there, is this based on what you're experiencing right now? *hugs* I hope it evens out/sorts out in some way. :) This thread is a nice way to compare writing styles, isn't it! Nice little excerpts, I'm probably gonna pick a few techniques here as well. x3

*squishes sid* Thankies! :D I'm glad you like it! That opening paragraph is one of my favourites, I will admit! And the lovely little monster- she's fascinated, despite herself, I'm having all too much fun with her and Tobias (the stag). xD! You wouldn't know it, but Ember Days is actually going to be a love story. :x eventually. Sorry about the second segment, I know it doesn't make sense! I'll have another look at the ending sentences and see if I can sort that out. :3

And I love your scene! : D I'm going to catch on Brothers' Bond as soon as I can, as well - but you handled the action perfectly, m'dear! Nate's thought progression balanced the character perfectly with the description of the scene, and the ending dilemma... <3 The way that Vinny refused to look at him was delightful, and fit perfectly- embodying the emotional tension and turmoil held by each character without stating it. I like a lot. x3

Cutlerine: Lovely~ x3 I've started reading one of your 'fics before, but I wash't able to get far due to time constraints, but I really do like your writing style. x3 The scene demonstrated it lovelily, you capture character very nicely. Made me giggle. Scientific conventions ftw. :3

Mrs. Lovett: Delightfully sinister, I'm suspecting some form of possession? x3 Very nice, I really enjoyed the way you kept to the character's POV, allowing allusions to the truth seep through her naivety. x3 I hope to read this some day!

Serenade: I'm unfortunately not familiar with the fandom, but I enjoyed this nevertheless. x33 Very dark. I quite liked its complete-nature as well, the ending brought it back together. Nice! :3

Silent Momento: :3 Very nice! The description " as a city that had been nothing short of idyllic a mere five hours earlier devolved into a horrifying nightmare." in particular was lovely, although the sentence felt unfortunately long! The teaser of the plot was very interesting, though, I want to know what happens! Very nice. x3

Feralninja: First of all, that plot sounds fascinating~! x3 I would certainly be interested in reading it, have you posted it in the non-pokemon fic section? :3 I really enjoyed the Patron's speech, as well, it was very well written~! This scene would probably have a bit more oomph for me if I'd read the preceding moral dilemmas and conflicts when the triad first propositioned her, but this was lovely. x3 You could possibly have had her deliberate a bit more as well, considering it's such a huge decision, but nevertheless I really liked it!

Moog2: *cracks knuckles* ;3

Mmm, nice introduction but as you're launching into an action sequence, the most important thing is keeping the pace up - therefore you need to keep an eye out for superfluous sentences.

Will took half a second to consider his next action.

“Do I take them out, or keep running?” He muttered. “Nah, screw the running. These people need help fighting back as well as getting away.”
Click to expand...

Given the need to speed up the pace, I'd decide on one of these sentences or the other - there's no need for the first sentence as you actually have him deliberate in the next segment. There's no need to tell the reader that he is considering his next action when you show it in the next section.

[Briefly- On showing and telling in general - showing is generally better, although it can take up more room then telling and therefore doesn't need to be used all the time. Showing, on the other hand, allows the reader to visualise the scene independently and draw the allusions themselves from the writing, drawing and investing them more into the story. For example - telling the reader that Bob feels sad is less effective then allowing Bob to speak in his thoughts himself, and allowing his sadness to emerge through that - much more effective, it encourages empathy. x3]

In this case, you could also just tell the reader that he deliberated if you don't want to reveal what he decides to do/if it's clear already what his choice is. You're choice, i'd just pick one of the other. x3

"So instead of doing what many would have considered to be the sensible thing, Will stood his ground. He casually pulled his knives out of the buckles below his cloak, one in each hand, with the blades up against his arms."

The first half of the sentence bothers me - it's telling the reader that it's a stupid idea, rather than letting the reader draw it from the scene. If he thinks himself that it's a bit of a dumb idea, you can have him say it himself, but otherwise it's not a good idea to slip in personal judgements on the situation into the text. It's best to allow the audience to draw it themselves. I guess it just depends what POV you're writing from. If you're writing from 'third person limited', that is in third person, from a narrator's point of view focussed on the main character, who is able to know the thoughts and feelings of that character and no others, you need to ensure that the narrator doesn't have a personality himself. Unless, that is, you are introducing the narrator as a character. If not, however, you need to ensure you are reporting the emotions and feelings of the character themselves, and not placing judgements yourself, if that makes sense? But I guess it's your choice in the end. :)

I am enjoying this though~! x3

"It connected with a spine chilling crunch and a strangled cry as the man’s nose was broken. Will stepped in closer and spun one of his knives around, holding it more like a sword, and slammed the butt end down into the back of the knight’s head as he bent to cover his nose. He went down with a second cry, this one more like a whimper, and didn’t move. Will flipped the blade back up against his arm."

Very nice action description here~! x3

"The remaining soldiers became more wary after seeing their companion disposed of with such ease." Mmm, if you're writing from the third person limited perspective fixed upon Will, you will want to make this an observation, rather than a statement. Ties back in with what I was discussing earlier. x3

"Damn it. Now I’m on the clock. Time to think of something. He thought
After another two seconds, an idea passed by Will’s consciousness. Seeing no other option, he acted on it. He faked a stab aimed at the bigger knight, hoping that he would bite."

I quite liked how you slipped the thoughts in this time, with no preamble, sped up the pace a bit. x3 I don't think he would have the two seconds to pause though in this sort of battle, would he? Wouldn't the knights take advantage of his distraction? Or are they waiting for reinforcements? If its the latter you may want to make it more obvious? :3

I liked the description of the blood trickle, though, and nice ending. x3 Very nice in general~! All I can say for the action is perhaps try and keep the pace up, avoid repeating sentences like the one I pointed out, beware of the emphasis and time you place on the character thinking - odd statement, I know, but at the moment I feel like when you have the character think, you physically pause the battle for it - it slows the flow. If you try and integrate it into the action instead - such as following his thought about how little time he now has with a shorter, summary sentence of what you had before you may have more success? Such as 'Damn it. Now I'm on the clock. Time to think of something.' His gaze flicked between the remaining knights and inspiration struck. He faked a stab...

Similarly, avoid stated little descriptions such as the description of the square - if you could integrate that with the action a little more, such as having Will gaze at and consider the size of the square himself, the pace would speed up a little. :)

Apart from at those little moments, however, the action flower wonderfully - well done! It's a good little scene, I'd be interested in reading more at some point. x3[/spoil]

Yeah, don't have another scene myself yet. xD But have a little tidbit I wrote a while ago but was unable to integrate into the 'fic due to it preceding the main plot. I like it though - and have spiffed it up, if anyone read it before. x3


It was all for the woman.

Tobias watched, perplexed, as the growlithe cub scrambled through the knee-high grass, struggling to maintain his human form, hands trembling as he thrust a path through the field. The toll the effort was taking was clear in the strain contorting his features - the Cobalion could hear his involuntary yelps from where he sat - yet the boy was still moving, striving, pushing forward in his attempt to successfully traverse the field.

A flicker of electricity wrinkled discontentedly across Tobias's skin at the sight.

Why?

The child was fighting against his lineage, his blood: such transformations were difficult even for the nobile, but nevertheless a cub struggled to maintain it, despite his natural weakness, all for the sake of a human-

A sputter of flame caught his attention, and his gaze sharpened as the pup's pace further slowed, those trembling hands reaching and failing to grip the surrounding reeds. Faltering a few steps from the river’s edge, the child collapsed with a yelp, small limbs twitching and jerking as he subsided back into the form of a growlithe, blue flashes of flame claiming his human flesh.

The great stag curled his lips back in distaste as the sour scent of the growlithe's pain once again flooded the breeze, tainting the evening air.

The boy was a fool.
 
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Thanks for the adive. I'm only fifteen, so I've got some room to grow :)
As for your bit... geez. That's pretty heavy sounding, and there's only a paragraph and a bit. I rarely read FanFics, but that bit right there did an excellent job throwing both quick detail and emotion at the reader. Nice job. :)
 
For fifteen you've done pretty darn well, you should be proud. x3 There's a reason what I wrote at that age is dead and buried... buried very deep. x3 You've got a lot of potential, you should do fine. :3 And thanks, I've actually spent the last five minutes editing it even more, I'm so finicky...! Still not exactly happy, but I prefer it expanded. xD; But yeah, you did good. <3
 
Once again, thanks. I appreciate hearing that a lot. If I can, I have to give people my work before I tell them my age so I can get some real feedback, none of the "oh, that's great" nonsense that gives away the fact that the person doesn't care and probably never even read it. Also, not only will I actually get feedback, but it's a bit more complex. I want that, and sometimes people don't give it to me because I'm just "some kid." So thanks. Truly. I've got to go, but I really do appreciate all the advice. And the compliments. They're always nice. :)
 
@katiekitten - I'm 17 currently, and I'm feeling happy with my writing. I'm studying English Lang/Lit as an A-Level so I'm learning some amazing techniques and reading some very inspirational authors right now, such as Tennessee Williams, Chinua Achebe and, in my own time, James Patterson and Stephen King. As for the scene, it's now posted fully as a thread! :D
 
Hmm...I really like this idea for a thread.

This is something I wrote one day for no real reason.

I sighed slumping down in the corner of the library. I would be my twelfth birthday soon, and I should have been leaving on my journey, but I didn’t want to use one of the professors starter Pokémon and I didn’t have one of my own to use instead. So here I was trying to come up with a good way to deal with my problem, i.e. find a way to get a dragon Pokémon.

“What are you moping for kid?” I turned and found myself staring up into the eyes of a man who I would have put at about eight years older than me. He was about my height, around six foot or so and had short cropped brown hair, green eyes and extremely pale skin. He was wearing a black coat, shirt pants and gloves, which made him, look almost invisible in the mostly unlit corner. The only way I knew that he was there was his alabaster pale skin, which shone brightly.

“Sunlight never killed anyone you know.” I snarked by way of reply. The man shrugged and sat down opposite me with a flat expression.

“No seriously kid, what is your problem? I would guess you to be about ready to start you journey, and that has even the most unexcitable jumping around like they got plugged into a wall.” I said nothing, just wanting this guy to go away. “So what is your deal?” I looked at him dispassionately and decided that it was his fault for asking.

“Yes I my birthday is in a few months, and while I want to start my journey, I don’t really want to use any of the starter Pokémon the professor provides.” I replied. Living in Pallet Town meant that I could ask Professor Oak for a Pokémon, but I really didn’t like any of the starters Pokémon he provided, and none of the other region’s starters appealed to me either. “For example, Charmander,” I began, “Yeah sure it has power, but fight one half descent water, rock or ground type and you’re toast. Even better, you can’t find any Pokémon to counter those types early, meaning Charmander is just useless. And then when it evolves, it becomes even weaker to rock and add electricity at the expense of ground. Not much of a bonus if you ask me.” I groused. The man, I supposed he was a trainer, chuckled at my rant, and I continued on, tearing into every starter Pokémon I could think of off the top of my head with incredible viciousness, which amounted to all of them.

“You seem to have thought that out fairly well.” The guy observed. “So what are you going to do?” I sighed. That was the hard part.

“I am not sure. I have enough money to get a Pokémon I want from a breeder, but I don’t’ really want to do that.” I leaned back. The trainer arched an eyebrow.

“Why not?” He asked, seeming genuinely curious, his green eyes intent on me as I spoke. I arched an eyebrow, keeping my face neutral.

“If I am going to get a Pokémon, then I want one that I either caught or raised myself, and not one that someone else raised themselves.” The trainer considered me for a moment.

“What kind of Pokémon do you want if the starters are so abhorrent to you then?” He inquired, mirth seeming to spark in his eyes. I cracked a small smile at his question, one that I actually felt like answering.

“Eevee or a dragon type.” I said immediately, and then paused to think. “Although Riolu wouldn’t be that bad either.” I added as an after thought. The trainer chuckled at my immediate and rather specific answer.

“You dream big kid, I will give you that.” He told me with another chuckle. “Why those specific Pokémon?” He asked. I sighed, knowing I should have seen that coming.

“One of the few memories of my father that I have is that he had a Hydreigon.” I explained grudgingly, “And that my mother had several Eevee evolutions.” I left off my explanation there, hoping this strange trainer would bug off and not ask me any more questions. He didn’t, instead just looking at me for a very long time, his eyes distant and unfocused. At last he turned to me.

“How this kid? I give you two eggs, which I assure you will be Pokémon that you want, and then when you get a few years under your belt you come challenge me?” He offered. I narrowed my eyes, unsure of his intentions, and not willing to trust some guy who just showed up in town making this offer.

“How do I know to trust you?” I asked, remembering the words of an old friend at that moment. “For that matter what do you get out of this?” I challenged him, my proverbial hackles raised. The trainer chuckled.

“A trainer who just might be able to beat me.” He said simply. I narrowed my eyes, unsure how that made sense, but he seemed sincere enough.

“Alright…Let us say that I accept you proposal.” I began but never got to finish as the trainer simply set two eggs in front of me, I had no clue where he had pulled them from however.

“Excellent.” He said cheerfully. “I will see you in a few years then.” I blinked and before I could do anything else he was gone. I stared at the eggs, and then at the spot where the stranger had stood only a few days before. I shrugged picked up the eggs, stuck them in my pockets, and left the library for my house.

The people on the street politely nodded at me, as they did every time I actually came out. The sky was overcast, jus the way I liked it, so I actually returned the nods with a slight nod of my own. As the town was small, I arrived at my house quickly, moving across the sidewalk and opening the door with my key, carried around my neck.

Pushing the door open, I stepped into my living room, which was devoid of personal effects, with simple furniture, a couch, chair, and television and that was it. It gave the appearance that I didn’t even live here, which I didn’t really care about at all. I passed into the kitchen, which was just as Spartan as the living room, with completely bare counters, basic appliances and a table for two shoved against the far wall under the window. The walls were painted a neutral tan, and the cabinets hadn’t been painted at all. I placed both eggs on the counter, and stepped out of the kitchen into a little room which when my parents had been here, had been my father’s study. Now I used it for a library, and also to store my copious amounts of papers covered in random scribbling. I paused leaving the room, unwilling to see what I had written last night.

I ignored the only other room on the ground floor, which was the master bedroom, and headed upstairs. Only two rooms could be found up here; my bedroom and a kind of general junk storage room. I ignore the latter as I always did, and headed for my room instead. The room was basic as the rest of the house. A desk was pushed against the wall to the left of the door, while my bed was under the window on the far wall. A dresser was directly in front of me, and it had nothing on it, the bed was made neatly, and the desk had one unopened notebook sitting on it.

I sighed. My house was jokingly called a ghost house by the younger children, since it didn’t appear that I lived here at all. It was just the way I liked it, quiet and impersonal. I shrugged off my jacket, hanging it over the desk chair and picked up the notebook.

It was a simply notebook, nothing special at all about it, besides that written on the front was the word: Forsaken. I sighed, and dropped it on the desk. It fell open on a page, and I paused to look at the poem written there.

Those eyes are for the world though
Eyes of dispassionate remote silence, Immune
To any and every thing

I stopped reading, knowing what came next in the text, turning away from the notebook scowling at the wall. I turned heading down the stairs again and into my library. Upon entering I paused to turn on music, and then the light.

The study turned library was as simplistic as the rest of the house, the wall were covered in shelves and the room was bare except for a desk in the middle of the room, which had three stacks of papers on it, along with an open notebook. I crossed the room and looked down at the open notebook reading the page quickly.

So even the repentant are denied redemption.

Slowly the Faceless closed around me; their immaculately identical eyes focused on me, each one the exact same shade of nothing. The arms clad in the exact same cloth toppling me, the malformed appendages, made of a grayish matter not unlike the human brain holding me down.

Terror rapped its cold hands around me.

I flinched away from that page, turning it so that I could not see that particular work again. I flipped the notebook closed, and pushed it aside, instead grabbing a book from the shelf and bringing it over to the desk, sitting down to find some information.

Twenty minute later I sighed, and set down the book, looking up at the white ceiling wondering just what I was going to do. I had been given two eggs by some random stranger, who just up and left ten seconds later, leaving me no choice but to keep the eggs. So now I could let them hatch and start travelling with them, which I didn’t really feel like doing, or I could not go anywhere and live here in complete seclusion for the rest of my life, which wasn’t an option either.

So I just had to wait on those infernal eggs to hatch, and then I could leave, abandon civilization and only meet with people when I had to.

So I would wait. Even if it was all that I had left, I would wait and then I would be gone. I leaned back opening my notebook to a random page and reading the first stanza of the poem written there.

Cruel sadistic warden,
Release my heart
From you leaden chains

I shook my head, wondering how I managed to always open my to the piece of writing that fit the situation the best. It was disconcerting to read some of the things I wrote, now, when they put into context my life. Shaking my head once more I stood up and made my way back to the kitchen opening the refrigerator to try and find something to eat.

“I really need to go shopping.” I grumbled, eyeing the meager supply of food in the appliance, before shutting it and turning to head upstairs. As I entered my room again, a voice came from behind me.

‘You really need to lighten up. Have to fun for once!’ I sighed without turning, knowing exactly who was talking to me.

“Why should I have fun, when I am content with my current existence?” I asked. The voice made a kind of hmph noise.

‘You really are a stick in the mud. Can’t you at least smile once in a while?” I turned around, staring into the eyes of the legendary Pokémon Mew without fear. Most people would have flipped out at this point, I thought, just like I did every time one of my few friends decided to pay me a surprise visit.

“I don’t smile Mew.” I said dryly, “I haven’t smiled in seven years.” That much was true for sure, and didn’t know about before that. A bit of movement caught my eye and I turned to watch Mewtwo float in the door of the room, his eyes meeting mine for a moment. I nodded to the powerful clone of Mew, and turned my attention to the view from my window.

‘As loath as I am to admit it, Mew does have a point.’ Mewtwo observed. ‘Eventually you are going to snap, and the results will not be pretty.’ I grunted absently catching the notebook and Mew psychically threw my way.

“You haven’t and you are worse than I am, so it stands to reason that I will not snap for a good many years.” I said dryly and started writing. Mew flicked my left shoulder with her tail, but I didn’t pause to intent on my writing.

‘Perhaps.’ Mewtwo said simply. ‘The others would like to speak to you.’ I turned from my writing, and nodded to the human crafted Pokémon remember to shut my eyes before the process started. I knew that around me the world would be changing, and I was being taken to the Hall of Origin, and home of Arceus, the God of Pokémon. When I opened my eyes I was standing at the opposite side of a semicircle of Pokémon.

I smiled slightly, these Pokémon were my only real friends in the world, having seen me at my best, and at my worst, but without fail they were always there for me.

‘Hello.’ The unified voices of the Lake Guardians of Sinnoh rang in my ears and I nodded to them, exchanging greetings with every Legendary Pokémon you could name, and a few that most people couldn’t for good measure.

‘Mew tells me that you soon will be beginning your journey.’ Arceus’s voice rang in my head, a deep undercurrent of power present within it. I inclined my head slightly.

“I see Mew still doesn’t care to let people tell there own news. Yes I will be starting my journey in around a week.” I glared at the mentioned Legendary who just smiled at me in an innocent way. I rolled my eyes, and turned back to Arceus. “What are you doing here though, Arceus?” I asked, “You never are here unless something important is happening, and I don’t think anything is.” The Alpha Pokémon laughed slightly.

‘You really need to learn how to lighten up for once.’ Mew pointed out for the ten thousandth time and I simply ignored her.

‘I take it I am not allowed to say good bye to the one human that I have spoken to in almost ten thousand years?’ Arceus asked me. I shrugged and then what had actually been said sunk it.

“Wait, I am the first human you have spoken to in ten thousand years!?” I half asked, and half shouted. The others chuckled and I ignored them, focusing only on Arceus. The Alpha Pokémon dipped its head in agreement with the previous two statements. “Well…” I muttered, “That certainly puts everything into perspective.” I turned back to the others.

‘Don’t go and hurt yourself you hear me?’ Shaymin said, moving to the front to the group. I smiled down at the little hedgehog, and knelt in front of her.

“I make no promises, since as soon as I do, I will get hurt.” I said with a slight smirk. Shaymin seemed to glare and me, and I inclined my head slightly. “I will do what I can to not get hurt, but I make no promises.” I said finally, which seemed to appease the hedgehog. I stepped back and Darkria and Cresselia moved forwards stopping directly in front of me.

‘Watch yourself.’ Darkrai, said dryly, in his typical way. I dipped my head in response. Cresselia looked at me for a long time, and then hovered up so that our eyes were level. She simply held my gaze for a long time, and I returned the stare unflinching and unblinking simply waiting for something.

‘Your heart is pure, but clouded.’ The moon Pokémon said after a long moment. I said nothing and simply waited. ‘I wish you luck on your travels, young one.’ I inclined my head again, ‘Learn from those mistakes you make now, so you do not repeat them in the future.’ I did not smile, but inclined my head slightly to let Cresselia know I understood.

Mewtwo floated in front of me, and I smiled, sort of, at the Legendary Pokémon, although it came out more like a smirk. ‘Goodbye my friend. Be wary of those you do not trust and trust those you do.’ I rolled my eyes at Mewtwo’s less that transparent advice. I had a rough idea what the Pokémon was referring to, and I simply nodded again. ‘I wish you luck.’ I nodded.

“Farewell my friends.” I said stepping back and addressing the Legendary Pokémon as a group. “May our paths cross again.” With that, I closed my eyes and willed myself away, back to my house where I could watch the sunset. I felt a tug on my person and when I opened my eyes, I was again standing in my room, watching the sun set.

This one is from a fanfic I am thinking about writing more to and actually posting somewhere.

I stood facing my partner, my equal
We both waited for some unspoken signal
A cue for our dance to begin

Across the area from me a man named Tobias raised a Pokéball tossing it high into the air. I watched the strange Pokéball, which looked like a regular ultra ball expect for being motified in a vibrant purple and silver with a P between the twin lines.

‘Is that what she was talking about?’ I wondered pulling my Pokéball free and flicking it into the air. I pushed the thought from my mind, and instead focused on the battle. “Gallade!” I called out as the sword using Pokémon appeared.

Tobias had called out a Darkrai, and I inwardly gulped. Gallade wasn’t one of the Pokémon I typically used for battling, and I was hesitant to have him battle eve though he had the best chance of winning.

I closed my eyes and waited for Tobias to start the battle, all the while drowning out the announcer’s loud and annoying shouts.

“Darkrai, use Dark Void!” Tobias called out signaling the beginning of the battle in my head.

“Gallade, Teleport to dodge and get in close for a Close Combat.” I growled, as the black orb sailed towards Gallade. The sword using Pokémon vanished, reappearing behind Darkrai before unleashing several powerful punches. “Thunderpunch!” I yelled, “Then Teleport out of there!” Gallade drew back its fist, which was covered in lightning, but before the attack could land, Tobias made his counter attack.

“Darkrai, behind you!” Without warning, the legendary Pokémon spun and blasted Gallade away with a Dark Pulse. I winced.

“Gallade, Teleport farther away and then use Thunderbolt!” I shouted, as Gallade stood dusting itself off from the relatively powerful attack, and then vanished reappearing and hurling the bolts of lightning at Darkrai, who countered with another Dark Pulse. I scowled. “Teleport!” I barked, as Darkrai hurled another Dark Void at Gallade.

Tobias smirked at me across the arena, and I couldn’t help but think that he was enjoying this. Gallade reappeared directly in front of me raising both swords in a defiant stance. I nodded when the Pokémon looked at me before firing off orders.

“Repeat our opening tactic, follow that up with a Thunderbolt and get out of there.” I ordered. Gallade vanished from sight with another Teleport, and Tobias immediately made to counter.

“Darkrai, right in front of you, Dark Pulse!” I smirked, he had guessed wrong. Gallade appeared right behind Darkrai, and unleashed a barrage of powerful punches, followed by a Thunderbolt. “Behind you, Ice Beam!” My smirk became a scowl instantly at the excellent counter attack.

“Counter with Will o Wisp!” I barked, thinking quickly. “Follow that up with an X-Scissor.” The glowing orbs of fire managed to push back the beam of ice and Gallade ran forwards, arms raised for the second attack.

“Ominous Wind!” I scowled at Tobias’s counter attack, but otherwise remaining uninterested I came up with a decent plan.

“Gallade, block it with Focus Blast!” I barked. Gallade quickly hurled the glowing brown orb at Darkrai which simply collide with the Ominous Wind and exploded. I vaguely heard the announcer comment on the matter; I didn’t really pay much attention to it, focusing on the battle at hand.

“Dark Void!” Tobias’s voice rang out, and even as I opened my mouth to call out for Gallade to dodge the black orb struck home. “Now Dream Eater!” I blinked and then used the first word that came to mind to sum up the situation.

“****…Gallade, Teleport!” I snarled, not caring that Gallade was asleep and couldn’t do anything. Even as the spectral image of Darkrai lunged for Gallade, the sword using Pokémon suddenly and inexplicably Teleported. I stared stupidly along with a great many other people, wondering what had just happened. However I wasn’t going to worry all that much about something that I couldn’t control, and as such I decided that enough was enough.

“Alright then, Gallade, start off with another Teleport Close Combat combo, follow that with Thunderpunch and then Teleport away and use Focus Blast.” I snarled, running over the plan in my head one more time.

Gallade vanished, and when Darkrai went to counter attack from behind, Gallade appeared in front and fired off the rapid series of punches and then an electrically charged punch. The nightmare Pokémon was thrown back from the force of the impact, and even as a beam of solid ice tore threw the air, Gallade vanished, reappearing right in front of Darkrai, and then hurling a massive Focus Blast. Darkrai vanished in the explosion, but I had a feeling that the battle was over.

When the smoke cleared, it revealed Darkrai embedded roughly ten inches into the stadium wall. After a few seconds the Pitch Dark Pokémon fell out of the indent and landed, unmoving on the ground.

“Darkrai is unable to battle. Gallade is the winner.” The referee called out. I nodded to my Pokémon as he stepped in front of me again, this time looking much worse for the wear. I watched Tobias silently recall his Darkrai, before he pulled out another one of those strange Pokéballs.

“You up for another round?” I asked Gallade, all the while watching my opponent for some sign of weakness.

Gallade nodded, and took a defiant stance. I couldn’t help rolling my eyes at the display, since when I had captured Gallade, the sword using Pokémon had wanted nothing more than to be Lucario’s sparring partner, and now here he was trading blows with Legendary Pokémon in a League Tournament no less.

“This battle is over.” Tobias announce arrogantly before throwing his Pokéball skywards. I tensed ready for anything, barring the presence of Arceus.

In a brilliant flash of red light, a Latios appeared. I didn’t even pause, acting on pure instinct. “Gallade return!” almost spitting out of anger at seeing a second captured Legendary, “Garchomp, end this!” I sent out my Pseudo Legendary Dragon, who appeared with a roar of defiance.

“And Ethan makes a strange choice, recalling his obviously powerful Gallade in favor of the dragon type Garchomp!” The announcer boomed out, “It does appear as though we are going to see a battle of dragons here today folks!” I didn’t even wait, having decided that this battle was over.

“Garchomp, finish this early.” I whispered, “Dragon Rush, Dragon Claw and then Sand Tomb!” I called out, and the dragon sprang into motion, racing across the arena glowing with the power of Dragon Rush.

“Latios, counter with a Dragon Rush of your own!” Tobias called out, and I chortled at his idiocy. Latios charged up Dragon Rush, and was halfway to ready when Garchomp hit, causing a massive explosion, which engulfed both Dragons, but did nothing to hide the roar of Garchomp and a very loud explosion. When the smoke cleared it was obvious that Garchomp had done just what I said, and ended the battle early.

Latios was laying on the ground in a four foot deep crater, completely defeated, and covered in scorch marks from what I figured was Dragon Claw. My dragon moved back in front of me, and tossed me a look, which clearly said, “Fast enough for you?” I rolled my eyes at her, and nodded. A draconic smirk was the response. Tobias recalled his downed Pokémon and glared at me, before pulling out a new Pokéball, this one looked different than even his previous one.

The orb was red on the bottom and white on the top, with strange chain like patterns covering the top half. I stared at it worried about what it might be able to do.

“What the hell is that thing?” I asked aloud, and Garchomp shrugged her shoulders, showing that she didn’t know. Tobias tossed it skywards, and I waited for the Pokémon to appear. The flash of light was a malevolent purple this time, and revealed a long snake like Pokémon.

I blinked, and took in the sight of a long green snake with gold lines running down it, and it was in that instant that I realized just how much of a bother this request was going to be.

“Garchomp, you want to fight Rayquaza?” I asked. The dragon frowned indecisively, and I could guess her answer. The dragon seemed to consider it for a long moment before nodding slightly. I burst into a positively nasty smirk as I suddenly came up with a plan.

“Thunderbolt!” Tobias roared, and Rayquaza hurled the attack, not that I cared. Garchomp could take then attack.

“Garchomp, use Draco Meteor, and then use that for cover to hit the big guy with a Dragon Rush.” I whispered, knowing that she would hear me.

I simply locked my eyes on Rayquaza, and smirked, letting the Legend know that it had lost, I was victorious, and there was nothing to do about it. The meteor’s exploded falling downward, and a second later, a huge explosion filled the air.

Rayquaza’s eyes widened almost comically, before locking onto mine and holding there. Time seemed to not exist as the two of us stared each other down, and then something changed about Rayquaza. The Legendary’s eyes had previously looked extremely hostile, but in that instant they became confused and lost. I blinked, and then I could no longer see Rayquaza under the massive barrage of attacks from Garchomp which was engulfed it in a huge cloud of dust and smoke.

When it cleared, the victor was quite obvious.

This one is something I just wrote and liked when I was done.

I entered my hotel room, and after tossing off my jacket, I immediately sat down at my computer, and logged in. Tapping my fingers impatiently, I waited for the internet to open before I punched in a quick search for rare Pokéballs. While I was waiting there was a knock on my door.

“Come in.” I called out; running my eyes over the results, browsing page after page but nothing came up. I frowned and turned to look at my visitor.

“Well you look the same as ever.” The Champion of Sinnoh walked into my room and arched an eyebrow at my facial expression. I sighed and leaned back in my chair relaxing slightly.

“Well you have the bad habit of arriving when I am doing something frustrating.” I said dryly, watching the amused little smile she gave me in response form.

“So I would have to gather that you find anything that involves dealing with other people to be frustrating, since even when I find you in public you look like this.” She observed. I inclined my head, offering my equivalent of a smile in response.

“Well people are perhaps the most frustrating facet of life,” I observed, “Since they can never bother to make up their minds about anything, let alone get something done in a timely fashion.” I cocked my head to the side and thought about it. “Not to mention that nasty habit to never get around to saying things that need to be said, and you have a generally frustrating group, or as Umbreon once told me, ‘The most backwards and contra productive species in existence.’” I finished speaking and returned to my search of the internet, this time I went looking for people who made exotic Pokéballs. The search took several moments which gave Cynthia plenty of time to return fire.

“I see you are just as much of a misanthrope as the last time we spoke.” I grunted in agreement, clicking on a lick that interested me greatly. I quickly opened the merchandise pictures link on the site and began looking over the pictures. “I would have thought that you might have come to enjoy the world more now that you have spent more time around people, but it seems that you are the same as ever.” I ignored that, instead focusing on the computer, as I had found the Pokéball that I saw Tobias use for his Darkrai.

“Your point is?” I asked Cynthia absently, but not really paying attention. The Sinnoh Champion sighed.

“My point is that you can’t go on hating humanity forever Ethan, at some point you are going to have to accept that while we have our faults there are some good things about the human race.” I stared at her for a long time, not sure exactly how to respond to her words. I met her eyes, and abruptly a piece of poetry I had written sprang to mind.

“Eyes are windows to the soul

Seven words so insignificant
But utterly true, utterly damning
I see that now, if only I had seen it then”

I wasn’t aware I had spoken aloud and I picked up as though I had only been thinking. “I have hated humanity for so long Cynthia, that I am not sure I can do anything else.” I admitted, turning away from her, and the computer. “My whole life has centered on that hatred, right down to my choice to become a trainer, to everything I did, even today.” I stood moving to look out the window.

Cynthia stepped up next to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. I said nothing, simply waiting for her to speak to me instead. She said nothing for the longest time, and I was content with that.
 
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More comments (and Aqua, if you don't like my commenting so much while only having contributed one scene of my own, feel free to say so. I just like reading these and sharing my thoughts :) ):

Moog: I like the line about "practiced assurance". That's nifty wording. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense (how and why would one practice being assured?), but it made sense to me in the moment. They were so well-practiced in their duties, it made them confident in their abilities. Since you asked for no sugarcoating, I'll say two things: the knights seemed a bit too much like generic throwaway villains (like Hand ninjas from Daredevil comics or Foot Soldiers from TMNT, right down to the point where the protagonist basically ducked and two of them stabbed each other), and some of Will's narration about needing to kill instead of injure struck me as telling rather than showing. But it was a good scene despite those two critiques!

Katie: "The great stag curled his lips back in distaste as the sour scent of the boy’s pain once again flooded the breeze, tainting the evening air." That's a very, very, very good line. I dig that. I had no idea what was going on with the electricity, but I might know more if I got to read more than that one scene. So it makes me want to know more. The scene made the transformation (?) between human and Growlithe seem quite painful, too.

SoulMuse: I just read the third scene because it was shortest, and I'm trying to do some quick reviews while watching the Hatfields & McCoys show on History Channel. :) I can say that I'm not enamored of each line of dialogue having its own dialogue tag ("I observed", "I grunted in agreement", "she observed"). I always feel that dialogue flows better with as few of those tags as possible. But some people write them just innocently helping the reader know who is speaking. I just say that a reader who is paying attention can do that by the voice of the character (and, you know, counting considering there's only two characters in the scene :) ). I like the poem near the end, though. Quite nice. The last paragraph was a gem, too.
 
Read almost all of the scenes thus far, and I really like what I see, such different writing styles. I'd give a response to each one of them, but it'd take up too much time when I'm in a writing mood.

I'm feeling a bit bummed, so I'm gonna write a little something here to get it out. It might not look too great this time around, but hey, I suppose this thread doesn't care much for roughness.

(SPOILERS. Again.)

Music inspiration

*~*~*

It hurt to watch them suffer, but there wasn't anything she could do. She didn't have the power to intervene like other higher angels could--she was getting there, it just wasn't her time yet. But she had eternity to look forward to, so she didn't complain. Besides, she liked her role as a guardian angel, and whom she was guarding. When she got the calling, she was honored to uphold it, even if she didn't have a lot of protection power.

Amber was one of the many silent, invisible spectators whom watched the small group struggle to survive--most importantly her childhood friend. She was proud of him remaining strong during this time of his life, though she could feel his heart wavering. It saddened her to know he was warring with himself and she couldn't do much about it. She could guide him to a happier choice, but she generally left him alone. She wasn't like some of the other guardian angels, always taking their assigned persons by the hand and keeping them out of trouble, both physical and spiritual. She trusted him to do the right thing in pursuing his own happiness.

Whatever made Mewtwo happy made her happy.

She had known from the beginning how lonely he was, and that it was only a matter of time before the loneliness would get the better of him. He may have made his emotions more complicated than normal, but it was apparent he had feelings for her. Amber was excited for the two of them when it surfaced, even if she had that inkling they could end up not together in the end. Love was strange that way.

But even though it wasn't her original duty and she risked losing her calling, because she wanted him to be happy, she had started keeping watch on her.

Not that Mew didn't have her own guardian angel, she was happy to take turns with her, having been just as worried about her future as she was about Mewtwo's. The coincidence was funny like that, she noted in amusement.

For that century, the two angels had switched back and forth between duties, always up-to-date with what they missed, and even at one point plotted to arrange it so the two could get together. Though due to their lack of such power, they scrapped the idea and left it be. Everything continued to go well under their watches.

...until the day of Mew's sudden imprisonment threw it off.

It was the hardest nine months she ever had. The original guardian couldn't remain by her side longer than a day, so Amber had to take over. It was hard to watch all of the horrific experiments and her slow descent into depression as the baby grew, but she kept reminding herself they were in it together, and that it would come to an end.

She didn't expect it to be bloody, but she accepted what had happened, as sad as it was. After Mew took refuge in the Tree, Amber returned to permanently be at Mewtwo's side. She remained his guardian angel until after he took her under his wing a couple of years later.

The moment they kissed was the moment she was in charge of watching them both. Mew's original guardian, as much as she would miss her, happily passed the duty along to her before returning to Father, and possibly her new calling.

Of course, Amber didn't expect their relationship to be as rocky as it was, but she continued to wait patiently, praying they would come to terms with one another and live as husband and wife.

Husband and wife. She always found herself smiling at that thought. She was truly happy for them both, but if they would reconcile, it would be perfect.

The presence of an evil spirit caught her attention as she sat by Mewtwo's sleeping form. She glanced around the surrounding area, taking notice of the jittery spirits still standing around. They crowded together in anxiety, whispering fearful words to one another as they also looked around. She pinpointed its location, and swerved around to find Mew fidget in her sleep across the dying fire.

She could hear it whisper to her, though she couldn't make out sentences. Amber stood up and hurried over to her side, casting away the spirit before kneeling to her. She placed a comforting hand on her forehead to calm her down, wishing she could hold her.

This wasn't anything new. Different spirits had been tormenting Mew the past few weeks, and no matter what she did, her thoughts and emotions were becoming affected, not helped from the fact she was having internal conflicts. Though it was odd Mewtwo wasn't as haunted as her...

Amber sighed, turning her eyes to the heavens above. She wished she could do more for them.
 
katiekitten said:
Gothitelle: only read the second one I'm afraid, not enough time >.< But I liked it - although I'm not so fond of your Latios. xD The woman in me recoils at the thought of him ordering his girlfriend to polish his shoes and getting angry when she didn't, a nice little bit of misogyny there. The apparently sympathetic reaction of the narrator sours my opinion of her as well, but flawed characters ftw. <3 I'd be careful, when writing in first person, that when it comes to descriptions you aren't unnaturally list-y? For the most part you did a good job, but at the beginning when you had her describing his shoes, she seemed to list off how they made him look. If you had it more as a clarification, it'd work, such as if you change the first comma into a dash and got rid of the 'and' between 'leaner' and 'tougher' but yeah. :) The anthropomorphic theme you have here is interesting, have you just humanised different pokemon, or is there a deeper plot to it? Interesting, nevertheless.
Click to expand...

yeah i pretty much humanized them all lol but thanks;
 
All right, this is a scene for an NAA sequel if the main character actually worked on being a business tycoon. It's kind of a parody of The Lorax.

A young woman stands in the forest around Lake Verity and Twinleaf Town, felling trees with an axe. Her Pokemon help her, slashing and burning trees. She has big plans for this place. It doesn't matter that Pokemon are getting injured or displaced by her actions. All that matter's is that she's finally going to make her dream happen.

All of a sudden, something green appears in front of her as she's getting ready to hack at a tree. The young woman stumbles back and drops her axe. A green pixie-like creature materializes in front of her.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa, who the hell are you?" the lady asks.

"I am Celebi," replies the pixie, "and I speak for the trees."
 
I thought of another scene that ties into my first one.

This one does have some violence in it along with some blood and death, so yeah, warning to all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He had just finished his breakfast of a bowl of some generic wheat flakes that got soggy way too fast in milk when everything changed.
Being a part of the security personal at one of the most top secret military research facilities in the United States meant you had to be ready- gun in hand for absolutely any situation that arises at any time of the day.

When the entire lower east wing of the complex started shaking like it’d been hit with a nuclear blast, John didn’t even think twice about it, when the power blinked out for a fraction of a second, he wasn’t worried-as far as he was concerned it was just like any other normal day in this place of constant top secret military and government experiments.

But the second the lights flashed red and the alarm klaxon blared from the loud speakers, he bolted up from his seat at the break room table. The men and women scientists who were in the room with him were either frozen in shock, or proposing inane hypothesis of what the situation was.
Pulling out his pistol from his hip holster and putting his helmet on his head; he pushed his way through the people until he burst into the Level Twelve main announcement chamber. As he got closer to the speakers, he strained to hear the announcement system over the murmur of the scientists.

“Warning: Code Nineteen Alarm. All personal are to evacuate to the surface facility immediately.”
As the words came from the loudspeakers, he was nearly swamped by the mob of panicking researchers all surging toward the stairs and elevators that led to the surface.

John spotted his unit captain, Edward Toron, and several of his fellow guards through the stampede, and made his way toward them. Elbowing more than one grey-haired scientist out of his way.

He wasn’t concerned for their safety; he was concerned for his weekly paycheck. He hated this entire facility and everyone in it, but if he was to be paid he had to make sure it wasn’t destroyed under his watch.

“John, you’re finally here. We’ve got a major situation on our hands. I don’t know the whole details yet, the admins won’t tell us anything, but it seems one of the experiments in the Level Seventeen East complex suffered a critical malfunction.” Captain Toron explained, as he rubbed his graying hair with a sweaty palm.

“If it’s another reactor leak, just let Maintenance take care of it for-” John started before Toron cut him off.

“Listen to me, Sergeant, there are things running around down there killing people. I don’t know what those things are, but we gotta go where duty calls us.” He turned to the other seven security guards, all dressed in similar bulletproof vests and helmets.

“Let’s move, men!” the middle aged man shouted as he jammed a button on the concrete wall opening a door that led into a staircase down.

Sprinting down flight after flight of metal stairs was tedious enough without having to push past employees that looked like they’d seen the mouth of Hell open up beneath them in Level Seventeen.

John swore he heard the phrases “…jets of fire…” and “…shot lightning…” from some of the refugees from the situation as they fled upwards.

Before he knew it, he and his comrades stood in front of a thick metal door with a large black “17” painted over it.
Without a word or any other manner of before battle motivational speech, Toron motioned for someone to flip the switch on the wall. As soon as the order was carried out, the sealed door creaked along the wall as it opened.

John drew his pistol as did the others, prepared for anything that may lay in wait on the other side.
What they saw next made him want to stand in awe and run away in terror at the same time.
The announcement area for Seventeen was in ruins, its large computer monitors cracked and sparking, fire burning whatever wasn’t burned, and what looked to be blood staining the concrete floor in places.

Slowly spreading out into the chamber, John remained vigilant for any signs of what had done this act of unspeakable horror.
Suddenly to his left he heard gunfire, John turned to see one of the other guards, Timothy maybe, firing shot after shot of his gun into a….giant purple dinosaur with spikes jutting from its skin and a tail?

His finger on the trigger he froze as the beast charged Timothy with its large center horn on top of its head. It impacted with the guard, skewering him through his heart as the beast screeched in triumph. Rearing its head, it quickly shook the impaled body off of its weapon. The unfortunate guard’s body sailed through the air and landed with a thud on the floor, blood pooling from the fatal wound.

As if someone had snapped their fingers, John and the other guards found themselves able to move again. Squeezing the trigger, one, two, three, four times; firing into the torso of the beast as did the six other guards.

The dark purple monster roared as the projectiles tore past its scaly hide and into flesh. Reeling from the storm of bullets, the abomination swung a large forearm at Captain Toron, smashing him into the stone wall with an audible crack.
John fired another bullet into the beast’s chest, seemingly doing nothing.

Giving off a feral roar, the beast launched a storm of thin purple needles from the tips of the spikes that covered its body. John ducked to avoid the swarm of poisonous needles as they stuck in every other surface available, including the arms and legs of the other guards.

They screamed in agony as the poison seeped through their veins like acid, but their screams were silenced once the poison touched their hearts.
John quickly got up from the ground. Swearing, he aimed his gun directly at the beast.
The beast roared again, and prepared to charge. John squeezed his second to last bullet into the beast’s chest, again to no avail.
Taking a perhaps final breath, he aimed at the creature’s head and closed his eyes for the inevitable charge.
At that same moment the bullet shattered base of the beast’s large, poisonous horn with a spurt of blood, a battered fire extinguisher came crashing down from behind, crushing the smaller horns and cracking its skull.

The large demon roared, a weak, strangulated sort of roar, and fell to the ground with a thud.
John dared open his eyes he found that he was still breathing. Surveying the large beast that had tried to kill him, now dead on the floor. He drew his gaze up to were the purple creature once stood, a man in cracked glasses and a torn and singed lab coat carrying a large, battered fire extinguisher caught his breath.

They suddenly reached a silent agreement to work together as John and him dashed over to the wall to help up the unconscious, but still alive Captain Toron, who’d suffered no more than a cracked rib.

Together they made their way into an unused hallway, dragging the passed out captain on their shoulders.
Once they were in relative safety, John said the first thing he’d said since he’d arrived at Level Seventeen besides curses.
“What the hell happened here?” he said with barely any voice, he would have been surprised if the scientist heard him.

The scientist looked the shaken security guard with a look that quietly confessed untold guilt and regret.

“It was our mistake…” he whispered as a plethora of feral roars shook the heated, stale, air of Level Seventeen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm having fun writing these, so I guess that's good that at least I'm writing again, right?

Knightfall signing off...;005;
 
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SilentMemento, Sid87, and katiekitten: Thanks for commenting on my scene! I do hope to make it a fic one day, but there are a few plot problems I have to clear up first, as well as actually writing the other 88% of it. :P

I'll jump in and review the latest ones:

Kutie Pie: I've read some of Forsaken, so I know exactly what parts of the story this was referring to. I really like your portrayal of Amber as Mewtwo's guardian angel, because that's how I always thought of it myself. I also like your pairing of Mew and Mewtwo, because they've been my two of my favorite pokemon for as long as I've been into Pokemon. :P Overall, it was a refreshing read, with a good amount of emotion.

Kiyuni: It's short, but it's enough to get me interested. This lady seems like the type that won't stop no matter what stands in her way, but for some reason, this scene doesn't make me dislike her. I don't know if that's what you're going for, but it makes me want to know more. So good job on that!

Knightfall: Some of the sentences could be shortened in the beginning to make the action flow better. Sometimes it seems like there's too much going on in one phrase. Like here: "He had just finished his breakfast of a bowl of some generic wheat flakes that got soggy way too fast in milk when everything changed." I'd break it up and take the beginning a bit more slowly, so that the sudden explosion really catches the reader off-guard.

I like how you point out at first that these 'situations' are a normal part of life for John, but then reveal a real crisis that makes him rightfully afraid. I don't know why, but I particularly liked this part: “Listen to me, Sergeant, there are things running around down there killing people. I don’t know what those things are, but we gotta go where duty calls us.”

'Things' made me think of zombies or some sort of mutant creatures that are about to unleash havoc upon the world. o.o And it seems like John has killed the first of many...
 
Here is a short scene from a fanfic that I want to write at some point.

------

The night was air was still and cool, reflecting the lazy nature of most summer nights in Pallet Town. No street lamps burned; there was no need for them, as everyone had retired hours ago. The stars, clearly visible in the cloudless sky, were the only source of light, as the moon was completely dark.

Silently a figure glided across the yard of a small unassuming house. Nothing was incredibly special about this home; the grass was neatly cut, and the siding painted a fairly standard white. However the figure wasn’t interested in the house, rather hunting for the one who lived inside of it. Keeping to the shadows, the figure floated upwards, to gaze in a second story window.

In the room, one could clearly see the slumped form of a young man. Black clothing made his pale, sun starved skin stand out against, along with his brown hair. The young man’s face was not visible from the window, as when he had fallen asleep his head had landed in the crook of his elbow. The corner of a notebook poked out from under his arm.

Hanging in the air, the figure watched the young man in silence, eyeing him critically. After several minutes the figure turned and floated way, a flicked of a reddish scarf visible for a brief instant before they vanished from sight completely.

“I hope you are ready…because if you aren’t….” The figures voice trailed off, any other words vanishing with the wind.
 
Mrs. Lovett said:
Kutie Pie: I've read some of Forsaken, so I know exactly what parts of the story this was referring to. I really like your portrayal of Amber as Mewtwo's guardian angel, because that's how I always thought of it myself. I also like your pairing of Mew and Mewtwo, because they've been my two of my favorite pokemon for as long as I've been into Pokemon. :P Overall, it was a refreshing read, with a good amount of emotion.
Click to expand...

I'm glad it was still there, even if it was harder to write out than normal, so it took longer xD. I kinda lost track midway a few times, so I got a little worried about that. But hey, it's not a final draft of anything, it was for fun and help.

Oooh, I wanna review the other scenes, but there's so many, and they're all so good >.<! I think everyone on here has a story up and running someplace, it makes me wanna read everything.

Anyway, wanna see how much this thread has helped me? Yeah, it's a special sneak peek, just one three-paged scene from a part I'm really eager to finish up (hopefully today, since I'm home all day due to not feeling too great). You all should feel special, because this is the only time I'm doing this. It'll be spoiler-tagged.

And also so I can get some feedback on what could be changed and all before it's finished.

*~*~*

Azelf cackled at the sight of his sister's horrified expression, lightly flicking an arm so Uxie would punch himself again. “Stop hitting yourself,” he mocked, then aimed it for his stomach.

Mesprit quickly snatched him at the wrists before they hit, struggling to keep them steady. “STOP IT! LET HIM GO!” she shrieked.

“After he stops making me laugh,” was the retort.

“It's not funny! You're hurting him!”

“That is the point.”

She lost her grip upon being headbutted her to the ground. Ignoring the sharp pain in the middle of her forehead, she reached out for him again. “Uxie, fight it!”

Run, Mesprit! pleaded his telepathic voice as he shook her off once more. I can handle it! His fist connected with his stomach hard enough to make him gag.

“No, you can't!” she sobbed, moving for him again before he was swerved out of reach. “Azelf, stop it, please!”

I'll find a way, just go before he turns on you!

“Uxie—!”

She was suddenly pushed around the corner for the exit by an unseen force. GO!

“Fool, you are only making things harder on yourself!” came the echoing laugh of Azelf. There was a thud of a body smashing into the wall, followed by Uxie's strangled cry. “Without an audience, that means I have the freedom to do whatever the hell I want!”

Mesprit strived to stop him just to be repelled further down the tunnel. She hurled herself against it in desperation only to get herself kicked outside. At the entrance, she strained her vocal cords to holler, “UXI-I-I-IE!”

Her voice bounced in all directions, leaving her an empty feeling once everything went silent. Shivering, she waited for any type of response, whether it was Uxie's telepathy, a scream of pain, even the cackle of her possessed brother. Nothing came.

Though tempted to crumple in a heap and weep where she stood, Mesprit hesitantly forced herself to back away. She subconsciously went for another exit until her eyes laid upon the crystals above her. She stared for a moment, wincing at the gleam they gave off. The fear in her veins subsided a little the moment a thought came to mind.

“Of course... the Heart.” She clenched her fists, glancing over to the tunnel. Her brain jumped on the idea, and began working it out. “I don't know if Uxie wanted me to or not, but it's the only way. This place... it took away my brothers, and my friends. Even if this Legion caused all of this, it's the Tree's fault.”

That's right... the Tree must die.

Another half of her immediately started going against it. Don't be a hero, Mesprit. It's already being taken care of.

Mew didn't say we couldn't help her, she argued, ascending for the crystals. She spotted an entrance above, her scowl darkening in determination. She's going to need someone to take care of the Stage anyway, and I can do it.

NO! She flinched, feeling as though she had been slapped upside the head. Unless you feel the Mystri Stage calling, don't do anything! And besides... it could be a trap.

Mesprit slowed down, but continued onward. “It would've been obvious if it was a trap,” she murmured, stroking her thumb along her gem. “Just because I can't feel the Stage doesn't mean it can't be activated. I don't need much power, just enough to kill the Tree.”

No resistance came this time, though she couldn't help reflecting on an empty sensation that suddenly enveloped her. Unable to shrug it off, she went ahead to quicken her pace in the hopes it'd wash itself away.

“—AH!”

A sharp jab in her mind nearly made her drop when she grasped at her head. Hissing in pain, she lifted her blurry eyes up in time to spot a green blob slam into her front, projecting her onto a crystalized branch. She choked on escaped breath, straining her vision to refocus from its blackout. While regaining feeling back into her body, she was scarcely aware of a weight on top of her. It took a moment of rapid blinking before Mesprit could identify the source.

“Ce... Celebi...”

He didn't answer, let alone move, preferring to stare down at her. After a coughing fit and a spasm, she was able to lift up a hand for a feel in place of the sight she was struggling to stabilize. Without warning, she began to sob. “Oh, Celebi... thank God you're here... y-you have no idea...” She trailed off with a frown, her hand brushing alongside his shoulder—the one she swore was in a sling. “Cel... i-is your arm better already? Can't be...”

“I found some healing remedies,” he finally spoke, a little gruffer than normal.

She jerked away with wide eyes, though her migraine blurred her vision more, forcing her to shut them before she could get a good look. “You sure? You sound sick.”

“Very sure.”

She froze in place when he cupped her chin, a finger tantalizingly trailing along her jawbone. A small gasp squeaked its way out, a shiver running down her spine. She had to hold back more whimpers when the hand lazily smoothed its way to her collarbone. Her body twitched in fear at how unfamiliar the touch was. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing much... just taking my time.”

Her arms shot forward on their own to catch him in the chest upon feeling him moving forward. “Celebi...” She was aware of a blush burning on her cheeks; her heart jolted at realizing she was more or less embarrassed at the thought of her brothers catching her than the sudden closeness. “Cel, you've got it all wrong.”

“Be more specific,” he purred, sending her into more tremors.

Mouth dry, she carefully worded out her thoughts. “F-For one thing... the timing is off... way off... a-and I'm, well...”

“Spit it out.” Mesprit almost choked when he shook her lightly by the shoulders. “Give me one good reason why I am not allowed to show my gratitude at seeing your lovely face again.”

She took a shaky breath, attempting to shift her position without success. Then it was as though her voice gave out on her, preventing her from giving the other reason, one she had to get out. At first, she figured it was anxiety closing up her throat. It wasn't going to be easy to push away the one whom she clearly loved, and but still ask for more time to assert her feelings.

In the midst of the headache, she realized there was something off about Celebi's advances. She knew him well enough to know he wasn't the one to be forward or pressure her on, and they were alone together numerous times before. Not once was she uncomfortable with his presence. If anything, he never showed such behavior at any given time. He rarely ever laid a finger on her, showed respect for her privacy and personal space, developed a good friendship with her brothers to prove he could be trusted—there was so much he did to earn their trust.

And then there was the undeniable fact that despite his broken arm, Celebi willingly stayed behind to help fight off Jediah and followers alongside Ho-oh, Azelf, and others. His expression was sincere, yet stern when he ordered them to run. Whether the others saw it or not, she caught an aside apologetic glance before Uxie pried herself off him, and dragged her away in order for him to charge forward. It was a wonder she never lost her voice from all that crying and screaming out his name.

“...you're not him.”

Mesprit realized she had opened her eyes subconsciously upon noticing her eye-sight had stopped faltering, allowing her to focus on whoever it was impersonating her friend. While it was unmistakeably him, his irises gave it away. Her heart sunk into icy waters at the sight of slitted pupils amidst the sky-blue color, and the hatred that emitted from them. An unattractive grimace stretched on his face, and his body stiffened, a sign he had been found out, whoever he was.

*~*~*

*arms flailing forward* Oooooooh suspense.
 
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